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DimiPZC
Jul 29, 2020

Tiny bug frog dragon girl



Please just shoot me.

If you've been keeping up with my Let's Plays, you know I LP'd "In the Lost Kingdom of the Banana Blood God". Bananas was a "quest", a game made in the Zelda Classic engine. Zelda Classic, or "ZC" henceforth, is a Zelda game maker, and games made in it are called "quests". There's over 600 of the things on PureZC (the dedicated ZC fansite), and more probably scattered elsewhere.

I mentioned at the start of Bananas that standing out from the trash, there were amazing quests and quests that are amazingly bad. When I played Bananas, I specified that Bananas was the former. This unholy abomination is the latter. This is a raging dumpster fire written/designed by a certain CastChaos. And I'm going to play it Blind.

But wait! I'm playing this near-completely blind. How would I know of the quality, after all? So instead of taking my word for it, let's see what the reviews to the quest on the site it's hosted on say?



Yeah, it's not good. It has a weird ironic cult following nowadays, but that doesn't change the actual quality of the game. It got a lot of good reviews early on in it's lifespan because back in the day, it was one of the most technically impressive quests out there. Despite that, that didn't stop people from noticing some of the... problems... that the game has.

Horrible fanfiction-level story. Nonsensical plot twists. Amazingly poor English. Asinine gameplay decisions. All that, plus overall hosed up poo poo that will both make you cringe in disgust and question your sanity!

Content Warning

For that last reason alone, I'm putting a general content warning right here. If you read this LP, do so at your own risk. This game is disgusting in many ways. If you can imagine something wrong this game does, chances are it does that.

Spoiler Policy

Eh, whatever. I doubt any of you've played this. Feel free to theorize, guess, whatever. Instead, I'm going to say don't spoil other people's enjoyment. Try to avoid spoilers that you know about, but feel free to guess where this trainwreck is heading. I'm going to try and be lax about this unless things get out of hand.

Pester Policy

Please feel free to pester me about when the next update is up (within reason, of course). Knowing that there's interest is seriously a huge motivator. On that same note, please don't be scared to post something, even if you feel like you have nothing to say. The more people I know who are actually reading the crap I write, the more I can motivate myself to keep working on this.

Updates

Prologuing my suffering





Source of the oh no



Steaming hot mess




Gallery of questionable decisions





Escape! from Reb- wait gently caress wrong fangame



Necroposting




Content drought




lovely cities


Also, check out SurrealCanine's LP of this game's remake if you haven't! He did a very informative LP of BoaB DX, and he was insanely helpful when I was playing, letting this LP be much more informative than it could've been. You can watch it here, just be wary of spoilers and try not to spoil everyone else in the thread if you watch ahead!

DimiPZC fucked around with this message at 10:10 on Feb 25, 2021

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DimiPZC
Jul 29, 2020

Tiny bug frog dragon girl

"Fan" "Art"



EvilKit reminds us that better games exist with this motivational poster we can all relate to.

DimiPZC fucked around with this message at 17:54 on Nov 20, 2020

DimiPZC
Jul 29, 2020

Tiny bug frog dragon girl



I spent like 30 minutes trying to load the version this quest is meant to be played in because I don't trust the backwards compatibility of 2.53. Alas, it's both unfindable and Windows 10 incompatible. The downsides are that I don't get to hear the obnoxious LttP GBA slashing screams whenever I slash the sword.



Is that a fire medallion? Guess it stands for dumpster fire.



OST - Intro

The engrish begins. Also the entire soundtrack is midi, and some of it is custom compositions not based on an existing song, so those will be fun to handle.

: People had nothing else to do than fishing, milking cows, smelling flowers, singing songs, playing with the elements and loving.

Oh, loving! Can I join in? I want to loving punch someone :shepface:

: Only some parents were sad whose children left Hyrule in search of adventures, treasures, and big secrets.



: Hyrule and another land. Almost every Hyrulean died at that ages. Nobody knew any cure for the disasters. The whole world began to be filled with weakness, stupidness, and cowardice.

Game, I don't need you to describe 2020 for me. ...Stupidness? What?



: and drove back the darkness into the other land.

Somehow Link made the treasure chest in the bottom left fall asleep.

: Once again everyone was happy and at love. However, people feared that the dark times would return. The King of Hyrule ordered the Hyruleans not to leave Hyrule, this way protecting the land from being attack by unknown beasts again. The only easy way out is protected by a seal only can be broken by that legendary sword.



