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You are Hellyeah, Princess of Dale and Lady of Ithilien. You are asleep next to your husband Elboron in your suite in Dwarrowdelf in Moria, on your way to visit family in the north. Suddenly you sit bolt-upright in your bed. "I just had the most bad-rear end idea!" "What is that," Elboron mutters. "We can get the Watcher in the Water to help us get the Silmaril that is in the sea! Holy poo poo, how did I never think of that??" "It'll keep till morning." "No it won't, we leave now." You ring your bell, which echoes all through the caverns. You put on your armor, sword, bow and shield and kick at your handmaids to get the gently caress up, as well as the dozen knights who are your bodyguard. You blaze and drink wine with some blacksmiths as these pathetic fools fumble to get ready. Dawn is breaking when your party finally leaves the west gate of Moria. You wade into the water and start shouting. Eventually a huge kracken-like beast rises up and asks you what the gently caress you want. "We are going to find the Silmaril under the Sea." "Oh? And who the gently caress are you? And why should I want that?" "I will give you all the god drat weed you could imagine," you say, as you offer your pipe. It takes a massive toke. "Look," it says after a while, "I only kicked up a fuss 'cause those dickhead hobbits threw rocks at my house." "I get that. Let's go." https://www.bl.uk/collection-items/map-of-the-middle-earth >_
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Jul 24, 2020 04:49
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 09:03 |
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Ok before you get all set to go on a long journey across or under middle earth check your butthole - it might be in your butthole.
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Jul 24, 2020 04:51
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smake weed every day
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Jul 24, 2020 04:52
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Funky See Funky Do posted:Ok before you get all set to go on a long journey across or under middle earth check your butthole - it might be in your butthole. It really could be in anyone's butthole tbh. Maybe ask everyone you meet if their butthole feels inflamed. That Watchers butthole is not above suspicion either https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpxRXklWSXE
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Jul 24, 2020 05:03
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Oh yeah absolutely but check your own first.
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Jul 24, 2020 05:08
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how do we know we can trust this watcher? he might keep the ring and become the fairest squid in all the land
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Jul 24, 2020 22:22
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drat she;'s looking deep
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Jul 24, 2020 22:28
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Funky See Funky Do posted:Oh yeah absolutely but check your own first. It occurs to you that the Silmaril might be in your rear end. You goatse your butthole and ask Elboron to check for any glittering things or gems. He directs you to turn your rear end toward the rising sun so that the light shines in, and takes a look. "I'm not seeing any glittering thing except the ring on your hand," he says. >_
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Jul 24, 2020 22:48
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naem posted:how do we know we can trust this watcher? he might keep the ring and become the fairest squid in all the land maybe you can't. maayyybbeeeee you can't.......who knows
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Jul 25, 2020 04:59
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> show the Watcher our badass "Dale" neck tattoo
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Jul 25, 2020 05:24
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gaze on my awesome artwokr that i totally did not steal from google and slap together ---------------------------------------------- you pack another bowl and have one of your ladies break open another barrel, the Watcher lolls its head on the sand and looks at the fading stars. "Why should I believe you can even complete this...quest thing?" it asks. "You don't look like a warri..wars...warsnior to me." You pull your hair aside. "Check out this sick tat, rear end in a top hat."  The Watcher glances at it. "Decent ink. What artist didju use?" "I don't recall, I was drunk. Besides, I already brought back one Silmaril, I can get another." Which you know is only half true, but who cares. The Watcher lurches up into whatever can be called standing for a kraken. "Fine. I will go to the Sea with you. I have to go down the river. I can't go over land for long. Get sunburned. I'll take this as a down-payment," it says as it snatches a barrel of weed and another of wine. "I'll wait for you at the mouth of the Greyflood. Welp, bye." It gurgles off down-river, disappearing as a stream of bubbles and wake. Your company is all ready to gently caress off to wherever you want to go. >_
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Jul 25, 2020 07:00
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Check your butthole again. Sometimes when I misplace something I look all over the place and I don't see it anywhere but then I look in a place that I already looked and it was right there and I just didn't see it.
