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Many thanks. Plenty to think about.
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Apr 10, 2021 18:29
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I've put up a new draft. Just the prologue and the section Glastonbury that have changed. I'm not sure if the change to Martha's bit are an improvement or not. Leng, newts, I'd be interested in if you prefer this or the old version. More of an infodump on witches and Amy's role much earlier on. https://docs.google.com/document/d/17UBHcVLqzUFU5YThQUobNc2NiBr_nAIYP1Jm2hI-tWw/edit?usp=sharing
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Apr 11, 2021 20:27
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I like the new Glastonbury section! Reading that before the switch to Martha's POV makes it more seamless for me, though her directly mentioning Amy will mean that you lose a bit of the mystery straight away (I think you could get away with not naming her, and just let Tom/the reader put the clues together). Prologue has much better context for the characters as well. Chris's nonchalant reaction was a surprise (is Chris just that kind of guy?) but otherwise a big improvement. Still not sure how to take Tom's reaction to Chris's death (were they best friends? flatmates? or does he not like Chris that much and only puts up with him because he couldn't otherwise afford rent?), you maybe need a line of introspection to add to the dialogue.
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Apr 11, 2021 22:48
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And here is part 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZGGyea8DZQSXxraIkPVo2t34i3Ih7zt7KZwKK5Ef17c/edit?usp=sharing
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Apr 13, 2021 14:19
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I'm writing kind of a silly fan-fiction and I'd like some feedback on my work. Others have been saying it's too rushed and I don't understand that criticism. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xf4lRk7N4y_ME8Uljt9Uln4W8niDSisMpLIz5X-xYSs/edit?usp=sharing
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May 15, 2021 03:15
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Mycroft Holmes posted:I'm writing kind of a silly fan-fiction and I'd like some feedback on my work. Others have been saying it's too rushed and I don't understand that criticism. I had a quick skim of it and I think it's a couple of things in combination:
If you'd like more detailed suggestions I can give those as well but hopefully this gives you enough of an idea to move forward.
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May 15, 2021 05:27
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Leng posted:I had a quick skim of it and I think it's a couple of things in combination: I am planning on writing more. I suppose the rushed feeling is due to my writing roughly 500 word chunks at a time. Also, how do I differ between narration and dramatization?
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May 15, 2021 05:46
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Mycroft Holmes posted:I'm writing kind of a silly fan-fiction and I'd like some feedback on my work. Others have been saying it's too rushed and I don't understand that criticism. The premise is interesting, but to me you skipped over what should be the best bit. quote:Half an hour later, he had convened the cabinet and summoned General Grant. I'd want to see Lincoln's reaction to finding himself transported to another world. quote:The route they were following led through a forest of old growth trees. It was wild and untamed, and made him think of Indians coming for his scalp I'd tread carefully here, avoid implying a parallel between native Americans and orcs/demons.
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May 15, 2021 06:53
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Mycroft Holmes posted:Also, how do I differ between narration and dramatization? I don't want to speak for Leng, but I think they mean things like this. quote:What followed was a confused melee, as a hail of gunfire from the cavalrys’ Spencers was followed by the hacking of sabers and the thump of revolvers. When all was said and done, the path was carpeted with the dead. That could be a dramatic scene where you see which characters are heroic and which are terrified and so on. But the way you've written it means you just go straight to the outcome.
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May 15, 2021 07:01
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FightingMongoose posted:I don't want to speak for Leng, but I think they mean things like this. Ah, I see what you mean.
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May 15, 2021 07:07
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Leng would you be kind enough to drop me a line? harrisonthewriter@gmail.com Thanks.
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Nov 12, 2021 13:58
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FightingMongoose posted:Leng would you be kind enough to drop me a line? Done!