: Of course, there are some adventurous people whos are willing to seek the legendary sword and the powers whiches aided the two sides during the war... Two of them are the young Knil and his girlfriend, Myra.
: This is their story. This is their ballad...



OST - Title





Janky intro, though it does well lining up with the music.



OST - House

: Will such a lazy boy escape from Hyrule?
: Kniiiil! Waaaaaaaaaake uuuuuup!



: Good morning my sweetie! I wish I could say that I was dreaming about you, but I had bad dreams again. How did you sleep?

Oh boy. The protagonist isn't silent.

: I had nightmares, too, my dear. Sure that the boredom does this.
: We need to find some clue on how to leave Hyrule. Come on! I know that you are planning it for years! Look, I am 18 and you are 16. Guess?
: Umm... we can marry now?

Uhh, you're a little underage there buddy.

: Uh, yes... but I thought about adventure. Come on, you want it, too! I know! Knil?
: All right, I was really planning it. But it's too dangerous for you, my sweetie. Our roads sadly... Hey! Don't cry! I... Uh...



Myra is good at getting what she wants.

: That's why I want to give you a present. I found it west from here, near Lost Woods, at Kokiri Forest. Use it for good...



: It will protect you from rocks and arrows but don't set it on fire!

: Thank you! This is really beautiful and has some safe feeling to it.
: I'm glad you like it! There's even more! I asked my father to smith a sword for you! It won't be just a stick though. You will use it in the upcoming dungeons So, let's head to my house north from here.
: The Legendary Blade is held in the Sanctuary. But we can't get it now. It's locked up, and nobody can touch it anyway.
: I found a good book in the library, but it's in the closed section. We need to find a way there and do some exploring, too.
: Well said, my love! I hope it will be a happy adventure!



50 images in (that I trimmed into text) and we finally gain control. :words:

There's a potentially spoilery easter egg (my friends say it's a spoiler) if you wait in this house for 2 minutes. It involves some portal jank and a winged angel and was pretty incomprehensible, and leads immediately into an ending. I'm not showing it off because if it ends up being a spoiler I'd rather save the WTF factor for later.



OST - Rain

Oh hello there LttP opening.



: Just a warning, us DarkNuts have clear orders against suspicious persons. Not like we had evil habits, though...

What an oddly specific denial.



We start off in Kakariko Town. People are still out and about despite it still being dark out, not to mention raining.



: Do you love books, too? My favourite is the Book of Mudora...
: Hey! That book is in the closed section! How did you get in?!
: Uhm... Forget what I said! You will get a discount in my shop if you do! Come at the 'RIGHT' time, OK?

Wow, I can't wait to buy some drugs from this not at all shady merchant.



Nobody around here...




We can head around the back of the house to get to the left.



Oooh, Carpenters! ...What the hell are they doing, working out in the rain? Is there no worker rights here?



: Covering gaps, fixing bridges, reapiring fences... If you see anything that wasn't there previously, know that it was our work!
: Amazing! I always wanted to be a carpenter!



Sadly, the carpenters haven't fixed that hole yet, so we need to come from the left to head north. Let's go left then!





: ancestors were enemies of the ancient Hero...

Wow, casual racism, in my Zelda? Nice.

: I also seen them while doing evil things, like torturing animals, stealing from children and trashing flowers. The king really wants to block certain roads...

Wait, what?

: Why even are they here? Scary ones...
: The king says that they powerful enough to prevent any to leave Hyrule. He also states that they need to block some areas for security reasons at night and in certain seasons. The Royal Family acts very strange nowadays... They are locked up in the castle. Nobody have seen Princess Zelda since she was born...
: Odd!

So something I haven't mentioned yet... This quest doesn't have an NPC script. NPCs aren't actually included in ZC by default. Because this was from 2009, they used some weird workarounds to have NPCs. It involves warping you to a screen with the text whenever you get close to the NPC with invisible warp tiles. ZC... is not a well oiled machine, as you can likely tell.



: smelling flowers and watching the sun while while it moves around and around... But don't get me wrong, I could kill you any time if you planned to leave Hyrule. Just as I did with some people who got close.
: How they got close?
: They managed to gather the three... Oh! I almost talked too much
: Why is your armour looks different? Much prettier than the rest.
: I am on a higher rank. But this armour is not only for for showing off rank. This lightweighed gear makes me run extra fast and I can shoot a beam with my sword.
: Bye!!!

