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You pull Ossa to her feet. "Wake up you silly girl. How much money do we have?" you whisper. She looks lost. "Money? We have no coin, but you have your accounts. I lost my ledger in the wreck, but something like 50 million divided in the two banks...and you could borrow against y--" You turn to the tusk-frog. "I'll offer 100 million for the jewel. 150 for everything in your shop." It cocks its head back and forth, staring at the ceiling. "I've become fond of the thing, but might be I could part with it for that much," it croaks. "Do you have it with you? I don't think you do." "I can write note that you can redeem at the bank. I'm a princess and Stewardess of Gondor, my word and seal are good as gold." Tusk-frog grunts. "Paper? Do I look like I have a face a banker would trust?" Pissbird steps forward. "Look dude, you, me, we know what it's like being ugly outcasts in a human world. I get why you're suspicious. But if you take this offer, you can live like an emperor for the rest of your life. Assuming you aren't immortal. What are you, anyway?" Tusk-frog crosses its arms. "No paper. If you have coin I'll bargain, or if you have something to trade." You start furiously kicking its meaty legs, while casting ENLARGE Silmaril and yelling at Ossa to grab the jewel. Nothing happens to it and Ossa just stares vacantly at you. Tusk-frog seems bemused as you finally exhaust yourself and sit down on the wet stone floor. "Your country must have very odd business practices." "Pissbird," you mutter, "do you have any drugs. Any drugs at all." "Well...I have some powdered oliphant ivory, but I was saving that for when I could find a broth-" "Give it to me." He reluctantly hands over a small pouch. You stand back up and clear your throat as you face Tusk-frog. "Have you been feeling tired, lately? Run-down? Not hitting the heavy bag as hard as you used to? Trouble in the bedroom, perhaps?" "Bedroom? I'm the only creature that lives down here--" "Oh for-," Pissbird shouts, "how are you here alone? What do you eat? Do you seriously never gently caress?" Tusk-frog is taken aback. "Well, there was this one troll, in one of the caves, but she left to fight for that Mordor rear end in a top hat." "Take this," you say, tossing the pouch at him, "it makes your dick hard and stamina near-infinite. Go find some strange, and meanwhile I will spread the word far and wide about your amazing shop. In addition to the money. If you give me that jewel." The frog considers this. "It would be nice to see the sun again, and maybe get laid. I'm almost out of weed, too. Tell you what. I will accept your offer if you can beat me in the most sacred and ancient of contests...Roshambo." Ossa faints again, and even Pissbird draws back in fear. You agree to play. "Best of five. But if I lose, I may have to try to slay you." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Coin flip time. Flip a coin and post the result. If no one does, GRINDCORE MEGGIDO and HugeGrossBurrito are usually obliging.
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Aug 30, 2020 01:36
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Tails. Also, really nice job incorporating everyone's input on this one, good poo poo
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Aug 30, 2020 03:10
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thanks it ended up way longer than i thought it would be i'll end voting at noon today i guess (est US)
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Aug 30, 2020 10:39
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lol ohhh i was wondering what the coin flip was for
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Aug 30, 2020 15:57
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Tails 2, Heads 1 ------------------------------------ Tusk-frog is polite enough to pull a tub into the room and fill it with hot water for the bathing ritual, and produces the ceremonial white robes for everyone to wear once cleansed. Your opponent stretches on the other side of the shop while Pissbird takes you aside as Ossa massages your hands. "Watch his eyes," says the uncharacteristically neutral orc, "he'll be looking at your hands for some clue. Keep your fist loose. Don't give anything away." You nod and work the cricks out of your neck. "If this goes badly, don't be brave. Just run the hell away." "Bugger that," says Pissbird. "If you die I'll try to take the jewel for myself. I've come this far." "Fair enough. At least make sure Ossa flees before the frog swallows you." You and Tusk-frog stand face to face, more or less, in the center of the hall. After a moment, you both raise a fist over an open palm. Slam slam slam. Tusk-frog takes the first round with scissors against your paper. Slam slam slam. Tusk-frog takes the second with rock against your scissors. Slam slam slam. You take the third with paper over his rock. Slam slam slam. Four is annulled with both of you producing rocks. Slam slam slam, you do it over. Your rock defeats his scissors. Ossa buries her face in Pissbird's armpit. Slam slam smack. Your scissors defeat Tusk-frog's paper. Ossa starts crying and jumping up and down. "gently caress" the frog croaks, "I've never lost at Roshambo before. Ah well. I will grab my last barrel of weed, and we can all blaze while you collect your winnings, then we will go up." You, Pissbird and Tusk-frog blaze while you send Ossa to fetch some crabs to help gather your loot. How to transport the Silmaril is a different matter. It is blinding and hot when you approach it. "You must have done some heinous poo poo at some point," the frog says, stoned as gently caress. You can go any direction. >_