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Nov 13, 2021 06:50
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I wrote a Nanowrimo novel and I'd like to get some feedback/critique on it. I'm toying with the idea of eventually self-publishing as an ebook. The concept is pretty simple: tech support for an up-and-coming mobster in Northern NJ, set in the 2008-2009 financial crisis. I've set it so you need to request access to view; please do request the access if you're interested. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1F-sqJISiex9f7OgbzT6OnWm1hqBmsLUt7ynTOMPCee4/edit?usp=sharing
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Dec 21, 2021 16:10
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MJP, I've only read the first 10 pages or so, but will read more later. I think you need to get your mobsters into the first scene. If I didn't know from your post, I wouldn't know it was a crime caper. I'm assuming the first interview where they're asking about accessing computers if they're not in front of you is the mobster's recruiter? Maybe you could move that scene right to the start and have the internal monologue make it clear that he ends up being hired for something shady? I got lost in some of the sentences. I do like your style, but some of them I think you need to make the point first and then let the protag wax lyrical, to make it easier to follow. A lot of the humour about the recruiters rings true, it got some genuine chuckles from me.
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Dec 22, 2021 17:34
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Carrying over from the other thread…DropTheAnvil posted:This looks like an outline. You are pointing out the relevant information that you want in the paragraph. Right, this is what I’m trying to do… I guess I wasn’t sure if I was on the right track with it. It’s definitely at the outline stage at the moment. That’s helpful to flesh it out, thanks. flerp posted:there's a lot of passive-like voice in this. try to avoid "feeling" or "seeing" and have things be immediate. for example, "feeling the iron chains tying" to "iron chains tied her." in a scene like this where the character is supposed to be losing control, i think its good to have the objects be the subject of the sentences. she doesnt have control and so she doesnt even get top billing in the sentences. Yes! This feels a lot more impactful. Rin has no control and a lot of things are happening at once. I think this is the main key I was missing. I feel embarrassed not picking up on that.
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Aug 6, 2022 08:14
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Luigi Thirty posted:Carrying over from the other thread… You should probably include the actual text being discussed.
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Aug 8, 2022 10:12
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SimonChris posted:You should probably include the actual text being discussed.
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Aug 8, 2022 11:41
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No, I am pretty sure they are talking about the excerpt from this post. Anyway, the fact that it is unclear confirms the importance of including it here.
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Aug 8, 2022 11:52
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Mycroft Holmes posted:I'm writing kind of a silly fan-fiction and I'd like some feedback on my work. Others have been saying it's too rushed and I don't understand that criticism. Funny that after a bit of lurking here that this is the first thing I take a look at. I love the premise and the multiple scenes that help capture the scale of what's suddenly happening, my two cents. It's most likely just me, but I am a sucker for details when it comes to fights, my only advice is just build them up. quote:“Affix bayonets!” Called the Colonel, who drew his sword and revolver. Affixing their bayonets, the soldiers then, as if on the parade ground, formed a square. What happened to the square formation? What caused it to not last long? Of course you can leave it to the reader to imagine, but throw in your tidbit of the massive demons smashing through its ranks. A sentence or two of some good, gory detail here could add some of of your fun in the fight scene. - Looking back on my own little fan fiction, I didn't realize that I had it expanded to 17k words. I had it thrown up on AO3 and apparently scored some 'kudos' for what that's worth, but it's very niche and I don't think it's quick to catch onto unless you've played any of the Valkyria Chronicles games. This sort of came about after me playing both VC 3 and 4 and looking up some of the others. I tend to excessively daydream about the games since I thoroughly enjoyed them and and I guess the following came to exist on .doc with my own characters being injected into that world. https://archiveofourown.org/works/29092365/chapters/71414334 The doc is a little disjointed, so I threw in the AO3 link that has the story set in there. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CuCFRCARApDkxQe4RAvNFMVp9fgt_NsQUrrxHtG5W20/edit?usp=sharing CabooseRvB fucked around with this message at 03:33 on Aug 17, 2022 |
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Aug 17, 2022 02:30
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I’m looking from some feedback on my fantasy novel. In the writing thread, Leng suggested this would be a good place so here it goes. https://docs.google.com/document/d/10-2C2xG5kUQLGKscHneohwRW88G3ffh8/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=107950934718105266587&rtpof=true&sd=true This is the opening section, it’s around 7000 words. Still working on my pitch but the basic premise is the main character is a former assassin who's become a kind of self-employed security consultant. I’d say it’s a cross between Terry Pratchett’s Discworld, specifically Night Watch, and Scott Lynch’s Lies of Lock Lamora series. Its primary goal is to be funny but occasionally it might make some kind of broader point. I’ve pretty much halved the novel since finishing the first draft and I’d be really grateful to get some eyes on it to see if it works. My partner has read it but at this point we’ve both read the thing so many times we’ve lost all perspective. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad, maybe I accidentally deleted a lot of necessary information that we are just inferring the existence of it. Impossible to know. Anyway, thanks to anyone willing to give it a look!
