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Raid that shire
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Aug 2, 2020 17:56
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>scour shire for weed. Recruit a hobbit to party.
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Aug 2, 2020 19:46
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Cry Havoc posted:> scour shire
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Aug 2, 2020 19:53
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Seek out the Sour Squire of the Village of Lemonparty. Squeeze him for answers.
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Aug 2, 2020 20:17
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>seek out Summer Squire Sour: the ultimate beer, drink responsibly
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Aug 2, 2020 20:39
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After a week of storms and puking, your party arrives at the mouth of the Brandywine River. At first you make good time, but upriver the current and wind are against you, so The Watcher has to pull you along, as you have no oars. Finally after another week you come to Bucklebury Ferry and tie up there. Everyone is drunk, jonesing for weed and pissed off. As the Big Folk are not allowed into the Shire, you send Pissbird and Wank to secure weed. You give them parchment notes from the....Bank of Dol Amroth, worth 50,000 coin, and tell them to just buy every bud and cask of wine in the Shire, and that you will hunt them down and kill them if they don't come back with it. The uncharacteristically neutral orcs depart toward the village of Lemonparty. ------------------------------------------------ You are now controlling Pissbird and Wank. ----------------------------------------------- You near Lemonparty, and ask after the Sour Squire of that place. You manage to get one tavern owner to take 500 for a cask of Summer Squire Sour shandy, but nobody is pleased with the sight of you, and soon enough you encounter a party of a dozen hobbits armed and mounted on ponies, led by Thain Peregrin Took. Inventory: swords, pipes, small pouch of weed, horns, shandy >Run >Talk >Fight >Do something else >_
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 00:00 on Aug 3, 2020 |
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Aug 2, 2020 23:57
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>Try to talk to them, this is trade mission after all
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Aug 3, 2020 00:36
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Zombiepop posted:>Try to talk to them, this is trade mission after all
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Aug 3, 2020 02:22
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Zombiepop posted:>Try to talk to them, this is trade mission after all >Also 
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Aug 3, 2020 02:27
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> mushrooms
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Aug 3, 2020 03:16
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Ah, glorious Lemonparty, inspiration to generations of bards who give their thousands of words to every picture Let's negotiate a bit of rough trade and find out what they smoke here all night long.
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Aug 3, 2020 07:33
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Wank takes out her pipe and lights up, causing the hobbits to notch arrows, though they don't shoot. Pissbird also blazes. "Dude," he says to the Thain, gesturing with his pipe, "we're em..ambasd...diplomats from Princess Hellyeah and the Stwreaded. They sent us to buy ALL your poo poo. Here, look." He shows them the fold of notes, and takes a swig of shandy. "Paper money?" Peregrin says, as he grabs one and inspects it. He gestures for the other hobbits to stand down. "Seems legit, but we haven't had orcs in the Shire for centuries. You will come with me to Lemonparty Village to meet the Squire. She will deal with you, or the Mayor." "Look," says Wank, "We'll give you 1,000 in BDAs if you just leave us alone. Big dick money. You could build your own castle....I don't suppose yall got any shrooms around here?" The Thain impulsively reaches into his saddle bag, but stops. "I hate castles. I have never had a good time in one," Peregrin says. "You will come with us." >Do >Don't >Something else >_
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 10:28 on Aug 3, 2020 |
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Aug 3, 2020 10:24
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> do
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Aug 3, 2020 12:06
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I DO
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Aug 3, 2020 20:14
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> toss dwarf
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Aug 3, 2020 20:19