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Aug 30, 2020 22:02
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> chillmaril
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Sep 1, 2020 19:41
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The gears in your head begin turning, inspired by the smoke you inhale. You order Pissbird to go back up, and have one of the wild men's boats made into a crane, and another into a large box. It takes a while, but with the help of the crabs he gets it done, and positions it over the door above. He lowers the box, and you shout for the crabs to throw down huge chunks of ice. With Ossa's help you push the box up against the table, and kick it over so that the jewel falls inside. Tusk-frog tosses the ice into the box and tamps it down around the Silmaril, encasing it in a frozen cube. Pissbird and the knights hoist it up out of the consignment shop as you climb the stairs below it. The surviving wild men look with awe at the shimmering ice block; some run away into the wilderness, while some stay to help pull it along the ice. "I forgot how loving cold it is up here," says Tusk-frog, as the wind whips his apron. You and the knights commandeer all the remaining fishing boats, only one of which can hold the heavy ice cube. This your party ties to the others, to tow it. A dozen wild men agree to help sail and row the boats. Indecipherable Name approaches. "Goodbye, lady. Your country is no place for crabs. But I will take my payment now. A cask of weed will suffice." You bid farewell and sail away. You sail past the Ice Bay of Forochel, through the straights with Himling rising on your right and the Blue Mountains on your left. A couple of wild men knife each other over dicing, one dying, and a knight killing the other, dumping them in the sea. Weed is running low after a month voyage and Tusk-frog starts using his huge webbed hands as paddles to speed up the boats. Finally you enter the Gulf of Lune and sail up to the Grey Havens, where your party disembarks. The wild men leave. You trade some loot with the elves and dwarves there to get some mules to haul your poo poo, and the Silmaril on a wagon, which you make sure to keep well-covered up. The only decision is where to take it. Your party: You, Ossa, Pissbird, Tusk-frog, four knights, Jalopy >Take it to Minas Tirith >Take it to Dale >Take it to Rohan >Do something else >Kill someone >_
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 01:29 on Sep 2, 2020 |
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Sep 2, 2020 01:25
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>SEDUCE Ossa
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Sep 2, 2020 02:12
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naem posted:>SEDUCE Ossa I failed to make it clear that Ossa is practically a child. I should have been a better writer, oops. 
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Sep 2, 2020 03:41
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I was going to say "let's go to Rohan and blaze with Eowyn" but Let's go to Rohan and blaze with Eomer! Also Pissbird deserves a reward for being such a chill dude
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Sep 2, 2020 10:30
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> go mt doom
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Sep 2, 2020 17:03
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>CONSUME SIMIRIL >BECOME a SAURON >ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR https://youtu.be/QAb6z4evmuE
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Sep 2, 2020 19:28
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>use new powers to bless hobbits and ENLARGE them into DIRE HOBBITS >CONQUER EARTH
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Sep 2, 2020 19:30
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this is alot to think about
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Sep 2, 2020 21:45
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Your party crosses south of the Tower Hills to avoid the Shire. After a week you arrive at Sarn Ford, and bribe the hobbits by casting ENLARGE hobbits to make them DIRE hobbits, increasing their height by one foot. They let you pass over Brandywine, and then continue down the Greenway toward the fords of Isen. At Tharbad, where you stop to rest, you start having morning sickness, but are also able to buy a wagonload of weed. Ossa insists that you ride in the Silmaril wagon, while she rides Jalopy herself. A month passes at a very slow pace until you cross the Isen, then make your way to Edoras. Eomer greets you warmly as you are his sister's daughter by marriage and the wife of his late nephew. The Golden Hall of Meduseld is filled with smoke for a long week. He introduces you to his only son, Elfwine. Later that evening, when everyone is passed out drunk or stoned, Eomer approaches you. "Elfwine is a bit younger than you, but he's a good dude. What saysshs you marry him? Join Dale and Rohan." "I am not the queen of Dale, nor am I like to be any time soon," you say. Eomer, plainly drunk, looks abashed. "I didn't know that you didn'tn'tn't know. A rider came a month ago. Your pareths drowned in a sthudden