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Jan 10, 2023 18:10
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Popeston posted:I’m looking from some feedback on my fantasy novel. In the writing thread, Leng suggested this would be a good place so here it goes. Love the premise. I'm already imagining the movie Sneakers in fantasy novel form. Immediately, I'm lost. While beginning with an unattributed quote with such impossibilities as being dead and yet speaking raises all kinds of questions that make me curious, there's no scene setting. The King and Misen are floating in nebulous wheres and whens. The first place we're given is a bedchamber, but we don't know whose or if that's the present moment or prior, though we can assume not. And then there's backstory about how Misen got to this point, again without a scene setting. The first indication I get as a reader as to the setup is when Misen pulls the report from her satchel. A quick fix. The prose flows nicely. The humor is self-evident from the situation in the throne room. But I'd like a bit of the context of the world earlier too. Because saying that a king has no locking doors, no dungeons, four guards but a whole host of royal attendants doesn't jive with what expectations I have of a fantasy kingdom. While the concept of having just tons of minor kingdoms, some only inches big, is amusing and can lead to a lot of other amusing circumstances, without putting that up front, a reader is left confused rather than entertained. Because if that really was his plan all along and he knew what he was doing, why wouldn't he just hire her to make that statement in the first place? It does make some logical sense. But his surprise at the fact that she was able to "theoretically" kill him is in that case unbelievable. If this king is stupid, he needs to be stupid in just the right way. Finishing Abren's section, there's also an issue with telegraphing the motivations of these characters. I don't need to know what they're seeking on a book level at this point, but if Misen had already been paid and even got a potted plant for her troubles, without having to actually kill anybody or help people through her report, what's the problem? Why is she in this game? To get out of having to kill people? Done. To earn money/make a living? Done. To actually make a difference in the world? Not done. But why does she want this specific thing? I don't think that's it. But I don't know what the answer is, even on the most basic level. As for Abren, I don't even know whether he'd rather be alive or dead. And when that's already muddled, things like, why he's waiting for Misen, why he's preaching the word of prophets on the streets of Jakusta, or why people are propositioning him on the street are all confusing but not the first questions on my mind. I think these characters on their surfaces are great concepts. Assassin turned security agent. Himbo sidekick obsessed with purity of a religion. These have a lot of potential. But their introductions are missing some small details to keep me in the story while wanting more. Things get much better when we get to the bar. We get a sense of place. We start to tease out the deeper desires of Misen. We're introduced to a thoroughly slimy guild master. But even after all of the reasons why joining a guild would make Misen's life easier, we still don't learn why she doesn't want to be an assassin. She just gets increasingly drunk. Yet Abren still doesn't abandon her and I don't know why. Is he some sort of servant? Her butler? Her landlord? Why do they cohabitate? You have a good sense for the snarky detail that is of a piece with Pratchett. I am excited for the call to action being a job with a friend protecting a King from assassination. I hope they don't leave Abren behind. But I think this chapter dances around what happened at Sullenbridge too much to really make me understand what this means for Misen or Broukas. Give the reader more! Not necessarily all of it, but I'm assuming that's why you put this out here for fresh eyes. And as fresh eyes, I need a tad more explanation behind who people are, why they do what they do, and how that informs their interactions with other people. Not a ton. Not whole paragraphs, just enough to keep me interested in them and care about them to get to the snark and the rest of the ridiculous plot. Definitely keep going.
