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FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006
So hopefully this link works, I'm not very familiar with google drive

https://docs.google.com/document/d/13o8wMpIWu8DpWcVFnbsS_Q5--opGrF9S1qfV_-3pqrc/edit?usp=sharing

That's the first part of my novel. Comments and criticisms all welcome and don't feel you have to read the whole lot in order to comment.

It's an urban fantasy about a secretive British agency called Unit 13 tasked with protecting the country against paranormal threats. Only because it's a British agency it's woefully underfunded. The main character is meant to have a cosy desk job but gets drafted in to cover the London branch's ghost hunter when she goes on maternity leave. It's meant to be a do nothing job, after all ghosts only haunt tumbledown castles and manor houses, there are never any actual hauntings in a big city like London....

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FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006
That is really helpful, yes, thank you!.

Those are actually the only two epigraphs in the novel. The first one was deliberately meant to cheesy but it seems it missed the mark if it's gone into full cringe. It's probably easiest for me to just remove them both.

I do have the other two parts written up. If you have any interest in reading them let me know and I'll share the links here. Otherwise, thanks again for the comments.

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006
Makes sense, thanks.

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006
I've now done the second draft of my urban fantasy (I never claimed to be a quick writer).

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qW1xAsmZMEbcMjgDPHoXihg2XsUnWkt98Ls_3GaciTw/edit?usp=sharing

All comments and suggestions are welcome, especially from Leng and ultrachrist. Hopefully I've taken your feedback onboard.

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006
Thanks again so much for your feedback.

Some of it I disagree on but that's maybe because what I'm intending isn't coming across. Would you be able to suggest how to make it clearer?

Leng posted:

- "Dave's" line is weird; mainly because I can't figure out what kind of monster he is (demon?) and it seems weird that a shape shifting thing would choose to blow its cover at the first instance rather than try to lure them both in to make a kill. Or is it because it knows that Unit 13 are in the area?
The transformation was meant to be beyond his control, which was why he'd told Chris he was "going away". I maybe need to make that clearer? Or just drop it?

quote:

- I was a bit disappointed that Chris got eaten before Unit 13 burst in. I get the shock horror value though I feel like what's missing is a build of tension, because the emotional tone goes from "Tom's annoyed his druggie friend makes a pitstop in a sketchy suburb to buy drugs from his dealer" to "holy crap Chris just got vivisected by an eldritch horror". The most interesting section is the opening bit, because both Chris and Tom are being active, though I'm also missing what their original destination was supposed to be, or why Tom is there with Chris. Probably a tweak to one of Tom's lines would fix this.
- As soon as "Dave" explodes though, Tom stops being active and is relegated to being an observer, until the very end, so his motivations for joining Unit 13 are very unclear (in the earlier version, it was funny because he literally didn't know what else to do and so went with his friend's idea). I kind of wanted to see them get drawn in, with Chris being super focused on getting a job while Tom's noticing all the supernatural weirdness, secretly freaking out and making excuses for it, and desperately trying to get Chris to leave. Unit 13's arrival could either be the thing that triggers the beast to reveal itself, or Chris provokes it in front of Unit 13, or Tom stumbles on something that forces the beast to reveal its true form by complete accident.
Cool, agreed.

quote:

The latter might be cool, because it kind of gives us the answer of why Unit 13 would hire him (I'm basing this on the assumption that they don't typically hire witnesses)
They're desperate to hire because shady organisations can't just advertise on TotalJobs, even if Tom is woefully unqualified! Again, it looks like this hasn't come across. Help.

quote:

[*]The random switch to Martha's POV in the middle of Tom's narrative - I assume you're laying groundwork for the rest of your novel
[*]The Amy scene also sticks out as something that I'm not sure on what the purpose is. I assume it's foreshadowing or something, but it doesn't interest me because again Tom is there as an observer
Yeah I'm having trouble getting these two scenes to fit in properly, but Martha and Amy are both important characters later on (Martha's probably got almost as much screen time as Tom does).

I've put up a synopsis which hopefully shows why the scenes are important even if they need to be reworked.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-t6kHCTo7TCjxI82wI7qtFNotZSJ5bLv03OiAXTMNMk/edit?usp=sharing

quote:

[*]Beginning of Chapter 2 with the second brief could use some trimming down as well. I think it's because Taylor opens with the fact it's a reported ghost sighting and they have a back and forth about how ghosts aren't real, then Tom goes and asks again about the job, so it feels like they're rehashing the same details twice. The set up of the £50 joke is nice, but I think you could do it more efficiently without having to describe Tom Googling the app, etc. I'm not totally convinced you need to see Taylor briefing Tom. The few pieces of information you need (she's a penny pinching manager, he's now got the app, another ghost sighting has been reported, this time he's on his own) could be worked into Tom's introspection as he's arriving at Pewter St, potentially with more emotional impact. If you started off with the most interesting part from the Taylor briefing (Tom's thought that "it didn’t seem real that he was off to fight supernatural entities"), you'd have a reason for the detailed description of his surroundings, because he's juxtaposing where he actually is and where he thinks he should be.
I'll have a think about this one and how it can be reworked.

