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Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




MY SISTER DID THE SUPER SECRET TWO (2) MINUTE HACK TO PEE OUT SIXTY-TWO (62) POUNDS BEFORE BED!!!

Oh God what is that video link...?

------------------------------

Today's Featured Health Article:
>> 3 Ways to Drink Baking Soda for Better Health

Do THIS 1 hour before bed to pee out stubborn fat in the morning:

Recent studies are now showing how a simple tweak to your bedtime ritual can have dramatic effects in shrinking fat tissue while reversing the signs of premature biological aging every time you fall asleep.

In fact, Lisa used this 2 minute hack to finally rid herself of 62 lbs of baby weight, which not only resulted in a reversal of Type 2 Diabetes, but also forced her to buy a whole new wardrobe! And her brother John used this same daily ritual to drop 54 lbs of stubborn abdominal fat that had been making him miserable for years, all while sleeping much deeper too...

>> Here's how (no plastic surgery needed)

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EasilyConfused
Nov 21, 2009


one strong toad

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




Sometimes you gotta pee out sixty-two pounds of baby weight (Type Two Diabetes) before bed.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




Our favorite Ex-CIA agent has a new give away!

The text isn't as funny as you'd hope. Other than the thought of using this specific gun (called a "She" ) to defend your home like some sort of superhero drawn by a twelve year old in Oklahoma.

-------------------------------------------------------------------



]Look at this gorgeous custom gun you could win right here.

She’s perfect for home defense and close quarters battle.

This is an AR pistol and fires .223.

If you’re not familiar with AR pistols…

It’s like an AR-15 rifle, but it’s classified as a pistol since it doesn’t have a stock. (It has a brace.)

And, here are the reasons an AR Pistol is such a good home defense gun…

--The magazines holds 30 rounds (if you live in a free state) so you should have no problem dealing with multiple intruders.

--Since it has a short barrel, it’s perfect for close quarters situations, such as in your house. (You don’t have to worry about knocking into walls and it’s easier to maneuver in tight spaces with a 7.5-inch barrel.)

--Easy to use and shoot. Handguns take a lot more skill than an AR Pistol, so a family member who might not spend a lot of time shooting, could easily use this gun to stop a home invasion.

The bottom line is…

Since a home invasion occurs every 15 seconds in this country, I highly encourage you to enter to win your very own AR Pistol here.

This is offered by former CIA Officer Jason Hanson.

Somebody Awful
Nov 27, 2011

BORN TO DIE
HAIG IS A FUCK
Kill Em All 1917
I am trench man
410,757,864,530 SHELLS FIRED




Are... are those canted sights on a braced pistol with no optic?

Action-Bastard
Jan 1, 2008



Also, keymod.

infrared35
Jan 12, 2005

border patrol qt


Plaster Town Cop

Perfect for home defense*

*as long as you’re good with permanently sacrificing your hearing

EasilyConfused
Nov 21, 2009


one strong toad

infrared35 posted:

Perfect for home defense*

*as long as you’re good with permanently sacrificing your hearing

And possibly your family, given this bit:

quote:

a family member who might not spend a lot of time shooting, could easily use this gun to stop a home invasion.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




This morning, I got two versions of this brand new Grandpa email.

I am so terribly excited for the Ultra Combat Tech being made available to me! Surely THE TITAN will revolutionize how I swing around a knife while making whooshing noises!

I want to see the man who killed OSAMA BIN LADEN teach me FORBIDDEN KNIFE MOVEMENTS!!!

-------------------------

Dateline -- January 9th, 2021 -- U.S.A.]

Dear Freedom Loving Patriot:

You're probably not gonna believe this, (and I can't blame you), but it's TRUE!

The owner of a small California company has apparently lost his mind and is GIVING AWAY a brand NEW HUGE knife (1-foot long)...

...for FREE!

>> Get Your FREE Foot-Long Knife HERE! <<

It's called "The Titan".

This is one big, nasty, gorgeous knife, (it's worth $70 and comes with an awesome sheath). You're gonna be thrilled and delighted when this beauty shows-up at your front door.

