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Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

My boyfriend killed himself last night.
He hung himself in my garage and I found his body.
He didn't say anything about hurting himself before it happened. He had said he was going to leave for the night so I thought that was what he did.
I guess I just want to know about others who have been in this situation or what can be done to cope. I don't really have close friends and I'm not religious. I'm thinking I should reach out to my psychiatrist and find a grief counselor.
Right now I just feel numb.

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massive spider
Dec 6, 2006

sets off a "weirdly specific fetish artwork" vibe

I am so, so sorry.

DickParasite
Dec 2, 2004



Slippery Tilde

My sincere condolences for your loss Dixville. Do you have anyone you can stay with tonight? I think speaking with a grief counsellor is a great idea.

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

DickParasite posted:

My sincere condolences for your loss Dixville. Do you have anyone you can stay with tonight? I think speaking with a grief counsellor is a great idea.

Thinking about calling someone I know who lives nearby to see if I can hang out there

DickParasite
Dec 2, 2004



Slippery Tilde

I think that's a really good idea. I also think finding a grief counsellor would be very helpful too, as well as a grief support group.

Unfortunately it's very late where I am and I have to get to bed, so I can't reply more tonight.

Please take care of yourself.

Famethrowa
Oct 5, 2012



Please, do see a grief counselor and immerse yourself in loved ones and close friends. let them help you with this burden. Above all, when you are ready, let yourself feel.

I'm so sorry.

RepeatingMeme
Dec 27, 2012



Holy poo poo, thats awful im so sorry

Definitely reach out to anyone who can be there for you right now. Absolutely follow your gut and get some grief counseling. This sounds like an incredibly traumatic thing to have to deal with, and when the numbness wears off you shouldn't have to deal with it alone.

Spinz
Jan 7, 2020

Party Time! Be excellent to each other.



Omg Dixville



There is so much bad stuff going on in the world right now, the pandemic, the US is absolutely in the toilet spiraling down

Stay strong, I'm so sorry to hear this terrible thing happened to you
My pms are open day or night

cda
Jan 2, 2010


That's awful. Was this the same person you wrote about in your previous thread?

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

cda posted:

That's awful. Was this the same person you wrote about in your previous thread?

Yes it was my ex, we were trying to work things out. So i still consider him my boyfriend. He was very withdrawn in his last few days. He became very paranoid and seemed to be having delusions about our neighbors. He also apparently was hearing voices. I tried to get him to get treatment but he didn't want it

AlbieQuirky
Oct 9, 2012



College Slice

I am so very sorry. We are here and can listen. Reaching out to your psychiatrist is a good idea as well. Please take care of yourself.

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give


Ultra Carp

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can take comfort in friends and that your psychiatrist can help you with grief counseling; please don't be afraid to reach out to others right now. I know I'm just a random Internet person, but you'll be in my thoughts.

cda
Jan 2, 2010


Dixville posted:

Yes it was my ex, we were trying to work things out. So i still consider him my boyfriend. He was very withdrawn in his last few days. He became very paranoid and seemed to be having delusions about our neighbors. He also apparently was hearing voices. I tried to get him to get treatment but he didn't want it

I am so sorry it came to this. I have had the experience in my life of intensely trying to work on a relationship with someone (a friend, not romantic partner) who killed themselves and it was absolutely the hardest because the fact that I was so closely engaged with them at the time made it feel more like it was my responsibility. But it wasn't. At first, it was hard because all I could remember was our direct interactions with each other and things they said and things I said. But in time I began to remember other things, ways they acted towards other people, stories they told me, things I heard from others, and I saw the totality of the situation more clearly and was able to recognize that I was in no way responsible for their actions, and that I had met my responsibility to them by treating them as a part of my life worth fighting for, just as you did when you encouraged him to get treatment. I believe you'll get to that place if you're not already there.

Salty Lemonade
Jul 3, 2008


I'm a longtime lurker, but I am so sorry Dix. I follow your threads in PI and here and just....I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. Reading your post made me exclaim out loud, "holy poo poo" and clap my hand over my mouth while tears streaked down my cheeks.

