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Knormal
Nov 11, 2001

Your mattress is stealing your soul.

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Beefed Owl
Sep 13, 2007

Come at me scrub-lord I'm ripped!

The Real Amethyst posted:

Alright then smarty pants show me your mattress.

Infact, I want to see all of your mattresses for comparison.

Cowards! :colbert:

The Real Amethyst
Apr 20, 2018

When no one was looking, Serval took forty Japari buns. She took 40 buns. That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible.
:hmmyes:
Plump pillow
Good lumbar support
Curved to support slight coiling
Additional tail support
Trusses designed by a rollercoaster engineer.
Snake/10

Lord Frankenstyle
Dec 3, 2005

Mmmm,
You smell like Lysol Wipes.

Collapsing Farts
Jun 29, 2018

💀
Sweat, and like, fatty secretions from your disgusting body. Same thing happens to my pillows, though that might be more drool than sweat

That's why civilized men have a cover over the mattress to absorb that crap, so you can easily clean it

Chumbawumba4ever97
Dec 31, 2000

by Fluffdaddy

The Real Amethyst posted:

Maybe thats why I struggle to stay awake during the day.

I shower twice a day!

Wow that makes sense.. Years of sweat and salt. Wonder if I could mine it or something.

Serious post; get checked for sleep apnea.

Stevie Lee
Oct 8, 2007
OP, have you tried cleaning it at all? that's gross af

i fell asleep with a beer bottle in my hand once and spilled so much that some of it went through the washable "waterproof" mattress protector i use. i was able to clean it off the next morning fairly easily with a hot, damp washcloth. please at least make an effort, you deserve a clean mattress

also if you're in the market to replace that disgusting one, 10/10 would recommend the brooklyn bedding signature hybrid. still feels brand new after two years of heavy use and i sleep like a baby every night

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019

Sir Not Appearing posted:

Op, what country do you live in? If they still sell foods with Olestra, maybe your butthole is leaking slowly. So maybe you've never completely poo poo the bed, but browned your mattress slowly over time.

gently caress this might be a eureka moment for me

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013

Jasus Christ posted:

gently caress this might be a eureka moment for me

Sounds more like a....



"You-LEAK-a" moment, to me!

*giant comedic drum roll*

HAmbONE
May 11, 2004

I know where the XBox is!!
Smellrose
Have you ever seen a medical professional for Anemia? You may have hyperhydrosis and anemia from sweating out your iron. It's the same reason some people can't wear white because it yellows.

The Real Amethyst
Apr 20, 2018

When no one was looking, Serval took forty Japari buns. She took 40 buns. That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible.

HAmbONE posted:

Have you ever seen a medical professional for Anemia? You may have hyperhydrosis and anemia from sweating out your iron. It's the same reason some people can't wear white because it yellows.

I have only recently, not for anemia but I had a full blood planel done and all my bloods are A-okay.
I'm also 99% sure I do not have sleep apnoea.

Maybe I'll record myself sleeping to find out.

ShortyMR.CAT
Sep 25, 2008

:blastu::dogcited:
Lipstick Apathy
my mattress smells of dog and degree for men

pnumoman
Sep 26, 2008

I never get the last word, and it makes me very sad.
You just need to change your bedsheets more often and rotate your mattress on some sort of schedule

Tarkus
Aug 27, 2000

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BzcMBWucno

HugeGrossBurrito
Mar 20, 2018
lol

BAGS FLY AT NOON
Apr 6, 2011

ShortyMR.CAT posted:

my mattress smells of dog and degree for men

:hmmyes:

Weka
May 5, 2019

That child totally had it coming. Nobody should be able to be out at dusk except cars.
That's just where you put your head? There's a lot of fluids that can come out your head, bike or other vomit stuff, boogers, pimple juice, ear boogers, eye boogers, interstitial fluid, blood, pus, you name it, it can leak from your head. Even cum depending on what you have been up to.
My suggestion is to put down a white cloth and collect one days worth of this mystery substance for analysis. It should be easier to deduce the source of your noxious nocturnal emissions when the fresh fluid does not mix with the foul and noisome crust that seems to bubble as if hell itself threatens to burst from your mattress.

My prediction however is that OP is engaging in some degenerate perversion they are failing to tell us about, considering it a normal part of an everyday person's life.

That strange guy
Dec 14, 2014

It's not strange if we never mention it again.