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Pissbird and Wank follow the Thain and his party into Lemonparty Village. Everyone looks at you with suspicion, except for two old naked hobbits and a dwarf who are oiling up each other, and leer at you two from behind a big round window. You are brought to a large hobbit-house, low and wide with a big steeple and bell. You are ushered inside to a big room where the angriest, most pissed off face greets you, sitting next to a fire in the hearth. Peregrin steps aside. "Squire Goldilocks, I arrested these two orcs and brought them for questioning." "Interesting," she says, "are all orcs as rear end-ugly as you? You look even angrier than me. Maybe I should give you over to my father. He killed a few of your kind, in the war. I've never seen an orc before. What do you want?" Wank steps forward while Pissbird blazes. "All the weed in the Shire, and all of your wine." Goldilocks laughs. "You freaks do get to the point. That's impossible. My people would never go without either for so long, and the next harvest is months away." Pissbird hears a tapping at the window. The two old hobbits and the dwarf are staring inside. "We'll *cough* pay good money," says Pissbird. "We've been sent by the Steward and his Lady. Look." He takes out the enormous billfold. The Squire licks her lips as she stares at it. "I will have to consult the Mayor." "No," says Wank, "deal now or we....uh, leave." "You would have to deal with every weed farmer and winemaker in the Shire," Goldilocks says, "that will take some time." She tacitly dismisses Peregrin and his troops, leaving the three of you alone. "Listen...for that 48,000 right now I'll put out some feelers and see what I can get you. Also you have to eat that dwarf's rear end while I watch." >Negotiate >Kill someone >Leave >Agree >Do something else >_
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Aug 4, 2020 01:55
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> assassinate
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Aug 4, 2020 13:44
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I bet Pissbird and Wank have 'qualifications' that would just blow the socks off the local performers. Let's introduce the yokels to the miracles of profitability through economics of scale. Keep the nautical theme and call it "Sharky's Machine" and run all intoxicants through us. We'll make sure they are properly and respectfully consumed. I'm sure they'll trip over themselves for a turn sipping lemonade with the boys and getting paid to boot.
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Aug 5, 2020 01:22
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Wank whips out her sword and slashes the Squire's head off, while Pissbird catches the body before it hits the floor. "Hide the body," says Wank, "I'll clean up the blood, and do the other thing." "Oh, we're doing Gothmog's Gambit again?" asks Pissbird. "It worked well enough the last time." Pissbird tosses the corpse into the wine cellar while Wank deftly skins the face and scalp of Goldilocks, then dons it as a mask/wig. She rifles through some closets and finds hobbit-attire. Pissbird finds a suitable wheelbarrow and some chairs, which he stacks on it and fastens, adding a little coal stove with the pipe sticking out through the beautiful purple tablecloth Wank throws over it, with him underneath. Concealed, he wheels the contraption out the front door with Wank behind. Thain Peregrin demands to know what is going on. "The orcs left out the back door," Wank says, "I sent them to see the Mayor. You may be able to catch up with them, if you have a mind to." Peregrin and his troops take off down the road, followed by the two naked hobbits and dwarf. "Alright, listen up you primitives," Wank says to the gawkers of the village, "This is Sharkey's Machine. It is going to make you rich beyond your wildest dreams." "I thought Sharkey were dead," says one hobbit. "Yes," Wank nods, "but forget about that for now. With this machine, you can double, triple, quadruple all the w-...crops, wine, timber, steel, anything you produce, in a month. Think of it!" "Oh, you expect us to believe that?" shouts another hobbit. "Why haven't you brought out this Machine before? Have you been deceiving us?" The other hobbits grumble and chatter. "You could say that," says Wank, "but it was for your own good. You see, if the Machine is used too much, things get out of hand. But I know how to use it. So if you will pass the word to all your friends and family to bring everything they own here, to this glorious Lemonparty Village, I will put it through the Machine and replicate it, and none of you will ever need to work again. As long as you keep convincing people to give me their sh...products. I will distribute the profits equitably, of course." One burly hobbit-wife muscles to the front of the crowd. "What guarantee do we have this Machine works?" Wank throws a bank note down the stove chimney, then reaches under the cloth and pulls out a wad of notes worth 40,000, and hurls it at the crowd, who scramble to pick them up. "I can promise so much more than that," Wank says, "if you all bring me everything you can get your hands on. As well as all ready money you have available, of course, as a processing fee." The hobbits all take off running or riding all over the Shire, leaving you and Pissbird alone. You blaze and get drunk in Goldilock's kitchen. >_
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Aug 5, 2020 02:59
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Guess we gotta wait and masturbate.
