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Prof. Crocodile



by popular demand this thrad is being created for all yobbers to livepost together all at once in a joyous cacophony of jokes, serious commentary, gifs, and emptyquotes

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Prof. Crocodile



somewhere around 7 pm est i will be liveposting the semi-modern semi-classic hard target

for those unfamiliar with john woo's oeuvre, hard target is the best jcvd movie, the second-best wilfred brimley movie, and the tenth-best lance henriksen movie



Prof. Crocodile fucked around with this message at 14:55 on Aug 14, 2020


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



prepuce repurposed posted:

it's a live thread, like cnn but in text format basically

i believe this is exactly what GaG had in mind when he suggested it

at least i hope so cuz that's what he's gettin


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



nut posted:

i wanna photoshop something but idk what

i would suggest wilfred brimley aheago but i don't think the world is ready


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile





thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



here we go, firing up hard target right now, and you can tell by the first 45 seconds of the titles that it is a 90's action movie


Prof. Crocodile posted:

allo allo trashed crew

enjoying some dank bourbon toinght, and during my liveposting of hard target imma take a drink every time someone says a line that I can't understand because of their accent (real or fake)


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



kasi lemmons? Star of fear of a black hat and director of harriet? how do I not remember her in this movie?


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



fcuk me van damme has spoken 6 words so far and every one was unintelligible, but i am counting that as one line


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



okay i got like 90% of what jcvd said there so i am only taking a small drink

oh and here we go with the kicking

kick kick kick kick kick kick kick punch kick kick break-arm-over-shoulder


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



nut posted:

gonna crack a beer if there are more photoshop ideas maybe something to do with that forklin

can you make forklin rear up and gallop like a might steed?

i hope other orbs will have better ideas cuz that's all i've got now


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



just now realizing that yancy butler is NOT the chick from in the mouth of madness. i had been operating under that assumption for years


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



magic cactus posted:

Good luck with understanding the big bad's right hand man. I nicknamed him count duckula

it's the dude who played the mummy in the mummy!

they just introduced him. i wonder if there's a term for when the hero of an action movie sees the villain really early on and they give each other that look that says 'yes i just met you but i know that soon we will be kicking each other to death.'


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



magic cactus posted:

Good luck with understanding the big bad's right hand man. I nicknamed him count duckula

oh you're right though his accent is pretty thick. that's one more drink. i am averaging a drink of bourbon every six minutes this is unsustainable


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



trademark john woo fluttering dove at 30:00:00


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



heck yes, count duckula just shot the crooked doctor through a peephole.

that doesn't sound incredible now, but when this movie came out american action films were pretty artless punch-fests


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



Jaguars! posted:

Just finished a cup of tea and a mandarin, now trying to decide between reading airport trash and playing a video game

which video game and which airport trash? this decision is not as easy as it might seem at first blush...


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



Luvcow posted:

from the other thread my two lazy forklin shops:

forklin chilling with his buds


and then forklin returning home early from work to find his best friend banging his wife




thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



this movie really shows john woo's ability to orchestrate all the aspects of a film under constraints. Van damme's accent too prominent? Film it in new orleans and say he's creole. Hyper-violent premise too unbelievable? Set it during a police strike in the notoriously lawless state of Louisiana. Low budget? Make the most of picturesque public locations and use a combination of talented young actors and solid character actors.

e: story a little light, just make every other scene is slow motion to get to 90-minute runtime

Prof. Crocodile fucked around with this message at 23:54 on Aug 14, 2020


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



you see a guy in black leather and a motorcycle helmet standing in front of a bunch of cardboard boxes and you just know that dude is getting kicked into them boxes


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



homegirl thought van damme was going to kiss her, but instead she got to see him punch a rattlesnake, which is like 1000 times better


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



rip wilfred brimley now god only has the second best facial hair in heaven


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



magic cactus posted:

I think the overuse of slow-motion is my favorite part of this movie.

i kind of agree

there is kind of an artistry to it. john woo uses slow motion like monet used light, like it's an integral part of the storytelling not just a cinematic flourish


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile





"you are a loving buffalo" - Lance Henriksen, apropos to nothing


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



lance henriksen use a thompson contender in the movie, which I think is meant to be a tribute to a character from john woo's masterwork hard boiled who used a smilar target pistol.

