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Leng posted:Bron had overindulgent parents I believe while Delin was sexually abused by his father and his father's cronies though Kambil was the one being secretly manipulated by his grandmother and went unhinged after Delin had her killed. I intended that to be Delin, I just utterly botched it because I was half awake.
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# ? Jan 13, 2021 05:06 |
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# ? Apr 26, 2024 15:01 |
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quote:CHAPTER TWENTY I can't believe it but at this point, I would rather have Kambil's chapter open with him eating brunch or something. I am a tea aficionado myself and there's way too many mentions of tea in these books. I think I'd have less of an issue with it if it was just one weird quirk for one of the hundreds of characters at this point, but everybody and their mother/father/sidekick/trainer/casual hookup/pet seems to be addicted to tea. And not in a way that reveals anything about the culture of the Empire either, in the same way that tea ceremonies in various Asian cultures have significance. quote:But the instructor still maintained the same sedate pace as always, possibly because of his size. Oshin’s greatest pleasure was a long, leisurely meal, and he indulged his pleasure as often as possible. Oh FFS, not AGAIN. quote:“Yes I would, because I’ve probably heard every one of them this morning,” Kambil countered with a sigh as he watched Oshin pour himself a cup of tea. “One version had everyone in the Weil household murdered in their beds, and another version had each body mutilated by perversions of all five of the aspects. The only point each of the stories agreed on was that Lady Elfini was definitely one of the dead. You don’t happen to know the actual details, do you?” I would like to hear more about what "perversions" of the five aspects are. But that would require Green to do some actual hard work so... quote:“It so happens I do, and that’s the reason I’m this late,” Oshin replied after taking a long swallow of his tea. “After hearing the wild tales being repeated by my household staff, I knew I’d never regain any semblance of balance until I learned the truth. And I do happen to know quite a large number of people, so I stopped at the Weil estate to see if any of them were there as investigators. It turned out I knew two of them, and they asked me to stay for a while to help calm the house’s staff.” The government is beyond incompetent at this point! quote:As briefly as possible, the facts seem to be this: Homin returned yesterday afternoon accompanied by Delin, packed a bag, then left again with Delin to stay at his place. Elfini was annoyed even before that, but when the two young men left she was absolutely livid. Her mood worsened the later in the day it got, and by the time Aston arrived home—later than expected—it wasn’t even safe to breathe in her vicinity. She stormed out of her ‘sanctum,’ ordered Aston to follow her, then stormed back in.” A recap of something that happened 3 chapters ago and that we've had endless gossip on since. WHY. quote:“And of course Lord Aston obeyed,” Kambil said wearily. “I was once introduced to the man, and couldn’t believe the difference between his public face and his private feelings. Very frankly I couldn’t bear to stay near him for long.” Does literally nobody in positions of power in this Empire remember Spirit magic is a thing? quote:“Yes, that sort of … mismatched emotions is very difficult for one of us to stand,” Oshin said, sending a brief flow of compassion. “Love is pain and self-hatred is acceptance, and both are pleasure. I’m very glad to say I don’t understand it, and hope I never do. At any rate Aston was a fool and went with Elfini willingly, and she apparently took out all her anger on him. The servants heard him screaming for a very long time, and then there was nothing but silence.” Even the antagonists are getting in on making comments on Green's themes of control! quote:“Except for whoever killed her,” Kambil pointed out. “One of the stories said a masked intruder broke in, and Lord Aston might have seen him. Is there any truth in that?” So much for Elfini's control. quote:He might have died as well if one of the staff hadn’t gotten up his nerve to knock on the door of the sanctum this morning. Elfini always took an early breakfast at precisely the same time every day, and when she didn’t appear the staff was worried.” Why? If I were one of those poor servants I would have rejoiced! quote:“And when the servant got no answer, he probably just walked right in,” Kambil said, leaning back in his chair again. “It would have been out of character for Lady Elfini to lock a door in her own house. I wonder if the servant went searching because he was worried about her, about his lord and master—or about his job.” It is a bad idea to ever be the first person to walk in. quote:“You seem rather cynical this morning, but I suppose disappointment does produce cynicism,” Oshin said, studying him with calm blue eyes. “And you are disappointed, but I’m afraid I don’t understand why. Would you care to explain?” That's both the stupidest explanation ever and also the stupidest recommendation ever. quote:“I suppose you’d like to get to the practice now. I’ll do my best, of course, but don’t expect anything extraordinary in the way of results—at least as far as a good performance is concerned.” Stop. Making. Your. Characters. Talk. Like. This. It's. So. Dumb. quote:“It’s not really anything like that,” Kambil said, letting Oshin’s amusement touch him. “It’s just that I noticed right from the first how really strong and capable you are with Spirit magic. That led me to wonder why you’re instructing me and the others, rather than being part of a group yourself. Or does that come under the heading of too personal and/or embarrassing?” Infodump incoming! Not even any pretense at disguising it. quote:Not everyone is able to become a member of a Blending, and it has nothing to do with strength. There are other factors involved, and one of the most rigid is age. Haven’t you noticed that you and the other members of your group are approximately the same age?” Wow. This magic system discriminates against old people too. quote:“I think my worry-compartment is too full at the moment to add anything else,” Kambil told him ruefully. “Tomorrow or the next day will probably be another story, but right now I intend to take your advice. I’m going to put everything unpleasant out of my mind, and enjoy my day off. Do you expect to turn the rest of your students loose as well?” Green's writing is full of poor transitions like this. She doesn't seem to know how to end a chapter or a scene satisfactorily. quote:But there were things he did have to make himself forget, so he went back into the house and directly to his apartment. His life could very well depend on how good a job he did, since the results would affect the performance of his talent. And considering the other members of the group, he’d better do a very good job indeed… Dun dun dun! What's going on with Kambil? This is the first cliffhanger I'm inclined to forgive, mainly because of the hints that Spirit magic talents can magically lobotomize themselves or something. This is way more interesting than anything else that happened in this chapter so far. Spoilers for Book 5 I think Kambil's the real murderer, he tried to get Delin to go through with it but it didn't work which is like the only genuine mystery Green has achieved at all in this entire series. quote:* * * Is it that anyone with Earth magic can tell if people are ok, or just something a High talent in Earth magic can do? Why do physicians exist at all then? quote:Delin walked to a chair and sat, the smile on his face wide and finally out in the open. Homin should have thanked him for the relief he’d felt, since it had been his efforts which had caused it. He’d left the house last night after everyone was asleep, returned to the Weil estate, and then had done what he’d had to. His group was now safe, and before Homin had left, the pudgy man had whispered that he meant to practice for the rest of the day—as soon as all the investigators and guardsmen were gone. He had to be at home to make sure his father was properly cared for, but aside from that he would spend his time practicing. Lucky Delin, to escape an endless slumber party with Homin. What passes for a good slumber party in this universe? More tea drinking? quote:Which was just what Delin wanted him to do. Their progress as a group was the most important thing right now, so nothing could be allowed to stand in their way. There was just one regret… Dun dun dun dun! Book 5 spoilers he doesn't remember because Kambil couldn't plant the fake memory of Delin killing Elfini. quote:It was necessary to take a deep breath to calm himself, and much of the frustration remained even afterward. He really wanted to remember the most glorious moment of his life, and maybe after some time had passed he’d be able to. In the meanwhile he’d removed every trace of blood from his clothing, and had buried the knife on the Weil estate in a place only he would be able to return to. kind of idiot wants to use the same murder weapon twice? I know, I know, a psychopathic one. Also more proof of Earth magic being way overpowered - any serious criminal organization would want an Earth magic talent to go around covering up their tracks. Must suck being investigators in the Blendingverse. I'm not normally one for police procedurals (the most I've ever watched is some episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine) but this would be way interesting. Someone good at detective stories write a replacement fanfic from the perspective of the investigators trying to figure out who murdered Elfini! Summary: Day 7 Bron's trainer passes on the news of Elfini's murder before Bron squeaks through on the first of the first level masteries, after an entire childhood's worth of pattern training and a lower bar for passing. Selendi and her trainer also trade gossip about Elfini's murder before she achieves two of her first level masteries at a significantly lower bar for passing. Kambil's trainer brings news of the actual facts and excuses Kambil from practice for the day. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 27 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 16 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 10 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 16 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen Vallant: Mirra Agran PLOTHOLES: 44 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 29 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 7 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 6 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 33 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 19 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 30 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 20 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 5 BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Alright, so we're into Rewrite Book 2 territory (with Rewrite Book 1 having been all about getting good at the magic and qualifying as a High practitioner). As I've said before, the way I view the second book (in what should be a trilogy) is it'd be mostly political intrigue so we can learn about all of the various factions, their motivations and how everyone's angling to have their candidate(s) end up on the Fivefold Throne. A murder mystery is a pretty good subplot to include, so I'm okay with that. Green's problem is twofold: 1) she's made the murder victim Elfini, a character whose only action of note was stopping Homin from practicing. Big whoop. Like murder is bad, but this murder doesn't really have any meaningful impact on the overall storyline so Green then had to write in a bunch of convoluted reasons (that the reader is not aware of at the time) to make it matter (and these reasons are later revealed in big expository dumps in dialogue); and 2) the murder happens way too early. If we're using the three act structure to plot this, I think I'd make most of Act I political manoeuvring between factions (against a backdrop of everyone learning how to Blend and practicing as a Blending), culminating in a key member of an ascendant faction getting murdered. Act II becomes focused on solving the murder mystery (which faction did it?) against the backdrop of early rounds in the competition, with the murderer revealed at the break into III. Act III would have to be the final rounds of the competition and end with the winners being Seated.
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# ? Jan 14, 2021 05:49 |
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quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE A recap in case you've forgotten what happened 5 irrelevant chapters ago: the protagonists are in Tamrissa's back yard doing a bad job of pretending to celebrate the fact they all attained their first level masteries and are using the pretend party as a cover for secretly talking amongst themselves about the conspiracy. They have just broken up their huddle to return to party mode, and party mode apparently consists of individual people standing by themselves drinking tea and alcohol, when a servant announces Yet Another Random Encounter. quote:By rights I should have been the one to ask, since it was still my house; but I’d somehow gotten the idea that if I didn’t bring myself to the world’s attention by speaking, the visitor would turn out to be someone other than my father. And to make matters even worse, Vallant Ro had seemed about to approach me again. I wasn’t quite up to the point where I would rather face my father than speak to the tall, blond ex-sea captain, but I had the sinking feeling that that point was not very far away. Yep, she's gonna get there by the end of this chapter. quote:“The caller at the door and his companions have asked for Dom Coll,” the servant answered, looking around at the men. It became clear then that he didn’t know which of them Lorand was, and that’s why he’d made a general announcement. He was one of the extra servants put on by the testing authority to keep the residence running smoothly, and I didn’t know his name either. That's our main female protagonist. Everyone thinks she's so altruistic but she really isn't. quote:“You wouldn’t mind?” he asked at once, partial relief filling his dark and pretty eyes. “I know Hat needs my help, but I can’t give it to him yet—and I really hate having to admit it.” Hahaha Lorand, you're so deluded. quote:“Somehow I doubt that, but I don’t know the man as well as you do,” I granted him, then gestured toward the house. “Well, shall we go to see if it really is him?” Green's writing is littered with little details like this that just add words without revealing character or world building or advancing plot. WHY. quote:Lorand was a big man and obviously very capable, but in this instance I had the definite feeling that he needed protection as well as support. The idea of me protecting a man his size was laughable, but somehow that laughter felt extremely good. The big strong man needing protection from a small physically weak woman–and her being astounded by this fact–is going to be a recurring motif throughout these books. quote:The servant who had announced the “callers” led the way back through the house to the front door, which had been closed again with the visitors still on the outside. That made me wonder about what they must be like, but I didn’t have to wonder long. The servant opened the door to reveal Lorand’s friend Hat—looking more disreputable than the first time—flanked by two husky men who simply looked dangerous. Extortion! You're not doing best friendship right if you don't do a little extortion every now and then. quote:“That’s your idea of the truth?” I asked in outrage as Lorand just stared at the man open-mouthed. “At least your claims are more logical this time, but they’re still just as ridiculous. When are you going to grow up enough to admit that you didn’t delay taking the test, you failed it? And even if they gave people second chances normally, you’d still be too late. Everyone able to qualify for the competitions has already done so, and after this week’s end no one will even be allowed to try. All the testing is over for the year, and won’t start again until after the competitions.” It's weird that everyone fixates so much on Fire being a deadly aspect. Every single elemental aspect can be deadly (and painful in its deadliness) so this is weird. Lorand would have been better off leaving the statement at the fact that they're both Highs. quote:“What difference does it make what her aspect is?” he demanded. “She isn’t allowed to do anything to me, so I won’t let her get away with lying. And I won’t let you get away with it either. You said you’d give me money, so I want those three gold dins now.” Green's used "codding" twice in this page now and that second instance of it doesn't mean what she thinks it does. quote:With that he turned and pushed between the two big men, then stalked away up the drive. He ignored the hired carriage standing near the steps, and the two men he’d been with watched him go with frowns on their faces. Then they turned back to Lorand, and Meerk, the one who’d done the previous talking, nodded. So much for them being intimidated by the fact that both Lorand and Tamrissa are High practitioners. This seems really dumb when they were scared a second ago. quote:The two men stopped staring at Lorand darkly and turned to leave, heading for the waiting carriage. The way they’d acted had disturbed me, but Lorand’s behavior disturbed me more. And suddenly, all his incentives about winning to have enough gold to convince Jovvi to be with him are forgotten. quote:“Lorand, what world are you living in?” I couldn’t help asking, well beyond exasperation. “You claim you don’t believe in abandoning a friend in trouble, but you’re doing all this for someone who brought you trouble, then walked away leaving you to cope with it alone. And no matter what those two said, they won’t kill the idiot. At worst they’ll beat him up and then force him to take a job, so what you’re really saving him from is having to pay for his stupidity with a little pain and a lot of sweat. If you don’t believe that pain teaches a very thorough lesson about what not to do again, just ask me about it.” This would not be a Tamrissa chapter without some blatant moralizing. quote:“I know you’re right, Tamrissa, but there’s nothing I can do to change matters,” he said with a sigh as he patted my hand. “Hat isn’t behaving the way a friend should, but that doesn’t give me the right to be just as uncaring. I have to help him if I can, but at this point it’s more for my own benefit than his. I don’t want to forget how a friend is supposed to behave.” This is pretty flimsy reasoning. quote:“I think I understand now why there are so many nasty people in this world,” I replied with my own sigh. “Being nice lets too many people take advantage of you. Well, all I can do at this point is say that if I win any gold in the preliminary competitions, I’ll help you pay them off.” Does anyone buy this friendship? quote:We discussed that point as we walked outside, but Lorand’s laughter wasn’t fooling me. He was still upset about what had happened, and there was nothing I could do to make things better for him. I was beginning to learn that it was possible to give people pain in ways that weren’t physical, but had no idea how to cope with it. People tend to defend themselves from physical pain, but with the emotional kind… Reminder that Tamrissa is eighteen years old and has been emotionally abused by her parents since childhood. This is a weird thing to have in her narration. quote:The refreshment table held Lorand’s brandy glass and my teacup, so we each retrieved our possessions before Lorand went off to tell Jovvi about what had happened. Who is holding what beverage is of vital importance to the plot because...oh wait it's not! quote:I stood and sipped my cooled tea, simply glad it was over, then abruptly discovered that that conclusion was extremely premature. Vallant Ro was once again heading straight for me, and this time there was no possibility of escape. Because attempting to avoid talking to someone by pouring more tea is not effective. What would be effective is retiring for the night. Or going to the bathroom. Or anywhere that he can't follow you in a socially acceptable manner. Oh wait, the last time you ran into the library, he barged in anyway. Welp. quote:“Tamrissa, I’d like to speak to you for another moment,” he said from behind me while I spooned sugar into my tea. “I promise not to intrude long, but something has been disturbin’ me and I’d like to discuss it with you.” Just one time sleeping with Rion and suddenly all Tamrissa can do when confronted by her on/off crush is to undress him with her mind. quote:“I just said I’ve been doin’ some thinkin’ about what you said,” he obliged, faint puzzlement in those beautiful blue eyes. “You told me about all those men you’re involved with and so didn’t want to lead me on, but I’m afraid it’s too late. You already have led me on, and now I find myself feelin’ … hurt.” And this is where you should have left things Vallant. Really. quote:He looked so forlorn as he began to turn away that I simply couldn’t bear it. I finally had to admit that he’d never actually done anything to harm me, but circumstance had had me treating him as shabbily as Hat was treating Lorand. I’d been hurt too often myself to casually do the same to someone else who was innocent, so I had to make whatever amends were possible. You are an rear end for going through with this. quote:“You’re not,” I assured him as forcefully as I could, looking up into those incredible eyes. “I want to do this for you, I really do! Just tell me what it is, and I’ll do it.” Obligatory Vallant. quote:He grinned at the way I began to sputter, caused by trying to say seven things at once. I hated him for tricking me like that, but I realized with a sinking feeling that he was right. I had insisted on agreeing to terms I didn’t yet know, and he had offered to tell me first. That meant I was trapped unless I found it possible to go back on my word, something I’d never been able to do. Not being able to trust the word of those around me, I’d sworn to myself that my word would always be good… Someone really needs to explain the concept of informed consent to Tamrissa. The metaphor about tea is a good one, considering how much she drinks it. quote:“What a relief it is to get this problem out of the way,” the monster said, trying to sound innocent despite his continuing grin. “The worry was interferin’ with my sleep, but I’ll certainly get my rest tonight. And tomorrow night, so that I don’t disappoint you on our date.” How does a romance/erotica author not know how to write arousal properly? quote:And then he made a strangled sound and turned away to spit the mouthful of tea into the grass. I couldn’t imagine what was wrong—until I remembered that I’d lost count of the number of teaspoons of sugar I’d put into the cup. I’d been distracted by his presence, which made the entire episode one of poetic justice. Should I give some credit to Green for actually trying to tie tea drinking into a character plot at last? quote:And with that I hurried back to the house, needing to be alone in my bedchamber. I hated Vallant Ro for tricking me like that—but now could think of nothing but the approach of week’s end night… For someone who constantly preaches on her soapbox about vital service that courtesans provide to society, I don't understand why Green has to continue with the whole nonconsensual/reluctance angle to this romance when that kink is mainly rooted in the whole Madonna/whore complex. Summary: Day 7 Bron's trainer passes on the news of Elfini's murder before Bron squeaks through on the first of the first level masteries, after an entire childhood's worth of pattern training and a lower bar for passing. Selendi and her trainer also trade gossip about Elfini's murder before she achieves two of her first level masteries at a significantly lower bar for passing. Kambil's trainer brings news of the actual facts and excuses Kambil from practice for the day. Hat shows up with two thugs with threats to pay Hat's gambling debts. Vallant tricks Tamrissa into agreeing to sleep with him and is an rear end about it. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 27 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 16 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 10 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 17 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, group of mystery thugs who hold Hat's gambling debts Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen Vallant: Mirra Agran PLOTHOLES: 44 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 29 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 7 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 6 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 34 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 19 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 33 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 21 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 5 BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: This whole chapter should have been part of the Chapters 11-15 sequence. And I'm not convinced that sequence is worthwhile at all. I don't mind the idea of an unknown underdog wildcard faction suddenly becoming a power in the political games being played to fix the results of the next competitions, but I feel like it needs to be earned and we haven't seen anything like that yet. The weird thing that I'm coming to realize is that because of the competitions element, the story has more in common with political drama than a typical "quell the rebellion" or "overthrow the evil monarch" type of thing. In fact given recent US events, I'd go so far to say there's a pretty good real life analogy going on right now.
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# ? Jan 15, 2021 01:52 |
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quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO Are you kidding me??? You were ready to plot Lorand's murder because Jovvi didn't want to sleep with you and Tamrissa featured about as prominently in your mind during that whole thing. quote:And afterward he’d been extremely glad he had. As despicable as his own personal situation was, Tamrissa’s was clearly a good deal worse. He’d almost felt her waiting for him to give her pain, and only after they parted had she seemed willing to believe there would, in truth, be none. She was such a harmless, soft, little thing; how any man could bring anguish to her was completely beyond him. This woman is a High in Fire magic. She is very capable of inflicting loads of harm. quote:Rion shifted on the carriage seat, taking the opportunity to glance at Vallant Ro. Ro seemed distracted this morning, but not broodingly so. It seemed more a matter of … daydreaming, with an occasional sigh thrown in. Last night he’d obviously had words with Tamrissa, but it hadn’t been anguish that he’d given her. Furious anger was what it had looked like to Rion, and although he hadn’t been able to hear what was said, he’d seen the pained look on Ro after Tamrissa had stormed off. If Vallant would just stop being an rear end for one second... quote:After Tamrissa had left, Jovvi had casually spoken to the rest of them about not being too quick to follow her example. They had to establish a picture of people who enjoyed spending time in each other’s company, or any future meetings and discussions they held would be noticed by the servants who were reporting to the testing authority. Even Holter had agreed to the request, so they’d stood around having unimportant conversations—until one of the regular house servants had approached Rion. These people are the worst. quote:“Excuse the intrusion, Dom Mardimil, but there’s a young lady at the servants’ entrance asking to see you,” the man had murmured. “If you’d care to follow me I’ll take you to her, otherwise I’ll send her on her way.” Book 5 spoilers Sight magic is real handy! quote:She pressed a folded envelope into his hands, but Rion couldn’t take his eyes from her in order to examine it. She wore a dark gray hooded cloak, the hood framing her dark-haired loveliness. Beneath the cloak he was able to glimpse a red gown trimmed in gold, but one that seemed … scantier than what Tamrissa and Jovvi wore. The gown emphasized Naran’s charms, and Rion would have enjoyed seeing more of it. Book 5 spoilers I've always re-read this as Naran lying. It's pretty unclear whether or not sex work is Naran's main gig, because later on she tells Rion she only went to that tavern that night to meet him (thanks Sight magic). quote:That last was said with such shy delight that Rion yearned to take her in his arms, but a breath later she had disappeared into the night. His first thought was to follow and at least see her to her carriage, but then he remembered the men Mother’s agent had watching him. If they had the least idea that he was involved with Naran, they would quickly report the fact. Then Mother would have Naran thrown out of Gan Garee—or maybe even worse. More homicidal urges? quote:Rather than return to the garden, Rion first found the excellent servant who had been so marvelously discreet, privately tipped the man one of the four silver dins he’d earned that day, Rion is officially the most generous one. At this point he knows he's cut off from his fortune so he just gave this guy 25% of his net worth for being nice to Naran. quote:and then he returned to his bedchamber. He wanted to look at the contents of the envelope he’d been given, but without an audience. He tore the envelope open and pulled out two sheets of paper. Hold on to this thought until we get to the sequel trilogy. quote:“Rion, this is where you get out,” Lorand said, bringing him back to reality with a jerk. He hadn’t even noticed that the coach had stopped, so deeply into his thoughts had he been. He nodded and got out of the coach, then walked through the resin wall to find a reception committee of one. Padril jumped up from a nearby table, and it was clear that the so-called Adept had been waiting for him. That's a loaded and very inappropriate insult these days. That aside, Rion also has the best put downs. quote:Padril apparently had no reply to that, but he continued to hover for a moment as the tea was put in front of Rion. When Rion gave all his attention to the tea and none to the hovering Adept, Padril at last accepted the fact that he’d been dismissed. He walked away with dragging steps, and Rion finally had the privacy that had been mentioned earlier. Dun dun dun! Spoilers for the next couple of chapters where one of the cleverer protagonists figure it out the tea offered by the Adept is drugged. quote:But the question held very little true interest for him, as Rion was in the process of shaping his determination into a vehicle for success. Yesterday he’d earned enough silver to pay for his keep, and today he would earn enough to take Naran to the best dining parlor in the city for dinner. He very much wanted to give her the world, but would have to begin with very small parts of it. This is actually nice characterization. quote:This time he deliberately kept himself from falling too deeply into his thoughts, and considered instead the test which was before him. Rather than keep his subjects supplied with air, this time Rion would have to take their air away. The biggest benefit to that arrangement was the fact that Padril would need to declare the masteries a good deal more quickly than he had yesterday, otherwise they would run out of subjects rather quickly. That thought made him chuckle as he finished his tea, then he rose to his feet and turned to gesture to Padril. The ethics involved in this is pretty bad. If it's just taking air away, why do live subjects need to be used at all? What happens if someone does die accidentally? Why can't they just have Rion take a predetermined volume of air away from one specific area? I have so many questions. quote:The Adept still appeared to be hovering even though he’d seated himself, and at Rion’s summons he lurched to his feet and lumbered over. The man really was much too overweight for the low position he held in life, and was also rather wasteful. The tea on his table looked as untouched as it had been on Rion’s arrival, but it was some distance away so Rion might have been mistaken. It was also completely unimportant, so Rion put it from his mind as Padril reached him. That's some real classist stuff here. Only rich people can be obese! And why the constant obsession with tea, even when the POV character points out it's completely unimportant? quote:“I’m ready to begin,” he announced unnecessarily. “You may lead the way to the testing building.” Despite quote:Both men led the way to the second small practice building, and when Rion walked in he noticed the difference from the first building at once. None of the practice rooms was capable of being sealed, and some even had windows. Considering the fact that applicants were the ones who were expected to do the sealing, that was perfectly understandable. Puredan is lovely, isn't it? quote:“I believe we’re ready to begin,” Padril said as he closed the door to the small room, now, for some reason, sounding determined. “Please start any time you wish.” quote:Normally Rion would have moved away from the thing in disgust, but now… In Green's writing, advances in magical powers just happen randomly without any foreshadowing or explanation. quote:“Nicely done, sir,” Padril said, for some reason now sounding almost as greasily insulting as he had to begin with. “It took longer than I’d expected for you to get started, but it was certainly done well. You must hold them like that for a full minute, and when you release them I’ll order them to their second positions.” These people have to be experiencing brain damage from all of this near suffocation. quote:Padril let the subjects return to breathing freely for a while, and then he ordered them to split into two groups of three. They moved immediately into the commanded arrangement, and it was time to do the same thing to them again. Rion glanced at the spider, delighted that it was still there with him, then he formed two spheres from which he took the air. What kind of backwards type of testing is this when the FIRST level masteries are technically harder than the second?! quote:When the minute was up Rion released the subjects, and again Padril waited before arranging them in three groups of two. Rion waited even longer to give the pallor on their emotionless faces a chance to fade a bit more, and then he took their air for the third time. The small spider seemed to be commiserating with his deep disturbance, exactly the kind of support he needed right now. quote:“We’ll give the subjects an extra pair of minutes to recover this time,” Padril said when Rion released them at the end of the required delay. “Being without air for even so short a time weakens the subjects, and we wouldn’t want any of them to die, would we? I hope you don’t mind waiting, sir.” There you go. The Adepts are under orders to link and stop anybody else from qualifying. Which makes no sense really. Don't they need extra bodies for Book 4 spoilers being shipped off to those Astindan armies? Also these guys were already drugged and given buried commands so this part of the conspiracy is redundant. I think Green just wanted a way of trying to create tension because if this didn't happen there would be none since her protagonists would just breeze through the masteries because they were just born awesome. quote:But now they considered themselves entirely safe, because they’d seen him hesitate over taking away the breath of life from the subjects. Many people weren’t able to do it at all, Padril had told him yesterday when he’d first arrived, and the two Adepts now considered him almost as helpless as one of that sort. They would point to his many hesitations, tell him his failure was due to a hidden fear of harming the subjects, something he could be expected to believe. It would also be expected to keep him from trying for the mastery again, but trying a second time would not be necessary. In an alternate universe, Rion just turned into a vegetable here. quote:Rather than reach to the subjects again, Rion reached first toward Padril and Arnot. The men were too deeply immersed in their tampering to notice at first, but they certainly noticed when Rion surrounded them with their own sphere, then took away their air. After that he surrounded the six subjects just the way he was supposed to, and as they began to choke for the fourth time, Rion spoke without turning. If you didn't already notice that something fishy is going on with the spider, you should have noticed by now! That spider is using Spirit magic! quote:The bright morning sunshine came as a surprise when Rion stepped outside, since he felt as if he’d spent hours if not the entire day in the practice building. He also felt as if he hadn’t eaten in almost that long, so he rang a bell for service before sitting at his table. The servant who quickly appeared took his order for food as well as fresh tea, and then Rion was able to lean back for a while. I think this might be the chapter with the highest number of mentions of tea so far. quote:And ask himself why the testing authority would try to hamper his efforts to move onward. That theory Holter had come up with, about the members of their residence having been arranged into a potential Blending; if the authority really did want them to compete as a Blending, why make such a strong effort to disqualify one of them? Rion's theory isn't bad but I think it's incomplete. If the nobles really have that much data on how much strength, etc is required, then they should have been using link groups of more than 2 people to weed out the truly strong. Otherwise they're just going to have repeats of these situations. We'll also get some more information on the politics of the situation in the next book. quote:“Excuse me, sir,” a voice interrupted his thoughts, and he looked up to see a trembling Padril standing there clutching something. “I have your eight silver dins and your master’s bracelet.” Like the identification tags, we're going to get this explanation five times. quote:“Yes, sir,” Padril responded at once, still looking gray from his ordeal. He handed over the dins and watched while the servant put the food and drink in front of Rion, but only glanced at one of the empty chairs at the table. He hadn’t been invited to sit, and obviously knew better than to try it anyway. Rion's gone straight from "I can't take air away from people" to "I would have killed those two idiots". The dramatic swings here are incredible. And I don't think Green sees anything wrong with it, because "self defence". quote:Rion picked up his sandwich and began to eat it, but his thoughts were on things other than food. He would have to be sure to discuss his suspicions with the others, to warn them that everything might not be as open and aboveboard as some of them believed. And then he’d be able to plan his visit to Naran, which he now had the silver to pay for. Naran … one day soon he would have gold to spend on her, and no one would be allowed to stand in his way, no one… Too late dude. They're all going through the same experience right now. Which we will need to read about in the next four chapters. Summary: Day 7 Rion achieves his second level mastery by nearly suffocating people to death, including his two Adepts. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 32 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 16 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 10 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 19 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, group of mystery thugs who hold Hat's gambling debts Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen Vallant: Mirra Agran PLOTHOLES: 44 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 30 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 7 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 6 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 35 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 19 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 35 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 21 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 5 BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Green's masteries are boring so I made them more interesting in my rewrite. Sanderson's been writing a treatment for a Mistborn film and talking about what he would do differently to make the story fit into the length of a feature film. One of the ideas was to have Kelsier take Vin on missions straight away and learn her powers as they go. In the book, there's a much slower progression and she doesn't go with him on a mission until she's done some other basics. EDIT: wow I've messed up some of the counters because I've forgot to increment them Leng fucked around with this message at 14:01 on Jan 28, 2021 |
# ? Jan 19, 2021 04:11 |
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Here's a relevant hint on writing effective romance that came up in the fiction writing advice thread:Pththya-lyi posted:The tricky thing about a romance arc is that it's two character arcs in one! Or, seen another way, the relationship is a character in the story that has its own arc. The arc is about the two characters growing into their best selves because of their relationship with each other. Each character has a flaw or wound that makes them incomplete by themselves, and only by embracing each other whole-heartedly can they grow past their wounds. The meat of the arc is the internal and external obstacles that keep them from doing just that. Throughout the arc, you show them bonding with each other over their interests, backgrounds, traits, and/or goals, or perhaps through some light competition. Their emotional - and most likely physical - intimacy builds to a honeymoon phase, which is shattered by a tragic separation caused by internal or external problems. The two wallow in their separate miseries, realize they need each other, then make a choice to reunite. Any disagreements they had are resolved, and the couple live happily ever after. (Or you can end it tragically if it makes sense for your story, but we need more gay HEAs so I really hope you don't.) I've read all 8 books and I gotta say I'm stumped. Vallant/Tamrissa: He goes into it being on his guard against beautiful women because of his ex, Mirra. She goes into it as a survivor of childhood, domestic and sexual abuse, so...massive trust issues. The series of obstacles are all convoluted misunderstandings, with one incident that is genuinely both impactful and meaningful for their relationship in that it actually forces some character growth. I couldn't tell you whether either of these characters have interests–I mean, Vallant's into sailing, I guess because he used to captain a ship, but we literally will never hear about it ever, and Tamrissa doesn't seem to have any hobbies beyond drinking tea and eating chocolate though she eventually will start a glass menagerie. They are both children of successful merchants so you would think they would do some bonding there, but because Vallant literally can't see her as a person as he's too obsessed with her boobs or whatever and Tamrissa spends all of her time perpetually bouncing between embarrassed/shy/furious, we will never see either of them actually have a meaningful conversation about anything that is not related to their relationship or the group. Somehow they end up together in a permanent semi-monogamous but really polyamorous spiritual marriage without anybody ever actually proposing. Lorand/Jovvi: She's a sex positive independently wealthy go getting courtesan and he's got issues with that. She's into fashion and being rich and he's into not looking like an idiot. The series of obstacles are...basically him lamenting that she won't sleep with him exclusively or marry him and her worrying about the conspiracy all around them. The magic system basically tells him that she's right and he's wrong, and the protagonists all have plot armor that means despite the conspiracy, they will eventually win without any effort. Rion/Naran: He's been cut off from his mother's apron strings and bank accounts and has just discovered sex is a thing. She's...got no flaws whatsoever. The series of obstacles are basically hired goons. Very late in like Book 7 or something, it's like Green realizes that these two have never had any challenges to their relationship and so just makes stuff up. Spoilers a random woman flirts with him and he has the realization that he's never slept with anybody other than his three female Blendingmates then basically decides he can't be trusted to be faithful to Naran and therefore ends their relationship. It's pretty unconvincing.
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# ? Jan 19, 2021 12:25 |
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These were bad enough when I binge read them all, but going through them a second time with this thread it's really obvious just how horrible all of these books are. Kudos to you for sticking with these! Given what I've seen in real life with extremely sheltered people getting into their first relationship (or first few), I actually buy the Rion/Naran relationship - everything's great until he torpedoes it for a random, stupid reason because there's never been any meaningful conflict before. Given the timeline of all of this, hasn't their relationship only been going for a couple months by that point too? It makes me think of all the early middle school relationships where everyone would go to the movies and then breakup because popcorn was shared with the wrong person, or some similar trivial reason. Not that I think Green had any of that in mind when writing this.
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# ? Jan 19, 2021 22:24 |
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A Small Car posted:These were bad enough when I binge read them all, but going through them a second time with this thread it's really obvious just how horrible all of these books are. Kudos to you for sticking with these! Not even! Leng posted:Based on my notes for Books 1-3 and a quick scan of Books 4-8: But you are correct, Rion/Naran would have only been together for something like 4-6 weeks by the time that particular drama happens. Which, uh, I don't know. I agree that Rion's messing stuff up by idly wondering what it's like to sleep with other people is entirely consistent but then his weird angst of "I can't be trusted to not cheat on her so I should just break up with her even though this is ~True Semi-Monogamous Polyamorous Love~ still doesn't make sense. But hey, I guess that had to happen so Lorand and Vallant could get in on the blatant moralizing.