storm on Esgaroth. I'm sorry." You turn away and walk out of the hall into the night and stare at the stars. Pissbird comes to stand next to you. "Nice night isn't it?" he says. "Pissbird, do you have any poison? The innocent kind?" He looks at you curiously. "What do you want with poison? Yes, I could find some..." "Good. I have a wedding to attend. Get about it." Pissbird shambles off into the prairie. Three days later, you sit on the throne in Meduseld with a crown on your head, and another brought by a huge escort of knights from Dale. "Ah geez," you say to the assembled court, "really a shame about Eomer and Lothir......Lothiriel, thats how you say- said- her name right? So tragic, that sudden onset of a chill. Oh, and my beloved husband of course. Elfwine, so sweet a man. Gone before his time. I will grieve and sing the songs before their tombs. But first I must go see that my realm of Dale is in order. In the meantime, the uncharacteristically neutral orc Pissbird will act as my steward." You leave the Dale knights to garrison Edoras and take the original four with you, along with Ossa and Tusk-frog. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i'm going to have to make this a two parter im reallt drunk
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Sep 3, 2020 08:16
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> cast sober
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Sep 4, 2020 03:13
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As Ossa saddles up Jalopy early in the morning, a pigeon arrives from Minas Tirith with a message. From Ellasar King, I have heard disturbing rumors that King Eomer and his family have been slain. Do you have anything to say about this? I am sorry you have been twice widowed but I must ask. Hit me back. Estel . You write back: Those loving Dunlandings did it, they're always loving around with Rohan. You should destroy them. Regards, Queen Hellyeah of Dale and Rohan, Stewardess of Gondor. After a few weeks of slow going, your party meets a large army marching north from Gondor. Prince Eldarion leads it, and you hail him. "Queen Hellyeah," he says, amazed, "I did not expect to see you. I'm sorry for your loss. Elboron, Elfwine, and I often played together when we were boys. Hawking and such...we are going to Dunland to teach the wild-men a lesson." "Why? Oh, yes, my poor kin," you say, "may blood pay for blood." After another month you cross Anduin at Osgiliath and come to Emyn Arnen just in time to deliver twins, a son, whom you name Barahir, and a daughter, whom you name Bemia. You receive a letter from Minas Tirith congratulating you and also commanding you to travel to Mordor to see what the deal is there. You and Tusk-frog visit the bank and he receives his payment. You leave Ossa and the knights in charge at Emyn Arnen. You and Tusk-frog go with your Silmaril wagon and his massive amounts of coin, over the Morgul pass and into Mordor. The place still mostly looks like poo poo, but the area around the Sea of Nurnen is filled with fertile farmland, and many people working it. You and Tusk-frog blaze into the hyperzone. "Tusk-dude," you say, "with the power invested in me as Stewardess of Congress, or Gondor, I hearby decl....You are the Duke of Nurn. Everything around this sea is your provence." You peace out with Jalopy and the Silmaril. Eventually you arrive at Amon Amarth. The mountain is busted all to gently caress and the top half is blasted off like it poo poo itself. There are some lingering fires but not much else. You trot your horse inside a ruined cavern that overlooks a dark slurry of half-melted tar and lava. It occurs to you that perhaps you should just toss the Silmaril in there, and go back home to your children. You don't. On your way to Dale you find the Greenwood almost entirely devoid of elves. Every so often you shout "This is the realm of Dale." No one challenges you. At Dale you are formally crowned Queen. Dwarves from Erebor construct cranes and devices to lift the Silmaril to the top of the highest tower in the city, where it is carefully set on a pedestal. After that, all stairs and entrances to the top of the tower are filled with rocks and sand. You are now the sole owner of the two last Silmarils. You can go any direction. >_
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Sep 4, 2020 06:06
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 Dark green is your new empire. light green is the rump state tusk frog duchy
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Sep 4, 2020 11:02
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I suppose the third silmaril is up there with Earendil or else Hellyeah could go get it
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Sep 4, 2020 15:36
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> conquer rhun
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Sep 4, 2020 15:47
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>Oh god border gore, fix that
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Sep 4, 2020 17:05
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HIJK posted:I suppose the third silmaril is up there with Earendil or else Hellyeah could go get it yeah its a star, in space or something Zombiepop posted:>Oh god border gore, fix that i have been looking at this for a while now and i dont know what it means exactly. wghat dies it mean
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Sep 5, 2020 01:19