Like a kid on Christmas morning.

The package even includes a "How-To" video for using a knife like this in combat (God forbid) with a former SEAL Team 6 member as your teacher.

This SEAL instruction is also yours for FREE!

>> Sounds nuts. But OK, I'm curious.<<

"No, I haven't lost my mind", said company President Bob Pierce. "Yes, this may sound crazy, but it's actually just a promotional test that we're conducting with Gun News USA".

"We are interested in what guys think about our new knife and shamelessly trying to get some buzz going on social media".

There are a couple of restrictions to get a free Titan.

1. This is not available to the general public. You must be a member on the Gun News USA email list.

2. There are only 500 Titans available for this test. After the 500 are gone, the promotion is over.

>> Okay, Lemme In On This! <<

Acting quickly is essential.

As there are only 500 Titans as part of this test promotion and this email has just been sent to over 5000 hotlist guys like you.

So hurry.

This message was approved by:

Bob Pierce
President, FightFast/TRS Survival.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




Weekends are good for Grandpa Emails. I've been gifted with another BRAND NEW one! Two in one day! Praise Jesus the Lord God!

This details the 1-2-3 Steps to disable any attacker. This really improves on my current 1-2-3 of -

1. Throw Smoke Bomb

2. Go Limp

3. Violently vomit and poo

------------------------------

Punks won’t know what hit them.

Emboldened criminals are everywhere these days.

And you’re more at risk than ever before.

You don’t have to be out Christmas shopping.

You could be at the gas station just fueling up the vehicle.

So how do you protect yourself?

If you have a dangerous thug approaching you...

1 - use your personal alarm to attract attention,

2 - then hit him in the face with your pepper spray,

3 - and finally, finish off your attacker with your stun gun.

He won’t attack you or anyone else anytime soon.

And you head off for home safe and sound.

Here’s how to get your Self-Defense Kit.

Thanks for subscribing,

Customer Care Team

EasilyConfused
Nov 21, 2009


one strong toad

Captain Log posted:

Gun News USA

GUN NEWS USA

Captain Log posted:

Emboldened criminals are everywhere these days.

Unintentionally topical.

infrared35
Jan 12, 2005

border patrol qt


Plaster Town Cop

We all know it to be the case but I went back and looked at the figures.

Barrel length/muzzle blast pressure:

20” - 5717 psi
16” - 7430 psi
10” - 12,140 psi
7” - 17,040 psi

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




infrared35 posted:

We all know it to be the case but I went back and looked at the figures.

Barrel length/muzzle blast pressure:

20” - 5717 psi
16” - 7430 psi
10” - 12,140 psi
7” - 17,040 psi

So that gun would basically liquify your ear drums shot indoors?

I always take issue with the AR pistol used for home defense for exactly that reason. If you think you'd have time to put on ear pro if a door/window is getting kicked open, you're either Batman or high.

tarlibone
Aug 1, 2014

Am I a... bad person?
AM I??





Fun Shoe

Captain Log posted:

So that gun would basically liquify your ear drums shot indoors?

I always take issue with the AR pistol used for home defense for exactly that reason. If you think you'd have time to put on ear pro if a door/window is getting kicked open, you're either Batman or high.

My take on it is, if you're going to use a pistol to defend your home, fine... but maybe pick one that's an actual handgun and doesn't require an "arm brace." How easy is an AR pistol to control with just one hand, using the arm brace as an arm brace?

I'm not being lovely; I'd honestly like to know. I have no idea. But it seems like an semiautomatic pistol with a light on it would be better at the things that they say this is better at. And, if you are going to use two hands on your AR pistol, then why not just use a carbine? Is it that much more nimble than the pistol, and does that nimbleness make up for the inherent issues involved?

But then again... America. gently caress yeah!

infrared35
Jan 12, 2005

border patrol qt


Plaster Town Cop

Holing up in the safe room with a suppressed AR supported on a sturdy piece of furniture that doubles as temporary cover, while Siri calls in the cavalry. Or the wife calls. Whatever.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




infrared35 posted:

Holing up in the safe room with a suppressed AR supported on a sturdy piece of furniture that doubles as temporary cover, while Siri calls in the cavalry. Or the wife calls. Whatever.