Oh boy, this is a death knight! Back in the day, the devs thought designing kaizo enemies to include in ZC was a good idea to let people use. The death knight moves faster than Link, homes in on Link, and shoots sword beams at Link that deal 16 hearts of damage. Yes, 16 hearts. They are not a good enemy.



We're on the other side of the carpenters now. Nice!




Stepping next to this darknut will cause him to look at us. Neat.



Let's head inside.



OST - Myra's House

...Calling your girlfriends dad fat isn't going to score you points, Knil.

: Hi Knil! Who knew that after me really being ye' dad for, years ye' will be my lil' daughters husband soon, will ye'?

I'm sorry, I don't know either :shrug:

: I will for sure!
: Yes! By the way, Dad, please give Knil the sword you smithed!
: This is the best sword ye' can use. Come back when ye' feel much stronger. As for now, try to stab the south door open. Ye' know, the swords not only for slashing bushes, torturing cuccos, teasing goriyas or or cuttin' down the skirts o' pretty girls. Good luck for both of you, but stay in Hyrule just yet...

No, you read that right.



...What the gently caress BigDad.

: Thank you, I will be stronger soon!
: All right, Knil! Stab that door open! I am so excited! Whole Hyrule is ours! Bye, Dad!




OST - Kakariko

You sure do, Knil.



We can head north...



... What the hell does adventure smell like?



Let's not do that. Let's explore town first.



Everyone is awake now that it's sunny out.



Friendly guard just guarding stuff.



: a business trip, yeah.
: We didn't want to see him.
: Well, his daughter is on... uhm... Vacation! Yeah.

Why do I get the feeling you're not being honest?

: We don't want her either.
: Well then if...
: Oh, calm down, woman! We are just looking around.

Jesus christ Myra.



: I know now! You are Impa! You nursed Princess Zelda!
: That's true. :( But I was fired because taking her out to the nature! A baby needs fresh air! She had beautiful blonde hair and a yellow triangle on the back of her cute little hand... *sob*



Let's leave Impa be, and see what else this town has to offer!



UM.



...I think we've seen enough. Welcome to BoaB!

COUNT OF ABSURDITY:
Casual torture references: 2
Protagonist being awful: 1
Nudity: 1

DimiPZC fucked around with this message at 09:37 on Feb 25, 2021

TeeQueue
Oct 9, 2012

The time has come. Soon, the bell shall ring. A new world will come. Rise, my servants. Rise and serve me. I am death and life. Darkness and light.


so you can... literally... use the sword to....


:psyduck:


what. wha. huh. wha... HUH?

Arcanuse
Mar 14, 2019



So far this has just been an "oh no" steadily increasing in volume and concern
And it's only the first update :allears:

DACK FAYDEN
Feb 25, 2013

Bear Witness

...I was really hoping he was kidding about the skirts.

Ignatius M. Meen
May 26, 2011

Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...



Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

DimiPZC posted:

: I also seen them while doing evil things, like torturing animals, stealing from children and trashing flowers. The king really wants to block certain roads...

what


WHAT


:psyboom:

Quackles
Aug 11, 2018

Pixels of Light.


TeeQueue posted:

so you can... literally... use the sword to....

From a technical standpoint, that was impressive took extra work to do?

From an actual game play standpoint, :wtf:

Quackles fucked around with this message at 09:01 on Nov 1, 2020

Alxprit
Feb 7, 2015

A lady after my own Soul-Heart.

:allears:

Bogart
Apr 12, 2010

Time to button mash!


Ssssssssmokiní!

LiefKatano
Aug 31, 2018

I swear, by my sword and capote, that I will once again prove victorious!!


Oh boy, this is going to be... an adventure.

Why is the hole that the carpenters were working on there (especially since they don't capitalize on the hole being there to make you witness an event?) and why do they fix it like they do? This isn't the most pressing concern in the update but it bugs me.

...

Also Knil? Really? Especially when Zelda and Impa are unmarred?

(also: I'm definitely judging the ZC designers for not having interactive NPCs by default)

Carbon dioxide
Oct 9, 2012



quote:

The whole world began to be filled with weakness, stupidness, and cowardice.

Ah, my kind of triforce.