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# ? Jan 20, 2021 12:34 |
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quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE I'm having a lot of trouble understanding the authorial choice to have multiple characters in the same scene when all they do is apparently sit there and stare off into space. The whole setup makes all the characters feel like scripted NPCs, except even the most meme-worthy NPCs in something like Skyrim feel like they have a lot more personality (yes even the "arrow in the knee" guard dialogue NPCs). Lorand feeling like a servant should be a nice moment of characterization. He's not the deluded arrogant wannabe that Hat is, but he does privately think that he's the best Earth magic talent from Widdertown ever, he did have an entire conversation in Chapter 1 with Hat about how they're too good for the town and how they'll make everyone at home sorry that they missed the opportunity to cosy up to future Highs, and now he is well on his way to being a Master, not just a High (it's never really clear if the two are distinct things, but I'm gonna pretend they are, since we got the whole spiel about "flawed potential Highs" back in the first random interlude chapter in Book 1). Instead Green just lets this lovely opportunity go whooshing past in favor of the drivel that follows. quote:And it wasn’t as if he didn’t have his own things to brood about, he thought morosely as he left the coach. He’d wanted to talk to Jovvi again, and after the celebration broke up last night he’d managed to make it happen. He’d drawn her aside after everyone else had left, and had smiled down at her. at Lorand thinking that one or two gold dins would be enough of a secure nest egg for Jovvi to want to jump into wedding planning after she's already declined his unwanted proposal. To be fair, he doesn't know about the cache of gold Jovvi's hidden in the house but this still has me shaking my head. Dude just doesn't have a strong grasp of economics. quote:“I really do like you, Lorand Coll,” she’d answered with a smile, putting one soft and shapely hand to his face in a gentle caress. “I knew at once that you would turn out to be someone who was important to me, and I’m not often wrong about things like that.” Then her smile had faded, and the hand was gone from his face. “But right now I think it’s time I went to bed.” Seriously?! Was the first thing about their future life together gonna be about planning how many sons she's going to give him? quote:“Jovvi, what’s wrong?” he asked instead, wishing he could take her in his arms. “Have I done something to offend you?” Alright now I'm even more confused. Jovvi, who is presumably still touching the power, should therefore be aware of what Lorand's thinking. In all of the previous chapters, she's clearly okay with a sexually intimate relationship without any promise of something more intimate. Why would she not just distract Lorand and herself by saying "I'm off to bed, and you–you should join me"? This mopey angst from Jovvi feels even more out of character. Oh it's because Green needs stupid drama to manufacture tension. quote:And now, walking toward the resin walls surrounding the practice area, Lorand still couldn’t argue with what she’d said. It had been nothing but the truth, and even a sleepless night of tossing and turning hadn’t done anything to change that. You can’t count on someone who can’t even count on himself, even if the someone is too thickheaded to keep that fact clearly in mind. Lorand must have been taking notes from Vallant on how to be a drama king. quote:“I won’t be practicing this morning,” Lorand heard himself saying to Hestir. “I know what’s necessary, so I’ve decided to go straight to the testing. Let’s begin right now.” Mind. Blown. quote:knowing he didn’t dare give himself time to stop and think. “I’ll go with you to find that other Adept, and then we’ll get straight to it.” Thank you for bashing me over the head with all of these clumsy details. quote:“All right, my friend, we’re here,” Hestir said, and Lorand looked up to discover that they’d reached the proper cubicle. Inside was a vat of thick black liquid, a liquid that came from beneath the ground and was therefore in the province of Earth magic. I can only assume this is petroleum. Which then means I'm a little confused as to why they don't have asphalt or combustion engines? quote:And all of that told him what he would have to do to scatter it the way he’d scattered the soil, to send it fountaining up in a proper explosion. It would take more strength than it had taken to explode the soil, but Lorand was already using that much strength and more. All he had to do was work out the proper addition to the necessary weaving… I think this is supposed to be funny. Obviously because we've been told that Lorand is trying not to crack up. Clearly so very funny. quote:“It’s a shame your clothing had to get stained, but you were absolutely right,” Lorand burbled on as he left the cubicle, pretending he couldn’t see how angry the Adepts were. “That wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, so I’m ready to tackle the next exercise. But I would advise you men to get those stains out of your clothes right now, before they damage the underlying dyes beyond repair.” Another plothole is the fact that they've all been practising the EXACT EXERCISES they have to perform to demonstrate mastery. I am so totally confused why there's any suspense when there's no element of the unknown in the situation. Like even in a driving test, when you've spent hours learning how to parallel park, or do three-point turns, going for your licence is always an unknown because you can't predict the traffic conditions or the parking spot that the instructor's gonna pick or the exact route you have to take. Way back in Chapter 39 of Book 1, Lorand was given the grand tour so he knew exactly what was involved in the second level masteries. The only element that Hestir didn't explicitly show him was the third variation on the thing with the rats, so that's literally the only element of surprise. But he was supposed to be doing more practise, so even that wouldn't have been a surprise at all. What the hell kind of plotting is this? quote:All good humor lasted only the few steps necessary to reach the next cubicle. A large wooden device had been built in there, a thing which resembled a strange farm wagon, and inside the device was a bar of metal. Lorand was supposed to use his ability to take apart the bar of metal, but the metal was steel rather than iron. Lorand had never tried to take apart steel before, but he already knew it wouldn’t be easy. Stop using "odd" as an adjective!!! It makes every single character feel/sound exactly the same, since we never understand which specific details they're picking out as "odd". quote:When they reached the separate cubicle, Lorand was able to see why it had looked so strange. It was at least four times bigger than any of the other cubicles, had a small white resin building attached at the back, and it was completely empty. The white resin building had a door leading directly into the cubicle, and oddly enough there was a barred gate across the front of the clear-walled cubicle. Lorand had also caught a glimpse of a portion of the area behind the white resin building before they’d reached the cubicle, and that was the strangest part. It looked like there was a grassy area back there, surrounded by some sort of high metal fence… FINALLY. Why didn't we just get THIS description up front instead of the stupid filler we got before? Also Lorand should totally be in contact with the power right now. We should be getting all sorts of observations through his Earth magic talent, including details about what's inside that grassy area. Unless this is an attempt to demonstrate how resin (a substance that is produced by a combination of three magical talents) is apparently magically inert and blocks magical senses. quote:“Please step inside, sir,” Hestir said when they stood in front of the cubicle, Morin on the other side of the doorway. Lorand had no choice but to comply, and this time the others made no effort to follow him. The sound of a click came, and when Lorand turned he saw that the barred door had been closed with both Adepts outside. Damned Adepts can't even keep their cover story straight. quote:“That’s the—ah—required place for an applicant,” Hestir replied, and this time Lorand knew the man was lying. “It won’t be for long, I assure you…” An Earth magic talent, trying to lie to another Earth magic talent, knowing that said Earth magic talent can tell that they're lying. The bar gets lower and lower. quote:Hestir’s words trailed off as Morin threw the lever, and a sound behind him made Lorand turn. The sound came from the slow opening of the door in the small resin building, and Lorand suddenly became aware of the fact that there was something alive in the building. If only we had gotten some information in advance about the fact that Lorand tried but failed to sense anything because the resin was blocking him! Green constantly sequences things out of order and it leaves me feeling like all of her books are just a long series of plotholes that have been patched by being retconned one after another. quote:“That motivation is considered sufficient for those who qualify for this exercise,” Hestir said, his tone beginning to sound more confident. “I would suggest that you take control of the beast now, before it emerges on its own. Once it begins to move voluntarily, controlling it will prove to be much more difficult.” So...is it asleep right now? Drugged? quote:As if controlling it now was easy! Lorand felt like laughing, but with hysteria rather than amusement. He had to get the puma under control, or it would certainly maul him. He could sense the way it had begun to stir, obviously getting ready to emerge. Now or never, Lorand, boy… Gotta feel bad for Lorand here. Rion wasn't even close to being in danger, just being frustrated. But somehow, I'm not feeling much tension on Lorand's behalf. quote:Fear flared all through Lorand, but he didn’t have the time to pay attention to all the different levels and sides of it. Once again “maybe I’ll burn out” had changed to “I’ll certainly die,” and the stronger fear was able to overcome the older and slightly weaker one. Before doubt had a chance to creep in, Lorand opened himself to more of the power—a good deal more. So this personal flaw does exactly...what? We've seen it come up three times now and in every instance, it basically doesn't matter. Apart from Lorand's hesitation–which never costs him anything–he's acting no differently to any of the other protagonists. quote:Warm, tingling lightning immediately began to race through him, bringing assurance and physical strength and alertness. He’d need all that and more to do everything he had to, but now he felt that nothing was beyond him. The influx of power had also brought confidence, so he took immediate advantage of it. In Green's universe, magic is literally magic and by that I mean it magically fixes people who are magical. Spoilers for Books 3/4 holding onto the power constantly literally fixes all of Tamrissa's confidence and self-assertiveness issues. quote:Reaching out to the two so-called Adepts was effortless, so much so that their straining to hold the barrier in place was completely obvious. It was clear now that they were no more than strong Middles, and all their attention was on maintaining the merging of their talents. Ordinarily Lorand would have been certain it would be impossible to touch them, but now he had no doubts the other way. So did they or did they not poo poo their pants? I feel like this is an important detail. I assume by the "automatically tried" that they did, but none of the three characters will remark on this later so I remain in doubt. quote:And not a moment too soon. The big cat was already beginning to step through the opened doorway, a feral eagerness filling it. It didn’t mind that it wasn’t yet lunchtime, it would be glad to make a meal exception in Lorand’s case. It snarled when it felt him beginning to search out its muscle and nerve connections and then it tried to attack, but by then its movements were no longer under its own control. Lorand felt the sweat breaking out all over him from the need to use that much strength, but he didn’t lose his grip on the struggling animal. And that's it. 318 words in five bland paragraphs, not even 10% of this chapter (4715 words) on what should really be a tension-filled edge-of-our-seats is-Lorand-about-to-be-savagely-mauled-by-a-wild-untamable-predator-and-possibly-killed scene. The puma doesn't even make it out of its cage under its own power. We never see or feel that Lorand is in danger, we're just told that he is of course in real danger because "oh it's so hard". I had to double check how many words I took to write my version (I did basically the exact same scene) and I used 583. Not that many more, honestly, and I consider myself to be a pretty verbose writer so I'm pretty sure a good writer could have done excellent suspense in 318 words. But we got Green instead. quote:“Now get this gate open,” he growled at Hestir, in no mood to play any more games. “This makes a full three masteries, and I want to hear you acknowledge it.” No, no, no, we already– quote:“It’s your master’s bracelet, which shows you to be a full participant rather than just an applicant,” Hestir answered as fast as possible, the look in his eyes one of terror. “Please, sir, about what was done … I’d like to explain—” quote:“Don’t bother,” Lorand interrupted, the growl still clear in his voice. “I don’t care why you two did what you did, the action isn’t one I mean to forgive. Go and get what you owe me, but don’t try to talk to me when you bring it.” I'm shocked that there was no mention of tea at all. quote:Lorand had the odd feeling that he was being stared at, and when he raised his head to look around he discovered he was right. Eskin Drowd stood near one of the practice cubicles, and his stare was filled with amusement and ridicule. At a guess Drowd thought Lorand had failed, and was taking the opportunity to laugh at him. Honestly, you should be trying to find out everything you can while you're at a testing facility by making like Rion and using your newfound prestige and power to get some straight answers out of Hestir and Morin, especially since Hestir feels an urgent need to explain himself. There is nobody at Tamrissa's house who knows anything about anything and all of you are just going to compare notes and conclude that yes, indeed, why the Adepts did try to stop everybody, oh poor us, whatever shall we do and OMFG we still have three POV chapters of experiencing these first hand and we STILL have to read the recap chapters of them discussing it. Summary: Day 7 Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 33 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 17 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 10 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 21 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, group of mystery thugs who hold Hat's gambling debts, Hestir, Morin Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen Vallant: Mirra Agran PLOTHOLES: 45 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 31 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 7 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 6 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 36 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 19 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 35 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 21 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 5 BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Since I already did this, I'll be lazy and copy/paste what I wrote (sorry folks who have already read this while following the rewrite). In my version, this mastery is part of the practical component of the end of school exams (like an equivalent to the SATs for Americans or the IB) and Lorand's elective was Healing rather than Persuasion, so a different character is doing this particular test: quote:A series of obstacles had been set out in the courtyard for the test of Persuasion: a long narrow beam that stood knee high from the ground, a wide hoop raised six feet in the air and a large white sheet, stretched and hung with two ropes. Three other servants wearing uniforms with the Guild’s symbol pushed an iron cage into position in front of the mound of soil before they retreated into the safety of the Guild house. The cage was half the size of a private coach, draped with heavy black cloth, and the mind inside it radiated aggression and hunger. EDIT: I should add that with this chapter, we are now at the end of the halfway point in Green's Book 2, which has 46 chapters (though it really should include the first five chapters of Book 3, for the same reasons that Book 1 should have included the first five chapters of Book 2). Assuming I've added correctly, we are now 65,460 words in–which by the way is almost 10k more words than my total word count for NaNoWriMo, or an entire short story–and like nothing much of anything has happened. Some people had sex with some other people, someone was murdered and a whole lot of people did magical stuff that should have been interesting and/or terrifying to read about since all of those skills are clearly intended for combat purposes but ended up being boring filler between pages and pages of people drinking tea or talking about drinking tea or refusing to drink tea. The core structural problem of FIVE FIVE FIVE has now been doubled to TEN TEN TEN and I seriously can't fathom why any competent editor would allow this. Leng fucked around with this message at 10:53 on Feb 1, 2021 |
# ? Jan 20, 2021 13:50 |
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Leng posted:The core structural problem of FIVE FIVE FIVE has now been doubled to TEN TEN TEN and I seriously can't fathom why any competent editor would allow this. I remain convinced that these books were handed off unedited. Repeating the trials and mastery training for each character in the first book, then turning around and doing exactly the same thing with identical mastery exercises in the second book, is a real "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" situation to slip past an editor.
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# ? Jan 20, 2021 14:38 |
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quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR If Kambil can work Spirit magic on himself, Jovvi should be able to as well. And I'm still totally confused at why she's not just sleeping with him if she wants to. It's probably some "oh we can't be together for good due to a stupid reason so let's not even be together for a tiny bit because that will make it more miserable when we have to split up" crap, which feels out of character for Jovvi. And we're SEVEN freaking days into this timeline. This kind of melodramatic star crossed lovers crap is so juvenile. Which I guess seeing as all of the protagonists are like 18-somethings is still age appropriate but this has got the maturity of romance in YA novels. Like we're talking Cassandra Clare levels of melodrama here. Except Cassandra Clare actually writes much better prose, has better plotting and and better characters and the melodrama usually is because said love is actually forbidden by strong cultural or social mores as opposed to just literally being all in the characters' heads. quote:So she would have been happier to pass the ride in depressed silence, but Tamma’s presence refused to allow that. One minute the girl was projecting excited anticipation at the top of her emotional lungs, and the next it was outraged annoyance tinged with faint apprehension being projected. Jovvi couldn’t have ignored that combination even if there hadn’t been so much strength behind it, so after a few moments she admitted defeat with a sigh. Because this is completely bonkers and out of character! quote:The effort must have been enormous, and I admire you for having been able to do it. I take it you benefited from lying with Rion?” Yes. Especially when you consider that it would have been Rion's second sexual experience, ever. I like many aspects of Rion's character, but "the Highest Aspect's gift to women" is not one of them. quote:“Well, that’s the way it did work with Rion, but after that nothing went right,” Tamma said glumly, all exuberance suddenly gone. “I told Vallant the lie as best I could, and for a little while he seemed to believe me. Then he came over and told me how hurt he felt at being led on by me, and a moment later I found myself insisting that he tell me what I might do to make him feel less … despised and left out. I even promised to do it without first hearing what it was.” There's some weirdness in Green's morality that is being superimposed upon these books that makes permanent serious monogamous relationships the only acceptable outcome. I have a lot of trouble understanding why neither Lorand nor Vallant could just accept a casual relationship with either of their love interests. Green seems to find something utterly compelling about a guy whose entire attitude is "I must have you all to myself exclusively* or I refuse to have a relationship with you at all**" *unless the magic system dictates that we need to be in a poly relationship with others **and I also refuse to allow you to have any other romantic or sexual relationships with people who are not me quote:“So what are you going to do? Tell him that his having tricked you means you don’t have to keep your part of the bargain?” quote:This time Jovvi simply nodded, Seriously?!!?!?!??! quote:the point much too familiar to need discussing. She’d always remember the time she’d shared with Lorand, and that was a good part of the trouble. If only she were able to forget, she might find it possible to believe that she’d turned her back on a man no different from any of the others she’d known… So much for the basis of Jovvi and Lorand's relationship. She's literally fixated on him because he's the best lay she's ever had. Which again, as a courtesan, I find that dubious. Of all of her clients as the most popular courtesan in Rincammon and all the North, she's never found anyone as good as Lorand? When she's got Spirit magic and therefore can both make herself appealing to them AND make them want to please her? There's a giant plothole in regards to how much Jovvi consciously understood what she was doing with her talent but regardless, this is pretty implausible. quote:The rest of the ride went by in silence, and once again Tamma was the first to get out. Jovvi simply readied herself until the coach reached her own stop, and then she got out and entered the practice area. There were more people present than there’d been yesterday morning, but all of them were sitting at tables and drinking tea. No one seemed to be watching the practice buildings, waiting for people to come out so that they might take their turn, and somehow that wasn’t surprising. I haven't talked about this so far, but the other thing that bugs me is how copy/paste each different aspect's practitioners feel. The only aspect Green has bothered to "characterize" is Fire and they're all supposed to be stereotypically "fiery" aggressive people. Spirit magic keeps talking about "maintaining balance" but you never see this affect any character's actions. As to the rest of the aspects, no freaking clue. But if this was real to the universe, each aspect should feel distinct in their cultural norms. But I suppose it's too much to ask of an author who can't even create real characters in the first place. quote:Genovir turned and hurried away, leaving Jovvi with the impression that the larger woman’s balance was on the verge of coming apart. Under other circumstances that would seem curious, but with the testing authority involved the reaction felt more suspicious. Those people were up to something, and the something wasn’t likely to be to her benefit. Hello, convenient 2 sentence "flashback" to let us know that Jovvi, the smartest of the protagonists, has deduced that the tea is probably drugged. quote:After a few minutes Genovir reappeared with Algus, both of them coming from the second small practice building. Their pace was less hurried than Genovir’s departure had been, but there was a definite … determination to the tall, thin man’s stride. Jovvi wondered about that, but as soon as the two reached the place she sat, it was no longer necessary to wonder. The only interesting thing in the chapter so far–Spirit magic users can sense when somebody else is touching them with their talent. quote:“Very well, Dama,” he conceded, immediately covering his flash of frustrated annoyance. “Please come with us.” Jovvi is a born conspiracy theory nut. She can tell from THE SET OF THEIR SHOULDERS that weird stuff is going on. I'll buy that this is Green trying to show that Jovvi's picking up something from body language cues or whatever, but this is still so incredibly clumsy. (also it bugs me no end that Jovvi is always proven to be correct in her suspicions) quote:The second practice building was just like the first, being divided into smaller rooms for the purpose of privacy. The only difference was the lack of windows in the room Genovir led her into, wall lamps doing the job of keeping the gloom at bay. The second interesting thing in this chapter! Spiders (and I guess other insects and sentient creatures) have emotions! No, we will never see anything interesting come of this. quote:“I’m sure you already know what’s necessary, Dama, but I’ll review the matter anyway,” Algus said as the six subjects drifted to the far side of the room. “These subjects will start out calm, and your task will be to enrage them. They’ll begin by standing together, then will shift through the various stages until each stands alone. For these final masteries you must be standing in the middle of the room, just as you were for the previous ones.” Dun dun dun! You would think that there should be a safety barrier made of hardened Air or something, wouldn't you? quote:“All right, now we’ll begin,” Algus said from where he stood near the door, behind her, then continued to the subjects, “Hear one who is authorized to command you. This woman is your friend, and she means you no harm.” What exactly is preventing Jovvi from using this same command phrase? The way we see Puredan work in future scenarios, it doesn't seem to be possible to restrict the people who are authorized to use the command phrase. quote:The six subjects, properly cued, all began to smile, not the slightest bit of anger in any of them. Jovvi had already reached out to them, wondering if the trap lay in some difference between them and ordinary subjects, but that didn’t seem to be the case. Suddenly our street smart protagonist seems as dumb and oblivious as a rock. You're standing in the middle of a group of people that you're supposed to enrage. Any bright ideas as to where the danger might be? quote:So she reached to their calm peacefulness, and a moment later they were shaking fists and moving angrily in place. Actually, influencing/controlling people's emotions (and thoughts) is ethically dubious, but Green will never address this! quote:“Enough,” Algus finally commanded after an even longer minute, calming the rage of the six subjects. Some of them had seemed ready to move in Jovvi’s direction, which had disturbed her quite a lot. Oh, the horror. Is anyone feeling any horror for Jovvi? Or maybe dread? What about a vague concern? I'm not sure myself, because I'm a little distracted by the background noise of my appliances humming, if you strain your ears slightly, they might be humming a very low B flat. quote:“Now you have two additional masteries, Dama. Let’s move on to the third. You people, division two.” STOP WRITING LIKE THIS. quote:And then there was another spider—or the same one—sliding down a thread right next to her again, which was somewhat surprising. It hadn’t seemed there were that many spiders in the building, but obviously she’d been mistaken. She would have enjoyed being able to think about that along with what the Adept might be up to, but Algus could well decide to call any hesitation a failure. With that in mind she reached to the subjects again, and once more set them raging. quote:“Enough,” Algus said in a shorter time than before, an odd satisfaction in his tone. “That makes three additional masteries, Dama, with only one more to go. If you like, I’ll permit a pause now for a cup of tea.” So the key to confusing Spirit magic is just to feel a lot of emotions at once? quote:“We’ll conclude this, then. You people, division three.” quote:That brought Jovvi her own anger, along with the determination not to let Algus and Genovir get away with it. Please never use the term "a doing" ever again. quote:And now that Jovvi knew their plan, she certainly wished she didn’t. The six subjects were so furious they were ready to cause serious harm, and they were all around her. They’d already advanced to a point where the diameter of their circle was half of what it had originally been, and another minute would see them even closer. If anything was going to be done about it, it had to be done now. Wow, so scary! quote:Swallowing against the fear trying to rise up inside her, Jovvi opened herself to more of the power. The inrush was exhilarating and strengthening, flowing over and erasing her faint uneasiness over the necessity. The power she already wielded was more than she’d ever handled before, but if she were going to break out of the trap, she needed even more. Here continues the theme of those who are born as Highs looking down on everyone around them. Reminder that the Adepts are Middles, so they're not that weak in reality. And the majority of the population are Lows. Green has consciously or unconsciously written in a birth based caste system into the Blendingverse. It's gross. quote:But breaking through the block was out of the question, so Jovvi did the only other thing she could: she sent the fear of enclosed spaces to the pair, forcing it through their individually inadequate personal defenses. We're finally getting some "magical combat" and that's all the detail I get on why Jovvi can't break through the block? quote:Genovir moaned as Algus gasped, and the block disappeared only just in time. The four large male subjects were only two steps away from Jovvi when she finally managed to calm them, doing the same for the women at the same time. The combined effort against eight people had covered Jovvi with sweat and turned her faintly trembling, but she’d still accomplished what had needed to be done. And her spider companion was still perfectly calm, as though knowing she could be relied on to take care of the problem. But the problem had more than one side… Is this supposed to be funny? quote:Jovvi stood and watched them for a moment, feeling a great lack of understanding. She’d expected the two to fight her once they dropped the block, but their only attempt to resist had been so weak she’d almost missed it. And now they were completely under her control despite her weariness, which shouldn’t be so. Was she mistaken, or were they really no stronger than Middle practitioners? Well, there were other answers she wanted more, so that particular question would have to wait. There you have it. Spirit magic can control other people. Earth and Spirit magic are amazingly overpowered. quote:After turning and sending the emotion of gratitude to the tiny spider which still hung at the end of its thread, Book 8 spoilers if Drees Allovin and his Blendingmates who were shepherding the Prophecy can control SPIDERS this is an awesome application of the magic. Are they spiritwalking? Are they here, disguised? Is the spider a real spider or just a magically constructed illusion using Air and Spirit magic? We'll never know! quote:Jovvi followed behind the two “Adepts.” She, of course, stopped when they did, a good half dozen paces along the walk. NO DON'T. quote:but first I want another answer. You two deliberately tried to make me fail the test—not to mention trying to get me beaten up or killed—and I want to know why. What did I do to make you behave like that?” Both the official story and the act from the Adepts suck. You'd think Spirit magic Adepts would have come up with a better way to do this. Though apparently I think we're supposed to conclude that subtle work of any sort is beyond a Middle. Except then the books contradict this with examples of exceptional Middles later on, so... quote:“We’ll just put that matter aside for another time,” Jovvi said after a moment, words calculated to do nothing to ease the fear the Adepts felt. “Now you can tell me what that bracelet thing means.” Algus did you miss the memo? You're supposed to address Jovvi as "Master" now! quote:There was now hope in the man’s voice and mind, hope based on the possibility that his news would put Jovvi’s attention on something other than him. The whole thing was so clear that the man might as well have discussed it aloud, but since he seemed unaware of it, Jovvi decided against mentioning it. I'm torn on this decision. The interrogation of the Adepts would actually advance the plot so technically we should see this, except it's also Jovvi doing the interrogation and she can now control these two, so they'll spill whatever which means it's not even going to be an interesting interaction. By the way, this will be the template for all information gathering for the rest of the series. Characters need to know something? Get the closest Spirit magic user to just take control of people and force them to spill their guts. Hey presto, information gathering completed, no other effort required. quote:Algus paled before nodding vigorously and then hurrying away, a deeply frightened Genovir right behind him. Jovvi wasted no time watching the two escape, not when she needed food and drink so badly. Instead she headed for the eating area and an empty table, where she’d be able to refresh herself—and worry—in peace. The others … what if one or more of them actually drank the tea they’d be offered? They would certainly end up being disqualified, and it might even turn out to be Lorand… Train another guy to be just as good in bed? Get on with your business plan of opening the foremost courtesan residence in Gan Garee? Go on with life? It sure seems like you've got no options whatsoever. Summary: Day 7 Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 33 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 17 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 10 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 23 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, group of mystery thugs who hold Hat's gambling debts, Hestir, Morin Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen Vallant: Mirra Agran PLOTHOLES: 46 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 32 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 8 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 6 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 37 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 20 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 35 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 21 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: One of the reasons Green is stuck to her FIVE FIVE FIVE is because she wants to showcase all of the different aspects. This is fine but her solution–which is to show everything at the same time–is boring. I think Sanderson's solution for Stormlight Archive was a good one–keep each book tightly focused on a particular order and what they can do. This worked pretty well up until Oathbringer and then in Rhythm of War I think that fell apart a little bit, because Navani was the focus character for the book, we saw a little bit of what Willshapers could do via Venli but it was not plot centric in the way that Windrunner or Lightweaver powers were in Way of Kings or Words of Radiance so I almost felt like it was another Bondsmith book, except then Navani didn't swear the first oath until the very end of the book so there was no further exploration of Bondsmith powers, except seeing Ishar do mind numbing things with manipulation Connection in that one scene. I'm not really sure that Green had 5 books' worth of story here, but assuming she does (or adding in a few extra subplots if she didn't), she could have done something similar and had each book focus on a different aspect. I think you'd have to get a lot more metaphysical than Green did though, to have it not end up boring. Or maybe just it should be five novellas with each novella focusing on a different aspect, and an overarching story being told across the novellas. That's probably more doable. Leng fucked around with this message at 10:53 on Feb 1, 2021 |
# ? Jan 23, 2021 22:38 |
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quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE Look at that, he's trying to do some actual reflection. Will we finally see a flash of maturity? quote:Last night had started out really amusing, with Tamrissa the Innocent falling right into his trap. Her expression had been priceless when she finally realized what she’d promised to do, but it had also been touchingly vulnerable. He’d waited for her to turn speechless with embarrassment, intending then to tell her he’d only been joking—or wishful thinking—but that hadn’t happened. Instead, fury had flashed from her beautiful eyes, and after promising never to speak to him again, she’d stormed back into the house. Vallant is that rear end in a top hat at the bar who sidles up to you with his A game ready, then falling back on "oh haha it was all a joke can't you take a joke" when it bombs. quote:Vallant’s first reaction to that had been faint hurt, to see that she really believed he’d force her into his bed. At first he tried to tell himself she had no reason to believe otherwise, but that wasn’t true. He’d not only done nothing to hurt her, he’d gone out of his way to be more than ordinarily gentle. Seriously? Let's recount all of the incidents of sexual harrassment that have occurred. Off the top of my head and without trawling through all of the Valissa drama in the 69 chapters we've read to date:
quote:But she’d still immediately treated him like a lower lifeform, like someone she had no interest whatsoever in associating with. Because she doesn't. Really. Except Green keeps trying to force them together because Green. quote:He’d spent his time apologizing for something that hadn’t been his fault to begin with, and she’d spent her time trying to avoid him. He’d decided he couldn’t bear the thought of being without her, and she’d decided she wanted nothing to do with him. By the time he’d gotten back to his bedchamber, it had come to him that he’d done everything but crawl for the woman. Uh, no. This is textbook obsessive stalker behavior. quote:And since that was something he’d never do for anyone, it was obvious he’d reached the end of the line in his quest for Dama Domon’s attention. Quest… Vallant had laughed at himself bitterly over that one. It had been more of a pitiful display of begging than a quest, since that was what chasing after an uninterested woman always was. Which meant that it was more than time it came to an end. OMFG. Stop trying to paint yourself as some sort of tormented Knight in Shining Aspect in a star-crossed relationship. quote:Vallant stared out of the coach window and remembered the terrible disappointment he’d felt at that thought, but there was no arguing with the conclusion. Tamrissa wanted nothing to do with him, so it was time to bow to her decision and walk away like a gentleman of dignity. It wasn’t what he really wanted to do, but it was the only option left open to him. FINALLY. Note how grudgingly he is about doing the right thing. "Since nothing short of using physical or magical force will get me into her skirts at this point–the use of which would make me one of the Bad Guys instead of one of the Good Guys–I guess I have to stop sexually harassing this woman who wants nothing to do with me and who has made that abundantly clear multiple times." quote:Brooding over that inescapable decision took up all of the coach ride, You are the epitome of the reason why women who are being harassed like this opt to ghost people like you or break up via phone or text. quote:and even caused him to miss Mardimil’s departure. The first he knew when Coll called his name was that Holter was in the process of getting out, which meant he had to do the same. The practice area looked no different from yesterday, but as soon as he and Holter walked through the wall opening, Wimand, his Adept guide, hurried toward them, followed closely by Holter’s Adept guide Podon. This is even more awkward than every other Adept scene so far. quote:“Of course, Dom Ro, we’ll begin as quickly as possible,” Wimand replied, his enthusiasm fading for an instant before being dragged back in place. “We must wait for two more Adepts to become available to witness your and Dom Holter’s masteries, so we might as well have tea during the wait. We already have a pot and cups right over here…” Green suddenly remembered that Vallant's supposed to have this crippling claustrophobia. quote:Wimand spent some time in feeble argument with Podon backing him up, but Vallant and Holter had formed a united front. Neither of them would hear of a delay, and today it was Vallant’s turn to go first. The Adepts were clearly unhappy about that, especially since they didn’t seem able to refuse. It was completely obvious that they wanted to refuse, but instead Wimand drew himself up. So why did we just waste all of that time reading about this stupidity? I swear reading these books sometimes is an exercise in reading about people engaging in pointless arguments for the sake of having the argument/being seen to put up a token resistance against the inevitable. quote:Vallant wasn’t at his sharpest or most attentive, but it was still impossible to miss the … vindictive intent behind Wimand’s words. The Adept sounded as if he had plans that would not be to Vallant’s benefit, but that was all right. Vallant would welcome a skirmish right now, preferably one that was physical. If abilities became involved instead, that would also be acceptable. Why can't we ever see Vallant exercising his life experience as a worldy well traveled sailor captain and just get told he picks up this crap. Not even through tone of voice or body language or facial expression or some other action, just literally picking up an "vindictive intent". When Vallant doesn't have Spirit magic. Also this guy is just spoiling for a fight constantly. With what a hothead Vallant is, it's incredibly inconsistent with his character that he never gets into a fist fight until Book 5. quote:Wimand and Podon led the way to the first of the testing cubicles, but not before Wimand insisted that Holter wait at a table some distance off. Well at least that's finally canonized. quote:Just please be certain that you don’t run afoul of the other, more important one.” Hahahahahaha Podon is the worst at coming up with believable stuff. quote:“Oh, yes, I remember hearin’ somethin’ about that now,” Vallant drawled, not about to let Wimand think his scare tactics had a chance to work. “That’s a nasty way to die, but I don’t ever expect it to happen to me. Are we ready to begin?” You'd think there would be a clear set of rules and procedures somewhere that would be explained to all applicants. quote:There was nothing Vallant could say to that without sounding as if he were trying to cheat, so he followed Wimand as requested. Yesterday Holter had started first with Vallant following, but there hadn’t been any pauses between the exercises. And, considering the smugness Wimand now showed, it was too bad argument wasn’t possible. Green, on what she thinks is an interesting story: "here's a thing that's supposed to be super hard, but the main character thinks it's not hard, also the main character is spending all their time standing around snarking or having pointless arguments with other characters who are clearly idiots" Are these books just an incredibly verbose exercise in wish fulfilment where Green can just tell everybody off via her self-inserts? quote:“And that’s mastery number two,” Wimand said, but the lightheartedness of his tone was surprising. Vallant turned to look at the man, and was startled to see that two strangers had joined Wimand and Podon. Ever consider that you might actually be a lower lifeform? One who doesn't understand consent? quote:“We can go to the third cubicle now,” Wimand announced, still sounding much too smugly satisfied. That had to mean something had changed to make the situation more pleasant for him, and the only change was the presence of Rilin. Vallant took that as his cue to start being more alert, but otherwise followed the two Adepts silently. Lampshading your terrible writing doesn't make it acceptable, Green. quote:“The boxes are of different sizes, so you must use your ability to discover their dimensions as well as to fill them. Just as in the last cubicle, you’ll begin by filling one, then two at the same time, and so forth. You may start when you feel yourself ready.” Wow. Just wow. Turns out Vallant, our world-weary seasoned captain, is super gullible. quote:But his automatic attempt to return the water to the air didn’t work, which immediately told him the true state of affairs. Magically now opening to the power also gives you more oxygen. What. The. Hell. The energy and enhanced senses, fine, I buy that. Oxygen? Really? quote:In the upper reaches of the sky, water is closer to being ice than a liquid. Vallant reached down two large globs of that ice, and applied each glob to the private parts of the two men trying to drown him. We've already had weird things going on with range, teleportation of water, etc. How is Vallant shoving ice against these guys' s while they're fully clothed? I'm quote:Their screams could be heard even through the water around his head, and then the water was no longer there. Vallant stood and breathed deeply while he listened to the unfiltered screams, grimly satisfied. Cold, beyond a certain point, becomes true pain, and if these two didn’t deserve the pain then no one did. He let them experience it for a full minute, and then he withdrew the ice a very small bit. Vallant is a bully, but it's okay because he's a Good Guy which means he only bullies people when it's for their own good. quote:“Now we’re goin’ to continue with this exercise,” Vallant said, giving them a pleasant smile. “The ice will stay where it is until I’ve achieved this final mastery, and then we can all forget about it. Do you agree?” Oh FFS. quote:“Your status has changed from applicant to full participant, sir,” Wimand told him in explanation, all but bowing. “You’ve reached the level of master, so a master’s bracelet will replace your applicant’s card. Congratulations again on achieving that much higher status, and would you care to sit and take tea while I get your bracelet and dins?” That's Master Tamrissa Domon, buddy. Summary: Day 7 Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 35 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 17 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 25 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, group of mystery thugs who hold Hat's gambling debts, Hestir, Morin Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen Vallant: Mirra Agran, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 46 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 33 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 8 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 6 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 37 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 20 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 36 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 21 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: I have nothing to say other than I am so glad we're at the end of this set of rotating POVs because this level of repetition should just not exist. Leng fucked around with this message at 10:52 on Feb 1, 2021 |
