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Also just skimming it doesn't look like anyone has mentioned the part where God's laying down all these punishments for the Isrealis as they wander the desert one of those times and he's like "And you have to bake your bread in ovens of human poo poo" and the guy's like "Whoah, whoah. That doesn't track dude, you can't ask me to do that". And then God calmed down and was like "Yeah okay, pack up and get"
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Jul 29, 2020 01:13
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Daikloktos posted:Also just skimming it doesn't look like anyone has mentioned the part where God's laying down all these punishments for the Isrealis as they wander the desert one of those times and he's like "And you have to bake your bread in ovens of human poo poo" and the guy's like "Whoah, whoah. That doesn't track dude, you can't ask me to do that". And then God calmed down and was like "Yeah okay, pack up and get" If I recall correctly he said "Ok that was too harsh you can use animal poo poo instead." which is just further proof of God's great mercy.
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Jul 29, 2020 01:15
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Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:If I recall correctly he said "Ok that was too harsh you can use animal poo poo instead." which is just further proof of God's great mercy.
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Jul 29, 2020 01:17
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Daikloktos posted:Well on your way to Page 2 and still missing the dildo verse. Do the needful E: whoops Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:Ezekiel 16:17
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Jul 29, 2020 01:17
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Those are pretty okay, OP but where's the nasty Psalms about big-tiddy ladies and such???
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Jul 29, 2020 01:19
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God always shows up at the worst drat times. "Oh woah hey two entire towns full of sodomites going buck wild c'mon now." "Oh you melted my chains down into WHAT and did WHAT with 'em? Lookin at me like you don't have a gold dick in your rear end right now. I know you do. I'm god." Yea, god? Well where were you at the whole time before when the cities were getting chock full of gently caress parties, and after you just dropped off your gold jewelry? Half that 'jewelry' was gold cups. Gold cups we don't need any more drat gold cups, you ever drink out of a gold chalice? It's hard that poo poo is HEAVY. These dildos are heavy, dog. I'm just saying don't drop by out of the blue and act all surprised when you don't come around for awhile and suddenly you Gandalf your happy rear end up into our Shire lookin surprised. Where's your whole "I'm omnipotent" crap now, O Lord? You gonna change me into a pillar of salt too? Maybe fill my pants with beetles or some poo poo? Wow.
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Jul 29, 2020 01:20
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Ezekial 16:17, OJB translation posted:Thou hast also taken thy fair jewels of My zahav and of My kesef, which I had given thee, and madest to thyself tzelamim of zakhar , and didst play the zonah with them EDIT: The King James renders it "whoredom" with "images of men"
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Jul 29, 2020 01:21
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Daikloktos posted:I've seen enough aging Hollywood screenwriter gags in my adult cartoons to not need a rosetta stone for "play the zonah with them". I can hear that delivery perfectly. God wills that this euphemism becomes the new standard. "Where did my hairbrush go?" "I didst play the zonah with it."
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Jul 29, 2020 01:23
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My brother's marriage was coming up and I was desperate to find the perfect wedding gift. He already had blenders to blend with, so no blenders to grind up mulch for the bathtub, he already had many sturdy coffee tables with many copies of Ladies' Home Journal and circular stains from his butthole puckering up on the varnish. I was out of ideas. My golden and silver dildos had plum sold out and it's no good gifting a pure titanium chastity cage with no dildo to stimulate the prostate behind that entombed cock. I looked to the Bible for guidance. quote:
God is great! He is good! My brother will not be disappointed. Lil Swamp Booger Baby fucked around with this message at 01:33 on Jul 29, 2020 |
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Jul 29, 2020 01:30
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Maybe if god had dropped a hint or two about germ theory, americans wouldnt be drowning in their own filth.
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Jul 29, 2020 01:40
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Waterbed Wendy posted:The man jawed cornpipe so well he made 1000 men cream up. I want to thank you for the phrase “jawing cornpipe”  Blessed be
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Jul 29, 2020 02:20
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tardwrangler posted:Maybe if god had dropped a hint or two about germ theory, americans wouldnt be drowning in their own filth. God's got more important knowledge to drop: quote:Lev 2:13 Give god, some mother loving SALT on his drat grain, already. It's plain as hell, put some drat seasoning on that poo poo. How many times does God have to come out of his cloud-dwelling in the house of Aaron and scream this poo poo at you?
