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EasilyConfused
Nov 21, 2009


one strong toad

KozmoNaut posted:

If you're in a web browser on a PC, just use ctrl+b or ctrl+i

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Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




It's not worth posting, but that "CIA Operative" who was giving away his clip art hummer? He is giving away his big out trailer now as well!

Look at how loving TACTICAL this is!

I present to you Jason Hanson's BUG OUT TRAILER!!!



(No joke I'd love one of those, but not for surviving the apocalypse.)

pantslesswithwolves
Oct 27, 2008

Ba-dam ba-DUMMMMMM


Has there ever been a post in TFR that makes that dude so goofy? I have a friend who has done a lot of overseas contracting with State and he shared with me a bunch of material that his PSD team circulated among themselves, and some of Hanson’s stuff was in there. All I really remember was a dude in an ill-fitting suit trying really hard to sell me on the virtues of a ~tactical pen~ and I decided to watch some Magpul videos instead. Was Hanson a faker or something?

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




I think of him as some sort of Gun Grandpa Santa Claus, who only exists through the click throughs of men over sixty-five.

Just Joe
Dec 31, 2008


Confession Time: I took my CCW class with this guy about 10 years ago, at the Best Western in Fairfax, VA. It was classroom only and they did fingerprints and all the paperwork, so it was ok for what it was. There was a hard sell for tactical pens, though.

When he says CIA officer, I'm pretty sure he means he was a uniformed security officer at Langley or whatever.

Also, a few years later, he was on Shark Tank, trying to get capital to recreate his own Front Sight/Gunsite type place. They basically told him, why bother, keep doing what you're doing renting hotel conference rooms.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




Just Joe posted:

Confession Time: I took my CCW class with this guy about 10 years ago, at the Best Western in Fairfax, VA. It was classroom only and they did fingerprints and all the paperwork, so it was ok for what it was. There was a hard sell for tactical pens, though.

When he says CIA officer, I'm pretty sure he means he was a uniformed security officer at Langley or whatever.

Also, a few years later, he was on Shark Tank, trying to get capital to recreate his own Front Sight/Gunsite type place. They basically told him, why bother, keep doing what you're doing renting hotel conference rooms.

THE Jason Hanson?

I couldn't find him on google. After looking for a solid fifteen seconds.

The day I hear about a murder getting stopped by a tactical pen I'll do a full tap dance.

Shooting Blanks
Jun 6, 2007

Real bullets mess up how cool this thing looks.

-Blade





I don't get many actual spam e-mails about gun stuff, but I used to get a shitload of invites to various clay shooting events. The challenge was, a lot of them were 8-10 hours away (or farther in a couple cases). Apparently all of those folks share their email lists with everyone within 1000 miles because I have very little interest in driving to Oklahoma from Houston to shoot clays.

pantslesswithwolves
Oct 27, 2008

Ba-dam ba-DUMMMMMM


Captain Log posted:

The day I hear about a murder getting stopped by a tactical pen I'll do a full tap dance.

The type of man to carry a tactical pen and employ it against an attacker is obviously so skilled that the police would chalk it up to yet another mysterious suicide upon finding the remains of the would-be murderer.

Cyrano4747
Sep 25, 2006



Shooting Blanks posted:

I don't get many actual spam e-mails about gun stuff, but I used to get a shitload of invites to various clay shooting events. The challenge was, a lot of them were 8-10 hours away (or farther in a couple cases). Apparently all of those folks share their email lists with everyone within 1000 miles because I have very little interest in driving to Oklahoma from Houston to shoot clays.

Welcome to being on mailing lists with retirees. I had one dude very confused I wasn’t willing to drive 10 hours to avoid shipping him a rifle.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




I just read possibly the most hardcore, airtight, legally binding contract I’ve ever seen at the end of an email -

By reading this, you agree to all of the following: You understand this to be an expression of opinions and not professional advice. You are solely responsible for the use of any content and hold [DUMBASS SPAM COMPANY] LLC and all members and affiliates harmless in any event or claim.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




Ok, this email advertising a book cracked me up.

----------------------------------

GET INVASION STOPPERS BOOK FOR FREE

"Extinction is the rule. Survival is the exception".

PROTECT YOUR FAMILY FROM INVADERS

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE...

INSIDE ELITE TACTICAL YOU WILL LEARN HOW TO:

- Barricade your home to prevent intruders from being able to enter
- Scare off would be looters
- Create traps and take preventative measures
- Create non-lethal weapons to ward off thieves
- Establish networks of quick response
- Give peace to your family members no matter what the situation is

------------------------------------

If someone breaks into my home, I'm not calling 911 and grabbing my shotgun. I'm going to light a candle that starts my Rube-Goldberg machine that will eventually kick over a glass of water onto a cymbal to scare the intruder. That should startle them into the human sized fly trap I've created with tree sap, making them vulnerable to a blistering key flail attack.

