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Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







You are Kurt Qwan, a 60-year-old private detective living in a shack on the beach just south of Morro Bay, California. One fine evening as you toke up while tinkering on your Land Rover while waiting for your fish to cook, you hear someone stumbling up behind you. You turn to see a reedy younger man in a business suit with a briefcase slipping and sliding over the sand. You roll your joint back and forth between your cracked lips as you watch this dork.

"Mr. Kurt Qwan?" he says as he mops sweat from his brow. "Demelza-- the lady from New Orleans-- said you were the best private eye on the west coast. She said you would recognize the name."
"How much?" you ask.
"How much?" he stares. "How much does what?"
"How much loving money for the job, dipshit."
He clutches his briefcase. "You don't even know what it is."

You wipe the grease off your hands. "Will I have to kill anyone? Hundo-K down payment if I do, half that if I don't."
"I-I-I-I- certainly hope not. But I brought twenty thousand in cash." The man fumbles with his case, opens it, and shows you the money, as well as a business card: Will Keebler, GloboCorp Inc. "My daughter went missing three weeks ago. She's an adult and the police said there are no signs of foul-play, so they are dragging their feet. Wouldn't you look into it for twenty-thousand dollars, at least? She's been hanging out with some odd people. Then one day her car was gone and half the clothes from her apartment as well, everything else in tidy shape. Her phone records show a text to a friend from Sacramento, and then nothing."

You take a swig of rum and absentmindedly scratch your chest hair as you consider this.

>Take the case
>Refuse the case, close thread
>Negotiate for more money
>Blaze with Keebler
>Do something else

>_



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935
Jul 28, 2006

abcdefghijk
ELLAMENNO-P


>Blaze with the keebler elf

RepeatingMeme
Dec 27, 2012




> do something else
> eat rear end

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

I thought it was time you had a new av so typed in random picture and this is what came up


That's the usual fee, now what about expenses?!

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







"I will take all that money on one condition," you cough. "Put your briefcase in the sand over there, then suck down this whole loving thing," you say, as you roll a joint. "One breath."

Keebler reluctantly sets down his case and takes the joint.
-----------------

Ten minutes later Keebler is on his back with his shoes and coat cast off, blowing clouds of smoke. "Tell me your tale, Detective Kurt," he says.

You down the last of your rum and toss the bottle away. "One time when I was young, I heard the sound of a man dying. It was because I was strangling him to death. He wouldn't help me finish my five-thousand piece puzzle. When I realized what I was doing, I stopped, and we went into a partnership, to solve everything we could. For money. We did some good and bad things. He did a ton of blow in the eighties and vanished, haven't seen him since."

"Oh, that's too bad," Keebler mumbles.

You put on a shirt. "Let's find some hookers and get our faces twerked, banker man." You throw the money into the Land Rover, stuffing a wad of bills in your pants, and drag Keebler into the car, then find a casa on a cliff overlooking the beach with which you are familiar. Afterwards, when everyone is drunk and passed out on the patio, you wander into the library of the house with a bottle of rum. There are shelves and a desk. Forward is the kitchen, and nearby a dining room with cupboards. You can hear what sounds like sex noises from upstairs. Your car is parked outside.

You can go any direction.

>_



gary oldmans diary
Sep 26, 2005



Zippy the Bummer posted:

You can go any direction.

>_
> Quick, get down!_

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







You hear giggling and footsteps coming down a stairwell. You look around and stub your toe on a huge iron ring in the floor, which proves to be the hinge to a hatch in the floor. You open it, and flicking your lighter on, descend, closing the hatch above you. You slowly reach the foot of the stair as footsteps thump overhead. It seems you are in a wine cellar. A torch dimly lights an adjoining hallway, down which you hear soft moans. A ragged-clad drunk man is slouched against a wine rack, surrounded by empty bottles.

>_



Rank and Vile
Nov 11, 2008

I guess I didn't really think this through...



>_ Check the drunk guys pockets.

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







You slap the drunk dude's cheek, but he doesn't wake up. You paw through his pockets and find a key, a little pocket-knife, and his wallet, which contains a few bucks, some photos, and his license, showing his name as being Greg Roof, from Arizona. You leave the wallet with him, but take the key and the knife.

You can go any direction.

>_



William Henry Hairytaint
Oct 29, 2011



Only one thing to do as a PI:

>find dames

Dangerous Minority
Oct 24, 2016

May cause birth defects



Things could get dangerous, we'll want to be armed

> Find a full WINE BOTTLE
> Use KNIFE on DRUNK'S CLOTHES
> Stuff CLOTH SCRAPS into WINE BOTTLE to make a FANCY MOLOTOV

Jasus Christ
Dec 3, 2019

I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA



Take a bunch of the empty bottles for later.

Rank and Vile
Nov 11, 2008

I guess I didn't really think this through...