# ? Jan 27, 2021 04:40 |
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quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX I feel like maybe I should have a counter for how many times characters leave other characters without saying goodbye because this has to be the 18th time we've read something like this. quote:I stopped on the walk leading to the practice area, trying to pull myself together before going in. Talking things out with Jovvi had made me realize something I hadn’t admitted to myself before: a very large part of me wanted to be with Vallant Ro. Looking at him made me feel things I’d never felt when looking at any other man, and even the thought of simply strolling with him in the garden sent me into a minor flutter. But according to Book 1, he's basically a triplet, so why don't you feel this way about Rion or Lorand? Book 8 spoilers she will, because the magic system says so, and Green literally describes this feeling as all the men in the Blending being like one guy and the same with the women, etc though we will literally never see any such relationship development between any of the characters other than the primary pairing quote:But I’d decided against associating with Vallant Ro, and right or wrong the decision had still been made. That meant the man had had no right to keep bothering me, not to mention trapping me into a very disturbing promise. Maybe I had insisted on making the promise; that didn’t mean Vallant Ro wasn’t wrong to let it happen in the first place. Again, not informed consent! You don't have to go through with it! Please can you just stick with standing up for yourself and not falling for the rear end in a top hat? quote:Anger rose in me again at that thought, covering over the possibility that I’d been wrong to say I’d never speak to him again. Putting the entire blame on him had seemed unfair because I had encouraged him to a large extent, Uh, no, you didn't do any encouraging at all. The guy was just fixated on you from the start. quote:but the anger wiped out that feeling as well. It usually isn’t wise to let yourself walk around being angry, especially when the use of magic is involved, but this wasn’t a usual situation. If the anger kept me from being distracted by conflicting wants and desires, it seemed wiser to simply go with it. Spoilers for this chapter continuing the incredibly trope-y characterization of Fire magic, yes anger makes your Fire magic stronger. quote:“Well, well, so you actually showed up,” a woman’s voice said, and then Soonen stopped not far from me. “I thought sure you would remember what we’ll be doing today and decide to stay in bed.” This is the only instance of suspicion that was merely written in a mediocre way instead of abysmal or absent. quote:No logical answer came for that question, so I shelved it for the moment and drifted after Soonen. The woman seemed to be heading for the table that Gerdol had been at yesterday, and sure enough the man was there with his friends. When Soonen spoke to him, her face looking drawn, he seemed startled and upset. They then exchanged a few words, after which Gerdol rose and joined Soonen in coming back to me. Sorry, what? So Gerdol doesn't have any hair on his upper lip? Does he shave his upper lip but not his chin/cheeks/sideburns? Can anyone shed some light on what the hell this is supposed to look like? quote:“I certainly hope you had a pleasant evening and rest—but of course you must have. You’re just as lovely as ever.” quote:“That’s a really tempting offer, sir, but I must decline,” I said when his words trailed off on a coaxing note. I’d never be able to stand his greasy compliments without exploding… “I’ve come for no other reason than to gain the next masteries, and now I’d like to get to it.” You DO know what's going on. You got a grand tour when you first arrived (Book 1, Chapter 42). Look, I know you're traumatized by Vallant's assholery last night at the pretend party, but you were literally here YESTERDAY. quote:but I was almost getting used to their way of doing things. When they reached the first cubicle Gerdol stopped, but Soonen continued around to the other side of it. The far side, like the near, had an opening in the clear resin wall with a free-standing curtain-wall three or four feet behind the opening. Who will be of absolutely no significance beyond this chapter. quote:For a moment I had trouble understanding why Beldara would be here, and then I realized that she must have managed to qualify on the very last day. I hadn’t seen her since the testing authority had taken her things and Eskin Drowd’s out of the house, probably expecting that neither of the two would qualify. But apparently Beldara had fooled them, and now she was here to try qualifying for the competitions. In that case, you should have no problem telling Vallant "no". quote:“I’m ready,” I said to Gerdol in what was almost a snap as I drew myself up. “Tell Soonen to begin any time she feels up to it.” Remember this detail about woven power vs woven talent. It will become important in...like 6-7 books. quote:Gerdol used the lever to make the device throw soil into the air, and that, of course, was when Soonen struck. Even as my hottest fires consumed the soil completely, I was able to feel Soonen trying to set my clothes and hair alight. The way she clenched her fists said she tried really hard, but it just wasn’t possible for her to go around or through my protection. Every time I hope that we'll get some specific details of what using the magic is like and how it works. Every time, Green disappoints. quote:“How was that?” I asked Gerdol when the soil was completely gone, pretending to ignore Soonen’s continuing efforts. “Worth another mastery, wouldn’t you say?” Which means Beldara would be able to pass these masteries too! Because if Soonen is just a Middle, she never would have passed that first test for High. quote:“And now we have two new masteries,” I said to Gerdol once all the water was gone without a trace, smiling faintly at the way I’d called myself a High talent without blushing at the boastfulness of the claim. When I finally released my hold on the power I’d be absolutely exhausted, but for now I meant to enjoy the experience of life without fear or nervousness. I didn't remember this detail until I just read it, mainly because every other time we see Tamrissa defend against Fire magic, there's always actual flame, regardless of talent level. If this were a Sanderson-esque book, I'd be wondering why, but since it's Green, I'm calling plothole. quote:As we approached the third cubicle, I smiled faintly to see the fury in Beldara Lant’s eyes. She’d obviously seen me complete the first two exercises, and now clearly hated the fact that I hadn’t failed. YES PLEASE! quote:Her eyes widened at that, her startled surprise over my new attitude more than clear. I’d never answered her challenge so directly before, and sudden lack of confidence made her wilt visibly. Oh COME ON. Having Beldara attack Tamrissa would have been MUCH more interesting! Not only is Beldara stronger, but these two characters have beef. Why in the world would you NOT let them go at each other? I can't understand this decision! It trades the interesting for the boring and is inconsistent with who the characters are. quote:That third cubicle held wooden blocks carved into different shapes, and I burned the one Gerdol chose without harming any of the blocks around it. I had to divide my protective shield in order to do it, but that didn’t seem to affect the strength of the shield. It remained just as strong as it was originally, and that held true through the next two cubicles as well. First a strip of leather and then one of cloth burned without a problem, and the fact that Soonen was just about foaming at the mouth hadn’t increased the strength of her attacks. It's never really established how Fire magic works in terms of control, and whether higher levels of control are only possible for Highs or if Middles and Lows can do that too. Later on Tamrissa will burn clothes and hair off people and that's taken as a demonstration of her unparalleled control over fire, yet Tamrissa seems to think Soonen (a strong Middle) is capable of it. quote:Panic tried to grow from the fear, and it took almost all I had to prevent that. I had to think rather than panic, but the one thought that came was a risky one. If I drew in more of the power I should be able to maintain the shield, but I wasn’t sure I had the strength left to handle more power. If I didn’t I would be just as dead as a burnout, instead of simply burning up. Not only do we have to suffer through these masteries over and over again, we also have to see everyone solve them in the exact same way. No ingenuity required whatsoever. quote:Soonen and Gerdol were attacking both in front and in back, so to speak. Their attempts to burn me to ash surrounded me completely, but somehow I was now able to perceive a … level they weren’t operating on. I’d never before been aware of that level, but now I could perceive it clearly—and knew I could use it. It would take my ability around the attacks somehow, and if I liked I could even attack in return. FFS. quote:But mounting my own attack didn’t seem wise, not when it would cause a delay in my achieving the final mastery. It would do more good to hit the two so-called Adepts in a way that would hurt them in a different manner, and I knew just the thing. So I turned my attention back to the final feather, burned it cleanly, then slumped against the side of the cubicle and turned a weary smile on Gerdol. FFS!! quote:But now I no longer seemed to want to be free, at least where he was concerned. I kept dreaming about being in his bed tomorrow night, and each of those dreams, both sleeping and awake, were filled with desire. I really, really wanted his arms around me, and tomorrow night I would have them. Super lame attempt at foreshadowing. In addition to only depicting: two types of childhood, two types of parents, two types of sex, etc, Green also only uses two methods of foreshadowing. Either the characters insist that something couldn't possibly be the case, or the characters are super certain something is definitely the case. Regardless of which one, you can bet that it's going to turn out pretty much exactly as mentioned. quote:I simply sat back and smiled, and waited for Gerdol to return with my dins. And a master’s bracelet, which I’d have to remember to question him about. You couldn't just let it go, could you? quote:And tonight … tonight I just might tell Vallant Ro how much I looked forward to being fair… Summary: Day 7 Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 35 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 17 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, group of mystery thugs who hold Hat's gambling debts, Hestir, Morin Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol Vallant: Mirra Agran, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 48 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 34 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 8 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 6 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 38 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 20 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 36 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 21 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: When I was doing the last chapter, I actually forgot we still had a Tamrissa mastery chapter to go–that's how much of a drag these chapters are. And I realized I mislabeled the day for the summaries in the previous posts so I need to go back and fix those. Leng fucked around with this message at 10:52 on Feb 1, 2021 |
# ? Jan 28, 2021 14:00 |
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quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN Would have been nice to find out what those character traits actually are, but Green so carry on with the telling instead of showing. quote:“Ah, good day to you, Lord Homin,” Rigos said as he strolled past the servant holding the door without looking at the man. “Hosting our weekly meeting has given you the benefit of being precisely on time, but I do hope the intrusion won’t disturb your father. How is Lord Aston, by the way?” There is no way that this was secret from anybody who mattered before. quote:Homin’s father had explained that he needed to be out of touch until he was physically fit again, and then he’d shocked Homin by crying while saying a temporary goodbye. He and his father had never been all that close, and the only time they’d cried together was when Mother had died. The same hadn’t happened over Elfini’s death, and in fact they’d never even spoken about her. I think I'm supposed to feel something here? quote:“And how are you bearing up in the aftermath of the tragedy?” Rigos asked as he reached the tea table, pausing to glance at Homin. “I now understand your previous comments about being unable to practice, by the way. I hadn’t realized that Lady Elfini would be so foolish as to interfere in an Advisory matter, but apparently she overestimated her husband’s political strength. You really should have told me, and I would have taken care of the problem.” Spoilers for Book 4 the high nobility are using these competitions as a way to cull their ranks of deadwood quote:“Yes, of course, I should have realized,” Homin murmured as Rigos carried his cup of tea to a chair. What he actually realized was how serious the government really was about that competition business, and how angry they would be when he and his group disobeyed them and won. The thought was enough to make Homin wish he were with another, more docile group, but the wish lasted only a brief time. He still needed to be out and on his own, and then his father’s wives would no longer concern him. Others might think his father had learned to moderate his desires, but Homin knew better. And then he really heard something else Rigos had said. I thought you actually liked your own mom? quote:“Excuse me, sir, but what was that about a residence the group is going to be moved to?” Homin asked while returning to his own chair and cup of tea. “I thought we were told we all had to remain in our own homes.” Some other author would have found a way to make this dialogue flow more naturally without having to literally write things like "I'll tell you about it later so I don't repeat myself" in a series famous for repeating itself. Has some brilliant literary author figured out how to make repetition work in books the way it works in music? Example from music: Steve Reich's Piano Phase, which is normally performed by two pianists but here's a version that's visualized in the browser http://www.pianophase.com/ quote:“No, not yet,” Homin answered with a sigh, resigning himself to discussing the matter he would most prefer to forget. “It took a short while before the investigators were completely convinced that I had nothing to do with the murder, but happily Delin’s father’s household staff works around the clock. I was somewhat upset when I reached the house so Delin told them to keep an eye on me, and they did. One or another servant looked in on me constantly even when I was asleep, and they were able to tell that to the investigators.” Yes this is going exactly where you think it's going. quote:The silence was in the process of growing intense and painful when a happy interruption occurred. Kambil and Bron were shown in together, and while those two were helping themselves to tea, Delin and Selendi arrived together. Homin had known that would happen, but the surprise pulled Rigos out of his brown study. This momentary flash of character will also go nowhere. quote:“And now we can begin,” Rigos said, pulling Homin out of distraction to see that everyone had chosen a seat. “Last week’s report was a satisfying improvement over previous ones, but this week’s is even better. Allow me to congratulate all of you on having achieved your second-level masteries.” Thank goodness we didn't have to read about all of those as well. quote:Murmurs and comments blended into a soft gabble at that, and Rigos smiled his winter smile. I should have started a murmur count but I'm already having enough trouble not messing up the counters every time. Note this and keep it in mind whenever we have a crowd of people. quote:“Yes, that does include Lord Homin, something you all seem to be asking,” he said with his version of amusement. “The excuse of not being able to practice was apparently no excuse after all, as Lord Homin quickly caught up to the rest of you once he had the opportunity to work at it.” Spoilers for Book 4 remember these families have agreed to have their offspring drafted for this farce of a competition knowing that the entire purpose of the competition is to cull the dead wood from their ranks. That's taking the theme of terrible families and parents to the next level, though because Green hasn't tried to foreshadow any of this, if you're reading this for the first time, you have no sense of this whatsoever unless you're doing a close read, which most people wouldn't be, because of all the horrible repetition that makes this such skimmable writing. quote:“You now have two scheduled events before you,” Rigos went on once he’d had his enjoyment. “The first comes on the evening of the first rest day after week’s end, and is a reception being given in the palace. All competing groups will attend, ours as well as theirs, and I’m sure I don’t need to tell you who ‘theirs’ is.” Spoilers for the end of this book the nobles are just as bad at investigating as the protagonists. quote:“What do you mean, we’ll be facing one or more of their groups?” Delin asked, leaning forward with concentration. “We’ve been told nothing about this, so it’s about time we were.” There you have it, it's a knock out style tournament, but with the brackets based on bloodlines instead of seeding Blendings based on ability. quote:“But of course they’ll all lose in the first round,” Bron said with a snort of ridicule. “They’re peasants, aren’t they, which means they don’t stand a chance against us. That also means we’ll only have to face a single group of the rabble, so why will we have to learn about all of them? Why not just the group we’ll be facing?” This will basically not happen. quote:Homin could see the way Bron’s jaw clenched, but the big man didn’t respond to Rigos’s taunting. And then, with a great deal of surprise, the reason for that came to Homin: Bron feared Rigos almost as much as he did! It was a revelation to think that the flamboyant, undisciplined man was no better than Homin in that respect, which definitely made it something to remember. All of this suspicious behavior from Homin should make you suspicious indeed. Book 3 spoilers on a reread I think these are the first signs of Kambil influencing Homin. If Green were a better writer, it would stick out a lot more but unfortunately the rest of her prose is littered with this type of tell not show crap that it really doesn't register on an initial read. quote:“And what’s the second reason?” Kambil asked quietly when no one else did. “I, for one, am grateful for the help that’s been given me, and I intend to continue being grateful—especially for necessary information.” *snore* quote:“What else is there that we need to know?” The least subtle excuse ever for asking a spy to report. quote:His smile was coldly amused as he rose and headed for the door, making no effort to see if Kambil actually followed. But Homin realized he didn’t have to look, since Kambil followed the agent out of the room without hesitation. Kambil was big enough to break Rigos in half, and politically powerful enough to get no more than a slap on the wrist if he ever did. Rigos surely knew that, but he still demanded Kambil’s attention—and got it. Why exactly is it frightening? Summary: Day 7 Rion/Lorand/Jovvi/Vallant/Tamrissa achieves his/her second level mastery by nearly suffocating people to death/exploding some oil, disintegrating some steel and playing with a puma/enraging some people/filling small boxes with water by condensing it from the air/burning things while being attacked, including/despite interference from his/her two Adepts. Homin hosts the next meeting which is a giant infodump explaining the plot for the rest of this book and Book 3. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 35 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 17 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, group of mystery thugs who hold Hat's gambling debts, Hestir, Morin Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol Vallant: Mirra Agran, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 48 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 34 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 8 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 7 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 40 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 20 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 37 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 21 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: The whole purpose of this chapter is exposition about the competitions/tournament. It is stupid and lazy writing. Since this is the method by which the rulers of an entire Empire are selected, the mechanism for how it all works should be common knowledge and part of learning about the history of the Empire. Everyone should already know how many Blendings are to compete and that it's a knockout tournament. The stuff about moving into one residence is neither here nor there–I think it's literally for Green to manufacture co-living drama–so should not be told in advance but shown when it happens, in ways that reveal character or further worldbuilding and/or plot. Green's had 72 chapters across one and a half books to seed in all of this worldbuilding about how the next Seated Blending ascends the Fivefold Throne so the fact that she's choosing to just dump it all here in undisguised expository dialogue is an affront to readers everywhere. Contrast how the Hunger Games handles this: we get all of the info about the Hunger Games via Katniss's internal monologue on the day of the Reaping. In 5,123 words, Chapter One establishes Katniss, her protectiveness of Prim and their mother, the world of the Seam and District 12, her thing with Gale and skill with the bow/survival, the alternate timeline which led to the Capitol and the establishment of the Hunger Games including the rules, Effie Trinket and closes with the inciting incident of Prim's name being reaped. Collins does more in ONE FREAKING CHAPTER than Green does in one and half books. Alternate approach is Will Wight's Cradle. The concept of the Uncrowned King tournament is first introduced in Underlord (Book 6), though we got hints of it at the end of Ghostwater (Book 5). We get little chunks of exposition throughout the early part of the book but the bulk of it is delivered by Yerin to Lindon via dialogue, which you buy because Lindon's from an isolated place in the middle of nowhere and he doesn't know anything about anything. The intricacies of the tournament itself and the rules for each round aren't explained until Uncrowned (Book 7), and Wintersteel (Book 8) focuses entirely on the match ups in the tournament and the character arcs. Arguably you could consider Uncrowned/Wintersteel as one book which was split for publishing schedule reasons, because so many people were pissed off that the book ended in the middle of the tournament. Anyway, I digress. The details about the rules, etc were either conveyed in an official context of "here's a tournament official reminding everyone of what is and isn't allowed" or a character reflecting on "I tried to do this thing and the tournament officials took it off me/allowed it because of how they interpreted the rules" in the context of their strategy and immediate tactics for winning their current round. The rules were constraints and part of the playing field that characters had to navigate in order to be successful. Green's trying to portray a corrupt nobility running things stacking the game. Which is fine! But then she's also written really reactive characters who just sit around being shepherded until they get to the right point in the plot whereby they win because they're born magically powerful. This is so boring–there's no sense of struggle towards the goal, there's no sacrifice that the characters are making, there's not even any character growth or change at all. I think having a backdrop of corrupt nobility/agents is fine, with different factions trying to rig the outcome in their favor. That's natural and believable. It just means that there's either got to be a real sense of an underdog sports story (e.g. skill/dedication beats resources or whatever) or a story that's less focused on the magical battles and more on the political shenanigans behind the scenes (e.g. political intrigue, assassinations, bribery, extortion, financial scheming, etc). Leng fucked around with this message at 10:51 on Feb 1, 2021 |
# ? Jan 29, 2021 04:49 |
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What gets me about the tournament structure that is so belabored in these books is that despite everyone in the testing authority being in on the conspiracy, they seem to go out of their way to make things seem "fair" for no reason. Things like shuffling Tamrissa around on Day 1 so that she's as exhausted as the out-of-towners, the multiple levels of mastery required to advance to the next level, or randomly shuffling the pairings of the peasant vs noble Blendings...ultimately they aren't impactful since the whole thing is rigged, so their only purpose is to put on a show of balance to placate the participants. Except no one would comment on these extra fairness measures or notice their absence if they weren't explicitly called out by the testing authority in the first place. (And they are particularly unnecessary because all of the participants are under the influence of mind control and can be ordered to think everything is fine.) Ultimately it seems like their only purpose might be to fool the reader into thinking the testing authority is behaving fairly, except we also see them cackling to themselves in secret board meetings so we know that's not true either. quote:
Up until today I thought that "whiskers" and "mustache" were synonyms but apparently not. (Follow that link for some surprise erotica that inexplicably made it through dictionary editing.) If mustache is the upper lip and whiskers are the chin and/or cheeks, then Gerdol might look something like this:
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# ? Jan 29, 2021 17:48 |
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wizzardstaff posted:What gets me about the tournament structure that is so belabored in these books is that despite everyone in the testing authority being in on the conspiracy, they seem to go out of their way to make things seem "fair" for no reason. I think we might actually get to the canon reason in either this book or the next one. Actually, wait, I think it's Book 4 there are independent judges or a panel of commoners or whatever the term is who are on the lookout to ensure there's no been no tampering by the nobles organizing the competitions, I think we'll get a passing reference to it in an Eltrina or Embisson POV. Then in Book 4, Meerk is one of them and he's shattered - first when Lorand breaks it to him when they're at the challenges for the Seated High in Earth magic, and then Tamrissa breaks it again when he's rescued the protagonists because he thought the noble Blending won fair and square. wizzardstaff posted:Up until today I thought that "whiskers" and "mustache" were synonyms but apparently not. (Follow that link for some surprise erotica that inexplicably made it through dictionary editing.) If mustache is the upper lip and whiskers are the chin and/or cheeks, then Gerdol might look something like this: that's uh, distinctive.
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# ? Jan 30, 2021 12:50 |
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quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT I don't know why you bother, Delin, Kambil's got Spirit magic so how you're feeling is no secret at all. quote:“I wonder what that’s all about,” Bron said, still watching the door Delin had turned away from. “And I hadn’t realized those two were such good friends.” Bron could be replaced with a life sized cardboard cutout of him and I'm pretty sure other than the actual magic stuff which comprises like 1% of the actual books, he wouldn't be missed. quote:Bron grunted his agreement with the suggestion as Delin rose, but he didn’t seem very happy about doing it. Something was obviously bothering Bron, but at least he had the good sense not to mention whatever it was while Rigos was still in the house. For all they knew, the agent might be simply standing and listening at the door, with Kambil out there in the hall just to fool them. Kambil would be unable to call out and warn them; if he tried it, Rigos would be instantly certain that they were up to something. you guys are High talents, maybe just freaking open up to the power and sense where they are? quote:All of which convinced Delin that the time had come to rid them all permanently of Rigos’s presence. As he poured tea into his cup, Delin frowned, wishing it were possible to save Rigos for a more lingering and painful ending. That was something he’d been looking forward to, but now he had to admit that waiting would simply be too dangerous. Rigos already knew them far too well, and if he discovered the least hint of what they were up to he would inform on them at once. So here's a massive plothole: we know from way back in early Book 1 that all of the commoner Blendings were given mind control drugs. What about the noble Blendings? Spoilers for Book 3 they weren't, or at least weren't drugged with the same control phrase, because Delin sends the information to the protagonists in a letter and if you're keyed to that phrase, even seeing the words would trigger you. That means if the noble Blendings WERE drugged, they were given a different control phrase. How exactly were the organizers planning to force the other noble Blendings to lose to their handpicked Blending, especially when Book 3 spoilers that handpicked Blending is significantly weaker than every other Blending? Everything we've seen so far indicates that no Middle could ever defeat a High head to head, which means there's no way a Middle Blending could ever defeat a High Blending head to head either. Were there going to be a bunch of Spirit magic link groups off to the side standing at the ready? And as we'll see in the later books, Puredan isn't exactly hard to come by if you're a noble with enough gold and the right agents, which all of these people sound like they would be? quote:And as it happened, Delin knew exactly how to get rid of Rigos without any of the group getting involved. His frown turned to a smile as he remembered how easily the plan had come to him, appearing complete and fully detailed when he awoke two days ago. If that didn’t show that his destiny was for greatness, nothing else would. A problem arose, but the true leader of the group already had an answer to take care of it. Hmmmmn...a fully formed plan just magically appearing in your thoughts? Spoilers for the end of Book 3 Kambil hard at work here. quote:“How long are they going to be out there?” Selendi demanded as she stood and flounced over to refill her own teacup. “I mean, just how long does it take to give a man a message from a girl?” An exchange between these two facsimiles of mediocre characters is the last thing I want to read, in an already incredibly boring sequence. quote:Her words broke off as the door opened again, just a heartbeat before Delin would have broken up the squabble. Kambil came back in, closing the door again behind him. This is as subtle as Green gets with her butler and maid dialogue. No wonder she had to characterize all these people as incompetent idiots–it's to give her an excuse for her bad writing. quote:“Oh, yes, that business about repeating things said by members of other groups at parties,” Delin interrupted, only now remembering about it. “So you made things up and he liked them, did he?” I seriously want to know what incentive these guys have been given to toe the party line about not winning the Throne. Like, what kind of incentive can you give people to NOT seize ultimate power in a oliarchy? (is that right? since obviously not a monarchy?) quote:“It better be that way,” Bron growled, glaring another moment at Kambil before switching his stare to Delin. “And you and I have something to discuss. I’m the leader of this group, and I didn’t like the way you made it look as if you and Kambil were. Maybe Selendi needs help to get to a meeting on time, but I don’t need anyone nursemaiding me.” This stupid jockeying for position is also something I don't want to read about. Like exploring the power dynamic in a Blending seems all well and good, but like everything else with Green, she's only going to portray two possibilities: everyone is in full equal poly love awesomeness OR everyone is totally obsessed with being the acknowledged "leader". Neither situation makes allowances for power dynamics due to conflicts between characters' motives/morals/values because I'm pretty sure her characters don't have any. quote:And now we can get to discussing these other things Rigos wants us to do. I happen to have made plans for the time we’re supposed to be at that reception, so I say we ‘forget’ to go.” Not-spoilers: Bron will do absolutely nothing at the reception. quote:“Now we’re up to this business about moving into a residence together,” Bron said after a short pause. “That happens to be something I approve of, since we’ll then be out from under our fathers’ thumbs. As long as we don’t get in the way of each other’s private lives, things should work out nicely.” We don't really get the ages of the noble Blending clearly stated in text but it's safe to assume that they're also about 18-22. Since coming of age seems to be at about 15 in the Blendingverse and also that they're nobles and therefore living at the family estate is a normal thing, this should be an unusual step, but unfortunately the only thing going through my head is this: quote:“And as long as the place is decent,” Selendi apparently felt compelled to add again. “I simply refuse to live in a shack, and I expect the rest of you to back me up on this. Unless one of you wants to live in a shack.” Spoilers for Book 3 when we find out more about Blendings we'll be told that Fire is the talent responsible for attack and defence, and Spirit is for balancing and we will not get any other information about what the other talents are supposed to do. Though you would think that Water being the elemental opposite of Fire should in theory be a pretty important part of defence since all magical combat by Blending in the arena basically boils down to "burn the other guys with Fire" which frustrates me no end because they just don't even try with any aspect. quote:Homin tried to tell them that they were welcome to stay for a while and visit, but everyone seemed to feel as smothered by that old house with its tasteless furnishings as Delin did. They all claimed prior commitments and escaped, and in just a few minutes Delin was in his carriage and on his way back home. Repeating my request for somebody good at/interested in writing detective procedurals to do a rewrite of this sequence from the perspective of the investigators of Elfini's death because this could legitimately be interesting. If anyone likes checking out goon works in progress, newts has a CC thread (detectives in an alt-universe with psychic powers) going on which I've been following with interest. quote:Then would come the fourth step, which would be the “accidental” meeting with Atri Folgar, a girl pretty enough to make you forget that her father was one of the Advisors’ top investigators—and that she was bright as well as pretty. Delin usually chatted and flirted with her, but this time his chatting would casually mention how strange his group’s “protector” Rigos was. It would turn out that Delin had heard someone say something about Rigos and Elfini, a passing comment that had made him believe Rigos was more closely involved with Elfini than anyone had realized. Then Delin would make a delicately rude comment about the tastes of some men before changing the subject. Or, you know, if you bothered to talk with Homin, or if Green had structured this sequence better, you could just use the truth that Elfini and Rigos had beef without needing to make anything up. quote:Which ought to make Atri mention the conversation to her father. That part of the ploy was dangerous, but not overly so. Since a weapon had been used to commit the murder rather than ability, no one should suspect a man with High ability. Rigos was the one who would come under suspicion, enough of it for the investigators to bring in a Middle talent strong enough to locate hidden, finished metal. The buried knife stood out sharply to Delin’s least probe, so even a Middle talent ought to be able to find it. OMFG, if you had Earth magic talents on the investigative team who are effectively walking DNA dowsers, why would you NOT search the premises? That's like murder scene 101, or something. Either Green has never watched a crime procedural or the investigators in this world are just incompetent. Maybe it's both. quote:“And his trial ought to be quite entertaining,” Delin murmured to the passing scenery. “He’ll be arrested at once, of course, but the trial might well be delayed until the new Five are enthroned. If so, I’ll enjoy the time even more.” Delin shows a bizarre lack of understanding of how trials work in this world. Which is another bizarre plot hole of sorts, since he's supposed to be a well educated noble. We'll see an actual trial in Book 3. quote:Delin chuckled again, picturing Rigos’s father disassociating himself rather than trying to help Rigos. With the victim a member of the high nobility, no one would get away with no more than a slap on the wrist for committing the crime. But even if Rigos were to get away with it, Delin would be far from disappointed. The man would still be ruined, which meant no one would notice if he suddenly disappeared. That last sentence is a horrid mess that no competent copyeditor would have approved for print. Summary: Day 7 Rion/Lorand/Jovvi/Vallant/Tamrissa achieves his/her second level mastery by nearly suffocating people to death/exploding some oil, disintegrating some steel and playing with a puma/enraging some people/filling small boxes with water by condensing it from the air/burning things while being attacked, including/despite interference from his/her two Adepts. Homin hosts the next meeting which is a giant infodump explaining the plot for the rest of this book and Book 3. Delin spends the rest of the meeting planning to pin Elfini's murder on Rigos. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 35 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 17 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, group of mystery thugs who hold Hat's gambling debts, Hestir, Morin Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol Vallant: Mirra Agran, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 50 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 35 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 8 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 8 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 40 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 20 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 38 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 21 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Assuming that Rewrite Book 2 has a murder somewhere either at the end of Act I or at the midpoint of Act II, then I would in all likelihood do a subplot from the POV of the investigators. It's way more interesting keeping the identity of the killer secret and having multiple suspects, than the way Green handles it (Book 4 spoilers it was Kambil. Delin wanted to kill Elfini but got stage fright and forced Kambil to murder her and then Kambil messed around with his memories and this reveal was just not really that great in the scheme of things honestly). Alternatively, if we're going to know who did it, then the consequences need to actually be real (which despite what's said over and over in text, there are no real consequences to Elfini's murder). Or it needs to happen like Words of Radiance spoilers Adolin shafting Sadeas in a fit of opportunistic rage rather than as a pre-mediated attempt so it's more of a "uh oh, that went further than I intended" so that it escalates the plot in one of those "did it work? yes AND this also happened" things. Or Jade City spoilers the one plot thing that happened that I did like was at the end of Part I where Lan fends off Bero's murder attempt but dies because he's OD'd on SN1 and falls into the harbor and drowns. That was one of the moments that stood out in a book which overall I felt was just okay. Leng fucked around with this message at 10:50 on Feb 1, 2021 |
# ? Jan 30, 2021 13:35 |
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Those independent investigators must be utter crap at their jobs, if the corruption in the testing authority runs so deep that multiple Middles of each aspect are openly cheating against applicants and no one has said anything.quote:OMFG, if you had Earth magic talents on the investigative team who are effectively walking DNA dowsers, why would you NOT search the premises? That's like murder scene 101, or something. Either Green has never watched a crime procedural or the investigators in this world are just incompetent. Maybe it's both. This sort of thing is all over Green's worldbuilding and it reminds me of the way some people approach magic in D&D. They'll take a spell like Create Water and decide they're going to go make a killing selling drinks in a desert community--because despite being a basic spell that requires virtually no effort in the magic system, no one in the world has thought of this before and that economic niche is entirely unfilled. It's a consequence of not thinking through the effects would be on society of such a fundamental change to the world.
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# ? Jan 30, 2021 15:58 |
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We literally never see any of those independent observers, ever. They're just kind of mentioned by other characters during other boring conversations and meetings. And I vaguely remember something about that they only get brought in later once Blendings have formed and not before, so that might be Green's explanation, but we'll see!wizzardstaff posted:It's a consequence of not thinking through the effects would be on society of such a fundamental change to the world. This!! I don't expect every writer to go to Sanderson/Tolkien levels of worldbuilding but there needs to be some bare minimum effort otherwise I just keep getting kicked out of a story that I'm trying my best to enjoy.
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# ? Jan 31, 2021 12:17 |
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quote:CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE Dun dun dun! (yes it's what you think it is) quote:“I’m sorry for being late, everyone,” Tamrissa said with an embarrassed smile meant for all of them as she took her place at the table. “I managed to exhaust myself during those tests, and it was hard to get up even after sleeping all day. Has anyone sent a servant to see what’s keeping Dom Holter?” This is still the stupidest arrangement ever. Not just from the poorly thought out logistics, or the inefficient use of a very senior person's time, but also the fact that you never want more money flying around than can actually be helped. That's just asking for fraud to happen. quote:“Now to the news that I think will please you,” the woman went on, apparently ignoring the lack of enthusiasm over her attempt at humor. “Tomorrow morning you’ll all be going to the first of the competitions, where victory will mean the gold you were promised. Doesn’t that sound good?” This concept really boggles me. Palaces in monarchies are important locations and heaps of people work there, or go there to do business or as supplicants, etc. There was some random mention that noble houses have seats in an assembly - does that assembly not meet here? Are the monarchs ceremonial figureheads? What is the balance of power between the Advisory Board and the assembly and the monarchs? This is kind of important if you're trying to set up a political intrigue which is coming in a few books! Why didn't we get this kind of info from the noble POVs that were introduced instead of the boring crap we got instead? quote:“That’s very exciting news, Lady Eltrina,” Tamrissa said, and there was a sparkle of excitement in her beautiful eyes. “I’m sure we’ll all do our best, but I wish you’d waited for Dom Holter to join us before telling us about it. He’ll be disappointed that he missed hearing it directly from you.” FINALLY. But don't get too excited, they don't learn to Blend until the next book. So we still have to suffer through the rest of this one and a third of the next one. quote:“There don’t seem to be any questions,” Eltrina said brightly after looking around at them. “That means I can now leave you to enjoy your meal, but don’t worry if a question occurs to you later. I’ll also be at the reception, and those of you who attend can ask me then. Good night, all.” Who goes to a party with the intent to gain information when they suspect they're in the middle of a conspiracy? Not these guys! They never do anything! quote:The woman turned and left the room after giving them an airy wave of her hand, but for a moment no one seemed able to speak or move. Vallant knew exactly how they felt, and it was a definite relief when Jovvi sighed and leaned back in her chair. Just because you're an rear end in a top hat doesn't mean everyone else is. quote:“I’m sorry, Dama Domon, but I intend to go right to bed after dinner,” he replied in the most neutral tone he was capable of, making sure not to look at her. “Tomorrow will be a difficult day for some of us, so I’m afraid the conversation will have to be saved for another time.” Seriously, stop projecting on her! quote:Which, considering where the competition would be held, wasn’t very likely. And he’d been the fool who’d wanted to get to the first competition because it suited his mood. Well, there was no arguing that it certainly did suit his mood now… I should probably be more fixated on Vallant's sudden depression and belief that he's not gonna make it in. If only I was actually convinced his claustrophobia wasn't just a convenient plot device that only kicks in whenever the author needs it for drama. quote:* * * Replace the non-performing individual or replace the Blending as a whole? It's never actually quite clear! Also something that the books don't really go into: you can Blend with multiple people but it's super unclear what happens later once Book 3 spoilers the Blending is bonded or Book 8 spoilers the bonds become permanent. I'd hazard that the first stage isn't a deal breaker but I would have thought the second would definitely cause issues. And what happens if Book 8 spoilers a permanently bonded Blending loses one of its members? Do the remaining surviving members still retain access to all aspects or are they left with whatever aspects of the alive Blending members remaining? It's an interesting angle to explore which means Green obviously doesn't do anything with it. But if I do a rewritten book 2, I will! quote:But the peasant Holter would not be returned to this residence if that beautiful man Ro happened to fail in his attempts to keep up. Holter had actually begun to settle in as a full member of the group, proving how little taste those lowborn commoners had for encouraging such a thing. The man was a peasant even to them, after all… I don't see how? Vallant and Tamrissa are rich merchant kids, fine, but Jovvi's a street kid turned high end courtesan and Books 3 and 5 spoilers Rion's actually the son of servants in Hallina Mardimil's household so he's commonborn too and Lorand is a farmboy. Pagin is an hostler/stablehand so I'm a bit like...eh? Or are we measuring class by net worth? In which case none of them can access any of their money so technically Pagin's not even the poorest. Rion is, because he gave away an entire silver to the servant who told him Naran was there to see him. quote:But Holter was gone, leaving Ro and his problem—and his ever-growing feud with the Domon female. Her spies had told her that they’d even stopped speaking, and she herself had heard, just a moment ago, the way the man had refused to grant the girl even a handful of minutes of his time. And this is the exact point where Eltrina goes from a potentially interesting character to yet another cardboard cutout. quote:And while she enjoyed herself completing her plans, Lord Ollon, her superior in the testing authority and current lover, would have his tragic accident. It was already mostly arranged—although there had been an unforeseen and annoying delay—and afterward Eltrina would go from second in command to being completely in charge. Her political position and power would more than triple, and finally, at long last, she would be in charge of her own destiny. This woman, who has so far been the most competent of the antagonists, does not seem to think that offing her boss (and also lover) would make her the prime suspect in any murder investigation. quote:After something tragic happened to her husband as well, she added silently without the amusement. The tiresome pig had been bothering her even more than usual, and she didn’t yet dare refuse him. He wasn’t above tossing her aside if he grew displeased, and after she’d given him so much. Well, that debt would soon be repaid, the first of quite a few… And if by some miracle of the Highest Aspect that the same idiotic investigators charged with solving Elfini's murder were also assigned to investigate Ollon's murder, and happened to overlook Eltrina as the prime suspect, I'm pretty sure they'd fix that real quick once her husband died suspiciously too! quote:Eltrina felt a surge of impatience, but used the sight of the beautifully calm night to help push it away. Everything was going perfectly, and that despite the efforts of a great many fools. That group looking for applicants who fit the description of the Chosen Five in the Prophecies, for instance. She’d had to let them paw through her notes and records in order to get rid of them, but she hadn’t let them see the private reports she’d had assembled. Just about everyone in her residences fit the Prophecy in one way or another, but only if you knew everything about them. Because the Prophecies are super vague and aren't even good prophecies. quote:So Eltrina hadn’t let the searchers know everything. They would have intruded with their ridiculous investigation and ruined all her plans, and she refused to allow anyone to do that, especially not for nonsensical gibberish. People who believed in the collection of fairy tales called the Prophecy were fools, and Eltrina had never suffered fools gladly. After the reception she would tell her people about forming challenging Blendings without the interference of idiots, and then… Please write Eltrina as the sole competent person who gets things done–and done right!–in a corrupt organization full of idiots instead. That would be a much more interesting story. quote:And then Eltrina would have what she’d ached for for so long. Freedom, and power, and all the wonderful things that went with them… She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, actually tasting what would so soon be hers… But no, Green's just gonna go down this generic route instead. Summary: Day 7 Rion/Lorand/Jovvi/Vallant/Tamrissa achieves his/her second level mastery by nearly suffocating people to death/exploding some oil, disintegrating some steel and playing with a puma/enraging some people/filling small boxes with water by condensing it from the air/burning things while being attacked, including/despite interference from his/her two Adepts. Eltrina tells them the competitions begin tomorrow and Pagin's been moved to a different residence. Homin hosts the next meeting which is a giant infodump explaining the plot for the rest of this book and Book 3. Delin spends the rest of the meeting planning to pin Elfini's murder on Rigos. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 35 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 18 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, group of mystery thugs who hold Hat's gambling debts, Hestir, Morin Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol Vallant: Mirra Agran, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 50 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 35 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 8 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 9 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 40 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 20 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 38 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 21 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: The purpose of this entire chapter was to tell the protagonists that the competitions begin tomorrow. We still have another chapter of dinner to go, where they're going to recap and discuss everything that happened that day (meaning yes, we will have to read about them talking about the masteries that we've seen five times already, and yes, everybody will need to have their say). This level of brokenness is just not fixable. There's a reason why I diverged so much in my rewrite of Book 1. You cannot take a turd like this and make it into something it's not.