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Jan 10, 2023 21:09
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Thanks for the feedback! Regarding the first scene, I agree completely. I really wanted to start the book with a weird hook but it looking at it now there needs to be more actual scene setting. That’s definitely something I’ll work on. I think I ended up cutting too much set up and information. I want most of the setting to be passively established but without establishing the basics it’s probably a bit much. There’s some stuff that needs to revealed later but then there’s a lot of stuff, like there being so many kingdoms, that should just be spelled out at the start. Book is pretty much done but the start has been the part I’ve struggled with the most so I really appreciate this kind level of feedback. Thanks again!
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Jan 10, 2023 22:34
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Alright I've read the first 7k too! Have left you some inline reactions in your doc. The only major thing that bothered me is the opening, same as penguin. The rest of the points, I'll disagree on, in the sense that yes, you can add all that in line edits but structurally, this is solid. When I'm reading something that's snarky and absurd, I'm not really hanging out for these details; as long as you keep the jokes coming (and boy, you sure did, this was hilarious), I'm down for the ride.Popeston posted:Book is pretty much done Send me the whole thing if you want another set of eyes! I really enjoyed the excerpt and I'd be happy to beta read for you. Email is the same one commenting in your doc.
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Jan 13, 2023 12:40
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Leng posted:The rest of the points, I'll disagree on, in the sense that yes, you can add all that in line edits but structurally, this is solid. When I'm reading something that's snarky and absurd, I'm not really hanging out for these details; as long as you keep the jokes coming (and boy, you sure did, this was hilarious), I'm down for the ride. Agreed with this. If the story keeps moving and the absurdity is the main focus, you can absolutely gloss over a lot of the details I pointed out. And I don't think even the details I want would take more than half a sentence to hand wave an answer at to satisfy me or even just a reordering of information that you've already included. This is clearly not some glorious internally consistent worldbuilding epic. And no one going into it will expect it to be. So as long as you do what Leng said, you won't get too many people really digging into the particulars.
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Jan 13, 2023 19:49
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Leng posted:Alright I've read the first 7k too! Have left you some inline reactions in your doc. The only major thing that bothered me is the opening, same as penguin. The rest of the points, I'll disagree on, in the sense that yes, you can add all that in line edits but structurally, this is solid. When I'm reading something that's snarky and absurd, I'm not really hanging out for these details; as long as you keep the jokes coming (and boy, you sure did, this was hilarious), I'm down for the ride. Thanks so much for the feedback Leng! I really appreciate you highlighting lines you liked, first and foremost the book is supposed to be funny and it’s nice to see what’s getting a good reaction. Would be delighted if you read the rest but iI can't figure out what the email associated with the comments is. I’ll try pming you link. a friendly penguin posted:Agreed with this. If the story keeps moving and the absurdity is the main focus, you can absolutely gloss over a lot of the details I pointed out. And I don't think even the details I want would take more than half a sentence to hand wave an answer at to satisfy me or even just a reordering of information that you've already included. This is clearly not some glorious internally consistent worldbuilding epic. And no one going into it will expect it to be. So as long as you do what Leng said, you won't get too many people really digging into the particulars. I think you were spot on with a lot of your feedback. For me the setting and characters are so well defined in my head that I kind of brushed over stuff that would need set up. Like the way the second scene starts made sense to me but it needs some groundwork if it’s actually going to work as a joke. I’ve made some changes based on what you and Leng mentioned, I think it’s addressed the most glaring stuff but there are some things I’m holding back on for story reasons. My general goal is to maintain a certain momentum that keeps you going and reveal things as the story goes. Honestly, I do want the worldbuilding to be consistent and I think generally is. But I guess it’s kind of in the way Discworld is consistent where things are a bit farcical but it’s still a world people have to live in. Anyway, I hope the changes better establish some of that.
