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Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019

Have we gone to the bathroom yet? Take a big poo poo in the woods

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jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Hey guys, I've got an idea...

> Immediately solve case via contrived and unsatisfying deus ex machina.

Thumposaurus
Jul 24, 2007

>climb a tree

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
You toke while leaning against a wall and flipping through Keebler's phone. The boy hugs his knees, while Keebler lolls his head back and forth. You look for any mention of Reno in the history or folders, but find none. It seems the businessman did a good job of wiping data. You long for the days when you had devices to get around that. You do find a short notepad file with nothing but the name Frank Holon and the sequence 2912.

"Kid, my arm is still hosed up. Climb a tree as high as you can and tell me what you see about those buildings. I'm going to go take a turbo poo poo." The boy disappears out the door.

Keebler stirs. "Mr. Qwan, please let me go. I will do anything. I don't care anymore, I just want to go home."
"That doesn't surprise me. You know if I let you go the guys from Reno will find you and kill you. Or maybe I will first."

He crawls toward you. "I'll suck your dick. I'll gargle your balls and finger your rear end. Just so you let me go."

This you ponder. "I'll keep that in mind, but these tight pants are cupping my scrote quite nicely at the moment."

"Am I your prisoner then?"

"You still have poo poo in your skull that you haven't told me yet. I took the case and your money, and I mean to solve it. I've never taken a case I didn't solve. Now I'm going to drop a deuce. Stay here or I will kneecap you." You sling the rifle over your shoulder and wander out to find a suitable bush to poo poo behind.

As you wipe your rear end with a strip of cloth, you hear rustling behind you. You hike up your cop shorts and see the kid emerging.
"There is a stable and barn," he says, "a silo, and some other low buildings. Those are the ones with lights. There are a dozen or so people drinking around a bonfire. I think I heard music."

You pluck a cork out of a wine bottle and take a swig. "I think it's time you told me your name. I'm not going to keep calling you 'kid'."

He kicks at the dirt. "Tim Roof." He suddenly looks up at you. "Are you really looking for UFOs? What if one came and took us all away?"

".....You could say that, Tim. I suppose. Let's go back to the shed."

You can go any direction.

>_



Rank and Vile
Nov 11, 2008

I guess I didn't really think this through...

>_ Go join the folk at the bonfire.

Cry Havoc
May 10, 2004

This cyberpunk cartoon avatar is pretty dang ol' good, I tell you what.
> cast enlarge tim

Thumposaurus
Jul 24, 2007

> training montage with Tim

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
You and Tim go back to the shed and collect Keebler, who mumbles as he resists. You and Tim gather up the remaining wine, bottles, weed, wrapping paper, ammo, and cloth you tore from the Rover. The matches and knife you tuck in your pocket, and keep the rifle over your shoulder. "Come on Keebs, we're adventuring," you say as you kick him.

You all climb over the nearest fence and head to the lit buildings, worming your way among the docile cattle chewing their cud in the dark. By Keebler's phone, it is about 1:20AM. The ground is dry and crumbles underfoot. You reach a gate, walk through, and approach a group of ten or so young people, drinking from a keg around a large fire. You adjust your balls in the cop shorts. They all turn to look at you. An older woman approaches.

"Who are you? This is private property."

You tip your cop hat at her, and flash your badge. "Kurt Qwan, PI, ma'am. We had a breakdown on the road. Looking for this young lady." You show her the picture of Jessica on Keebler's phone.

All in attendance look at the photo, but none claim to recognize it. A man walks out of a nearby building with a saddle-bag on his shoulder, and eyes the three of you up and down. "Are yall folks OK?"

"Do we look like we're not?" you say.

Keebler mumbles, "I've never been betterer."

Someone turns up the music and the young people resume carousing. The woman says, "You can stay on campus until the wildfires die down. We won't go out of the valley until they do. But we have plenty of beer and weed."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For four weeks the three of you stay at Deep Springs College, Keebler healing his busted nose while you heal your arm. The sky is awash with the fumes of wildfires. Tim's bruises from his brutal beating at the hand of the cartel dude slowly fade. With the help of the students, you teach him how to ride a horse, shoot, and work on vehicles. As part of your morning routine you toke, drink some booze, then jog up the nearest hill and back with Keebs and Tim. You teach Tim some card tricks, and other sleight-of-hand. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_9FyTiq3SA After four weeks Tim seems to stand two inches taller.