Meanwhile Cleetus is across town flailing down a flight of stairs because he exploded both ear drums firing an unsuppressed 7.5 inch AR pistol with a bump brace.

infrared35
Jan 12, 2005

border patrol qt


Plaster Town Cop

I’d rather be deaf for life than be carried by six! Or something.

infrared35 fucked around with this message at 17:51 on Jan 10, 2021

Dip Viscous
Sep 17, 2019



I already sleep with ear protection on my nightstand for when my neighbor decides to rev the engine of his straight piped truck for two hours. Never realized I operatin'.

Rontalvos
Feb 22, 2006


tarlibone posted:

My take on it is, if you're going to use a pistol to defend your home, fine... but maybe pick one that's an actual handgun and doesn't require an "arm brace." How easy is an AR pistol to control with just one hand, using the arm brace as an arm brace?

I'm not being lovely; I'd honestly like to know. I have no idea. But it seems like an semiautomatic pistol with a light on it would be better at the things that they say this is better at. And, if you are going to use two hands on your AR pistol, then why not just use a carbine? Is it that much more nimble than the pistol, and does that nimbleness make up for the inherent issues involved?

But then again... America. gently caress yeah!

Nobody who has a "braced pistol" is actually shooting it one handed, they're treating it like a stock on a not-SBR to have a shorter than 16in bbl without paying $200 to SBR it.

And handguns are harder to shoot than rifles, especially under stress, so this "pistol" walks the grey area between these.

Dip Viscous
Sep 17, 2019



There's a guy at my range with nerve damage in his left arm that actually uses them as an arm brace while also pushing out against a single point sling. I realize that this is probably <0.1% of users, but he said it works great for its intended purpose too and it's going to suck for him if they get banned.

infrared35
Jan 12, 2005

border patrol qt


Plaster Town Cop

Dip Viscous posted:

There's a guy at my range with nerve damage in his left arm that actually uses them as an arm brace while also pushing out against a single point sling. I realize that this is probably <0.1% of users, but he said it works great for its intended purpose too and it's going to suck for him if they get banned.

I regularly shoot my AR pistol one-handed in case I have to teach someone how to use it properly.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




Nothing special in the actual email, but one of my favorite Grandpa Emailers apparently revealed his nickname -

Verbatim - Jordon "Helping Keep You Safe" Perkins

Good old "Helping Keep You Safe" Perkins, always helping keep us safe. Thank God for "Helping Keep You Safe."

shalafi4
Feb 20, 2011

another medical bills avatar


One of the bio labs in the building I worked in had one of these.

It just sounds like a blender till the skull finally goes... It sounds pretty much exactly how you're probably picturing it in your mind.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




Bud...I'm gonna tell you about something BAD@SS...but we gotta make room for the interns....

(What does that mean?!)

----------------------------

Let’s get straight to the point.

This knife is cheap until we runout... we’re also going to cover your shipping costs.

We just released it today, and expect them to sell out rather quickly. I mean hell, it’s a stiletto wrapped in the American Flag.



We’re having a blowout on this bad@ss stiletto since the bosses are out of town.

Oh and I guess we need to make room for our interns…

Just click here and I promise you’ll be impressed.

There’s only 250 or so left, so act fast bud.

Thanks for your support and God Bless

Last chance to help make room for the interns.

PS: Don’t tell my boss!

infrared35
Jan 12, 2005

border patrol qt


Plaster Town Cop

Captain Log posted:

but we gotta make room for the interns....

The interns must not take up much space. 250 knives is a stack of 5x5 knives square, ten tall. So like, one cubic foot? Maybe two?

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




infrared35 posted:

The interns must not take up much space. 250 knives is a stack of 5x5 knives square, ten tall. So like, one cubic foot? Maybe two?

