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Ehud
Sep 19, 2003

football.

This is a thread to discuss pooping and share your best strategies, concerns, etc.

first order of business is to talk about keeping your butthole and the surrounding area clean after pooping. here are some options:

toilet paper
used to wipe the poop away. the problem is that it's dry, so you're really just smearing poop around. and if you have a hairy butt it's an even bigger problem. another problem is toilet paper shortages. a few months ago people were selling this stuff off the back of pickup trucks for double and triple the price!

baby wipes
kind of like toilet paper but they're moistened so it helps clean your butthole better. if you're worried that baby wipes make you less of a man you can buy baby wipes that are repackaged in containers that say stuff like "ASSWIPES FOR MEN" with camo packaging. I'm pretty sure these can mess up your plumbing though, so I'm not sure what you're supposed to do with the used wipes. can anyone weigh in on this?

bidet
squirts water right into your butthole to help moisten things up. most people don't have a standalone bidet. but you can buy a bidet that attaches to your toilet for like 30 bucks. These are more popular outside of the US, presumably because men here are worried they will enjoy the butthole stimulation too much? I don't know, I'm open to theories.

shower
Some people only poop right before they take a shower. This is probably the best way to get completely clean after pooping, but it seems unrealistic to me. what happens if you're forced to poop away from your home base and there isn't a shower?

???
post any other tips and tricks you've learned here??

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Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

by Azathoth
I eat a very special diet that means I never have to poop.

Ehud
Sep 19, 2003

football.

whenever somebody hands me their phone to scroll through some pics or something, I always think about how they use the phone while they're pooping and now I'm getting poop on my hands also

kecske
Feb 28, 2011

it's round, like always

eat a good high fiber diet op and your dumps will be like smooth damp cigars that your turd cutter can cleanly clip, requiring very little wiping. You can even just buy fiber powder and put a scoop in your morning coffee, if putting an end to your decadent american double fisting burger habit is too hard to kick

RepeatingMeme
Dec 27, 2012


this place is not a place of honor

no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here

nothing valued is here

what is here was dangerous and repulsive to us

this place is best shunned and left uninhabited


You forgot to list the poopin stool OP, a must-have in any serious poopers water closet

Talkc
Aug 2, 2010

Mizuki! Mizuki! Mizuki!
***DEVASTATINGLY HANDSOME***
The worst nightmare poops are when you have to do a liquid diet before some surgeries from what i understand.

Like full on just liquid poo poo blasting doo doo water into your toilet. I can't imagine thats great what with the anxiety of being like .... hey im gonna be cut up, sure love this poopin.

Anxiety water poops.

I imagine a good poop is like..... 30 minutes in the bathroom with your cellphone and you forget you even poop but you still feel like it was a good poop. A good confident poop.

You want confidence in your pooping. I guess by that logic publicly dumping in the water fountains at the mall must be the king of poops. Ultimate confidnce, ultimate poop.

RepeatingMeme
Dec 27, 2012


this place is not a place of honor

no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here

nothing valued is here

what is here was dangerous and repulsive to us

this place is best shunned and left uninhabited


The best poops are the ones that slide out easy. You go to wipe and its completely clean. Confused you look down and the poop isnt even in the bowl. Where did it go? Did it clean itself up on the way out and swim down the toilet for you? Thank you magic poop

Spinz
Jan 7, 2020

I ordered luscious new gemstones from India and made new earrings for my SA mart thread

Remember my earrings and art are much better than my posting

New stuff starts towards end of page 3 of the thread

RepeatingMeme posted:

The best poops are the ones that slide out easy. You go to wipe and its completely clean. Confused you look down and the poop isnt even in the bowl. Where did it go? Did it clean itself up on the way out and swim down the toilet for you? Thank you magic poop

Scientific term for this is angel kiss

I have learned so much from my time here

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019

I have been having very gassy poops with minimal solids for a couple days, but just now I had a massive one that seemed like it got out all the accumulated solids that should have come out in previous poos, does that sound normal and/or good?

Ape Fist
Feb 23, 2007

Nowadays, you can do anything that you want; anal, oral, fisting, but you need to be wearing gloves, condoms, protection.
Can we talk about the local pissing championships itt or do we need a separate thread for that.

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

I’ve got a bit of a stomach bug or something this morning. I just pooped and let me tell you, it was not pleasant.

Les Os
Mar 29, 2010
sometimes the toilet poops in me

Zeluth
May 12, 2001

by Fluffdaddy
Spreading in the shower for a specific stream is nice in more ways than one.

Evil Bob
May 2, 2004

've lived a thousand times. I found out what it means to be GBS.
I generally poop a large log twice a day with very little wiping required. It's very satisfying and I am proud of my regularity.

Weka
May 5, 2019

That child totally had it coming. Nobody should be able to be out at dusk except cars.

Ehud posted:


baby wipes
kind of like toilet paper but they're moistened so it helps clean your butthole better. if you're worried that baby wipes make you less of a man you can buy baby wipes that are repackaged in containers that say stuff like "ASSWIPES FOR MEN" with camo packaging. I'm pretty sure these can mess up your plumbing though, so I'm not sure what you're supposed to do with the used wipes. can anyone weigh in on this?

You're not supposed to insert the baby wipes, friend.

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
Lube up your rear end before every poo and you'll poo like a champ! This post was brought to you by astroglide

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019

Again I have a couple days worth of gas poops, and then a huge load of big fat coils, and no one can give me answers anywhere I look. Am I eating too many oreos? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME

BigBadSteve
Apr 29, 2009

There are two types of wipes, the plasticy ones that won't tear, don't break down in the sewer, and will probably eventually result in you having to call a plumber. Then there's the wet papery ones, which are safe to flush.

