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Sep 10, 2020 10:05
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 15:05 |
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Um, maybe we can sneak a few people into their camp and wreak havoc. Poison their supplies, falsify intelligence, set their tents on fire, let their horses loose etc... We should be able to strip some gear from the dead bodies from the battle in order to make disguises. Night raids should slow that army down. Maybe send a message to the northern army and tell them to start getting ready. Have them set traps facing the river, so they don't get too flanked if they have to do battle from the south. Wood stakes, caltrops, punji stick pits. DeadFatDuckFat fucked around with this message at 15:49 on Sep 10, 2020 |
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Sep 10, 2020 15:45
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> summon kraken
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Sep 10, 2020 19:25
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Cry Havoc posted:> summon kraken The Watcher is gone, it hosed off to go get high until the end of time, its done with this poo poo
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Sep 10, 2020 21:36
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is that patch in the sea of rhun a monster if so summon it
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Sep 10, 2020 22:20
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You force a march long into the night and the next day. Some of the wounded die, and you have them strapped to the oliphants to make them seem well-manned. Before the sun rises your force comes to a village, mostly abandoned by the frightened people, and rest. You approach one of the Easterlings in Rimgaurd's hire and show her a map. "What is this thing here in the Sea of Rhun?" She looks at it. "An island, m'lady. Vast. It could be a country itself. Swampy and full of fishing villages. My uncle was from there, but the lizard man killed him. I avenged him, though." "And you fight for my army now?" She shrugs. "The blood is repaid. And it was this or die." "And your name?" "Pellon, m'lady." "Blaze with me Pellon. Tell me about this island." After half an hour smoking around a fire you learn legends about swimming creatures in that Sea, which you ignore, and also a tale about a huge statue in the water, of which only a head and hand are visible, from ancient times when the whole area was covered by an ocean. "It wakes up sometimes," Pellon exhales, and walks about the shores to the sound of thunder, then goes back. Mothers tell it to children to scare them." "Take a horse and some weed and ride as fast as you can to the Sea. Hire a boat and find this thing, and bring it to me. gently caress, I don't have any coin. Whatever Rimgaurd is paying you, I'll triple it. Also, what is the seal of Fuckwit City?" Pellon laughs. "Are you insane? It's a legend and how would I even...well, fine." She mounts up and gallops off. You strap your armor to Jalopy and put on that of an Easterling. Leaving Rimgaurd in command, you race north through the day and another night, finally coming to the enemy camp. You trot your tired horse up to the sentries, who challenge you, but you present yourself as a courier from Rhun and show the sergeant a paper with his king's mark. He cannot read, so after some hesitation he lets you in and takes you to his captain's pavilion. There you meet a short squat woman in heavy armor who the sergeant announces to be one Luca. She takes the paper from you and reads. "King Kutluf wants me to dig in? What the gently caress, we have the bastards between the hammer and anvil, and the southernors are days away." You shrug. "I only bear the messages given me. Wanna burn trees?" "gently caress, yeah, we'll be here a while I guess." After Luca has passed out sometime near midnight, you slip away into the camp. You find the baggage train, with the guards partying. You drink with them for a bit until they are all asleep, then kill them. The sentry looking south who is still awake you choke from behind, then with soft gentle words let loose the mules, donkeys and horses, which trot off to the south and west. You use your palantir to get Diglor on the horn, and tell him to fortify his positions on the river bank. Then you quietly walk Japoly out of the camp, the denizens of whom are mostly sleeping, and ride away in the night. >Go southwest to Eldarion and Dire Hobbits >Go south back to Rimgaurd >Go east to Pissbird >Go north to the river >Do something else Inventory: Easterling armor, your own armor, sword, shield, pipe, weed fuuuuuuccccckkkkk this was way too drat long gently caress im high this took forever to write and thres >_
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Sep 12, 2020 06:44
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 i need to go get more beer
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Sep 14, 2020 03:30
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> pincer luca
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Sep 14, 2020 03:52
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>ENLARGE dire Hobbits into MEGAHOBBITS™️®©
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Sep 14, 2020 04:14