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006

Leng posted:


On Martha, I thought she was a fortune teller because of the tea leaves. Had no idea she was a witch and the coven stuff, because there's nothing so far that's prepared me for witches, and absent any specific hints, the concept of witches I'm bringing in is the usual pointy black hat, cauldron, weird ingredients, all of which were absent from her cottage.
This was meant to be drip fed to the reader but the main thing I'm taking away from your last post is that it needs to be dripped a lot faster. Amy being the bad guy was meant to be a big reveal but it sounds like it needs hinting at earlier.

quote:

You might also want to consider changing up how you're interleaving the Tom and Martha POVs. Because the Martha POV came in after so many Tom POVs without Tom and Martha interacting, I made the assumption that I'm was reading a single protagonist novel, so then got irritated about having to read about a little old lady taking a bus to London when I wanted to see Tom check out his first solo ghost report.
I think I could use specific suggestions on this. My only thought is to do all of Tom's bit then all of Martha's bit. I tried that first and it ended up a bit disjointed since in the third act they're interacting. Any ideas? Or if Martha is more obviously supernatural might that be enough to keep it flowing?

quote:

How does Amy becoming involved with a guy and getting pregnant result in her losing her credentials? Wouldn't that be a pre-requisite step to ascending to mother? Who grants the credentials in the first place?
Right. So Amy lost her virginity a long time back (no longer a maiden) but didn't have a child until recently (not yet a mother). Part of the theme of the book is these old traditions no longer working well with modern living. (At the very end it turns out magic has got with the times a bit Tom is the new maiden, and sets him up for being the first male witch).

quote:

- unclear how Amy the necromancer is linked (or not linked) to Zanthir (the Big Bad)
- there's mention of a prophecy that Martha follows, but does it relate to Zanthir, or to how the coven establishes and maintains itself? Was the prophecy in the tea leaves?
- is the future maiden a random person Tom hooks up with or is it Megan (his gf/wife/partner as hinted in his POV)?
Yes, the prophecy is the tea leaves. Or rather, reading tea leaves is Martha's way of divining it.
The maiden (or the person you think is the maiden) is a random person. (Megan's actually his cat. The reveal is a joke to show how little he has going on in his life)




quote:

Ah! I thought they were official and government sanctioned but the kind of organization where you'd need high levels of security clearance to know about (because they're called "Unit 13" and the previous version had a fancy lobby and the office set up seems very governmental). Did not get shady vibes at all, in fact I thought they might have been like a S.H.I.E.L.D. like organization or something.
They're official but also underfunded and bureaucratic. Like every other government organisation. Maybe this bit needs some work.

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006
Many thanks. Plenty to think about.

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006
I've put up a new draft.

Just the prologue and the section Glastonbury that have changed.

I'm not sure if the change to Martha's bit are an improvement or not. Leng, newts, I'd be interested in if you prefer this or the old version. More of an infodump on witches and Amy's role much earlier on.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/17UBHcVLqzUFU5YThQUobNc2NiBr_nAIYP1Jm2hI-tWw/edit?usp=sharing

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006
And here is part 2:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZGGyea8DZQSXxraIkPVo2t34i3Ih7zt7KZwKK5Ef17c/edit?usp=sharing

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006

Mycroft Holmes posted:

I'm writing kind of a silly fan-fiction and I'd like some feedback on my work. Others have been saying it's too rushed and I don't understand that criticism.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xf4lRk7N4y_ME8Uljt9Uln4W8niDSisMpLIz5X-xYSs/edit?usp=sharing

The premise is interesting, but to me you skipped over what should be the best bit.

quote:

Half an hour later, he had convened the cabinet and summoned General Grant.

I'd want to see Lincoln's reaction to finding himself transported to another world.

quote:

The route they were following led through a forest of old growth trees. It was wild and untamed, and made him think of Indians coming for his scalp

I'd tread carefully here, avoid implying a parallel between native Americans and orcs/demons.

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006

Mycroft Holmes posted:

Also, how do I differ between narration and dramatization?

I don't want to speak for Leng, but I think they mean things like this.

quote:

What followed was a confused melee, as a hail of gunfire from the cavalrys’ Spencers was followed by the hacking of sabers and the thump of revolvers. When all was said and done, the path was carpeted with the dead.

That could be a dramatic scene where you see which characters are heroic and which are terrified and so on. But the way you've written it means you just go straight to the outcome.

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006
Leng would you be kind enough to drop me a line? harrisonthewriter@gmail.com
Thanks.

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006
MJP, I've only read the first 10 pages or so, but will read more later.

I think you need to get your mobsters into the first scene. If I didn't know from your post, I wouldn't know it was a crime caper. I'm assuming the first interview where they're asking about accessing computers if they're not in front of you is the mobster's recruiter? Maybe you could move that scene right to the start and have the internal monologue make it clear that he ends up being hired for something shady?

I got lost in some of the sentences. I do like your style, but some of them I think you need to make the point first and then let the protag wax lyrical, to make it easier to follow.

A lot of the humour about the recruiters rings true, it got some genuine chuckles from me.

FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006
I'm really happy to announce that I've just had my first book published.

It's a tongue in cheek, cozy murder mystery.

I'd not have gotten even close to publishing without the support of the goons in this thread so thank you - you know who you are! When I paid 10 bux to join something awful 17 years ago (gently caress I'm old) I never thought it would lead to me writing a book.

Anyway if a light hearted whodunnit is something you're into please take a look
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CJRGFM3D

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FightingMongoose
Oct 19, 2006

Eric the Mauve posted:

Purchased. I cheerfully admit I might not read it for a year because my backlog is longer than (your favorite puerile joke here) but I'll try to remember to comment when I finally do.

Thanks! Frankly if you've bought it I don't care if you read it or not ;)

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