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO
Feb 28, 1985



Blessed

Buttchocks
Oct 21, 2020

No, I like my hat, thanks.
Sleep in the bathtub

Moon Atari
Dec 26, 2010

Not only should you use a waterproof mattress protector, you should also have a waterproof pillow protector so you aren't exhaling/sweating/drooling through the pillowcase and into an absorbent substance that is often held at a warm temperature by your body heat, creating the perfect petri dish for things you would rather not be inhaling/rubbing all over your face skin.

CPL593H
Oct 28, 2009

I know what you did last summer, and frankly I am displeased.

ShortyMR.CAT posted:

my mattress smells of dog and degree for men

Who the gently caress puts deodorant on their dog?

Lossy Compression
Sep 29, 2019

Hooked On A Feeling

Moon Atari posted:

Not only should you use a waterproof mattress protector, you should also have a waterproof pillow protector ...

We should all be sleeping on yoga mats wrapped in plastic, with a healthy sheen of Vaseline to keep it airtight. Pool noodles for pillows and tarps for blankets, then nothing can get stained.

I'm with OP here, I buy a nice mattress because I want to feel the nice mattress, not layers of crinkly/crunchy bullshit. What are these "mattress protectors" people speak of?

I know of only two: the waterproof things that feel and sound like sleeping on bag of chips, and these memory foam pad abominations that obscure the properties of the mattress I'm trying to enjoy.

Are there others?

OP, maybe flip the mattress again and, if you can tolerate it, put a big towel under the sheet. Check the towel over time and see if it's taking the damage instead of the mattress.

The Real Amethyst
Apr 20, 2018

When no one was looking, Serval took forty Japari buns. She took 40 buns. That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible.

Lossy Compression posted:

We should all be sleeping on yoga mats wrapped in plastic, with a healthy sheen of Vaseline to keep it airtight. Pool noodles for pillows and tarps for blankets, then nothing can get stained.

I'm with OP here, I buy a nice mattress because I want to feel the nice mattress, not layers of crinkly/crunchy bullshit. What are these "mattress protectors" people speak of?

I know of only two: the waterproof things that feel and sound like sleeping on bag of chips, and these memory foam pad abominations that obscure the properties of the mattress I'm trying to enjoy.

Are there others?

OP, maybe flip the mattress again and, if you can tolerate it, put a big towel under the sheet. Check the towel over time and see if it's taking the damage instead of the mattress.

:yeah:

You know what.. maybe I like sleeping on my mound of filth. I like my mattress texture!
Besides I can't even see it with a sheet on.

Death to mattress protectors.

I can't flip it however as it's a one sided mattress.

Jippa
Feb 13, 2009
It's definitely bed bugs. That is their *ahem* excrement. I know this very well from travelling around backpacker places in thailand.

Look into getting some spray and hoovering everywhere around/under your bed.

No Pants
Dec 10, 2000

Lossy Compression posted:

Are there others?

Yeah, there are soft ones now that also have a variety of cloth-like textures on the top. I got mine from IKEA.

Moon Atari
Dec 26, 2010

Lossy Compression posted:

Are there others?


Modern waterproof mattress and pillow protectors have an inner soft plastic layer and an outer fabric layer. You can't feel they are there and they don't make any noise. They have additional benefits if you have memory foam stuff and live in a hot climate, since it provides slightly more of a buffer between your body heat and the memory foam.

You might be familiar with the rubbery or crinkly hospital style ones, but those are usually a part of the mattress and pillow rather than an overlay, and they are only necessary if whatever night time fluid emmisions you have are severe enough that you require a full bedding strip everyday or you are trying to maintain hospital sanitation procedures (which must be both more stringent and more time efficient than at home procedures).

Commie Lasorda
May 15, 2009

IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!

CPL593H posted:

Who the gently caress puts deodorant on their dog?

People who have sweaty dogs, duh

Docteur
Jan 4, 2019

Lossy Compression posted:

We should all be sleeping on yoga mats wrapped in plastic, with a healthy sheen of Vaseline to keep it airtight. Pool noodles for pillows and tarps for blankets, then nothing can get stained.

I'm with OP here, I buy a nice mattress because I want to feel the nice mattress, not layers of crinkly/crunchy bullshit. What are these "mattress protectors" people speak of?

