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Cheryl, when is my meeting with the partners from Taiwan? I want to know if I have time for some day drinking. What? It's a lunch? Alright, I'll just do a bump of coke and I'll drink at the restaurant.
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Oct 16, 2020 15:52
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I don't even know what we do, just keep the debt and equity coming maaaaan. IRR. YES.
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Oct 16, 2020 16:15
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I've never spoken an employee at this company outside of secretaries and the C-suite, and I have no idea what we do. My entire job revolves around writing inspirational screeds on LinkedIn about how I "made it" and how treating workers well benefits your bottom-line, then hitting on attractive women who comment on them. I am one of the Top 25 most highly paid CEOs in America and I have the emotional depth of a lima bean.
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Oct 16, 2020 16:15
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Look, I'm gonna be busy today. I'm picking up my third Bentley at 11, and then I need to go and work out the details of the interior of my new 450 ft megayacht.
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Oct 16, 2020 16:20
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Fire 25% of my employees and make sure they are all the least performing ones That should improve morale of the rest of the 75%
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Oct 16, 2020 16:23
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Hello, I bought 1 share of Amazon
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Oct 16, 2020 16:30
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Hello everyone, I have some new policies. 1. I'm to be referred to as, Chief Big Bucks. 2. We are selling all assets in order to retool our manufacturers to produce anal beads. 3. ALL internal costs including payroll will now be paid in anal beads equivalent in monetary value.
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Oct 16, 2020 16:45
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Okay, tough times here but I need to lay off 10% of the workforce to free up some capital. Perfect, now I can use that money to buy more stock in my own company, since the news of the layoffs will drive investor confidence since we're cutting costs. Also, make sure we DO NOT give out any raises this year, I need that money. It sustains me. I am a living monster clothed in a business suit.
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Oct 16, 2020 16:51
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*jerks off under desk for the third time today; cleans up with $100 bills*
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Oct 16, 2020 17:00
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This is the 19th company that I have been made CEO of, after the last 18 were all bankrupted and dissolved (don't worry I got severance bonuses each time). I can't wait to destroy everyone's livelihoods when I inevitably bankrupt this company on my way to my next gig!
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Oct 16, 2020 17:03
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It's just a hot dog cart, but I'm 6' 10"
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Oct 16, 2020 17:13
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Lol I should be in prison!
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Oct 16, 2020 17:15
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I should lose some weight!
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Oct 16, 2020 17:16
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i have literally no idea what is involved in running a large business because the venn diagram of "goons" and "possesses the social skillset to get a job involving directing people" is two circles on opposite poles of the earth
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Oct 16, 2020 17:17
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Man I really need to blow off some steam, I would call my usual guy but he hung himself in a cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center in NYC.
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Oct 16, 2020 17:18
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:i have literally no idea what is involved in running a large business because the venn diagram of "goons" and "possesses the social skillset to get a job involving directing people" is two circles on opposite poles of the earth Well the first thing you need to do is shed all sense of morality or humanity. You're posting on a dead comedy webforum so you're already halfway there on the humanity front.
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Oct 16, 2020 17:34
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:i have literally no idea what is involved in running a large business because the venn diagram of "goons" and "possesses the social skillset to get a job involving directing people" is two circles on opposite poles of the earth idk, mark zuckerberg manages to run facebook and he seems pretty goony. but maybe he doesn't count because he's an alien lizard-robot
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Oct 16, 2020 17:35
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Excuse me I micromanage a procedure without learning anything about why it's been done in the way it's been done for years. Whatever I think I know trumps the experience of the idiots who have been doing it for all of this time and I'm certain they'll be grateful for me changing things up.
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Oct 16, 2020 17:40
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Who What Now posted:This is the 19th company that I have been made CEO of, after the last 18 were all bankrupted and dissolved (don't worry I got severance bonuses each time). I can't wait to destroy everyone's livelihoods when I inevitably bankrupt this company on my way to my next gig! That has unironically happened in my last job. I don't know how people come to the conclusion that someone already bankrupted one of the biggest companies in its field is a perfect choice for running a company that is ten times bigger, it some serious :pysduck: thing.
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Oct 16, 2020 17:46
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*overpays hundreds of millions of dollars for bullshit private health insurance plans because it indentures people to my company* *invests billions in contract labor companies, fires all of his employees so they have to work for me through the contract company instead, saves a shitload of money in wages* *has union organizers executed openly* *fartz* Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:i have literally no idea what is involved in running a large business because the venn diagram of "goons" and "possesses the social skillset to get a job involving directing people" is two circles on opposite poles of the earth otoh, elon musk haha
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Oct 16, 2020 17:58
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Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:i have literally no idea what is involved in running a large business because the venn diagram of "goons" and "possesses the social skillset to get a job involving directing people" is two circles on opposite poles of the earth Well, you already seem to think you are better than everyone else around you for no discernible reason and your first thought was to speak with derision about them, so you definitely have upper management written all over you, boy-o
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Oct 16, 2020 18:08
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People think I give enormous sums of money to politicians for laxer labor laws and lower taxes but I don't. I just want them to notice me and talk about how much I mean to them instead of these loving "small" business owners 
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Oct 16, 2020 18:30
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Yes we are based in the caymans, why do you ask?