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# ? Jan 31, 2021 12:52 |
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quote:CHAPTER THIRTY Still the most likeable one by far, because we'll see him do exactly this by the end of this chapter. I suspect if I went and only read the Rion POV chapters in all of the canon books, I would be way less exasperated at the end of it and I probably wouldn't have missed any critical information either. quote:“I had a surprise today,” Lorand Coll said suddenly, breaking a silence which had continued since their food had first been brought. “Holter’s having been moved out reminded me, even though Holter will be missed and he wasn’t. Eskin Drowd showed up in the testing area today.” I'd buy this kind of talk being melodramatic for the sake of making a point, but honestly with 3/5 of the protagonists having a hair trigger as far as magical and other forms of violence against other people go, it's kind of hard not to take Rion being literal about it. Considering Lorand could probably do both of the things suggested. quote:“I can’t say I wasn’t tempted,” Coll agreed sourly. “Even after ‘eating my dust’ for so many days, as one Adept put it, Drowd was still sneering with imagined superiority when he saw me. I could also see that he was waiting for me to fail, so I decided I couldn’t let that happen. If I hadn’t been too tired afterward to think of it, I would have thanked him for helping me to succeed.” I think I should be thankful that Green didn't give each of them a nemesis amongst their other fellow applicants, because otherwise we'd have to hear about 3 other people in the same vein as Eskin and Beldara. quote:“Yes to both,” Tamrissa agreed. “I certainly did respond during the last exercise, but only because Soonen suddenly had the help of Adept Gerdol in attacking me.” Rion started at hearing that, and apparently so did everyone else at the table. “For some reason they both tried to burn me to ash, but I couldn’t return the favor without missing out on my last mastery. So I drew in more power than I’d ever used before, and worked around their attack to complete the exercise. Pretending I didn’t even notice their efforts scared the starch out of them, but it used up so much of my strength that once I finished eating a really large meal, all I wanted to do was sleep.” And that's the cue! quote:“Now isn’t that an odd coincidence,” Jovvi commented, looking around as she said it. “I had almost the same experience, and apparently so did everyone else. Genovir and Algus tried to gang up on me, but I was able to overcome them and gain the mastery. Afterward it became perfectly clear why they were so deferential yesterday after I gained the first-level masteries. They knew they would try to interfere with me during the second-level testing, and wanted to give me a reason to go easy with them if I ended up victorious.” This whole exchange just reads like a very boring transcript. If we didn't have that opening thought about Naran, I honestly wouldn't be able to tell which POV we're in. quote:“Subservient behavior in front of a superior,” Coll agreed with a nod. “That’s what works with lower animals, so now we know what they think of us—if there was any doubt before.” From this point onwards, there will be a lot of one group referencing another group as "animals", in addition to "peasants", etc. quote:“But they were also frightened because they weren’t certain it would work,” Rion pointed out. “They claimed they were under orders and did the same with every applicant, but for some reason I didn’t believe them. My personal guess is that they do it only with those whom they consider unacceptably strong.” So the standard practice is two Middles against a third level High. This is stupid on so many levels. quote:“How can someone in our position be ‘unacceptably strong’?” Ro suddenly demanded, his previous dark mood still obviously with him. “Those bastards could have killed me, or at least come close enough to it to break my nerve. After that my decidin’ to stick it out would be meaningless. When it finally came down to it, I’d be—” You guys have all been drugged? I know you don't know this but the testing authority does, so this makes zero sense. Pulling this kind of stuff only makes people who weren't suspicious before suspicious–and if they were already deep in territory, well you just confirmed it. quote:“I think, under other circumstances, I would find my appetite gone now,” Jovvi commented, staring down at the food in her plate. “Confusion often does that to me, and right now I’m very confused because of what we were told only a short while ago. We have to win the competition tomorrow, or we don’t get to go to the reception the day after.” The only reason these guys are getting away with this is not because they're so good at fooling the spies but because the spies are inept. quote:Rion joined Jovvi and Coll in assuring her it was quite all right to mention something without relevance to the conversation, but that was just as much of a lie as Tamrissa’s apology. The girl had had an excellent thought, and had found a way to mention it to the rest of them without alerting any servant who might be listening. And Green has to hammer the point home. quote:The fact had slipped Rion’s mind, but that first competition would be on the order of a foot race. Each participant would be striving to be best, but against time and situation rather than directly against each other. How does Rion know this? Eltrina didn't say anything about it. Has he been secretly sitting on actual knowledge of what the competitions are like? Would have been good to share that before, buddy! quote:And in a foot race, it was possible to win by a single body length as easily as by ten or twenty yards. If they pretended that that was the best they could do, who would be able to prove otherwise? And then a thought of his own occurred to him. Which we will be reading about five times in the next sequence of chapters. quote:The rest of the meal passed in relative silence, and once it was over Vallant Ro was the first to leave, with Jovvi right behind him. Ro had seemed to be struggling with some sort of strong emotion while Tamrissa told them about the way she’d been attacked, but the man hadn’t said anything to her afterward. It was possible his struggle had had nothing to do with Tamrissa, but that was something Rion had no time to worry about. Every single meal is like this. And we're supposed to buy that these people are closer than blood. We're already looked at how none of the romantic pairings are based on anything other than 1) physical attraction and 2) the order in which they met each other. As a group, they don't even chat generally! All of the dialogue at meetings at various common meal times/coach rides/shared baths go exactly like this: recap the day, realize the same poo poo happened to everyone, speculate on the testing authority's shenanigans, agree to "move forward", rinse, repeat. There's barely ever any character moments and if the dialogue tags weren't there, you'd be hard pressed to figure out who's talking. quote:If he were going to ask Tamrissa’s help with his own problem, it had to be now. In other words, you know precisely why you included Lorand? quote:“Well, all right, but just for a short while,” Tamrissa agreed after a moment, looking really weary. “I needed to get this food into me, but I need more sleep just as much.” I'm still struggling to figure out exactly what bothers me about the whole group dynamic. Possibly because we're more than half way through Book 2 and we're still in the freaking forming/storming phases except not really, since there has been no jockeying for de facto leadership of the group (Jovvi's probably come the closest) or real conflicts except for the Valissa drama. I don't get the sense that there is any semblance of a group, except for the forced communal living situation. quote:Tamrissa had gotten to her feet before he reached her, and the girl looked more distracted than unsteady. She did, however, take the offer of his arm, and they made a small, slow procession to the library. Once there he tried to seat her, but she shook her head with a small smile. Annnnd suddenly we're going to make a sharp left turn into pseudo Shakespearean mistaken identity/swap places subplots. quote:“The suggestion is excellent,” Rion said with his own brows high. “What I can’t seem to picture, however, is how I might accomplish it. It’s a virtual certainty that Mother’s people have at least one house servant in their employ, which means I’m under almost constant observation.” Firstly, Lorand had friends who weren't Hat? Like who? We've been in Lorand's head so much already and I literally have no idea. You would think one and half books in, I probably should, shouldn't I? Secondly, are you all forgetting that PEOPLE IN YOUR WORLD HAVE MAGIC!!! Like okay, visually Rion and Lorand might be able to pass for each other as two out of the three triplets from different mothers, but if the spy is an Earth or Spirit magic talent, don't you guys think that things like your bodily reactions/heart rate/thoughts/emotions/mind would be quite different??? What am I saying, nobody actually uses magic except for when Green remembers that she gave everyone magic. quote:“And you really don’t mind?” Rion asked, looking from one to the other of them. “I’ve never had anyone willing to do things for me without being paid, and certainly nothing like this. How can I ever thank you?” Write Rion kissing Lorand's hand as well! quote:exchanged a handshake with Coll ...oh come on. quote:before turning and hurrying out of the room. Rion hadn’t cried in quite a long time, but certainly felt like doing so now. We're supposed to read this as Rion being so in love but it just comes off as an incel super excited about getting laid for the third time in his life. Summary: Day 7 Rion/Lorand/Jovvi/Vallant/Tamrissa achieves his/her second level mastery by nearly suffocating people to death/exploding some oil, disintegrating some steel and playing with a puma/enraging some people/filling small boxes with water by condensing it from the air/burning things while being attacked, including/despite interference from his/her two Adepts. Eltrina tells them the competitions begin tomorrow and Pagin's been moved to a different residence. Rion enlists Tamrissa and Lorand to help him sneak off and visit Naran in secret. Homin hosts the next meeting which is a giant infodump explaining the plot for the rest of this book and Book 3. Delin spends the rest of the meeting planning to pin Elfini's murder on Rigos. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 35 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 18 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, group of mystery thugs who hold Hat's gambling debts, Hestir, Morin Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol Vallant: Mirra Agran, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 50 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 35 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 8 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 10 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 40 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 20 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 38 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 21 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: The canon book titles have always bugged me because I think they picked the right words but slapped them on the cover of the wrong books. Even without any wholesale changes to the canon plot or characters:
The learning how to Blending arc will be quite tricky, because it's all about how disparate individuals learn to work together as a group, rather than focusing on the mechanics of the magic. Things that probably should have come up in Green's books but didn't:
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# ? Feb 1, 2021 12:18 |
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quote:CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE A guy respecting your decision to not get into a romantic relationship is a "small favor"? quote:“Is everything all right?” Tamma said suddenly, startling Jovvi. “I don’t mean to pry, but that sigh sounded like one of mine.” but yeah I'm not into this on/off thing driven entirely by misunderstandings either. quote:“Yesterday morning, after the testing, I decided I did,” she agreed, back to being glum. “It was probably a residual of all that power affecting me, but I made up my mind to at least try. That’s why I asked to speak to him last night after dinner, but now it looks like he’s changed his mind.” "Wow, two adults should not be in a serious relationship unless they're both genuinely committed to it, Jovvi you're so wise" quote:“That means I’m going to take your advice, so that takes care of my disturbance. Now what about yours?” Nice to see the blatant moralizing going both ways. I mean, not really, I would rather that there be no blatant moralizing at all, but at least everyone gets a go. quote:Of course those were the two best options, but— You two are literally interchangeable sometimes. Find "Spirit" and replace with "Fire" and all that. quote:“If it was easy—or even often possible—to help someone get around the fear of burnout, people would be doing it all the time. Holding his hand during testing wouldn’t work even if I were able to do it, so what else is there?” Not-spoilers, she's just going to trip over this in the next book or so as a result of the events at the end of this chapter. quote:but in the meanwhile I owe you congratulations. You’ve grown to the point of discovering that other people’s problems are usually easier to solve than your own.” We just read about this last chapter. I don't need a recap! quote:“I wasn’t joking about how excited the idea of it made me feel, but that was last night. This morning I’m afraid I’ll do something horrible to embarrass myself if I go, so maybe I’d be best off staying home.” OMFG don't even. quote:So it looks like I will be trying to win the competition, but not by too much of a lead. It won’t be easy to manage to just win, and I suppose that’s why I was thinking about not even trying. I was really tired yesterday and not at all interested in making the effort, and something of that carried over to this morning. But now I feel back to my usual self, so I’ll see what I can do.” That last sentence is going to be a recurring saying throughout the rest of these books. quote:“I wonder if they’ll have someone there at my competition who can tell things like that,” Tamma said, now sounding worried. “I wouldn’t put it past them, and I don’t know if I can fool someone like that.” Doesn't Gandistra have like five universities? They need to get one of the competent academics into the testing authority to set up these "experiments" because whoever is currently in charge (which because Ollon and Eltrina seem to be managing the residents but not the Adepts or the competitions themselves) is incompetent. quote:“I just thought of something else,” Tamma said, sudden disturbance straightening her in the seat. “We’ve been talking and thinking about a foot race, which seems to be a phrase used by all of our guides. But what if we’re actually required to perform one at a time, and we don’t get to go last? How will we know how much strength to use?” Green has a talent for making something that should be exciting incredibly boring. quote:The coach started to move again, but the distance to Jovvi’s own area wasn’t long enough to be of any practical use. When the coach stopped again near the symbol for Spirit magic, she still hadn’t been visited with inspiration. Jovvi, who knows exactly what everyone wants to do, is obligingly going along with it, because...reasons. WHHHHY. quote:Well, however it was supposed to go, Jovvi opened herself even more widely to her talent. It was hardly likely that the crowds contained many people who would be on her side, and Jovvi would need as much help against the other sort as she could get. Jovvi can now directly control other people! The only difference is that she had to open up to more of the power yesterday. The implication is this is the range and sensitivity of a High, except that spoilers for the rest of the series we'll get plenty of examples of Middles in Spirit magic doing the same kind of manipulation and control that Jovvi can so this makes no sense. quote:“Don’t be shy or frightened, dear,” Genovir said suddenly, and Jovvi realized she’d stopped following the so-called Adept and had come to a complete halt. “But if you’ve changed your mind about the tea, I understand perfectly.” I would have vastly preferred to have Algus here again, because that would have been more interesting. But why do Adepts need to babysit all of the competitors? Why would you not just have signage and dedicated competitions staff handling all of these mundane tasks of shepherding people to the right places and giving instructions? quote:Then the awareness of Genovir slipped away as Jovvi became aware of the crowd instead. She’d wondered if all those people had been ordered to be there as decorations for a carefully set scene, but that didn’t seem to be the case. Most of them were there completely voluntarily, with something about betting behind their thoughts. But not betting that they meant to do today, with the upcoming competition. To them, this was more of a time of research and investigation… Isn't it so convenient that Jovvi can skim read minds at large now? What a handy way to get your exposition across! quote:Genovir reached the large resin building and went through the open doorway without hesitation, simply glancing back to make sure that Jovvi still followed. Jovvi did, and when she also stepped inside it was to see one large, open floor without partitions or rooms. Six people stood in a loose group on the far side, people who were drugged and therefore meant to be subjects. Perhaps ten feet closer to the door was a thick white line painted on the floor, and no one but the subjects stood beyond that line. Is this Empire, one that is so focused on class segregation, so small that there are no differences in accent, intonation or figures of speech between the nobility and commoners? Like you should literally be able to tell if you're talking to someone of the nobility! quote:“There are ten participants competing today, and you, of course, are one of them,” Lomad said, slowing to walk beside Jovvi rather than in front of her. “Everyone is now here, so we’ll be starting in just a little while. Please have a seat among the other participants, and the rules of the competition will be explained to you shortly.” We know from Eltrina's earlier POV there are SIX residences ready to be formed into Blendings. Taking out the spares, that should be five actual competitors total. Spoilers for the end of this book there will be five common Blendings who show up to the reception at the palace, all conveniently color coded for their noble counterparts. So why is Jovvi only competing against two others? Where are the other two? quote:She sensed a … depth of ability in the two that was missing in everyone else, and she probably wouldn’t have been able to reach through to them if they’d opened to the power. But they hadn’t opened themselves, undoubtedly because the competition hadn’t yet started, and they were as conditioned as everyone else against using their ability when they weren’t specifically supposed to. Would have been helpful to have this worldbuilding BACK IN BOOK ONE. There you go, the general populace has been slipped minor amounts of Puredan or under loose Spirit magic control. Spoilers for sequel series Green seems to have forgotten about this because it's never dealt with once the protagonists become Seated. quote:That newest question disturbed Jovvi even more, but there was no time now to think about it and consider ramifications. The building had been filling with observers during the time Jovvi was lost in her thoughts, and now there seemed to be very little room left. The rumbling mumble of muted conversation also filled every part of the large room, at least until Lomad stepped out of the crowd and across the line to hold up both of his hands. Will she remember this important insight and investigate it given that they have someone who was raised as a noble in their residence? Nah. There's other manufactured drama instead. quote:“Friends, please give me your attention,” he called, and one after the other the muted conversations stopped until there was silence. “Thank you, my friends, and welcome to one of the last basic competitions of this year. Today we have ten participants, and they’re seated right over there.” Hello, nameless Seated High in Spirit magic! quote:“As many of you know, this basic competition is very simple,” Lomad continued when the polite applause ended. “The six subjects will be cued to exhibit five different emotions, with only one pair sharing the same emotion at any one time. Our participants will be given a list of those emotions in a set order, and will need to change each subject from the emotion he or she exhibits to the next emotion on the list.” Hate to break it to you, but you don't need Spirit magic to read a crowd. Just normal listening and observing body language will do that. quote:“Perhaps I’d better explain in more detail,” he said, and the noise died down again. “The five emotions being used are fear, love, hatred, amusement, and anger, in just that order. What our participants must do is take the subject showing amusement, for example, and change the emotion to anger. The one showing fear has to be changed to love, and the one showing anger has to be changed to fear. Each of the six subjects must be put through all five of the listed emotions in the listed order, but not all five at the same time. Whichever emotion the subject starts with, the next one on the list is what he or she must be made to feel next.” Why couldn't you just have given the more detailed explanation to start with? quote:This time the murmuring had overtones of being impressed, and the two nervous men grew even more nervous. Jovvi felt tempted to join them in that as well, since the exercise would be the most complicated thing she’d ever tried. Five different emotions ranged through six people, and the differences would have to be maintained even while they shifted position. And to add to it, a large clock was being prepared not far from where they sat. At least it looked like a clock; Jovvi couldn’t be completely sure, as its face was turned away from them and toward the audience. I would be more impressed if we actually knew more about how Spirit magic works. I suppose we could count the poor attempt at introducing that Spirit magic is bad at coping with multiple emotions at the same time in Jovvi's last mastery chapter. Is that a constraint of Spirit magic or just simply normal multi-tasking? We'll never know! quote:“And, of course, each participant’s efforts will be timed,” Lomad added, causing one of the two nervous men to moan low. “At their level we expect all of them to be able to perform the exercise, but just how quickly they do it will be another matter entirely. We’ll begin as soon as I’ve given the participants the order in which they’ll compete.” why don't you just call them up in order? quote:Lomad left his position in front of the audience to walk toward the place where Jovvi and the others sat, but Jovvi felt nothing of the urge to stiffen with anticipation which held the two nervous men. She’d already formed the basis of a guess, one she would have bet gold on. Her name would be first on the list, followed immediately by the two other potential Highs. Their scores alone would be of interest to the watching nobility, and the other seven people probably weren’t even going to compete. They’d try to hide that from her and the two men, of course, but Jovvi didn’t yet know how they’d do it. Spoilers for the end of this book: Pagin discovers none of the "smart money" is betting on commoner Blendings. That begs the question as to why the audience here (if they're all nobles, which they would have to be if the seven dummy competitors won't actually compete) would even be bothered watching this with interest. Is the big money on betting per match rather than on an overall winner since they all know the competition is fixed? Wouldn't that in itself send some alarm bells to the independent judges? quote:“All right, people, please pay attention,” Lomad said when he reached them, pulling a piece of paper out of one pocket of his coat. “I’m going to speak a name and then a number. That will tell you when it’s your turn to compete, so please don’t forget the number.” That is literally the worst thing that could happen, and it of course doesn't happen and we know it won't happen because we already saw through Homin and Delin POVs that all of the common Blendings will be at the reception to be inspected by their noble counterparts. So we've spent *checks* 5047 words in a chapter 6054 words long trying to build suspense that was never going to exist in the first place. WHY DOES GREEN INSIST ON WRITING LIKE THIS quote:“All right, Dama Hafford, please come with me,” Lomad said suddenly, dragging Jovvi back to her surroundings. “You are first, you know.” We could have just gotten the instructions here instead. quote:Jovvi set herself solidly behind the line while Lomad moved behind her, and then someone was cueing the six subjects. The immediate and varied range of induced emotions would have knocked Jovvi over not long ago, but now she simply found herself aware of them. To her further surprise she also discovered that she could begin the exercise almost at once, but the caution of her plan kept her from being that foolish. She had to remember not to be too strong, and responding too quickly was part of that. So much for this being "the most complicated thing she had ever tried". quote:“All right, my dear, you’re finished now,” he said with a smile as he took her hands in his. “You’ve done marvelously well, and should be very proud of yourself.” In no real competition ever would you do this. Ever. The main draw of a competition is the spectacle of watching competitors striving to win and then vicariously living off and reflecting the triumph of the victors and the despair of the losers and relishing the drama of the favorite being upset, etc. Can anyone name any serious competition that exists where all of the contestants are sent home and the news is not revealed to them live in front of an audience? How is nobody suspicious of this? No, wait, a better question: what does it freaking matter if the commoner Blendings know how strong they are and how they stack up against the others? It's not like the noble Blendings are participating in this farce! So who cares, the noble Blendings are still a big mystery and the results of the commoner Blendings are public knowledge. There SHOULD be a whole meta game around whether you go out and flaunt your strength as an intimidation tactic, or whether you hold your cards close and keep as much as you can back to surprise people in the rounds that matter. See basically any other tournament based plot novel for how this is done right, whether it's the contrast between how Katniss and Peeta handle it in Collin's Hunger Games and their altered strategy in Catching Fire or how Eithan's tactics differ to Sophara's in Uncrowned/Wintersteel. quote:Jovvi’s escort sat her at a table and ordered tea for her, then presumably left to send someone for her carriage. Her being ejected from the competition building was really quite encouraging, something that let her enjoy the tea when it came. She wasn’t nearly as exhausted as she’d pretended to be, but that wasn’t to say her strength hadn’t been drained. Real or not, that competition was hard, and Jovvi didn’t mind the idea of going home at all. Can we rewind just for a second? Your internal narration said, and I quote: "could begin the exercise almost at once", "could have done all six of them exactly at the same time" and that you were "immediately pretending to be really tired". quote:Two things arrived together: the last of the tea in her cup, and the man who had gone to see about her carriage. The speed in getting her vehicle back made Jovvi feel even better, so much so that she assured the man she could make it outside alone. He stood and watched her head for the way out, but his presence disappeared from Jovvi’s awareness almost immediately. Her main worry now was how the others would do, hopefully neither too good nor too bad. If there were only some way she could get word to them … assuming, of course, that it wasn’t already too late… Did Allestine hijack the official carriage or did Jovvi just obliviously get into a different carriage altogether? quote:“Oh, do sit down and behave yourself, child,” a female voice said as Jovvi began to struggle. The coach had also begun to move, which left the practice area behind. “We have a long trip ahead of us, but at the end of it you and I will settle up.” Classifying this as a "cliffhanger" because we've literally just seen Jovvi demonstrate a bunch of power so now I'm just and waiting for the inevitable first sentence when we get to the next Jovvi chapter in the rotation for her to make them all terrified of her and make her escape. Summary: Day 8 Jovvi realizes the whole thing is a sham. She has to go first because she's a woman. The competition involves changing a bunch of emotions on six drugged people deliberately. She does it deliberately oh so slowly and is sent home to await the results. After the competition, she's kidnapped by Allestine. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 36 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 18 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, group of mystery thugs who hold Hat's gambling debts, Hestir, Morin Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol Vallant: Mirra Agran, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 52 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 37 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 9 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 10 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 41 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 21 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 39 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 23 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: I'm bored so here's an exercise in identifying how much extraneous bloat is in this chapter. All I've done is deleted or moved text around, changing/inserting punctuation/tenses as needed, and condensed multiple words into one or two words. I would have put this in the body of the post but hey, Green's original is so long that despite me cutting all of the bloat, the post went over the 50k character limit so have a Google Doc instead. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1x6-bdKz9n54CangrbFIq8FoA1Hh_q6aCioOwvngC-7w/edit?usp=sharing 933 words. 15% of the original word count. If I get bored again, I'll do this again to some other long rear end chapter to get another data point, but you could probably take this as a rule of thumb and apply it to the entire serieses. EDIT: Wow, I missed pointing out a plothole about the number of genuine competitors. That's fixed now! Leng fucked around with this message at 12:30 on Feb 6, 2021 |
# ? Feb 2, 2021 05:12 |
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Leng posted:933 words. 15% of the original word count. If I get bored again, I'll do this again to some other long rear end chapter to get another data point, but you could probably take this as a rule of thumb and apply it to the entire serieses. I'm shocked you ended up with 15% of the content being retained, I expected a much lower number
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# ? Feb 3, 2021 02:48 |
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In terms of actual story, there's probably another 5-10% that could go, but it would require rewriting of the chapter line by line instead of just deleting/moving text and replacing some words with more efficient words. Which I am not bored enough to do. On the other hand, there are entire short chapters that are somewhere between 1000-3000 words that we could do the same exercise on, but when you look at the purpose that chapter serves in the overall narrative, you'd throw the whole thing out because it's pointless.
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# ? Feb 3, 2021 11:13 |
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quote:CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO Who gets this lost in a daydream that they forget all basic courtesy at a shared meal time? I get that this is a big thing for Rion but seriously? quote:Once the coach arrived, though, he was forced to notice how slowly Coll and Ro moved, suggesting they might be reluctant to face what he looked forward to so eagerly. Insensitivity to the feelings of others was something Rion had never worried about, which probably meant he was often guilty of the oversight. If he were going to grow into a human being worthy of having friends and knowing a woman like Naran, it was time to change that. Okay well, at least you're willing to self-reflect and change. You get points for that. This is admirable. I'll even refrain from pointing out that you don't know anything about Naran as a person, other than that she gets your going and she's a doormat for you. quote:“We should all do very well this morning,” Rion said after he’d taken his seat beside Coll and across from Ro, trying to sound open and encouraging. “No matter what that competition consists of, we’ll certainly be able to handle it … handily.” quote:He tried to chuckle at his little joke, but discovered how difficult it is to chuckle alone. Coll looked out of the righthand window and Ro did the same with the left, and Rion almost felt that he was alone in the coach. Rion didn't even get pity laughs. Though honestly you guys are always staring off into the space in these coach rides anyway so I don't see how this is a new experience for any of you. quote:He also felt at a loss about what to say next, but inspiration suddenly visited. ...actually playing the pity card. quote:“Rion, there’s no reason you shouldn’t win your competition,” Coll said at once, responding the way Rion had hoped he would. Though I'll give Rion this: an instance of onscreen manipulation of other people based on what you know about them to achieve the result you hoped for, i.e. forcing Lorand and Vallant to confront their issues. That's more than Jovvi's ever done! quote:“I’m the one who probably won’t win, and that will be that.” "I won't go all out because that's going to mean I won't survive going up against a noble Blending" is a weird line of reasoning to take. And by weird, I mean it doesn't make sense. Presumably the result depends on how good the noble Blending is as well. The better reason would be "no I don't want to show them everything I've got because that means they'll know what I can do and can therefore counter it". Unless Lorand's trying to point out that they could be sabotaged, in which case this is just poorly written because that doesn't come across at all. quote:“But what about the gold?” Rion protested even as Ro nodded his concurrence. “If I hold back and don’t win the competition, I also won’t win the gold. I can’t bear the thought of going to Naran with hat in hand like a beggar…” What? So going all out means they're going to maim/kill you? I don't think Lorand understands how intel gathering works. quote:“And here’s somethin’ I learned the hard way,” Ro added. “If a lady loves you for your gold, it isn’t you she loves. If she wants to be with you even without gold, you’ve found somethin’ beyond price. Keepin’ yourself safe for someone like that is more important than supplyin’ what she never asked for in the first place. Or did she ask?” Please don't use Vallant as your role model of how to be a good romantic/life partner. quote:“I’m the one who wants to have gold for her, but you may be right. Putting myself at a disadvantage to get it doesn’t make much sense.” This is why I keep saying that you could combine Tamrissa and Jovvi into Tavvi, and combine the men into...Riollant, and then we'd only have to read this conversation ONCE. Or you could roll all five of them into one Tavriollant protagonist and the conversation could be dispensed with entirely and this realization written as the character's real-time reaction to walking in to this stupid competition. quote:The last of Ro’s words were muttered, and Rion didn’t understand what they meant. Coll did seem to understand, though, and he leaned toward Ro looking earnest. Calling this a retcon! quote:“I suppose it’s worth a try,” Ro said, not nearly as enthusiastic as Coll, but then he smiled. “Thanks for tryin’ for me, Mardimil. Even if it doesn’t work, it feels good knowin’ there’s somebody on my side.” Hahahaha...Jovvi was not on the ball this morning. quote:“Ought to be,” Coll echoed, in no way an agreement. “Let’s hope they are, and also agree to have group meetings every night. If we don’t stick together, they’ll get us for sure.” OMFG no. No. NO. Whoever got Green started on her meeting fetish needs to be beaten over the head with a clipboard and other corporate stationery. quote:Ro made a sound that might have been support for the idea, but Rion made his response much more positive. If anything happened to Tamrissa and Jovvi because the men were too distracted by personal concerns to plan properly, Rion knew he would find it impossible to forgive himself. It would hardly be his fault alone, but it would certainly feel that way. You're all equally pathetic in the way that you wallow in manufactured early high school level drama. quote:They lapsed back into silence after that, and this time Rion made no attempt to break it. His disappointment over the gold was rather deep, but he did still have some silver. It might be enough for a modest dinner, and possibly even enough for a small gift for Naran. He spent some time wondering what would really please her, and before he knew it the coach was slowing for his stop. And we're going to get an entire scene about this later. quote:“Well, here’s hoping we all find the proper way to fail,” Rion said softly as they came to a full halt. “In any event, good luck, my friends.” why is this even in here? quote:so Rion strode to the entrance to the practice area and inside. The number of people present had grown considerably, and when Rion paused to look around at them, Padril suddenly appeared to his left. Slacker. Genovir met her charge outside! quote:“The other participants have already arrived, and the competition will soon begin. Would you care to stop for a cup of tea, or go immediately to the competitions building?” The event planner for these things is also incompetent. If your welcome script includes an offer of tea, then maybe schedule your carriages for earlier and also schedule the arrival of all your competitiors, including the dummy ones, to be at the same time. quote:“I have no interest in tea,” Rion answered, making no effort to pretend friendliness toward the man. “Lead me to the building.” Use of "disturbed" twice in one paragraph. How isolated was Rion as a child if he hasn't met ANYONE in the audience? And if Hallina Mardimil is really as politically powerful as everyone makes her out to be then Rion himself should be recognizable to this audience. Wouldn't it be a great opportunity to have a random encounter that doesn't feel shoehorned into the plot? quote:But there was nothing he might do about the matter even if it proved sinister, so he simply followed Padril into the large resin building. Most of the floor was open from wall to wall, but a heavy tan curtain had been draped across the back section of it. Others were entering at the same time to join one or another group already inside, but Padril ignored them all to lead Rion to a man standing alone near a group of seated people. Those in the seats wore master’s bracelets like Rion’s, and the man standing alone smiled as they approached. What happened to "Master"? Also nobody has been called "sir" before this, they're always "Dom" instead. Sloppy or non-existent copyediting on top of the developmental editing too. quote:With that the overfed fool scurried away, and Rion was glad to see the back of him. He knew precisely what sort of luck Padril wished him, and he returned the sentiment exactly. I don't understand what I'm supposed to be taking away from this attempt at characterization. Does Rion still find it grating? Or is he reflecting that he used to find it grating and now he doesn't? Is he perplexed by this change in opinion? Is this a moment of realization that he used to be a pompous rear end and that he made not only the lives of the servants in his mother's household miserable, he also made the lives of other lower ranked nobles miserable? quote:No other response than sitting was called for, so Rion made none. Worlen didn’t seem to notice, though, as he was much too busy watching the spectators enter. Rion himself looked at his fellow competitors, one of whom was a lady instead. She and two of the men seemed very much ill at ease, while the remaining four men appeared more bored than nervous. Something felt odd about that, but Rion didn’t have the time to wonder what. He still hadn’t decided just how strong he should be, and that had to be taken care of first. Three plus Rion makes four. Where's the missing 5th real competitor? Also you can guess where this is going. quote:A number of minutes went by while Rion thought, but the process was far from productive. He was finally forced to admit that he needed to know what was involved in the competition before any lucid decisions might be made, and that was when Worlen stood himself in front of the curtain and raised his arms. Of all the dumb things we've seen these protagonists do, this might be the dumbest yet. Also, that is not how you use the word "lucid", Green. And while I'm nitpicking on the prose, her constant overuse of the words "a number of ______" pisses me off. It's just extra words for no good reason! quote:“Friends, please give me your attention,” he called. “We’re about to begin, so please find your places.” None of those things are indicative of interest! quote:“This, as most of you know, is a low level competition in Air magic,” Worlen lectured. “We have eight participants today, and each of them will test their ability against the ticking of that clock.” I would suddenly be rather reading about horse racing than this chapter. Does anybody remember the Black Stallion books? I read a whole bunch of them during the obligatory horse obsessed teen girl phase and remember enjoying them a lot, even if they were formulaic. quote:“What they will need to do is as follows,” Worlen continued, pulling aside the tan curtain. “There are ten bell devices arranged around this area, some closer together, some farther apart, some high, some low. That small steel ball sitting up on the starting ‘tower’ toward the back must be maneuvered around to ring each of the ten bells, but the participant won’t be permitted to simply grasp the ball in thickened air and move it that way. The ball has to be ‘guided’ into position to ring each bell, otherwise the bell simply won’t ring. Here’s a demonstration to show what I mean.” I have thought of a new explanation for the repetitive events. My theory is Green does not know how to revise her writing, so all she does is write a first draft, then write slightly less mediocre versions of the same thing as successive chapters using variations on characters/magical powers/etc, instead of doing the hard thing of going back and improving what she's already written. You can literally see the template of Jovvi's last chapter in this chapter, except the Rion chapter is slightly better. quote:Let’s begin now with our first participant.” Seems like Rion is missing both the conditioning that applied to the general populace as well as the specific conditioning for noble children. Guess that private training Bron and co got was how the conditioning was applied. quote:This time the clock was started when the girl began the exercise again, and this time she completed it. Her guiding cylinders took the ball from bell to bell in wide sweeps, but always with the downward curve working to her benefit. When the final bell was struck the girl seemed ready to collapse, but Worlen was right there to take both her hands in his. What kind of clock takes a whole minute to reset!? Weren't Victorian era clockworks quite sophisticated? quote:“She really did very well indeed,” Rion heard, and looked back to see Worlen. The man had let someone else accompany the girl, and now had returned to the rest of them. “Those of you who follow her will really have to stretch yourselves, otherwise you’ll find yourselves outdone by a woman. And the first one to stretch will be Rion Mardimil.” When we wrap up Book 2, I'm gonna need a break so I can go read some good feminist fantasy with no toxic masculinity after this. I am so sick of this schtick. quote:Rion was tired of having these people forget his title, but this wasn’t the time to make an issue of it. There were more important things going on, not to mention questions to be asked. Write Rion throwing a hissy fit about this instead! quote:“Just what was the young lady’s time?” he put to Worlen as he stood, looking down at the man. “And why was she made to leave so quickly?” WHY?! For the love of the Prime Aspect, please can we have one of the characters call their bluff or do something other than just GO ALONG WITH THIS CRAP. quote:The others nodded uneasily, and it was Worlen’s turn to smile. The clock got reset but not the bells. So everybody can just copy from the first successful person. quote:Each stood on its own small tower in different places around the rough circle, each tower a different height. When Rion opened himself fully to the power, he was able to detect a strange … feeling of sorts around each tower. He had no idea what caused the feeling, but suspected it was produced by whatever made the steel ball miss the bell without a guiding cylinder. GO LOOK AT IT WITH YOUR MAGICAL SENSES! A repellant force field sounds like an extremely handy application of your magic and you're trying to lose so you've got all the time in the world to look at it! quote:And just how strong that cylinder should be was another question. The girl had caused the air they were made of to be almost completely rigid, but that might not be necessary—or particularly desirable. Rion suddenly remembered he was supposed to lose the competition, and since he couldn’t really argue the decision he decided he might as well get it over with. I would also be more interested in reading about Rion discovering the laws of physics than reading the rest of this chapter. quote:Losing the ball midway would probably also have lost the competition most easily, but Rion’s pride refused to allow him to do that. Going more slowly than the girl would have to suffice. I don't get it. First, you don't care about being polite to this guy, so just turn around when he grabs you. Like he's shaking your hand, not grabbing your shoulders, so you still have full range of motion. Second, you already agreed earlier to not try to discover your time, so why are you even bothering now? quote:The eating area wasn’t completely emptied by any means, but it was mostly the usual low-born hangers-on who were left. The girl who had performed first sat alone at a table gulping tea, and Rion considered joining her. His thoughts must have been too obvious, though, as his guide spoke up before Rion made up his mind. There are so many exchanges like this throughout all of the books that just pad word count. Okay, the testing authority doesn't want you guys to compare notes, got it. I don't need this entire exchange plus four paragraphs of internal monologue to learn that. Summary: Day 8 After the competition, she's kidnapped by Allestine. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 37 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 19 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, group of mystery thugs who hold Hat's gambling debts, Hestir, Morin Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol Vallant: Mirra Agran, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 52 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 38 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 10 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 10 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 41 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 22 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 40 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 23 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: It didn't matter for the Spirit magic competition, but having all the competitors watch each other from the beginning is problematic for Air magic. They should have been brought out separately so they don't see how the other competitors compete! In any event where part of the challenge is overcoming the field/setup, information asymmetry is bad. Everybody should go in blind, and then afterwards get taken to a green room where they can watch as part of the audience instead, when watching won't affect how they perform. Leng fucked around with this message at 12:29 on Feb 6, 2021 |
# ? Feb 3, 2021 12:36 |
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Leng posted:I think we might actually get to the canon reason in either this book or the next one. Actually, wait, I think it's Book 4 there are independent judges or a panel of commoners or whatever the term is who are on the lookout to ensure there's no been no tampering by the nobles organizing the competitions, I think we'll get a passing reference to it in an Eltrina or Embisson POV. Then in Book 4, Meerk is one of them and he's shattered - first when Lorand breaks it to him when they're at the challenges for the Seated High in Earth magic, and then Tamrissa breaks it again when he's rescued the protagonists because he thought the noble Blending won fair and square. Abe Lincoln wore it better.