Finally, the fires abate. The college offers to drive you wherever you want, within a reasonable distance.

>_



Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 06:11 on Oct 1, 2020

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
You are here.







Cry Havoc
May 10, 2004

This cyberpunk cartoon avatar is pretty dang ol' good, I tell you what.
gently caress yeah tim two inches longer

> go Death Valley

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019

Have Tim use card tricks on the students to come with us and help

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
You and Tim are hanging out around a fire listening to a dude strum a guitar under the full moon. Six students are sitting around, bashed drunk. You nudge Tim. "Ask them if they want an adventure." He does.

"Why should we?" asks guitar dude. "We're fine here."

You swallow half of your last wine. "I bet this boy here can get an ace of spades out of your guitar. If he does, you come with us. If he can't, I'll give you all my weed."

---------------------------------------------------

Flip a coin

Cry Havoc
May 10, 2004

This cyberpunk cartoon avatar is pretty dang ol' good, I tell you what.
> t for tim

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
Thanks to the generous participation of GRINDCORE MEGGIDO, HGB and TheAardvark, a timely result has been reached.
------------------------------------------------------

Tim places his hand over the guitar, closes his eyes, and hovers it around. The group around the campfire grows deathly silent. Then Tim snaps his fingers and produces a two-of-diamonds.

"Very impressive," says the young guitar player. "Now how's about that weed?"

"gently caress!" you shout. Tim looks ashamed, while Keebler writhes in the dirt like an animal. "I'll buy the weed back for 50,000," you beg.

"No way man," says one of the other students. "You know how often we see pot of this quality? It stays with us. You can have a twelve of Hamms though."

You stomp off in a huff, trailed by Tim and Keebler. At the college hq, you meet a staff member and arrange for them to drive you south overnight to Death Valley. Your trio pile all your poo poo into the back and climb in. Keebler grabs your shoulder. "Why the gently caress are we going to Death Valley?"

"Why not? No one will be looking for us there, and even if they find out we went there they will figure us dead. It's like crossing a stream with hounds on your trail. Now have a beer you dumb bitch." You throw all your weed out the window as the truck pulls away from Deep Springs College. The young man drives for a few hours through scrub desert with wildfire smoke obscuring the sky. After a while going down route 190 he drops the three of you off at the gate of Furnace Creek in Death Valley National Park. The driver laughs as he peels out and waves goodbye in a cloud of dust, finally dissappearing over the horizon. Your party stands on the baking hot pavement. No one is around. You hold the rifle and ammo, along with the money-case. Keebler holds the beer, and cracks one open. It is disgustingly hot and frothy, and makes him gag.

You can go any direction.

>_



Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 02:53 on Oct 4, 2020

Cry Havoc
May 10, 2004

This cyberpunk cartoon avatar is pretty dang ol' good, I tell you what.
> go down

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES




Cry Havoc
May 10, 2004

This cyberpunk cartoon avatar is pretty dang ol' good, I tell you what.
> ghost ride the golf cart

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019

> Go get some Borax

yoloer420
May 19, 2006
> cast enlarge balls

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
"Holy God, it's hot," Keebler says, instantly soaked in sweat. "I think my shoes are melting."

Tim uses Keebler's phone to look up a map of the village. "There's a golf course, a resort, a gas station, a Jeep rental, a bar and a taco place. And an airport. Plus some oth--"

"What we need to do first is this," you say. "We need drugs, and I need some synthol. Tim, hot wire that golf cart and we'll jog along beside it like we belong here. Put all our poo poo on the seat. Except for the gun, I'm keeping that. Let's go to the gas station."

Your party ghost rides the golf cart a short way down the road, hopping onto the cart just as it pulls up to the lot. You go in and find the teenage attendant asleep behind the counter, so you help yourself to whatever, including several ounces of weed from his pants pockets, and leave a hundo bill in his belt. As you walk out of the shop with an arm-full of water bottles, snacks, weed, beer, and cigs, you come face to face with a highway patrol officer. You nod to her.

"Just confiscating some contraband, along with this gun," you say. "Been scoping this place out for a while now."

She takes off her motorcycle helmet and looks at your cop shorts. "Seems like you would want something more breathable in this heat. As it happens, I was about to question this kid concerning a drug ring in the area, but it looks like you already did."

"Oh, yeah, he spilled his guts. Said they were operating out of that Oasis Resort down the road. I was on my way there with my...confidential informants."