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You gallop southwest as fast as possible through the night while getting Diglor on the horn. Through the seeing stone you see his troops working at their fortifications. "Take all your cavalry and attack south ASAP. You will find only infantry, drunk and sleeping, or scattered, searching for their animals. Blow your horns before you charge." Diglor is bewildered but nods. "You want me to leave the infantry at the river?" "Yes. With a gap between them." "Very well." As you ride south you are challenged by outriders from Pissbird's cavalry. "Take two riders north and you will find stray horses and baggage," you shout when they recognize you, and pointing to their leader, "take a message to Pissbird the Uncharacteristically Neutral Orc, and Rimguard the Androgynous Dwarf, to attack direct north immediately. Have them put the oliphants on the flanks, leave all wounded behind that cannot fight." The riders salute and gallop off. Eldarion has no seeing stone, so you let Jalopy rest for a while as you blaze for a few hours in the morning, then keep galloping southwest. After two days of severe chafing and a lathering horse, you meet Eldarion's host. It is mostly the vanguard of his former army, a few thousand of his best knights. "Where is your great host?" You ask. "Most I let go home. Their service was up, after we defeated Dunland. By the way, their chief insisted they had nothing to do with King Eomer's death." You dismount and give Jalopy over to a squire. "We camp here until midnight. I am Stewardess and am in command, princeling. At midnight we ride north." "I am a Prince, you cannot command me. You aren't even older than me." "Is Prince an office?" you ask, as you tug your boots off. "No, but "Stewardess" is. Do you have any weed? I smoked all mine on the ride down. Ale would be good too." You, Eldarion and his captains smoke and drink as you convey the situation long into the night. You stumble over to the pavilions of the Dire Hobbits and see that they are sleeping. You take a long toke, hold it in for a full minute until your face turns red, then cast ENLARGE Dire Hobbits. The shirefolk grow to twice the size of humans, crushing their beds even as they continue to sleep. "Can you spare some?" a voice rumbles. You turn to see Chad Bradford standing over you. "Eowyn always liked a good blaze," he says wistfully. "At least, that one time....I didn't think you would actually show up to help the Ents, but here you are, so let's go gently caress 'em. I can see odd lights off to the north. Might be a thunderstorm, but I hear strange noises as well." You look in the direction he's pointing but see only night, as the two of you finish your bowls. You swallow the rest of your ale, grab a horn from a sleeping guard, and start blasting the camp awake. >You can go any direction >_
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Sep 14, 2020 08:23
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> go river
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Sep 14, 2020 23:49
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Your army charges northeast as fast as possible. After a few days, you encounter a group of a few hundred mercenaries who wave Rimguard's banner, and the flag of Dale too. They are huddled around the giant corpse of an oliphant. An elf, who seems to be their captain, hails you. "We fought a battle here four days ago," the elf says, "and got proper hosed. But the oliphants drove them, and we had the day. Diglor came down with his cavalry and finished 'em. Rimguard was slain." "Where is Pissbird the Uncharacteristically Neutral Orc? And what is happening at the river?" you ask. The elf shrugs. "We haven't seen him since the battle. Diglor went back north after the fight. We've been waiting here for payment, we were about to march away until you showed up. There is fighting up north, still. Got any weed?" "Yes, I do," you say as you slash off the top of his head. "Eldarion, distribute weed to these troops." Jalopy trots over the corpse of the feckless elf. A day and three pass as you gallop north to the river. The land passes from lush fields and Ent orchards to a trampled blackened shitheap of burned brush and dead bodies. Your company picks up some stragglers along the way, who tell you that Diglor is dead and Jengar commands the river, with a huge enemy force between. Twilight approaches as you break out your maps and pipe to take a lay of the land, when all the camp falls silent. You look around and see a mountain that was not there before. It flexes itself into the shape of a human and tosses a little ball at your feet, which proves to be the head of Pellon. You look at the head, and the giant statue, and back again, then light your pipe. "OK, you want something." The giant rock-dude scowls with the sound of stones cracking. "I want something? You want something, you feeble pink worm, otherwise you would not have sent that idiot to bother me." >Talk to statue >Kill statue >Flee >Do something else >_
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 04:18 on Sep 16, 2020 |
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Sep 16, 2020 04:14
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> cast meld into stone
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Sep 16, 2020 12:45
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Cry Havoc posted:> cast meld into stone you're gonna have to help me out with this one
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Sep 16, 2020 21:33
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just hijack stone man and crush enemies
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Sep 16, 2020 22:04
