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Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



Found this inconspicuous home décor magazine, "The Country Sampler" in the checkout line.



A little early for a Christmas issue, but Halloween turns out to be its true holiday home! Case in point, this terrifying, mummified Santa carcass:



The aesthetic is something between "murder shed" and "haunted bed & breakfast," and every page held holiday horrors for all.

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Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS


Nap Ghost

I'm the red length of barbed wire behind the Santa Sarcophagus

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



All the snowmen are dirty in this magazine, and most are really sad. Here is a snowman memorial to the Irish Potato Famine:

LizzieBorden
Dec 6, 2009

She's hackin' and wackin' and smackin'
She's hackin' and wackin' and smackin'
She's hackin' and wackin' and smackin'
She just hacks, wacks, chopping that meat



This is a quaint Halloween cross stitch pattern. Yes those are swastikas.

Spinz
Jan 7, 2020



Khristi

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



Or these jolly happy souls...



Watching. Judging.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS


Nap Ghost

It’s 2020 and the Great Depression is back in style.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS


Nap Ghost

“Christmas in the Dust Bowl.”

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



You can always swing by the abandoned dairy shed to help yourself to some BLACKSTRAP MOLASSES.



The single filthy sock makes it festive.


Also available in the shed is a sack of EARLY PEASE:

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



A snowman made from the snow you find next to the road:

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



My dream bathroom:



Ancient bricks, splintery old floor, and an exciting assortment of underthings raided from the Colonial Williamsburg staff hamper.

I especially love that someone owns (and made) an artificial dead Christmas tree here.

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



If you have something in your house that isn't old and creepy looking--like, say, a modern vacuum cleaner--the magazine has some advertisers ready to help you out:



You have a choice of several tall grandma shaped vacuum covers, including my personal favorite, the Grannie without a Face.


I feel like the target audience probably doesn't vacuum a lot, though. They would use an old whisk broom they found under a chicken coop.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS


Nap Ghost


“The carrots were hung by the chimney with care...”

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS


Nap Ghost

I feel like a lot of these decoration ideas would only work if you lived in a shed.

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



Plenty of forlorn, skinny Santas Claus:





A bonus sad dirty snowman and decorative old sock making their appearances.

These rooms make me itch.

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



A great decorating tip for readers who want to breathe new life into their Great-Great-Aunt Edna's old pantaloons.



Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



This hutch looks like it was hauled from a pond full of ghosts:



A perfect place to keep stewed prunes and other dainties for the grandchildren, but that wreath is kind of inconveniently placed.

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



One of my personal favorite images, this painting in a contributing homeowner's master bedroom:



A touching celebration of dirty trousers.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007

NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!







BUTTERY what?!?!? I NEED to know!!!

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



A rusty wheelbarrow of yuletide cheer:



And, I assume, lice/spiders/centipedes from the feathers, gourds, and pinecones stuck to the tree.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS


Nap Ghost

I Shot The Serif posted:

BUTTERY what?!?!? I NEED to know!!!

Buttery males

Jeffrey Dahmer
May 21, 2017

by Pragmatica


Muldoon

A buttery is a like a winery, but for butter.

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



Make your antique silver tea service really pop by hot-gluing a fake tree to it:

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



A pot on the ground is a good place to store your many grubby old rolling pins.



This way, you can be ready to made a lot of dust-infused pie crusts at a moment's notice.

The burlap snow friend will keep watch over them.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS


Nap Ghost


I, too, associate Christmas with the feeling of mounting irritation with the people in my house, interspersed with bouts of acute paranoia.

The book expects you to use a real cooking crane and long johns but then completely destroys the illusion by recommending artificial fireplace logs.

Pigsfeet on Rye
Oct 22, 2008

I'm meat on the hoof



I am inspired to vomit in horror. gently caress people named Khristi

From the website:

Pigsfeet on Rye fucked around with this message at 01:42 on Oct 26, 2020

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THERE IS ONLY- WAIT SHIT IS THAT A SKELETON?



Knorrren posted:

One of my personal favorite images, this painting in a contributing homeowner's master bedroom:



A touching celebration of dirty trousers.

I'm the faceless doll demanding belief

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



A couple more upsetting snow people:



The snow child was forgotten by Father Christmas this year.

Pigsfeet on Rye
Oct 22, 2008

I'm meat on the hoof



Knorrren posted:

A couple more upsetting snow people:



The snow child was forgotten by Father Christmas this year.



"Look at 'im, 'e's got the rickets"

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



EARLY BROOMS, anyone?



(like, realistically, are these creepy basket things where this person hides their batteries and Doritos and old gift cards and stuff? Or do you think they just go all-in and eat dried apples by candlelight?)

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



Some holly jolly artwork!



Perfect for a child's room! Keep them on their best behavior while you look for a new governess.

Knorrren
Sep 8, 2014



What will Skinny Santa bring YOU this year?



I'm hoping for:
- A corroded old pair of shears
- Salt pork
- Twine
- Loose corn balls
- A ghost
- Pins
- A rusty can labelled "TURNIP"
- A china doll with no eyes or hair

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006

IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THERE IS ONLY- WAIT SHIT IS THAT A SKELETON?



Knorrren posted:

Some holly jolly artwork!



Perfect for a child's room! Keep them on their best behavior while you look for a new governess.
That snowman painting was once a painting of a handsome man. But as time went on the painting withered while the man did not.

hakimashou
Jul 15, 2002

FREE HONG KONG


Upset Trowel

Wynter Blessings

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS


Nap Ghost

Knorrren posted:

EARLY BROOMS, anyone?



(like, realistically, are these creepy basket things where this person hides their batteries and Doritos and old gift cards and stuff? Or do you think they just go all-in and eat dried apples by candlelight?)

What are "early brooms" and why is there also a smaller box of them?

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS


Nap Ghost


Tim Burton rear end looking mfer

Milo and POTUS
Sep 3, 2017

I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?


I Shot The Serif posted:

BUTTERY what?!?!? I NEED to know!!!

its a plaec that specializes in butter cf a bakery or meatery

kazr
Jan 28, 2005


Applewhite posted:

What are "early brooms" and why is there also a smaller box of them?

The naughty children find out. Wait and see... wait and see

Jeffrey Dahmer
May 21, 2017

by Pragmatica


Muldoon

Applewhite posted:

What are "early brooms" and why is there also a smaller box of them?

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Jeffrey Dahmer
May 21, 2017

by Pragmatica


Muldoon

A Country Sampler?

More like a Poo-Poo Platter.

edit: Surprised Urban Dictionary doesn't have an entry for Country Sampler

Jeffrey Dahmer fucked around with this message at 08:01 on Oct 26, 2020

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