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Jul 29, 2020 02:24
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tardwrangler posted:Maybe if god had dropped a hint or two about germ theory, americans wouldnt be drowning in their own filth. in His defense, He did say not to eat pork and shellfish in the desert. not that Americans in general listened to that part
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Jul 29, 2020 02:25
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Genuinely not sure if the passages in the OP are real or not
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Jul 29, 2020 02:25
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Ramrod Hotshot posted:Genuinely not sure if the passages in the OP are real or not I assure you that every single one is from the Holy Bible itself and not one among them is a fabrication.
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Jul 29, 2020 02:26
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God is horny Genesis 38:8-10 Then Judah said to Onan, “Sleep with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for your brother.” But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so the Lord put him to death also.
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Jul 29, 2020 02:35
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coke posted:God is horny A whole ewer of semen waiting to be drip fed into a freshly plump pumped punani, knocked over like a cloudy excessively exploited bong on my ex-girlfriend's floor, all gone to waste. Just spilled the semen on the ground, unbelievable.
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Jul 29, 2020 02:40
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Austin 3:16 posted:i just whipped your rear end
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Jul 29, 2020 02:41
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Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:A whole ewer of semen waiting to be drip fed into a freshly plump pumped punani, knocked over like a cloudy excessively exploited bong on my ex-girlfriend's floor, all gone to waste. Just spilled the semen on the ground, unbelievable. Catering my friend's wedding and I drop the wedding semen as I walk into the reception hall.
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Jul 29, 2020 02:54
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Literally A Person posted:Catering my friend's wedding and I drop the wedding semen as I walk into the reception hall. slide whistle noise as Uncle Horace slips and his walker goes flying into the cake
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Jul 29, 2020 03:29
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From the OP Judges 3:21 And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. This quote is about his intestines (and poop from slashed intestines) and belly fat coming out (he was very fat), not necessarily him making GBS threads himself. To contribute: 2 Kings 2:23-25 23 Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up by the way, young lads came out from the city and mocked him and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead!” 24 When he looked behind him and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two female bears came out of the woods and tore up forty-two lads of their number. 25 And he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria. Get hosed, kids. Cursing a prophet of the Lord is as dumb as cursing G-d. Edit: I see this was already posted so: Numbers 22:28 Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?” Talking donkeys? What is this, Shrek? The North Tower fucked around with this message at 18:26 on Jul 29, 2020 |
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Jul 29, 2020 17:15
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Don't worship false idols or make graven images of weird poo poo you see. But also sometimes I'm going to make animals berate you out loud. Thinking about talking or doing anything with or about the fact that you have sentient talking animals now? Don't you loving dare. That's blasphemy and just a little joke by me this shouldn't be hard to differentiate.
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Jul 29, 2020 17:33
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Big Beef City posted:Don't worship false idols or make graven images of weird poo poo you see. Kinda makes you think maybe this god guy, maybe he isn't such a good guy....
