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LittleFuryThings
Jan 11, 2012


Give me something to trigger the conservative boomer

It can be lengthy too, not just one-liners

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phasmid
Jan 16, 2015

Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY


Q How many cops to screw in a light bulb?

A Four. One to change the bulb and three to beat the room for being dark.

CPL593H
Oct 28, 2009

I know what you did last summer, and frankly I am displeased.

A murder, a spousal abuser, and a klansman walk into a bar. The bartender turns around and says "What can I get you, officer?".

mom and dad fight a lot
Sep 21, 2006

twenty-six characters long


Where do you take a one-legged woman out for dinner?

IHOP

mng
Nov 18, 2006

I just performed testicle surgery on the reporter!

You have to? Sounds like a lovely place to work.

ELI PORTER
Sep 16, 2007

I posted on Something Awful and all I got was this lousy t-shirt


The National Debt. How About these Clowns in Washington? I tell ya what, these jokers have no clue!

Pigsfeet on Rye
Oct 22, 2008

I'm meat on the hoof



Knock, Knock
Who's There?
I'm the daughter of the great French writer, Honore de Balzac
Who?
Ligma Balzac

Pot Smoke Phoenix
Aug 15, 2007

Smoke 'em if you got 'em!



Dinosaur Gum

A very rich old man is on his deathbed and is going to die soon, so he calls in his three sons. He gives them each a duck and tells them that the one who gets the most for his duck will be given everything the old man owns. The first son goes out, and when he comes back he says, "Father! Father! I got $10 for my duck!"

His father says, "That is very good let's see how your other brothers do."

About a day later the second brother comes home and he says, "Father! Father! I got $15 for my duck."

The old man replies, "So far you have done the best, but let's wait and see what your little brother does."

While the last brother was looking for someone to buy his duck, he happened to pass by a bar. When he got into the bar he saw the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen before, so he told her, "I'll give you this duck for a gently caress."

She replied, "Ok."

When the boy got home to his father, his father was so furious that he yelled, "You get your rear end back in that bar and get that duck back!"

So the boy returned to the bar and found the same girl and told her his tale. He then said, "I'll give you a gently caress for that duck." She agreed and while they were loving the duck flew out the window and got hit by a truck.

The truck driver was so sorry about what had happened that he offered to pay for the duck. The boy then replied, "$20 would do nicely."

"No problem," said the driver. When the boy got home he was beaming with pride. He shouted, "I won! I won! I got a gently caress for a duck a duck for a gently caress and twenty bucks for a hosed up duck."

The Management
Jan 2, 2010

sup, bitch?


Setup by discussing how the company is doing financially. Then compare it to how benefits and bonuses and salaries are growing. But in a funny way.

sure okay
Apr 7, 2006





College Slice

A family man stands on his front lawn, waiting for his paper. He admires the hard work he put into his lawn, the great job his son did mowing it, and the white rose bushes his wife planted.

The paperboy rounds the corner and throws his paper, but the throw is short, landing just beyond the curb. The man shouts at the paperboy to do better, but the boy bikes away too quickly to hear.

The next day, same thing. The paper is thrown wide of his lawn and lands on the neighbor's lawn. The man shouts again, but this time sees the earbuds in the paperboys ears. He can't hear the man shouting at him.

On the third day, the family man is ready. He hides behind his wife's rose bushes in wait. As the paperboy approaches, the man leaps out onto the curb, surprising the boy.

The boy skids to a halt, but a moment too late. His front tire grazes the man, and for that the man shoots the boy in his chest, and afterwards calls the police. Because the boy is black, and because of stand your ground laws, the family man is not punished.

The next day he waits for the new paperboy to do better. There is no joke here.

mudskipp
Jan 1, 2018

stop making sense


sure okay posted:


The next day he waits for the new paperboy to do better. There is no joke here.

How about
Breaking news;paper boy meets not so rosy ending. Cycle of violence continues.

food court bailiff
Oct 2, 2007

fast n furious foodstuff



Soiled Meat

phasmid posted:

Q How many cops to screw in a light bulb?