"Might be they're bringing it in by plane," the officer says. "I think I'll come with you. drat, they gave you a loving golf cart? Budget cuts are a bitch."
You dump your loot into the back of the cart and drive down a ways to the Oasis Resort. You tell Keebs and Tim to wait in the lobby while you and the officer have a look around. You slip away to the swimming pool near the outdoor bar and find some burly looking men with absurdly huge biceps, and score some synthol off them, which you inject into your scrotum until it looks like you are smuggling a pair of apples in your comically small child sized cop shorts.

You pound a few shots of vodka, then find the highway patrol officer again. "I read the room, and I hear that the cartel is based way out in the desert, posing as a Borax-mining operation for cover."

>_You can go any direction

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
loving hell that was difficult



Bacontotem
May 27, 2010



>install a anime gacha game on phone

Cry Havoc
May 10, 2004

This cyberpunk cartoon avatar is pretty dang ol' good, I tell you what.
> seduce officer

mexican willie
Mar 17, 2007

>take a nap

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
"Alright boys," you sway as the booze starts to hit, "you hang here by the pool and have a nice time. Keebs, if you try to run I will hunt you down and eat your pancreas. Officer...woman here and I are gonna scope this place out more."

"What is your name, anyway?" you ask her as you walk toward the bar.

"Frocktom," she answers. "You're packing some heat for a man as old as you."

"The AK is evidence." You order a full bottle of whiskey, and blaze, offering the blunt to Frocktom.
"I could cuff you right now for this," she says, exhaling, "and I'm ninety percent sure you aren't a cop. But out here, who gives a poo poo?"

You wake up in the middle of the night naked next to Frocktom in the golf course fairway. A half-moon floats overhead. You grope around for your clothes, pull them on and shake her awake. Keebler and Tim are sitting in a sand-trap nearby, playing cards and drinking wine.

You stumble over. "Give me that fuckin wine. You give wine to kids you freak?" You kick sand in Keeb's face while a naked Frocktom tries to cuff a nearby shrub.

The night is almost pleasant. Tim drunkenly announces that he has downloaded Dipshit Diamonds 2020 onto Keebler's phone. You blaze and take the phone from him.

"This rear end in a top hat Noloh2592 keeps sending me on rat quests," Tim slurs, "and asking me if I know Roddy. I tried to block him..."

"What username do you have?"

Tim squints at the phone. "KeebLore47."

You jerk on your tiny cop shirt, slap your cap on, and sling your gun over your shoulder.

You can go any direction.

>_



Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 05:26 on Oct 7, 2020

Thumposaurus
Jul 24, 2007

> Build a magnificent sand castle in the sand trap

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019

>Find Noloh2592's location via hacking
>Use the phone to mine bitcoin too

mexican willie
Mar 17, 2007

>open sarcophagus

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES

mexican willie posted:

>open sarcophagus

i dont undeerstant what this refers to

Bioshuffle
Feb 10, 2011

No good deed goes unpunished

Fire off a couple of rounds of the gun to make sure it works. And also just for the hell of it.

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
"Keebs, Frocktom, help Tim build a sand castle. That should keep you all occupied. I have important work to do."

You walk a hundred yards away into some trees and fire off a few rounds to test the gun, while taking a nice long piss. You spend a half-hour doing some serious doxxing to discover this Noloh2592's identity. You find a few things:

He claims to be a male teenager
He's had an account on Diamond Dipshits 2020 for six months, and has a diaperfur account on DeviantArt
There is a reddit account noloh2595 that mainly seems to upvote posts in since-banned incel subs. This account claims to live in Marigot on the island of St. Martin.
Noloh2592's Diamond Dipshits 2020 account profile simply lists Wyoming as his location.

You search Keeb's phone for cross-references, but nothing comes up.

You go back to the sand trap and see an expertly crafted sand structure that looks very much like the hacienda in Morro Bay. Your party is passed out in the grass. It is 3AM, 10/11/20.

You can go any direction.

>_



Cry Havoc
May 10, 2004

This cyberpunk cartoon avatar is pretty dang ol' good, I tell you what.
> dm diamond dipshit

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
i forgot google maps had a satellite image feature



Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019

Go get a cessna

Cry Havoc
May 10, 2004

This cyberpunk cartoon avatar is pretty dang ol' good, I tell you what.
> ghost ride the cessna

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
You make a note on the phone to save the two usernames, and kick everyone to wake them up. You give the phone back to Tim and tell him to keep playing the game. "See if you can get any more info out them, but don't give any away." He nods.

