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Adult Illiteracy
Oct 10, 2012


I struggle with discussing my feelings when I'm sober, so I might need some help here. I'm going to just start with some statements and try to make them into a cohesive whole:

- I feel like I should be happier, given that I consciously strive to reject milestones or achievements that are presented to me in an unconscious social expectation

- I have struggled with feelings of suicidality for most of my life. I tried several different medications and doctors, and eventually gave up that route. I'm not fully shutting the door on it, but it's hard to see even a counselor regularly on the cheap let alone make lasting insights or changes to my pattern. I had some really negative experiences with a doctor just kind of prescribing things one after another without telling me the salient points about how to get refills if he's out of town or that, say, fluoxetine causes increased short term suicidality and instability while you adapt - which I only learned after someone tried to mug me because I was crying in an alley. I am very hesitant to revisit medication or trust a psych.

Through trying to reach out to counseling I did some CBT, and gradually abusing less and fewer substances as my 20s died out helped make things more manageable overall, but it's still hard to predict when a dip's going to hit and sometimes it's hard to keep up with responsibilities. But it's sounding more and more logical, or at least my inner dialogue is arguing it a lot harder than it has in a long time. I'm not in crisis or anything but the intrusive thoughts are getting harder and more frequent.

- I was having a pretty uniquely bad year BEFORE the world ended and getting relief payments 'cause my poo poo part time job shut down has staved off my credit card debt for a couple months but I think all the stationary life is making me strange and lethargic

- I have many acquaintances and feel comfortable socially but have very few close friends. I am often told that I'm charming and large-hearted, but I am always so frustrated with the caliber of my friendships that I'm sure I'm self-sabotaging or missing some important step of bonding, possibly by being too guarded. Even writing this post is tough. My closest friendships have been either mutually toxic or they wound up abandoning me. My closest friends now are ex-girlfriends.

- There are two women who are in love with me right now and have been supportive of me all year, and completely reasonably one of them has asked for exclusivity. Normally I date with an eye towards becoming monogamous after a few months and maybe going for The Whole Thing, but since the world ended and I'm sleeping on couches I've been putting off any and all serious talks or plans for the future. I acknowledge that this is lovely, and I'm not going to defend it. Don't ask me why anybody would want to be with me, I am also mystified. I just want to extricate myself in a way that is the least painful for the most people, now. I'm not sure what to do - they're both fantastic and trying to consider pros/cons seems like a really gross litigation/way to reduce them, but also maybe I shouldn't be with anybody. But also maybe being with somebody would help me keep better patterns? Part of me just wants to leave town and abandon the entire situation and everyone I know. I don't have a lot of attachments, just a distant family The appeal to this is A) being tested, B) not feeling beholden to this life that is draining me or cleaning up this horrible mess I'm making and C) putting myself in a series of high risk environments without a financial or social safety net is probably a negotiated way of killing myself (or finding something to live for).

There have been many times, at least half a dozen, that I've undergone big lifestyle changes. Hit the gym, get a management job (I'm a restaurant slob, which doesn't help literally every problem I've written about here), take on creative projects, but ultimately either I'll have a low mood cycle that destabilizes my security or I lose interest or cease to find it rewarding. My pet theory is I might have ADHD or some other kind of executive issue but IANAD and also just might be a lazy sad sack who doesn't like working or fixing himself so I just quit when I'm still empty inside some months in.

I like to laugh, and to make people laugh. It's just been hard this year. And If I can't distract myself with that, and the substances all take far worse of a toll than they used to, then I'm just stuck in my head, and it feels like my desires cannot co-exist, and this stress pains me. So I'm posting for strangers on the internet.

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Adult Illiteracy
Oct 10, 2012


I strongly encourage questions to help parse this logorhea spaghetti

DickParasite
Dec 2, 2004



Slippery Tilde

I tried to break this up into chunks that are a bit easier to chew.

Adult Illiteracy posted:

I struggle with discussing my feelings when I'm sober, so I might need some help here. I'm going to just start with some statements and try to make them into a cohesive whole:

- I feel like I should be happier, given that I consciously strive to reject milestones or achievements that are presented to me in an unconscious social expectation

Can you expand what you mean by that?

Adult Illiteracy's possible social issues posted:

- I was having a pretty uniquely bad year BEFORE the world ended and getting relief payments 'cause my poo poo part time job shut down has staved off my credit card debt for a couple months but I think all the stationary life is making me strange and lethargic

- I have many acquaintances and feel comfortable socially but have very few close friends. I am often told that I'm charming and large-hearted, but I am always so frustrated with the caliber of my friendships that I'm sure I'm self-sabotaging or missing some important step of bonding, possibly by being too guarded. Even writing this post is tough. My closest friendships have been either mutually toxic or they wound up abandoning me. My closest friends now are ex-girlfriends.