Black Robe
Sep 12, 2017

Generic Magic User




I am getting very strong Pokemon Quartz vibes from this. Horrifically bad Engrish and lots of creepy sexual poo poo.

And there needs to be a trigger warning for trashing flowers! The horror! Torturing animals is fine, but not the flowers!

Commander Keene
Dec 21, 2016

This avatar helped buy Lowtax a new back.



I can see that calling it "technically impressive but really bad" is extremely accurate, and it's only the first update. We're in for a ride :allears:

Carbon dioxide posted:

Ah, my kind of triforce.
It's the Nega-Triforce, and it exists in the empty space in the middle of the one we know.

Augus
Mar 9, 2015




Hahaha what the gently caress

Ignatius M. Meen
May 26, 2011

Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...



Black Robe posted:

And there needs to be a trigger warning for trashing flowers! The horror! Torturing animals is fine, but not the flowers!

I mean the way I read it, the guy had just seen the darknuts patrolling around while he was out torturing animals, stealing from kids, and yes, even trashing flowers. Just out doing evil things like he does every day. It's not what the dev meant of course, but this is what happens with unchecked Engrish.

Carpator Diei
Feb 26, 2011


DimiPZC posted:

: I'm glad you like it! There's even more! I asked my father to smith a sword for you! It won't be just a stick though. You will use it in the upcoming dungeons So, let's head to my house north from here.
: The Legendary Blade is held in the Sanctuary. But we can't get it now. It's locked up, and nobody can touch it anyway.
: I found a good book in the library, but it's in the closed section. We need to find a way there and do some exploring, too.

Among all the awful stuff, it somehow still bothers me a lot that the intro just dumps three tasks on you at once. Knil could've just mentioned the book after getting the sword, that would've been a lot less confusing.

In any case this promises to be interesting in quite a few ways, though probably none of the ways intended by the developer.

Blaze Dragon
Aug 28, 2013
LOWTAX'S SPINE FUND



I hope the "yikes" just keeps ramping up from here on, because that was a really strong (see: terrible) start there.

DimiPZC
Jul 29, 2020

Tiny bug frog dragon girl



No matter now many times we leave and come back, this lady will be eternally naked. Maybe this is a lesson about how revealing insecurities teaches a person to live with them and we've created a new nudist colon- pffft I'm sorry I can't do this anymore hahaha



: 4 bombs, a meat increases hearts by 3, or a magic up potion. Other things aren't for kids. Sorry. They are too elite. Come back in 7 years.

Wow, that sure is a trainwreck of a dialogue.



I'll pick up some bombs because jesus christ you're gonna need a lot of these.



Oh hey, the library is open now. Before we enter, since there's no other place to bring this up, lemme just bring up something from the previous update.




Notice the different coloration between when we first leave the house? ZC doesn't support time of day shenanigans normally, and they have to be done with different map states. That means we were dumped into a "morning" version of the town when we , and leaving the town and re-entering it put us into a "day" version. The morning version is only accessible upon leaving Myra's house the first time.

I only noticed this in post, but that means that if anything special happens during the morning, we can never do that. We're permanently locked out of it. I have a sneaking suspicious that the "discount" we were offered in the previous update is only available during this conveniently miss-able time. I have no way of testing this without replaying through the intro again (gently caress that), but just some food for thought, because permanent miss-able poo poo is gonna be a pattern throughout this game.



Anyways library is open.



: facility of whole Hyrule! .... Who am I Lying to...? :( The popularity of books are falling at an extreme rate! I don't what to do...

I keep autocorrecting the awful english and have to put in a lot of effort to translate all this without my brain "correcting" it.

: I would like to enter the closed section Is it possible by any means?
: Well, only paid members can access it and only adults can paid members for 200 Rupee per month. Sorry.

No wonder you're losing business, my dude.



This whole time, Myra has been spinning in circles.




In the lower left corner, a guy is hitting a little girl on the head with a book. Haha funny child abuse! :D



Ignore the broken door. It's just working poo poo hours and getting poo poo pay and hasn't had it's coffee yet, so it's only putting in a half effort to stay closed. It's trying, guys!



: course you do! They say that Master Smith keeps a rare item in his house This item is the replica of the Magical Lantern which can summon fire anytime! I wonder if the replica is also this good. Moreover I heard that the village girls wants to invent a 'tool' which makes us, boys, as stupid as they are!

