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animaldog
Oct 18, 2013


Tell me what you think of this opening scene.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Ccs posted:

I'm looking for feedback on the opening section of my novel. A lot of people have looked at it and I got a few sparse notes but I had one recent viewer that had an issue with almost every line. I was so thrown by the reaction that I'm now second guessing my ability to string a sentence together or construct a scene at all. Wondering if people here will have similar reactions.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Feel free to comment on the doc or quote sections here, though as I just learned trying to copy from Google Docs into a forum post leads to very strange formatting issues.
I'll also take a look at the next few things posted in this thread that people are looking for feedback on, as long as they're not too many pages.

A great opening. It has me interested in what comes next. Its so short though that I feel I don't have anything to add to what's already been said. I've struggled to find the perfect size snippet before - too short and all critiques are identical, too long and few will read it.

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animaldog
Oct 18, 2013


I know that I tend to create a muddled mess when I go for style I'm just too tangled up in it to see where I went wrong. Could you give an example of where you were lost and break it down? I've gone over it so many times I cant read it for what it is. I need someone else's eyes.

animaldog
Oct 18, 2013


Thanks for the comments in the doc. I'll use them to rewrite and will post another version soon. I may cut the journal entries entirely, they are supposed to be milestones in the prince's transformation from "We're on a fun adventure to escape the ungrateful peasants" to "Oh, God. Literally everything is my fault". I'll try to bring these ideas up more naturally.

As for caring about the characters: The prince is based on the "let them eat cake" version of Marie Antoinette. Guard is the only reasonable character but he has no morals. A pure self-interest machine. The narrator isn't quite omniscient and they despise the prince, in a way they are Guard's internal monologue. Is the way I introduce them bad, or are they just not interesting? The way their personalities interact are fundamental to the story so if there's something wrong there I'm not sure if I can fix it.

animaldog fucked around with this message at 04:14 on Oct 17, 2020

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