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KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD
Jul 7, 2012



Here are my posts in the breakup thread.

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

I love my girlfriend but I am thinking of breaking up with her due to a number of incompatibilities. Also because she broke down yesterday saying that she feels like we "don't have an emotional relationship" which was pretty shocking to me, since I feel like I have given her everything I have emotionally and I thought I knew her really well in that way. She's lovely and incredible in positively every way and I feel like I will never meet someone like her again, so I am facing an extremely difficult and scary choice. Not really asking a question, just needed to post about it in short form. Thanks for reading

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

I would say it's the other way around actually - much of my brain says I should do it, but my heart says what the gently caress are you doing, you love her. We've only been dating since February but boy did I fall for her. We haven't talked in two days and I don't know what's going to happen. It's a constant burning feeling inside.

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

We've never yelled at each other or anything like that. I think the issue is less that we haven't figured out how to talk to each other correctly and more that we have differences we may or may not be able to bridge.

The real thing I am afraid of is that I will be unable to make a rational decision that makes me happy in the long run when I am sitting there talking to her in person, because in the moment I just want to hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay, and make whatever sacrifices I have to to make that true. I guess I'm not being selfish enough, or something.

Today I texted to ask if she wanted to talk, and she responded that she's in the hospital. I called her. Apparently she tidied up her apartment, sent letters and emails to her friends (not specifically referring to suicide, but as goodbyes,) checked into a hotel, and planned to kill herself - or, as she said, she was hoping that staying there would change her mind. She ended up calling her doctor, who called the police and an ambulance. She's in the hospital right now, and apparently they are planning to transfer her to a psychiatric institution.

I am in shock. I have no idea what to do. I called her therapist, and she is calling her, but beyond that I have no idea. I offered to bring her food and whatever else she needs, but they're not letting her have visitors.

I do love her. Before this, circumstances led me to believe that in spite of the fact I love her, it might be better for us not to date. I have no idea what is going to happen now, or what I should do, or not do. I am very scared.

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Pixelante
Mar 15, 2006

You people will by God act like a team, or at least like people who know each other, or I'll incinerate the bunch of you here and now.


You can't build stable plans around someone who is unstable. I think you need to take it a step at a time, expecting some of those steps to be backwards or sideways. She needs time to get herself back on the rails. Be a friend for now. I'm tempted to say you should give it a year before you attempt anything romantic (if you decide you want to go that direction) but I know hormones are hard to fight. At the same time, someone wrestling with that kind of internal hell is not going to be a healthy partner for quite some time. You can't rescue her from that.

It's definitely possible to love the hell out of someone while recognizing that a relationship would be bad for you. Hard, but possible.

owlhawk911
Nov 8, 2019


always for love, never from fear op. i got no specific advice for you but that line has always served me well

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


It's difficult to offer tailored advice when your post is full of vague statements like: "I am thinking of breaking up with her due to a number of incompatibilities" and "we have differences we may or may not be able to bridge".

Anyway, I feel like I should make it clear that if you were thinking of breaking up before, a suicide attempt two days after she broke down and stopped contact because you weren't "emotional" enough in the relationship despite you feeling otherwise is not a juncture for you to re-evaluate your decision. On the contrary, it should affirm it. Any protective instinct and natural concern about it is basically an emotional trap for you that could be extremely damaging mentally. I really don't like to see statements like "I'll never meet someone like her again" because although trivially true, it doesn't mean there aren't a whole bunch more people out there who would offer a more fulfilling relationship. You can use your best judgement as to when and how you break up, but if you choose to do so (and I believe you should), be aware that the deeper you get entangled with her and her issues, the harder it will become to do so. Being the emotional rock and care-giver to somebody suicidal is not a decision to be taken lightly, and should really only be on the cards for a committed relationship. For a six month relationship already on the rocks in the most critical area (i.e. in communication), it should not be on your radar.

Offer the support you feel able to, but don't let the fact that you care about her well-being cause you to sleepwalk into a toxic relationship. You will regret it.

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD
Jul 7, 2012



So how do I do that without leading her to another attempt?