>_ Put Greg Roof in the recovery position then find the source of the soft moans down the corridor.

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







You use the knife to cut the cuffs off of Greg's shirt, and stuff those into your waistband for later if need be. You use another strap of cloth to make a sling for a couple of fine vintages, and a few empty bottles as well. You prop Greg up on the wall and make sure his airway is clear and that he has a good pulse. You can still hear footsteps upstairs. You creep down the dank hallway toward the moaning sound, and come upon what looks like a jail cell. As you peek into it, you see a man and woman chained to the wall, unconscious, and a boy, handcuffed, being beaten with a baton by a man.

You can go any direction.

>_



Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







William Henry Hairytaint posted:

Only one thing to do as a PI:

>find dames

poo poo i forgot to include this. i will later

dammit

Jasus Christ
Dec 3, 2019

I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA



Is the cell open? If so sneak behind the man and put a wine-soaked rag to his mouth till he passes out.

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







The cell door is slightly ajar. You whirl a piece of cloth into a knot and soak it with wine, then slip inside, behind the baton-wielding man. You wrap it around his mouth, muffling his cries. He lurches backward, slamming you against the wall over and over. You feel and hear a crack in your right shoulder. The man turns around and you lash out with a solid left cross to his face, knocking him out. Your right arm feels like poo poo and isn't working right. The boy is in a bad way, face and arms bleeding and bruised. You ask him who he is and what is going on here, but he just stares, weeping. You use the baton to smash the chains, releasing the man and woman, but they remain unconscious. You hear voices and footsteps coming down the hall.

You can go any direction.

>_



EorayMel
May 29, 2015

You got the fluffy kitty kitty!


> go east

Jasus Christ
Dec 3, 2019

I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA



Take the boy with, and write sigils on the wall to keep the footstep people away from the other two

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







You glance out of the cell and see four figures laughing and stumbling in the wine cellar. One of them, a man, drunkenly slaps the sleeping man around. When no response is forthcoming from Greg Roof, the man pulls a pistol and shoots him in the head. The drunk slouches over, his blood pooling on the stone floor. The others laugh and start uncorking several bottles.

You look around. You can't possibly carry the man and woman, so you lurch the boy over your bad shoulder, which fires with pain. Mercifully he stays silent. As the murderers revel in the cellar you creep down to a stair that leads up to a trap which opens into the parking lot. You find your car and unceremoniously toss the boy into the back seat. To your surprise you find Keebler sleeping in the driver's seat. You shove him aside as gunshots ring out behind you, shattering the rear window. You slam on the gas, bash through the front gate of the casa and peel out onto the highway. You drive through the night as far east as you can get until you run out of gas at the town of Kanawyers, in King's Canyon National Park. You fuel up with a wad of bills, but the road ends here. Keebler begins to wake up and notices the boy asleep in the back seat.

"What the gently caress!? Why is there a kid in here? Where the gently caress are we?? Is that blood on your arm?"

You slap him. "You got me into some weird rear end cartel sex thing. You're lucky I brought you and not just the money."

"I didn't get you into that, you said you knew the place."

"Does the name Greg Roof mean anything to you?" You take out the key. "Or this?"

His eyes widen. "Greg Roof was one of my professors at UCLA. I don't recognize the key, though. Why? And why do you have a bundle of wine bottles?"

"Nevermind that. Let's blaze, and then you tell me a shitload more than you have."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Jessica was posting these things on instagram about Frank Holon," Keebler says with his head against the window. "How he was super cool and enlightened. She dropped out of college to...take a year off, to travel, you know...kids do that. She was going to Europe, she said. She spent a night with a friend in Sacramento, then went to the airport. Or so her friend said. Lisa. That is all I know, I swear."

At that moment the boy begins to wake up in the back seat, groaning in pain, and a white pickup truck screeches to a halt fifty yards behind you. Six masked men with automatic rifles jump out and start jogging toward you.

You can go any direction.

>_



Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







Zombiepop
Mar 30, 2010


Make some donuts so the smoke from the tires hides you, then run over the gun dudes. Even better knock em out while doing donuts.

If you have any sunglasses put em on before doin the donuts.

Zombiepop fucked around with this message at 15:13 on Sep 26, 2020

EorayMel
May 29, 2015

You got the fluffy kitty kitty!


> continue to go east

Jasus Christ
Dec 3, 2019

I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA



Like all of the pictures of Jessica on Instagram, even the very old ones.

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







"Do you have a pair of sunglasses?" You ask Keebler.
"What? I-- yes, why?"
"Give them to me. It is about to get bright."

You put them on and step out of the Land Rover. You walk back to the cashier and pay for another ten bucks on pump two. Then you slice the gas hose with your knife and let it spill all over the pavement. You get back into the car, slam the gas and do donuts around the parking lot, burning up clouds of smoke. The gunmen start shooting, slamming bullets into your car. The boy starts screaming and Keebler thrashes around trying to put on his seatbelt. You whirl the wheel straight and drive through the smoke, running over three of the six men, then brake.