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Aug 5, 2020 11:44
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Wank and Pissbird spend the next two days digging through the house and drinking all the wine and ale they can find, while getting nasty whenever they are sober enough. On the third day a fist pounds on the door. Wank opens it while Pissbird hides under the Machine. A huge collection of hobbits, thousands perhaps, is gathered outside. There are hundreds of wagons stuffed full of all sorts of things: weed, wine, ale, food, shrooms, and random other bullshit like tapestries, spices, furniture, candles, dishware, and beehives. Another wagon is filled with sacks of coin. "Bring the Machine and replicate it all!" the hobbits cheer. Pissbird pushes the wheelbarrow out into the center of the village, while children ring the bells in the tower with delight. Wank drops another note in the chimney, and pulls out the rest of the notes, and hurls them at the crowd. "Are yall ready to get RICH!!?" The hobbits bellow their agreement. Wank waves for silence. "Well first, we have to go to the river, where the Big Folk are. Can't make any money if we don't move product, right?" The hobbits nod very sensibly and form the wagons up into a caravan. After a day the crowd approaches Bucklebury Ferry at nightfall, with Fuckfist tied alongside. "We're going to have to fake replicating all this poo poo if we're gonna get it on board," whispers Pissbird from under the tablecloth. Thain Peregrin takes this moment to ride up with his troops, blowing his horn. "Sour Squire, I have met with the Mayor and searched the whole Shire, those orcs are still at large." "Oh indeed?" Wank says, "keep looking, they can't be far. Most likely they are hiding nearby. You know how orcs are." Peregrin looks at Wank curiously. "You don't seem quite well." "Oh, this?" Wank says as she plucks a piece of rotten skin off her face-mask, "it's allergies." He looks at the huge crowd, and the ship. "What is all this? There must be five hundred wagons in this train. And why is there a Gondor ship here?" >Bluff >Trick >Bribe >Fight >Do something else >_
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Aug 6, 2020 06:29
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Where some see a huge collection of hobbits as a potential liability, we have the chance to profit (winks lewdly) handsomely. As we have now relieved them of all possessions, we must send them out into Middle Earth as cultural ambassadors. What have we done... I just wanted a Tickle Me Ulmo doll
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Aug 6, 2020 06:48
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> all shall blaze
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Aug 6, 2020 09:47
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>Get stoned and trick em, and if it doesnt work try to bribe the thain dude with the kingship of hobbit land or whatever title we are posing as.
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Aug 6, 2020 21:45
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"What is going on here," says Wank, "is the opportunity of a lifetime. All the hobbits- my fellow Shirefolk- assembled here can now go out into the world and share the magic of the Machine." She turns to the crowd. "Help me load all of this product onto the ship. Then, here is what you do. Take one item, and go find someone, anyone, and sell it to them, but only if they agree to recruit two other people to do the same thing, in return for a cut of what they sell, and tell them to tell their recruits to do the same thing. I will leave the Machine with you so that you will never run out of product!" The crowd cheers and begins enthusiastically loading all their poo poo onto the ship, with the help of the knights and Butterbur. Wank passes out weed generously and everyone blazes, even the Thain. When no one is looking, Pissbird slips out from under the tablecloth and swims to the other side of the ship, climbing aboard. Wank pushes the barrow away from the dock and, waving goodbye, runs up the gangplank to the princess. "Cut the lines and sail immediately," she says. ------------------------------------------- You are now controlling Princess Hellyeah. ------------------------------------------ https://www.bl.uk/collection-items/map-of-the-middle-earth You can go up or down the river, or do something else. >_
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Aug 6, 2020 22:01
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> blaze up, go up. Also check the hobbit loot to see if there was anything unexpected but good in those wagons.