"Frock, put your uniform back on. Keebs, gather up the wine in the sack. We're going to the airfield."

The three adults blaze while Tim plays on the phone. Your party makes its way to the Airport Road. Its a bit of a hike but at least it is cooler in the night, and there is no traffic at all.

"Can you commandeer an airplane?" you ask Frock.

"Can you fly one? Yes I can, the manager at the field is a Park Ranger and a little bitch, he won't stop me."

You arrive at the small airfield complex. Only a few security lights, and the runway lights, are on. The four of you walk in and find an office that seems to have some official capacity. Through the glass, you see a man jerking his hog in the glow of a computer screen. When you tap the AK on the glass, he looks up in a panic and hikes up his shorts, then opens the door. Before he can say anything, Frocktom flashes her badge. "Officer Frocktom, California State Police. This is..."

"Special Investigator Kurt Qwan, and two confidential informants. We're taking an airplane. In pursuit of...suspects."

He looks back and forth at all of you, then at your giant nutsack. "I'll have to check with HQ--"

"No," you say as you light a blunt. "Your communications are tapped. These are crafty ones."
"I've never felt better," mutters Keebs.

The ranger fiddles with his hands. "I have three Cessna Skyhawks here, fully fueled. I suppose I could give you the keys to one," but Frock has already retrieved a set from the office. Your party walks out to the nearby single runway where three planes are parked. Keebs jogs up to keep pace with you. "Do you know how to fly a plane?" he coughs.

"No, but I bet Tim does."

Tim doesn't look up from the phone. "I've played Microsoft Flight Simulator a lot."

"Good. The three of us are too high to figure it out anyway. Keebs, help Frock stow all our poo poo in the baggage thing," you say as you unlock the door and hand the key to Tim. The kid starts the plane easily, before anyone else is on board, and begins to taxi. As he wheels it about and guns it, the three of you sprint alongside grab the door handles and leap inside. The Cessna takes off into the pre-dawn darkness.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Barring any trouble, this is how far you can fly with your weight load.



>_



Thumposaurus
Jul 24, 2007

> do a barrel roll

Cry Havoc
May 10, 2004

This cyberpunk cartoon avatar is pretty dang ol' good, I tell you what.
> reenact vegas strip landing from con air

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019

Play Diamond Dipshits 2020 on the big screen in Vegas

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Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

Silent Majority
The Don
LORD COMMANDER OF THE UKRAINIAN ARMED FORCES
Tim flies toward Vegas through a clear southeast night. Your party is challenged by several air traffic control officers, but you ignore them. Tim falls asleep, so you take the controls from the co-pilot seat. Keebs and Frock are passed out in the back. After a while the glow of Vegas is unmistakable, and you angle toward it. Keebs wakes up from time to time to ask you if you know what you're doing.
"Shut up, I know what's up and down, fucker." You tune the radio to a country rock station. Tim wakes up, and stares at the phone.

"Noloh2592 has challenged me to a tournament at Mandalay Bay," he says.

"Has he said who he is?" you ask, as you roll a blunt.

"No. He just wants me to fight him at the Diamond Dipshits 2020 tourney."

You toke hard and do a barrel roll as you descend toward the Vegas strip. You slip between several tall buildings, then point to I-15. Frock and Keebs wake up and retch as the plane rolls over and over. You slow down and dip to one hundred feet over the highway, which blessedly is mostly clear of traffic.

"Take over and land this bitch," you shout to Tim, as you smash open your window and start firing your AK into the dry Nevada night.

Tim lands the plane on the highway, and drives it into the parking lot of the Mandalay Bay, where he parks it.

"Keebs, Tim, stay with the plane," you say, "Frock, come with me."

Frocktom walks in front, holding out her badge. No rent-a-cop or actual police officer confronts you, even though they eye your automatic rifle and costume.

Furries, cosplayers, larpers, and nerds of all sorts are swarming about in a huge convention hall. You see a big banner with "Diamond Dipshits 2020" draped over one path, and head that way, muscling to the front of a line of diaperfurs. At the opposite side of the table is an unassuming man with a pickachu hat.

You can go any direction.

>_



Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 05:29 on Oct 15, 2020

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