Bug Squash
Mar 18, 2009


YOU CAN STOMP US!

YOU CAN SQUASH US!

BUT YOU'LL NEVER EVER STOP US!


KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

So how do I do that without leading her to another attempt?

You're not responsible for what she does. Her issues are internal, you just happen to be there. Pretending to be in a relationship with her is going to hurt you both long term.

jack_squat
May 7, 2007
Don't expect much.

If you really wanted to pull the plug, while she’s under close supervision by people with experience dealing with suicidal people might be the best time to do it.

I’m somebody with chronic passive suicidal ideation, so I might be able to put myself in your soon to be ex’s position. Yeah, I’d feel pretty hurt and lovely, but (in my clearer thinking) I don’t want anybody throwing in for the long haul of keeping my gay rear end from the noose having only known me as short as you’ve known your gf.

There’s two approaches I can think of.

1. Sever overtly, loud and clear: this will have the advantage of being clear. It will make you look like a huge rear end in a top hat, but that might be among the better outcomes in this scenario.

2. Sever kindly, sweetly as one can do: “Hey [gf], this is possibly the worst time for me to do this. You’ve been going through hell lately, but out of respectful honesty towards you, I will tell you that I have been contemplating how to tell you something difficult.
I don’t think we’re right for each other. I think right now especially, what you need is love, and not some rear end in a top hat who’s realized he wants out of the relationship, but stays in it because he thinks you aren’t strong enough to handle the breakup.
You’re not fragile. You’re strong. This is really going to hurt. Let’s break up.”

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD
Jul 7, 2012



I appreciate that input. I guess I'm not that committed to breaking up with her, honestly. I need to do some serious soul searching about it. The enforced space will probably be good for that.

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD
Jul 7, 2012



Jeza posted:

Being the emotional rock and care-giver to somebody suicidal is not a decision to be taken lightly, and should really only be on the cards for a committed relationship. For a six month relationship already on the rocks in the most critical area (i.e. in communication), it should not be on your radar.

Offer the support you feel able to, but don't let the fact that you care about her well-being cause you to sleepwalk into a toxic relationship. You will regret it.
We had planned out a future for ourselves - married, house, maybe kids - down to considering what town to live in. That sounds ridiculous for how long we've been together, but I was totally up for it. Our relationship didn't feel toxic until this happened. We had problems, mostly with communication, but they were completely overshadowed by how lovely it was to spend time together. In every single way, she is my companion. It turns out that I was not providing for her emotionally the way I thought I was.

I keep hearing people tell me not to blame myself, but I can't help it. From a 10,000 foot view it seems that my actions, or inactions, were pretty much the direct cause of this happening. That feels horrible. If we stay together, I will constantly be afraid of her emotional state. If we split, I don't know how I will be able to trust myself, or another person, in this way again.

DickParasite
Dec 2, 2004



Slippery Tilde

OP I'm getting some strange passive-aggressive vibes from you. I think you're generally well intentioned but conflict-avoidant, and refusing to poo poo or get off the pot in this situation could lead to a significantly worse outcome for you and your girlfriend.

To reiterate:

jack_squat posted:

If you really wanted to pull the plug, while she’s under close supervision by people with experience dealing with suicidal people might be the best time to do it.

Pull the trigger.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

We had planned out a future for ourselves - married, house, maybe kids - down to considering what town to live in. That sounds ridiculous for how long we've been together, but I was totally up for it. Our relationship didn't feel toxic until this happened. We had problems, mostly with communication, but they were completely overshadowed by how lovely it was to spend time together. In every single way, she is my companion. It turns out that I was not providing for her emotionally the way I thought I was.

I keep hearing people tell me not to blame myself, but I can't help it. From a 10,000 foot view it seems that my actions, or inactions, were pretty much the direct cause of this happening. That feels horrible. If we stay together, I will constantly be afraid of her emotional state. If we split, I don't know how I will be able to trust myself, or another person, in this way again.