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Jan 18, 2023 18:33
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Hi thread. Can I get some crits on my blurb? It’s been through a few rounds of crits from my writing group, and a little workshop. I am mostly happy with it (as happy as one can be about your own blurb, I suppose). Anyway, the book is very close to being done, and I’m thinking about all the bells and whistles: cover, blurb, series name, etc. Would really appreciate any thoughts.quote:Run away to a small coastal town. Leave your dark past behind. Start over.
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Jan 19, 2023 00:59
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Popeston posted:I’m looking from some feedback on my fantasy novel. In the writing thread, Leng suggested this would be a good place so here it goes. I read it and think it's fantastic. I've never had a chance to read Pratchett -- one of those things I'm supposed to do and never get around to actually doing -- so my closest experience is more "Hitchhiker's Guide" but I'm going to guess that's pretty close. Little confusing in the opening but I got my footing pretty easily. I was a little confused by the tiny kingdom at first but with context I'm assuming the whole place is full of tiny kingdoms like that. Thought the humour worked really well. Smik fucked around with this message at 08:48 on Jan 22, 2023 |
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Jan 22, 2023 08:43
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I've been working on a story for awhile now and am on revision seven. I played around with the narrative a bit and I need some feedback on this version. I've passed it around to a few people and while they seem to like it, I guess it's time to show it to some complete strangers to get a real feel if it works or not. https://docs.google.com/document/d/11iAVDB9F90tnabrrdb2LaaxfJNv7pzfhldbfDyFp4ig/edit?usp=sharing I've posted 11,000 words in the Google Docs file. A supernatural investigator discovers the only way he can clear his client's haunting is by having the spirit haunt him instead. The exert includes introducing the client, protagonist and the eccentric supernatural organization that he gets some of his equipment and information from. I kinda describe it as "Ghostbusters crossed with Pokémon" except there's no proton packs or traps or stuffing things into balls but there is the supernatural, dealing with them is a business, and there is a sort of "I choose you" aspect... Smik fucked around with this message at 10:59 on Jan 22, 2023 |
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Jan 22, 2023 09:08
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Smik posted:I've been working on a story for awhile now and am on revision seven. I played around with the narrative a bit and I need some feedback on this version. I've passed it around to a few people and while they seem to like it, I guess it's time to show it to some complete strangers to get a real feel if it works or not. I’m guessing what you’re looking for is a crit on narrative voice? One thing I noticed is the grammar itself is a bit too formal to match the more colloquial tone you’re going for. For one, you rarely use contractions—not in the first page of dialogue or in the narration. Using a lot more contractions everywhere will help the narrative flow and help the voice you’re going for. You also tend to use “had” in a lot of sentences that would benefit from more immediacy, but that’s a minor detail. Punchier sentences would also help give it a more noir tone. Here’s an example of the kinda changes you could make: quote:The mansion grounds of his client were haggard: trees had become torn and twisted with their branches littering the grass, the stonework was mouldy, mushrooms dotted the lawn in circles, and the small pond next to the shattered remains of a statue was an unhealthy green. For a faerie haunting it was practically cliché “His client left his mansion grounds haggard (insert speculation regarding a lack of gardener perhaps): trees torn and twisted, branches littering the grass (insert creepy simile), mouldy stonework. (Fowl adjective) mushrooms dotted the lawn in circles. The small pond next to shattered remains of a statue was a stinking (another fowl adjective) unhealthy green. Practically cliché for a faerie haunting.” I’ve broken it up into shorter sentences to try to improve the rhythm, dropped excess verbiage, and rearranged the sentence structure in various ways. All the time you want to consider whose pov you’re seeing details from. Right now you’re omnicient, but even an omnicient pov can benefit by coloring the details so everything is presented with an attitude. You have to decide how closely you want that omnicient