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Jul 29, 2020 17:37
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You shall not eat the rear end of your neighbors
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Jul 29, 2020 17:51
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Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:My brother's marriage was coming up and I was desperate to find the perfect wedding gift. He already had blenders to blend with, so no blenders to grind up mulch for the bathtub, he already had many sturdy coffee tables with many copies of Ladies' Home Journal and circular stains from his butthole puckering up on the varnish. I was out of ideas. My golden and silver dildos had plum sold out and it's no good gifting a pure titanium chastity cage with no dildo to stimulate the prostate behind that entombed cock. lmao I was gonna post about this. there's a story where David wants to marry the king's daughter but the king thinks he's an rear end in a top hat. so to prove himself he basically goes and commits a little impromptu genocide on this tribe of dudes the Israelites had a beef with or whatever, and to prove the deed he and his bros went from corpse to corpse cutting off their dicktips and stuffing them in a sack which they then drop in front of the king. then some poor court servant has to open up the sack of rotting dirty dicktips and attempt to count each individual one to make sure David met the quota of penis pieces, and meanwhile the king is biting back tears of rage like I can't not let this man gently caress my daughter
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Jul 29, 2020 17:58
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idk if this is universal but I hear people saying from time to time that they don't believe in all the Jesus stuff but the Bible is still full of cool stories. that is actually true. read it from cover to cover for fun, there's a lot of dry bullshit and impenetrably archaic language constructs but then suddenly you'll realize you're in the middle of a story about the Israelites smashing baby heads against trees because God got pissed at them for disobeying his commands by, like, lending money and not exsanguinating enough lambs on Passover, and to lead them back to the light God sends some enlightened psychopath who's like yo God's gonna kick all your asses unless you get your poo poo together and commit unspeakable acts of violence against this isolated tribe of dipshits who don't even know what an Israel is like, take the God out of that and just imagine a society where some dude shows up on the street saying that poo poo and a significant number of people are like well, gently caress, lemme go home and get my khopesh and meet you back here in 5. wild
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Jul 29, 2020 18:08
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Jim Long-un posted:idk if this is universal but I hear people saying from time to time that they don't believe in all the Jesus stuff but the Bible is still full of cool stories. that is actually true. read it from cover to cover for fun, there's a lot of dry bullshit and impenetrably archaic language constructs but then suddenly you'll realize you're in the middle of a story about the Israelites smashing baby heads against trees because God got pissed at them for disobeying his commands by, like, lending money and not exsanguinating enough lambs on Passover, and to lead them back to the light God sends some enlightened psychopath who's like yo God's gonna kick all your asses unless you get your poo poo together and commit unspeakable acts of violence against this isolated tribe of dipshits who don't even know what an Israel is This plus, I was reading some stuff a little while ago regarding the evolution of Abramaic religion and how Yahweh himself evolved out of this multifaceted concept of different gods that make their way around that region of the ancient world. And he's typically seen as either A main god, or the driving force behind a host of gods, or an amalgamation of powers that meet in a 'god-head' type of deal, ok (I'm being pretty general). So a big part of the whole "Number 1, FIRST THING ON THE DOCKET, rule #1. I am the lord your god" thing is pretty much just people deciding "You know what? Yea. There's other gods. WERE other gods. Not any more. Now it's just Yahweh. Ok, so we're pruning THAT off right now." Which, I'd always taken as a "Don't fall away from the belief in god, don't start up new cults" kind of message, given that God's y'know, always been God, right? But actually was more along the lines of "We're stopping the whole 'multiple gods thing' It's confusing and this guy won, we'll retcon this later". Which I very much dig. It makes total sense, I'd just never considered it specifically.
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Jul 29, 2020 18:22
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Colonel Cancer posted:You shall not eat the rear end of your neighbors Friend, you’re thinking of the Egyptian Book of the Dead Chapter 40: the chapter of driving back the Eater of the rear end, from the Papyrus of Ra and the Papyrus of Nu. Also, read the New Oxford Annotated Bible. A new edition came out about 2 years ago (3rd ed 2001, 4th ed 2010, 5th ed 2018), so bows a good time to get it. The North Tower fucked around with this message at 18:31 on Jul 29, 2020 |
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Jul 29, 2020 18:24
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Jesus is a total dick to this one lady at Luke 10:38-42 Jesus and the disciples show up at the house of two sisters, Martha and Mary. Martha goes to the kitchen and starts doing a ton of work to get food etc. ready, since Jesus just dropped by out of nowhere with like a dozen guys. Mary decides to hang out with Jesus in the other room. Martha pokes her head out of the kitchen and asks Mary for help, and specifically points out to Jesus that it's kind of bullshit that she has to do all the work while Mary chills out. Jesus tells Martha to get back in the kitchen and keeps hanging out with Mary. End scene. 
