Can't poop good

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Can't poop good

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

Stop taking opioids.

# ¿ Jul 9, 2020 18:41

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# ¿ Apr 16, 2024 22:37

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

I used to get a dot of blood on the TP pretty regularly when pooping at work. Ever since I've been working from home since March, zero blood.

So try changing up your TP? Stop buying the cheapest brand, maybe?

Also, OP really needs to kick the Opioids, or if he's not going to do that, he needs to lean all the way in and start eating and making tea out of poppy seeds.

Jose posted:

quote:
I've been drinking tea for a bit but recently I wanted to test the waters of eating my seeds. So I started eating my poppy seeds after I did 1 wash. I would thrown them in my vitamix and make delicious smoothies or just chug them down with water. On a low setting my blender doesn't chop up the seeds so I don't get any of the nasty oils/alkaloids inside. This was making the seeds significantly more powerful. I felt this was the best way to get the most bang for my buck. My dose every time was around 50-60 grams. The first two times I did this there wasn't any problems and my doses were split up. I try my best to dose seeds 1-2 times a week max and space out my dosing by at least 3-6 days.

Last week I was dealing with a lot of emotional garbage from my past that popped back into my life and broke my rule. I used four times last week and the last two times were back to back. My constipation was quite severe to the say the least. All week I was using magnesium and plenty of fiber to mitigate the poppy no-poops. I've been constipated before from opioids/other reasons and this was leagues apart. I had severe abdominal pain and knew that eating the seeds had backed up my GI tract combined with the opiate constipation. I had the severe urge to poop but no matter what I did it wouldn't come out. It was way too huge and hard to pass my sphincter. Just trying was quite painful and uncomfortable.

So I did what I haven't ever had to do before. I had to dig around to feel the extent of my predicament. It was rock hard up there and way too big to pass. I was absolutely shocked/terrified how full my rectum was. Going to the ER was definitely on the table. I began to break up what I could and started pulling out minuscule amounts of poo encrusted poppy seeds. This was extremely painful. I was literally screaming each time I had to pull a serious amount from the cavern. I knew I was in deep poo poo. After cleaning up I sped off to the CVS and picked up an enema and laxatives. This was the most painful drive of my life(felt like an eternity). When I got back home I used what I picked up. Within minutes I was back on the toilet. It still would not pass(mostly liquid) but I dug out what I could.

I then went back and fourth to the toilet for the next 2 hours without making much of an impact. The ER was sounding more and more realistic. My pain was getting worst and worst. Finally my urge to poo was so bad again I darted for the toilet once more. I tried my best but it would not pass. Finally I said gently caress it and pushed with all my might. It got stuck at the exit of the cave so I had to stick my fingers in and literally help pull it out in a finger/sphincter coordinated effort breech birth. This was the most painful moment of my life and I've had many painful moments. 20/10 excruciating grinding poppy seed pain. Once this Guinness Book world records log had passed I proceeded to fill up the toilet way past what I thought was possible.

No one should ever have to experience this. I wouldn't wish this pain/experience on my worst enemy. I can only imagine how much worst this would have been if I was a daily user and was using more seeds. My life past before my eyes and my mind literally ran through the possibility of dying via poppy seed blockage/perforation. I'm finally feeling somewhat back to normal but my rear end and mind will never be the same. I feel completely violated and thus have been taking a break from poppy seeds till my GI tract has a chance to fully recover. From this experience I will never be eating large amounts of poppy seeds again. I'm sure I will have nightmares in the years to come. Eat poppy seeds at your own peril. Be safe out there.

# ¿ Jul 9, 2020 22:21

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

drunken officeparty posted:

Its been this way for years if it was gonna kill me id be dead by now. It just hurts and gets super loving itchy right on the hole sometimes

drunken officeparty posted:

Also I pee 20-25 times a day and cant fall asleep with anything in there so if im not out in 15 minutes i have to get up and empty and start over

but I did just come back to this thread to say I just exploded into the toilet and i think my rear end in a top hat might actually be dying

I hope you're doing a bit, 'cuz otherwise you have both rear end cancer and diabetes or something. Or the cancer from your rear end has spread to your pancreas and/or bladder or something.

What I'm saying is, if any of this is true, you are hosed.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2020 00:48

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

drunken officeparty posted:

I am not doing a bit and I don�t think I have �betes

See a doctor.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2020 00:56

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

drunken officeparty posted:

�Hey doc my shithole bleeds when I poop�

�Lol wow thats crazy man hope it gets better�

That's not how it works. Also, tell the doctor how often you pee.