pov to zoom into the character’s heads, because in that case this house would be seen through the protagonist’s eyes and you have to insert his opinions about everything. That’s what a noir tone, even a comical one like this one (and like Dirk Gently), does best. Like, in the next bit where you describe the clients, it’s all distant and formal and matter-of-fact when instead it oughta be Carter’s read on these people the entire time, rather than the one point you barely dip into his head with, “JD suspected there might have been an additional half-child to complete the statistical expectations…” Do more of this—do it with everything, all the time. I’m also not sure if omnicient is the best pov choice, because the whole thing would be stronger and more consistent sticking to Carter’s pov. His interaction with the guard, we don’t need to know what the guard thinks but rather Carter assuming what the guard must be thinking. Same for the interactions with his client. His pov in the intro is of course fine, but later we don’t need it. Carter can assume this gated-community white dude is mistrustful and trying to rationalize him as “one of the good ones.” Carter’s opinion on that would be way more interesting. Like this… quote:It is worth noting that while Doug was quite frankly a twit, had grown up in a world where due to his financial position, and regardless of how wrong he could be about something no one near him would contradict his ideas. Now his very reality had been invaded by something horribly alien, and no matter how professional JD behaved he was still (as far as Doug was concerned) another foreign element. This is the kind of thing you can slightly edit to make this Carter’s thought, cause he’d be well aware of where he stands with these kinda people. Another thing, regarding your protag’s blackness—don’t be afraid to lean just a little bit into AAVE. Now I say that with a caveat—don’t go too hard and make drat sure you know exactly how AAVE works before you use something (like the habitual aspect “be”). But do use a fuckton of contractions in his dialogue when he’s not code switching. Don’t be afraid of “gotta, woulda, coulda, haveta, y’all, s’posed, cause, till, aight…” What I mean by code switching is this: “Unless I can get inside and start looking for evidence I don’t know what to call it yet. You want to come with me to watch me work?” This is fine. He’s likely making his speech less ”black” to talk to rich white people here, but you can actually acknowledge that (maybe earlier with the guard), and have him speak way less formally when he’s not talking to clients and whatnot. For example here: “Good. Aight, let’s get to business.” He’s still talking to rich white guy, so that would be a slip. You could either call attention to that, or go the opposite way with, “All right,” he drew out all the letters so they sat just right… or somesuch. Since you’re leaning comical, you could even have him lightly parodying the people he’s talking to by taking on some of their mannerisms to try to put them at ease while laughing inside. Overall the story itself is engaging and the humor adds and extra spark, but you could push further to make the voice really swing, and then you’ll have nailed it.
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Jan 22, 2023 21:53
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Stuporstar posted:I’m guessing what you’re looking for is a crit on narrative voice? One thing I noticed is the grammar itself is a bit too formal to match the more colloquial tone you’re going for. For one, you rarely use contractions—not in the first page of dialogue or in the narration. Using a lot more contractions everywhere will help the narrative flow and help the voice you’re going for. Thanks very much for taking the time to read it. I've been flip-flopping on POV between omniscient and tight third person because the story has a lot of quirky elements to it and I remember reading that omni works better for it. The protag is black because I needed a heroic character and my brother-in-law is both former navy and worked as nurse during COVID so I felt he qualified (my wife was black but she's been gone 8 years now or I'd definitely be getting help from her). The only problem is I'm not black so AAVE is something I'm not great with (wife used to ask me not to try) and will probably need to research more. You're right about the voice, I think that's the weakest part about it. I think if I go omni I'd better make sure the narrator is a separate character. I've been revising a lot lately but it looks like my work's still cut out for me. Honestly it's never even dawned on me that I should have a noir kind of tone at all but JD's is pretty noir-detective in retrospect. Thanks again for taking the time to read.