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Aug 6, 2020 22:22
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Oh this is going to be good. Historians will chart the spread of a new religious movement from this moment forward. Let us provide them with a faith that will keep them off our backs forever. What would be a way to keep 10,000 recently impoverished halflings forward on itchy feet like peripatetic bedbugs... Rolls d7 on the Deadly sins table and d13 for flavor text. A Quest for the Ultimate Weed Pipe. Whoever finds it gets to be the next Lord Mayor of Lemonparty and leading trumpet player in the film adaption of "Requiem for a Meringue"
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Aug 6, 2020 22:47
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The knights slash the mooring lines and the Watcher, unseen under the water, begins to pull the ship upriver. The hobbits stand stoned and uncomprehending on the bank, some poking and meddling with the barrow contraption. As the vessel diminishes into the night, Pissbird shouts "Find the Ultimate Weed Pipe! Whoever finds it gets to be the next Lord Mayor of Lemonparty and leading trumpet player in the film adaption of "Requiem for a Meringue". "What is a film adaptation?" shouts a hobbit. "Something that will make you very rich!" Pissbird replies. You stare at Wank. "Who the gently caress are you? Wait, is that you, you weird little goblin? What are you wearing?" "Hobbit skin. Don't worry about it, long story." Wank takes off the disguise and tosses it overboard, where the Watcher promptly grabs and eats it. So passes the legacy of Goldilocks the Sour Squire. The hold of the ship, huge though it is, is stuffed so full that much of the loot has to remain on the deck. Fuckfist sits low in the river and occasionally drags on the bottom, pissing off the Watcher. You, Elboron and your crew rifle through your swag and spend the night getting blazed, laughing, and doing an extensive inventory. Some of the more interesting things you find are detailed leather maps, huge paintings of Queen Arwen, Smaug, and some landscapes you don't recognize; a very large curled horn bound with gold, a harp that plays itself if you stare at it really intently and are stoned, a whale skull, a vest made of spider web, and a sword that glows faintly blue whenever the uncharacteristically neutral orcs are nearby. Other than that: 20,152 barrels of weed, 42,000 barrels of wine and ale, finely carved furniture, carpets, rugs, gold and silver plates, forks, and goblets, animal pelts, 4 crates of arrows and bows, 2 tonnes of smoked fish and meat, 523,000 coins, and a monocle. After a week or so, you pass the Shire and enter an area of vast plains spotted with trees. The few boats you pass are obliged to beach themselves because Fuckfist is so loving huge it takes up most of the river, which fortunately gets deeper as you go north. High hills appear on the horizon. You look at your maps and see you are entering the part of Arnor called Arthedain. >_
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 00:42 on Aug 7, 2020 |
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Aug 7, 2020 00:33
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> mount whale skull on prow
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Aug 7, 2020 02:45
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Aug 7, 2020 05:20
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> buy silmariin
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Aug 7, 2020 05:23
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Pound off ur weener
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Aug 7, 2020 05:52
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You have Butterbur mount the huge whale skull on the prow so that the jaws are over and under the bull ram. Eventually the Watcher pulls your ship into the massive Lake Evendim. The Watcher rises up. "Thank gently caress that's over. You can sail yourself now. I'm going to gently caress off for a while," and it vanishes. The sails are unfurled and Fuckfist picks up speed. The lake is so wide that you cannot see any land to the west, but there are many fishing and trading boats. A fat hairy merman starts following your ship with a pod of dolphins. You blow your kazoo and direct one of your handmaidens to throw over a rope ladder, and invite the merman on board. He introduces himself as Spasticolon. After blazing a bit and drinking some wine, he says "I've heard of you. You're the one that wrecked poo poo in the Dome. Good riddance. They kicked me out long ago." "Why?" "Because I kept threatening to tell the secret of the Sea Silmaril. The merfolk think of themselves as the guardians of it for some loving reason," he says as he tokes, "and they are jealous. Ulmo, or Onwe or whatever the gently caress their name is, make them keep it secret." "If you tell me this secret," you say, "I promise I will make you King poo poo Under the Sea." "Ha ha! Yeah, sure. But I will tell you anyway," as he shrugs, "it's near the island of Himling. You won't be able to touch it though. No one can, except the gods. Why else hasn't anyone looked for it? Ha. The Ur-Weener guards it, and no one can get past that fucker. Got any more wine?" "The Ur-Weener?" you ask. "The Eldest of Dicks, the Original Cock. No one knows how old it is, but its been living in the Sea for loving ever...some say it is meant to gently caress Morgoth when that one comes back." Later that night after some fun time with Elboron you read books and maps by candlelight in your cabin. Himling was a great mountain fortress in eastern Beleriand before that place sank into the Sea; now it is only an island.  >???? >Do something else >_
