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Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


The title should have "Lack of a" in it but I couldn't get parentheses to work.

TL,DR The romantic and sex life of a 3í5 guy can feel Sisyphean and often depressing, but itís not doomed

Iíve lurked for years. I read the rules before posting this and I donít think Iíve broken any. If anybody is interested in me or in talking one on one, I donít have PMs I donít think but I could get my email to you or use my alternate email. As a disclaimer, I will say that all bad faith posts or posts that I perceive to be bad faith will be ignored. Lecturing or shows of disapproval will be ignored. Good faith questions and compassionate discussion will most likely be replied to. I am writing this as a sort of decompression, a therapeutic endeavor. I canít really talk about these things fully with my family or friends.

I am 29, 3 foot 5, and around 55 lbs. I am mostly proportional, very muscular. Iíve lifted weights since I was 15, and started being healthy about what I eat since I was in high school. I was luckily plugged into pop culture from a young age (the golden age of the 90ís, no less) and gained good taste in movies, music, art, etc. I always loved drawing, and I study illustration now. I love drawing and painting, movies, rock music, the horror genre, reading, video games, exercising and nature to name a few things. I am half deaf and a very visual person. Born in Flint, MI, went to college there, spend a lot of time there, especially when I was a child, but live outside it. I have an extremely rare syndrome, and most children that are diagnosed with this syndrome die when they are young, opportunistic infections and the like. Children before and after me have died. There was a girl I talked to a few times and my mother updated me on her periodically, who died recently. She was around 20. It makes me think back to when she showed me a drawing she had done. Makes me sad just thinking about it. Starting when I was around 6 or 7 I was the first with my syndrome to successfully receive the transplants necessary to get healthy and thrive. This is a story in itself. Research on what happened to me is being used to get other children with the syndrome through the process, years later, and I believe one or two have had them and are so far doing well. I am lucky enough to have loving and beautiful parents, sibling, friends, doctors, and others that allowed me a chance to live my life, and they are my heroes. My parentsí careers were in emergency services so they had an edge in keeping me alive. I spent a year near death in the hospital getting through this. It was a very brutal time. A few near death events, a doctor informed my parents there was a 1 percent or less chance of me living at one point. I was overdosed more than once, including a euthanasia attempt on my life. My liver was so revved up it didnít work. The other overdose, when I received 40 units of librium instead of 4, my mother believed me to be dead but when she arrived, she found my father talking to the pain management doctor, and me playing Super Nintendo. He informed her if he knew it was me he wouldnít have even left his office. I distinctly remember watching ďBigĒ while making GBS threads the bed. I just kept making GBS threads. I had extreme graft versus host disease, and it was digested blood, black. They thought I would die that night. Later, around 8th grade I want to say, I had my hips reconstructed, knees stapled. After college, where I got an English degree and studied in Japan (and later interned there) I had my legs straightened, where a wedge is cut out of the tibia and then the tibia rejoined and fastened, the middle portion of the fibula is removed, and parts of my ankles were adjusted as well. 7 months in a cast per leg. These days, I just had my right hip replaced, the next is due in November. Iíve essentially had PTSD on and off throughout my life.

Once I entered late middle school I was doing a lot better, and in high school I retained some of my friends from middle school and made a lot of new friends, a lot from both groups still my friends today. In elementary school, I would get head over heels crushes on girls. In early middle school this could even be reciprocated a little; my oddness was not all that apparent, I was just really short and small, and then as I entered late middle school/high school, and puberty, things started to change. I did make attempts. The girls were interested in everybody but me. I would try to get closer but I had no confidence, no idea how to navigate, to communicate my desire, to flirt or to believe I could be with someone I was actually attracted to, which ever since I could remember is slimmer, feminine girls. Any time I did try to get close, the reaction was one of pity, or patronization. I began to equate trying to flirt or ask a girl out with making her uncomfortable. When I was a sophomore in high school, I was a straight A student, muscularly ripped, I could run a mile. And had no hope of getting a date, while all my friends were getting girlfriends, exploring their sexuality, falling in love. I was just jerking off a lot, watching a lot of porn and then getting mad at myself for it, and fantasizing about different girls I knew. I have a high sex drive and just by virtue of who and what I am was getting kinkier.