It's so nonsensical that my brain literally didn't get it until this post.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




I've seen toxic masculinity before. I think this might be toxic stupidity.

May the lord God Jesus bless you and your tip.

---------------

Hey Patriot, one of the BIGGEST debates have finally come to an end and we have the answer.

Length doesn't matter, size doesn't matter... Only the tip and where you put it! Spread the news and show everyone who doubted you.

The last time these were in stock they were all gone the same day.

Did I mention this company is in the good ole USA. We love our freedom, and we love our guns.

Claim Yours Now!

If you do too then order yours today before it's too late.

Talk soon and God Bless you,
Jordon Perkins

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




DOCTOR OR CHIROPRACTIC ARTS SAYS EATING A WHOLE AVOCADO CAN HURT YOUR VARIOUS HOLES!!!

Also praise the Jesus little Marco Rubio has marched up to Joe Biden and given him Very Serious Words.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




It's a good day for Grandpa Emails.

But I'm not linking this one for any reason other than...well just look at the gold bar.



LOOK AT IT!!!



Was that done by an eleven year old?

ZarathustraFollower
Mar 14, 2009





Lipstick Apathy

.....I had to re-read that several times and am more confused by their version of the White House. Who approved those images.

Somebody Awful
Nov 27, 2011

BORN TO DIE
HAIG IS A FUCK
Kill Em All 1917
I am trench man
410,757,864,530 SHELLS FIRED




It's brass or something isn't it?

EasilyConfused
Nov 21, 2009


one strong toad

They got the stunning part right.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




IT'S HAPPENING!!! gently caress YOUR FEELINGS!!! TRUMP 2024!!! THE REVENGE PRESIDENT!!!

I think this might be the first time in a decade someone has said, "PRONTO!" in all caps.

------------------------

Reserve Your FREE Trump 2024 "The Revenge Tour" Campaign Hat!

Hello Customer,

Liberals may think they've defeated Trump once and for all... BUT they've got a rude awakening coming!

President Trump has a HUGE financial war chest ready for a 2024 'Revenge Tour' with a mission to regain the White House and Make America Great Again !

To show Trump you support his quest, we are giving away these great looking campaign hats to the next 500 people who claim them!

All you need to do is make sure we still have available inventory...

...Provide us with your mailing address...

And pickup the nominal cost of shipping and handling and we'll get yours in the mail...PRONTO!



CLICK HERE TO CHECK HAT AVAILABLE INVENTORY!

Please note that these hats are really popular and we only have a limited supply remaining in inventory.

If you visit the above link and see a "sold out" sign then you'll know you're too late.

If you'd LOVE to wear this patriotic, pro-Trump hat out in public then claim your FREE hat today by clicking here.

Thank you and God Bless!

Customer Care Team

Somebody Awful
Nov 27, 2011

BORN TO DIE
HAIG IS A FUCK
Kill Em All 1917
I am trench man
410,757,864,530 SHELLS FIRED




a HUGE financial war chest

EasilyConfused
Nov 21, 2009


one strong toad

It's a sign of how crazy things have been that I'm actually happy to see a pro-Trump 2024 e-mail, since it means they've accepted that the 2020 election is over.

FREE BUT HUGE PRONTO LOVE FREE

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




EasilyConfused posted:

It's a sign of how crazy things have been that I'm actually happy to see a pro-Trump 2024 e-mail, since it means they've accepted that the 2020 election is over.

FREE BUT HUGE PRONTO LOVE FREE

Don't speak too soon. The My Pillow dickhead is going to help Trump release the Kraken with Sidney Powell -

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2021/01/15/pillow-salesman-apparently-has-some-ideas-about-declaring-martial-law/

Vincent Van Goatse
Nov 8, 2006

Don't be so gloomy. After all it's not that awful. Like the fella says, in Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance.


Smellrose

infrared35 posted:

This made me think of Cannae Pro Gear's ads.



OK so I'm way late but why are they selling something called Cannae on "Legion Day"? Do they realize that Cannae was the single worst defeat ever suffered by the Roman legions?