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You ask Eldarion for a piece of parchment, and draw Dickbutt on it. "Here, look at this," you say to stone-dude. He laughs. "An old trick. You'll have to get up earlier in the morning to fool me with that." You puff on your pipe, and approach the fifty-foot-tall statue. "Your boots are unlaced." "What?" he roars, as he bends down to look at his feet. "I don't even wear any boots." You smash him in the face with your shield, and hop onto his back, dangling between his shoulders as he thrashes about trying to grab you. You hold the paper over his head. "I will put this on you unless you do as I bid, rear end in a top hat." Stone-dude stands very still. "Mother FUCKER. Fine. What do you want?" "Go north to the river. Kill any Easterlings we find, and leave anyone else alone." You shout down to Eldarion to bring Jalopy and form up the knights along with the mercenaries and MEGA-Hobbits. You all start north. The palantir shows the other near the river, but no one seems to be holding it; it is sitting in the sand by the water. Nevertheless you can see many dead bodies and wrecked fences, and vague visions of fighting and fire all around. You arrive at dawn to a hellish scene. Pits and stakes are on fire as the three living oliphants run amok, killing anyone in their path. Two of them are pin-cushioned with arrows and spears. A small company of Dale soldiers are fighting melee with Easterlings, while another is dug in on the western bank, loosing fire arrows. Thousands of Easterlings are boiling around the river's edge, charging back and forth between the two, or trying to kill the oliphants. Many rafts and boats are burning on the riverfront. Stone-dude wordlessly starts stomping the enemy. A crazed oliphant charges him, but he picks it up by the throat and breaks its neck, then throws it into a charging group of cavalry, crushing them. Eldarion leads his knights and mercenaries on a charge straight at the enemy. The Easterlings break and rout as they are ridden down and slaughtered, with the Dale troops joining in as they see it. Pissbird emerges from the far bank with the remnants of his horse, riding down the sad fools that have managed to swim back across the river. The army of Rhun is destroyed. Later that afternoon, you sit on the stone-dude smoking your pipe. "Would you like a toke?" you ask. "I'm a statue, I can't breathe. Don't taunt me. Take that loving paper away and let me go." You climb down the statue and wave the parchment. "If you ever need a hand, I'll be in Emyn Arnyn." "Pah," he says. "I don't need anything from you. Leave me alone." Stone-dude goes back to the Sea of Rhun.
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Sep 17, 2020 08:11
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Epilogue Jengar you send back to Dale with the palantir. The rest of the troops you dismiss. As reward for your great victory, King Ellessar gives you power over all lands north and east of the White Mountains. After your marriage to Eldarion, heirship of Gondor and Arnor passes to your children. Your daughter Bemia becomes Princess of Dale, protector of the northern Silmaril, and Barahir Prince of Gondor. Ossa marries the prince of Dol Amroth, and Pissbird becomes a mercenary captain. One day in the summer he visits you in Emyn Arnen. The two of you blaze and have a pint. "Do you ever think about all the crazy poo poo we did?" he says. "Yes," you say with a blast of smoke. "I think about it. I miss it. And them." "Them?" "I miss Elboron most of all. I miss Eowyn, and Chad Bradford, though I didn't know him well, he's off south again. I miss Rimguard. I miss Ossa, even though she isn't dead. I miss my parents. I miss Butterbur, and Estrid. I even miss The Watcher, wherever it is. poo poo, I even kinda miss Duke Tuskfrog. I'll have to visit him sometime." "I'll admit it, I do miss Wank," Pissbird says. "We were a good team." The two of you sit on the tower under the blazing Silmaril of Emyn Arnen, looking at the sun go down over the river Anduin and the boats sailing by. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This concludes my LOTR-themed CYOA trilogy. Thanks to all who participated. I had a lot of fun and I hope you did too.
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Sep 17, 2020 08:56
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I'm just gonna assume Duke Tuskfrog went Bay of Pigs on his lonesome on that foolish Rhun expedition which ventured into Mordor
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Sep 17, 2020 21:21
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DeadFatDuckFat posted:I'm just gonna assume Duke Tuskfrog went Bay of Pigs on his lonesome on that foolish Rhun expedition which ventured into Mordor ahahahaha i completly forgot about that, oops 
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Sep 17, 2020 23:34
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awesome stuff many thanks for doing these it was great fun any different ones planned for the future?
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Sep 18, 2020 01:30
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5
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Sep 18, 2020 01:36
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 15:05 |
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Cry Havoc posted:awesome stuff many thanks for doing these it was great fun No, I don't have any more ideas. Not LOTR ones anyway
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Sep 18, 2020 01:59
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