Then came college. I started asking a few more girls out during college, with similar results. But I was trying. Iím still in shape. I donít really drink, and didn't start using cannabis until I was about 22 (about a year ago switched from smoking to ingestion). I think the main problem was my confidence. I had no reason to believe a woman would want to be with me. Iíve never even gotten to a second date and it seems that the first ones were about assuaging their guilt, or perhaps my confidence was just so low that I bombed. I had no idea my personality was good, or that my cock was proportionally huge. I was studying hard and missing opportunity after opportunity to meet a smart, cute woman or engage on a deeper or sexual level, which I wanted and needed, badly. My lack of confidence and relationship, sexual experience was kicking me in the head. When I went to Japan it was the same story. I was surrounded by comically cute and feminine Japanese women, and proceeded to be enamored by girl after girl, one with a woman who I came back to visit during my internship only to embarrass myself and get hit with a sobering dose of reality and experience. I miss Japan every day, thinking about when I will go back, and for a while thought I would end up with a Japanese woman but I am cognizant of the difficulties in a relationship between two people of different nationalities. On the other hand I was noticing that some women were paying attention, even if they couldnít really follow through or make the first move, and I still didnít have any confidence. My ďbaby fatĒ (more so just lack of lines and definition in my face) that had made me look younger than I was was fading, I have a handsome face, Iím fit, and in college I started meeting girls that seemed like they were pretty interested, but without experience or real confidence in myself I dropped the ball.

After college I kept trying. I never gave up. I posted ads in craigslist, asked girls out. I met one woman who I made out with (drat, kissing is loving awesome) and made cum but I had jerked off and taken a valium out of nervousness before hand, so couldnít get it up. And some of it was probably nervousness. I met another girl through CL. She blew me but I flubbed it, because I was so nervous I didnít do more, didnít touch her enough, and left. I assured her later, when she mentioned it, that it was just me, I thought she was cute, and wanted to see her again, but nothing happened. I got a prostitute a few years after that, she sucked my cock but I wouldn't gently caress her because I have to be careful about STDs, they could hit me a lot harder than normal or harm one of my transplants, and I probably have a compromised immune system. This also made it hard to gain sexual experience because the mistake of loving someone not totally clean had bigger consequences.. There was a beautiful receptionist that talked to me in an interested way when I was getting the hotel room. And she knew for sure I had gotten a prostitute when she got there and didnít know my name. drat.

After all this I kept going. I got a few girls numbers, which all fell through. had more confidence in myself and respect for my life experiences and more knowledge about gender dynamics by just not giving up, failing, and learning about things. At this point I was learning I actually could be with the type of girl Iím attracted to. I was taking women off the pedestal I had them on in my head. I think my thoughts trended naturally towards having a very dominant bent in my sexuality. Being on chat sites and having long sexual and non-sexual conversations with women, I learned about what I want out of a relationship, which was a very submissive woman, or ideally a woman who wanted to be trained, in our private and sexual life. I also learned I was very into and very good at humiliation and degradation, and dirty talk in general. noticed whenever I sent dick pics the response was pretty overwhelmingly positive, with the most common response being ďwow.Ē This was a big surprise to me. if I didnít tell women my height (I always do) they think itís 9 inches, though itís 5 on my 3í5 frame, and apparently a very attractive shape. I've thought about trying to do niche porn, with my favorable proportions, but I would rather do this on an amateur level with a girlfriend or wife.

Of course, it doesnít help that Iíve never had a real job and still live at home. I applied to a lot of places after college, had interviews, but they all passed me up. I got passed up for jobs I was very, very qualified for. I started studying my passion, illustration, a few years ago, saving up to go to the studio school Iím taking the online classes of, but saving disability payments is slooow. At this point women are noticing me more, but Iím crazy lonely relationship-wise, my friends are getting married, theyíre having babies, and Iíve not hosed, with only 3 blowjobs and two make out sessions under my belt. I decided it was time to get my hips replaced, and by the time the second one is done I probably will have never hosed with my natural born hips. If I could just get to an environment where there are more women from 18 up to around my age, maybe I could meet someone, this town sucks for it, but when I get to that studio school for 1 or 2 terms maybe I could meet some women. I know itís just a matter of time if Iím around enough eligible women regularly. Iím feeling my oats and being more aggressive in my efforts.

Then Covid hit. Iím spending too much time watching porn and sex chatting on the chat site. Dating apps are garbage for me, so are dating sites which I used from 18 until a few years ago because they loving sucked, but Iíll probably have to use whatever I can. Most of me writing this is just getting my thoughts out, expressing how frustrated I am about not having someone, weighed against enduring so much pain and hard times, and that feeling of wasted or lost time, not being in a sexual and romantic relationship, seeing my friends have mature and loving relationships when I havenít hosed or had a girlfriend. So yeah, thereís hope, but conditions arenít ideal right now. Iím not giving up, and hopefully when Covid is under control I can go out with a new appreciation of the opportunity to go out and get to know someone.