"Keebler, get out and grab a gun," you shout. "And whatever ammo you can find."
The reedy man half falls out of the car, and picks up a rifle and a few magazines from a half-dead man upon whom your front tire is parked, and lunges back into the Land Rover as you peel around and gun it. You fling your lit zippo out the window, igniting the gasoline. The explosion turns night into day for a brief moment as you speed away.

Keebler screams even louder than the boy as you drive up a hiking trail, bottoming out a few times over the rocky ground. After about an hour or so, you realize a tire is busted. As you get out to swap it for the spare, Keebler fumbles with your weed, and tries to help you.

"No way we are getting over these mountains, man. No way. Who the gently caress is that kid?" He starts laughing hysterically. You slap him with your good arm. "We camp here for a while. You take first watch. Help me with this tire first. Look for anyone coming up behind us."

Keebler hefts his AK-47. "It's all good dude, I got this thing."

As he mutters to himself, stoned as gently caress, you slip his phone from his pocket and search for Jessica's Instagram. You use your burner account to like all of her posts, and find one selfie of herself on a boardwalk with two men, one tagged as Greg Roof and the other as Mary Holon. The location isn't visible. You and Keebler finally finish swapping the tire, then drive on through the day and the next night until you reach the Onion Valley Campground, at which point you are out of gas. The boy has remained silent during this time.

You can sort of go any direction.

>_



McGavin
Sep 18, 2012

av paid for by the firensd of lowtax spine foundation

, you flithy pig


> go up

ChubbyChecker
Mar 25, 2018



>inventory

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON








Inventory: clothes, three bottles of wine, two empty bottles, pocket-knife, half-pound of weed, rolling paper, Keebler's AK-47 and 60 rounds of ammo, sunglasses, Land Rover, basic repair kit, strange key

Also Keebler's phone



ChubbyChecker
Mar 25, 2018



>

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







At dawn you drive up north, along a rugged trail, crossing Independence Creek twice and climbing rocky slopes. As you slowly drive along a barren ridge, you roll a huge blunt and blaze.

"Is there some loving reason why we are going north?" you ask Keebler as you puff and pass. "The goddamn hiking trail ended hours ago and if we get bingo for fuel we're hosed."

Keebler closes his eyes and gestures at the sky out the window. "Shhhhhhh....Earth-Mother will show us the way. She will find my daughter."

"gently caress you. Give me your loving phone." He does, but there is no reception. Near evening, you ford a small creek and come to a narrow valley bordered by high rocky mountains. You siphon a bit of fuel out of the tank. The boy helps you start a flame with a stick and a boot-lace. As the moon rises, the three of you have a decent fire going in the middle of nowhere.

You toke hard and hold it until you think your eyes might explode, then exhale and drink an entire bottle of wine. The boy sits silently, leaning against the car. Keebler keeps loading and unloading the rifle with one eye shut. "Imma find us a stag."
You gently take the gun from him and let him pass out in the grass.

As you continue to smoke, the boy watches you. "Kearsarge Peak," he says at last. "The mountain there to the north. We're ten miles or so from the highway. My mom and dad used to take us camping here. My cousin and me, and friends sometimes."

>Kill someone
>Question boy
>Whistle a happy tune
>Do something else

>_



Jasus Christ
Dec 3, 2019

I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA



Ride a stag to Kearsarge Peak. Shoot anything that moves on the way there

Star Me Kitten
Aug 10, 2020
Probation
Can't post for 24 days!


>Find the door the strange key in your inventory goes to.

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







During the night, you hear a dog barking. You take the rifle and look around, only to find a dude camping nearby. He has a greyhound, a tent, and a 1977 Triumph Stag convertible. It looks like it has been there for some time. You pat the dog on the head and hail the man, a scraggly fellow who eyes you warily.

"I wont waste your time," you say as you hoist your rifle, "but I'd like to buy your car. 50,000 is enough?"

"Are you some backwoods freak?" he asks.

"I think we both are at this point. I'm Kurt Poon, PI. It's phonetic." You flash your badge.

He looks at it for a bit. "Fine enough. What are you doing here?"

"I'm looking into UFO sightings at Kearsarge Peak. Know anything about that?"

He turns around and looks up at the peak. "Huh, well no, I don't know anyth--"
You smack the back of his skull with the butt of your rifle, knocking him out. You walk back to your Land Rover, drive it up to the Stag, chain it to your tail, and tow it over tough ground down a narrow river valley.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A day later at dawn you blast through a farmer's fences dragging the '77 Stag onto Highway 395 just south of Blackrock, California, and pull into a gas station. The boy is asleep in the back seat. Keebler goes in to the station to get coffee while you pump gas. You notice Keebler's phone buzzing and pick it up because you don't give a poo poo.