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Jul 25, 2020 07:14
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Go South or something, get a horse or another animal to ride on
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Jul 25, 2020 07:44
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It's full morning. You mount up on Jalopy, Eowyn's sturdy warhorse. Elboron rides ENLARGED donkey. The knights have their own horses and your handmaids ride nimble ponies. Six knights guard you and Elboron, while the others guard your short baggage train with all your weed, wine, coin, and other supplies, occasionally sneaking some on the road to get blazed; but then you all do. In fact there is not a moment when you are all not stoned. Every time you stop for camp, you jam a fist in your rear end to check for gems, but find none. You find a spot on the river and swim/wade your animals across, and proceed south into northern Dunland, to the Great South Road, which has been repaired and goes again all the way to Rohan. After several days of bad weather, you meet a solitary man riding a small donkey cart. He is short, fat, and has huge arms covered in tats, with cornrows on his head and an enormous handlebar mustache. Through the rain you recognize him; it is Barliman Butterbur. "Hello Innkeep," you say cheerfully. "Would you like some wine and weed?" "You?" he says as he squints. "Oh I remember you. You destroyed my tavern. It was in my family for generations." "I didn't do that. The bear did." "Whatever. You and that Rohan woman riled him up. Now I have nothing except this loving cart and donkey. Leave me be. I'm going to The City to kill the King." "Why?" "The Rohan lady is dead I hear, and I can't find Bill Ferny, so Strider is the last one on my list. He always did make fun of me." >_
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Jul 25, 2020 08:28
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Try to talk down the barkeep from killing people - or at least, direct him to killing people you specifically want dead. If theres no spare horse for him to join your party, have one of the knight guards get on all fours and be the horse for a while. If he doesn't want to join the party, try convincing him that the King is that other way instead, off that cliff.
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Jul 25, 2020 09:58
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> enlarge butterman
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Jul 25, 2020 12:10
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Elboron puts his hand on the hilt of his sword. "Dude, I am the king's steward. You can't just threaten him and expect me not to arrest you." With a gesture he directs some knights to surround the man. "What are you going to do about it," says Butterbur, "you mewling little whelp, you don't even have a beard. My craps are more fearsome than that baby-rear end face of yours. You're riding a loving donkey, though it is huge, I admit, but what steward of the king rides a donkey. Come down off there and fight me like a man." You blaze up super hard and clap your hands, ready for some entertainment; all your party starts hooting and hollering. Elboron dismounts, sheds his weapons, and waits while Butterbur ponderously climbs off the cart. In the rain, the duel commences. Elboron is lithe and quick and gets in several good jabs while Butterbur lumbers and throws haymakers. A half-hour later both men are bruised and wheezing. Elboron hurls a clump of mud at Butterbur, then pummels his kidneys. Butterbur bear-hugs him and power-slams him into the road. Elboron kicks him in the balls and breaks his hand landing a solid right-cross. Everyone is drunk and/or high. Butterbur staggers. "Fine, fine....I've been hosed up enough losing everything. Give me some wine and let me pass. Imma kill the king." You pack a fresh bowl and hand the pipe to him. "What if I told you that you could be richer than you ever imagined it you came with us instead? We are looking for some serious loot and...sort of know where it is." You cast ENLARGE BUTTERBUR, and he grows a foot taller. You have no idea how the gently caress you did that; maybe Jalopy had something to do with it. Your party: You, Elboron, four handmaidens, twelve knights, Butterbur Inventory: Misc. weapons, six barrels of weed, ten barrels of wine and ale, food and camp supplies >_
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Jul 25, 2020 21:26
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I've seen some big rear end donkeys I wouldn't talk poo poo about if I was a horse guy - but then again if I was a horse guy maybe I'd be more aggressive
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Jul 25, 2020 22:06
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>SEDUCE enlarged butterburn
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Jul 25, 2020 22:33
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Ask the former tavern owner is he knows any cheese sellers so we can get some premium cheese to pair with our wine. We're nobles, we got CLASS
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Jul 25, 2020 22:38
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ASK Butterbur if he's got any friends left that might take pity on him for his loses and spot him a houseboat or two to float our happy asses down the river like a party barge