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Jan 22, 2023 23:52
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Smik posted:Thanks very much for taking the time to read it. I've been flip-flopping on POV between omniscient and tight third person because the story has a lot of quirky elements to it and I remember reading that omni works better for it. The protag is black because I needed a heroic character and my brother-in-law is both former navy and worked as nurse during COVID so I felt he qualified (my wife was black but she's been gone 8 years now or I'd definitely be getting help from her). The only problem is I'm not black so AAVE is something I'm not great with (wife used to ask me not to try) and will probably need to research more. I think not knowing AAVE, it’s probably safest to lean on heavy contractions in speech and dropping some slang here and there without getting into don’t-you-dare territory. What you’ve been told about omnicient being better for quirky is not really true. The thing with making a limited pov quirky is you transfer those quirks to the pov character, and that can strengthen your main character to an impressive degree. If your black protag is the one making all the sly observations and assuming the thoughts in other people’s heads—even possibly being the narrator reconstructing things he didn’t witness—and noticing his own foibles, then you’ve got yourself an A+ protagonist to carry the story. Whereas by splitting the narrator’s personality from the protagonist, you could weaken the protagonist to just another player in the play, and strong black protag seems like the better way to go. It would also be (or so it seems from what I’ve read), and easier edit for you to do, because the sardonic observations you’ve already made could easily be ascribed to Carter—they already feel like the kind he’d make.
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Jan 23, 2023 00:22
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I’ve finally finished what I hope is the last major revision of a novel I’ve been working on for years, and I’d like some impressions from outside my writing group on the opening chapters. This was supposed to be the first book in a huge scifi series (I’ve partially written 5 books in it so far), and I’m concerned it’s going to give the wrong impression/expectations for the rest of the series. For one, it’s a coming-of-age story of my long-term protagonist and I’m worried it reads as too YA when the rest of the series is definitely not. If this is the case, I may shelve it for a while an call it a prequel. Tentative title is Earthling. Duran was genetically engineered to live in space, but the program was deemed illegal and shut down. Now he must navigate a life on Earth he’s ill-suited for. He fucks around and finds out more than he ever wanted to know about himself and the secretive Institute that watches over and controls him. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xiMErKBZXLyzkn4ekWQUCgbbYUfkfhbipaZmdfwwez4/edit
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Jan 23, 2023 00:39
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Stuporstar posted:I think not knowing AAVE, it’s probably safest to lean on heavy contractions in speech and dropping some slang here and there without getting into don’t-you-dare territory. Well by 'quirky' I mean there's a lot of strange things that happens in the story, although a tight third could help ease the reader into it. Speaking of, in the very opening of the 7th major revision if I were to keep a tight third it would need to be taken from the spirit's point of view instead which I initially balked at but could make for an interesting opener. I might give that a shot and start working on revision 8.
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Jan 23, 2023 00:49
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newts posted:Hi thread. Can I get some crits on my blurb? It’s been through a few rounds of crits from my writing group, and a little workshop. I am mostly happy with it (as happy as one can be about your own blurb, I suppose). Anyway, the book is very close to being done, and I’m thinking about all the bells and whistles: cover, blurb, series name, etc. Would really appreciate any thoughts. I feel like you’re using too many “weak” words. “Pretty, boring" and so on. I think you can afford to punch it up a bit here, a blurb is supposed to capture the reader as quickly as possible. Also the concepts, the info you're trying to convey, sometimes feels too smushed together and other times not informative enough. Hmm, I did a bit of a write-over, if that’s ok. BTW You meant “new ghost” as in the bloke just died, not newly arrived at Parker’s door, yes? quote:Run away to a tiny coastal town. Leave the past in the past. A fresh start.
