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Xelkelvos
Dec 19, 2012


I was fired from a federal job in August of last year because of a combination of a lack of apparent initiative and poor sleep habits that may have not been exacerbated by my own sleep apnea or depression. Most of it was my fault. Unbeknownst to my parents though, I had basically lived on savings accrued from my job up until now. To them, I told them that I wasn't kept on in June when my probation period there ended and so they assumed that I was just let go because of Covid or other government things. Fortunately, I got a job lined up for a different government agency starting at the end of this month that's located at an 18 hour drive from my current location, but I can work remotely until they say otherwise. My own depression, combined with the stresses of moving, and just my general emotional state caused a mild breakdown while visiting my parents. They did their best to console me and tell me my anxieties about my job situation and my life weren't my fault and things will get better, but to them, I've only been out of a job since June. Not last August. They're not particularly inquisitive about my money situation as far as I know and always offer to give me money if I need it but even from before, I always felt guilty getting money from them. It didn't stop me from taking it, but I still felt bad. Even now, I still feel guilty from taking money from them, even as my savings are running into the red and I'm down to the balances in my credit cards.

But I don't know what to do. Obviously my conscience tells me I should tell them the truth now, but another part of me is satisfied with continuing to hide it since I've done it this long and I can keep putting it off, possibly forever, or at least until I'm stable and above water again. I also know I'm in a better position than most, especially as I have nothing depending on my to bring home an income and my parents have the spare money to also give me money, but part of me is just tired of living and dealing with life and just wants to give up. I'm almost 30 but I don't feel like I'm even laying the foundations of accomplishing anything or having something that I feel is safe and stable in my life and the mix of emotions I feel for myself are largely all negative and range from self loathing to disappointment.

I'm just in a bad emotional state and I don't know what to do.

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Crosswell
Jun 7, 2007
Lying in a Bombay alley

Tell them. Maybe you could get another job and they would never know. I bet it would be easier to get that other job if they did know and you had their support. This is one of those extremely simple problems from the outside since every single other option has possibly dire consequences. You're terrified of being revealed as an impostor. Well guess what? You're Mr. Impostor guy. That's what you did. Say, 'I'm Mr. Impostor guy'. Own it. Now knock it the gently caress off. The longer you keep lying to the people you trust the more you will hurt them by breaking down that trust. Do it tonight. It'll be fine. Life doesn't end when you fail or most people wouldn't make it out of adolescence. Just be grateful for your safety net, and don't break the safety net's trust to preserve the safety net's perfect image of you.

Xelkelvos
Dec 19, 2012


Crosswell posted:

Tell them. Maybe you could get another job and they would never know. I bet it would be easier to get that other job if they did know and you had their support. This is one of those extremely simple problems from the outside since every single other option has possibly dire consequences. You're terrified of being revealed as an impostor. Well guess what? You're Mr. Impostor guy. That's what you did. Say, 'I'm Mr. Impostor guy'. Own it. Now knock it the gently caress off. The longer you keep lying to the people you trust the more you will hurt them by breaking down that trust. Do it tonight. It'll be fine. Life doesn't end when you fail or most people wouldn't make it out of adolescence. Just be grateful for your safety net, and don't break the safety net's trust to preserve the safety net's perfect image of you.

The thing is that they'd support me if I didn't tell them, but I also don't trust my parents all that much. Something that's maybe a relic from my childhood when they seemed to expect the world from me and would boast things about me with some embellishment and didn't excel as much as I could have and my dad, before he started taking medication to tamp down his own angry outbursts (and who's also waiting for a kidney and 68), would yell and berate me for poor performance. My mother, otoh, seems to have a lack of tact and asks and comments about stuff that I'm personally sensitive about and while I show my displeasure, she doesn't quite get the hint. Expressing my own displeasure while trying to hold back my own anger and distress from it is something I haven't been well able to do and I know she has her own unresolved emotional issues too. My dad also pokes some fun at those things too trying to be firendly or supportive, but it ends up feeling more personal cutting than any sort of ribbing.

Classon Ave. Robot
Oct 7, 2019


It doesn't seem like your parents have done a whole lot to earn honesty from you in general? You wouldn't have lied to them in the first place if they were people who you could trust to treat you well no matter what happens with your job.

Crosswell
Jun 7, 2007
Lying in a Bombay alley

Classon dispenses advice from the viewpoint of an angry loner, which is great if you're looking to become or excel at being an angry loner. If you're looking for the right move, you were told it, you made some noises that sounded like justifications, and now you can't say that I didn't tell you.

literally this big
Jan 10, 2007



Here comes
the Squirtle Squad!


Nah, OP just needs to stop overthinking this.