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# ? Feb 6, 2021 05:04 |
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quote:CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE The way Green constantly uses "obvious" bugs me no end. I was curious how many times Green uses the word "obvious" in this book - the answer is 122 times. 122 times. It was there 138 times in Book 1 if you wanted a point of comparison. I think I'm gonna do a word frequency cloud when we get to the end of Book 2. We should all take bets as to what the top 10 offenders are. quote:At least until he was out of the coach and walking toward the entrance to the practice area. He’d very much wanted to talk to Jovvi again, but telling her he meant to do his absolute best wouldn’t have changed the reason she’d withdrawn from him, and now he couldn’t even say that much honestly. A man who was determined to win in the end would be very unhappy over needing to lose at any time, but Lorand wasn’t in the least unhappy. That said something about himself, and would have said even more to Jovvi. This is only here because if it wasn't, we would forget that Lorand has a "it's complicated" status with Jovvi. quote:So Lorand walked through the entrance feeling guilty for feeling relieved, a combination odd enough to be very uncomfortable. Sight of all the extra people in the eating area helped to distract him a bit from that, and Hestir’s approach did the rest of the job. The way double quotes have been used here outside of the dialogue looks weird to me for some reason. Where's that copyeditor? quote:The man turned and walked off at a pace that should have been dignified, but the fact that Hestir would have preferred running was much too obvious. It turned his stride choppy, and Lorand followed a bit more easily while wondering why Hestir’s terror didn’t bother him. It had to be because of the man’s actions, which proved that Lorand wasn’t as forgiving as he’d considered himself. Being feared should have bothered Lorand, but in Hestir’s case it didn’t. Normally I'd say that this is Green being verbose when writing monologuing but I think this is actually her sneaking in the moral of the story: i.e. fighter good, bullies bad, fighters terrifying bullies through threat of physical violence therefore also good. quote:Much of the crowd was heading toward the building as well, and Lorand walked inside to find that it was already fairly well filled. Hestir led the way through the throng toward the back of the building, where a man stood in front of a curtain, talking to a woman who seemed to have just arrived. As Hestir approached, the man directed the woman to a seat among others who were just a few steps away, and then he turned to the newest newcomers. What is going on? There weren't any curtains in the previous two chapters! Wow it's so different! Do you think maybe they used the same shower curtain from IKEA that featured in that first test back in Book 1 Chapter 6? quote:“Sir, this is Adept Lidim,” Hestir said over his shoulder to Lorand with a gesture toward the man. “Adept Lidim is in charge of the competition, and—” Look at Green getting more concise with her third quote:“One,” Lorand responded, unsure about whether or not he liked this man’s abrupt manner. “I can see the clock standing right there, in front of those seated people. What happens if I turn away from the exercise too soon and do manage to find out my own time? Will I be executed, or simply banished forever from the realm?” Someone please call this bluff. quote:It was no surprise when Lidim gestured to the people seated behind the clock, since they were the only ones in the room who were unable to see what the clock would show. Lorand gave up trying to rattle Lidim and shrugged his agreement, then made his way over to the last remaining empty chair. In addition to the woman and himself there were seven other people, but only one man looked as nervous as the woman. The rest seemed … almost bored, but Lorand decided he must be mistaken. Even he wasn’t bored, and he meant to lose. The mystery as to where the missing two commoner Blending contestants continues. quote:“Attention, everyone, give me your attention, please,” Lidim called out almost as soon as Lorand was seated, holding up one hand as he spoke. “We’re ready to begin, so if everyone will settle down, I’ll explain what this exercise consists of.” Finally an instance of good characterization of Lorand's fear of burnout. I wish that we had just gotten loads of little internal thoughts like this until things came to a head when he really has no choice but to pull in more power. Instead, we got the hamfisted handling that we got. quote:The layer of leather had been painted a splotchy orange and tan, making it look like some cheap and gaudy cloth. The girl had had no more trouble telling that it was leather than Lorand had, but she paused briefly before tackling the next layer, which showed itself as green and purple diagonals. It turned out to be copper and quickly went the way of the leather, but Lorand took careful note of the girl’s pause. No matter how quickly he figured out what something was, he’d have to remember to pause just the way she was doing. I'm fairly certain some laws of physics are being broken here, specifically the one about conservation of mass. Unless...does Earth magic literally break everything apart, not just into its constituent molecules or individual atoms but into its subatomic particles? I'm really rusty on my physics, but doesn't that equal releasing tons of energy from the molecular bonds and nuclear fission? quote:“And now we’re ready for our second competitor,” Lidim announced, gesturing to the man who had been sitting next to the girl. “It’s too bad for him that the young lady did such a marvelous job, and now he’s in the position of needing to do better or lose to her. But I’m sure he’ll try his best, and will be able to say that honestly if he does happen to lose.” The third draft of this toxic masculinity doesn't get any better. quote:Lidim spoke to the man softly for a moment, then left him alone to begin the exercise. A second cube had been brought in and wrestled to the low platform, and its top layer was orange and red and yellow, like a fire gone flat and crazy. The man at the white line studied it a brief moment, then dissolved the layer of camouflaged wood. So spoilers for later in this book everybody's gonna be told that they won, because all of the contestants have to go to the palace to allow their noble counterparts to scope them out. Which makes the fact that everybody gets to watch everybody else even more stupid because if you've got a reasonably accurate internal clock like this guy, you would know for sure if you were faster or slower than somebody else. quote:And with that the man sent his ability toward Lidim, obviously intending to take the man apart the way he’d done with the first four layers of the cube. People shouted and screamed all over the room, but Lorand had already put his own talent between Lidim and the man who had cracked under the pressure. The attack had been a very strong possibility from the moment the man began to shout, and Lorand had been ready. Uh, you're in contact with the power, so shouldn't you be able to follow: 1) exactly how many people are linked and 2) what they did while linked? Because every other time somebody's been in contact with the power and other people are doing stuff with the same aspect, they can. quote:And a potential High who was probably no longer in the running for any sort of position. The man’s mind had collapsed under the pressure, and it would take the efforts of a very capable physician to see him well again. Lorand thought about that as people carried the man out, compassion for the poor pawn strong inside him. That could have happened to anyone put through what the testing authority considered “qualifying,” and it was the man’s bad luck that he had turned out to be the anyone. And at this point, Eltrina should be forced to sub in an extra Earth magic user into whichever residence this guy is from. If I recall correctly, Green forgets about this entirely the next time we're in Eltrina's POV. quote:“I’d like to thank whoever added their strength to mine in shielding me from that madman,” Lidim suddenly announced, still looking shaken. “I didn’t require the assistance, of course, but I’d like to personally thank whoever was thoughtful enough to try. Would that person please acknowledge the considerate gesture?” Hold up. So you can only tell what other people are doing depending on how strong you are? I call plothole, because this is inconsistent as hell. quote:“Well, my attempted benefactor is apparently too modest to claim his due in recognition,” Lidim said after a moment or two of no one coming forward. “I’ll simply repeat my thanks, then, and we’ll continue with the competition.” Hahahahaha. Said with a straight face to somebody in one of the two aspects who can tell truth from lie. Yet we don't get any sort of commentary from Lorand on this, because Green. quote:“Thank you, Adept Lidim, and I certainly do understand,” Lorand assured him, trying to speak warmly. “If I do happen to fail, it won’t be anyone’s fault but my own. You have my word that I won’t be attacking you.” Finally, somebody who figures it's pointless. But why he couldn't just reach out and sense the position of the hands on the clock with his talent? quote:He was rather anxious to get back to the residence, but would definitely have that cup of tea while waiting for the coach. And at the same time he would try to figure out why he was no longer as happy as he’d been. His relief had disappeared somewhere, and Lorand couldn’t quite tell what it had been replaced with. This is not how you do a monologue. If you want the character to be doing reflection, then actually show us the reflection and the thought process that leads to the conclusion. If you just care about the conclusion, then tell us what their conclusion is and dispense with all the other filler. quote:Thinking it was Hestir, Lorand looked up ready to order the man away. The words floated off, however, when he saw that it wasn’t Hestir. Lorand forgets the whole conversation he had with Tamrissa on how dead people don't pay debts. quote:“And since I understand you perfectly,” Lorand continued, “let’s see if I can make you understand me. Do you have any real idea of what sort of competition is being held today?” You could have done any other number of things to prove you're the bigger talent without actually inflicting physical harm! quote:“You’re smart to understand that I’m more important to these people than two useless troublemakers,” Lorand went on with the same small, cold smile. On that note, anybody else want to remark on how out of character this is for Lorand? This feels more like something that Rion or Vallant would do. Probably Rion, because Vallant would just straight up have a fist fight and enjoy it. quote:“I’m really tempted to get you out of my life once and for all right now, but luckily for you I have a job of work I want you to do. If you’re interested in taking that job of work, tell me now.” Wait wait wait wait wait. You can BLOCK someone else's monitoring? Why are we not finding out more about this? This is useful! quote:“Guess it’ll hafta,” Meerk grudged, pushing away from the table to stand. “Don’t know why you’d want th’ little drunk, but if he’s still here in Gan Garee, he’s yours.” Not-spoilers: this also goes nowhere. Summary: Day 8 Jovvi/Rion/Lorand/Vallant realizes the whole thing is a sham. After the competition, she's kidnapped by Allestine/he's accosted by Meerk, who agrees to locate Hat in response to Lorand's threat of magical violence. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 38 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 19 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol Vallant: Mirra Agran, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 54 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 39 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 10 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 10 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 41 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 23 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 41 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 23 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Nothing new to add here. This chapter should be disintegrated into thin air and nuke all of the adjacent chapters as a consequence.
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# ? Feb 6, 2021 12:28 |
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Here, have a tag cloud of Book 1, including the 5 chapters that got stuck at the beginning of Book 2 (courtesy of WordArt.com which has an interactive version): Here are all the words that appear >300 times: pre:Word Frequency One 851 Out 765 More 604 Now 598 Time 594 Lorand 578 Way 559 Man 547 Jovvi 543 Even 541 Look 508 Vallant 455 Back 454 Up 441 Before 410 Thing 385 Go 384 Again 378 First 372 Know 366 Something 344 Two 341 Those 339 Clarion 333 See 329 Turn 324 Right 324 Never 323 Make 320 Very 316 People 315 Over 313 Well 309 Use 308 Need 306 Being 305 Come 301 I am legitimately shocked that "tea" only appears 89 times, though "bath" features 166 times and "coach" 220 times as expected.
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# ? Feb 6, 2021 14:19 |
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quote:CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR I would suspect Green of making Vallant an unreliable narrator here but I don't think she knows how to do that. We're literally meant to take this at face value. quote:Walking through the entrance into the outskirts of the eating area showed Vallant a lot more people than he’d seen until now. That had to mean they were there for the competition, or at least most of the newcomers were. The rest had attended for their own reasons, and Vallant would have been happier if he knew for certain what those reasons were. Care to elaborate? quote:“Good morning, Dom Ro,” a quiet voice said, and Vallant turned his head to see that a subdued Wimand had come up to him. It felt odd not to have the man making some nasty comment about Holter, and doubly odd not to have Holter right there with him. But then Vallant realized something. There's just endless examples of how the protagonists are so dumb that the antagonists need to be even dumber. quote:Vallant followed Wimand’s stiffened back with a grim smile, wondering if the man realized yet just how much he’d let slip. He’d obviously meant to weaken Vallant’s chances in the competition by weakening him, which probably wasn’t part of his superiors’ planning. By doing that he’d told Vallant just how much the testing authority knew about him, and had been caught off balance when Vallant had readily admitted what everyone apparently thought of as a secret. This is maybe the first thing I read in a Vallant chapter that I liked. quote:Vallant stepped onto the path leading to the white resin building, relieved to finally be out from among all those people. Crowds weren’t as bad as being inside someplace small and airless, but that didn’t make forcing a way through them pleasant. If Vallant had hoped to win the competition he would have already been disturbed, but as it was he felt no more than slight discomfort. Whoever did the event briefing for Adepts did a bad job–the process is so inconsistent from aspect to aspect. quote:It was another lovely day, so Vallant stood there and enjoyed it until Holter arrived. A number of people had passed him on their way into the building, but one glance at his clothing told them he wasn’t one of them. That was a use for the distinctive clothing Vallant and the others hadn’t considered, and he made a mental note to mention it at the next full meeting. The bracelets they wore were only one way of telling their status, and knowing that might come in handy later. Are you kidding me?! You were taken to get fitted for not-Adult magic school uniforms and you didn't realize "hey I'm wearing a uniform to make it easy for anybody who knows to identify me"? I should have started a counter. quote:Holter appeared in about twenty minutes, silently following the supposed Adept Podon. He looked even more unhappy than usual, but his eyes widened when he saw Vallant. Twenty minutes is not "any moment". quote:“Thought I’d wait until you got here,” Vallant said with a smile when Holter reached him, completely ignoring Podon. “I sort of got used to goin’ to these things with you, and just because they moved you out of the residence doesn’t mean I have to stop. Not yet, anyway.” As far as I can tell, your entire friendship consists of scaring the hell out of Ginge and getting Pagin ostracized from his previous life, not offering the man any comfort and letting him be depressed about it and work through it on his own, then sticking together with him through the mastery trials (which was arguably more "safety in numbers" than anything). I've never seen you hang out together outside of common meal times, except for the time at Ginge's tavern. That's a piss poor definition of friendship. quote:Then Holter started into the building, and Vallant took a moment to brace himself hard before following. Trying Rion's suggestion right about now would probably be a good idea. quote:From the very first step inside, Vallant had to maintain a rigid hold on himself to keep from bolting. Not only was the large building windowless and lit by lanterns, its size was greatly diminished by the number of people in it. And that didn’t take into account the large glass tank filled with water which stood in the very center of the building. The air disappeared into countless lungs, leaving none over for his own lungs, which in turn caused the round walls to begin moving inward. And this is the guy who we're supposed to believe was a real "Master of the vessel" type of captain. quote:“Dom Holter, Dom Ro, allow me t’present Adept Arkow,” Podon said as they stopped near the heavy, supercilious-looking man who stood beside the seats. “Adept Arkow is runnin’ this here competition, an’ he’ll tell ya whut ya need t’do.” Factual observations aren't necessarily verbal attacks? quote:“But now we’re ready to begin, so please take your seats with the others. You’ll be called up one at a time, and as soon as you’ve completed your performance you’ll be conducted out of the building. I’ll explain what’s expected of you in just a moment.” Since we've now officially declared a bromance, Pagin starts actually acting like a real character, instead of a convenient background NPC who exists just to drop lore! quote:Vallant nodded his thanks for the support, and then forced himself to go to a chair and sit. Almost everyone else there seemed totally unconcerned, and for Vallant that was a usual state of affairs. Everyone unconcerned but him… So just use "smirked" instead of all these extraneous words! quote:“We may be holding only a low-level competition, but it still has its points of interest. Our participants will be required to do two things, both of them in this tank of water behind me. The first of those things is being prepared for right now.” Who else thinks Green ran out of ideas for what to do with Water magic? quote:Vallant fully expected to be made to wait until the very end; after all, since they knew about his problem they’d surely want to take advantage of it. Being gestured to first came as more of a shock than a surprise, but Vallant was too relieved to worry about it now. He rose quickly and went to stand beside Arkow, suddenly more distracted than he’d expected to be. He couldn’t quite remember the level of strength he’d decided on in case he was chosen to go first, and he only had a minute to bring the memory back. It didn't sound difficult at all? quote:During a violent storm, normally peaceful bodies of water had been known to wash out even a new bridge. You don't say? I would never have known! Does Green think the majority of her readers are born in arid areas or something? quote:The added strength of wind and crashing momentum allowed the water to do that, and the power enabled Vallant to add even more strength than wind and momentum supplied. The water would be a sledgehammer driven by a giant, and the bridge would not be able to resist. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzBNdssqrEA&t=272s quote:When one section of the bridge finally gave way under the assault, there was a smattering of applause. Vallant knew he didn’t particularly deserve that applause, so he ignored it in favor of tackling the next part of the exercise. This was really the harder job, and it had to start with calming the waters. Once that was done he inserted the fingers of his talent slowly and carefully into the water, then began to part it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzBNdssqrEA&t=492s quote:Spreading out widely enough to keep the waters from escaping was the biggest problem, but remembering all that practice in weaving let him accomplish it. For some reason the woven patterns spread out more easily and widely, so that the water in the tank parted neatly and stayed that way. After that, all Vallant could do was wait. He’d been told he would have to hold it apart for a time, and this was where a serious worry came in. It wouldn't be a Green chapter without her inserting some weird internal freak out in relation to the competition because every other protagonist went through it, even if it makes zero sense for Vallant. quote:“Thank you, Dom Ro, you may release the waters now,” Arkow’s voice came, bringing Vallant back from distraction. His thoughts had drifted off, but his talent had held steady on its own. “Here is the gentleman who will accompany you out, and thank you again for participating.” The disjunction between the character's action and the character's internal monologue and the supposed bromance is astounding. quote:Somehow Vallant kept himself from running, so it was forever before he got outside. He moved a number of steps beyond the entrance and stood there with his eyes closed, simply breathing. His insides still shuddered and twisted with what he’d gone through, but for the moment it was all over with. I'm trying to work out what it is about Green's format of post magical workout eating business that irritates me. Besides being repetitive, I think it's fundamentally because I don't buy that the characters are exhausted at all. quote:No more than two or three minutes could have passed in peace and quiet before there were suddenly people stopping at Vallant’s table. His first urge was to ignore them, but curiosity got the better of him and he glanced their way—only to stop and stare disbelievingly. Uh, news flash, either party to a betrothal can break it. quote:“That’s enough!” Vallant said sharply, cutting the fool off in mid sentence. “I don’t know who let you people in here, but now that I’m over my shock at your intrusion, I might as well give you some hard truths. I never asked your daughter to marry me, we simply discussed the possibility. If she told you anythin’ else, she’s lyin’ the way she usually does.” How's that for a retcon? You didn't even break up properly! Like by leaving her a letter to confirm it's really over and by telling your father to try set up Torrin with Mirra instead. And if lying is a habit of Mirra's, then maybe we should have gotten some of that in your perspective way back in Book 1 Chapter 5? quote:“How dare you!” Dama Agran gasped in outrage, but Vallant refused to let her get started on an hour-long tirade. I dunno, you were a dick to Mirra and you've been an rear end to Tamrissa. I think you deserve to be yelled at for at least an hour. quote:“Be quiet!” he ordered sternly, getting to his feet. “If you people hadn’t indulged the girl so shamelessly while she was growin’ up, none of us would have this bother now. I’ve never been engaged to your daughter, I say, and wouldn’t have her to wife even if she were the only available woman in the world. Now take yourselves out of here before I ask somebody to have you put out.” In some alternate universe where Green wasn't so cishet centric, the relationships would be Jovvi/lorand (lack of caps intentional) and Vallant/Rion, with Tamrissa being given them space to heal and Naran not existing at all. quote:Mirra stood sulking furiously while her father sputtered and her mother babbled. They might have stayed like that forever if Vallant’s “companion” hadn’t stepped forward with a scowl of his own. Dom Agran ended his sputtering, and glared at Vallant. So did you get your tea and sandwich? quote:“There’s nothin’ wrong with a man dedicatin’ his life to givin’ his wife and daughter everythin’ their hearts desire,” the man stated flatly. “And keepin’ hurt from them, which you made me miss out on today. You haven’t heard the last of this, Ro, my word on that.” Real talk for a second: if you were Dom Agran, would you seriously show up in person to try and pressure Vallant into doing the right thing? Surely you would just hit up your buddy/rival Dom "Daddy" Ro and tell him that his second son has dishonored the Agran family, and this is just the heads up that Vallant can expect to be sued for breach of contract. quote:Vallant found himself cursing again, only this time out loud in a mutter. Didn’t he have enough problems to face, without needing the addition of all these women? No other man he knew could walk away from girl after girl and still be haunted by them in one way or another. What had made him so lucky…? After all that, Green still writes "so lucky...?" instead of "so...lucky?". quote:Well, lucky or not, he’d sworn off all of them. And he would keep his word, he would! Not-spoilers: he won't. Summary: Day 8 Jovvi/Rion/Lorand/Vallant realizes the whole thing is a sham. After the competition, she's kidnapped by Allestine/he's accosted by Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 39 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 20 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 54 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 40 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 10 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 10 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 45 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 23 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 42 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 23 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: https://i.imgur.com/fSE1cqv.mp4
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# ? Feb 8, 2021 12:07 |
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quote:CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE Look at Green trying to subvert the stereotypes! quote:I sighed over that unanswerable question as I walked through the entrance, then stopped short only a pair of steps later. There were so many people here today, a lot more than I’d expected for what was really a very unimportant competition. And so many of them held themselves the way nobles do… Fat shaming! quote:And then a thought suddenly came, strangely enough from something my mother had taught my sisters and me. Once, when we were still rather young, my sisters and I had been laughing over how stupid one of the boys at school was. Our mother heard what we were saying, and immediately stepped in to correct us. quote:It didn’t take long to reach the white resin building the competition would be held in, but a large group of people was there ahead of us and moving inside rather slowly. Soonen seemed to be trying to decide whether or not to push ahead through them, but I knew she’d decide not to. Their clothes and bearing showed them to be of the nobility, and she wasn’t likely to chance offending one of them. These people need to get their mood swings checked out. quote:The group of people took their time moving through the doorway, but eventually it was our turn to go inside. I did feel somewhat uncomfortable with so many people around who would soon be watching me, but thinking of them all as enemies helped quite a bit. That new idea frightened me instead, but being frightened was something I’d long ago gotten used to. Blink and you'll miss it. This jump to considering everyone "enemies" is really bizarre and sudden, and why I think Tamrissa has murderous rage issues. quote:The inside of the building was one large, open floor, with lanterns on the walls which made it brightly lit. In the center of the floor was what looked to be a wide half circle of a wall made of clear resin. In front of that half circle were forms covered over with sheets, six of them arranged into a circle of their own. To the right of that arrangement was a double row of chairs with people in most of them, a man standing beside the chairs. He reminded me of Gerdol, although he wasn’t, and Soonen led me right up to him. I didn't need more detail on how the waiting chairs for contestants are arranged. quote:“Dama Domon, this is Adept Odrin,” she said, her tone cold rather than polite. “Adept Odrin is in charge of the competition, and will tell you what to do next.” Does Green even realize she repeated a character name? The guy Tamrissa's father is attempting to marry her off to again is also called Odrin. quote:“Thank you, Sooner, you may run along now,” the heavy man said without looking at her, obviously unaware of the way he’d mispronounced her name. This is what we're reduced to scraping for in terms of humor. quote:“I’m delighted that you’re here, my dear, as the wait was—uh—definitely worth it.” Now might be a good time to build some relationships! I used to do a lot of piano competitions and there would definitely be pre-competition chatter amongst the contestants. Sometimes it's like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tF4xpKobado But more often than not, we're all warmed up and bored, and constantly see each other over and over again because the competition circuit is very small so you just get to know each other and become friends. On a re-read, I think this is Arinna, the Fire magic user who ends up in Pagin's Blending. Mainly because we never get introduced to any other female Fire magic users except for Arinna and Beldara. quote:“My lords and ladies, if I might have your attention,” I just barely heard someone say in much too low a voice. I turned my head to discover that the someone was Odrin, now standing directly in front of the exercise arrangement. He seemed to be trying to get things started, but no one more than four feet away could have heard him. If this guy is important, it would be a good idea to introduce him! Or at least describe him in more detail than just "big". quote:“Yes, my lord, of course,” Odrin quavered, then got a good enough hold on himself to raise his voice. “We’re about to start the competition, my lords and ladies, so I must tell you what it’s all about. The participants will perform one at a time, and what they must do is produce invisible fire.” Definitely Arinna. quote:“… and the results of the timing of each performance will be announced later,” he went on. “Now, with everything explained, it’s time to present our first competitor.” Tamrissa's spent her entire chapter punching down at this guy. And we're supposed to like her for it. quote:All of which did nothing to help me start that exercise. I’d had a light touch on the power ever since I’d gotten here, so I started things off by opening myself wide. I felt the usual tingle as the power flowed through me, and suddenly I knew just how the exercise was supposed to be handled. It related to that weaving we’d done, but this time a different pattern was called for. Besides providing a sudden influx of strength, additional oxygen, alertness, confidence and other miscellaneous affects, being opened to the power also magically endows knowledge magically. I repeated "magically" twice because that's exactly how much explanation is given in the books for this. It gets to the point where it's finally pointed out in Book 8, in like...the second last chapter or something ridiculous like that. quote:My attention went then to the six targets, each of which was in the shape of a four-foot post set in a flat stand. Each post was also constructed of a different material, and starting from the thick wooden one on the left they progressed to heavy leather, pulped wood, burlap, cotton, and fine thread. But all six posts were exactly the same height and diameter, which meant their insides were completely different. Now how does she know that? She doesn't have Earth magic. quote:With the power flowing through me I felt tempted to start with the fine thread, which would be the hardest to keep from burning on the outside when its insides caught. Happily, though, caution was too strongly ingrained in my nature for me to do something that foolish, so I overrode the urge and started with the wood. I also deliberately took my time, since I wasn’t supposed to win. Just enough strength and speed to do the job, and not a smidgen more. This exercise should actually be impossible, since there's no oxygen to ignite inside a solid object. Unless there are air pockets inside each one, which Fire magic still shouldn't be able to figure out where they are. This is like the most straightforward aspect and I do not understand how Green screws up this worldbuilding. quote:“Excellent, my—uh—dear, really excellent,” Odrin complimented as he came back to stand next to me, once again sounding as though he recited a—mostly—prepared speech. “That will certainly set the mark for the rest of the participants, and now you may retire. That gentleman there will escort you.” You should have tried talking to her BEFORE. When you were sitting across from her and she said something to you! quote:“Good morning,” a voice said, breaking into my thoughts. “Your performance was delightful just now, so I thought I’d come out and tell you so.” Actually, Lanir, you were complimenting her on her magical ability. But I suppose it's all the same thing to you. quote:“You know, a very learned friend of mine made an interesting point,” I rattled on, pretending I heard nothing of a personal nature in his conversation. “He said that the nobility had to keep the testing fair, otherwise they would be the ones who were penalized. Exempting your children from having to prove themselves makes for weaker heirs, who then breed and raise even weaker ones. If the testing wasn’t fair, my friend said it would eventually be difficult to find anyone in the nobility as strong as a Middle. Don’t you agree?” Foreshadowing! quote:I felt the blood drain from my face, leaving me faintly lightheaded and very cold. His smile had widened again, and those eyes… It will indeed be third time lucky. But Book 4 spoilers not for him! quote:He walked away, and once he was gone the servant appeared. I had the distinct impression that the servant had waited to keep from intruding, but I didn’t ask. I needed to give all my attention to steadying my hands, so that I might drink the hot tea and melt the ice inside me. Not another one, was all my mind could say, over and over. Please, not another one. And why can’t I find this ridiculousness funny…? Isn't it a good thing that you're now a trained High in Fire magic? Spoilers for Book 3 hilsom powder hasn't been mentioned yet, so Tamrissa's fears are quite valid, though it would have been better understood if we had had some random worldbuilding tidbit about hilsom powder BEFORE it becomes plot relevant in Books 3 onwards Summary: Day 8 Jovvi/Rion/Lorand/Vallant/Tamrissa realizes the whole thing is a sham. After the competition, she's Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 20 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 55 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 41 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 10 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 10 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 45 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 23 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 43 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 23 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: I am so glad that we're done with this sequence. There's been so many repetitive sequences that it's hard to rank how bad they are, but I'd say this is vying for a close second with the introduction to the first level masteries, mainly because in both cases, everybody's getting the exact same info dumps with only slight variations for aspects. I'd put the braiding stuff third, simply because those chapters felt shorter and we got some of their experiences second hand via dialogue as opposed to having to read in POV for all of them. The worst repetitive sequence is the initial bath house sequence, because we had to suffer through the same awful dialogue twice. Anyway, the next chapter will be more interesting and then from there, we only have to suffer through one more repetitive sequence before stuff starts happening and we get left with a Book 2 cliffhanger.