A lot of millennials have discovered the difficulty of maintaining friendships as you age. Your closest friends evolve out of the people you see the most frequently. That was true when you were in Kindergarten, it's true now. It's more a habit than meshing personalities or whatever. It's also more difficult to make new friends in the pandemic era, but this will end eventually. When it does, you can join meetups or church or volunteer at animal shelters. For now you can try the digital equivalent - Discord chats and the like. If you're still working start a Zoom happy hour. It was a big hit at my work.

Adult Illiteracy's possible medical issues posted:

- I have struggled with feelings of suicidality for most of my life. I tried several different medications and doctors, and eventually gave up that route. I'm not fully shutting the door on it, but it's hard to see even a counselor regularly on the cheap let alone make lasting insights or changes to my pattern. I had some really negative experiences with a doctor just kind of prescribing things one after another without telling me the salient points about how to get refills if he's out of town or that, say, fluoxetine causes increased short term suicidality and instability while you adapt - which I only learned after someone tried to mug me because I was crying in an alley. I am very hesitant to revisit medication or trust a psych.

Through trying to reach out to counseling I did some CBT, and gradually abusing less and fewer substances as my 20s died out helped make things more manageable overall, but it's still hard to predict when a dip's going to hit and sometimes it's hard to keep up with responsibilities. But it's sounding more and more logical, or at least my inner dialogue is arguing it a lot harder than it has in a long time. I'm not in crisis or anything but the intrusive thoughts are getting harder and more frequent.

There have been many times, at least half a dozen, that I've undergone big lifestyle changes. Hit the gym, get a management job (I'm a restaurant slob, which doesn't help literally every problem I've written about here), take on creative projects, but ultimately either I'll have a low mood cycle that destabilizes my security or I lose interest or cease to find it rewarding. My pet theory is I might have ADHD or some other kind of executive issue but IANAD and also just might be a lazy sad sack who doesn't like working or fixing himself so I just quit when I'm still empty inside some months in.

You had a lovely doctor. Get a new one. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. The lovely doctor may have missed those executive functions symptoms you mention - it's worth revisiting that with a new one.

It also sounds like you made good progress in treating your depression and suicidality with therapy. Are you in a position to revisit that kind of treatment?

Are you getting regular exercise? It doesn't really matter what - even just walks outside (mask on of course) will improve your mental health if you're doing it regularly (multiple times/week).

Adult Illiteracy poo poo or get off the pot issues posted:

- There are two women who are in love with me right now and have been supportive of me all year, and completely reasonably one of them has asked for exclusivity. Normally I date with an eye towards becoming monogamous after a few months and maybe going for The Whole Thing, but since the world ended and I'm sleeping on couches I've been putting off any and all serious talks or plans for the future. I acknowledge that this is lovely, and I'm not going to defend it. Don't ask me why anybody would want to be with me, I am also mystified. I just want to extricate myself in a way that is the least painful for the most people, now. I'm not sure what to do - they're both fantastic and trying to consider pros/cons seems like a really gross litigation/way to reduce them, but also maybe I shouldn't be with anybody. But also maybe being with somebody would help me keep better patterns? Part of me just wants to leave town and abandon the entire situation and everyone I know. I don't have a lot of attachments, just a distant family The appeal to this is A) being tested, B) not feeling beholden to this life that is draining me or cleaning up this horrible mess I'm making and C) putting myself in a series of high risk environments without a financial or social safety net is probably a negotiated way of killing myself (or finding something to live for).

A pro/con list is a perfectly valid tool for deciding between two potential relationships. Ghosting the people who care about you is a poo poo thing to do, and you've correctly identified that you're low-key engaging in self-harm with that. Your "how could anyone ever like me" shtick is also your depression talking, which you probably know.

Adult Illiteracy posted:

I like to laugh, and to make people laugh. It's just been hard this year. And If I can't distract myself with that, and the substances all take far worse of a toll than they used to, then I'm just stuck in my head, and it feels like my desires cannot co-exist, and this stress pains me. So I'm posting for strangers on the internet.

You're a good person, the world's in difficult spot right now, you are not unfixable or unloveable. Things will get better.

Also this is the addict in me talking but my mental health is a hell of a lot better when I'm off all recreational drugs. Give abstinence a shot for a few weeks. If it doesn't work they'll be there when you get back.

Prism Mirror Lens
Oct 9, 2012

~*"The most intelligent and meaning-rich film he could think of was Shaun of the Dead, I don't think either brain is going to absorb anything you post."*~






Did you try learning to read OP? Hehe

Do the two women both know that you can’t pick between them? Personally, hearing (perhaps not in so many words) “I know you want to be exclusive, but I can’t really see anything about you that’s more remarkable than the other woman I’m banging” or “I made a pros and cons list of you and another lady, and you had the least cons! Congratulations!” would be enough to end the relationship, thereby solving your problem. I’m not all women but someone who doesn’t react that way either has a totally different idea of what a relationship is than me or has major self-esteem issues of their own and will turn out to be another mutually toxic friend. I’d venture to guess you’re not in love with either of them regardless of how they feel about you, since people outside of films don’t generally have trouble figuring out who they love or call women they’re in love with “fantastic” or make having better personal lifestyle patterns part of their reason to be with them.

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