I know of only two: the waterproof things that feel and sound like sleeping on bag of chips, and these memory foam pad abominations that obscure the properties of the mattress I'm trying to enjoy.

Are there others?

OP, maybe flip the mattress again and, if you can tolerate it, put a big towel under the sheet. Check the towel over time and see if it's taking the damage instead of the mattress.

As someone who nosebleeds a lot, I've had the utmost pleasure of experiencing the rise in protector technology in the last 15 years.

Let me tell you, Big Mattress has come a long way

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
Sleeping on your own mound of filth is good for your immune system :colbert:

I am Toni Lippi
Aug 16, 2004
you've got to wash yo rear end

poverty goat
Feb 15, 2004



it's mostly blood and pus from your bacne/rear end zits, op

Lossy Compression
Sep 29, 2019

Hooked On A Feeling

Colonel Cancer posted:

Sleeping on your own mound of filth is good for your immune system :colbert:

:hmmyes: Sounds legit. These human bodies, I swear. Sweat, oils, blood, *other fluids*, hadn't even thought of nosebleeds. We can't even be unconscious without making a mess.

Free Cheese
Sep 16, 2005
Come on, it's free
Buglord
Looks well seasoned to me, it took me several years to properly season my cast iron pan

Klyith
Aug 3, 2007

GBS Pledge Week

Lossy Compression posted:

I'm with OP here, I buy a nice mattress because I want to feel the nice mattress, not layers of crinkly/crunchy bullshit. What are these "mattress protectors" people speak of?

I know of only two: the waterproof things that feel and sound like sleeping on bag of chips, and these memory foam pad abominations that obscure the properties of the mattress I'm trying to enjoy.

a regular mattress pad is neither of these. the standard quilted pad is regular fabric and some polyester fill for padding. it's like a cheap blanket between the sheet and the mattress.

normal non-waterproof ones are just as breathable as the mattress is. but they get all the sweat and body oil that goes through your sheets before it gets to the mattress and are washable. and you only need to take the pad off to wash it every 3-6 weeks since it's not in direct contact. (downside, they're bulky and can take up nearly a whole wash load by themselves)

waterproof ones don't breathe even if they're high quality so I would not choose a waterproof one unless someone has incontinence problems or a very exciting sex life



also besides protecting the mattress from your filth, they protect your sheets from the matrress. mattress tops are made from materials chosen more for strength than being perfectly smooth, so they're rougher than normal cloth. a mattress pad doesn't wear on the cotton sheets as much. the layer of loose poly fill adds a bit of give so when you toss and turn the bottom sheets don't bunch up. your good sheets will last longer.

Dandywalken
Feb 11, 2014

No this cant be right. The goon with the steven universe name cant enjoy laying in their own filth, its not possible.......

Lossy Compression
Sep 29, 2019

Hooked On A Feeling

Klyith posted:

a regular mattress pad is neither of these. the standard quilted pad is regular fabric and some polyester fill for padding. it's like a cheap blanket between the sheet and the mattress.

Thanks for the education, guys. My mattress isn't as well seasoned as OP's -- not that there's anything wrong with that!

An unnoticeable, washable pad to absorb my cooties sounds pretty good. Who knew?

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
I'll be a millionaire when I invent the double magnum mattress condom

Mrs. Sexual
Feb 3, 2020

Klyith posted:

a regular mattress pad is neither of these. the standard quilted pad is regular fabric and some polyester fill for padding. it's like a cheap blanket between the sheet and the mattress.

normal non-waterproof ones are just as breathable as the mattress is. but they get all the sweat and body oil that goes through your sheets before it gets to the mattress and are washable. and you only need to take the pad off to wash it every 3-6 weeks since it's not in direct contact. (downside, they're bulky and can take up nearly a whole wash load by themselves)

waterproof ones don't breathe even if they're high quality so I would not choose a waterproof one unless someone has incontinence problems or a very exciting sex life



also besides protecting the mattress from your filth, they protect your sheets from the matrress. mattress tops are made from materials chosen more for strength than being perfectly smooth, so they're rougher than normal cloth. a mattress pad doesn't wear on the cotton sheets as much. the layer of loose poly fill adds a bit of give so when you toss and turn the bottom sheets don't bunch up. your good sheets will last longer.

You know a lot about pads, and appreciate that.

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That strange guy
Dec 14, 2014

It's not strange if we never mention it again.
gently caress off burt

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