EasilyConfused
Nov 21, 2009


one strong toad

Captain Log posted:

I'm going to light a candle that starts my Rube-Goldberg machine that will eventually kick over a glass of water onto a cymbal to scare the intruder. That should startle them into the human sized fly trap I've created with tree sap, making them vulnerable to a blistering key flail attack.

How did you find my elementary school notebook???

infrared35
Jan 12, 2005

border patrol qt


Plaster Town Cop

quote:

If someone breaks into my home, I'm not calling 911 and grabbing my shotgun. I'm going to light a candle that starts my Rube-Goldberg machine that will eventually kick over a glass of water onto a cymbal to scare the intruder. That should startle them into the human sized fly trap I've created with tree sap, making them vulnerable to a blistering key flail attack.

Once again, I feel doxxed.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




I've always wanted a way to break down my food "on the cellular level" so my body doesn't have to work at it.

Only absorb. Science. Food. Math. God bless blender.

---------------------------------------

Reader did you know you might be absorbing less than 20% of the nutrients from the foods you’re eating?

That’s why I’m sending you this free blender...

It has 6 multi-angled blades, allowing it to break your food down on a cellular level...

Which RELEASES all the nutrition locked inside the cell walls of your food...

So instead of working hard to break down your food...

All your body has to do is absorb the nutrients.

Most blenders only have 4 blades, and they have to be plugged into an electrical outlet...

The free blender I’m sending you is portable...

So you can make a smoothie or protein shake anywhere you go!

More importantly, it helps you absorb more nutrients and improve your digestion...

Because your body doesn’t have to work to break down your food...all it has to do is absorb!

So why am I sending you this free blender?

Tactical USA is adding it to their product line, and we want to see how you like it before they release it to their mainstream market...

There are no strings attached here...

You don’t have to sign up for any trials or memberships...

It’s our hope you’ll love this free gift so much you’ll go out and tell your friends about it...

But there’s no commitment on your part.

They're only giving away 500 free portable blenders, so don’t wait!

Click the link below to see all the details on the next page:

⇨Review & Claim Your Free Portable Blender

Stay healthy and God Bless,
Jordon Perkins

Cyrano4747
Sep 25, 2006



Lolling at the idea of a blender that manages to render cells into their constituent parts. That’s fan-death levels of assuming blades are better than they are.

EasilyConfused
Nov 21, 2009


one strong toad

Captain Log posted:

Tactical USA is adding it to their product line

It better be loving camouflaged then.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




EasilyConfused posted:

It better be loving camouflaged then.

I need a MOLLE pouch for it. I've gotta get good molecular food separation in the sandbox. Can't waste energy on my gut working too hard when I'm dropping tangos in the LZ.

(Good God your AV is always disturbing)

infrared35
Jan 12, 2005

border patrol qt


Plaster Town Cop

A portable blender?

Edit: AND it has 50% more blades than a normal blender?

infrared35 fucked around with this message at 22:36 on Dec 17, 2020

Shooting Blanks
Jun 6, 2007

Real bullets mess up how cool this thing looks.

-Blade





Cyrano4747 posted:

Lolling at the idea of a blender that manages to render cells into their constituent parts. That’s fan-death levels of assuming blades are better than they are.

I'm more curious about not having to plug it in. Is it battery powered? Do you decouple the driveshaft from your car? Hand cranked?

fatman1683
Jan 8, 2004
.

Shooting Blanks posted:

I'm more curious about not having to plug it in. Is it battery powered? Do you decouple the driveshaft from your car? Hand cranked?

I want BlendTec to develop a hitch-mounted PTO-powered hydraulic blender for remote industrial smoothie operations.

Cyrano4747
Sep 25, 2006



fatman1683 posted:

I want BlendTec to develop a hitch-mounted PTO-powered hydraulic blender for remote industrial smoothie operations.

madeintaipei
Jul 13, 2012



Cyrano4747 posted:

Lolling at the idea of a blender that manages to render cells into their constituent parts. That’s fan-death levels of assuming blades are better than they are.

You never know when you're going to need homogenized mouse pieces. If, for example, The Entity breaches containment of the hot labs. Maybe you need to pull some Andromeda Strain bullshit before being absorbed into The Gestalt and you don't have an old wino or a very young baby. Well, friend, allow me to introduce you to the Bullet Blender Storm Pro Homogenizer! 24 samples liquidized in just a few minutes! Air-cooled and touch screen operated, future proofed and easy to use!