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# ? Feb 9, 2021 11:57 |
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quote:CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX As someone who used to live way out of the city, I totally sympathize. quote:“What’s wrong with the dining parlors in our own neighborhood?” Delin is not good at stealth. quote:The host sat them at a fine table, off to one side of the room for privacy, but in a location which commanded a view of everything going on. Delin had paid good silver for that, and expected it to be worth every copper. They each placed their orders for food and drink, and once the host had left, Kambil leaned back in his upholstered chair and pinned Delin with a stare. Woah! Delin actually shared his carriage? quote:“The truth is that I was advised to be here tonight,” Delin admitted readily enough with a grin. “I happened to … meet a lovely lady whose husband is an investigator for the Advisors, and she told me about an extraordinary find that they’d made. It has to do with something we’re all tangentially involved with, and the investigators mean to move tonight—which is why we’re here.” I wish we could go back to the Clarion chapters where internal monologuing about appropriate male fashion accessorizing involved silk, ruffles and hats rather than quote:“That’s Rigos with them!” he hissed, as though the man would have been able to hear him if he’d spoken normally. “Does he have something to do with the reason why we’re here? Never mind, I don’t care even if he does. Just cancel my dinner order, because I’ve completely lost my appetite.” Please stop using phrases that have magical meaning interchangeably with their ordinary meanings in a fantasy novel which involves people using their magical powers. quote:“Right now you’ll have to trust me, since I don’t really know anything. As I said, I have my suspicions about what will happen. Let’s wait and see if I’m right.” Delin: quote:They were brought a large plate of nibbles to keep them occupied until their food was ready, and Delin chuckled to himself when Bron immediately began to stuff them in his mouth. The fool had already forgotten what he’d said about losing his appetite, which showed again what a marvelous “leader” he made. Also Delin: "What's a figure of speech?" quote:Delin could hardly wait until the time came for him to announce that he was the real leader of the group. Also also Delin: https://i.imgur.com/WnMu81Y.mp4 quote:What a pity that that would not be happening until they’d won the Throne. Announcing it sooner would just be too risky, since there was always the possibility of someone finding out— Somehow Green manages to bleed all of the tension and excitement of the spectacle out when she writes it. Part of it is the POV choice and a lot of it is the prose. quote:“They’re going to chain him to the arrest wagon!” Bron exclaimed low as the last of the intruders disappeared outside. “But he’s a noble, just like the rest of us! How do they dare to treat him like that?” This can't seriously be the first time a member of the nobility has been murdered. Spoilers for the rest of the books there are plenty of assassins for hire amongst both high and low nobility. quote:“Well, I don’t,” Bron said, all but taking the words out of Delin’s mouth. “I agree with the Advisors, that no one can be allowed to attack one of us and get away with it. Just think: he could have come after one of us next.” Delin conveniently discounts or forgets about Book 3 spoilers hilsom powder, poison and other drugs. quote:“Is that what you brought us here to see, Delin?” Kambil asked, his voice now filled with curiosity. “If so, how much of it did you know about beforehand?” Real subtle characterization from Green here. quote:“I thought he’d done something where Homin was concerned, and would be taken to task for it where we could witness his embarrassment. I never expected anything like this, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it.” I hate that these books constantly involve people stumbling into facts by accident. quote:Which, of course, was one of the first things they did. Should I be trying to give Green credit for characterization here? Maybe we're meant to pick up that Delin's delusional about his own competence/ability to manipulate things, considering that we already know from a Homin POV that the investigators know about the grudge between Rigos and Elfini. quote:Delin sipped his wine again as he remembered how he’d kept track of what was going on, using his long-standing acquaintance with the chief investigator’s wife. Her fear over what had happened to Elfini kept her after her husband to learn about any progress, and he’d kept her informed just to keep her from badgering him to death. She’d passed on everything she learned to Delin, which was how he’d known to be in the parlor tonight. They’d discovered Rigos’s plans for being at dinner publicly tonight, and so had waited until now to arrest him. but you gotta give Bron points for trying to be an inclusive leader. That's more than I could say about many people in leadership positions in real life. quote:Delin saw a look of pain flash briefly across Kambil’s face, and he knew exactly how the larger man felt. Bron seemed to make a career of pointing out how stupid he was, and this time he’d done it in more ways than one. Here, have a sharp left turn into authorial plot intervention, so the passive protagonists can be railroaded into doing things that they need to do except for the fact that they are way too distracted by their non-issues. quote:“I hope you’re going to say miss the thing entirely,” Bron complained, sprawling back in his chair. “But I can’t possibly be that lucky, so go ahead and make your suggestion.” Delin's plan consists of doing the ballroom equivalent of pulling up next to a woman with this gem of a pick up line: "Heya babe you should totes let us win in a competition that involves deadly use of magic because we're super hotties. We're so pretty that our faces qualify as priceless imperial treasures" Like seduction as a plan is totally valid, but seducing a few random people isn't going to convince most of your opponents into throwing their matches. Seduction is usually useful for espionage or sabotage–and in the case of sabotage, you'd be better off seducing the testing authority's various minions, instead of your actual competition. quote:“What do you mean by reasonable?” Kambil asked before Bron put the confusion in his eyes into words. “If you’re expecting some of them to take gold to ruin their group’s chances in the competition, I’m afraid you’re deluding yourself. Even an imbecile would understand that they’d be throwing away the chance to become the Seated Blending, something they have to be allowed to continue believing in.” This part of the plan is actually good. quote:“And they can’t help but know that a noble group has a better chance of winning than any peasant group,” Bron chimed in, finally understanding the idea and obviously loving it. “They may all believe that they really do stand a chance, but on the inside they’ll know better. This would have been a good time to connect this to the barely introduced plot line about the betting Jovvi noticed earlier. But no, it's Green, so quote:It’s a perfect arrangement, and ought to get us all the information we need. You won’t have any trouble doing it, will you, Kambil?” And people continually forget about Spirit magic. Or is this supposed to indicate that noble children were also brainwashed? This would have been another good opportunity to pick up on that plot thread! quote:“What bothers me is the ethics of the plan, or I should say the lack of ethics. We all really are extremely strong, so there’s no reason to believe we can’t do this on our own. Why do we have to lie to and swindle a bunch of unsuspecting innocents just to steal ourselves a slightly greater edge?” No, you think? quote:Delin sat quietly and sipped his wine, wondering if he ought to kill Kambil if the man refused to cooperate. That would leave them badly in the lurch, so first he would have to find a replacement practitioner of Spirit magic. Who that would be he couldn’t imagine, but there had to be someone among the nobility with the same strength and more ambition— Wouldn't this be a good excuse to go investigate the other noble Blendings? Book 3 spoilers it's all going to happen offscreen because they aren't consequential to the plot as they all get annihilated in the first round of the competition quote:“All right, Bron, I have to admit that you’re right,” Kambil said suddenly after taking a deep breath. “If we mean to have the omelet, we can’t refuse to break a few eggs. I’ll do it, and get us what we need.” Write this chapter from Kambil's POV instead. quote:“Good man,” Bron said in approval, reaching over to clap Kambil on the shoulder. “When we have what we deserve, you’ll be glad you weren’t unreasonable. Now let’s discuss what we might want to know about the peasants.” Because it wasn't obvious from the murder fantasies that Delin's a psychopath. quote:And to indulge in some pleasure by picturing what Rigos must be going through. Delin chuckled to himself as he enjoyed another sip of wine, wondering if they intended to use torture to get a confession, as they sometimes did with peasants. Monitoring bodily reactions wasn’t always reliable, not with the way some people were able to control themselves, so torture was often used in cases where the judge involved thought it was appropriate. As we'll see in Book 3 spoilers this is actually not standard protocol, so I can't tell if this is building up Delin as more of a psycopath or a plothole quote:If they did torture Rigos, the man was really in for it. He would need to face men of no talent like himself—except for the enjoyment they found in their work. In order to stop the pain he would have to confess to doing something he was innocent of, a delicious turn of events to Delin’s way of thinking. Also Delin, in the Gandistran equivalent of a three star Michelin restaurant, right after there's been a high profile arrest: https://i.imgur.com/3T51jOr.mp4 Summary: Day 8 Jovvi/Rion/Lorand/Vallant/Tamrissa realizes the whole thing is a sham. She has to/he doesn't get to/Vallant/Tamrissa gets to go first because she's/he's not a woman/no women are competing/reasons even though there is another woman competing. The competition involves changing a bunch of emotions on six drugged people deliberately/guiding a ball to ring ten bell towers/dissolving a painted cube/smashing a bridge and parting the After the competition, she's Delin, Bron and Kambil witness the public arrest of Rigos for Elfini's murder while making a not so cunning plan to gather intel about their competition at the reception. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 21 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 55 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 41 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 10 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 11 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 45 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 23 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 43 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 23 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: The way I see it, there's two ways of doing this: 1) Let there be no ambiguity about who the antagonists are. In which case, this chapter would have been better from anybody else's perspective: Bron, Kambil, Rigos, or one of the investigators, or a spy working undercover as a serving person in the dining parlor. The majority of this book is focused on the protagonists, so these chapters from the noble antagonists feel like little asides. They'd be better packed into single chapter interludes at major turning points in the protagonists' storylines. Relevant Sanderson example: Sadeas in Stormlight Archive. OR 2) Have two main opposing storylines that build up to an ultimate conflict, where one side has to win and you want that victory to have a devastating emotional impact. Tournament related example: Will Wight's Uncrowned, where he set up two protagonists to battle each other in a knock out round. The fanbase has been bitterly conflicted about that outcome ever since. I can't figure out what emotional impact Green wants these noble POV chapters to have. Are these the equivalent of evil villain monologues or are we supposed to get a feeling of an inevitable conflict that only has a win/lose situation where we're rooting for both sides? It's like she's trying to have it both ways, with how unlikeable her protagonists are and the way she treats her antagonists Book 5 spoilers they all have Shakespearean tragedy type death speeches where they're going on about all their childhood abuse issues.
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# ? Feb 14, 2021 09:11 |
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quote:CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN I am now of the opinion that Jovvi's entire backstory of growing up on the streets is a false memory that she self-incepted. No way that anyone who really grew up surviving on the streets as a pretty kid would be rattled by a kidnap attempt. quote:“Oh, do get up and take a proper seat, girl,” Allestine said, beginning to be annoyed. “Nothing will be done to you until we get back to Rincammon, and then your behavior on the trip will help to decide just how stern the punishment is to be. What a pity you now have to abandon all your personal possessions, which you would not have had to do if you’d been reasonable.” So Allestine did notice that Jovvi packed all her favorite dresses! quote:Jovvi could feel how much Allestine enjoyed that idea, and the two men, Ark and Bar, were almost as amused. They all enjoyed forcing people to do as they wished, especially supposedly helpless people. But I didn't think she'd be one for using "fresh" in that way. quote:Ark sat beside Allestine to Jovvi’s left, and Bar sat to the right, next to where Jovvi herself was to sit. At Allestine’s order Bar smiled with pleasure and raised one big hand, ready to slap Jovvi hard across the face. It would hardly be the first time he’d done that to a girl, and not only at Allestine’s orders. Bar enjoyed hitting women, and indulged in the practice every time he could. Guess Rion's little display didn't stick. quote:But not this time. Jovvi reached to him with her ability, but not to soothe and calm the way she used to. She’d learned an incredible amount about her talent since she’d come to Gan Garee, Really? That's news to me! quote:and now she touched Bar with fear. It was the sort of fear he usually produced in the girls of the residence, and his face twisted as he forgot about hitting her and cringed back on the seat with a sob. It was difficult for a man his size to huddle into the farthest corner away from her, but that didn’t stop Bar from trying. Jovvi has a point. Also this is about as competent as any of the antagonists will ever be, except for one event at the end of Book 3. quote:“B-b-but this is illegal,” Allestine stuttered, her mind clanging with shock. “If I report what you’ve done, they’ll arrest you and put you on trial!” Also news to me! Based on everything we've seen of Spirit magic, this is not something Jovvi could do, unless this is supposed to mean that she causes them to die of fright or induces a fatal heart attack due to a fit of rage. Spoilers for the rest of the serieses we will never see anyone with Spirit magic kill someone quote:Those tests and exercises they’ve put me through are an incredible education. Call to the coach driver and tell him to stop.” If you go back to Chapter 2 of Book 1, that is definitely not how Jovvi thinks of Allestine when she's first introduced, nor when Allestine arrives in Gan Garee (Chapter 35 of Book 1). quote:“It’s not difficult to tell that you’ll decide later I was bluffing,” Jovvi said as she prepared to turn and get herself out of the coach. “You’ll talk yourself into believing that I’d never be able to kill anyone, Spoilers for all books: as far as body counts go, Jovvi has the lowest other than Naran, and I think she beats Naran by virtue of joining the Blending earlier quote:and then you’ll decide to come after me again. To save myself that trouble, I’ve decided to do worse than kill you.” I had had the impression that Rincammon was a major population center in the North, but there you go. It's a "small town" apparently. quote:than a High practitioner for the empire would have to be seen to be believed. It’s too bad it has to end this way, Allestine, but try to remember that I didn’t come after you.” Remember this part, it's important! quote:Jovvi slammed the coach door closed on Allestine’s sudden stunned look, and then the coach began to move again. Once it was out of the way, she glanced around to see that she stood on the private road that led to the Fire magic and Spirit magic practice areas. But she was beyond both areas, almost to the road leading out of there. She also held onto Ark and Bar, finding it a bit harder than it had been for some reason, but that wasn’t going to stop her. She meant to hold onto them until their coach went completely beyond her range. After that she would see about walking somewhere to get help. What. The. Hell. WHAT THE HELL! This is the first time we've seen Spirit magic used in a combative situation against other people and that's all we get? FFS. quote:Once she released the men it would take a short while for them to return to normal, but not being drugged like the test subjects meant they would return to normal. The farther away they were when that happened the better, so Jovvi held on as long as she could. When she finally had to let go, she was also finally able to tremble with her own reaction. If by close you mean from one side to the other in this picture quote:and then the authorities would have been after me for trying to run away from the testing procedure. But I can’t report her the way I threatened to do, so what can I do?” Why not? quote:Trying to find an answer to that made her head swim, so much so that the coach had reached her before she even knew it was coming. Stabbing fear made Jovvi look around wildly for someplace to run, but then she heard a blessedly familiar voice. This. This is our street smart protagonist. Who would have grown up in constant danger. On the streets. Surviving by her wits and observational skills alone. quote:“Jovvi, are you all right?” Tamrissa called, then she continued, “Driver, please help her! She looks like she’s about to faint!” Like she almost fainted right after the fireball too. quote:Jovvi did feel as though she were about to lose consciousness, probably because she’d pushed herself too far. The competition had been very tiring, Way to retcon something that looked like a cakewalk for Jovvi only 6 chapters ago, Green. quote:and then the struggle with Allestine and the two men… When the coach driver appeared next to her and lent a supporting arm, Jovvi leaned against him gratefully. She also needed his help to climb into the coach, and once she was on a seat it was Tamma who was there with a supporting arm. Did anyone get the sense that Jovvi was struggling to deal with her kidnappers? *cue crickets* quote:“Please get us back to the residence as quickly as possible,” Jovvi heard Tamma say to the driver. A moment after the door was slammed shut they were moving again, and a long moment after that Jovvi’s head began to clear a little. NO I DO NOT NEED A RECAP OF THIS. IT JUST HAPPENED. quote:“I wasn’t the one doing the taking,” Jovvi managed to say, People complain about Shallan's unfunny puns/attempts at wordplay in Stormlight Archive but it's never this bad. quote:her head against the seat back. “Allestine and her bullies were waiting for me, and they tried to kidnap me. I had to use my ability to get away from them, and the effort really drained me. That means I’ll be fine, so you can stop worrying.” For once I agree with Tamrissa. quote:“Are you trying to prove or disprove that old saying about the third time being the charm? You can’t think you still owe her something, not after the way she’s been trying to make you her slave.” That would actually be a good character reason. quote:“It has nothing to do with owing anything to Allestine,” Jovvi said, wishing she had a cup of hot tea to sip from. “If I hadn’t been beautiful she never would have taken me into the residence, and during my time there I more than repaid her investment in time and money. What a missed opportunity to have a more nuanced relationship along the lines of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt50UtON8Go quote:It’s just that I … can’t bear to report anyone to the guard … not after what I saw growing up.” Yeah I'm drawing a blank too. Trouble with the guard wasn't in the three paragraph flashback we got about your mom selling her own kids after your dad died. quote:Happily Tamma remained silent for a moment, then she shook her head. quote:but most people can’t understand mine either,” she said with a sigh. “Some day we’ll have to talk about it, but right now there are other things to discuss. You said you told Allestine you would report her, so maybe she’ll believe you and go home. I don’t particularly care how we get rid of her, as long as we do see the last of her.” There you go. No need to give the antagonists any character development or complexity. Why bother wasting all of that page count? Just have your protagonists sum them up in one neat little speech instead of showing anything. quote:“So she’s almost guaranteed to come after you again,” Tamma said, sounding defeated. “And if she tries it again at the house, she may decide again to add me in as well. What a pity if she does decide on that. I’ll just have to tell her to get in line.” Tamrissa's like one of those annoying people who constantly drops "cryptic" comments in hopes that you'll ask her about it. quote:“There’s more behind that comment than just the urge to make a comment,” Jovvi said with a frown, knowing the truth of that even with exhaustion waiting to take her. “What happened, Tamma? And how did the competition go? With Allestine and her nonsense, I forgot all about it.” You JUST REMEMBERED when you were complaining about how "tired" and "exhausted" you are. quote:“The competition itself went fine,” Tamma said with a shrug, now very taken with watching her fingers twist about each other in her lap. “I decided that my best chance would be to be only strong enough to complete the exercise, so I did but certainly lost the competition. They threw me out after my turn was done, so I don’t know how anyone else did.” Oh Tamrissa. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1XGPvbWn0A You are not a special snowflake. quote:“We’ll have to discuss the matter once I’ve rested,” Jovvi said, reaching over to still Tamma’s trembling hands. No! I don't want to sit through any more meetings. quote:“In a manner of speaking you are wearing a sign, and we’ll have to think of a way for you to remove it. Right now, though…” Instead of striking out to explore new territory, Green decides to just go with the age old "it's the woman's fault" approach. quote:“You need to rest,” Tamma finished for her, a strong pulse of self-annoyance coming from the girl. “You go through kidnap and escape, and here am I bothering you with my piddling problems. The last time I was the one who fell asleep, so now it’s your turn. Just close your eyes, and I’ll see us safely back to the house.” Objection, you are not actually doing anything, since you're just sitting in the back of the coach. And since the only form of danger to the protagonists right now are manifesting as routinely scheduled random encounters from their officially designated nemeses, I can't even give you the benefit of standing guard either. You are literally just riding in the back of a coach that you're not even paying for. quote:Jovvi smiled to thank her, then just had to close her eyes. There were so many things to do—and talk about—and worry about—but they’d all have to wait until later… There's gonna be another meeting, isn't there? Summary: Day 8 Jovvi/Rion/Lorand/Vallant/Tamrissa realizes the whole thing is a sham. She has to/he doesn't get to/Vallant/Tamrissa gets to go first because she's/he's not a woman/no women are competing/reasons even though there is another woman competing. The competition involves changing a bunch of emotions on six drugged people deliberately/guiding a ball to ring ten bell towers/dissolving a painted cube/smashing a bridge and parting the After the competition, she's kidnapped by Allestine and frees herself/he's accosted by Meerk, who agrees to locate Hat in response to Lorand's threat of magical violence/Mirra and her parents/Lanir (the Seated High in Fire magic) who intends to breed her like a brood mare. Delin, Bron and Kambil witness the public arrest of Rigos for Elfini's murder while making a not so cunning plan to gather intel about their competition at the reception. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 21 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 55 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 42 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 11 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 11 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 45 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 23 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 43 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 23 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: Sorry about the delay guys, it's been a crazy week for me. Things should start settling down so post frequency should pick up again from next week. I can't get over how Green does the total opposite of what I would do in picking her start and end points for her chapters. She just loooooves spending so much time in transition from one location to another recapping stuff that already happened. Why would you not just end the chapter on Jovvi escaping? Like what is the point of even showing that entire exchange in the coach, other than that these protagonists are just incredibly co-dependent for people who have known each other just over a week? What would look like a better Allestine storyline with the objective of "get major cash generating asset back": Leng posted:
When Plan A fails, go to Plan B:
If Plan B fails, go to Plan C:
If Plan C fails, go to Plan D:
If Plan D fails, go to Plan E:
There. Have a compelling antagonist arc, where you see Allestine slowly being driven by her greed to abandon her morals and go to any lengths to kidnap someone she views as an adoptive daughter. It took all of ten minutes to vomit those bullet points onto the page!
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# ? Feb 20, 2021 15:25 |
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quote:CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT Before we even get into it, I just want to say that I hate this chapter the most out of this entire book, because it is completely meaningless. quote:Lorand was pleased with how quickly the coach came, and he simply sat back and relaxed until they reached the place where Ro was waiting. The big ex-sea captain climbed in quickly, his expression showing some sort of annoyance. There you go, massive spoilers right in the descriptions here. Vallant is hereby now the "ex-sea captain", so any further moaning about how much he misses his ship and how he intends to get back to that life is pointless. Also Lorand is literally about the same size as Vallant, and so is Rion. It makes zero sense for him to describe Vallant as "big". quote:“About time this thing got here,” he muttered as he settled into his seat. “I was just finishin’ my third cup of tea when they told me it was approachin’.” Should I be incrementing the counter three times for this? Are we talking Asian yum cha (dim sum for you Americans) sized cups or large British tea cups? quote:“I barely had time to finish my first cup,” Lorand replied with a frown, Why is this even a point of discussion? quote:then he suddenly understood. “I’ll bet they wanted to let the coach pick us up in order again, Just watch the world's worst transition to a recap in action! quote:so they had to wait for me to finish performing. I was third, and there was a delay when the second participant had to be forcibly put to sleep and carried out. He cracked under the pressure when he made a mistake, and tried to attack the Adept running things.” These poor casual jokes about magical violence aren't getting any funnier. quote:So you went third. I was up first, happily, but I think I managed to lose anyway.” Still no new information in this chapter. quote:“My former Adept guide tried to get me inside too early, but I had the feelin’ he was actin’ on his own and tryin’ to be vindictive. When I told him straight out that I was uncomfortable inside buildin’s, he looked like somebody broke his toy.” How do you join someone in interrupting the conversation when the conversation was only happening between the two of you? Normal people just call this breaking off the conversation. quote:Rion looked his usual calm and easy self, and the first thing he did once he settled himself to Lorand’s right was to turn to Ro. Rion is the real heart of the group. quote:“Yes and yes,” Ro answered with a smile. “I completed the exercise, but mainly because addin’ moisture to the air around my face made me more comfortable. But I’m fairly sure I failed, so my tryin’ real hard didn’t help.” Not one, but TWO recaps in this chapter. quote:“The man running our competition suggested there would be shame and worse for any male contestant whose efforts fell below those of the young lady, but I couldn’t quite see that,” Mardimil commented, his expression now puzzled. “If the girl happened to be stronger, how would that become my fault?” Five paragraphs spent on toxic masculinity Sometimes I can't tell whether Green wanted to point out the toxicness of this stuff or whether she's unaware she's still perpetuating the same toxicity with how her characters are portrayed and relate to each other. quote:“Or determined to overlook it,” Lorand said with a nod. “Or, as in Mardimil’s case, not knowing about it in the first place. That seems to be another point in favor of our guesswork, that this ‘competition’ was really an evaluation. I wonder why the ploy didn’t work with all the contestants.” We just had a meeting in a coach ride where one of the characters is remembering an earlier internal monologue about having a meeting and then tries to organize the meeting, fails and therefore means we're going to have a later meeting about organizing the meeting. Somebody tell Green that organizing meetings is the most agonizing and uninteresting thing you could possibly write about. No, scratch that. Somebody go bet Jim Butcher he can't write an interesting series that's about organizing meetings. quote:The most compelling thing on his mind was the odd way he’d begun to feel. He’d responded to that deliberate attempt to make him try his hardest without even noticing it, which wasn’t at all like him. Only men who were unsure of themselves would have responded, Ro had suggested, but Lorand had never before been unsure of himself. Unsure about using too much of the power and burning out, yes, but not unsure about himself. Vallant is now the official authority on what being a real man is/means. I guess it makes sense (but is horrible because Vallant is a horrible sexist rear end) since he's got the most life experience of main cast, but we never see any of it. quote:So why had he responded to the point of being unhappy about needing to lose the competition? Lorand shifted on the coach seat, trying to understand the attitude that still hadn’t left him. He’d started out being well and truly relieved that he wasn’t going to have to win the competition, and had ended up disappointed that he couldn’t do more. It was crazy to feel that way when worse than death awaited the careless practitioner, so what was wrong with him? Great. Now we have characters actively looking for sermons from the church of Tamrissa! quote:The servant letting them in provided the information that the ladies had already returned, but both had gone to rest after having asked not to be disturbed. That left very little to do, since Mardimil went to his bedchamber and Ro announced he meant to use the bath house. Go forth and quote:Lorand took himself to the library instead, and spent the time until lunch reading a popular history about the empire. This would have been a convenient place to infodump interesting facts about the empire which will become relevant later in the series! quote:Only Mardimil and Ro came to the dining room for lunch, and when they questioned Warla they found out what the ladies were doing. Jovvi, apparently, was sound asleep, having left word that she needed rest more than food. Tamrissa had asked for a tray in her apartment, also a bit too weary for a formal meal. Lorand and Mardimil discussed what might have happened to make the ladies so tired, but naturally could come up with nothing but guesswork. They’d have to wait until later to find out the truth, but Ro didn’t seem as interested. He made no comment at all, and simply concentrated on his food. The worst attempt at trying to write fantasy cafeteria boy talk. quote:After lunch Lorand decided to use the bathing house himself, but discovered he wasn’t in the mood to soak. So he went back to his bedchamber and dressed again, OMFG why should I care about any of this? quote:then returned to the library. But not to read the same book. All that raving about how wonderful and perfect the empire was had begun to turn his stomach. If the empire was all that wonderful, it would hardly contain so many unhappy people. Oh look, another opportunity for Lorand to do some musing on plot relevant stuff that might also help his chances with Jovvi (not that he knows that because he doesn't see her as an actual person). Will it go anywhere? quote:Lorand was still trying to decide what to read when a knock came at the door. Nope! Of course not, this is a Green book. quote:A moment later the door opened, and when he turned away from the shelves it was to see a servant. It's not what you guys think. quote:The servant had said “show him in,” not “show them in.” Lorand hoped it wasn’t bad news, but braced himself just in case. And then the servant returned leading the visitor, and Lorand was doubly glad that he’d braced himself. For what? You didn't do anything. quote:“Dom Coll, congratulations,” the man said with a smile as soon as he saw Lorand. “I’ve been sent to tell you that you’re the winner of our competition, and to deliver your prize—in gold, of course.” An attempt at a cliffhanger, when Jovvi already figured it out seven chapters ago. Summary: Day 8 Jovvi/Rion/Lorand/Vallant/Tamrissa realizes the whole thing is a sham. She has to/he doesn't get to/Vallant/Tamrissa gets to go first because she's/he's not a woman/no women are competing/reasons even though there is another woman competing. The competition involves changing a bunch of emotions on six drugged people deliberately/guiding a ball to ring ten bell towers/dissolving a painted cube/smashing a bridge and parting the After the competition, she's kidnapped by Allestine and frees herself/he's accosted by Meerk, who agrees to locate Hat in response to Lorand's threat of magical violence/Mirra and her parents/Lanir (the Seated High in Fire magic) who intends to breed her like a brood mare. Delin, Bron and Kambil witness the public arrest of Rigos for Elfini's murder while making a not so cunning plan to gather intel about their competition at the reception. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 21 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 55 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 43 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 12 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 11 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 46 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 24 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 44 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 23 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: We just wasted a whole chapter reading about Lorand killing time so that he could be told he "won" a sham competition when we already knew the results were fixed seven chapters ago. Green, this whole chapter should not exist.
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# ? Feb 23, 2021 05:11 |
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quote:CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE Nice to see our leading man is so wonderfully dismissive of mental trauma. quote:So Vallant’s discomfort had another source, and his thoughts were skittering around and making him feel as though he ought to be off and doing things. It finally occurred to him that if he were off and doing things he would have no time to think, so that was what his mind was trying to avoid: thinking, and obviously about some particular subject. One that he didn’t want to think about… I would hate this monologue a lot less if I didn't get the feeling that Green's just using Vallant as a mouthpiece to spout off her views. Like I get annoyed when people criticize an author for having views they disagree with, when in actual fact the author doesn't share those views–the reader has conflated a character's views with the author's own views. The dead giveaway for me is whether the author can convincingly write characters with very different world views. Green doesn't even get a pass on her protagonists, let alone all of her other characters. quote:and in that Vallant had failed miserably. Mirra, the first woman he’d thought about sharing his life with, had proved to be in love with her own desires rather than him, and was more manipulative than he’d ever thought was possible. Yes, you have. Because instead of being mature and respecting her decision to not get into a relationship with you, you decided to be sneaky and underhanded in order to sleep with her because you're convinced you're the Highest Aspect's gift to women and amazing sex will automatically make for a good, lifelong partnership. quote:The pain of those two experiences was more than Vallant would have been able to put into words, as they clearly showed there was something terribly wrong with him. quote:He’d been seriously attracted to two women, both times the attraction had turned to disaster, and he’d never felt so lonely in his entire life. Or such a loser. He was used to winning in everything, but that everything apparently failed to cover the most important aspect of his life. that's not the correct takeaway from all this. quote:Vallant closed his eyes, mentally searching for the will to try again, but for the first time in his life it wasn’t there. He had no interest at all in trying again, not when associating with women brought such pain. And not when the picture of himself that he now carried in his mind was so distorted. A vain, shallow woman was determined to drag him into marriage, and a gentle woman with beauty both inside and out wanted nothing to do with him. What that said about him was an aching throb in his insides, and enough to make him deeply ashamed. hey, what do you know, he got there! quote:It was really too bad that grown men weren’t supposed to cry, Vallant thought, his eyes still tightly closed. He hadn’t even done much crying as a small boy, and that included the time he’d been so frightened. But now he felt a real need to cry, to sob his heart out the way women did when they found themselves helpless in some situation. Vallant was now just as helpless, but tears, like happiness, weren’t permitted him. quote:Deep depression has a way of overcoming restlessness, so Vallant just sat in the chair and brooded. Even accomplishing something in the competitions had lost its urgency, especially now that they were all deliberately trying to lose. There seemed to be nothing left in his life to strive for, and he couldn’t even care about that. What would the testing authority do, he wondered, if he simply walked away and went back to the sea? Probably go straight to Daddy and tell him that Vallant is being a naughty boy. quote:If they tried to reclaim him, he could always threaten to expose their slimy little arrangement. If he covered himself before making the threat, he might even be able to— Yeah, like give a character an opportunity to be somewhere and do something that they actually want, instead of being railroaded into this plot. quote:“I’ll come down,” Vallant said to the serving girl as he rose to his feet. No sense in hearing the bad news in private, not when his absence would be perfectly clear come dinnertime. And the others had been so sure that they were all going to be put into a challenging Blending. Why the hell are YOU confused? You're the only one of these numbnuts to have figured it out beforehand! quote:“Let’s go into the library and send for some tea,” Vallant suggested, no longer too stunned to be able to think. “We can sit down and be comfortable, and incidentally congratulate each other.” These guys are tiptoeing around trying to be stealthy operators but they're coming off more like this: quote:“Tea sounds marvelous, and so does the idea of sitting down.” Well, we saw this coming an entire book away! At least Green has learned and we only had to suffer through two POV chapters of this. quote:“I believe the fact of it, but can’t make sense of it,” Mardimil said as Vallant and Jovvi went forward to join the group. “Tamrissa told us that the ladies came to the same conclusion we did, so this certainly makes no sense. Surely at least one of us would have attained the objective.” I don't need to see Jovvi being smarter than everyone else twice, thanks. Also, you can probably guess how Green's going to get around this. quote:“And they’d recognize us,” Tamrissa agreed glumly. “I’d forgotten about that, but you’re right. And yet I still have the feeling that my guess was close. Tamrissa is the author's self-insert so she's right all the time, though she's always gracious to admit when she's "wrong" but the plot will eventually always prove her to be right and the other person wrong. quote:We know nothing about the other competitors including where their residences are, and that can’t be an accident.” No, no, no, no, no. NO! quote:Everyone thought that was a good idea, so they took turns filling each other in. Oh thank the Highest Aspect for that. quote:Vallant couldn’t help noticing that Tamrissa looked faintly drawn and also seemed to be leaving something out of her story, but it was none of his business. She’d finally made that clear to him, and he’d made sure he would remember it. Not-spoilers: he won't. quote:Once all the descriptions were over, Coll, Mardimil, and Tamrissa went upstairs to get ready for that night. Vallant remembered Coll saying something about how he and Tamrissa were going to help Mardimil see some girl, but knowing that didn’t help to make him feel any less left out. You know, it's your own damned fault. Rion's been super nice to you and you've done nothing but wallow in your stupid self-inflicted misery. quote:That meant he couldn’t stand the idea of going back to his room alone, so he chose instead to join Jovvi in the dining room. Green just couldn't resist more recapping of events we saw. quote:Vallant waited until the servant appearing with the tea had poured and left, and then he said, “How did the testin’ people react when you told them what had happened? I’d think they would send out guardsmen to arrest those fools right away.” Even when the other character doesn't reveal anything new with their reactions. quote:“I didn’t report the incident, and also asked Tamma not to report it,” Jovvi answered, looking at him with serious blue-green eyes. “I can’t explain why I don’t want them arrested, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything either. I’ll think of an unofficial way to discourage them as soon as I’ve had enough sleep.” We should all take a moment to appreciate this. I think this might be the first and only time that Vallant respects someone else's right to make their own decisions about their own lives. quote:“Now I understand why you ladies both look so strained. Kidnappin’ attempts tend to do that to people.” Aren't you supposed to be best friends with Tamrissa now? Why are you deliberately spilling the beans on an event that Tamrissa made sure to gloss over, to this guy of all people? You have freaking Spirit magic, you know how they both feel about this and you should not be doing this! Jovvi is approaching Peter Pettigrew levels of Secret Keeper. quote:Vallant had to fight for a moment to keep from reacting to that news, but after the moment it became a good deal easier. If Tamrissa Domon had wanted his help she would have asked for it, and his continuing pain underscored the fact that she’d done nothing of the sort. That's right. Stay out of it! quote:“What I said bothered you, but now the disturbance has changed,” Jovvi observed, studying him over her teacup. “Does that mean you no longer care what happens to Tamma?” How is a High in Spirit magic this bad at reading people? quote:“Not at all,” Vallant denied, reaching for his own tea. “Dama Domon’s well-bein’ concerns me as much as that of everyone else in this residence. We all do have to stick together, after all… So what do you think the testin’ authority will try next?” No, Jovvi, bad! You stay out of it too! quote:“I know how much she dislikes hurtin’ people,” Vallant said tonelessly as he got to his feet, remembering with a twinge how much Tamrissa had been prepared to sacrifice just to avoid hurting him. “I appreciate the goodness of her heart, but that’s not what I’m lookin’ for in a woman. Please excuse me now, I really do need to return to my bedchamber.” Remember your earlier resolution about courtesans? Now would be a really good time to remember. You might get some pity paid sex from Jovvi! And then you'd get the chance to prove that you are the Highest Aspect's gift to women and maybe Jovvi would stop with her ridiculous mooning over Lorand. I have no idea why the official ships aren't Tamrissa/Lorand and Jovvi/Rion/Vallant, with an additional Rion/Naran thing. Maybe because then there wouldn't be any stupid drama, since Tamrissa and Lorand would be united in their desire to win at whatever cost and they actually talk to each other, and Jovvi could help Rion and Vallant go back to their former lives in exchange for loads of gold and casual sex. quote:Vallant felt her sympathy and attempted comfort all the way into the front hall and to the stairs, but that just made everything worse. Jovvi just casually using her magical powers on Vallant when she's supposed to be still exhausted and wasn't up to even reaching out to see whether servants were listening in to their earlier conversation. quote:What he wanted in a woman was for her to love him, just the way he was prepared to love her. But he couldn’t seem to inspire that even in someone who disliked giving pain, It might have something to do with the fact that you're an rear end. Just saying. quote:and pity was something he would not accept. Better never to be accepted at all, than to be accepted out of pity… Who exactly do you think you're going to run into? The other three are going out and you just left Jovvi in the dining room! Summary: Day 8 Jovvi/Rion/Lorand/Vallant/Tamrissa realizes the whole thing is a sham. She has to/he doesn't get to/Vallant/Tamrissa gets to go first because she's/he's not a woman/no women are competing/reasons even though there is another woman competing. The competition involves changing a bunch of emotions on six drugged people deliberately/guiding a ball to ring ten bell towers/dissolving a painted cube/smashing a bridge and parting the After the competition, she's kidnapped by Allestine and frees herself/he's accosted by Meerk, who agrees to locate Hat in response to Lorand's threat of magical violence/Mirra and her parents/Lanir (the Seated High in Fire magic) who intends to breed her like a brood mare. Delin, Bron and Kambil witness the public arrest of Rigos for Elfini's murder while making a not so cunning plan to gather intel about their competition at the reception. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee, Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee MEALS ON-SCREEN: 21 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 55 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 43 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 12 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 12 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 47 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 24 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 45 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 23 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: There's not even small things that could be done to fix this. The whole "you won a fake competition" and the fake competition itself layered on top of stupid relationship drama for no other reason than to have drama is just uninteresting and unsalvageable.
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# ? Feb 24, 2021 12:06 |
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I think if I was trying to fix the whole 'fake competition' thing, I'd make it public like the challenges against Seated Highs, and let our cast get suspicious when they are each made to go first. Still have one try to lose, and fail, which should hopefully clue them in on at least a wrong assumption that the other 'contestants' are in on a rigged contest.
