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SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


Jesus was a broke homeless beggar who had other homeless beggars following him around for a few years. After committing too many crimes and causing property damage at the temple. The Romans had enough and had him crucified along with some petty thieves.

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The Breakfast Sampler
Jan 1, 2006


R.L. Stine posted:

joseph was mad they didn't get diapers or toys and he posted about it on r/amitheasshole

can you even imagine being this dude, even with the whole story and everything? let's assume there's a grain of truth to all of that story. so we've been talking about this guy for 2000 years. just this guy, in passing. "also, Joseph was there."

cucked by god himself. jesus christ.

gary oldmans diary
Sep 26, 2005

Milo and POTUS posted:

You want to kill evangelical christianity in america once and for all, prove beyond any shadow of a doubt Jesus wasn't white
expecting people to stop believing things just because they are proven wrong should get you thrown in a loony bin

The Management
Jan 2, 2010

sup, bitch?
Jesus was a grifter who conned suckers out of their temple dues and blew it on wine and women. The whole story is a retcon by people who wanted to keep the grift going after the romans put an end to it.

Pinche Rudo
Feb 8, 2005

Mary Magdalene was the Ghislaine Maxwell to Jesus's Jeffrey Epstein

Lil Swamp Booger Baby
Aug 1, 1981

Jesus (12:45 AM) : I'm going to bust, I will bust, it's inevitable that I will bust, Judas?

Judas (12:45 AM) : Is that true? Is it true?

John (12:46 AM) : Mmmm....

Jesus (12:46 AM) : Yes, absolutely it is.

Judas (12:46 AM) : Odd, very hard to believe, odd.

John (12:46 AM) : Yes, odd, very odd indeed.

(Pause)

Jesus (12:47 AM) : Is it so odd, really?

Thaddeus (12:47 AM) : It is quite odd. I think.

Jesus (12:48 AM) : Mmm.... odd....

(Silence, Pause)

Jesus (12:50 AM) : Is it quite so odd? To bust. Inevitably?

Peter (12:51 AM) : I think it is quite odd for some people, but I can understand, it is not so terribly odd to me.

Jesus (12:51 AM) : I would think so, that you wouldn't find it so odd. I would think that of you.

Judas (12:52 AM) : But you would think of me that I would find it odd, surely that I would find it odd?

Jesus (12:52 AM) : I'm not so sure, Judas. I would have thought before... not for sure, I would have thought you would have gone either way, but now...

(Pause)

Jesus (12:53 AM) : ...now... I certainly know for sure, now, that you would find it odd. I did not know before.

Judas (12:54 AM) [Internal Thoughts] : He will surely pay for thinking that I would find it odd, any chance of it, before he knew for certain. I will make sure of it.

Lil Swamp Booger Baby fucked around with this message at 05:46 on Jul 8, 2020

Genesplicer
Oct 19, 2002

I give your invention the worst grade imaginable: An A-minus-minus!

Total Clam

Milo and POTUS posted:

You want to kill evangelical christianity in america once and for all, prove beyond any shadow of a doubt Jesus wasn't white

One thing that all the conservative fundamentalist Christians seem to be unaware of is the fact that not one single person mentioned in the bible could be considered their definition of a "White Person."

neato burrito
Aug 25, 2002

bitch better have my chex mix

I'm the lady at church singing with her hand up in the air and her eyes closed.

neato burrito
Aug 25, 2002

bitch better have my chex mix

yes Jesus, praise you Jesus

Icochet
Mar 18, 2008

I have a very small TV. Don't make fun of it! Please don't shame it like that~

Grimey Drawer
A while back some mormons or whatever the gently caress approached my wife as she was walking on an empty street at 11.30 pm. Two fellas who just thought it would be a good idea to hassle a lady in the dark. Not scary at all.

These are the guys Jesus sends. gently caress you Jesus.