ZarathustraFollower
Mar 14, 2009





Lipstick Apathy

madeintaipei posted:

You never know when you're going to need homogenized mouse pieces. If, for example, The Entity breaches containment of the hot labs. Maybe you need to pull some Andromeda Strain bullshit before being absorbed into The Gestalt and you don't have an old wino or a very young baby. Well, friend, allow me to introduce you to the Bullet Blender Storm Pro Homogenizer! 24 samples liquidized in just a few minutes! Air-cooled and touch screen operated, future proofed and easy to use!

Back in my day we just used a ceramic plunger attached to a power drill for blending mice and rats.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS ABOUT REBEL NIGHT SHADES, PATRIOT?!?!?

Did you know the US Military has sunglass techniques? "Undercover" techniques? No, Undercover Technique isn't that offensive rap your nephew has on when he takes you to the grocery store.

----------------------------------------

Hi Reader,

I want to thank personally you for reading my daily emails, and to show you my appreciation; I'd like to give you an AWESOME gift...

I've recently touched base with a top former U.S. Military Officer that designed many of the military’s top gear and devices…

And it reminded me of the specialized tools that the U.S. military uses for vision, especially at night…

That most average Americans like you and I would sadly never get to experience

Until now…

We’ve combined our years of expertise in the health and fitness industry with some of the U.S. military’s undercover techniques to create unique night vision glasses to help you lose drive easier at night…

And today we’re giving away FREE supplies of these Rebel Night Shades night vision glasses….

These military-inspired glasses have been PROVEN to help:

- Block rays as small as 400 nanometers
- Reduce halo effects
- Provide superior glare protection
- Protect eyes from penetrating light beams – directly AND peripherally
- Utilize current prescription glasses with easy slip over technology
- Keep you comfortable about keeping you and others safe
- Reduce anxiety of driving at night
- Promote calm, stress-free driving
- Provide sense of freedom to be able to drive at night

These new night driving glasses are really in a class of their own...

The bad news is that each pair of glasses needs to prepared to exact light enhancement specifications so that you can get the most benefits out of it, so we'll be giving away a very small amount of free night vision glasses…

==> Claim Your FREE Rebel Night Shades RIGHT HERE (Do This Today)

Let me know how this night driving glasses work for you!

------------------------------------

To think, I was using glasses that only blocked rays as small as 450 nanometers. I was making myself vulnerable to the Chinese and ANTIFA, who are known for their Soros funded nanometer attacks.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




Have you heard about "certain alcohols?" Or "viral products" that protect against viruses?

PLEASE GIVE ME A PATRIOT SPRAY!!!

------------------------------

Hey,

We know you are aware of how viruses spread...

The FDA issued a warning that over 15 people have been hospitalized because of hand sanitizers that contain certain alcohols...

You and your family deserve a better way to protect yourselves!

We have been working on a solution. The Patriotic Strong team has come up with an amazing all-natural sanitizer we are bringing to the market. We coupled that with an amazing viral product that helps deliver the sanitizer. Introducing...

Our BRAND NEW Patriotic Strong MicroMist Sprayers with the incredible Patriotic Strong All-Natural Sanitizing solution! We are launching this with an incredible 74% off introduction.

=> Click here to grab your micro mist sprayer w/ all-natural sanitizer

If you enjoy using this mist sprayer and the all-natural sanitizer, and even more important, it helps keep you and your family protected...then we are sure you’ll want to buy more of the amazing all-natural sanitizer from us!

… and you’ll tell all your friends about this handy and incredibly useful product and they’ll buy from us too... We will all be collectively helping others by using a SAFE and all-natural way to sanitize their world!

Sound fair?

=> Click here to grab your mist sprayer and all-natural sanitizer

Are you ready to stay protected?

If so, then claim your Patriotic Strong MicroMist Sprayer before we run out!

Thanks,

Patriotic Strong
P.S. After you grab one, look out for our referral program - you can easily win one for free. Click here to grab your mist sprayer and all-natural sanitizer

Midjack
Dec 24, 2007





I was hoping for a product to help me remove these pesky patriot infestations from around the home. There’s gotta be a better way.

Somebody Awful
Nov 27, 2011

BORN TO DIE
HAIG IS A FUCK
Kill Em All 1917
I am trench man
410,757,864,530 SHELLS FIRED




Finally some Gunbroker spam that isn't from Lou at lonesurvivalist dot com. Fucker just loves running fake sweepstakes to advertise his gimmicky survival tool.