This is not something I am familiar with, obviously, but I would absolutely reach out to your psychiatrist and see what they have to say. A grief counselor would be ideal, I think, and I hope that you are able to find eventual peace. Please don't hesitate to let your feelings out here. You are in my thoughts.

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

The hardest thing right now is i keep having flashbacks to everything i saw. It's especially bad when i try to go to sleep. I'm not getting much sleep and barely eating. I just can't even force myself to eat.

Marx Headroom
May 10, 2007

AT LAST! A show with nonono commercials!



Fallen Rib

I was dealing with sleep loss and inability to eat due to grief/stress recently. One thing that helped me was taking little steps: first I'm going to pick it up with my fork. Then I'm going to bring it up to my mouth. Then I'm going to put it in my mouth. You get the idea.

I still ate way less than usual and sometimes gave up and went back to lie down after 2-3 mouthfuls but at least it was something.

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

I'm going to get some extra anxiety meds from my doctor. Just temporarily. Hopefully that will help some

Poil
Mar 17, 2007



Hope they do. Lots of condolences.

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

I'm going home today to visit my family. Hopefully being around them and getting out of the house will be good for me.

xdirtypinkox
Aug 12, 2004

And it gets easier as I pass the Edward Scissorhands village where privileged white kids date rape girls and taunt me in their SUV's.


My mother shot herself in front of me when I was five and my father dealt with it by living in the same house, refusing to deal with the emotional dread and slowly drank himself to death when I was eleven. I never really dealt with it when I was young enough for it to have any kind of positive effect. I guess my advice is deal with it, grieve and process it with as many people as you need to. If you don't it could/might come back up at another time when you least suspect it.

A Lone Girl Flier
Sep 29, 2009

This post is dedicated to all those who fell by the forums, for nothing is wasted, and every apparent failure is but a challenge to others.


Hey Dixville, how was the visit to your family?

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

I'm still with them. It's been good to see them and talk about things. Even though it's hard talking it out does seem to be helping some.
I did have a dream about him last night. In the dream he said he had faked his death and he came back to me. I pinched myself in the dream to be sure it was real. So apparently that doesn't actually work! I'm glad the dream wasn't a nightmare but it was sad when i woke up and knew it wasn't real.

terminal chillness
Oct 16, 2008

This baby is off the charts

Hey Dixville, I'm sorry about all this. Nobody deserves the kind of trauma you've gone through and whatever kind of way it makes you feel is ok.

shame on an IGA
Apr 8, 2005



I lost my best friend from high school under almost identical circumstances 13 years ago. Grief counseling is a thing I wish I had done. Stay away from that house and try to spend time with his family, if you get along well with them, and other people who knew both of you.

IME the worst part is in a month or two when the initial shock wears off and life starts going back to normal for everyone around you and your brain has time to start really leaning in to blaming itself, so be ready for that and have someone you can call and talk to lined up now.

It's not your fault.

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

Thanks everyone for the kind words, i really do appreciate it.
I'm going back tomorrow and I'm scared. I don't want to go back knowing he won't be there to greet me. Right now i think part of my brain is saying that he's just gone because I'm gone and I'll see him again when i get back but the rest of me knows what's coming and it's really making me anxious. I think I'll probably cry a lot in the next couple days.

shame on an IGA
Apr 8, 2005



Take someone with you

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

It's a really long flight with a layover. I will have someone with me to drive me home from the airport though.

jack_squat
May 7, 2007
Don't expect much.

To echo what terminal chill said: I think it will be helpful to stay mindful of the fact that, although you will be experiencing deeply unpleasant and painful emotions, these are thoughts and feelings nearly anyone else in the same situation might have. I know when Iím going through something difficult it eases the burden to remind myself Iím walking a well-trodden path.