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


Icochet posted:

A while back some mormons or whatever the gently caress approached my wife as she was walking on an empty street at 11.30 pm. Two fellas who just thought it would be a good idea to hassle a lady in the dark. Not scary at all.

These are the guys Jesus sends. gently caress you Jesus.

Just trying to mug the christ into the ladies.

Icochet
Mar 18, 2008

I have a very small TV. Don't make fun of it! Please don't shame it like that~

Grimey Drawer
Tbf i think she could beat up some loving mormons

Mr Ice Cream Glove
Apr 22, 2007

sweet geek swag
Mar 29, 2006

Adjust lasers to FUN!





Genesplicer posted:

One thing that all the conservative fundamentalist Christians seem to be unaware of is the fact that not one single person mentioned in the bible could be considered their definition of a "White Person."

Well, maybe Augustus. He'd probably count. Barely.

Collateral
Feb 17, 2010
Jesus was Way cool. He baked delicious cakes.

Weka
May 5, 2019

That child totally had it coming. Nobody should be able to be out at dusk except cars.

Genesplicer posted:

One thing that all the conservative fundamentalist Christians seem to be unaware of is the fact that not one single person mentioned in the bible could be considered their definition of a "White Person."

Well the Galatians were a gaulish people originally from what is now the south of France.
But are you telling me there are segments of American society that don't consider Italians to be white?

Tuxedo Catfish
Mar 17, 2007

You've got guts! Come to my village, I'll buy you lunch.

Pinche Rudo posted:

Did Jesus eat rear end?

"A man is not defiled by what enters his mouth, but by what comes out of it.”

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010
Always thought it was weird how Jesus's parents named him after something people commonly yell out when they stub their toe or get tricked into clicking a link to furry porn

Weka
May 5, 2019

That child totally had it coming. Nobody should be able to be out at dusk except cars.
Was jesus a bat?

AHH F/UGH
May 25, 2002


I love it when people get mad at this, and when people support it, because it's literally just some random guy's sculpt of some face of a quasi-persian looking guy. People go "This is what Jesus really looked like!!" when in actuality Jesus probably never existed and if he did, he could have looked like anybody for all we know.

BIG FLUFFY DOG
Feb 16, 2011

On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog.


This is why buddhism describes the buddhas appearance in exhuasting detail

Barudak
May 7, 2007

Weka posted:

Well the Galatians were a gaulish people originally from what is now the south of France.
But are you telling me there are segments of American society that don't consider Italians to be white?

Yes

Alan 00X
Dec 15, 2017
.

Internetjack posted:

What is the point of posting "Jesus" poo poo without any context?

Alan OOX please explain yourself.

Ha! Just kidding! Don't post stupid poo poo with "lets discuss!" as a starter. It is stupid as gently caress and goes nowhere productive.

There is shitposting, and then there is really true hardcore shitposting, the bad kind. The former is good, the latter is bad.

Because I saw the image and as a person who grew up Christian, it vibes with me and I feel like it's an important distinction to make.

PawParole
Nov 16, 2019

Jesus was a ginger, which is why the Holy Spirit could enter him ( he had no soul)

source: the Quran

pop fly to McGillicutty
Feb 2, 2004

A peckish little mouse!

SLICK GOKU BABY posted:

Jesus was a broke homeless beggar who had other homeless beggars following him around for a few years. After committing too many crimes and causing property damage at the temple. The Romans had enough and had him crucified along with some petty thieves.

Not disputing this at all. However, you ever met a homeless dude with a publicist/marketing team that could spin "homeless crime man" into "messiah"?

Me either. So maybe he wasn't the son of God, but someone was trying to get his name on that map. I bet it was George Soros.

500excf type r
Mar 7, 2013

I'm as annoying as the high-pitched whine of my motorcycle, desperately compensating for the lack of substance in my life.
As was already pointed out, there were a lot of preacher dudes running around that area 2000 years ago and we have found records of a bunch of them because there were plenty of people running around documenting poo poo too.