Some other fucker posted:

Will You Proudly Display This Flag?

Paid Advertisement from Adprecise Inc. d/b/a My Tactical Promos

ON HOLD: YOUR 2ND AMENDMENT FLAG.

America needs patriots just like you to proudly fly this

Grab Your 2nd Amendment Flag!

Unfortunately due to demand, we can only hold your flag for a few hours. Then we must release it to the next in line.



CLAIM YOUR FLAG NOW

Don’t let this amazing flag pass you by!

We covered the fee of the flag however we will need a small help with paying for shipping and handling fees which are as low as $6.95.

Thank you!

Mytacticalpromos

Click here for support

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




You know what fixes a shattered leg?

A leg shattered in FOURTEEN places?!?!

A blanket.

------------------------

The Bone In Her Leg Shattered - But This Saved Her Life

When Karen was on a trip as a Scout Leader she never expected that bones inside of her left leg would shatter into 14 pieces.

Nor could have predicted that after her bones splintered… and mixed around in blood and muscle…

That her broken leg would send her into shock and cause her body temperature to plummet dangerously low.

But that's what happened one fateful autumn afternoon in August off the coast of Maine.

Fortunately one of the other scout leaders was smart enough to have an Emergency Sleeping Bag with him.

As Karen's life hung in the balance, and as her core body temperature fell dangerously low, he got her inside this small and lightweight bag.

Within minutes the Emergency Sleeping Bag helped bring her temperature back up.

That's because these miracle survival tools trap 90% of your body heat and reflect it back on to you.

By the time the paramedics made it Karen was doing much better. Her leg still hurt, but her life was no longer in danger.

the Emergency Sleeping Bag is the most underrated survival tool of all time.

And today you can get one Free.

Here's why.

First off, it's summer, and while we sell these at a steady clip in the winter… in July sales slow down.

So, we need to get them off the shelves.

Secondly, we're about to redo the logo on our Emergency Sleeping Bag.

And to clear out the product inventory of the non-logo version we're going to give away Free ones to whoever wants one.

Hurry and claim yours NOW.

We only have a few hundred left. And as this email is going to 87,551 other customers they're sure to fly off the shelf!

Free here (while supplies last).

Survival Gear

P.S. The Emergency Sleeping Bag is tiny. And many people own a few for their car, home, go bag and more. Yes you can get 1 for Free on this page, but you can also get a ton of them for an extreme discount on this page as well.

infrared35
Jan 12, 2005

border patrol qt


Plaster Town Cop

Fuckkn Karen

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




I've got a variation of this one before, so I apologize if it's repetitive. I'll just post the start of it.

The irony in this one is thick. "ARE YOU TIRED OF PEOPLE GETTING HAND OUTS?!...............WELL HERE IS A HAND OUT!!!..............FOR YOU!!!..........."

Try reading this one aloud to yourself, but don't skip the constant ellipses.
----------------------------------

Lazy people sit around complaining and the government gives them free handouts...
All while YOU have to sweat and sacrifice for every penny.

Nothing makes me angrier…

That’s why I'm going to even the playing field...

By sending YOU this [FREE] $103 Military-Grade Hydration Backpack…

It’s basically a military-grade Camelbak with extra pockets for storing necessities.

---------------------------------

Military grade must mean it gives you a +3 to jump kicks.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




Today has been gold -

Do you have a cheaply made crappy stun gun to give your Precious Princess? Because every daughter is an Important Object that needs protection monitored by their Loving Father.

Train your Little Angel to try and get within arm's reach of any Strange Man who appears and begins Grabbing.
---------------------------

It was the phone call no parent wants to receive.

My buddy’s 18-year-old daughter was out with her friends for a much-needed catch-up.

They were hanging out, having a great time when things suddenly changed.

A strange man approached them and soon, the situation became scary and dangerous for the girls.

As the stranger became more aggressive and was trying to grab the girls, my buddy’s daughter realized that no-one else was going to help them.

She had to take action NOW.

Luckily, as a parent, he insisted she carries protection for such a situation.

On this particular day, she had her Pocket Stun Gun in her small handbag.

She pulled this sucker out, which is small enough to conceal in her hand and hit the offender with 10 million volts.

He dropped like a sack of potatoes and couldn’t move.

The girls ran away.

That’s when he received the call from a lucky but hysterical girl.

Her story could’ve ended differently if she didn’t have protection.

After my buddy told me of his daughter’s terrifying experience, I decided to help other families have the same protection.

So now I am giving away 500 Pocket Stun Guns.