I don't have enough information to comment on whether I think your relationship was healthy or otherwise, I'll believe you if you say it was. My point is that from this point forward, it has every sign of becoming a toxic one. I will say that you can't give with one hand saying how lovely everything was, while taking with the other and saying merely days ago you were heavily considering breaking up.

What's important is that what happened is not your fault. Thinking your actions or 'inactions' caused her to attempt suicide is a dangerous and unhealthy way of looking at things, and not the sort of thing a person capable of dealing with a relationship with somebody suicidal would say - it basically lays it open that you are emotionally vulnerable to be controlled by guilt and fear, the kind of person who won't be able to leave in the future due to the risk of the harm it could do to her. A decision that will get harder the longer you leave it. Moreover, it's not only unhealthy but it's straight up inaccurate - people do not become suicidal based on a relationship not quite cutting it. Your closeness is blinding you to the fact that your relationship was probably only incidental, irrelevant even. If only we lived in a world where loving somebody unconditionally could prevent suicide. But we don't. Far greater underlying factors are at play that you are unaware of, and that is a certifiable fact.

Caring and protective instincts aren't wrong, but they are inherently at risk to somebody willing to abuse them - whether they know they are doing so or not. The very fact that you feel you 'failed' her emotionally is like the mother of all alarm bells here. Even if you, personally, are ready to have a healthy and happy relationship, she clearly isn't.

I kind of already sense that you won't break up, it's written in the gaps between every word you've posted here. I won't lie, the possibility you're seeing (and it's probably all you can see) where you patch things up and you recover together to go back to the way things were is not inconceivable. But it is not the most likely outcome. This space is for outsiders looking in to offer impartial perspectives, and I have to tell you that there are many worse outcomes that are more likely. The safest and best decision is to break up. As Pixelante says, you can be a friend, but you (both) need emotional distance. The future of the relationship hinges on her recovery, and her recovery may be months or years away. It may never come to pass. You can't live in limbo like that.



And also, she may have already broken up with you. Just, uh, throwing that out there. Not trying to be a dick.

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD
Jul 7, 2012



She called and we broke up. We left it open ended - she is taking a leave of absence from her job and traveling to see her friends and mother abroad. She will be gone at least through the end of the year, so we can't be together anyway. When she comes back, we'll revisit. If we meet other people, we meet other people. At least, that's the plan for now.

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD
Jul 7, 2012



I know that breaking up for now was the best decision for her – I don't want her to stay here for my sake if leaving the US for a few months will help her to heal – but at the end of the day she is in a loving mental hospital because of how I handled our relationship. I just want to hold her and tell her everything will be all right. I feel like none of this would have happened if we had never met. Meeting me destroyed her life. Inside I am a burning cavern filled with shame.

DickParasite
Dec 2, 2004



Slippery Tilde

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

at the end of the day she is in a loving mental hospital because of how I handled our relationship.

She's getting the help she needs. You may have been a contributing factor to her mental health decline, I honestly can't tell from your posts, but it's also possible she would have landed in the same spot had she never met you.

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

Meeting me destroyed her life.

How do you know that?

KitConstantine
Jan 11, 2013

Ask me about women's ~Science~


KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

I know that breaking up for now was the best decision for her – I don't want her to stay here for my sake if leaving the US for a few months will help her to heal – but at the end of the day she is in a loving mental hospital because of how I handled our relationship. I just want to hold her and tell her everything will be all right. I feel like none of this would have happened if we had never met. Meeting me destroyed her life. Inside I am a burning cavern filled with shame.

How about you stop making your ex's situation all about you.

You didn't cause her depression. You didn't "ruin her life". Quite frankly your relationship wasn't a big enough part of her life for long enough for you to take any credit or blame for her situation. The most you could say is that maybe it threw her issues into stark enough relief that she finally went for treatment.

How about you stop with the self-indulgent wailing and gnashing of teeth? She's her own person who had a whole life before you leading to this point, is getting treatment, and will hopefully have a life long after you.

KitConstantine
Jan 11, 2013

Ask me about women's ~Science~


Maybe I'm being harsh bc of my own past.