"This is Keebler," you say.

"Motherfucker, you were supposed to get back to me a week ago. Where the gently caress is my money?"

You stall a moment while you toke. "I needed to get the key first. And the boy."

"The boy?? I don't want the kid, I want the man and the girl. gently caress the rest, throw them in the ocean. Listen bitch, get your rear end to Reno and unlock your poo poo, I want it by tomorrow, or else I will fist gently caress you to death." The man hangs up just as Keebler walks out of the store.

>_



Zombiepop
Mar 30, 2010


>punch keebler

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







"Sup Keebs," you say as he slides into the car. "Were you, at some point, going to explain to me why you arranged your daughter's kidnapping?"

He stares at you. "What I never...what?"

You punch his teeth. "Who were that man and woman? Who is the girl? Who is this boy?"

Keebler spits out a tooth. "I don't know what you're talking about. I gave you the money."
You punch him again in the eye. "Shut the gently caress up. I'm no idiot. You got up to some shady poo poo and got your daughter involved, then you show up giving me a shitload of money to find her?" You punch again, breaking his nose. "What is in Reno? Why are gunmen chasing us? I've committed several felonies in the last forty-eight hours for this case so you better start giving me some loving answers."

Keebler only whimpers and groans through this busted teeth. You turn around and shout at the boy. "Who the gently caress are you? Why were you in that cellar?"

The boy is terrified, but says, "We were going to visit my sister, my aunt and uncle and me. In Sacramento. But those men came into our hotel room and put bags over our heads and said they would kill us if we shouted."

As you look through the shot-out rear window you see two cop SUVs approaching and pulling into the lot.

>_



Jasus Christ
Dec 3, 2019

I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA



Impersonate the police and rig the bad car to explode

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







The cops pull up to a diner about fifty yards behind you. Four exit the trucks and walk inside. "Kid," you tell the boy, "go into the mini-mart and see if they have any toys. Specifically a cop badge and uniform. Like a Halloween costume, you know?" He nods, and you give him some cash. "Get some matches too."

You casually walk back to the '77 Stag and pop the hood, making a show of inspecting it while slicing the fuel line, and sucking on it to start a siphon. This you tuck down into the engine well so that it starts draining onto the pavement under the car. You shut the hood. The boy comes back out with a plastic package containing a comically small fake cop get-up complete with a plastic badge that says FIGHT COP USA. With fierce effort you manage to get the pants on, though they squeeze your balls like bike shorts and the shirt will not button. The cap fits well enough.

"Keebler, get in the driver's seat and get ready to peel out."
"What are you wearing?" he says as he stares with his good eye. "The hell are you doing?"
"I'm not sure." You start toward the diner, lighting a blunt with a match. You toss the match onto the seat cushion of the Stag, and unhook that car from yours.

Two cops are having a smoke outside the diner; you approach them. "Afternoon boys," you call out while blazing. "What are yall up to?"

They look oddly at you, but one says, "Someone blew up a gas station at the state park after a gun battle."

"Oh drat, was he driving a Land Rover? I already caught the bastard. Farmer called HQ this morning saying some lunatic towing a '77 Stag busted through his fence, I found it parked here. Driver looks beat to poo poo. Acting all crazy, talking nonsense."

"Is that a blunt you're smoking?" says the other cop.

"Oh, hell yeah son, I'm only a few days from retirement, what's a little RnR, know what I mean? Heh heh, yeah, been lettin myself go a bit the last few years. But let me show you the guy. He's passed out in the driver seat, I couldn't read him his rights. Waiting for the amby to show up-- oh poo poo, that car's on fire!" You sprint toward it and pass it just as it explodes, diving through the shot-out window of the Rover. Keebler starts gunning it while screaming as flames lick the back fender. You force the boy to the floor of the back seat while grabbing the AK and shooting indiscriminately out the back window into the wall of fire and black smoke. You shout at Keebler to floor it north up the highway.

You can sort of go any direction.

>_



gary oldmans diary
Sep 26, 2005



+ reading

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







California is so loving big I can't keep track of where you are.
------------------------

Keebler blasts up the highway through the increasing smoke of wildfires, darkening the skies. At Big Pine you have him turn east onto 168 and after an hour arrive at Deep Springs College.



You order Keebler to pull off the road into a little turn-around several hundred yards from the little complex. You see some buildings in the distance, cattle in the fields, and some people on horseback far away.

"The fuzz are looking for my Rover now. Drive it into the trees as far as you can, then we'll ditch it. Kid, grab the money case."

You ransack the Rover for anything valuable, and the three of you set out into the woods until you find a ramshackle shed where you bed down for the night.

>_



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Zombiepop
Mar 30, 2010


>seduce keebler

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