Wow, casual sexism, in my Zelda? I'd never!

: Lie! Grrr...

Of course Myra's in on it.

: Farewell, partner! And don't forget, if life gives you a shutter give it a bomb!

That's a hint for an upcoming obscure trigger that's required to progress.




Of course, it ain't referring to this one, cause that'd be convenient.



Two shops in this town. A bit redundant.



: are really cheap! Well, mostly. Prices are rising, though.

Don't buy that fish. That fish is a scam. Go just 1 screen south of this shop and buy the fish there for literally half the price. I fall for this scam later and it pissed me off so bad.



Oh look! A fake wall. Of course.



: Let's look for the book you mentioned earlier!

: *Myra and Knil searches through the books.*

: I am frustrated! This closed section isn't a big deal at all! Only naughty magazines, rumour books and weird philosophies... :(

: There is it!!! The Book of Mudora! Look! It not only tells the story of the legendary sword, but we will be able to translate old inscriptions!
: Let's read!

: 'Long, long ago, when the world were on the verge of swallowed by darkness, the people of Hyrule forged the MASTER SWORD and defeated evil. Then they placed the MASTER SWORD in the...'

: Unfortunately the text breaks here, but luckily continues later:

: '...of Time used the MASTER SWORD to seal the Evil King into the Golden Land. However, this way the Evil King and his defeated allies could reach the...'



Another bre- wait. Excuse me. "Klin"!?

What the gently caress game. Can you not even remember your own character's name!? Unacceptable.

Also yes, we've been reading this expo dump the whole time without even a change in scenery.

: 'of Light gathered the three Ancient Artifacts and so became able to wield the MASTER SWORD. He travelled through the worlds and defeated the King of Thieves. The Dark World now supposed to vanish. The Hero wished for many things, but he forgot...'

: That is all.
: So, the Hero of Hyrule defeated the Evil King and the King of Thieves? It's so hazy... But at least we know that in order to pull the legendary sword (which is surely the Master Sword) we need the three Artifacts. I happen to know them! One is at south at Lake Hylia, one is at the north at Death Mountain and the final is at the west deep in the Lost Woods. After exploring Hyrule field, maybe we should go to Lake Hylia... OUCH! I stepped on this stupid broken glass! How much rubbish are there! ...Hey, a boomerang! Let's take it!



If you leave this screen without grabbing the rang, you need to listen to that entire expo dump over again. Yes, the boomerang is require to progress by the way, so I hope you saw that hidden wall.



God. This loving quest.



The house on the left isn't a "house" you can enter; instead, going inside just gets you money.



Let's head back to Knil's house.



There's a chest that wasn't there before.



: gave it to you as a present long ago, it brings great luck! Later it will be harder to get items than simply picking them up from your own treasure chest!

Oh hey, this item? Another permanent miss-able. Given how a hint NPC goes "get it, it's important", I wouldn't be surprised if it's possible to screw yourself later by not getting it now.



Heading right from Knil's house, we have these girls gossiping about stuff.

: Have you heard that Bano guy? Something is fishy in his shop! Males are so lame, they make shutters thin nowadays. Heard that the zora king messed some thing up in the water source and the dungeon guardian went berserk? Go south and see it! Also there's something suspicious above Mt. Death! And the Kokiri's Deku Tree has withered. I wish this town were technically more evolved with big metal houses!

Um, okay.



Well, since houses we've been in before have new things, let's check out Myra's house.



Both of the side doors are open now.



This room seems empty, but...



There's a pack of bombs behind the bookshelf.



There's been a few hints to this. Guess what you need to do.



If you guessed "bomb a shutter", you're absolutely right!

This is the only time the game gives you the courtesy to hint an arbitrary secret. I loving hate this game.




: It will brighten your life once per area!



...We have a long way to go itemwise.




Heading west just has a bed that heals you and a chest containing a magic refill. Lamp uses magic here, and that's on top of the 1 use per screen thing Z1 had with it's level 1 candle.



Last point of interest in town is this hole. We won't be heading in that hole until after the first dungeon, but I want you to guess what's in the hole, or, more importantly, what you need to do to get in that hole. I'll donate a forum avatar to the first person who can guess the latter without spoiling themselves, because I'm that confident nobody is going to get it (Don't cheat by looking it up, or I will shame you :ssh: )



With that done...