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Aug 7, 2020 08:44
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>launch Spasticolon at Himling from a catapult to establish martial dominance
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Aug 7, 2020 09:48
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As your ship sails along, you approach Wank, Pissbird, and Butterbur. "Listen," you say quietly, "do you know how to make a catapult?" "I'm a decent carpenter," says Butterbur. "Sure, we've done sieges before," says Pissbird. "Wank knows the engineering. Why?" "I want to launch something. Really far." "How far are we talking?" Wank asks. "I've done a boulder for a mile before. Is that good enough?" You look over your shoulder to make sure Spasticolon isn't listening. He is quite drunk. "I was thinking more like 900 miles. Can you do that?" They all laugh uncontrollably. You glower and have Elboron pilot the ship to a shoal near the port town of Annuminas, and let the orcs, Butterbur, and some knights begin constructing a trebuchet on the beach while the rest of you blaze and watch. After a few days it is ready. You row to the shore with Spasticolon, down some wine, and invite him to get into the lovely comfy hammock. "Don't mind if I do," he says, "so much better than that cold water." As soon as he does, you draw your sword to the sky, and cast ENLARGE trebuchet. The catapult grows to the size of a huge hill; this makes you so weak that you fall down. Pissbird releases the catch and the merman is blithely launched into sub-orbital space in the general direction of Himling. The g-forces kill him painlessly and he falls in a parabolic arc back into the atmosphere, incinerating in the process and breaking into chunks, spraying across the morning sky as gleaming lumps of coal. All the folk of Arnor and Forlindon marvel at the light show. >_
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Aug 7, 2020 10:43
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Like a candle in the wind
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Aug 7, 2020 16:13
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I think we're gonna need some lube. Lots of it actually
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Aug 7, 2020 17:42
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> go himling
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Aug 7, 2020 17:58
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Zippy the Bummer posted:Other than that: a monocle
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Aug 7, 2020 18:01
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 19:15 |
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The Watcher bursts out of the water and slides onto the beach. "Whooooaaaaaa you will not believe this crazy thing I just s-" it looks at the giant catapult. "Ok, yall had something to do with it didn't you." You sit exhausted in the sand. "We may need a hell of a lot of lube. For a variety of reasons. Does anyone know where to get, like, 50 barrels of it?" Elboron massages his healing hand. "We've never needed any. Why?" Butterbur sloshes wine somewhere near his face. "Were you not there for the part about a huge ancient dick?" "Ohhhh, you mean the Ur-Weener," the Watcher says. "I've heard of it. Uh, you aren't thinking of trying to gently caress it, right? It's like, the size of a castle tower." "No, you idiots," you say, "a plan is growing in my brain. Butterbur, take two knights and go into town to buy all the olive oil and lard they have. Take as many donkeys as you need. Now, we need a way to get to this Himling island. We either go back the way we came, or get over these hills to the River Lune somehow." >"We can't leave the ship here full of our loot," Elboron says, "it's a floating bank. We should go back down river to the Sea." Rake comes out of his stoned stupor to say, "We could make a rolling log road and have the Watcher drag Fuckfist over the hills." >"Oh gently caress that," growls Watcher, "even if I wanted to and we made it and I didn't die at the end of all this, I would utterly ruin all of your poo poo if I didn't get paid like you promised...but yeah it's possible." >"My lady," says one of your handmaidens, "We could unload everything, purchase more animals, and travel with all of it to the Sea." "We don't have the troops to defend a long baggage train," says Elboron, "and without a ship, what would we do, anyway? > or do something else >_
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Aug 8, 2020 03:41
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