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Moneypenny: Good evening, James James Bone: Ah, Ms. Moneypenny. You look wonderful tonight. Are you going out later to stand on the street corner, selling yourself to strangers in exchange for money and/or pennies? Moneypenny: James I want to you know i have reported you to the police for sexual harassment. JB: Oh really, and what's the penalty for that? MP: It's Death penalty JB: Oh gently caress! Oh poo poo -------------------- M: I say... what in god's name is Mr. Bond doing??? Q: It looks like he's attempting to re-insert his semi-flaccid dingdong into that lady's cumsoaked vagina, Sir! M: That's gross as poo poo, turn it off, I don't want to see that! Q: Now let's just wait and see first if he's gonna bust another nut in that box M: I don't need to know that Q Q: Or if he just gonna jack off all over them big flappy titties haha m: Mr. Q turn it off right this instant!!! Q: I tell you what, I'll save it to disk then we can all watch it together later M: I don't wanna do that -------------------- Mr. Bond: Mr. Bartender I would like to order a drink please Bartender: Yes... Well, what will it be? Bond: Hm... Do you have a menu? Bartender: Certainly, here you go. Bond: Hm... Gosh, a lot of stuff on here. Lot of pricey stuff, huh... Do you have any recommendations? Bartender: Well, the whisky upon the rocks is a classic Bond: No I don't like that. Too smokey. Makes me burp a lot. Maybe this here with pineapple and rum. Bartender: Certainly. Bond: Actually you know what I'm driving, do you have anything without alcohol? Bartender: We have a variety of fruit drinks if you like pineapple. Bond: Hm. I'll have a coke thanks. -------------------- Banker: Please play your cards Jb: my dick is having a major boaner right now look lmao Mr. Fancyman: Mr. James, please, we are trying to play Baccarach here JB: Yeah, and i'm tryna get laid here. Anyone got any weed? -------------------- Mr. Scaramanga: Aha, Mr. James Bônd, it is I, Mr. Scarymanga, and I will shoot you today. Unless... you shoot me first??? Mr. Bons: Huh? Scraramanga: If I shoot you first, I win, if the other way around, you win. Bond: Doesn't make sense Scarmanger: It is a contest to see who is the greatest marksman in the world Bond: Literally don't know what half of those words mean? Mr. S: A duel! A fight to the death! Mano a mano! Bond: Oh! Look buddy... I actually boofed a whole bottle of wine before, so... -------------------- James: Oh Ms. Lady Cooterhaver, please make love to me on this night, sexually Lady C: No Jams: Please, my lady, for I am madly in love with thee Lady C: I won't to do it james: But please, look, mine balles have grown blue from lack of precious stimuli LC: I REFUSE! Jame: gently caress Q: poo poo!! -------------------- M: Mr. James Bon you are going to prison. 007: Ah, infiltrating a criminal organisation am I? Need a man on the inside eh? Hehe, loving this plan already. Love penetrating stuff. And being inside stuff lmao here it comes again, the boner M: No Mr Bond you are going to prison because of the unlicensed crimes you did 007: Oh no!
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Nov 15, 2020 20:12
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 19:16 |
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JAMES BONT is on a table with a laserbeam slowly working its way towards his crotch Bont: Do you expect me to talk? Coldfinger: No, Mr. Bont, I expect you to die! *the laser reaches James Bont's balls and he screams in agony as his balls are torn asunder by the laser and then he dies* Coldfinger: heh
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Nov 15, 2020 20:30
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Q: James, now pay attention. This watch features a microchip enhanced magnet that can repel or attract nearby metal objects with tremendous force. You can use it to steal keys from guards, or propel a coin with the lethal force of a bullet! *Bond uses the watch to sexually assault a nearby lab tech* Q: son of a bitch
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Nov 15, 2020 20:36
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VH: “hello sir my name is vagina humongous” JB: “Bond, James Bond” VH: “Huh? Why did you say it like that?” JB: “Whatcha mean sweet tits?” VH: “Your name. Just say ‘James Bond’ also Sweet Tits is my sister and that’s offensive. Please show yourself out.” JB: “Don’t you tell me what to do, devil woman.” /chugs antifreeze
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Nov 15, 2020 20:58
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more like James Nonce
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Nov 15, 2020 21:40
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Da na na na! (James bond theme)
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Nov 15, 2020 21:45
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Eazi Floozi (while loving): oh, oh, oh, James, I'm coming! EF (angry): Why did you stop? JB: The female orgasm is a myth.