Time to explore this godawful field.

DimiPZC fucked around with this message at 13:26 on Nov 16, 2020

cardinale
Jul 11, 2016



The game hasn't done anything horrid to animals yet, so I will guess you have to throw a cucco down there or something.

goatface
Dec 5, 2007

I had a video of that when I was about 6.

I remember it being shit.




Grimey Drawer

Pick up a villager and throw them just a bit away from the hole so a chain chomp will emerge to feed and you can climb down its chain.

hopeandjoy
Nov 28, 2014





goatface posted:

Pick up a villager and throw them just a bit away from the hole so a chain chomp will emerge to feed and you can climb down its chain.

This but they have to be naked first.

Augus
Mar 9, 2015




the hole looks like you could just walk into it and it also look like those vines could be used to climb down into it so obviously it will be neither of those things, you probably teleport into the area at the bottom of the hole from a completely different, arbitrary location, probably behind an unmarked fake wall, and the vines are a one-way exit that spits you out onto the screen above this one.

given the tone of this hack so far there's probably like a strip club in there or something idk

Arcanuse
Mar 14, 2019



Guessing you have to climb down the vines(?). Now, how to get to the top of the vines, there's the mystery :shepface:

biosterous
Feb 23, 2013






is there a dog in the hole

Ignatius M. Meen
May 26, 2011

Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...



There's somebody blocking the vine entrance at the top of the screen and you either assault them with the first dungeon's item somehow or ugh undress them with your sword, driving them away.

e: Maybe both of those, IDK.

Ineffable
Jul 3, 2012


The patch of dirt just south of the hole is the far side of a breakable wall, maybe?

Quackles
Aug 11, 2018

Pixels of Light.


Throw a bomb into the hole?

Jade Rider
May 11, 2007

All the pages have been censored except for "heck," and she misread that one.




I'm guessing you have to make a villager mad enough for them to pick you up and throw you into the hole. And there's probably just a piece of heart or something down there.

TeeQueue
Oct 9, 2012

The time has come. Soon, the bell shall ring. A new world will come. Rise, my servants. Rise and serve me. I am death and life. Darkness and light.


Observation 1: Thereís a girl standing next to the hole.

Observation 2: This game is terrible.

Therefore, it involves cutting her clothing off, thereby making her yell at Knil for being a pervert before falling into the hole in her rage, at which point you have to go find her family who are probably way off somewhere else in order to tell them of her fate so they can give you a rope ladder, but all of this has to be done before dungeon 2 because itís permanently missable if the town progresses from day to night which happens without warning if you progress too far.

I have no evidence of any of this, but it feels like something a bad game might do.

placid saviour
Apr 6, 2009


TeeQueue posted:

.
Therefore, it involves cutting her clothing off, thereby making her yell at Knil for being a pervert before falling into the hole in her rage.

It's absolutely something like this, but then probably also something with torture, because I imagine the creator wants to make a "puts the lotion on its skin" joke and doesn't know any other way to get there.

This game is bad, and the Engrish makes it infinitely worse. I hope you survive, Dimi.

bbcisdabomb
Jan 14, 2008

SHEESH


DimiPZC posted:

Last point of interest in town is this hole. We won't be heading in that hole until after the first dungeon, but I want you to guess what's in the hole, or, more importantly, what you need to do to get in that hole. I'll donate a forum avatar to the first person who can guess the latter without spoiling themselves, because I'm that confident nobody is going to get it (Don't cheat by looking it up, or I will shame you :ssh: )


I'm hoping you push the lady into the hole like you push boulders, then you can hop down on top of her.

MagusofStars
Mar 31, 2012




The game mentioned a tool that makes you stupid (as dumb as girls, per the game's awful casual sexism), so I'm betting that comes back. Something like: (1) you help complete that invention, then (2) use it to be temporarily stupid, so that (3) Knil accidentally falls down the hole/has no sense of self-preservation and is willing to just jump.

goatface
Dec 5, 2007

I had a video of that when I was about 6.

I remember it being shit.




Grimey Drawer

You get gender swapped so that you can sexually attract someone who owns a ladder you can use to get down the hole and do a sex with them.

BraveLittleToaster
May 5, 2019


I'm gonna guess that you need to do the first dungeon, and then something explodes and a big thing goes flying off and hits the hole, and that makes the entrance bigger so you can climb in easier. I'm guessing this because I am mistakenly optimistic that it's merely completely unrelated to anything near the hole and not plain stupid.