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# ? Feb 25, 2021 05:24 |
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quote:CHAPTER FORTY Now we have the leading woman objectifying herself. This was such a great and mentally healthy book to read as a fourteen year old girl. Is anyone following this thread a school librarian or knows anything about being a school librarian? I never thought about this as a kid but as an adult, I would sure hope that anything going into an elementary/primary/high school library gets vetted by the school librarian(s) personally. And if that's the case, well, I don't know what my high school librarian was doing/thinking with this series! quote:By the time I got back to my apartment, a realization had forced its way through the roiling. My position in the competitions, the very thing keeping my father currently at bay, had to be doing the same with that noble. That should mean I didn’t need an immediate solution to the problem, only an eventual one. As long as I stayed in the running, that is, something I meant to do anyway. Educational theory distinguishes between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation when it comes to effective learning. Basically, any kind of motivation will result in learning of some sort, but intrinsic motivation is required for deep learning–the kind where you're pursuing knowledge for its own sake because it's interesting to you, instead of just cramming to pass an exam, and so it sticks with you for life. I feel like this principle is relevant in storytelling and writing characters as well. Green's protagonists just suck because 3/5 want nothing to do with the competitions, so their entire reason for being in this plot is author railroading (i.e. extrinsic motivations which are directly in conflict with the character's intrinsic motivations). Vallant should be doing everything he can to go back to his ship and crew. Jovvi should be doing everything she can to disappear and start her new courtesan residence. Rion–well okay he's a special case since he's realized how horrible his home life is, but he should be doing everything he can to escape and start a new life with Naran. Yet anytime any of these characters even think about it, Green automatically cuts off that potential avenue with a "oh well I can't because the testing authority this" and they don't even try. It makes the book incredibly boring to read, because the characters themselves don't even want to be there and they aren't actively trying to do anything about it either. They're just passively suffering through it with us all. quote:Thinking the thing through that far made me feel a bit better, so I went to my wardrobe to decide what to wear. Rion and Lorand would be dressed in their gray trousers and white shirts the way they usually were, but not because they had nothing else really appropriate. Pretty sure they don't have anything appropriate, unless you want Lorand back in his hick farmer clothing and Rion looking like a cross between a clown parrot and a peacock. quote:We wanted them to look as much alike as possible, and identical clothing would help the effect enormously. This sounds awful to me, but okay, let's not pick on fake 17th/18th century fantasy British fashion. What I'm interested in is WHY Tamrissa picked this dress, other than the fact it's brand new. Did she actually enjoy going to parties with her dead husband? Was it because it got her out of the house? Did she make friends with the other wives/mistresses of the horrible men at those parties? (because this is a Green book, we know that they're all cishet pairings) Or was there a whole Lancelot/Guinevere situation where there was a guy she loved and who loved her but her husband is way more powerful and insanely jealous and therefore nothing would come of it? Or did that guy make her a lot of promises and then broke them which is why she's got trust issues with Vallant? We'll never know! quote:It was a bit dressy for what the men would be wearing, but the cloak Rion would have on—and would give to Lorand—should balance that. Green: "I need some way of making Tamrissa 'grow' as a character and develop internal strength but I have no idea how to do that convincingly so I'll just magically handwave this as the author" Spoilers for the next book: it's cos Tamrissa's constantly touching the power, and the power is magically curing her mental issues with self assurance/confidence quote:When I made my way downstairs, I found Rion waiting for me in the front hall. Lorand would have left some time earlier, following the directions I’d given him to the eating parlor. Rion looked very handsome in the black and gold cape he wore, and he smiled when he saw me. Poor Rion. This is probably the only bit of finery from his previous life that he's willing to hang on to. Also I understand that clothing in this sort of setting is extremely expensive so Rion should have decided to sell all of his ridiculous costumes for money if he really wanted to treat Naran or just start building an emergency fund. Even if he got 1/10th or 1/20th of what it cost, it'd be better than nothing, especially since he's already resolved not to wear anything like it ever again. quote:“You look absolutely ravishing this evening, dear lady,” he said, coming forward so that he might take the cloak I carried over one arm. “I very much appreciate your agreeing to celebrate with me tonight, and our carriage is here. As soon as I help you into your cloak, we can be on our way.” I would normally complain about Green telling us exactly what that dialogue was about right after said dialogue, because it's insulting to my intelligence as a reader. But then I realized that all of her dialogue is just as inane so if she hadn't put that there, I would be complaining about why we had to have three paragraphs of stupid dialogue about nothing. At this point in the Let's Read, I think it's fair to say that the bar has fallen so low that I'm on whether or not I should criticize this or give her a pass. quote:Rion opened the door for me, but I got no farther than two steps outside before I stopped short. My father and the man he wanted me to marry, Odrin Hallasser, were on their way in, and surprise stopped them as well. Every time you think we're done with these random encounters... quote:“Why, isn’t this convenient,” my father said with a smile, recovering his balance first—as usual. “Odrin and I were coming by so that he might take you out to dinner, and here you are, already prepared to leave. I’ll just accompany you two until we reach that stables with carriages for hire just a mile or so down the street, and then I’ll leave my daughter and her betrothed alone.” This is why Rion is more fun than any of the others. quote:His hand in my back guided me between two really furious and frustrated men, and a few steps later we’d reached our hired carriage. Rion handed me in and then followed, and once the carriage began to move I let out a very deep breath. Well there's a good question! Considering that it's your house–therefore your staff, because it's only been just over a week since this became an official residence–shouldn't you know all of their loyalties? You've been living here for two years after all. And I thought you enjoyed running the household and resented having to hand it over to Warla! Either Tamrissa spent her entire married life locked in her bedroom and crying whenever she wasn't being sexually assaulted by her dead husband (pretty horrifying) or she was an awful mistress who is unable to inspire any loyalty or dedication so virtually all of her staff don't like her and are willing to spy on her, for money or to spite her. quote:“The only one I can think of is Warla, who isn’t really a servant, so maybe I ought to have a talk with her. She’s missing out on a lot of extra silver.” Spoilers for Book 5: hahahah you think Warla's not passing information to anyone! She totally is; she's passing it all to Ristor Ardanis, the leader of the hidden community of Sight magic people quote:“Which really is too bad, since you’re obviously correct about its being a thriving business.” More spoilers for Book 5: yeah, no, that's not relevant to Warla's agenda quote:“Very true,” Rion agreed. “And speaking about where we’re going, I need to ask if there are any decent shops in the area. With five gold dins in my pouch ready to be spent, I’d like to buy Naran a gift.” Stop. Writing. Dialogue. Like. This! Rion: "I'd like to buy Naran a gift. Could we stop somewhere along the way?" Tamrissa: "That's lovely. There's a beautiful little shop near the dining parlor; I've always wanted to go inside but Gimmis never allowed it. He thought their merchandise wasn't expensive enough." Rion: "Typical crass merchant. Let's go!" quote:By then the carriage was pulling up to the dining parlor, which was just as close to the house as I’d said. Lorand had decided against taking a carriage here himself, preferring to walk as though he intended to go only a very short distance. It would ease the suspicions of anyone watching, he’d said, and at the same time would give him the chance to get some exercise. Spoilers for later: these people are professionals too, but they're incompetent enough that our inexperienced and unobservant protagonists can pick them out quote:So as soon as Rion finished paying off our carriage driver and returned to me, I put a hand on his arm. Which the spies following you won't find suspicious at all! quote:“Your slightest whim is my command. We shall browse for as long as you like.” This character development will just sit here and not get picked up again until Book 4 or 5. quote:A bell on the shop door tinkled as we walked in, and an older woman came through closed curtains all the way at the back. She parted her lips, probably to tell us she was about to close, but then she looked at us again and simply smiled. I too hate shops where the shop assistants pounce on you the second you walk through the door. quote:His voice trailed off as he drifted toward a case of jewelry on the right, but I went the other way. Attractive bolts of cloth were closest to the door with a riot of ribbons beyond them, but my eye had been caught by the blown glass ornaments just past the ribbons. I’d always loved things made of blown glass, but none of it had ever been expensive enough for Gimmis to buy. Now that I had money of my own, I could consider buying anything I pleased. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=379MKwjpJuw&t=6716s quote:“I see you’ve found something to attract your eye,” Rion said suddenly from my left, sounding amused. “We can return here in a moment, if you like, but now I would appreciate your opinion on something.” Actually good characterization! It only happens when her characters are doing things they want to do, that are not related to her main plot whatsoever (because they mostly don't want to be involved in it) and in chapters that are not copy/paste versions of each other. quote:I agreed rather happily, and led him back to what I intended to buy. Unfortunately I discovered that I still hadn’t made up my mind, which was more a disappointment than a surprise. This little exchange is way more touching than the whole conversation about "I also have had people tear my clothes off me" right before they had sex back in Book 2 Chapter 14. quote:Rion put away his change and then took the box, holding it while the woman packed the rest of the figures into a larger box. She had paper trays with forms pressed into their surfaces to set the figures into, and then the trays went into the box one at a time with thick cotton wool between each layer. When she finally closed the box I was fairly certain the figures were protected from being broken, Most of an entire paragraph on watching a store clerk pack their shopping. quote:but there was a moment of awkwardness when Rion tried to take the larger box, too. He needed both hands to manage it properly, and one of his hands was already occupied. Rion is officially the only one with any skill for intrigue. quote:We left the shop with the woman’s warm invitation to come back ringing in our ears, and once outside I drew my cloak a bit more tightly around me. The evening was beginning to be chilly, and the short walk to the dining parlor made me eager for its warmth. We walked inside calmly and easily, closed the door behind us—and then all three of us went into a frenzy of activity. I held the big box while Lorand and Rion quickly exchanged cloaks in the dim entranceway, Rion took the gift for his lady and put it in his new cloak, and Lorand told Rion where the stables was and what arrangements he’d made. It couldn’t have taken more than a minute, and then Rion was heading for the back door while Lorand relieved me of the box. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vniF_eRAsxc quote:“And that should do it,” Lorand said with a smile once Rion was gone. “Now all I have to do is remember to keep my back turned, and everything should be fine.” Unless their observers went in first! quote:“I hope so for Rion’s sake,” I said with a headshake. “He really deserves to be rid of his mother’s manipulations, and maybe this will be the start of it. And now you and I can get something to eat.” How much earlier did Lorand leave? I guess he wasn't spending any time smelling the roses along the way? quote:Since the aroma of marvelous food permeated the air like teasing perfume, I could understand that perfectly. The host greeted us and quickly led us to a table, and we lost no time in ordering. Once the servant had brought us tea and small meat and cheese pastries to hold us until the food came, Lorand leaned back in his chair to study me. Complimentary pastries? I've been to some fancy three Michelin starred French places and even the complimentary stuff was only free breads, never pastries. quote:“I wonder if you would mind helping me think about something I don’t understand,” he said, his fingers toying with one of the pastries that he hadn’t yet tasted. “It isn’t all that important, so if you aren’t in the mood…” Safe...unless their observers are lip readers too! quote:“Well, while I was actually performing during the competition, I remember wishing the exercise could have been harder,” he continued, now looking deeply disturbed. “Afterward I felt dissatisfied over having had to lose, and not in the least relieved. Now I’m afraid there’s something wrong with me, and I don’t know what to do about it. Whatever the condition is, it’s dangerous.” Reality check: when has friendship ever looked anything like this? Even when you are already good friends to start, people don't just overcome lifelong habits and crippling fears through a single conversation, that mostly consists of "the way you think is stupid". quote:“My pleasure,” I said with a smile that didn’t last very long. Both Lorand and Rion were good friends I really valued, but when my thoughts took off in a direction of their own, it wasn’t either of them I thought about. Another man always seemed to be there, a man I hadn’t had much luck in getting along with. It was a stupid waste of time, especially now when he wasn’t even speaking to me any longer, but— Maybe please what? You'll suddenly both develop into mature adults who can communicate with each other? You'll suddenly be ready for a relationship because the sex is amazing? The relationship will suddenly be perfect because the sex is amazing? Wow, Vallant was right. In this world, he can literally his way into a relationship with Tamrissa. Because Green. Summary: Day 8 Jovvi/Rion/Lorand/Vallant/Tamrissa realizes the whole thing is a sham. She has to/he doesn't get to/Vallant/Tamrissa gets to go first because she's/he's not a woman/no women are competing/reasons even though there is another woman competing. The competition involves changing a bunch of emotions on six drugged people deliberately/guiding a ball to ring ten bell towers/dissolving a painted cube/smashing a bridge and parting the After the competition, she's kidnapped by Allestine and frees herself/he's accosted by Meerk, who agrees to locate Hat in response to Lorand's threat of magical violence/Mirra and her parents/Lanir (the Seated High in Fire magic) who intends to breed her like a brood mare. That night, Lorand/Tamrissa/Rion execute their cunning "switch places" scheme so Rion can go on a date with Naran. Delin, Bron and Kambil witness the public arrest of Rigos for Elfini's murder while making a not so cunning plan to gather intel about their competition at the reception. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 15 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor MEALS ON-SCREEN: 21 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS: 11 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 5 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x1), my fleeting love (x1) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 55 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 44 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 12 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 12 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 49 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 25 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 46 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 24 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 5, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: This chapter is probably the high point of Book 2, because it has the best character moment in this book (which, as you guys have seen, are few and far between in this series). It's so frustrating because Green keeps on showing these flashes of being capable of writing better stuff through the rest of the drivel. Tamrissa's little shopping scene with Rion should have come before propositioning Rion for sex. Then I would find their rapport and friendship a whole lot more believable! The whole "Lorand is scared of burnout thing" I already talked about earlier and fixed during the rewrite of Book 1.
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# ? Feb 26, 2021 00:21 |
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Falling behind in this thread is hell because it just means more Blending to binge all at once
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# ? Mar 1, 2021 12:42 |
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quote:CHAPTER FORTY-ONE Green probably didn't mean this as an innuendo, but you guys all know what's coming so I'm reading this as quote:Now he was actually on his way to see Naran, something he hadn’t fully believed he’d manage. He was so used to being thwarted at every turn rather than being helped… If only we had seen this happen in the books, instead of seeing Rion get his way constantly. For a guy who's supposedly been raised to be completely out of touch with society, he really hasn't messed up much. quote:A quick glance around showed no one in sight, so Rion moved through the deepening darkness toward the stables where Coll had rented a horse for him. Traveling on horseback would be faster and easier than using a carriage, even though he would probably need a bath house after the trip. He hadn’t been allowed to ride more often than was fashionable, but he’d been on horseback often enough to know that much. Er, what? Does he plan on galloping the horse the whole way? That's not suspicious or anything. quote:The horse was saddled and waiting for him, and when the stableman said something about Rion’s “brother,” Rion knew approximately what Coll had told the man. It was fortunate that they two looked so much alike; a number of problems had been circumvented because of it. Someone write an alt universe fanfic where Jovvi gets super drunk and follows Rion into the bath house instead of Lorand, doesn't realize it until afterwards at which point she's like, well I think this works out better. quote:Carriage coach traffic was light at that time of the evening, so Rion made good time finding his way to Naran’s new place of residence. The street was an upper middle class neighborhood, meaning it was fairly wide but not comfortably so, and the houses had very little in the way of grounds around them. The houses themselves were also small, and the largest of them couldn’t have contained more than four or five bedchambers. Rion had never visited a neighborhood like this, but for Naran he was willing to dare anything. Oh the horrors of slumming it in an upper middle class neighborhood! He doesn't even have this reaction on being driven through Tamrissa's neighborhood. He also didn't react this badly to Ginge's tavern and that neighborhood (and he didn't get drunk until further in that chapter) so what gives for this sudden reversion to the noble mama's boy? Maybe I'm being harsh but he's also shown no compulsion with using deadly magical force to defend himself and others, so there's nothing "scary" other than the fact that this is a poorer neighborhood than he's used to, which I guess is sufficiently icky if you're part of the plutocracy. quote:A large stable seemed to serve a good portion of the area, and that was where Rion left his horse. He felt tempted to ask directions to the house he sought, but instead took Naran’s gift from his saddlebags, where he’d cushioned it with his cloak, donned the cloak, then left without asking. No one could have followed him, but discretion was the much wiser course. I'll give Rion this; wayfinding in a strange neighborhood in the dark is hard and there probably aren't any street signs. quote:Rion began to head for the front door—before he remembered that the fewer people who saw him, the better. Decorative lanterns lit the front of the house, and anyone walking up to the door would be visible to anyone who happened to be looking out of any of the neighboring houses. He's also the only character who you'll see to be learning from his experiences! Everybody else just miraculously remembers One Magic Trick (or sometimes, One Brilliant Insight) that gets them out of a sticky situation, with Tamrissa being the worst offender. quote:A very long moment passed, and then Rion heard someone unlocking the door. Thinking it would be a servant, he began to put together a semi-coherent explanation of what he was doing there. The door opened and he parted his lips, but all explanations became suddenly unnecessary. It was Naran herself who stood there, dressed in a high-necked and long sleeved gown of gold velvet, and her beautiful face lit up when she saw him. Don't know about you guys, but I think it takes a special kind of person to be able to pull off velvet. I'm assuming in this universe, Naran is wearing silk velvet, and not the horrible synthetic stuff that high street clothing is made of. quote:“My lord, you came after all!” she exclaimed softly as she stepped back to allow him entrance. “I prayed that you would, and now I’ve been answered.” I can't read the words "serious attempt to devour one another" with a straight face here. Someone write a horror version of this where one or both of them turn out to be carnivorous monsters/aliens in disguise. quote:and after a long, satisfying time she reluctantly eased back. Which you've never been to before and so you would have no idea what "the best" is? quote:but if she preferred to stay in he was not about to argue. “For the most part I’m hungry for you,” he continued, “but also in that other, trivial way.” Uh Rion? This is not how you give a romantic gift. quote:“I have only one servant, and she goes home at night,” Naran said, her tone telling him that there was nothing unusual in what was, to him, such an odd practice. Spoilers for later in this chapter/the rest of this series pretty sure she's lying here. quote:“And seeing to your cloak will only take a moment. There’s a coatrack here in the side hall… There, it’s all done. Now may I see what you brought?” Green uses the phrase "definite feeling" over and over again. It's bad prose, but also this phrase will be Significant later on, though it's being used in a normal context here. quote:For some reason Naran seemed uninterested in what he’d brought, and Rion felt a moment of uncertainty. Would such paltry things as the glass figures tell her he had no real interest in her? Having no experience with things of this sort, he’d chosen the two figures which were most often purchased. Should he have bought her a full set instead, or perhaps one of the brooches? Spoilers for Book 5 how the hell does Sight magic work? Clearly Naran just Saw that she's going to love Rion's gift but prior to that she Saw nothing. So did she deliberately check or is this one of those unlooked for visions that pop up randomly? quote:The earnest openness in her expression touched Rion, and before he knew what he was about he’d handed the box to her. He was convinced now that he’d made a grave error, and he watched with dread as she opened the box and began to remove the cotton wool it was filled with. She would be expecting gold and jewels, and all he’d brought was— Spoilers for Books 4 and 5 Naran has no permanent place of residence and they're on the run for the last two books of this series so these gifts will never make another appearance, even in the sequel series unless spoilers for Book 3 it was in her trunk when they bring her into Tamrissa's house which it very well could have been but we'll never know because Green loves to give us loads of unnecessary detail about unimportant stuff and then never mentions important little things like this. quote:“You already have,” he assured her, knowing his smile must look exceedingly strange. Spending thought rather than gold… When she and Tamrissa met, they would most likely become friends instantly. “Do you really like them? I must confess that I had help in picking them out.” Actually, listening to good advice is the mark of a wise person. quote:and then she rose from the chair in which she had been sitting. “And no, I don’t like them, I love them. I’ll be back in just a moment.” Look at all this useless detail. quote:then held out her hand. “Come, you’ve waited long enough for your dinner.” More spoilers for the rest of the books: pretty sure she's also lying here. There's an entire thing and Rion subplot about cooking later on and no mention is ever made of Naran's chef skills quote:“If you hadn’t come it would have gone to waste, but now it can be appreciated instead. Will you pour the wine?” Did all those times in your room at Tamrissa's house not count? quote:and especially not with a beautiful woman. He swallowed his food and drank his wine while gazing at Naran, and she did exactly the same. This sounds super awkward. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONYlKmdylXg I have done this exercise for a minute with a colleague. Yes there were sniffles during and afterwards. I can't imagine doing this for "a while" which sounds a lot longer than 4 minutes. quote:At last Naran smiled and rose, and Rion did the same without hesitation. He’d been waiting for her to be completely ready, and now he knew she was. She led him to yet another room on the ground floor which turned out to be a bedchamber, and its relatively small size almost went unnoticed by him. They were finally up to what he’d been dreaming about, and Rion had no time for noticing the unimportant. Hahahahahaha, "merged". Sorry. Green describes this with all the sensuality of someone explaining how to do a merge of two data tables. I kid you not, that is what Green's prose made me think of. quote:they were both in a state of frenzy, and release came to them all too quickly. But then they were able to begin again, and this time the pleasure went on and on. This book is just going on and on. Kind of like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0U2zJOryHKQ quote:Hours went by, and at one point Rion even napped for a short time. He and Naran couldn’t seem to get enough of each other, and when he used Air magic to increase her pleasure she laughed with delight. We're caught between too much information and not enough here. quote:The time took hours but seemed like moments, especially when it was clearly time for him to go. We will never find out what these are because the entirety of Naran's backstory is explained in like two pages of vague dialogue in Book 5 and it doesn't mention anything of what she does when she's not pretending to be a tavern sex worker or hooking up with Rion. quote:Don’t be sad, my love. Wishing for what we cannot have will only ruin the pleasure we shared. I mean to treasure every moment we spent together, and will continue to dream of possible future moments.” Spoilers for the sequel trilogy there's a whole subplot around this quote:It was a kiss filled only with love and completely without passion, and when they reluctantly parted, Naran smiled again. “And now you must dress. Would you like some help?” Rion just dropping a casual "joke" about beating women in here. After his whole self righteous Knight in Shining Aspect speech about men beating women too. quote:“I would hate having to beat you, so…” Just hammering the reference home. quote:“Bring yourself, and I’ll be completely satisfied,” she returned, apparently meaning what she said. “Be safe and happy until we meet again, my love.” With every Rion and Naran chapter, the dialogue is so sappy because they have to outdo the number of endearments they used to address each other in their last chapter together. quote:They shared what really was a final kiss, and Rion quitted the bedchamber to find his cloak and leave the way he’d come in. Reluctance choked every movement and step, but he truly had no choice about returning to the residence. Outside the night was still and quiet, and he moved through the darkness to the stables where he’d left his horse. What? Didn't "hours" pass already? Shouldn't it be the middle of the night? How early was this dinner? quote:Rion considered interrupting to demand his mount, but he truly wasn’t in a demanding mood. He chose to wait a short while instead, and leaned against the wall to enjoy the crisp cool of the night. I'm pretty sure your tails would have cottoned on to your little switch-a-roo with Lorand by now. And if the residence is full of spies, then one of you will still be reported as "missing". Though all of this is beside the point; Eltrina listed a whole bunch of rules, but "curfew" wasn't one of them! quote:Most of the hire-carriages had been settled into place, so Rion quickly left the stables before someone offered to get his horse. His heart pounded with what he was about, as staying out all night was another thing he’d never tried. Oh bless your little heart. quote:He hurried through the darkness, picturing Naran’s smile of delight when he appeared at her door again. She might well be asleep already, but if so, she would hardly mind being awakened. quote:The uneasiness of that thought brought to mind another so he strode back to the bedchamber where they’d shared themselves. Well you'd certainly hope so, wouldn't you? quote:But where, and even beyond that, why? In the name of every aspect, why…? Dun dun DUN! An actual, proper cliffhanger! I'm astounded! Summary: Day 8 Jovvi/Rion/Lorand/Vallant/Tamrissa realizes the whole thing is a sham. She has to/he doesn't get to/Vallant/Tamrissa gets to go first because she's/he's not a woman/no women are competing/reasons even though there is another woman competing. The competition involves changing a bunch of emotions on six drugged people deliberately/guiding a ball to ring ten bell towers/dissolving a painted cube/smashing a bridge and parting the After the competition, she's kidnapped by Allestine and frees herself/he's accosted by Meerk, who agrees to locate Hat in response to Lorand's threat of magical violence/Mirra and her parents/Lanir (the Seated High in Fire magic) who intends to breed her like a brood mare. That night, Lorand/Tamrissa/Rion execute their cunning "switch places" scheme so Rion can go on a date with Naran, then have magically aided sex with her. Delin, Bron and Kambil witness the public arrest of Rigos for Elfini's murder while making a not so cunning plan to gather intel about their competition at the reception. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 16 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house" MEALS ON-SCREEN: 21 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 13 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 55 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 44 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 12 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 12 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 50 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 25 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 47 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 24 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 6 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: I don't really have anything against the plot points in this little sequence. However: the prose is bad, the sex scene is bad, and there's very little character revealed throughout even though this should be one of the most intimate chapters and foundational to building a strong Rion/Naran relationship. For someone who's trying to write all of these relationships as fated and inevitable and (eventually) the perfect model of what romantic relationships should be like in this universe, Green hasn't put in much effort in showing there's attraction between the characters other than physical attraction. Contrast this to say, the scene with Mara and Kevin in Chapter 6 of Servant of the Empire by Feist and Wurtz. It's about 3300 words long (same length as this chapter) and begins with Mara in her garden. Kevin, her slave from a different world, comes to find her after being dressed in new clothes in the style of his homeland. There's a beautiful interplay between the two characters that cover both the differences in their culture, her past, a tiny role reversal between the two characters that plays on their power dynamic. The bulk of the scene focuses on the lead up to sex rather than the act itself (which is covered by like less than 30 words packed with evocative sensual detail) and it's all very, very effective. Anyway, my point is, for all of these declarations of love between Rion and Naran to mean something, we need to see some substance to their relationship. Spoilers re: Naran maybe Sight magic is a bit trippy in how it affects things, and in all honesty, I'm reminded of Alice and Jasper in Twilight, though Naran's backstory indicates she's not as sheltered as Rion so she should really have some idea about this. Rion, on the other hand, hasn't had any examples of what love looks like and therefore should get a bit of leeway in mistaking physical arousal for love. But since this is supposed to turn out to be True Love, we should be getting some sort of foundation for that here! At a scene level, I think I would pull forward pieces of Naran's backstory from Book 5 and drop it here, along with what Hallina Mardimill is doing, so we can get a microcosm of what the Rion/Naran dynamic is like (him being extremely protective and her being extremely enabling). At a book level, some of the other random background plot that gets dropped about Naran (Book 5 spoilers: like the fact that Tamrissa's dad is after her) should get pulled forward as well, so there's some actual threat to their relationship. So all up, the relationship plot archetype here is "forbidden love" across a class divide. He's rich and noble, she's not; his family disapproves of her, she has a mother who left everything behind and committed fraud to save her and is basically penniless; she's on the run because a sex pest is after her and also she's got fraudulent papers and he wants to protect her but has been temporarily stripped of his money, power and influence. All of that is enough to carry a plot for a book; we don't even need the manchild discovering sex aspect of things to fill out the word count!