Weird though how none of them documented this Jesus guy but they got the no one crazies

Weird

Also wasn't the first book of the Bible written in the style of allegorical fiction that was popular at that time, which both the popularity and prose we have records of

Alan 00X
Dec 15, 2017
.
I take most of the bible with a grain of salt. I don't consider it to be more than allegorical and/or metaphor, but I don't think that there is no wisdom to be found there.

KillerJunglist
May 22, 2007

Lion of Judah protect you, Jah be praised.
I've always kind of wondered what happened to the three wise men (magi, kings, whatever) after they gave baby jesus the stuff. Did they hang around for a few days? Did Joseph and Mary have to give subtle hints they should maybe go home?

And how come jesus had to prove himself years later? Weren't there a bunch of signs upon his birth like angels signing and poo poo because "the savior [of mankind] has been born"?

It don't add up, I tells ya.

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
Blasphemers! This is what Jesus truly looked like:

nut
Jul 30, 2019

Colonel Cancer posted:

Blasphemers! This is what Jesus truly looked like:



Exactly Jesus was like a ripped Zenyatta but he only had one power ball or whatever and it was the earth

wynott dunn
Aug 9, 2006

What is to be done?

Who or what can challenge, and stand a chance at beating, the corporate juggernauts dominating the world?

got the answer to my question in the first page, thanks op

Flannelette
Jan 17, 2010



The original dead gay son.

Elukka
Feb 18, 2011

For All Mankind

Alan 00X posted:

literally wrong. Jesus is a historical figure even if you don't believe in his Divinity
I don't think this is clear at all. Clearly someone had to be around to start a religion, but whether this person or group of people had any resemblance to the Jesus in the Bible's stories is unknown as far as I'm aware. Also not very important, since the exact nature of the people involved is just a historical curiosity.

At one point I noticed Wikipedia is really into Historical Jesus. It will claim Jesus is absolutely real, and attempt to make it look like an obvious fact by using a lot of phrases like "almost all scholars believe...". It actually had me fooled for a while because it successfully gave me the impression that it's an actual consensus among historians. Instead, they all cite "Bible scholars" who are clearly not looking for any historical truths and are just trying to prove their religion is real.

The Persian Funk
Jun 13, 2006

by Athanatos
What Mohammed was:
    1. Sadist
    2. Slave Owner
    3. Pedophile

What Mohammed wasn't:
    1. A cool guy













Sources

Sadism
    Geisler, N.L. (1999). In Baker encyclopedia of Christian apologetics. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books. Article on Muhammad, Character of.
    Watt, W. Montgomery (1 July 1952). "The Condemnation of the Jews of Banu Qurayzah". The Muslim World. 42 (3): 160–71
    Rahman al-Mubarakpuri, Saifur (2005), The Sealed Nectar, Darussalam Publications, pp. 201–05
    Sunan Abu Dawud, 14:2665
    Sunan Abu Dawood, 38:4390
    Sahih al-Bukhari, 4:52:280
Slavery
    Rodney Stark, "For the Glory of God: How Monotheism Led to Reformations, Science, Witch-Hunts, and the End of Slavery", p. 338, 2003, Princeton University Press
    Levy, Reuben (2000). "Slavery in Islam". The Social Structure of Islam. NY: Routledge. pp. 73–90.
    Islam and Slavery". State University of New York at Oswego. Archived from the original on 30 September 2018.
    "Slavery in Islam". BBC. 7 September 2009. Archived from the original on 6 October 2018.
Pedophilia
    Sahih al-Bukhari, 5:58:234
    Sahih al-Bukhari, 5:58:236
    Sahih al-Bukhari, 7:62:64
    Sahih al-Bukhari, 7:62:65
    Sahih al-Bukhari, 7:62:88
    Sahih Muslim, 8:3309
    Sahih Muslim, 8:3310
    Sahih Muslim, 8:3311
    Sunan Abu Dawood, 41:4915
    Ophelia Benson; Jeremy Stangroom (2009). Does God Hate Women?. Bloomsbury Publishing. pp. 38–40

The Moon Monster
Dec 30, 2005

Hello Sailor posted:

I'm not sure you know what the scholarly arguments for a historical Jesus are, if that's your takeaway. Under the methods of historical criticism, you don't just entirely reject a document because the writer was biased or because it contains fanciful elements.