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Jul 26, 2020 01:09
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It's the middle of the night but everyone is still awake. The handmaidens are much too drunk, so you scold them and tell them to go to bed in your tent, while instructing Elboron to keep the knights well away from them. Only one or two are mostly sober at their watch. You approach Butterbur, who is shitfaced, and ask what he has in his little cart. "I uh. Bread...flint, a cup, some cheese--" "Gimme," you gesture. "It will go with the wine." Butterbur tries to untie the sackcloth but his hands are too busted, so you do it yourself, unveiling a huge wheel of red cheese, which you cut up and pass around. "Wait now," says Butterbur, "you owe me for thats." You take out a purse of gold coins and show it to him. The gold glows and shines in the campfire light. "Here, is this enough you petty fucker?" You dip your hand into the treasure and let it fall before Butterbur's widening eyes. "This is a pathetic tithe of what you will have if you enter my service. Gold like you never dreamed, and more." When he belches and licks his lips, you know you have him. "Take your donkey and cart to Tharbad and hire the biggest ship you can find, or buy it outright," you say, slamming the purse into his hand. "We will meet you there at some point." Butterbur nods, stuffs the purse into his pants, and leaves. The moon is setting. Most everyone is passed out, except for the two knights on watch, who are plainly high as poo poo. You take one more drink, and engage in some marital relations. You can go any direction. >_
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Jul 26, 2020 02:10
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> go down
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Jul 26, 2020 02:43
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Cry Havoc posted:> go down Your party continues south in the early morning, very hungover and blitzed to the horizon to compensate. Along the road you pass several old ruins that you remember from your journey with Eowyn. A huge armored troll emerges from behind one of the destroyed walls, and offers a sheep for some wine. An old woman offers some shrooms that none of you recognize. Then a troop of mercenary cavalry come trotting up the road toward you, perhaps twenty. Their captain bears the Gondor standard, and seeing that Elboron does as well, she salutes him and you. "We're on our way to hammerfuck the poo poo out of a kracken that has been spotted in the Greyflood," she says. "We heard it has been sinking boats and eating sailors." Elboron displays the banner, black with a white mountain and tree side by side. "I am the Steward and haven't heard any poo poo like that. Maybe you are brigands." You ride forward a bit. "Do you have any papers saying that you do this?" "I have the King's standard, fool," replies the captain. "I can go where I wish on this road, and who is to say that this dork is the Steward? I don't recognize him." >negotiate >fight >continue on >blaze >do something else >_
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Jul 26, 2020 05:24
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> duel captain
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Jul 26, 2020 05:36
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I flipped a coin for this -------------------------------------------- Elboron speaks first. "So you have called me a liar and insulted my lady. Cool. Why is your company a bunch of mercs, and not the king's soldiers? Is there a war on? I would have been told." "Maybe there is, and you weren't told because you aren't really the steward," she says. Elboron tosses the standard to his captain, Rake. "Draw your sword then, or give us the road." "My lord," Rake says, "your sword-hand is busted and you can't fight for poo poo with your left. I trained you, remember? You suck with the left. A one-legged blind jester could beat you easily. Let me deal with this woman." You tuck your pipe away. "No, I will," you say as you swing down off your horse, prepping your shield and drawing your sword. "Step down here you smarmy bitch and get spanked." The woman looks around with sudden doubt. The mercenaries look on with bored expressions. She dismounts and draws. "Very well, we fight to first blood. Whoever loses gives the other the road." Your blades meet. She is much stronger than you expected, and soon your shield-arm is sagging. You try one last vicious attack, hacking her shield to splinters, which she tosses away. With the last of your effort you bring your sword down in a powerful arc, which she lazily parries, knocking your sword away, then kicks you in the chest, sending you sprawling on the road. >Yield >Try to keep fighting >Talk >Do something else >_
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Jul 26, 2020 22:44
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> toss dwarf
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Jul 26, 2020 23:32
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Cry Havoc posted:> toss dwarf
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Jul 26, 2020 23:54
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as the protagonist of this story i would just like to say that i don't endorse this kind of thing.