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




Don't become DEAD MEAT with out FIRE STARTER!

You can turn wood into iron!!! Somehow!!!
You can cauterize wounds!!! With flames!!!
Even better?!?! Our lighter doesn't have a flame, but puny little arcs that only start when something small enough is put in the gate!!!

--------------

If you can’t make fire in a survival situation, you’re dead meat. People think that important survival tools are things like water purifiers, knives, or maybe even guns, but they’re totally wrong. Fire is the most important survival tool, bar none, and here’s why:

Fire can be used to boil lifesaving water without having to carry anything but a metal pot to boil it in. No filters, no gimmicks, just purifying heat.
Fire keeps you from freezing to death. Did you know you could die of hypothermia in temperatures above freezing?
Fire hardens wood into almost iron like proportions. Think spear tips!
Fire’s great for cauterizing wounds!
Don’t even think about carrying a regular lighter that needs butane, lighter fluid, or other fuels. Instead, check out the SurvivaLighter, designed using technology from Nikola Tesla himself!

Do you remember one of Tesla’s most famous inventions - the Tesla Coil? It was that giant apparatus that would essentially produce manmade lightning , and we all know that lightning is amazing at starting fires.

SurvivaLighter is just like having lightning in your pocket - it's a miniature Tesla Coil that never needs to be refilled, is totally windproof, waterproof, and will light in almost any condition, over over and over again. Oh, and it’s USB rechargeable, in minutes.

SurvivaLighter is running a promotion right now, and for a short time only, they are taking 61% off the price of the SurvivaLighter. Quantities are extremely limited, so you must act now to claim your discount.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




:open palm slams a VHS of Dorf's Fishing Trip and eats two slim Jims in one bite while doing my Bowie knife kata to stab a wild pig:

:stabs a wild pig:

--------------------------------------
It’s funny now, but it wasn’t at the time.

I was on a fishing and camping trip with some good buddies of mine when things got a little out of hand.

I was casting flies as I made my way along the river when I came to an impassable section.

So, I climbed the steep bank and was pushing through the thick undergrowth when I stumbled upon him.

A 150lb ball of angry muscle, staring at me with his beady eyes.

Usually, I would shoot the sucker and be done with it but, on this day, all I had was my 8-inch bowie knife and my fishing rod.

Crap, I thought.

So, I kept eye contact and started to back away, but he wasn’t going to let me get off so easy.

With a squeal, he lunged forward and started chasing me.

I drew my knife and positioned a tree between the two of us.

Every time he came around the side of the tree, I would stab at him with my knife.

After a couple of good thrusts that nearly took out his eye, he backed away and disappeared.

That was my cue to get out of there.

When I got back to camp, I told my story to the others who didn’t believe me.

They thought I made it up as an excuse for not catching any fish.

Until I showed them the footage.

You see that morning I had clipped on my Cloak Cam to my jacket to record all the fish I was going to catch.

The Cloak Cam is the most versatile camera on the market.

I use them around my home for the motion sensor recording.

Have one mounted on my dash to record the traffic, and of course clip one on my jacket whenever I’m hunting, fishing or doing any sporting activities for the high definition video
quality.

Like fighting off wild hogs!

The guys couldn’t believe the footage. It was live action at its best.

Me, yelling like a crazy man and the hog going in for the kill.

So, to celebrate my close call, I’m giving away 1,000 Cloak Cam’s to worthy patriots.

If that sound like you, click here to claim yours.

These amazing cameras are so good they put the competition to shame.

Try one out for yourself.

At least then you will have proof of the ‘one that got away.’

Or the one that nearly got you.

Grab yours today here.

From your friend

Dan Conley

American Tactical Sports

P.S. If you saw the footage, you would laugh too. I was breathing hard as I fought that thing off. Click here to claim a Cloak Cam for yourself, then share your wild stories with me.

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ADBOT LOVES YOU

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"




Billy, come help Maw Maw! She done pooped out a couple bowling balls of congealed fat! Fetch the hose pipe, her blowhole is getting dry!

------------------------

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