Attack! fucked around with this message at 21:57 on Sep 19, 2020

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Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


Attack! posted:

Iíve lurked for years. I read the rules before posting this and I donít think Iíve broken any. I wanted to post a picture but I donít know if Iím able to with my account.

Just upload it to imgur and then post the link here

Pot Smoke Phoenix
Aug 15, 2007


Dinosaur Gum

I've updated the thread title for you.

Here's a link to Imgur's uploader:

https://imgur.com/upload

William Henry Hairytaint
Oct 29, 2011



I've written like fifteen different replies to this thread but I keep starting over so I am just going to say that I read it all and wish the OP well. For the love of god do not post a picture of yourself.

Pawn 17
Dec 17, 2000

> access main security grid
access: PERMISSION DENIED.







We have a sub forum called E/N where you (might) get better and more serious responses OP.

Anyhow sorry to hear about your health problems growing up and hope things go well for you.

Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


William Henry Hairytaint posted:

I've written like fifteen different replies to this thread but I keep starting over so I am just going to say that I read it all and wish the OP well. For the love of god do not post a picture of yourself.

Why?

Motherfucker
Jul 16, 2011



I believe the terminology is 'pocket prince'

Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


Pawn 17 posted:

We have a sub forum called E/N where you (might) get better and more serious responses OP.

Alright. What's the best way to get it moved there? Thanks for letting me know.

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009

This mandrake is a
gift to our friendship!


Welcome to E/N! This thread might help out.

Pawn 17
Dec 17, 2000

> access main security grid
access: PERMISSION DENIED.







Attack! posted:

Alright. What's the best way to get it moved there? Thanks for letting me know.

Looks like a mod already moved it for you.

Motherfucker
Jul 16, 2011



Just gotta think positively OP its called Progeria not Congeria.

Soulkys
Sep 7, 2008

The beast of Tanagra


I wish you luck OP. Boning and keeping an intimate relationship is nice, but it does have challenges and surprises and sacrifice and experiences that can be hard just to tolerate. It seems like you have been spending your time well, I hope your romantic pursuits don't cut too much into the hobbies that bring you fulfillment, meaning and peace.

If you want advice (never take advice from goons), I suggest keeping a sense of humor about stuff and make sure you're working hard to enable your girl to be what she wants, not what you want her to be.

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013
Probation
Can't post for 12 days!


I'm glad of it, op.


















this thread. I wish you well in the having sex dept.

Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


Soulkys posted:

I wish you luck OP. Boning and keeping an intimate relationship is nice, but it does have challenges and surprises and sacrifice and experiences that can be hard just to tolerate. It seems like you have been spending your time well, I hope your romantic pursuits don't cut too much into the hobbies that bring you fulfillment, meaning and peace.

If you want advice (never take advice from goons), I suggest keeping a sense of humor about stuff and make sure you're working hard to enable your girl to be what she wants, not what you want her to be.

Thanks. I'm not completely ignorant about the trials and tribulations of being in a relationship, and I've vicariously experienced those problems through friends. The problem for me is starting one. I always thought I would do well once I had one established.

Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


Big Beef City posted:

I'm glad of it, op.

















this thread. I wish you well in the having sex dept.

Thanks. Like I said in the O.P., I've had enough failures and experience that things are starting to get better.

Fruits of the sea
Dec 1, 2010


If it helps any OP, your early awkward stumbles in romance aren't all that different what most people go through.

Ocean Book
Sep 27, 2010

- hi

Yeah that poo poo sucks. Sorry op. Sounds like youíve found yourself and know how to be confident friendly and charming with women, which puts you ahead of so many people. I know one day youíll make some lucky subby girl very happy.

Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


Fruits of the sea posted:

If it helps any OP, your early awkward stumbles in romance aren't all that different what most people go through.

Thanks. Yeah I understand. The thing that gets to me is being in that stage most people are at in their late teens, feels like so much wasted time, but better late than never.

Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


Ocean Book posted:

Yeah that poo poo sucks. Sorry op. Sounds like youíve found yourself and know how to be confident friendly and charming with women, which puts you ahead of so many people. I know one day youíll make some lucky subby girl very happy.