A target pistol seemed kinda out of place in hard boiled with all the hihg-octane gunplay but it really fits the hunting motif of this film and the character of the villain


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



magic cactus posted:

In his Hong Kong era stuff, for sure. Here I was more thinking that the overuse causes an unintentional comedic effect. Like that one scene where the female lead (forgot her name rn) stumbles and it plays the scene over from like three angles in slow-motion.

Although all this made me reach a conclusion I'm not entirely thrilled about : John woo is arthouse Michael Bay.

i mean yeah this may be jcvd's best film but is like john woo's 10th best film


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



also now realizing that i always picture van damme with a mullet even though i think this is the only movie in he had a mullet


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



magic cactus posted:

Yeah I noticed that too! He really likes that gun. Hard Boiled is great. I might livepost it next weekend, since your thread gave me the idea.

well use this thrad that is what it is here for

that and forbidden aheago 'shops


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



nut posted:

jean claude van damme, eh... hmmm


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



Luvcow posted:

ok ok ... i'm just spitballing here but... i'm thinking a buddy cop movie with aged but classic french action star jcvd and current gbs darling forklin...


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



lance henriksen is the best grimacer in show business, and i will not hear otherwise


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



fukcen lol I forgot the grenade scene

one of the most underrated villain death in action cinema

e: and ending on a credence song is a nice touch


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



Jaguars! posted:

Thank u for this insight into jcvd, who has not previously touched my life much

Muffin splits for lunch w/ butter, wholegrain mustard, trying to make it through to monday on my current supplies

Considering liveblogging interstella 5555 now, it's not like i've got better to do on a lockdown saturday afternoon

what is interstalla 5555? might as well use this thrad for its intended purpose and


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



idk if i want to watch these videos now or just keep reading your posting because this sounds weird as f in my imagination and i almost don't want to encounter the reality right now


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



okay this is now at the top of my list of things to watch/listen to


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



Jaguars! posted:

It's 2.30 pm and I have no idea what to do with the rest of my afternoon

i would roping in another goon to livepost itt

it worked for me


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



Finger Prince posted:

Hey what's up guys, it's ya boy, Finger Prince. I'm here, in this thread, reading all the posts, laughing my rear end off at every one. Yo this poo poo is lit! Woo I can't keep up!

drat I wish I knew this thread was here before I blind watched Seinfeld episode 1.

welcome friend feel free to use this thrad for all your liveposting needs but be warned: there are powerful aheago spirits that dwell herein

actually perhaps it is best you didn't post here i don't know if we can handle george costanza aheago


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



magic cactus posted:

That's a fun little shooter. Can I ask what your role was?

Prof. Crocodile fucked around with this message at 21:35 on Aug 15, 2020


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



Goons Are Great posted:

Ryan Gosling gets hit in the face a lot here. Everyone hits his face, and that lady also kicks his balls. He does not have an easy job

i had written this movie off but you make it sound like a 3 stooges short and now i want to see it


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

Prof. Crocodile



Jaguars! posted:

This makes me very glad that the live posting concept lives on


Not quite live posting: This morning I put breakfast in the microwave, went round and opened my curtains and put weet-bix in another bowl and was poised to put the milk in before I realized that breakfast was in the microwave

did you at any point kick jared leto in the balls? this is important.


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

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Prof. Crocodile



sorry im late op i meant to warn you about girl-on-ant violence


thank you to vanisher for the awesome back-to-school sig!


thank you city of glompton for this glomptastic autumn sig!

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