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Nov 16, 2020 02:11
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No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to eat my rear end!
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Nov 16, 2020 02:16
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what's the one where he fights the soviet union and has sex?
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Nov 16, 2020 02:19
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Q: Here is your new stealthy pistol, James. It's all plastic so you can smuggle through metal detectors no problem. Even the bullets are plastic! Bond: Yes but I'm trying to infiltrate a pool party. It's far too large to hide in my trunks, Q. Q: You're quite right, and that's why it folds up for rectal concealment. Bond: Very clever, but what if I need to get to it in a hurry? *Q bends over and a large muzzle flash erupts from his backside, blasting a clean hole through the forehead of a mannequin downrange* Bond: Outstanding work, Q.
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Nov 16, 2020 02:35
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M: And just who is this? Moneypenny: They call him Oddblowjob sir, an expert in unorthodox oral sex assassination techniques. Observe. *A diminuitive Asian man enters the room. He removes his mouth from his face and throws it across the room. Agent Bond, chained to the wall, is the target.* Bond: You fiend! Do you expect me to talk?? Never! *The disembodied mouth chews through the groin of 007's trousers and disembowels him.* Bond: uearghhhhh!!! *Oddblowjob's mouth returns to him like a boomerang. He slaps it back onto his face and cracks his neck menacingly.* M: Moneypenny, hire that man.
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Nov 16, 2020 02:46
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Honneur et Patrie 
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Q: Mr. Bond if you press above the 10 and 7 on your wrist watch it will shoot a dart laced with a powerful paralytic neurotoxin, ceasing all motor function for up to 7 hours. It is accurate up to 15 yards. Bond: Excellent work, Q. I can see myself getting quite a lot of use out of this. Q: It doesn't work on women. Bond: ... Q: ... Bond: This is horseshit!!
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Nov 16, 2020 02:46
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Bond: Well well. If it isn't you. Dr. Octoberfest. My Name is James. James Bond. James Bond Sr. Actually I have a son. This is my girlfriend Tittie Cumfetish. She's not his mother. Dr. O: Hello Band. Tittie and I are...well acquainted... Bond: gently caress. Tittie: poo poo. Bond: drat. Dr O: Congratulations Captain Bund. I have the virus.
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Nov 16, 2020 03:20
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Bond: Dr. Octoberfest. We meet again. Dr. O: Yes Jim we scheduled this appointment last time we met in March, you're due for your cleaning. My nurse, Mons Vulva will be assisting us today. Bond: ...Not on your LIFE Mons: Dr? Dr. O: Mister Brand, please, this will be covered under your insurance as you discussed with Ms Vulva orally Bond: Ok.
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Nov 16, 2020 03:26
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Mons: Dr. Octoberfests office what can I do with it? Bond: Hello. This is James Bond calling, I came for a little visit last week, you...might remember me? Mons: Spell the last name please? Bond: *angrily* Bond. James Bond. B-O-N... Mons: Yes Mr. Bland we see you were in last week to see Dr. Octoberfest. Bond: Yes. I know that. You know that. He knows that. Dr. Octoberfest is....listen to me... Mons: Can you hold for just a moment Mr. Bind? Bond: What?! *theme music from octopussy plays over phone* Mons: I'm sorry Mr. Bindle Dr. Octoberfest is busy at the moment. Bond: No! I don't need to speak with Dr. Octob...this is about BILLING Mons: Oh, I'm sorry then you'll need to speak to our billing department would you like me to transfer you?