Thanks. Yeah I'm glad that I actually kept trying to ask women out, to get numbers and to get closer. The failures then have definitely given me a much better handle on things than I did even in college.

PT6A
Jan 5, 2006
THE VOLKSWAGEN DEFENDER HAS LOGGED ON

Attack! posted:

Thanks. Yeah I understand. The thing that gets to me is being in that stage most people are at in their late teens, feels like so much wasted time, but better late than never.

The stage most people said they were at in their late teens.

I've had my own problems in the relationship department, but now seeing some of my younger friends and/or co-workers stumble through things, it's like "I could've had what they had all along, except I recognized at the time, and now, I don't want unhealthy relationships just for the sake of having a relationship."

Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


PT6A posted:

The stage most people said they were at in their late teens.

I've had my own problems in the relationship department, but now seeing some of my younger friends and/or co-workers stumble through things, it's like "I could've had what they had all along, except I recognized at the time, and now, I don't want unhealthy relationships just for the sake of having a relationship."

That's a good point, and I know there are things that I wouldn't put up with or do now that I might've when i was younger, and I didn't have to have a bad relationship to get to that point.

Cowslips Warren
Oct 29, 2005

What use had they for tricks and cunning, living in the enemy's warren and paying his price?


Grimey Drawer

Attack! posted:

That's a good point, and I know there are things that I wouldn't put up with or do now that I might've when i was younger, and I didn't have to have a bad relationship to get to that point.

This in a nutshell.

We're told constantly, from peers and media, how you need to pass certain milestones or your experiences Don't Count. I remember high school vaguely, but enough that I was never really interested in boys (I was sure it would happen some day, it did for everyone else. Keep in mind this was the late 90's.), so when a boy did pay attention to me and asked me to be his girlfriend, I figured that was What You Are Supposed To Do. I was never attracted to him, but being a dumb teenager I did whatever he wanted short of PIV sex, which as everyone knows, happens on Prom Night. We broke up and I was devastated, because he had become everything important in my world, even convinced me to change religions. And since then I've had...two other relationships before realizing I don't need one to be happy.

I wish I had done things so differently but who the gently caress doesn't?

The biggest thing is confidence, the second thing is humor. At this point I almost see life as that ending of Inside Out (not Pixar's best at all) where everyone's little head people are arguing about various poo poo and it's clear none of us know precisely what the hell we're doing most of the time.

Classon Ave. Robot
Oct 7, 2019


I've never been able to buy into the idea that it's better to have literally no experience whatsoever than it is to have some good ones and some pretty bad ones. I've experienced almost nothing at all in my life, and as a result I've turned out to be a pretty worthless person without any value, positive or negative, to anyone else in the world.

All the people I know who had lovely relationships and experiences when they were younger also had good times too, and they all turned out to be people with actual value as a result, unlike myself.

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009

This mandrake is a
gift to our friendship!


Classon Ave. Robot posted:

I've never been able to buy into the idea that it's better to have literally no experience whatsoever than it is to have some good ones and some pretty bad ones.
This part of the post is good, and I kind of agree with it? Mistakes are how we learn.

quote:

I've experienced almost nothing at all in my life, and as a result I've turned out to be a pretty worthless person without any value, positive or negative, to anyone else in the world.

All the people I know who had lovely relationships and experiences when they were younger also had good times too, and they all turned out to be people with actual value as a result, unlike myself.
This is not. Come on, CAR, I know you can contribute to a conversation without turning it into a personal pity party. I've seen you do it plenty of times.

Attack! posted:

Thanks. Yeah I'm glad that I actually kept trying to ask women out, to get numbers and to get closer. The failures then have definitely given me a much better handle on things than I did even in college.
This is good to hear, OP! If you want help going over your profile, making sure you're doing a good job of presenting yourself well, hit up the Online Dating thread, maybe post your profile (ideally screenshots, with personal details removed). I linked it earlier. You could also post pictures in an Imgur album there, get some feedback on whether they're good or hot garbage, and then delete them when you're done so you can't be Internet Detective'd later.

Classon Ave. Robot
Oct 7, 2019


A warning not to take bad advice works better if you've got an example of how badly it can gently caress you up is all.

excellent bird guy
Jan 1, 2020

by Cyrano4747


I didn't read anything except the title, but maybe you can take an SSRI, I heard zoloft kills your sex drive.

FURZKOMMANDO
Jul 28, 2020


the post is literally taller than you OP

FURZKOMMANDO
Jul 28, 2020


damnit i need to check what forum i'm on before I shitpost, sorry OP

Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


Cowslips Warren posted:

This in a nutshell.