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

I'm back at home. It wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. The pets help a lot. I don't feel so alone. Obviously it's not easy but I'm getting through it. I go back to work tomorrow. I figure if it's too much i can always take a leave of absence. But i think i want to try to go back so i can be away from the house and have something productive to do. If i stay home i think i would just lay around a lot. I hired a cleaner that came today. My boyfriend did a lot of the house work so it's a lot to do by myself. I think I'll have the cleaner come once a month.

cda
Jan 2, 2010


That sounds incredibly hard.

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

First day back at work today. I feel sluggish but I'm doing ok. I had a lot of anxiety right at the beginning of the day but it seems to be getting better as i get back in the swing of things. I changed up my routine some too so that helped me not feel his absence as much as i would have otherwise.

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

Left work early today. The stress was too much. I hope things go better tomorrow

AlbieQuirky
Oct 9, 2012



College Slice

Take your own time as much as possible. This is a lot to deal with. Wishing you easier days ahead.

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

I'm taking leave from work. Not sure how long. Will talk to my doctor Monday

Spinz
Jan 7, 2020

Party Time! Be excellent to each other.



Good luck, take care, there are no words really! What happened to you would be rough on anyone.

scarybirdman
Jan 17, 2010


Hi dixville, I think we may be kinda close, if you want to hang out any time I'm down. We can just sit and play with our phones, squad goals.

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

You can email me at dixvillesa89 at gmail dot com if you want

Today i cleaned out most of what's left of his stuff. Thank god his dad took care of the vast majority of it including his multiple cars that were here. A lot of it belonged to him anyway. I set some stuff up in his old room to make it mine again. Put my weight set and my saxophone stuff in there and he always kept the door closed so I'm leaving it open. Just to change things up so it feels different than before. Going in the garage was hard but i did it today to take the trash out and put some stuff away. At least things aren't still exactly the same setup, with the car gone. I've also been parking outside the garage so i didn't have to go in. But I did find myself stopping and standing near the place where he was when he died. I didn't really feel anything i just kind of paused there. Almost like i was paying respects but my mind was just blank.

I'm having a zoom meeting with my family tonight. I think we're going to try to do it every week. Gives me something to look forward to.

I don't know how i feel about taking leave from work. Being in the house is kinda hard. But it's getting better every day i think. I think I'll just take a couple weeks off. When I tried to go back the stress was just too much and I made some mistakes in my thinking that lead to something bad happening so I guess it's just too soon for me to focus on work again. I can't help but feel like I failed even though i know i just did the best i could. I'm just going to take things one day at a time I guess.

I'm having trouble getting out of bed when I don't have work though. The only thing that gets me going is my pets and taking care of them. I actually had considered rehoming the dog because he was really the boyfriend's dog and I thought he would remind me too much of him. But actually I feel more bonded to the dog now because we have this shared loss. We are both grieving. It is kind of hard taking care of him by myself and part of me feels like I'm not giving him enough attention but I think some of it is just because I'm depressed. Hopefully that should improve with time.

RepeatingMeme
Dec 27, 2012



Hope youre hanging in there D, glad youve got the doggo with you and are bonding with it more

Dixville
Nov 4, 2008

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.


Ham Wrangler

Thanks. I decided to just take 1 week off and come back next week. It's hard staying at home and i feel like i need something to do. I also feel like I'm making faster progress than I thought with managing my stress. I've been working on meditation and I made a goal to play my saxophone 3 times a week which I think helps. I feel like staying at home is causing me more anxiety than I expected just because of not having enough to do. I also read up on some other people's experiences coming back to work and got some ideas to help me cope. The biggest things i took away were to make lots of lists to keep track of what I need to do, and to have a supervisor look over more difficult tasks to make sure I'm not missing anything. I think if I can implement those ideas i should do better at work.

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Thank You Card
Mar 20, 2007

I'm your only friend.


i wish i had something more to say but i genuinely admire your strength, op. you're handling this better than i would and better than you think. sincerely, this is the kind of thing i look up to. i hope some day i can be as strong as you are like this

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