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Nov 16, 2020 03:39
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Q: Mr. Bond the surgery was a complete success. The subdermal ballistic-fiber scrotal mesh implant had made your testicles completely impervious to most rope-based attacks. Would you like to test it out ? Bond: Absolutely, I don't want to ever be in a situation where a rope knot is crushing my balls ever again. *Q punches Bond in the nards, Bond keels over in pain and vomits* Q: lol there's no such thing as a kevlar nutsack implant idiot.
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Nov 16, 2020 03:42
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo0d1zTAFKA Sean you know maybe don't double down? Duck and Cover fucked around with this message at 04:47 on Nov 16, 2020 |
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Nov 16, 2020 04:19
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Idiot Kicker posted:what's the one where he fights the soviet union and has sex? that's... harder than you might expect, the soviet union itself is hardly ever the enemy in james bond movies.
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Nov 16, 2020 05:06
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James: Remember when I put on some fake eyelids to look japanese? Well this time I made myself african, look. Q: Goddamnit 007
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Nov 16, 2020 05:38
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No Mr. Bond, this is not "poggers".
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Nov 16, 2020 05:57
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Mooey Cow posted:Mr. Bond: Mr. Bartender I would like to order a drink please Bartender: Is Pepsi OK? Bond: Yeah, Pepsi's fine.
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Nov 16, 2020 08:12
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Barman, I'll have a martini, three measures of gordons, one of vodka and half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shaken, not stirred Waiter, I'll have a steak charred to rubber, with lots of ketchup Jaguars! fucked around with this message at 09:09 on Nov 16, 2020 |
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Nov 16, 2020 09:03
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007: Perhaps we can go to your room and get more...acquainted. Woman: Mr. Bond I am a lesbian. 007: That's alright for a greek woman you're still very attractive.
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Nov 16, 2020 09:47
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Mooey Cow posted:
God drat it Archer
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Nov 16, 2020 10:06
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Farmer Crack-rear end posted:that's... harder than you might expect, the soviet union itself is hardly ever the enemy in james bond movies. I think For Your Eyes Only has them going after some macguffin that gets destroyed at the end of the movie, and the soviets literally shrug and go 'oh well, you win this one' and go home
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Nov 16, 2020 13:38
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Ernst Stavro Lindsay Graham: "you'll find that my lady bugs get very hungry"
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Nov 16, 2020 13:44
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Moneypenny: Good evening, James James Bond: Ah, Ms. Moneypenny. You look wonderful tonight. Are you going out later to stand on the street corner, selling yourself to strangers in exchange for money and/or pennies? M: Did you, er, call me by my first name? Bond: No. No, I did not. Is that the price of my services? For every phone call you make, I’m required to learn your name? M: Oh. That’s unfortunate. Bond: Oh, well. You’re lucky I remembered it, then. I’m not a terribly bright guy. M: Thank you for your help, James. Bond: Er, if you insist. I’m going out later to meet someone. If you don’t hear from me, it’s not because I’ve been shot, or even killed. I’ve gone out for cigarettes. M: Right.
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Nov 16, 2020 14:08
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Bond: Ah Monneypenny...how are you. Monneypenny: What are you doing? Bond: I'm giving you a smoldering look...is it...working? Monneypenny: Damnit Bond we had a seminar about this. Bond: Oh, don't give me that toots. M *walking in*: Whaaaat did you say? Bond: Oh poo poo... Q *in the corner*: I heard him say it as well Monneypenny! Bond: Oh gently caress!
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Nov 16, 2020 14:10
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*from the steamy bowels of a super villain compound, Bond holds a man at gunpoint and hollers* Bond: Dr. Octoberfest! I've got your man! Dr. O: Oh?! Bond: He says his name is Dick Schute! And he holds the keys to your empire! Dr. O: ...Hah! Haha! Mr. Blonde! Why don't you wreck him! Wreck my Dick Schute and see where that gets you! *gun fire* Bond: ...I've filled your...Dick Schute with my HOT load, Doctor, and I'm coming for you next! Dr. O: You have about 15 minutes, Mr. Blind. Bond: If you're lucky.