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Oct 16, 2020 18:35
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To pay of the acquisition loan we took out to buy this company, we'll be laying off half the staff and increasing margins on all products while nickel-and-diming all employee benefits. *6 months pass* Well this company is no longer profitable, so it will be Chapter 7-ing this whole company, and none of us are on the hook for the unpaid acquisition loan. The unemployment office is that way.
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Oct 16, 2020 18:37
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look dude all this stuff we're doing... we're not EVIL, it's just to make MONEY! we're not villains, we just want to do villainous things because it will make us rich. it's not like i kick dogs. i have four beautiful golden retrievers. and when i'm done lovingly brushing their coats I go to work poisoning hundreds of thousands of indigenous people in the amazon with coal tailings
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Oct 16, 2020 18:49
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We have a FIDUCIARY responsibility to the SHAREHOLDERS. Now lets cut costs as much as we
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Oct 16, 2020 20:18
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Galewolf posted:That has unironically happened in my last job. I don't know how people come to the conclusion that someone already bankrupted one of the biggest companies in its field is a perfect choice for running a company that is ten times bigger, it some serious :pysduck: thing. The goal isn't to run the company well, it's to maximize value to investors. You can make a lot of money for very specific people while running a company face first into the earth's core. For example, Bain Capital bought out Toys R Us--which was turning a profit at the time--using a loan secured using the acquired company's assets as collateral, then hired themselves as consultants to pay themselves outrageos fees while gutting operations to pay back the loan.
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Oct 16, 2020 20:44
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Blue Footed Booby posted:The goal isn't to run the company well, it's to maximize value to investors. You can make a lot of money for very specific people while running a company face first into the earth's core. Yeah, clearly he was efficient in keeping the shareholders happy which explains how he managed to get away and rode into sunset, and by sunset I mean another company to run into the ground I guess.
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Oct 16, 2020 21:08
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Hmm, my company owns all of its office and retail properties outright. That's good, I guess but what if... we sold them all off and then rented them back from the people that we sold them to instead? Sure, the company would be landed with a huge new monthly expense but think of how much cash we could distribute to the shareholders! Yes, big companies actually do this.
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Oct 16, 2020 21:30
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Galewolf posted:Yeah, clearly he was efficient in keeping the shareholders happy which explains how he managed to get away and rode into sunset, and by sunset I mean another company to run into the ground I guess. It is insanely funny that the wealthy are the only peopel that know and practice the immense power of class solidarity lmao
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Oct 16, 2020 22:32
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Me, yelling at my live in maid because I can't find my sandals so I can have a beachside walk with my VP where we discuss the best way to destroy documents pertaining to the Congalese strip mine one of our shell companies owns the debt for: "Lucita! I said KEEP THEM NEAR THE DOOR! NEAR THE loving DOOR!" Unaware that my elevated heart rate is shaving weeks off my life, bringing my inevitable heart attack that much closer, I lean into my rage with the backhanded racism my father taught me between coke lunches he dragged me to when he ran the company: "SO hard to find good help. I should loving deport her..." Eventually Laura (I always forget she's not Mexican) finds my sandals, and my VP and I talk for 3.5 minutes in coded vagaries about "getting a handle" on things, and how to "downsize documentation." We both agree that someone else will take the fall for this, and he will hire that person ASAP. We will bill this meeting to the company as a Senior Management Retreat, which will pay for my daughter's second thoroughbred's stable fees.
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Oct 16, 2020 22:46
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"How loathsome. Those peasants are constructing an abstract art installation on my lawn." *molotov cocktail crashes through window and sets fire to my priceless ancient Persian rugs* "Why does it have a sharp blade as a moving part? Do they even have a permit for that?"
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Oct 16, 2020 23:06
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Hello employees. Today we're going to kick off our corporate charity drive. Everyone do your part to pitch in and beat last year's record fundraising! Don't forget, I'll match your contributions to this worthy cause dollar for dollar! Now let us begin our month long browbeating trying to convince you all to pitch in when you're barely breaking even and then I'll throw in what amounts to a rounding error on my yearly profits, claim it as a tax deduction, and appear in every newspaper in the nation as some sort of philanthropist!
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Oct 16, 2020 23:55
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Sir the workers are at their breaking point. Let them eat pizza.
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Oct 17, 2020 00:55
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There's a pandemic on - let them work from home but can you make sure there are convoluted conditions that make sure they can't actually work from home.
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Oct 17, 2020 00:59
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im going to higher a new ceo and give him the incentive to rob me blind and leave my company in ruins and escape with a golden parachute im providing him in this contract. i trust he wont gently caress me over. my name is mr sears
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Oct 17, 2020 01:05
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Hi guys just hopping on LinkedIN where I have 30k followers to post about the global Marxist plot to destroy the west, how COVID is a sham, and how the jury is still out on Climate Change. Nobody will dare engage or challenge me on this because I pay 100,000 salaries! Have a great day!
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Oct 17, 2020 01:18
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I lean back in my chair and put my feet up on the table. Then I smile at the two congressmen sitting across from me. "You know that law about how I can't pay people in company scrip that they can only spend in stores I own? I think that law really stifles the economy. It also stifles your personal ability to have more boats."
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Oct 17, 2020 01:24
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I’ve got some money in index funds, so you could say I own them all.  Actually it’s more like having chips on every square at the roulette table except double zero.
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Oct 17, 2020 01:29
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I own a business. I am 420 lbs. I am a large business owner.
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Oct 17, 2020 01:30
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