A Four. One to change the bulb and three to beat the room for being dark.

Q how many good cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

A we'll let you know as soon as a good cop changes anything

phasmid
Jan 16, 2015

Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY


food court bailiff posted:

Q how many good cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

A we'll let you know as soon as a good cop changes anything

hahaha

dee eight
Dec 18, 2002

The Spirit
of Maynard




the best version of that joke is different and you told it badly anyways

GolfHole
Feb 26, 2004



LittleFuryThings posted:

Give me something to trigger the conservative boomer

It can be lengthy too, not just one-liners

tell the pollack joke from raising arizona (in the same way)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaZnbS0BynM

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THERE IS ONLY- WAIT SHIT IS THAT A SKELETON?



*lift leg*

*rip 14 second long fart while making direct eye contact with coworker*

1redflag
Feb 15, 2012

I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!


Make sure to follow it up with a “ok boomer” to show how hip you are

Pot Smoke Phoenix
Aug 15, 2007

Smoke 'em if you got 'em!



Dinosaur Gum

dee eight posted:

the best version of that joke is different and you told it badly anyways

This is pretty funny.

Thank you for the laugh.

EorayMel
May 29, 2015

You got the fluffy kitty kitty!


A farmer has 3 daughters going on separate dates on the same night. However, the farmer is concerned for them, so he waits at the door with his shotgun, judging each man as he arrives.

The first man comes up to the door, knocks and introduces himself to the farmer:

"Hi, my name is Eddy. I'm here for Betty. We are going to get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The farmer thinks the first man is good, and lets his first daughter go out on the date.

Then the farmer waits for the second man to come to the door, and the second man says:

"Yo, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Can we go?"

The farmer things the second man is also good, and lets his second daughter go out on the date.

But then the third man arrives at the door, and says to the farmer:

"Hello, my name is Chuck."

And then the farmer shot the third man.

Zybourne Clock
Oct 25, 2011

Poke me.

Q. How do we know Jesus was black?
A. They nailed him to the cross instead of sentencing him to community service.

N. Senada
May 17, 2011


mudskipp posted:

How about
Breaking news;paper boy meets not so rosy ending. Cycle of violence continues.

Lol

The Zombie Guy
Oct 25, 2008


What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

dee eight
Dec 18, 2002

The Spirit
of Maynard



So FDR walks into a bar...

LabyaMynora
Jun 18, 2000

I am a ghost





One day, Ivanka wanted to go to a party, so she went to her father, Donald Trump, and said, “Daddy, can I please go to the party?” Donald Trump thinks for a moment and says, “Okay... I’ll let you go to the party, but first you have to suck my dick!”

Ivanka says, “Fine!” and gets on her knees. Donald Trump whips out his toadstool dick and Ivanka starts sucking, but after a few seconds she recoils and says, “Daddy! Your dick tastes like poo poo!”

Donald Trump laughs and says, “That’s because your brother, Don Jr., wanted to go to the same party!”

DarkSoulsTantrum
Apr 6, 2011

this kills the crab

Sure, they're visually impressive, but a lot of posters find large avatars physically uncomfortable. Furthermore, the owners of large avatars often rely on their size alone and don't bother to develop more refined posting techniques.


Grimey Drawer

How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who knows? They’re still crying about the power being off.

paid money to post
Nov 5, 2017


AND THEY CALLED IT... THE ARISTOCRATS!

LizzieBorden
Dec 6, 2009

She's hackin' and wackin' and smackin'
She's hackin' and wackin' and smackin'
She's hackin' and wackin' and smackin'
She just hacks, wacks, chopping that meat



What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD

"What needs to be fired 12 times before you guys understand" I'm trying to mix the twin humours of people losing their job and people losing their lives but I just can't get the wording right.

DarkSoulsTantrum
Apr 6, 2011

this kills the crab

Sure, they're visually impressive, but a lot of posters find large avatars physically uncomfortable. Furthermore, the owners of large avatars often rely on their size alone and don't bother to develop more refined posting techniques.