Raitzeno
Nov 24, 2007

What? It seemed like
a good idea at the time.



It's going to be something dumb on a larger scale, isn't it? Gotta slash every skirt in the village and tie them into a ladder, or some poo poo.

Augus
Mar 9, 2015




on a side note it's striking to me how much the "naked woman" sprite edit looks like a head mounted on top of a pair of legs with no torso.
that goron in th elibrary is also very much not a Gameboy-style Goron even though everything else uses Gameboy-style sprites.
the "shop" with the items sitting halfway on barstools also looks profoundly lovely
art direction is a bit lacking!

DimiPZC
Jul 29, 2020

Tiny bug frog dragon girl




OST - Hyrule Field

You can commit sign vandalism if you want. It'll be back if you leave the screen and come back, so there's no point in doing so. Then again, you can't even read the sign, so there's no point in not doing so.



This update, we're going to explore a good chunk of Hyrule Field. Hey, I wonder if we can get past that bombable-looking rock!




Nope. Jokes on you for thinking that'd be sensible.




At least each screen is kinda memorable and serves as a landmark. Better than what I can say later this update.



Nothing down here, it seems.




Weird statue.



There's a trigger on this screen that opens a hole in the ground. Will you be able to tell what it is?

Spoiler: We need to shoot the flower with a later dungeon item. Totally signposted!



Pretty sure this clearing is a reference to LttP.



Killing all the enemies gives us a heart piece. This quest has a surplus of them, so I'm not counting every one we get. Past a certain point, finding them won't reward you since the health bar only goes up so much.




There's something hidden here. Can you spot it?



Money!



Crossroads! We head right first.



Come one, come all, welcome all to the next round of "Guess! That! Trigger!"

Can you guess what seems like the obvious trigger on this screen? This screen has one, and you have until next screenshot to make your guess!



If you guessed to stab the rock with the sword sign above it... You'd be wrong! :D

You need to boomerang a random tree with the upgraded boomerang to turn it into a rock. "Need", cause it does absolutely nothing for you.



Keep that grass patch in mind. We'll be reaching there shortly.



And we're back in familiar territory.



Let's head left instead.



We're back in town now.



Specifically, east of Myra's house. Let's explore north of the town this time.



I don't get what these sword signs are trying to say :shrug:



Screenshot tool glitched out here and made it look like some stuff has an afterimage. I guess even the software thought this empty corridor was boring.



This is the hallway that never ends... yes it goes on and on my friends...



Nevermind, it's only 3 screens of nothing. All for a dead end. :sigh:




Seems we have to go around the outskirts.



I should mention that these thieves are resprites of the Zelda 1 moblins. This quest has a lot of weird resprites; I approve of this one though.



Here's the grass patch we saw earlier.



There's a cave under it!



Level 2 octorocks are resprited to be deku scrubs.



Killing them all gives me a heart piece. Neat.



I backtrack (read: I died to the octorocks and broke sequence to show that heart piece :ssh:) back to the crossroads north of town and head north.



Oh, there's the sanctuary! Let's go steal the Master Sword.




: story of the Legendary Sword!
: We already know it
: I would like to hear it!
: All right, sweety.
: Long, long ago when people searched adventure, they angered a great evil at an other land. War broke out and many have fallen... But then the Hero came, forged the legendary sword and defeated evil!
: It wasn't quite like this way.
: Psst! And so, the Maste... I mean, the 'legendary' sword is here?
: Yes, my children. Indeed. You can see it, but musn't touch it. After all, this is the only item that let's you break the Death Mountain Seal and take the leap to other lands. Which is, forbidden.
: Is there a way we could touch it?
: Is there a secret entrance?
: There isn't any secret entrance ..... Oh! It's so terrifying to lie! I admit that a chamber leads from Hyrule Castle to here, but fierce Darknuts are watching! Some are reborn upon dying, and some are hold the power of a god! So, you can't touch the Sword, but you can see it if you give me something to eat...

We don't have a fish to give this guy. We'll come back later.



East of the sanctuary now.



I almost missed this cave cause I wasn't paying attention. I'm not smart.


: the need of finding secrets. There may be more in one area.
: See Knil? Lets search secrets! Please!



Another cave...



We can't access this. Here's your chance to guess how to get this! I'll wait!...