You're parents gifted you the money, that means you don't owe them anything. The cash was 100% theirs until they handed it to you (or wrote you a check, transferred it, whatever), then it wass 100% yours. They don't have a say in it anymore, nor should they, that's how cash works. If they didn't want you to have it, then they wouldn't have given it to you. Your parents gave you cash while they still thought you were gainfully employed, when you wouldn't have even needed the financial support. Clearly they wanted you to have the money, so there's no need to feel guilty about having the money. Unless your parents specifically said to you "Son, we're only giving you this money because you're currently employed, and we wouldn't be giving you this money if you were unemployed", then there's no moral quandary here. As far as the missing cash, you may as well have blown it in Vegas, it really doesn't matter. Your life happenings are none of your parents' business if you don't wish to share that info with them. Telling your parents about your employment status is 100% your prerogative, and not something to feel shame over.

OP, I know this 'lingering distrust' you speak of very well. Only you know your parents and the full context of this situation. Generally, I'd recommend being as honest as you can in your life, and as I mentioned, you really haven't done anything wrong. But if your honesty here is only going to harm more than it helps, or more harm than you can handle right now, then it just may not be worth it. Only the OP can make that calculation, though.

Fruits of the sea
Dec 1, 2010


It sounds like your guilt about taking gifts from your parents is the root of the issue here. Do you ever feel that you don't talk to them enough, or as though they miss you? It sounds as though they gave you money as an unconditional gift. Depression can really do a number on your head, and make incidental kindnesses appear to be conditional demands. I don't know the specifics of your relationship though, so feel free to correct here.

Try working on your relationship with your parents. Call and chat with them on the weekends, send a picture when you're out on vacation, little things like that. If you have an OK relationship with your parents, then you shouldn't feel so much guilt and shouldn't be compelled to lie about your financial situation. Confessing that you were unemployed for a longer period may help, but in the long term the most important thing is to establish a healthy relationship where you don't feel you have to lie about your circumstances.

This is all assuming your parents have a somewhat healthy attitude of course, but I haven't seen any signs to the contrary in what you've written so far.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


The root of the issue has little to do with being gifted money. The issue is feeling like a failure, from which all other issues are compounded. It's pretty telling that you relate a story about lacking trust in your parents that circumnavigates straight into vague childhood preoccupations with feeling pressured to perform and feeling like you are being questioned/evaluated by your parents on 'sensitive' topics - the usual suspects being life direction, love life, other general personal issues etc.

The funny thing about these sensitive topics is that to somebody who is feeling grounded and confident, they really are nothing but chit-chat, but to somebody with rock-bottom self-worth, they feel like a dreaded inquisition or even almost personal attacks.

You feel like you're a failure in their eyes, whether it's true or not, and you feel like a failure yourself. That makes you depressed and poisons how you think others think and will react to you, and all the other ramifications you touch upon about how you're feeling. It's why you'd hide losing your job and putting yourself in a precarious financial situation. It's a pretty typical toxic combination of fear and pride, and it happens a lot in lot in prototypically supportive and wealthy families, often due to self-recognition of failing despite having advantages, parental expectations (and established successful parents to compare to), and a lack of drive due to a lack of necessity.

But anyway, rather than just ramble on about the why of it, as to what to do about it, in your shoes I'd put a pin in telling your parents about being out of work since June and come back to it later. Understand you may not have emotionally resolved it yet, but now is not the time. Focus entirely on turning your new job into a success. Establish stable financial footing with it, and try and grab a little bit of direction, whether that be through career, relationships or hobbies. You need to rebuild your self-esteem brick by brick. When you feel more secure and in a better state of mind, you can re-evaluate the merits of telling your parents about it or not. I honestly think obsessing about telling them now has a confessional self-loathing aspect to it. Will it help you? Will it help them? All it will do from my POV is just mess with how you perceive they think of you, and probably make them even more concerned and inquisitive into your personal affairs (meaning well), but that's not what you need right now.

AlbieQuirky
Oct 9, 2012



College Slice

What Jeza said. You can open up to your parents when you feel more confident about doing that, but right now your top priority should probably be focusing on doing well with the new job.

Are you ? This would be a great thing to discuss with

cda
Jan 2, 2010


I'm just spitballing here, trying to map out the entire opportunity-space, but have you considered lying more about your job, like tell them you're a NASA test pilot or you've become a mafia bookie or the guy who taste tests cum to see whether various pills and stuff that claim to make your cum taste better really work. Because then they would probably be so relieved when you told them the truth they wouldn't be able to get mad.

Xelkelvos
Dec 19, 2012


AlbieQuirky posted:

What Jeza said. You can open up to your parents when you feel more confident about doing that, but right now your top priority should probably be focusing on doing well with the new job.

Are you ? This would be a great thing to discuss with

Once I get my new job and the insurance that comes with it, that's one of my priorities. Same with getting my prescription topped off.

Fruits of the sea
Dec 1, 2010


Jeza came at the situation with a different angle than I did, but definitely agree that it is also advice worth listening to.

DJ Fuckboy Supreme
Feb 10, 2011

And when you stare long into the abyss, you become aggressively, terminally chill



Crosswell posted:

Classon dispenses advice from the viewpoint of an angry loner, which is great if you're looking to become or excel at being an angry loner. If you're looking for the right move, you were told it, you made some noises that sounded like justifications, and now you can't say that I didn't tell you.