Claim yours here while stocks last.

Girls, and boys, should be able to go out with friends and feel safe.

These Pocket Stun Guns are the perfect size to remain discreet but pack a mighty punch to stop anyone without using deadly force.

If you are a parent or want the confidence of knowing your loved one is always safe, grab you Pocket Stun Gun today on me.

I only have 500 to give away so don’t delay.

From your friend

Dan Conley

American Tactical Sports

KozmoNaut
Apr 23, 2008

Happiness is a warm
Turbo Plasma Rifle


1 million volts is ~1m of arcing distance in air. That would look pretty impressive, I have to say.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




KozmoNaut posted:

1 million volts is ~1m of arcing distance in air. That would look pretty impressive, I have to say.

I'm not clicking on that link, but I'd bet my hat the thing is a $15 Gas Station Taser. Sold right next to the case of M-Tech knives. Except those work.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




My cup runneth over since Christmas.

GET A BLINDING (60 lumen) LIGHT!!! IT'S SO BRIGHT IT'S sixty lumens TO BLIND ATTACKERS!!! ALSO, LASERS ALMOST ILLEGALLY STRONG?!?! YEAH WHY NOT?!?!

I also don't think the phrase "hobo on a ham sandwich" has been spoken or typed in at least seventy years.

------------------------

If you like lasers so bright you can see them from space...

And a weapons light bright enough to blind an attacker wearing sunglasses...

Then you'll wanna be on this hot deal like a hobo on a ham sandwich.

This thing has a blinding 60-Lumen tac light and THE BRIGHTEST LASER ALLOWED BY LAW!

This thing's a tactical gear head's dream... at $100 OFF!

Get Yours While Supplies Last

Thanks for subscribing,

GunWinner Team

tarlibone
Aug 1, 2014

Am I a... bad person?
AM I??





Fun Shoe

Well, crap. I didn't see this thread. I recently blocked some spam coming from some PATRIOT NAME SOUNDING COMPANY with a suspiciously American wordmark, randomly extreme subject matter (sometimes far right, sometimes far left), and oh yeah, they're all calling me by Mrs. T's name instead of my own.

I had to block them after my eyes rolled up so far that the hospital, too full of COVID patients to deal with me, told Mrs. T to whack me on the back of the head sharply to dislodge them.

Shooting Blanks
Jun 6, 2007

Real bullets mess up how cool this thing looks.

-Blade





That flashlight one is hilarious, 60 lumens is loving nothing. That's going to be roughly as strong as one of those solar powered walkway lights, and maybe not even that strong. Even the most effective reflector would make that difficult to use for anything more than maybe finding your keys in the dark.

I get that all of these are junk, but at least most of them make very nebulous or unverifiable claims about their effectiveness. That one just advertises it blatantly.

ThinkFear
Sep 14, 2007



It's absolutely amazing how far lights have come in the last few years. Like ~10 years ago I dropped a nice tac light down 14ft between two wall cavities in a crawl space while doing construction. Recently we were working in the same area again and I was able to fish it out. Fucker still worked, but I had an initial moment of "it must be broken, it's so dim", but no, that's just 80 lumens for ya.

Scratch Monkey
Oct 25, 2010

Proč bychom se netěšili když nám Pán Bůh zdraví dá?


Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"





Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




I know I've posted an email in here about MILITARY TECH SUNGLASSES and their ability to protect your eyes from "400 nanometer waves" and other bullshit.

Well, I got an updated version of that email today. I'm going to edit it down to some of the laughable new points.

-------------------------------------------

We’ve combined our years of expertise in the health and fitness industry with some of the U.S. military’s undercover techniques to create unique night vision glasses to help you lose drive easier at night…

(Undercover Techniques is now the name of my one man hip hop group. Also, what is "lose drive?" Does it make my vision more aerodynamic? Can I fight ANTIFA with it? Also...this guy...likes doing...this...)

- Utilize current prescription glasses with easy slip over technology

(How many man hours went into perfecting "Easy Slip Over" technology? That sounds like something a Sexy Beast would do. "Hey, baby. You hold tight and I'mma do the Easy Slip Over.")

The bad news is that each pair of glasses needs to prepared to exact light enhancement specifications so that you can get the most benefits out of it, so we'll be giving away a very small amount of free night vision glasses…

(Say that sentence out loud three times while looking in the mirror and Masaad Ayoob will appear and give you a weird hat with a neck flap.)

So all you have to do is enter your address details in the link below and cover a Tiny shipping and handling fee and we’ll get your name on the list right away... but you gotta hurry!

(Tiny.)

-----------------------------------------------

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