...

It arbitrarily opens after the second dungeon.



An octo blocks our way up above, but we can take the lower path.



...Which takes us back here, right above the deku shrub cave. Let's head right.



Evil tree shoot fireball. oOoOoOooh, spoooooooky.



Further east we find this weird outcropping.



I make the mistake of stepping near this butterfly trying to get up it, and...



OST - Ambush!

"Random" encounter! :o



These things exist throughout the world for no reason. Here we have a fight against 4 red darknuts with only 3 hearts and a wood sword. They take 4 hits, deal 1 heart of damage, and can only be hit from the sides and back with the sword.



Beating them all gives us a meat restores 3 hearts. ...That's what the shop said they were called, right?



It's literally just a full heal for the effort. Lame.



After the ambush, we're now on the outcropping.



Stepping next to the rock lets us get off this, and also removes the "random" encounter (it's just an invisible warp that you might accidentally step on)



Finally, all the way east we have this hut.



If you played Zelda 1, this is the old woman you'd give the letter too. We don't have a letter (which is resprited to be a bottle) yet.



To the south, we finally find Hyrule Castle.




It big.



And we can't access it yet anyways.





Seriously, this castle is big. 3x3 screens is no joke.



To the west, we're again back in familiar territory, only on the other side of the greenery. Free money!



Not sure what the heck is up with this statue though.



South of Hyrule Castle, we see... a boring, plain open plain. Yay. Let's head left.




And hey, I remember this screen! We're back near where we started the update.



I head back into town and buy a 100 rupee fish. Keep that in mind.



Fish is the bait/meat from Zelda 1 reskinned.



We never went down south of the shop in town, darknuts were blocking down here at night and I never bothered to check it.



[internalized screaming]

I wasted 50 more rupees than I needed to on a fish :psyduck:

gently caress my life.

: buying them will make them legal. I was a lawyer once, so I know.

Lawyers exist in this universe apparently.

: The first is a Magical Tile which lets you pass gaps.

It's the Z1 ladder.

: The second is a Magical Bottle. You can't buy potions without it!

It's the Z1 letter.

: The third is a fresh fish, you can bribe people with it. Better than the meat.

It's the Z1 bait.

Buy the bottle if possible. It's permanently miss-able and you can screw yourself out of potions for the entire game if you don't pick it up while it's available. The tile is required for the first dungeon, as is a fish.



Heading east and south out of the village now.



East we find a bunch of thieves.



Killing them all spawns a 200 rupee! We need that!



Goddamnit!

They all respawn if you leave the screen. You need a ranged weapon to get this.



Let's head west instead.




We're now south of town.



South of here leads to the first dungeon. However...



Soldiers exist.



They exist everywhere and will warp you all the way back to town if they see you. Lovely. I stupidly think we can't get past this soldier yet.



Right from the soldier, we have cramped spaces.





Whole bunch of nothing down here, let's head u-


Oh.



There's a stealth segment up here and I failed it just by scrolling up from below like that. Lovely.



They turn regularly, and I don't think to put two and two together to realize I can head south to Lake Hylia.



I still gently caress this up though. Time to backtrack all the way here!



Getting past the stealth segment takes us back to big open nothing field.



All these motherfucking snakes, on my goddamn plain!



Killing them all gives me meat.



Oh look, a raised hammer peg! That clearly needs to be hammered, right? :shepface:



Past that, we have a building!




Sexy... little... girl? For sale... as a slave? What the gently caress!? :psyduck:




What the absolute christ. That's hosed up.

For the record, this shop tells you about the pearl, the lamp, and the boomerang we already got.



We never do anything about this shop. This shop will forevermore continue to sell "sexy" little girls as slaves, and the only thing we can do is support this local slavery business with our patronage. It only gets worse from here, this is far from the last time the creator will sexualize little girls in this game.

Ballad of a Bloodline, everyone!

COUNT OF ABSURDITY:
Casual torture references: 2
Protagonist being awful: 2
Yikes: 2

DimiPZC fucked around with this message at 20:38 on Nov 15, 2020

Blaze Dragon
Aug 28, 2013
LOWTAX'S SPINE FUND



God, those triggers. Game really wants you to be psychic.

...and I thought I'd just complain about that but that last part can't be ignored. Holy poo poo.

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Solumin
Jan 11, 2013


:stare:

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