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Jan 24, 2023 07:49
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Stuporstar posted:I’ve finally finished what I hope is the last major revision of a novel I’ve been working on for years, and I’d like some impressions from outside my writing group on the opening chapters. Once the story gets going, Duran's voice is a lot of fun and the setting is interesting enough that I would've happily kept reading past the pages provided, but I think the prologue is doing you a real disservice. A character we don't know yet thinking in abstract terms about events we haven't seen is really hard to get a grip on. I almost stopped reading out of fear the whole story would be that vague, but once you get past it, the prose is grounded and engaging. Without knowing more about where things go, it's hard to comment on false expectations. What are you hoping to do with the series? If you're writing for fun or to self-publish then ignore me, but if you're planning to pursue traditional publication then having the full five book series written before you've even queried the first one is at best going to be a waste of your time - the books are likely going to change in editing to the point the sequels will have to be rewritten - and at worst going to put agents and editors off.
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Jan 24, 2023 11:21
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Sally Forth posted:Once the story gets going, Duran's voice is a lot of fun and the setting is interesting enough that I would've happily kept reading past the pages provided, but I think the prologue is doing you a real disservice. A character we don't know yet thinking in abstract terms about events we haven't seen is really hard to get a grip on. I almost stopped reading out of fear the whole story would be that vague, but once you get past it, the prose is grounded and engaging. I’m definitely self-publishing because I actually got 15 books planned in this series and I don’t want trad pub to mess up my decades-long obsessive plan. Though this novel is grounded on Earth, it goes into full space opera spanning several centuries. It starts out a bit like the Expanse, set in the solar system and mostly taking physics seriously except for extra-dimensional shenanigans. But the later stuff is way more like Adrian Tchaikovsky’s recent series (Children of Time, The Shattered Earth). Duran sticks around, getting less and less human over time while trying to retain this core of humanity inside all the weirdness. The prologue is something I expanded on thinking this would end up a prequel. Really valuable to know it doesn’t work without context—thank you! I’m glad you found Duran’s voice engaging once the actual story starts, especially since this character is gonna be carrying a huge chunk of this series. It’s been a fun balancing act keeping the same jokey slangly tone as the character evolves into something more alien.
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Jan 24, 2023 16:33
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Hi thread, I wrote this enemies to lovers piece as a fun writing exercise in a discord and was hoping to get some crits here as well. Its very much first draft, so be warned. Also sorry it's not a novel, I don't have the stamina to write those. https://docs.google.com/document/d/16YJnQ1WiZd6CFzFf5FEZr81u6xsob-uNTutDws1g8GQ/edit?usp=sharing
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Feb 20, 2023 18:56
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Violet_Sky posted:Hi thread, What are you looking for in terms of critique. Do you want a hype train? An Awesome, Bored, Disbelief, Confused method, or just reactions?
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Feb 21, 2023 16:12
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DropTheAnvil posted:What are you looking for in terms of critique. Do you want a hype train? An Awesome, Bored, Disbelief, Confused method, or just reactions? I just want to see if you can get a good sense of the characters and pacing. Is there anything I should add? Slow down on?
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Feb 21, 2023 17:49
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Violet_Sky posted:I just want to see if you can get a good sense of the characters and pacing. Is there anything I should add? Slow down on? Here are some thoughts after I read your story. Tamara - Is a mail order bride with a heavy dose of sacrasm, and a heavier does of demanding things to a god she barely knows. The way she reacts confused me, and did little to draw me in. She's a bride to a god and while her being demanding is kind of funny, it crossed a line into being obnoxious. While I like that she basically tells him off, it gets really weird when all of a sudden she wants to be more lady like. The sudden turn indicates an issue with the pacing and plot. Eldiron is a god. Cold, Brusque and has a few witty lines. Overall this is... fan fiction. If I was a fan of whatever fandom (I think its an anime? It's an anime isn't it) you were writing about, and knew what characters you were trying to emulate, I'd probably enjoy it more. As a story, I found it tired to do too much in too little space. Your protagonist going from Sarcastic Mail Order Bride to Baking Squee Love Time to Make Me More Lady Like was too quick for me and I wasn't invested. Here's a dumb question. Does a gilded cage exist and can you walk into it? Where I grew up the term "gilded cage" is a colloquialism/metaphor meaning a pleasant looking place that actually restricts the freedom of someone.
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Feb 25, 2023 03:47
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