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Cry Havoc posted:> conquer rhun >ASSEMBLE Dire Hobbits©®™️ for conquest
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Sep 5, 2020 01:22
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Dwarves from the Iron Hills and Erebor bring constant complaints to you about raids from the east. You decide the time is ripe to go back to your children. You leave a palantir in Dale in the care of Diglor, your captain of guards, and take the other with you. You travel south, alone, riding Jalopy. The woods are quiet and peaceful, even as you pass the pits that used to be Dol Guldur. The few woodsfolk you meet are happy enough to put their queen up for the night, especially when you open your bag of Longbottom Leaf. After a month journey you leave the Greenwood and enter the prairies of the Ents. Chad Bradford encounters you on the road. "I know you," you say, "my husband's mother told me about you. You killed the Lazerwolf." The two of you blaze up in the twilight. "gently caress, I did a lot of poo poo," he says, "most of it was probably dumb as hell, but I have no regrets. You are Princess Hellyeah, yes? I was on my way to Fangorn to ask for help. Perhaps you can help me." "It's Queen Hellyeah now, but what do you need help with?" "Shitheads keep coming out of the east and chopping our new trees down. I and Autumn have killed a lot of them, but they swarm like ants. You swat one, and two more appear." You promise to help, and the Ent trudges off up the road. After another week you finally reach Emyn Arnen. Ossa brings you your babies, and you walk down into the vaults where the tombs are lain. You stand before Elboron's carved casket, which has his likeness engraved upon it, and jostle the children in your arms. "Do you see them, Elb? Do you see your daughter and son? They look much like any other baby, I admit, but they squall loudly and have a vigorous suckle. They will make great rulers some day, a mighty queen and a strong king, when I am gone to find you, wherever you are." A week later you use your palantir to communicate with Diglor. "Assemble all the forces of Dale. Those motherfuckers in Rhun are going down." You send a dove to Edoras, and another to the Duchy of Nurn: From Empress Hellyeah to Steward of Rohan Pissbird the Uncharacteristically Neutral Orc, and Duke Tuskfrog, assemble your poo poo. We are going to gently caress up Rhun. Hellyeah Empr. ------------------------------------------------------------- This will have to be a two partererdfgsgkl
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 11:03 on Sep 5, 2020 |
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Sep 5, 2020 10:46
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ride now ride now ride ride to rhun and the weeds ending
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Sep 5, 2020 13:22
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Oh my
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Sep 5, 2020 15:49
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You use the palantir to look at Rhun while stoned as all gently caress. They have a few raiding parties moving around the Ent lands, and large armies to the north and south of the sea of Rhun, mostly horse archers, infantry with axes, and chariots. Fuckwit City is the capital, at the northern finger of the sea of Rhun. You figure the army north of the Ash Mountains consists of perhaps twenty-thousand soldiers, and the one north of Fuckwit City thirty thousand. Ossa brings you a few letters by bird as you wipe your squalling babies' butts. From Uncharic gently caress spelling this poo poo its Pissbird your steward. I'm leading 4,500 horse northeast across the river. Plan to camp in the Ent lands. Await orders." The Grand Duke Tuskfrog of Nurn. I have sent a levy of 2,000 troops up through the Black Gate, under the command of Gorgust, my lizard captain. I hired a few hundred mercenaries as well. Under some androgynous-looking dwarf. Hope all ends well, Captain Diglor to Empress Hellyeah. We mustered 6,504 infantry and 2,049 horse. I am sending it east under the command of Captain Jengar. You order Ossa to stay behind and tend to your children, much to her objections. You saddle up Jalopy and gallop north. After a week you come to a huge camp in the Ent prairie, where a large force is setting up tents. You are pleased to be challenged by scouts, who introduce you to Gorgust, a large man with reptilian scales.  You can go any direction, or issue any command >_
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Sep 6, 2020 04:31
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> temporal pincer movement
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Sep 6, 2020 04:47
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amazing
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Sep 7, 2020 02:31
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Wait, what are the 2 red dots (Bleeze and Bullshit)? edit:nm those are the raiding parties. Also, is that red blob in the southeast assaulting Mordor lol Have Diglor's forces punish the gently caress out of the Bullshit raiding camp. Take their heads (literally) and go north, but stay on your side of the river. Taunt the poo poo outta that northern army on the other side of the river by throwing the severed heads across the river and "retreat". When that Rhun army is in the middle of crossing, turn around and gently caress them up. No idea what to do with the southern army though, ya'll can deal with that poo poo DeadFatDuckFat fucked around with this message at 04:08 on Sep 7, 2020 |
