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FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006


Many thanks. Plenty to think about.

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FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006


I've put up a new draft.

Just the prologue and the section Glastonbury that have changed.

I'm not sure if the change to Martha's bit are an improvement or not. Leng, newts, I'd be interested in if you prefer this or the old version. More of an infodump on witches and Amy's role much earlier on.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/17UBHcVLqzUFU5YThQUobNc2NiBr_nAIYP1Jm2hI-tWw/edit?usp=sharing

Leng
May 13, 2006

One song / Glory
One song before I go / Glory
One song to leave behind


No other road
No other way
No day but today


I like the new Glastonbury section! Reading that before the switch to Martha's POV makes it more seamless for me, though her directly mentioning Amy will mean that you lose a bit of the mystery straight away (I think you could get away with not naming her, and just let Tom/the reader put the clues together).

Prologue has much better context for the characters as well. Chris's nonchalant reaction was a surprise (is Chris just that kind of guy?) but otherwise a big improvement. Still not sure how to take Tom's reaction to Chris's death (were they best friends? flatmates? or does he not like Chris that much and only puts up with him because he couldn't otherwise afford rent?), you maybe need a line of introspection to add to the dialogue.

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006


And here is part 2:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZGGyea8DZQSXxraIkPVo2t34i3Ih7zt7KZwKK5Ef17c/edit?usp=sharing

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