The doctor will look at your butthole and see if it's anything obvious - like hemorrhoids or a fissure - and they'll take blood and urine samples to test for a whole range of ailments that might be causing you to urinate so frequently. You might also get a cotton swab up the urethra in case it's an STD.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2020 01:39

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

drunken officeparty posted:

Whats the catch

The catch is that if you don't have health insurance it costs a lot.

But, y'know, your money or your life.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2020 02:35

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

drunken officeparty posted:

No I mean whats the catch with you. Whats your angle. Do you shill for big proctology?

You're probably dying and I want you to get help. It's my Voight-Kampff test.

EDIT: "A man on the internet glibly describes the symptoms of rear end cancer and diabetes. What do you do?"

"I try to convince him to see a doctor."

# ¿ Jul 10, 2020 04:25

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

Icochet posted:

Remember that a normal run-of-the-mill doctor doesn't know poo poo about the rear end. A GP will stick their finger up there no problem but unless they cut their finger on a sharp tumor they will think all is well and send you home with some paracetamol. You need to be assertive and demand to see a real rear end doctor. It won't be easy though, they're like minor royalty among doctors. Blood on the underpants helps.

GP's deal with hemorrhoids and anal fissures all the time. If that's not it, they'll refer you to some kind of specialist (GI or proctology) depending on what they think is wrong.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2020 04:40

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

YeahTubaMike posted:

He & Amber Heard seem like complete lunatics.

As I get older, I begin to realize that the human psyche/ego is not equipped for even a small level of fame/celebrity.

See also: Lowtax

# ¿ Jul 10, 2020 16:13

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

YeahTubaMike posted:

I know I posted about this in the TCC thread about Subway, but Jared Fogle seems like another prime example.

Fogle was always a pedo. Being rich just gave him the means to set up rendezvous in hotels with trafficked children.

If he wasn't rich and famous, he'd be driving around in a van offering free candy.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2020 17:02

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

ShortyMR.CAT posted:

i'd like to take this chance to worry about actually dying guts and pissin like a horse goon. why ur guts dyin dude!

'cuz he has rear end cancer and diabetes.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2020 19:56

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

Eldercain posted:

currently not pooping good. I think I might have ibs and whether or not I do whatever's happening down there is really truly unpleasant

Try cutting things out of your diet. Some people are gluten intolerant - I'm soy intolerant. It's very hard to figure out because soy is literally in everything. Anything labeled as "Vegetable Oil" is soybean oil 9 times out of 10.

If it's soy, it really, really sucks, 'cuz you basically can't eat out anywhere.

# ¿ Jul 12, 2020 00:31

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

drunken officeparty posted:

Poop log, stardate july 11th tyool:

I feel like I ate a rock. Mild on the blood situation. I think my rear end in a top hat might actually necrose

doctor.

# ¿ Jul 12, 2020 01:56

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

Dixville posted:

I'm pretty sure I rememeber a similar not pooping thread a while back welp glad you're feeling better op 🥳👍

Goons are getting older and having a harder and harder time pooping.

# ¿ Jul 12, 2020 02:58

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

Macasaurus posted:

the hell are yall eating

ArbitraryC posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaAF_GAc3Mk

# ¿ Jul 12, 2020 03:11

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

drunken officeparty posted:

Every morning I play a game called �can i make it from my house to the bathroom at work before I poo poo my pants�

At this point, if you won't see a doctor, then it's a fetish.

gimme the GOD drat candy posted:

realtalk, if i had a question about pooping gbs is absolutely the first place i'd ask. when it comes to pooping, nowhere can beat gbs for both expertise and enthusiasm.

Yep.

# ¿ Jul 12, 2020 15:15

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

drunken officeparty posted:

do you know how easy it is to just not go to a doctor

I get it, you'd rather sit around cranking off to your wet and messy shits. It's fine, I don't care anymore.

# ¿ Jul 12, 2020 15:31

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

BIG TIT LIL NIP posted:

real talk I quit eating meat and fast food and took up fiber and I havnt had to wipe my rear end in three weeks

I don't *have to* wipe my rear end, I *get to* wipe my rear end. :biglips:

# ¿ Jul 12, 2020 23:49

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

BigBadSteve posted:

Pooping as I type this, second one within an hour of waking up.