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Sep 7, 2020 03:56
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You camp and blaze with Pissbird, then send him and his cavalry north to a spot west of the city of Bullshit, and order them to raid and harass the Easterlings. You take command of the southern army of 2,500 infantry and four oliphants, with Gorgust the lizard man as your captain. In the early dawn you send the oliphants with Rimguard the Androgynous Dwarf in an attack that scatters the Easterling raiders, and you march into Bleeze easily. The next morning you get a message via the palantir. "Hey it's King Ellessar, I heard you had declared war on Rhun, I didn't really uh condone that at all, and you are an officer of my government after all, as Stewardess, so I thought I should ask what all you are doing--" "Oh yes, they were attacking my emp--, I mean your kingdom, and I thought-- uh oh, you're breaking up, phhhssssshhhhhh, pssshhhhhhhh, can't hear you." You toss the palatir onto a couch and throw a cloak over it. You and Gorgust take up a strong defensive position in the foothills around Bleeze. An hour later a dove arrives from the north. Pissbird. Captured Bullshit Town. Lost a lot of troops to archers but still 4,000 or so left. Another bird arrives. Captain Diglor, Jengar commanding. We sent the greater part of our horse over the river to raid the Easterlings. Their chariot vanguard pursued but could not cross, so we turned and fought. Killed many but took losses before swimming our horses back across the river. We've withdrawn into the woods a bit and are waiting. Skewered some heads on our skorpions and shot then back across the water. I have put the infantry on the flanks, hidden. Hopefully the Easterlings will try to cross. Weed running low, but we have plenty of ale."  These high hills of Rhun are actually quite beautiful and remind you of the mountains and woods of Dale. You get drunk as gently caress and ruminate over your maps and the fact that you are massively outnumbered. But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. You can go any direction. >_
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 07:56 on Sep 7, 2020 |
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Sep 7, 2020 07:53
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>
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Sep 7, 2020 13:30
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Is that Tremors lol gently caress, we taking losses. Since we're on hills maybe ambush them with rolling fire balls? I dunno, I think we're gonna die. We probably need help. Maybe offer the silmaril or your hand in marriage to the most valiant noble/lord that comes to our aid or something. Thats seems properly mythical https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8ghhDbtUpY DeadFatDuckFat fucked around with this message at 16:06 on Sep 7, 2020 |
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Sep 7, 2020 15:57
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we're gonna need a lot of coin flips to finish this thing. possibly more than one go-around
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Sep 7, 2020 21:34
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>
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Sep 8, 2020 02:06
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Unfortunately Pissbird does not have a seeing stone, so you send a rider north overnight ordering him to bring half his cavalry south to Bleeze. On the twilight of the third day, he arrives with his troops, slowly snaking their way up from behind through the hills to stay out of sight. Scouts report a huge Easterling army encamped to the southwest; many of their outriders have been killed, and Gorgust does not think they know your dispositions. You camp and blaze with Gorgust, Pissbird, and Rimguard. There is a bright half-moon overhead. "You, dwarf," you gesture with your pipe, "Eowyn told me about you. You fought for the Entwives in the mine battle." "I was exiled from Moria," he says, "and I got tired of hammering horse shoes, so I sold my sword instead. Nice weed by the way. Haven't smoked this well since I hung with Chad Bradford." A leg of venison sizzles over the fire. "Pissbird," you say, "I never said sorry for Wank's death. She seemed nice. I know what it is to lose a spouse." He shrugs. "She wasn't my wife. My family got swallowed up in front of the Black Gate. Only some of us got away, but we didn't know what to do after. I may have told you this before, but I'm too hosed up to remember. Some of us became mercenaries, some went to the mountains. Wank and I made a good team and would do any job for coin." "Well I'm sorry anyway." You all puff away for a while. Pissbird cuts a slice off the haunch of venison. "Gorgust," you ask, "you seem like the kind of freak that would know about weird things, no offense intended." "None taken." "I was reading a history the other night about giant rock-eating worms," you say as Jalopy nuzzles your neck. "Do you know anything about that?" "They are real, but mainly live north, in the mountains." At that moment a rider gallops up with a message. The twenty-thousand Easterlings to the south-west are in a forced night march toward the hills. You tap out your pipe and order Pissbird with the cavalry, and Gorgust with the infantry, to gather to the north and light many bright beacons and blow their war horns until their lungs explode. You go to the oliphants and their stable master, and have them go south behind the hills as quietly as possible. ------------------------Battle of Bleeze part one. Way too long, like msot fg loving sfun