We're told constantly, from peers and media, how you need to pass certain milestones or your experiences Don't Count. I remember high school vaguely, but enough that I was never really interested in boys (I was sure it would happen some day, it did for everyone else. Keep in mind this was the late 90's.), so when a boy did pay attention to me and asked me to be his girlfriend, I figured that was What You Are Supposed To Do. I was never attracted to him, but being a dumb teenager I did whatever he wanted short of PIV sex, which as everyone knows, happens on Prom Night. We broke up and I was devastated, because he had become everything important in my world, even convinced me to change religions. And since then I've had...two other relationships before realizing I don't need one to be happy.

I wish I had done things so differently but who the gently caress doesn't?

The biggest thing is confidence, the second thing is humor. At this point I almost see life as that ending of Inside Out (not Pixar's best at all) where everyone's little head people are arguing about various poo poo and it's clear none of us know precisely what the hell we're doing most of the time.

Being a teenager is weird. Thanks for the post. I'm glad you found that out about yourself. I have a pretty good sense of humor and I'm pretty confident, but asking someone to hang out or get their number is still something I have to steel myself about.

Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


Classon Ave. Robot posted:

I've never been able to buy into the idea that it's better to have literally no experience whatsoever than it is to have some good ones and some pretty bad ones. I've experienced almost nothing at all in my life, and as a result I've turned out to be a pretty worthless person without any value, positive or negative, to anyone else in the world.

All the people I know who had lovely relationships and experiences when they were younger also had good times too, and they all turned out to be people with actual value as a result, unlike myself.

I mean, I doubt you're worthless but I don't know you personally so. I've had some pretty lovely experiences, and some good ones too. I think I've been through enough and seen my friends and family go through enough relationship-wise that I'll be able to wrangle up a good healthy relationship.

Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


PMush Perfect posted:

This part of the post is good, and I kind of agree with it? Mistakes are how we learn.

This is not. Come on, CAR, I know you can contribute to a conversation without turning it into a personal pity party. I've seen you do it plenty of times.

This is good to hear, OP! If you want help going over your profile, making sure you're doing a good job of presenting yourself well, hit up the Online Dating thread, maybe post your profile (ideally screenshots, with personal details removed). I linked it earlier. You could also post pictures in an Imgur album there, get some feedback on whether they're good or hot garbage, and then delete them when you're done so you can't be Internet Detective'd later.

Thanks for the thread link. I'll definitely check it out if I get back on the dating sites, or decide to use tinder and bumble as viable things to meet people.

Spinz
Jan 7, 2020



Motherfucker posted:

Just gotta think positively OP its called Progeria not Congeria.

So OP posted incorrect name of their supposed condition?

Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


excellent bird guy posted:

I didn't read anything except the title, but maybe you can take an SSRI, I heard zoloft kills your sex drive.

I don't want to kill my sex drive. I seek to increase boners and sex drive if anything.

Spinz
Jan 7, 2020



Oh crap no editing in e/n and I missed the joke lol

Well drat

Attack!
Jul 15, 2013


Spinz posted:

So OP posted incorrect name of their supposed condition?

I didn't post the name of my "supposed" condition. Progeria is a different serious disorder,

Spinz
Jan 7, 2020



Attack! posted:

I didn't post the name of my "supposed" condition. Progeria is a different serious disorder,

I apologise

Anne Whateley
Feb 11, 2007
i like nice words


Hey OP. Best of luck finding a feminine, slim, feminine woman 10 years younger than you to degrade, humiliate, beat, and control. Sounds like you're going about it in a healthy positive way!

Sorry that hotel receptionist didn't gently caress you at work. She must not have known how enormous and gorgeous your dick was. Well, you can't win them all! And now we all know, which can't hurt!

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009

This mandrake is a
gift to our friendship!


um

Spinz
Jan 7, 2020



Anne Whateley posted:

Hey OP. Best of luck finding a feminine, slim, feminine woman 10 years younger than you to degrade, humiliate, beat, and control. Sounds like you're going about it in a healthy positive way!

Sorry that hotel receptionist didn't gently caress you at work. She must not have known how enormous and gorgeous your dick was. Well, you can't win them all! And now we all know, which can't hurt!

Op was tl;dr and I'm glad now, ugh

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PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009

This mandrake is a
gift to our friendship!


This was a GBS thread that got moved to E/N, to be fair. They've got an... interesting sense of humor over there.

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