But let's go ahead and throw them out, anyway. From non-Christian documents, we know that the Jews were really chafing under Roman rule (the three Jewish Rebellions took place between 66-136 CE) and that one of the effects of that friction was the regular appearance of Jews claiming to be the Messiah, who would then be executed by the Roman government. Do you really think it's likely that exactly zero of them had teachings that survived their death? Because there are still Branch Davidians who think Koresh was the real deal and that he's coming back.

There was probably some guy back then who did some stuff = Jesus was real, got it.

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013

*splays hand over Israel/Jordan map* You see in approximate a century plus worth of any given time ever, there was surprisingly some uprising in this area. Therefor

Kirk Vikernes
Apr 26, 2004

Count Goatnackh

Jesus built my hotrod

DickParasite
Dec 2, 2004


Slippery Tilde

Genesplicer posted:

One thing that all the conservative fundamentalist Christians seem to be unaware of is the fact that not one single person mentioned in the bible could be considered their definition of a "White Person."

Pontius Pilate was Italian and killed jesus but I couldn't name another.

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013

DickParasite posted:

Pontius Pilate was Italian and killed jesus but I couldn't name another.

He also backed Sejanus, initially, which is interesting, if you're into history.

It's something that apparently was used (I would guess almost certainly without evidence) to suggest that this was used against him by Jewish leaders as leverage to convince him to crucify Jesus.

In otherwords, he backed Sejanus because apparently Sejanus intervened on his behalf to make him governor of Judea (idk why). However, later on when Sejanus' own, larger power grab failed, Jewish leaders in his area of control realized that Pilot had thrown his chips in with the failed coup and said "We can make this worse for you unless you play ball and give us jesus". It's just that over time, like, nobody except Roman history nerds remembers who Sejanus was or why that was interesting.

e: if anyone is interested Sejanus is a straight stone cold OG Soap Opera bad guy. Long term ties to the purple, decades long plots against the family, poisons, drownings children, fist fights with the emperors son in public, seducing said emperors son's wife AFTER THAT FISTFIGHT.
Getting said seduced wife to poison said emperor's son after that... the man was straight fuckin baller rear end evil. and he owned

This thread is now about Sejanus and Jesus together

Big Beef City fucked around with this message at 15:08 on Jul 8, 2020

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DickParasite
Dec 2, 2004


Slippery Tilde

Big Beef City posted:

He also backed Sejanus, initially, which is interesting, if you're into history.

It's something that apparently was used (I would guess almost certainly without evidence) to suggest that this was used against him by Jewish leaders as leverage to convince him to crucify Jesus.

In otherwords, he backed Sejanus because apparently Sejanus intervened on his behalf to make him governor of Judea (idk why). However, later on when Sejanus' own, larger power grab failed, Jewish leaders in his area of control realized that Pilot had thrown his chips in with the failed coup and said "We can make this worse for you unless you play ball and give us jesus". It's just that over time, like, nobody except Roman history nerds remembers who Sejanus was or why that was interesting.

That's cool I'm no history buff so I never heard of Sejanus.

I also have a notion that the gospels had to be reinterpreted after the fall of Jerusalem and the destruction of the second temple, and that the expression "take no thought for the morrow" only makes sense in a truly desperate scenario. I'm sure these aren't new ideas. Do you (or anyone) have any book suggestions that put the new testament era into the broader history of that era?

E: just saw your edit that sounds rad as hell

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