Pics or it didn't happen.

# ¿ Jul 13, 2020 00:54

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

Sillybones posted:

I've had running poo poo for about a week and a half now. I wonder if I should see a doctor?

What's "running poo poo?" Your poo poo's runny, or you have to poo poo when you run?

Any medications? Even something you've been taking for a while without trouble can suddenly flip a switch in your guts and start causing diarrhea.

I once had diarrhea for over a week, so I saw my doctor and he told me to get a probiotic. I thought probiotics were woo for bored housewives, but it actually worked. :shrug:

# ¿ Jul 15, 2020 15:03

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

ShortyMR.CAT posted:

Well first of all, why are you running and making GBS threads to begin with?

People do it... avid joggers who have to poo poo uncontrollably every time they run, but they do it anyway.... and poo poo in their neighbors yards and what not.

Then it becomes a local news story, "The Phantom Pooper" then it blows up and goes viral, then everyone's talking about it. Finally, the phantom pooper gets caught on camera, 'cuz cameras these days are cheap and everyone in their area is looking for them.

# ¿ Jul 15, 2020 19:20

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

Sillybones posted:

I'll look into probiotics (which I thought were just a joke)

Me too. If that was my first visit to that doctor, I would've been like, "NOPE!" and went to another doctor, but he helped me through some other things, so I trusted him enough to give it a shot - I was skeptical as gently caress though.

It worked. There's something to them. Now, I don't take them every day - that's insane. But they actually do help the day after you've had the runs in getting things back to normal again.

# ¿ Jul 16, 2020 02:22

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

YeahTubaMike posted:

I heard that pooping anywhere between twice a day & twice a week is in the normal range, c/d?

Twice a day - fine.

Twice a week - no, you're hosed up.

Sartana posted:

I have liquid shits about 30 minutes after every meal. I don't drink anymore and my diet is pretty good. I''m taking 2 probiotics a day. Told my doctor they weren't doing much and she said take 2 more.

Getting tested for celiacs too but the absolute worst is after eating "power greens" mixes which aren't supposed to have any gluten or lectins or whatever

Sounds like a food allergy to me (lactose/soy intolerant here). Gluten's a good place to start, but watch out for soy, it's in everything. Anything labeled "Vegetable Oil" is usually soybean oil.

Good luck!

# ¿ Jul 16, 2020 13:53

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

ShortyMR.CAT posted:

Now my issue is dont poop big. Back in my 18s i took massive dumps. they were legendary. Now in my 30s i take dooks children would laugh at. I eat enough throughout the day I guess? Lots of dook material to be made but somehow only small shits

There's a tumor in your colon acting as a dam, holding back a ton of poo poo material and only letting the overflow through.

Sorry, but I'm afraid you're going to die. :rip:

# ¿ Jul 17, 2020 22:41

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

BIG TIT LIL NIP posted:

im thinking theres so such a thing as too many poops a day but im no doodooologist. please refer to my colleague senior poo poo stink MD for all poo related inquiries

If you have multiple bowel movements a day every day, and your rear end bleeds because of the frequency of shits, you have a problem.

When I didn't realize I had a soy allergy, I would poo poo first thing in the morning, go to work, work two hours, poo poo during break1, work two hours, eat lunch and then poo poo, work two hours, poo poo during break2, work two hours, go home, poo poo, eat dinner, poo poo before bed, go to sleep, repeat.

It was loving miserable, and I probably should've seen a doctor, but I'm glad I didn't. My sister became gluten intolerant, so I cut out gluten, no change, cut out spicy food, no change, cut out all nuts, no change, then my mom had breast cancer and she told me the doctors told her to avoid soy (something about how something in soy impersonates estrogen and that is bad for breast cancer patients). At this point, I used soy milk as my main milk substitute (lactose intolerant), ate tofu (vegan wife), used soy sauce in a lot of cooking, so I cut out the soy and within days I felt better than I had in years.

I think if I went to a doctor before all that, they would've just said, "IBS!" and prescribed me something that didn't really help and I'd either be dead or have a colostomy bag by now.

# ¿ Jul 20, 2020 03:14

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# ¿ Apr 16, 2024 22:37

Rod Hoofhearted: Jun 18, 2000; I am a ghost

ShortyMR.CAT posted:

PUSH HARD DOGGO

# ¿ Jul 20, 2020 19:42

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