If you can't tear it, don't flush it.

BigBadSteve
Apr 29, 2009

Jasus Christ posted:

Again I have a couple days worth of gas poops, and then a huge load of big fat coils, and no one can give me answers anywhere I look. Am I eating too many oreos? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME

Enjoy the variety.

Chrs
Sep 21, 2015

teen phone cutie
Jun 18, 2012

last year i rewrote something awful from scratch because i hate myself

BigBadSteve posted:

There are two types of wipes, the plasticy ones that won't tear, don't break down in the sewer, and will probably eventually result in you having to call a plumber. Then there's the wet papery ones, which are safe to flush.

If you can't tear it, don't flush it.

wtf plasticy wipes? now i’m trying to figure out which kind mine fall under

Shadow0
Jun 16, 2008


If to live in this style is to be eccentric, it must be confessed that there is something good in eccentricity.

Grimey Drawer

RepeatingMeme posted:

The best poops are the ones that slide out easy. You go to wipe and its completely clean. Confused you look down and the poop isnt even in the bowl. Where did it go? Did it clean itself up on the way out and swim down the toilet for you? Thank you magic poop

The very first SA frontpage article I remember ever reading was about this.

Ehud posted:

toilet paper

baby wipes


???
post any other tips and tricks you've learned here??

Pro-tip: You can dip the toilet paper lightly in the toilet bowl to convert the dry paper into a toilet-friendly wet wipe.

You can even wash your hands in the same bowl and save water and time.

Shadow0
Jun 16, 2008


If to live in this style is to be eccentric, it must be confessed that there is something good in eccentricity.

Grimey Drawer
Here in Korea, the toilets can't always handle both poop and toilet paper, so there's always a sign in the stalls telling you to flush the paper or throw it into the small trashcan provided next to the toilet.

teen phone cutie
Jun 18, 2012

last year i rewrote something awful from scratch because i hate myself

Shadow0 posted:

Here in Korea, the toilets can't always handle both poop and toilet paper, so there's always a sign in the stalls telling you to flush the paper or throw it into the small trashcan provided next to the toilet.

had a exchange student roommate in college who still did this even after i insisted our american plumbing could handle it.

loving gross

Son of Rodney
Feb 22, 2006

ohmygodohmygodohmygod

Yeah having a no-wiper is cool, but have you ever had a no-flusher? You look down and there's no turd in the bowl?

I'm telling you, godlike

Chrs
Sep 21, 2015

Because of tight resources my friend in the army mastered the art of wiping your rear end with only one piece of toilet paper. First you tear off a little corner and save it aside, then he said you basically put your finger through the middle of the sheet, get all the poo poo off onto your finger and then grasp the sheet tightly and pull the sheet up taking all the poo poo with it. Then you get the little tiny piece and use that to clean under your finger nail. Then wash your hands.

Wouldn’t recommend trying it unless desperate to be honest.

Ehud
Sep 19, 2003

football.

One quick tip:

I ate an apple last night at 9pm, then had an incredibly satisfying bowel movement at 7:30am.

very quick - I couldn't even finish a single news article. incredibly minimal wiping as well.

nearly an hour later, I still feel a sense of satisfaction.

vyst
Aug 25, 2009



I prefer to keep an arm sized dildo in my butt to just push the poop back where it came from

EorayMel
May 30, 2015

WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Français.
I woke up about a two hours ago with really bad stomach pains and gas, ran to the toilet and sat on it for about 10 minutes pushing futilely, nothing happened. Went back to bed to lie down, pains flared up even more.

Then I decided to get out of a bed, do a series of ten quick yet vigorous squats, felt a lot more pains and cramps, then suddenly felt like I broke a tripwire.

I ran onto the toilet and blew out so much fecal matter it actually piled up beyond the water, exposed and glistening in the open air. And it was all sucked down like a fuckin' ham.

I am still recoiling both from the physical and emotional trauma it has wrought on me. True story.

teen phone cutie
Jun 18, 2012

last year i rewrote something awful from scratch because i hate myself

kecske posted:

You can even just buy fiber powder and put a scoop in your morning coffee

woah wanna try this does it make your coffee taste rear end?

Ehud
Sep 19, 2003

football.

Fiber powder + coffee worries me

I feel like that would create a bowel emergency

vyst
Aug 25, 2009



Ehud posted:

Fiber powder + coffee worries me

I feel like that would create a bowel emergency

I eat a Quest bar (20+g fiber) and a large cup of coffee every morning. My bowels run as efficiently as a Toyota car factory

bus hustler
Mar 14, 2019

Ehud posted:

whenever somebody hands me their phone to scroll through some pics or something, I always think about how they use the phone while they're pooping and now I'm getting poop on my hands also

OP I also use it to film myself fisting my own rear end and when jerking off hope this makes you feel less weird

Me again.
Oct 19, 2017
My cat and I enjoyed a simultaneous poo this morning, with me hunched an the toilet and she crouching in her box at my feet.

A+ bonding experience.

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RepeatingMeme
Dec 27, 2012


this place is not a place of honor

no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here

nothing valued is here

what is here was dangerous and repulsive to us

this place is best shunned and left uninhabited


Shadow0 posted:

Pro-tip: You can dip the toilet paper lightly in the toilet bowl to convert the dry paper into a toilet-friendly wet wipe.

You can even wash your hands in the same bowl and save water and time.

Ewww i cant wash my hands in it, i drink from there for gods sake!

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