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Jul 26, 2020 23:55
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>explicitly endorse this kind of thing
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Jul 27, 2020 00:04
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edit: i rplaced Butterbur with Rake here because the former is supposed to be gone already and im an idiot You roll and get up, using your shield to block her relentless slashes. You are driven back among the mercenaries until you stumble into a pony upon which sits a dwarf. You reach up, grab him, and use the last of your strength to throw him at the captain, right in the face. The dwarf rolls around in the mud, cursing you. The captain slowly sits up and spits blood. All her front teeth are missing. You pick up your sword. "I drew first blood," you say. "Don't take it badly, it was a really good fight. Here," you blaze up a pipe and offer it, "this should be easier without those teeth." She takes it reluctantly, but rapidly mellows. "Who the hell are you anyway?" she asks. You tell her. "You didn't believe us the first time, why now? Who the gently caress are you?" You note that your company and hers are already getting drunk by the roadside. "Princess Nimloth. The king and queen's daughter. I'm, uh...I was tired of them." "So you are running away from home, is that it? HA HA! Do your mommy and daddy know you are here?" Nimloth glowers and sulks. "I told them I was going to visit Rivendell." "But you wanted an adventure. Hmm. Don't feel bad. You are plainly younger than I and almost beat me. And I left home, too, for the same reasons." A clamor breaks out as Rake and the dwarf engage in a drunken fist-fight, beating the poo poo out of each other. "RIMGUARD, RIMGUARD!" the mercenaries cheer, as they make bets and swap coin. "Let's be real," you say as you blaze, "the steward and I could send you back home. You are a good fighter but seem like a bit of a smug brat. Or we could lie and say we recruited you." >Kill Nimloth and her mercs >Talk more >Hire them >Recruit them / any number of them >Arrest her and take her back to her home >Leave >Do something else
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 03:16 on Jul 27, 2020 |
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Jul 27, 2020 02:50
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> go butterboat
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Jul 27, 2020 04:19
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A toad comes hopping quickly down the road to you, and jumps on your boot. You pick it up and lick it. Visions of bizarre languages swim through your mind, and vast needle-like mountains, crystal pools and an eagle with an insanely long neck and the head of a man. It picks you up and soars into the clouds, and as you look down you see the words spelled out in the earth: B. Butterbur to Lady Hellyeah, I purchased a trading cog called Fistfuck from some rubes at Tharbad. It's old but it doesn't leak. Will wait and get drunk. When you come out of your reverie you jump on your horse and order your party to turn north immediately. It takes some time for Elboron and Rake to rouse the more drunken of the guards. "Go the gently caress home," you shout to Nimloth, "or don't, but don't follow me." Your column forms up and gallops north up the road, leaving the princess and her mercenaries in a cloud of dust. After a week you come in sight of Tharbad and its harbor. Fistfuck, an ugly, big-bellied cog covered in green algae, sits alongside a dock. Butterbur lets down a plank, and your party and baggage board the ship. You can go any direction. >_ Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 04:02 on Jul 28, 2020 |
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Jul 28, 2020 03:58
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> Realize you have no loving clue what a Silmaril actually is and nobody else does either
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Jul 28, 2020 04:01
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>ENLARGE cog
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Jul 28, 2020 04:36
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Who What Now posted:> Realize you have no loving clue what a Silmaril actually is and nobody else does either
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Jul 28, 2020 04:40
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> go undersea
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Jul 28, 2020 05:24
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Daikloktos posted:They're jewels containing the primeval light of subcreation. WTF they're just fancy light bulbs?
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Jul 28, 2020 05:26
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they are basically orgasms in giant diamond form edit: like if you could take the concept, the very idea, of an orgasm, that lasted forever, and craft it into a huge jewel Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 05:42 on Jul 28, 2020 |
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Jul 28, 2020 05:37
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 09:03 |
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Pretty much, only I'd say a good orgasm should already feel like it takes you out of time so way to out yourself as a psuedo-virgin, Middle-Earth dungeonmaster
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Jul 28, 2020 06:56
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