This is pretty targeted and rude to both the OP and CAR, and I'm not a fan tbh. I understand what you're getting at, however please phrase your point differently in future.

Classon Ave. Robot
Oct 7, 2019


It does seem kind of unfair for someone to post about how worthless my life is in every thread even when it has nothing to do with anything I'm posting at that particular moment.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


Fruits of the sea posted:

Jeza came at the situation with a different angle than I did, but definitely agree that it is also advice worth listening to.

Yeah I didn't really mean to come across quite as curtly as that at the start but I couldn't edit my post, so, sorry about that.

mobby_6kl
Aug 9, 2009

"You are the best poster... do not let anyone say otherwise."


Jeza posted:

The root of the issue has little to do with being gifted money. The issue is feeling like a failure, from which all other issues are compounded. It's pretty telling that you relate a story about lacking trust in your parents that circumnavigates straight into vague childhood preoccupations with feeling pressured to perform and feeling like you are being questioned/evaluated by your parents on 'sensitive' topics - the usual suspects being life direction, love life, other general personal issues etc.

The funny thing about these sensitive topics is that to somebody who is feeling grounded and confident, they really are nothing but chit-chat, but to somebody with rock-bottom self-worth, they feel like a dreaded inquisition or even almost personal attacks.

You feel like you're a failure in their eyes, whether it's true or not, and you feel like a failure yourself. That makes you depressed and poisons how you think others think and will react to you, and all the other ramifications you touch upon about how you're feeling. It's why you'd hide losing your job and putting yourself in a precarious financial situation. It's a pretty typical toxic combination of fear and pride, and it happens a lot in lot in prototypically supportive and wealthy families, often due to self-recognition of failing despite having advantages, parental expectations (and established successful parents to compare to), and a lack of drive due to a lack of necessity.
...
Oh gently caress that feels very familiar. In any case yeah I'd second not confessing now, you already said you lost the job so at this point this should be enough to move forward.

Xelkelvos
Dec 19, 2012


Jeza posted:

The root of the issue has little to do with being gifted money. The issue is feeling like a failure, from which all other issues are compounded. It's pretty telling that you relate a story about lacking trust in your parents that circumnavigates straight into vague childhood preoccupations with feeling pressured to perform and feeling like you are being questioned/evaluated by your parents on 'sensitive' topics - the usual suspects being life direction, love life, other general personal issues etc.

The funny thing about these sensitive topics is that to somebody who is feeling grounded and confident, they really are nothing but chit-chat, but to somebody with rock-bottom self-worth, they feel like a dreaded inquisition or even almost personal attacks.

You feel like you're a failure in their eyes, whether it's true or not, and you feel like a failure yourself. That makes you depressed and poisons how you think others think and will react to you, and all the other ramifications you touch upon about how you're feeling. It's why you'd hide losing your job and putting yourself in a precarious financial situation. It's a pretty typical toxic combination of fear and pride, and it happens a lot in lot in prototypically supportive and wealthy families, often due to self-recognition of failing despite having advantages, parental expectations (and established successful parents to compare to), and a lack of drive due to a lack of necessity.

But anyway, rather than just ramble on about the why of it, as to what to do about it, in your shoes I'd put a pin in telling your parents about being out of work since June and come back to it later. Understand you may not have emotionally resolved it yet, but now is not the time. Focus entirely on turning your new job into a success. Establish stable financial footing with it, and try and grab a little bit of direction, whether that be through career, relationships or hobbies. You need to rebuild your self-esteem brick by brick. When you feel more secure and in a better state of mind, you can re-evaluate the merits of telling your parents about it or not. I honestly think obsessing about telling them now has a confessional self-loathing aspect to it. Will it help you? Will it help them? All it will do from my POV is just mess with how you perceive they think of you, and probably make them even more concerned and inquisitive into your personal affairs (meaning well), but that's not what you need right now.

Thanks for this.You hit a lot of things on the head, and with the added factor of both of my parents being immigrants, it's another pretty stereotpyical piece of psychological burden.

I think I will probably hold off on telling them for now. When I talk about my parents having their own psych issues, my Mother is a big example. My mother is fairly attached to me. She's 68 and I'm her only child and she has her own issues of self worth and social connections to others so me moving (again) was painful for her. She's always been eager for me to with them for some reason or another to the point of it feeling pathological. They live about an hour's drive away from me and I've been visiting them once a week and every other time I visit she suggests I stay the night or something. She's still married to my father despite him doing stuff that would end most marriages and those issues have never really been solved between them. To add, my parents live in a rural town, but she's never really learned or worked up the courage to drive on the interstate or for long-ish distances that aren't for work. She also needs to but she doesn't despite me asking her multiple times.

let it mellow
Jun 1, 2000



Dinosaur Gum

Why should a 68 year old woman have to help her son get a job?

Scudworth
Jan 1, 2005

When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons, and make super lemons.



Dinosaur Gum

let it mellow posted:

Why should a 68 year old woman have to help her son get a job?

where was this suggested

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owlhawk911
Nov 8, 2019


lol

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