Grimey Drawer

“Who’s a dumb piece of poo poo who won’t put on a loving mask?”

*point both thumbs at them*

Nefarious 2.0
Apr 22, 2008

Offense is overrated anyway.



LizzieBorden posted:

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

look 6 posts up. also you hosed it up

Chernobyl Princess
Jul 31, 2009


How are the police like a box of chocolates?

They'll kill your dog

remigious
May 13, 2009

Destruction comes inevitably




Hell Gem

Why did the dead baby cross the road?
because it was stapled to the chicken!
That joke got me a job

Senator Sprinkles
Aug 16, 2008



Did you hear about the old man who got arrested at the craft store for dipping his testicles in glitter?

Yeah it was pretty nuts.

ikanreed
Sep 25, 2009

Rise and shine, master leprechaun.





Before we start I have to explain why the ethnicities mentioned in this joke are actually inferior and I'm not just pretending for the sake of the joke...

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD

If you think I'm bombing now just wait 'till 5...4...3...2...

Jeffrey Dahmer
May 21, 2017

by Pragmatica


Muldoon

You: Knock Knock
Them: Who's there?

Then just walk away, go to your car and sit in it all day until you see them in the car park/on the street, drive toward them at full speed and just be for you hit them lean out the window...

You: ME!!

Chef Boyardeez Nuts
Sep 9, 2011

You're not getting another fucking dime from us, Lowtax

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the first whale turns to the other and says

*make whale sounds until its funny*
*continue to make whale sounds until its not funny anymore*
*continue to make whale sounds until it becomes funny again*

The second whale turns to the first whale and says, "Dude, you are so high right now."

LabyaMynora
Jun 18, 2000

I am a ghost





Donald Trump is walking into the woods with a 7-year-old child. The child turns to Trump and says, “I’m scared.” Donald Trump replies to the child, “You think you’re scared? I have to walk back alone!”

Chef Boyardeez Nuts
Sep 9, 2011

You're not getting another fucking dime from us, Lowtax

I'm a big fan of shaggy dog jokes that are told for enjoyment of the speaker.

"So I was traveling for work to New Bedford last year, and I stopped in to this wharfside bar for a drink and while I'm enjoying my drink, I notice what looks to be a straight-up pirate. He's got a hook hand, an eyepatch, a peg leg, the whole nine yards. I figure, I gotta talk to this guy, so I strike up a conversation and buy him a drink. We're talking and my curiosity gets the better of me and I say 'I gotta ask, what happened to your leg?"

'Yar, he says, 'tis a sad story...
*tell the most involved pirate ship battle story you can where just as he's about take the enemy ship, they fire one last cannon* ...and that cannonball took me leg off at the knee, so now I have this peg-leg.'

'Wow, that's an amazing story,' I think. So we keep drinking and we keep talking, and I'm still so curious so I ask him. 'What happened to your hand?'

'Yar tis an even sadder story. Five years to the day of losing me leg, I finally found the scurvy dog who took me leg, and...
*tell the most involved story of a boarding action that you can, the sights, the sounds the smell of blood and gunpowder, culminating in an epic swordfight on the smoldering wrecks of the two ships. Just as he's about to take his revenge he saw the man's rapier flash and took his hand off at the wrist...'so now I have this hook."

Again, it's a loving amazing story. So keep drinking and I finally have to ask. What happened to your eye?

'Yar,' he says, 'tis the saddest story of all. Twas a year after I floated back to Tortuga and I'd fought me way into a new ship, a new crew and a burning desire for revenge. We set sail in the morning, and as I gazed out at the boundless sea I knew that revenge would finally be mine and then, a bird...it shat right in me eye.'

'wa..what?' I asked. 'A bird poo poo in your eye? I don't get it.'

'Argh,' he says sadly, 'twas me first week with the hook.'

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Chef Boyardeez Nuts
Sep 9, 2011

You're not getting another fucking dime from us, Lowtax

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar.

"What is this?" asks the bartender, "some kind of joke?"

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