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# ? Mar 3, 2021 01:49 |
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quote:CHAPTER FORTY-TWO Overpowered as Spirit magic is, it might possibly be one of the worst talents to have. Imagine being privy to everybody's thoughts and emotions all of the time. It would drive me crazy. quote:By closing her senses down as far as possible, Jovvi was able to give herself enough quiet to eat in. To her surprise she wasn’t able to sever herself entirely from the power, not the way she’d once been able to do. Maybe the increasingly heavy use of power did that to people. She’d have to check with the others—later!—and find out if it was the same for them. This is going to be a (completely pointless) subplot in the next book. quote:With no one dawdling over the food, breakfast was through rather more quickly than most meals. Vallant seemed ready to be the first to get up and leave, but his intention was interrupted when Warla appeared in the doorway to the hall. Look at Green mixing it up with Eltrina coming at BREAKFAST instead of dinner! quote:She also seemed about to add something, but the testing authority representative pushed her way past her. I'm sorry, despite that description, all I can picture is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJ5bF__X3-Q Look at these horrible things: Though maybe Green was just being prophetic about the Elsa cosplay craze? quote:“The colors are different, but that still looks like the sort of uniform we’ve been wearing to the practices,” Jovvi deliberately observed aloud. Now I'm picturing everyone wearing 70s ABBA-style pantsuits as their not-Adult Magic School uniforms. quote:“Will everyone else attending also be wearing a uniform?” Instead of being so blatantly transparent about it, why don't you use your magical powers? We've already seen Rion is perfectly capable of setting up a privacy barrier with Air magic and presumably Jovvi could just create an emotional field of "boring stuff here, nothing to see" around them. Then it wouldn't be so freaking suspicious! quote:They walked well out into the garden, making sure not to hurry, and finally Jovvi muttered, “So now we know how they expect to get away with having everyone at the competitions think they won and therefore show up for the reception: masks, because it’s also a masked ball. We’ll be lucky if we recognize each other.” This is the only time when Lorand has actually made an observation that Jovvi has missed. And it's a weird one to come from him, considering that Jovvi is the fashionista of the group. Though arguably the costumes are really more up Rion's alley, considering how much glitz and feathers he was wearing as part of his normal wardrobe previously. quote:Everyone exclaimed over that, obviously agreeing, which brought Jovvi another thought. Yes! Do this! Or at least, attempt to do this! Do anything, other than follow along this stupid railroad of a plot like compliant little sheeple. quote:“Do you really think they’ll just allow us to leave?” Rion asked, his own bitterness a bright and blazing torch. “They need a certain number of challenging Blendings to make their show look good, and if we try to ruin their plans they’ll return the favor by ruining our lives. I haven’t been really living long enough to want that to happen.” So are fake identities not a thing in this universe? Spoilers for the sequel trilogy they exist and are a thing and a secondary character will be given one of them. quote:“Then why don’t we ruin their plans in another way?” Jovvi asked against the general ocean of dismay and disappointment and disturbance. “We’ve suspected for some time that they were using us, but now we can use them as well. If they teach us how to Blend and we work really hard, we might be able to best their noble Blending. Then we’d be the Seated Five, and there would be nothing they could do about it. What do you say? Are you all willing to try?” So as a reminder, we're almost at the end of Book 2 of a five book series, and the protagonists are still at the freaking "refuse the call to adventure" stage of the hero's journey. This is why I had so much trouble trying to figure out how to do the rewrite in a way that would make trying to win in the competitions a character driven reason - because per the canon, NONE of the protagonists actually want to be involved in this. They would all–including Tamrissa and Lorand, who are the two most enthusiastic about the whole "become a High" thing–rather go about living their own lives than get dragged into these competitions. quote:She waited nervously, and finally Vallant broke the silence. Wow. So convincing. quote:“You won’t be sorry,” Jovvi assured her with a warm smile, then she looked at the men. “None of you will be, and you have my word on that. We can win this thing—if we want to badly enough.” Jovvi: We can totally do this, if we can bother giving a gently caress. Everyone else: Also this is like the second time they've conspicuously gathered in a "we're having an impromptu group meeting" in the garden and then just ended it by everyone individually wandering off like they're NPCs in an RPG. quote:and all she could do was hang onto her own inner balance. Realizing the truth of what the testing authority was trying to do to them had stolen all their previous feelings of pride and accomplishment. The master’s bracelets they all wore had become meaningless, of no more importance than the identification cards they’d begun with. This is diametrically opposed to "we can just win the competitions because we're so strong" that I don't buy it at all. quote:But Jovvi herself refused to feel that way. She’d worked too hard to drag herself out of the gutter to let a pack of smug, useless parasites knock her right back in. Those nobles had had things their own way for much too long; it was time someone taught them that inheriting a title was nothing at all like having to earn it. The idea of becoming one of the Seated Five had been tarnished, but the next Seated Blending, no matter who they turned out to be, would be able to say they’d fought for and won their place. This is a really odd sentiment for Jovvi. It feels like it would be more natural coming from Tamrissa. quote:Now all Jovvi had to do was get the others to feel the way she did … especially the one somebody she couldn’t stop caring about even more than herself… Just a little over a week ago, everybody was just speculating on the absolute safety and power that being one of the Seated Five would bring. Every single one of these characters had not just one, but TWO moments of wishful thinking about this, but none of them seem to remember it right now! ARGH GREEN WHY Also, cue immediately jumping into each POV so we can get on meaningless introspection on self-inflicted drama from everybody that will reveal nothing new about either character or plot or setting. quote:* * * For the love of the Highest Aspect, please SHOW us WHAT he enjoys about it instead of just TELLING us he does and always did! quote:But that was all he felt able to enjoy, despite the decision he’d just made. Or maybe because of it. Fighting to keep from being left by the wayside was a reflex reaction with him, but this time it left him depressed. As badly as everything else was going, he had very little hope that their fighting back would accomplish anything. Besides making things worse, that is. This defeatist attitude from Vallant is also very out of character. He's a rich kid who's had to work his way up to captain from cabin boy scrubbing decks in order to prove his worth so this doesn't make any sense. Does he keep all of his self respect and confidence in his pants? quote:Vallant looked nowhere but ahead of him as he wandered, but that didn’t keep him from being aware of the others. Or one of the others in particular. Once again Tamrissa was acting as though he were invisible, but he still hadn’t figured out the trick of doing the same with her. In point of fact he’d slept very little the night before, struggling with all his strength to banish Tamrissa from his thoughts. Because you're an rear end in a top hat. quote:In a definite way she was as bad for him as Mirra, but one small part of him refused to believe that. Agreed. You two are terrible for each other. Why aren't you sticking with your original resolution of visiting courtesans again? quote:And yet he had to learn to believe that, or he might as well drop out of the group right now. Maybe if he concentrated on winning… Surely the idea of winning to the most powerful position in the empire would be enough to distract him from thoughts of a girl who was wrong for him anyway? It should be able to … it had damned well better… Not-spoilers: it won't and because Green and sex mechanic, it will be plot critical. quote:* * * Yes really. One magical Tamrissa sermon laden with Facts and Logic fixed Lorand's confidence problems! quote:But Jovvi had been asleep again when they’d returned to the residence, so he’d gone to his own bedchamber to relax and do some thinking. No matter what lay ahead of them, he’d thought, Lorand Coll would no longer drag everyone down to his level of fear. He now had the confidence necessary for anything demanded of him, even if it threatened his very mind— This is a mathematically impossible statement. quote:Lorand took a deep breath and let it out slowly, now grimly glad that he hadn’t spoken to Jovvi. Anything he told her would have been a lie, and she deserved better than a liar. A crippled liar, crippled because he hadn’t the courage to stand on his own two feet without trembling at shadows. He hadn’t refused to join the others, not when he had nothing else to do with his life, but he didn’t expect to be of much help to them. He’d end up fighting himself rather than the enemy, and if there had been anyone else to take his place he would have stepped aside without argument. Hat: "Me! Pick me! Pick me! Over here, me! Me me me!" quote:But there wasn’t anyone else, so he would stay. And ignore the pain of knowing he’d never be the man the woman he loved both wanted and needed… Who is quite happy to have a friends with benefits relationship with you! Stop going around proposing marriage to people you have no actual relationship with besides one hookup within a week of meeting them! This is not normal! quote:* * * I hate this false humility so much. All of the protagonists keep swinging between "you call THIS a mastery exercise? It's so easy I could do all of the tasks AT ONCE in my SLEEP without breaking a sweat" and "oh woe is me, I suck at magic and I have no chance of winning, even though everything I've seen to date indicates that the whole system is rigged because I can single handedly go toe to toe with two Adepts and win". quote:An old, small, broken branch lay on the ground near one of the trees, and I bent to pick it up. It looked very lonely just lying there after having been severed from the tree, but obviously it didn’t know how lucky it was. The tree wasn’t trying everything in its power to get the branch back, and certainly wasn’t laughing at it for thinking it had escaped. What. The. Hell. This is the weirdest personification/metaphor yet. quote:The way my father kept laughing at me. I'm laughing at you for the whole lonely broken branch thing. It's so terrible. quote:No wonder he hadn’t taken my status as an entrant seriously. Yeah I'm having a lot of trouble taking you seriously too. quote:He must have known the truth all along. Tamrissa getting in some good schadenfreude. quote:But not the depression. That had been hanging on since last night, even keeping me from sleeping very much. I’d been glad when Lorand hadn’t wanted to dawdle after we’d finished our dinner, and I’d gone straight to my apartment once we were home and hadn’t left it. That was supposed to be the night when Vallant Ro would come to lie with me, the night I’d been thinking about for what seemed like forever. I’d meant to tell him then that I’d decided to risk a relationship, even with all the hounds baying at my heels. Maybe you should have gone to TALK TO HIM like a real adult about this? quote:But Vallant Ro hadn’t shown up, and hadn’t even sent a note to say he wouldn’t be there. Because miracle of miracles, it turns out that he isn't THAT much of sex pest. Just an rear end in a top hat who veers over the line. Often. quote:He’d grown so cold and distant, but common courtesy should have come into play—unless he’d reached the point of caring nothing about me. I’d waited hour after hour, hoping and then praying for a knock at the door, but there had been nothing. I’d known the truth then, and I actually couldn’t find it in me to blame him. By involving himself with me, he would have offended a large number of very wealthy and influential people… None of which you've told him about. Because you're bad at communicating. quote:I felt tears start in my eyes, but there was really nothing to cry about. When every hope you have comes crashing down in ruins, you find yourself well beyond tears. I’d agreed to Jovvi’s suggestion just to keep from needing to argue, not because I expected us to get anywhere. Being surrounded by ruin tends to take your belief away about building; I mean, if that’s the way everything ends up anyway, what’s the sense in bothering? There isn’t any sense in it, so why not just go through the motions? Oh FFS. quote:* * * Green, I don't think "be barely civil" is actually the right turn of phrase you want here. quote:He’d gotten back to the residence late last night, but hadn’t been able to sleep despite all the exercise he’d had. Narrated completely unironically. quote:The question of where Naran could be kept demanding an answer, but he couldn’t find one. She’d disappeared into thin air, and if there had been any signs of struggle he would have been worried as well as baffled to the point of insanity. This is my headcanon for what Naran's been doing her whole adult life, basically: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFJB4ETWYCo quote:“Excuse me, sir,” Rion heard, and looked up to see that he’d been stopped by a servant. “There’s a gentleman at the door who has asked to speak to you. Are you available, or shall I send him away?” Rion: "because I don't have any friends" quote:but the matter might just have something to do with Naran. “It’s all right, I’ll see him.” And accidentally commit murder by strangling someone! quote:The front door stood closed, of course, and when the servant opened it before disappearing discreetly, Rion was able to see that the sloppily dressed visitor was a complete stranger. Throughout basically the entire first five book series, except for The Final "Boss" Encounter, every single battle/match up will be within the same aspect. Seriously. It's like some grown up version of magical Of all the people watching Rion, this guy just HAPPENS to be an Air magic talent? What if they'd sent in an Earth magic talent? How's Air magic going to defend against Earth magic? We don't know and won't find out until Book 5! And it'll be super lame because Green! quote:He seemed to be a rather strong Middle talent, but next to Rion he might as well have been a talentless Guild member. It's so wonderful to know that in this universe, skill and dedication and work ethic counts for basically nothing. Whatever innate talent you're born with, that dictates your lot in life. quote:Mother’s agent must have sent this man in particular with the message, thinking he would be able to defend himself. It hadn’t worked out that way, and the man was quick to admit it. See previous! quote:“Wh-what I expect to do is play it smart,” the man stuttered in his haste to supply the right answer. “The others and I will find something else to do, and then you won’t be bothered again.” Rion continues to be the best protagonist because he actually does stuff instead of wallowing around in self-inflicted misery. quote:“Very,” the man agreed with a gulp, but Rion could see the instant calculation in his eyes and decided against letting it pass. Look at that. He's now strangling someone, but on purpose. Is that better than accidentally strangling someone? quote:“I mean to hold you responsible for the actions of all the rest of your friends, and if one or more of them follow me they won’t be the only ones to experience my displeasure. Now what do you say?” This is the first (and I believe only time) that there is any reference to the Unknown Aspect. Book 5 spoilers I wish I could say that this looks like a reference to Sight magic, but it just makes no sense in the context even knowing Sight magic exists quote:“Practice,” Rion answered dryly, By which you mean "winning the genetic lottery". quote:then stepped back and closed the door in the man’s face. Whether or not his orders would be followed was still up for debate, but at least he’d made some effort to increase his freedom. If it happened to work, all fine and good; if it didn’t, he’d have to try something else. Like leaving an actual dead body. quote:But in the meanwhile, he had another question to ruin his sleep: would Naran eventually return to that house and end up being found? He hoped not, or he would probably lose his head and do something horrible. Like leaving many actual dead bodies? quote:He wished he knew where she was, and why she’d left like that. Where … and why, why, why…? Rion is also the best protagonist because this is a legitimate plot relevant mystery instead of stupid character drama for no reason! quote:* * * In which case, I really don't get why the hell you guys even bother with all these smoke and mirrors. It just creates so much more work for you. Just have it be a straight out "you're eligible for the competitions and we're forcing you to participate" and be done with it! quote:Eltrina laughed aloud in delight at such colossal naïveté. She hadn’t really believed that all the peasants would react that way, but Ollon Kapmar had been absolutely right. He spoke from the experience of having gone through a previous twenty-fifth year, of course, so Eltrina wasn’t as impressed as she’d pretended to be when he’d told her. But the idea of letting them think they’d learned things they weren’t supposed to know was marvelous, no matter who had originally thought of it. It made the poor little things so much easier to manage… I fail to see how... quote:Another laugh escaped her, this time one of anticipation. She couldn’t wait until all those naive little fools learned the real truth, I.e. that they've all been drugged and brainwashed, thanks Green for dropping that Book 3 spoiler in the first third of Book 1. quote:only far too late for it to do them any good. FORESHADOWING! quote:And by then she would have all the power she needed to choose among the males for a toy or two, to keep her entertained for a while. But not too long a while. Lord Kagrin’s father would begrudge her every minute she kept them, and Lord General Trepor Axtin wasn’t a man to trifle with. He might refrain from criticizing her openly, but only if she were firmly seated in Ollon’s place. Can't even keep her characters straight. It's Lord Kogrin, not Kagrin! I also feel sorry for a general saddled with the burden of a name like Trepor. It must strike such laughter into the stomachs of his enemies. quote:Sudden annoyance made Eltrina shift in her seat as it chased away her amusement. All her planning had gone extremely well, and she’d been poised on the brink of arranging Ollon’s sadly fatal accident when circumstances had turned briefly against her. Ollon’s sister had been brutally murdered, and Ollon’s rage over the loss had caused the man to change his habitual actions. He had been spending most of his time haunting the investigators, demanding that they find the one responsible for killing his sister. Eltrina had known Elfini, of course, and personally couldn’t see what the fuss was about. It wasn’t as if someone useful had been killed… Despite how much Green has demonized Eltrina, I like her a lot. She's competent, knows it, and doesn't bother sugarcoating her opinions. I choose to read that last sentence as a major side eyes at the authorial choice to murder an inconsequential character which the author is not even aware of! quote:But Ollon raged on and on about the loss of his precious sister, leading Eltrina to suspect that there had been more between them than a sibling relationship. That part of it didn’t matter in the least, Just casually dropping in some incest in here. Because otherwise you wouldn't know the antagonists are Evil, because non-consensual BDSM wasn't enough of a red flag. quote:but the fact that Eltrina was no longer able to know when Ollon would be in a particular place did. He hadn’t even slept with her since the murder, and how was she supposed to arrange his accident when she never knew where he would be? I hate this because it's uncharacteristic. It's the thought pattern of someone who is incompetent, in the inner voice of someone who we've seen characterized as solidly (if not ultra) competent. quote:Eltrina took a deep breath to calm herself, hoping the rumor she’d heard this morning was true. Just before she left the house, her husband had mentioned that someone had been put under arrest for the murder. His informant had said it was one of their own, a member of the nobility, but no one seemed willing to believe that. A peasant, yes, but a member of the nobility? That was too ridiculous to consider. How do you guys have a noble society that's full of backstabbing without any actual backstabbing happening? It's not like there's any semblance of an honor code that's been established in this empire. quote:But it really didn’t matter who had been arrested, if the action served to return Ollon to his usual habits. She’d been the one doing all the work for the past few days, and that was definitely not part of her plans. Ollon was supposed to do the work before he died, not spend all his time looking for vengeance. If he wasn’t careful, the Advisors would replace him before she had the chance to arrange his accident. Uh, doesn't this achieve exactly what you want? You're doing the work anyway, your boss is MIA, so logically the Advisors would just replace him with you? Spoilers for Book 3 they don't, because this is a super sexist society and a better author would have reflected this knowledge here quote:Time was growing very short, but Eltrina refused to abandon her ambitions. If Ollon wasn’t there to oversee the final arrangements for the competitions, then Eltrina would just have to coax someone else into doing it and then take the credit for herself. She’d already had to pick a replacement for the entrant who had lost his mind during the first competition, and she hadn’t enjoyed having to interrupt her own private schedule to do it. And now she had to drag herself to that tiresome meeting this afternoon in Ollon’s place. Spoilers for Book 3 Puredan works regardless of strength of talent so this makes no sense. quote:The second part of it, though, concerning that idiotic worry about the Prophecies… Ollon appeared to be just as concerned as their superiors, but she certainly wasn’t that foolish. You really have no excuse for missing the first sign. Fireballs don't just randomly appear and attack people every day. Word of that should have spread in all cases, except for Tamrissa's since that happened in her own garden, but everybody else's fireballs happened at a coach depot in broad daylight around the same time! quote:They were all fools, and maybe she would do well to consider taking one of their positions once she had Ollon’s. The first part of this statement could apply to any character in these books. quote:Well, that was for the future. Eltrina smiled again, pleased that she’d stuck to her determination despite all those ridiculous little snags. It meant she was destined for greatness, just as she’d always known… What does Green have against ambitious women? I really want to know. Summary: Day 9 Eltrina delivers sparking custom tailored ABBA-esque cosplay gear for the gang to wear to the masked ball at the palace. Our protagonists have a Very Conspicious Not-Meeting in the garden where they agree to try and win the competitions and become the next Seated Five with as much enthusiasm as someone agreeing to a root canal. One of Hallina's spies delivers verbal threats to Rion regarding Rion and Naran; the spy is magically assaulted by Rion and agrees to convince all of the spies to abandon the mission out of fear for their lives. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 16 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house" MEALS ON-SCREEN: 22 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 14 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 56 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 44 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 12 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 13 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 62 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 31 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 47 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 24 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 7 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: This is 5703 words of complete filler that could have been avoided with one sentence of dialogue from Eltrina somewhere back in Book 1 that goes something like "Congratulations, I'm pleased to inform you all that you have qualified as a competing Blending in this twenty-fifth year!" Liquid Communism posted:I think if I was trying to fix the whole 'fake competition' thing, I'd make it public like the challenges against Seated Highs, and let our cast get suspicious when they are each made to go first. Still have one try to lose, and fail, which should hopefully clue them in on at least a wrong assumption that the other 'contestants' are in on a rigged contest. Basically this. There is no reason to hide the fact that they are participants from the protagonists! No examples are given about how they're "easier to manage". The competitions are fixed at every step of the way, with nonsensical fairness theatre throughout. She's trying to smush together an underdog sports story with a mystery plot and it's just stupid. The mystery is a non-mystery since she dropped all of the answers back in early Book 1. Just have a straight underdog sports story!
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY I just can't fathom why Green thought any of this would be a good idea, or even the smart way of running a corrupt empire. Anyway. We're 4 chapters away from the physical end of Book 2 and 9 chapters away from the actual end of Book 2, so I think we'll have wrapped it up at the end of March. I will need to take a break from this thread for sanity's sake, and while Script Frenzy as a separate event has been long dead, it is another thing on my bucket list, so I'll be carving out April to do that. That means we'll most likely get into Book 3 in May. Leng fucked around with this message at 14:12 on Mar 6, 2021 |
# ? Mar 6, 2021 14:10 |
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quote:CHAPTER FORTY-THREE In-text confirmation that Homin is basically Fat Rion. Also spoilers for the next book you would think that this is because Homin no longer has to live in fear of Elfini, which is partially correct, but it's also because Kambil's been meddling with his head quote:It took only a few moments to follow the servants to his assigned quarters, where he left his coat and new hat. He’d been told that tea was ready before he’d come upstairs, so he went back down to the sitting room to have a cup. He’d only just gotten sugar added when he heard someone else’s arrival, and turned in time to see Delin Moord enter. Book 3 will go into this and not-spoilers, where you live doesn't matter. quote:“What’s come over you, Homin? I scarcely recognize you from just a few short days ago.” Book 3 spoilers wow Kambil quote:“Well, it so happens I’m glad you’ve had a taste of that particular wine,” Delin said, looking at him with the sort of approval Homin had never seen before. “You seemed to be the only one of us who didn’t fully appreciate what our aim was, but now it’s clear that you do. Our success will mean that you never have to go back to someone else’s house, Homin. What you find around you will be yours, and you’ll have guaranteed your independence for the rest of your life.” I don't know anyone in real life who is this oblivious. quote:“And of course I’ll explain the matter to the others, so you needn’t worry. How soon will that new Advisory agent be here?” I liked Feist's depictions of the Assembly of Magicians in the Tsurannuanni Empire as being outside the law much better. It's like Green looked around at her contemporaries, pinched a little bit of everything, except instead of doing anything notable with it, she just made a pallid and lamer copy of it. quote:Delin nodded sober agreement, but Homin simply drank his tea. He’d begun to feel extremely grateful to whomever had removed Elfini from his life, and it was odd to think of Rigos as the one. Was it now necessary to forgive the man for the way he’d treated them? Homin decided to try, but wasn’t sure he would succeed. Uh. What. I assume Green meant to convey that Homin thought being assaulted with whitewash is better than smelling a dirty house, but the way she's constructed this paragraph made me read it as Homin being used to living in a stupid expensive mansion that also happens to be falling apart because of his father's sentimentality and refusal to throw away anything his mother had picked out. Especially after the rest of the noble gang all remarked on it in their second POV chapters. quote:Delin and Bron continued to chat about Rigos for a time, and Homin had the impression that they knew something they weren’t mentioning. After a while the sound of a new arrival came, followed closely by a second arrival. Neither of the newcomers appeared immediately, which presumably meant they’d gone to their apartments first. Another short while passed, and then Selendi and Kambil walked into the room together. I don't care about any of this! I wish Green would skip all of the stage directions and just cut to the bit where STUFF HAPPENS in the scene. quote:“That’s one way to avoid being last,” Delin commented with a grin. “Arrive at the same time someone else does, and then neither of you is last.” The operating and maintenance costs on that must be insane. quote:“If living in a box drives me crazy, how far do you expect the rest of you to get?” Selendi asked, turning with her tea to inspect each of them. “The four of you need me, and you’d better not forget that.” Hahahahaha none of them believe this. quote:but together we’re a force to be reckoned with. So which would you rather be, Selendi? Unimportant or a major force?” Hello to both an infodump and the obligatory trope of a fat person making a joke or remark at their own expense. quote:“Now I can’t wait to meet him,” Delin said with raised brows, a curious amusement flickering in his eyes. “If he’s really worse than you, Homin, we should have it made.” It's Kambil and his grandmother quote:And with that she came to sit next to Homin on the couch he’d chosen, surprising him even further. He’d never expected Selendi to do anything but laugh at him, and he suddenly discovered that he was beginning to be aroused. Quite a lot of his thinking had changed in the past few days, each morning bringing new things for him to discover about the world, but this was far and away the best. He’d never even had the nerve to pay for a woman, but maybe now… quote:“I know we’re supposed to be close to one another, but this is ridiculous,” Bron stated, staring darkly at Selendi. “Don’t you think you’ll be entertained well enough by the rest of us, Lady Selendi? More but in the waving contest sense, but also foreshadowing. quote:Adding a probable virgin is almost an insult.” Who wants to bet whether Homin's first time turns out to be like Rion's? quote:Homin looked back at Selendi to see the flames of need in her lovely eyes, and he shivered with excitement. He’d never had a woman look at him like that before, and suddenly he couldn’t wait for the meeting to be over. Is he, like Rion was, also unaware of what is? Though I suppose Selendi's reputation precedes her so he's probably counting on some happening. quote:“Bron, Selendi is simply doing her part to prepare us for Blending,” Delin said, his voice its usual smoothness. “The closer we are to one another the better a Blending we’ll be, and as our leader I’m sure you know that. We depend on you to help us see things properly, and we could use some of that help now.” Very. Obvious. Foreshadowing. quote:“Yes, well, sometimes it’s hard to be a leader,” Bron grumbled, then he took a deep breath and began to drone on in a repetition of what Delin had just told him. The fool sounded as though he thought no one else had heard Delin, and Homin suddenly realized that that wasn’t the first time it had happened. In fact it happened all the time, only Bron never noticed. You didn't either! Until now. Because Kambil did something extra to you quote:Delin used calling Bron their leader as a tool to lead the fool around by his nose, and Bron didn’t know it! Homin found that very funny, but it wasn’t the time to mention it. Maybe once Selendi stopped looking at him like that… I am so bored. quote:“Lord Hiblit Rahms,” the servant announced, then stepped aside to let the visitor enter. The man who appeared looked very much like the boy Homin had known, but he was no longer so fat that he made Homin look thin. He was of average size in both height and weight, but his face was almost gaunt. His clothes were obviously expensive, but he wore them as though they were filled with pins. Pins that stuck him at every step, Homin thought with a chill as Hiblit approached them. And there was something about the look in his very light eyes… This. This is a glorified post of being a messenger boy and there were loads of applications. quote:where you’ll have the chance to engage the lowborn challengers in conversation. They haven’t yet been officially informed that they’ll be put into Blendings, but you may assume that they’re nevertheless aware of it. Use the time to find out as much as you can about them.” The last outfit from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vf2qM3rpdc but with sequins all over it. quote:“Why were we moved to this residence today rather than at the beginning of the next new week?” Homin asked when Hiblit paused again. He would hardly mind being answered, but that wasn’t why he’d put the question. He wanted to see if there would be any recognition on Hiblit’s part, especially since the man presumably knew Homin was there. Hello second infodump about a new character that we've just met who is boring and I already don't care about. quote:“Are you sure he’s still alive?” Selendi asked with a shudder from beside Homin. “I’ve never felt such … emptiness in a man before, and I hate it. Do we really have to see him again? Emptiness like that makes me sick.” Wow, a guy that Selendi doesn't want to bang. That's some achievement. quote:“It isn’t emptiness,” Kambil said in a strained voice, and Homin looked up to see that the big man was actually pale. A glance at Bron, who should have been ridiculing Selendi’s comments, showed Homin that their supposed leader was too shaken to ridicule anyone, and Kambil looked at least as bad. Is Hiblit a rabbit? quote:“Apparently Hiblit was forced to take his dead brother’s place,” Kambil said with a sigh. “If people understood just how dangerous that was, maybe they’d stop doing it. Hiblit is all control and proper action on the outside, but on the inside all those orders are making him scream. As long as he can keep the scream from escaping, there won’t be any trouble. If it ever gets out of his control, though…” Foreshadowing! quote:People had always pointed out the similarity in their names with a snicker, suggesting he and Hiblit were just alike, but that had never been true. Now, more than ever, he was delightedly glad of it. So these guys have all been through training since childhood. How do they show the same ignorance with regards to what Spirit magic can do as the protagonists? quote:“I think I’ll go to my apartment until lunch is ready,” Selendi announced suddenly, getting to her feet. “Homin, will you escort me there, please?” quote:“Please take my arm.” I am so glad that we didn't need to suffer through a Homin/Selendi sex scene. Summary: Day 9 Eltrina delivers sparking custom tailored ABBA-esque cosplay gear for the gang to wear to the masked ball at the palace. Our protagonists have a Very Conspicious Not-Meeting in the garden where they agree to try and win the competitions and become the next Seated Five with as much enthusiasm as someone agreeing to a root canal. One of Hallina's spies delivers verbal threats to Rion regarding Rion and Naran; the spy is magically assaulted by Rion and agrees to convince all of the spies to abandon the mission out of fear for their lives. Homin, Delin, Bron, Selendi and Kambil are also forced into a communal living situation and meet Hiblit, a living automaton version of Eltrina. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 17 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence MEALS ON-SCREEN: 22 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 14 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 56 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 44 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 12 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 14 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 62 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 32 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 24 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 7 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: The whole reason this chapter exists is to set up something that happens in Chapter 3 of Book 3, which is part of the real end of Book 2. And by set up, I mean clumsily foreshadow so that when it happens we already know everything about it and therefore there is no mystery. And the whole point of that event is to reinforce how super amazing our protagonists are and how dumb/incompetent/incapable everyone else is , so I'm going to deal with the fixes in one go when we get to that chapter. Leng fucked around with this message at 12:58 on Mar 10, 2021 |
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quote:CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR It would sure be inconvenient if Bron had Spirit magic! On that note, we will never see a dumb Spirit magic user. All of them are manipulative people, which is the way Green's set up her magic system. Still, I can't help but think that there should be some diversity in the kinds of characters who are Spirit magic users. Green just uses aspect to typecast and shortcut all character development. quote:Delin nodded and watched Bron leave, then he sat back in his chair with a smile. Bron fell for that same trick every time, but it might be wise to use it as little as possible from now on. If their “leader” ever managed to notice he was no such thing, Delin would have a good deal more trouble controlling him. Let the fool continue to believe as he was supposed to, and that would be one less problem to overcome. Uh, no? See Exhibit A, our protagonists. quote:and the effort would certainly be noticed by whichever servant was there to watch them. The watcher would report to the Advisory agent, which meant the agent would have to be someone who was willing to keep from passing on the report. Someone other than Hiblit, obviously… Also no? Nobody outside of the Seated Five knows how to Blend or anything about Blending. This knowledge is literally used to purge the ranks of the nobility. quote:“Maybe he’ll affect the other groups in the same way,” Delin murmured to himself as he looked around at the very understated room. “If so, we can all stand together and demand someone else in his place, and they’ll have to accommodate us. If all they have left on competition day is their one chosen Blending, someone is very likely to notice.” Delin's whole strategy is to Karen. In fact, pretty much every antagonist's strategy is to Karen. The whole series kind of goes like this whenever the antagonists try to one up each other: Fortunately for our protagonists, Green's Karens are weak to Facts and Logic, which of course is Tamrissa (and co's) super power. quote:Delin chuckled at that as he got to his feet to stroll around the room, examining the accent pieces as he went. Using the other three groups similar to his against Hiblit was a marvelous idea, but not as good an idea as he would have gotten if Rigos were free of confinement. Providing another body which Rigos could be blamed for would be absolutely delicious, but as long as the former agent was kept locked up, Hiblit’s continuing good health was assured. A pity that, since Rigos’s supposed jealousy of the man who had taken his place would not even have to be pointed out… Major failure to launch vibes. quote:Everyone apparently chose to have lunch in their apartments, so Delin also had the rather small dining room to himself. The servants told him that Kambil hadn’t yet returned from his walk, which made Delin think about the big man. Kambil had reacted so strongly to Hiblit’s presence that Delin had been concerned, seeing more of Kambil’s softness than he liked. There was no room for weakness in their group, so something would have to be done about the man. Delin did have one idea, but it would be a while before it was time to use it… Literally just spending paragraphs here killing time between the brand new communal living situation and the masked Spoilers for Book 3 Delin's secret plan is to give Kambil Puredan quote:When it was time to dress in his costume, Delin put it on and then examined himself in the mirror. Tightly fitted orange trousers were something he would normally never even be caught dead in, but as part of the costume they weren’t bad at all. They went perfectly with the collared and long-sleeved shirt all done over in golden sequins, both together giving him the look of a dashing figure out of popular fiction. The mask that went with the outfit was also sequined in gold, with orange feathers adding to its size. His measurements must have been gotten from his tailor, but the clothing certainly hadn’t been made by the man. Delin’s tailor would have screamed and fainted at the very thought of orange trouser material or sequins on a shirt, an attitude Delin had always approved of. Thread challenge: find someone who looks unironically good in this kind of costume. Because I think Delin's tailor has the right idea here. Bright orange sequined pantsuit with feathers sounds horrible. quote:But tonight was a party, and even more importantly it was time to find out about the peasants who would be facing them. Delin had already been asking very proper questions along those lines, and had had Kambil doing the same. The big man might be weak, but he was the only other one in the group who could be trusted not to make a mess of the attempt. They hadn’t yet had the time to compare notes, but the ride to the palace ought to be long enough for that. Well. This is the ONE meeting in a carriage ride that might actually be potentially interesting. quote:When Delin strolled downstairs with his cloak over his arm, the others were already there. Bron and Kambil looked almost as dashing in their identical costumes as he did, and Selendi looked quite fetching in her orange skirt and golden blouse. Homin was the only one of them who now looked absolutely ridiculous, with his fat and shortness emphasized by an outfit designed for the tall and slender. But Homin didn’t seem to know he looked ridiculous, and in a moment Delin found out why. How the hell does Selendi and Homin banging in the coach affect its arrival time in the slightest? Like unless they get particularly acrobatic and then Homin tips the thing over onto its side due to his sheer physical bulk (which would be impossible unless Selendi is also using Air magic to assist), the coach's travelling speed is independent of whatever activities its occupants are engaging in. quote:“That’s all settled, then,” he said with finality. “Now, does anyone know if the coaches have arrived yet?” That's two statements in a row that Delin's made which kind of destroy the illusion of Bron the leader. Delin is bad at this. quote:It turned out that the coaches had arrived a short while ago, so they all donned cloaks and went out to board them. Selendi went straight for the leading coach, of course, and Homin trotted after her with Bron strolling along in their wake. That was perfectly acceptable to Delin, who glanced at Kambil before going to the second coach. Kambil had smiled faintly when their eyes met, and then had followed Delin. As soon as they were settled and the coach had begun to move, Delin looked straight at Kambil through the darkness. In case you'd forgotten that Green spoiled her own series back in Chapter 16 of Book 1. quote:“That’s comforting to know,” Kambil said, sounding as though he meant it. “So that could leave four of our groups to face one another. Two against two then, and the two winners left to face one another.” I... is that supposed to be a not-so-subtle comment on the size of Delin's ? quote:But to get back to the final number of groups which will be competing: my research showed that in the last hundred years, the first competition always eliminated three peasant groups and two noble groups.” Book 3 spoilers Kambil's manipulation of Delin continues. So this is really Kambil's plan, but it's a dumb plan, since as far as I can tell, nobody knows any of these groups compared to any other and as we'll see, there's nothing to identify them to the public when they compete. So as an audience member, you're literally left cheering for either Faceless Nobles in White Group #1 vs Faceless Nobles in White Group #4 so who cares? quote:“I’m sure any of us would have thought of the same thing if they’d done the research,” Delin nevertheless made sure to say. “And I wasn’t the only one checking into things. What have you learned about our supposedly worthy opponents?” According to this, Our Heroes are apparently the only ones who noticed and were able to overcome their Adepts' attempts to block them from passing. This is a major plot hole because 1) we've seen failed mastery candidates just hang out casually to try and keep re-attempting and 2) they should all be going to Lord Kogrin's father whose army is being worn down. quote:“So our opponents won’t have had the chance to get to know each other really well,” Delin said, pleased with the information. “What a tragic shame for their hopes and aspirations.” Green: "I'm too lazy to write these scenes so I've conveniently railroaded the plot in this direction because " quote:Half of them were rated yesterday and the other half early today, but they were told the effort was a ‘competition.’ And then they were all told that they’d won.” OMFG we just got this like two chapters ago, we really didn't need this repeated. quote:“I made sure to speak to many of the people who worked with the entrants as guides,” Kambil continued. “They aren’t very good judges about how strong the entrants really are, since in too many cases their own strength was barely above the level of ordinary. And a curious fact came to light: they allowed more entrants to qualify for Blending status than are usually allowed to do so, but they claimed there was nothing strange about it. It simply happened by error, they insisted, since they worked in pairs against all entrants they meant to eliminate.” In-text confirmation regarding Our Heroes as the Chosen. If the blatantly obvious signs haven't already clued you in. And I've always been disappointed that there were only signs from the elemental aspects and none from Spirit magic. quote:“And it would clearly be a matter of their inadequacy to do the job properly if it weren’t a simple mistake in counting,” Delin said, appreciating the point. “That means they must have been lying, and some of the entrants are considerably stronger. Were you able to find out which?” Not-spoilers because you already saw this coming: the orange and silver group is Pagin and his new housemates. Vallant is an rear end for not sharing intel and the "hide how strong you are" strategy with Pagin back in Chapter 34. Spoilers for the next book: how has nobody put together that they'll be dead or enslaved? A quarter century isn't that long with respect to life expectancies; if losers in the last competitions survived, you would know who they are and that they exist! They should be celebrities! quote:“Well, now he’s in no position to laugh at the gullible fools he lied to,” Delin said with a good deal of satisfaction. “But let’s forget about him and think over what we mean to do tonight. We’ll have to concentrate on the group in orange, but the ones in blue also need to be investigated. If they make it past the first round they should be neutralized in the second, but I dislike depending on the doing of others to keep me safe and happy. I’ll feel much better if we find out as much about them as we can.” Spoilers for Book 3 (I think): Embisson Ruhl put him there, because he knew the truth of Rion's parentage and he outranks Hallina so much that she couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't about Hallina at all, just Embisson being a classist rear end. quote:But none of that is as important as the fact that Mardimil is right there in the middle of the blue group. And he and I were briefly—but pleasantly—friendly at one time.” Unfortunately for Kambil, we know from Rion's POVs that he doesn't remember Kambil at all! quote:“Which means that he won’t hesitate to tell you all about the peasants,” Delin pounced happily. “Especially when you point out—What aspect is Mardimil? I’m almost afraid to ask…” The Fourfold Blendings are really interesting to think about and I wish Green had done more with this concept. If you can Blend without including all of the aspects and your entity is just missing what that aspect gives, could you double up on another aspect? What is the difference between Blending and linking anyway? Green never goes into it because she's on her moral soapbox and it's such a missed opportunity. quote:“Then you’ll see personally to the orange group?” Kambil said, slightly less enthusiasm in his voice than had been there a moment ago. “I’d been thinking maybe I ought to approach them—” Delin conveniently forgetting that Kambil's aspect is Spirit through this whole chapter is just something else. Summary: Day 9 Eltrina delivers sparking custom tailored ABBA-esque cosplay gear for the gang to wear to the masked ball at the palace. Our protagonists have a Very Conspicious Not-Meeting in the garden where they agree to try and win the competitions and become the next Seated Five with as much enthusiasm as someone agreeing to a root canal. One of Hallina's spies delivers verbal threats to Rion regarding Rion and Naran; the spy is magically assaulted by Rion and agrees to convince all of the spies to abandon the mission out of fear for their lives. Homin, Delin, Bron, Selendi and Kambil are also forced into a communal living situation and meet Hiblit, a living automaton version of Eltrina. Delin and Kambil have discovered the competition structure will be 5v5 in round 1, 2v2 in round 2, 1v1 in round 3 (with the pre-selected winners sitting this one out), then 1v1. Counts so far: NAMED ON-SCREEN CHARACTERS WHO WE'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN: 40 (24 in Book 1) Book 1: Mildon Coll, Phor Riven, Jeris Womal, Eldra Sappin, Fod, Lord Astrath, Torrin Ro, Vish "the Fish", Jamrin, Hark, Reshin, Fellar, Ennis, Vosin, Parli Hafford, Regensi, Weeks, Adept Aminto, Mem Follil, Toblis, Kogrin, Lemmis Admen, Miklas Book 2: Nialla, Emar Rumil, Leta Vas, Grami Arstin, Deever, Pracer, Oshin, Arnot, Morin, Rilin, Kinge, Lomad, Worlen, Lidim, Arkow, Odrin TOTALLY INDISTINCT ON-SCREEN LOCATIONS: 17 (9 in Book 1) Book 1: Rincammon, Haven Wraithside, Tamrissa's house in Gan Garee, Port Entril, testing facility in Gan Garee, Regensi's shop, Ginge's tavern, Magross bridge, mastery facility outside Gan Garee Book 2: Nialla's house, Vas residence, Weil residence, Arstin residence in Gan Garee, dining parlor near Tamrissa's house, shop near dining parlor, Naran's "house", noble antagonists' residence MEALS ON-SCREEN: 23 (15 in Book 1) Book 1: Day 1 (lunch, dinner), Day 2 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 3 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 4 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 5 (lunch, dinner), Day 6 (breakfast, lunch, dinner), Day 7 (post-mastery snack, dinner), Day 8 (breakfast, post-competition snack, dinner), Day 9 (breakfast, lunch) EUPHEMISMS FOR BODY PARTS/SEX ACTS: 14 (9 in Book 1) Male: <character name>'s body (x2), discomfort (x1), manhood (x1), desire (x2), renewed need (x1), large and hard, the most perfect of men (x1), dignity (x1) Female: womanhood (x1), entrance of ultimate bliss (x1), desire (x2), incredible tunnel (x1) Sex acts: merged (x1), shared themselves (x1), exercise (x1) TERMS OF ENDEARMENT: 16 (3 in Book 1) Male: love (x4), my fleeting love (x1), my lord (x5), my beloved lord (x2) Female: sweet girl (x1), my sweet (x1), sweetling (x1), my love (x1) ANTAGONISTS: 26 (11 introduced in Book 1) General: Unnamed Chairman/Ollon Kapmar (?) and the five Seated Highs in each aspect, Eltrina Razas, Bron Kallan, Selendi Vas, Homin Weil, Kambil Arstin, Delin Moord Lorand: Eskin Drowd, Jovvi: Allestine and her henchmen Ark and Bar, Genovir, Algus Clarion: Hallina Mardimil, Eskin Drowd, Padril, Arnot Tamrissa: Storn and Avrina Torgar, Beldara Lant, Odrin Hallasser, Soonen, Gerdol, Lanir (who is the Seated High in Fire magic and he's just made it personal) Vallant: Mirra Agran and her parents, Wimand, Rilir PLOTHOLES: 58 (39 in Book 1) COACH RIDES: 45 (21 in Book 1) MEETINGS IN COACHES: 13 (4 in Book 1) OTHER MEETINGS: 14 (3 in Book 1) INTERRUPTED MONOLOGUING: 62 (31 in Book 1) "CLIFFHANGERS": 32 (18 in Book 1) POINTLESS TAMRISSA NARRATION: 12 (11 in Book 1) TEA DRINKING: 48 (22 in Book 1) BLATANT MORALIZING: 24 (19 in Book 1) BATH SCENES: 10 (9 in Book 1) WILFUL MISUNDERSTANDINGS: 7 MIND CONTROL: 6 (5 in Book 1) BADLY WRITTEN SEX SCENES: 6, including 1 rape scene (2 in Book 1) REPETITIVE POV EVENTS:
Possible fixes: The main function of this chapter is to give us a sense of the competition and it's so clumsily done. Delin and Kambil didn't have to work particularly hard for the information (or at least, I assume not because we don't see it and they don't comment on it really, other than Kambil mentioning it would be hard to interview all of the Adepts). It would have been so much more enjoyable and effective if Jovvi and Rion had gone sneaking around using Spirit magic to suss this out. That actually might be quite fun! You get Rion moving through noble society, and Jovvi dealing with the wealthy and the underground. Welp, I think I know who the main POV characters are gonna be if I do a Rewritten Book 2 (Book 5 spoilers and being a Rion centric book, I would be able to throw in 1-2 minor Naran POVs to fit in the Sight magic reveal. Which would leave me with the Vallant and Tamrissa dreamboat as the POV characters for Rewritten Book 3 if/when I get to that point, I hope that I've found a way to make them not horrible during the process of doing Rewritten Book 2. Leng fucked around with this message at 13:02 on Mar 10, 2021 |
# ? Mar 10, 2021 12:58 |