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Sep 8, 2020 04:18
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I figured the coin with the dude was heads, and the oliphant, and the hand. The crown seemed like tails. The two trees I couldn't really decide, so I flipped to determine it. Heads. ---------------- Gorgust gathers round-bales of hay from the city and farms, and has them soaked in oil, while you sit on Jalopy on the highest hill, slamming wine and watching. The Easterlings break into two columns of ten-thousand, revealed by the dim light of pre-dawn. One is hurrying north, and the other charging the slopes of your hills. Rimguard rides up on his pony to ask for orders. "We can't do muth about the norsthern one," you say, "but we can make the thsuthern one pay. Send word to Pissbird to keep the fires going and blowing horns, then charge the horse hard at the ene...enemy left, while you asnd Gosgust roll the bales down. Have archers light them at the last second. I have plans for the oliphansts." The sun is not quite up and the hills echo with the sounds of horns. You blaze, nearly falling off your horse, and see dozens of fireballs suddenly erupt as they hurtle downhill like falling stars into the dark mass of men surging upward. A shadowy mass of your own follows the blazing bales. The two shadows crash together amidst the fire and the air echoes with horns, shouts, and screams. You watch with an odd detachment as you trot Jalopy down the hill to the oliphants, who are hidden in a vale. You give the four of them a puff on your pipe, which exhausts it, then draw your sword and call a charge. The beasts, with you before them, smash into a mass of men, horses and chariots as the sun breaks the horizon. They gently caress up absolutely everything, including some of your own troops. The remnants of Pissbird's cavalry, along with the oliphants, chase down and kill all the enemy survivors, except for a few hundred who surrender and are hired by Rimguard. "Gorgust bit it on the hillside," Pissbird says later, "lance right in the eye. That other column will be at the river in a week if they keep moving so fast. That Dale dude of yours is about to get buttfucked and our troops are beat to poo poo. I'm amazed so many survived. Your oliphants seem fine," he says with a scowl. "One of them stepped on my squire. Oh well." This concludes the Battle of Bleeze. gently caress im bad at math Your party: You, Pissbird, Rimguard, Diglor, Jengar Your personal command: 1,014 cavalry, 1,500 infantry, 4 oliphants North army under Diglor: 6,504 infantry, 1,707 cavalry, and 2,000 more cavalry in Bullshit Town. Easterlings north of the River Running: about 25,000 South of the River Running: 10,000 You can go any direction. >_
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Sep 9, 2020 05:21
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> lightning war
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Sep 10, 2020 04:03
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>SADDLE a mighty Dire Hobbit®™️© >RIDE steed into VICTORY
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Sep 10, 2020 04:07
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| # ? Apr 20, 2024 01:58 |
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At the begging of your troops you agree to let them rest half a day. Many of the infantry are unable to walk but still able to wield a bow, and these you place on the oliphants and horses whose riders were slain in the battle. The ones who can't fight you prop on the mules and donkeys in the baggage train to make it seem like it is guarded. You massively oversleep and awake to sore ribs from Pissbird kicking you. "It's almost noon, Empress, get the gently caress up. We are way behind. I remind you that this was all your loving idea and many have died for it. Get your rear end up." You sit up with a massive headache. "Am the Strewardess of Grondor and Queen you can't talk to me like that." Pissbird grabs you by the neck and slams your face into a horse trough until your nose is broken and one eye red, then dunks you in the water. "I'm taking my cavalry back to Rohan if you don't sober up. Rimgaurd is like to leave too. Here, blaze," he says as he sticks a pipe in your mouth. You puff a few times, then slam your fist into Pissbird's face, knocking him over on his rear end. A squire runs up squealing something and you nearly take his head off before he says that a rider has arrived from Edoras. Eldarion is leading a force of cavalry through the Gap of Rohan to the east after having smashed Dunland, and a group of abnormally large hobbits are with them. However they are two week's march away. You pull Pissbird to his feet and order him to go to Bullshit Town and get the other 2,000 cavalry and be prepared to strike westward. You slam a skin of wine, throw up some of it, and drink the rest, then blaze up and mount Jalopy. >Attack ASAP >Do a parley >Try to bribe the enemy >Call a full retreat >Call for help >Do something else >_
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Sep 10, 2020 09:54
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