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Nov 16, 2020 14:18
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Ainta Virginia: Mr. Bond this is highly inappropriate. Bond: What...the way I'm touching you? You know you want it babe. AV: Mr. Bond I am a married woman! Bond: That doesn't matter in here. Q *barging in* : Sorry ma'am! We're trying to get... HEEL! *pulls out a spray bottle and sprays Bond* Bond recoils from the woman and whines as he scrambles into a corner. Q: Again...terribly ---STAY STAAAAY--- *raises bottle menacingly and Bond whines pitifully* terribly sorry we're trying to teach him to behave. AV *affronted*: Well maybe you should give him a cone and a leash until he learns. Q's eyes twinkle and he looks at Bond who whines and curls into the corner.
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Nov 16, 2020 14:19
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This is just basically James Bond being an actual English aristocrat
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Nov 16, 2020 14:21
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*Bond approaches a desert temple and then wades through a tangle of thorns to the entrance* Bond: Miserly Comings, I presume? MC: Ah, Mr. Ond. I hope you don't mind the tight passage. I've been self-exploring my tunnel, here for some time. Bond: Not at all. We should, perhaps, gape these walls... MC: Yes and moisten the inner workings, I know. I've meant to do so, it's on my flick list. Bond: *uninterested and looking upward* Is this a bean, ol chap? * stroking it verociously*
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Nov 16, 2020 15:23
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 Nice try, Mr. Bond.
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Nov 16, 2020 15:24
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Bomb: Creates stinky bubbles in jacuzzi tub. Puffy Fuhjayjay: Flaps arms and splashes water while pouting "How dare you break wind before me?!?" Bomb: Smirk mischievously into camera "EWWW BEHAVE!!"
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Nov 16, 2020 15:38
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Entire 2 hour film is Bond working his way through a bottle of vodka, tearfully jerking off to Eva Green deepfakes. He seems to prefer the interracial ones.
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Nov 16, 2020 16:04
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M: “When someone says 'we have people everywhere', you expect it to be hyperbole. Lots of people say that. Florists use that expression. It doesn't mean there's somebody working for them inside the bloody room! What is this organization, Bond? How can they be everywhere and we know nothing about them?” JB: “Cocksuckers. Fuckin’ Blofeld and them all. Cha, man. They chase me around for five months, man. Bumbaclot man. I said, me and him, ya raasclat bumbaclot. Leave me alone, man. They got five months man, and then trying to tell me ‘well, we’re counter-surveilling the guy.’ You know what I mean? He’s hiding here, I’m’a hide here. I’m’a—oh, we don’t—gently caress off.”
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Nov 16, 2020 16:20
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Femme Fatale: Hello, handsome, my name is Labia Moist, what's yo- Bond Shapiro: That's absolutely disgusting. Labia: Excuse me. Bond Shapiro: According to my wife, who is as we all know a doctor, has diagnosed wet rear end... P-words as being caused by extreme infections of that area. Labia: What? That's insane, the vagina self lubricates for many rea- Bond Shapiro: Let's suppose, for the sake of argument, but let's suppose that a woman, a biological woman mind you, really did have a wet rear end p-word. Who finds that? Attractive? Nobody. It's absolutely degenerate.
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Nov 16, 2020 16:26
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Double Aught Agent: "They taught me in Double Aught School that piss is stored in the balls". J: "One of these days I'm gonna have to have a loooong talk with that boy".
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Nov 16, 2020 16:30
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the name is Bong
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Nov 16, 2020 16:36
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 19:16 |
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Bond: The name is Bond. James Bond. Waiter: Hello mister Bond James Bond. Follow me to your table mister Bond James Bond. Bond: What...I...no Waiter: Please take a seat mister Bond James Bond as I announce you mister Bond James Bond. Bond:Stop it. Waiter: EVERYBODY, PLEASE WELCOME MISTER BOND JAMES BOND A PRETENTIOUS LITTLE BOY WITH A GIANT EGO. Blofeld: Haha what a loser. Bond *cries*
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Nov 16, 2020 17:07
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