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Jul 29, 2020 18:31
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Bold Robot posted:Jesus is a total dick to this one lady at Luke 10:38-42 That's because Mary was a super hottie that Jesus was tagging. Also the next chapter has the classic - Jesus the Rockstar is on stage just GIVIN it to the people and a woman (probably up on a dude's shoulders and flashing The Lord but sources are unclear) shouts "Your Mom rocks, and so does her womb and titties!!" and Jesus points at her and hollers "Nah, Blessed are the titties that hear the WORD and KEEPS it baby!" Which everyone then cheers real loud at because hell yeah they're all gonna keep that word SO HARD right now. But later once they sober up they're like "So like...was he dissing his mom there too, or...?" But Jesus never really mentions it again so whatev.
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Jul 29, 2020 18:40
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The Ehud story is some Assassin’s Creed poo poo and I love it
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Jul 29, 2020 18:56
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Big Beef City posted:This plus, I was reading some stuff a little while ago regarding the evolution of Abramaic religion and how Yahweh himself evolved out of this multifaceted concept of different gods that make their way around that region of the ancient world. lol that owns
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Jul 29, 2020 20:08
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Ecclesiastes is an entire book about how Solomon, the Wisest Man, ate all the food and owned all the money and bought all the things and slayed all the pussy but was still kinda depressed about it afterwards. in the end he concludes the answer to the emptiness of life is to just be nice to God or you'll get owned.
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Jul 29, 2020 20:15
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I really like the placement of Ecclesiastes, tbh. You've just gone through Proverbs which is all about how if you live prudently and wisely you'll have a rich and wonderful life and prosper, and then you turn the page and it's like "Or you might just get hosed. C'est la vie."
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Jul 29, 2020 20:18
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obey God and you will have a blessed life, but actually life is completely meaningless and nothing you could possibly do will ever matter. whatever. obey God. - Solomon
Salacious Spy fucked around with this message at 21:12 on Jul 29, 2020 |
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Jul 29, 2020 21:00
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then after Ecclesiastes you get Song of Solomon which is mostly just hornyposting about a girl he likes. hornyposting so powerful it inspired countless generations thereafter
Salacious Spy fucked around with this message at 21:04 on Jul 29, 2020 |
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Jul 29, 2020 21:02
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"know god know peace no god no peace" -BARN BY HIGHWAY
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Jul 29, 2020 21:04
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Here you want a fun one?quote:Exodus 10:19 Ah, the LORD, blowing away the plague of locusts from Egypt. What a guy. Right? WRONG. lmao sucker. Let's check out what the Jewish midrash of the Exodus Rabbah says about the REAL story heeeere: quote:What is "not one locust remained"? Rabbi Yochanan said: since the Egyptians rejoiced when the locusts came. They said, "Let us gather and fill barrels up of them." The Holy One Blessed Be He said, "Evildoers! With the plague that I brought upon you, you rejoiced in it!" Immediately, "And YHVH shifted a very strong sea-wind". This is a western wind. "And He lifted the locusts..." What is "not one locust remained"? Even those that had been pickled in their pots and barrels flew away and went to them. See now, some varieties of Locusts are Kosher. Specifically the kind that you roast on roof tops with herbs, spices, and salt and eat like popcorn shrimp as a delicacy, OR as the case was here...pickle in big rear end barrels. And I'll tell you what the LORD doesn't think is funny, kiddo, is when he sends a big rear end plague of kosher locusts down on Egypt and you and the egyptians all decide it's just raining cocktail snacks and make a big rear end biblical plague party out of it. God finds that NOT funny and blows the land shrimp away, is what he does. Even the pickled ones he blows away. NOW how do you like THE LORD? HMM? Big Beef City fucked around with this message at 21:21 on Jul 29, 2020 |
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Jul 29, 2020 21:19
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Who can forget the infamous plague of bacon-wrapped dates that YHWH inflicted upon the Philistines
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Jul 29, 2020 21:25
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There are multiple uses of the phrase ‘uncircumcised hearts’ in the Pentateuch which is pretty funny. Also the Jesus turning water into wine thing is pretty great. It wasn’t to prove some point or used as a lesson. Mary just asks him to since the party they were at needed to continue. And it was good wine, apparently. There are comments about how most people have the good wine at first and switch to the bad wine as people get drunk, but the Jesus wine is great the entire time.
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Jul 29, 2020 21:40
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