I had a guy I was seeing for a couple months fall off the wagon hard one weekend, come to my place where I ended up taking care of him the whole time, and fall and die in my bathroom while I was at work after letting him stay for a couple days more. I have ptsd from the experience.

His demons were his own before we met. Hers were hers before you did. It's shocking and sucks but man she's alive and getting treatment of her own volition. She'll figure it out and you'll both ideally move on to happier lives.

But you aren't that big a part of her story, and most importantly it's hers. You aren't the main character here so stop trying to find a way to be one

owlhawk911
Nov 8, 2019


other posters have said it more harshly, but yeah op. you don't have that kind of control over anyone else's life. i think you've handled this really well, things just suck sometimes and there isn't always anything anyone can do

PetraCore
Jul 20, 2017





I think it's a natural instinct to try to center things on ourselves, especially something shocking and scary. It's just that like with a lot of natural instincts, that's going to get rapidly less helpful and you've got to be able to self-examine and correct for it.

I'm glad your ex-girlfriend is getting the help she needs and taking steps to get healthy. I don't think you ruined her life or caused her suicidal depression. From what little you've said it sounds like there were red flags and warning signs you missed and she felt like you couldn't see her problems until she was in crisis and attempted suicide, but that's just... life when nobody is a mind reader. It's hard, but you can acknowledge her distress while still not taking the weight of the blame onto yourself.

jack_squat
May 7, 2007
Don't expect much.

+1 for “reality is horrendously complicated and it’s generally a good idea to assume you don’t have as much of an impact on things as you think you might”

hazardousmouse
Dec 17, 2010

That ain't a noodle, chirpy!


KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

I know that breaking up for now was the best decision for her – I don't want her to stay here for my sake if leaving the US for a few months will help her to heal – but at the end of the day she is in a loving mental hospital because of how I handled our relationship. I just want to hold her and tell her everything will be all right. I feel like none of this would have happened if we had never met. Meeting me destroyed her life. Inside I am a burning cavern filled with shame.

Good Lord she hit the jackpot being able to yank herself out of the US. if she's smart, she'll stay gone.

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009


This is a rough situation, OP, and I can understand why you want so hard for it to be Your Fault(TM). The alternative, and the truth, is that these kinds of things are completely out of our control. People who are properly trained and qualified can sometimes help, but even they don't always succeed. This isn't your fault, Kotex, and that also means it isn't your responsibility.

The alternative is that you stay with her despite her instability and your doubts. Deliberately or not, you'd be rebuilding your relationship on the wise and solid foundation of emotional blackmail.


hazardousmouse posted:

Good Lord she hit the jackpot being able to yank herself out of the US. if she's smart, she'll stay gone.

also this

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD
Jul 7, 2012



She asked me to go with her to her home country and I had to say no, partly because of my job and life here, but also because I don't want to be the cause of another relapse - even if we're not blaming me for what happened, that doesn't mean that the situation with me didn't trigger this, and I don't want to stand between her and fully healing. She doesn't really want to go back herself, but her family is there, and they have a farm where she can rest and recover.

I appreciate those of you who are trying to reassure me that this isn't my fault. I will try harder to accept that.

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009


KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

She asked me to go with her to her home country and I had to say no
Holy poo poo, good. No matter how good your intentions, and no matter how bad the US is right now, uprooting your entire life for a relationship with someone who needs recovery time is a hell of a bad idea.

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009


Especially one that already had serious problems AND you haven’t been in very long.

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lizard_phunk
Oct 23, 2003

Alt Girl For Norge


KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

She called and we broke up. We left it open ended - she is taking a leave of absence from her job and traveling to see her friends and mother abroad. She will be gone at least through the end of the year, so we can't be together anyway. When she comes back, we'll revisit. If we meet other people, we meet other people. At least, that's the plan for now.

Leaving it open ended is exactly the type of "limbo" you were advised against. It's a bad idea.

KOTEX GOD OF BLOOD posted:

she is in a loving mental hospital because of how I handled our relationship.

No, she's not.

Break up for real and move on.

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