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Progject
Apr 23, 2006



Everyone loves those crap films they show on TV throughout Christmas all day. Let's come up with ideas for more.

My Smelly Christmas
Two guys have competed to see who can rip the biggest fart since college. Now they're fully grown adults and our main protagonist is a family man with the other guy being a goony single guy that never quite got his act together! After some pressure from Main Protagonist's wife, he agrees to have Other Guy over for Christmas and so they each decide, in private, to be the one that rips the hugest fart at the Christmas dinner table.

It culminates in a fight breaking out, climaxing with the Christmas turkey being thrown out the window and the fight breaking out into the street before the entire neighbourhood.

The two end up facing off on the street, gearing up for a fart-off, but the main protagonist looks around and sees his kids, the kids on the street, the cops who have shown up and all the people. It reminds him of the spirit of Christmas and he smiles walks away. Just as it looks like the conflict is resolved, the other guy decides to rip a serious fart, in a hilarious scene that zooms out showing the Earth from space to show we can see the fart cloud. An astronaut floats by the camera and can smell it etc.

Everyone is disgusted and the Other Guy is arrested. At the end, Main Protagonist comes to bail out Other Guy and is all "Hey, man, it's not midnight yet, it's still Christmas old pal" and they walk out of the police station together. Main Protagonist says "so how many eggs did you really eat back there?" And it ends on a Christmas song played over a blooper reel.

Now your turn!

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Halloween Liker
Oct 31, 2020



Two Guys go to college to become lawyers , they live together. They get jobs as mall Santas. But they are ghosts.

Mooey Cow
Jan 27, 2018



Pillbug

Bad Santa 3: Just the Worst Santa
You thought Bad Santa 2 was bad well get ready cause this Claus is one bad mother. When waking up one day covered in cocaine and digestive juices, he decides enough is enough. Santa is going to be the baddest Santa the world has ever seen: He is going to go back in time and stop Hitler! In a sex and alcohol fueled frenzy he constructs a time machine and goes back in time to 1930s Germany. Unfortunately Hitler is nowhere to be found, so he decides to wait it out and uses his knowledge of the future to get laid a whole lot. A few years and a whole bunch of really bad decisions later, he realizes he was Hitler all along, the worst person there is, and he shoots himself.

William Henry Hairytaint
Oct 29, 2011



An Alaskan bushmaster is forced to become a hero when he stumbles upon an ANTIFA plot to introduce heroin to Santa's elves

gleebster
Dec 16, 2006

Only a howler

Pillbug

A family have a mild argument over whether to serve ham or turkey as the Christmas dinner. In the end, they invite the neighbors, who have been laid off, to dinner and make both.

Mooey Cow
Jan 27, 2018



Pillbug

River City Ransom
Two buff dudes take some crazy pills and rampage through the city in search of the one dude's girlfriend who was kidnapped by a buff dude from the bad side of town. In their rampage they go totally ape poo poo beating people up, throwing them into cars and blowing everything up. Blood and body parts flying everywhere. It's set during Christmas time and it's snowing in the end scene. It's fondly remembered years later as the perfect Christmas movie.

Halloween Liker
Oct 31, 2020



Two 40 year old Japanese noise musicians are forced to get a regional US school choir they adopted to mentor while on a 3 day methamphetamine binge and forgot all about to the grand finals of the state wide school choir competition all the while burdened by the fact they believe they are actually reincarnations of two particular famous Drug Lords because they are members of Brujeria heavy drug gang based in Central America.

On Christmas eve.

dr.acula
May 9, 2009

Billions and billions of fat clouds



Santa comes down the chimney one night but comes down with such sudden horrible diarrhea he has to start making GBS threads right then and there in the chimney. Santa is making GBS threads onto the floor of the chimney for hours, which takes place in realtime for the movie and the sake of the audience, until the family finally comes downstairs to enjoy Christmas morning at which point Santa zoops up the chimney in classic Santa lightspeed before the family can make rhyme or reason of what in heavens gently caress smells so bad in the livingroom. Being left a massive pile of poo poo leaking out onto the floor, Christmas is ruined for them and the rest of everyone on else on earth because Santa had the diarrhea and only delivered to a handful of houses. Please becareful not to leave food that can lead to diarrhea out for Santa please be considerate of the other families that will no longer be enjoying xmas, thank you.

gleebster
Dec 16, 2006

Only a howler

Pillbug

The Cohen family get up late. After a relaxed breakfast, they go to a movie. Afterwards, they get dim sum.

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013


Santa is dead.

However, a Vulcan is going to fill in for him in the most illogical of circumstances, knowing only that he's duty bound to fulfill this tradition.
His elves are a greedy bunch of Ferengi that he needs to convince to keep in order

Waltzing Along
Jun 14, 2008

There's only one
Human race
Many faces
Everybody belongs here

Santa is a woman. And all her elves are POC. And then something about how all white men are bad and are ruining christmas.

Farmer Crack-Ass
Jan 2, 2001

~this is me posting irl~


another one of those same old, worn out stories where ~santa gets kidnapped~, and...

Frank Frank
Jun 13, 2001

Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of "meh"

A dimwitted former reality show host and an elderly former mayor who has dementia and enjoys eating his own boogers on live television team up with a disinterested Russian prostitute to save Christmas from ANTIFA.

Naturally, they fail horribly and Santa is guillotined in Times Square to the raucous cheers of a million illegal immigrants.

Fade to black over a giant burning pentacle with a chorus of goats singing “Oh Come All Ye Faithful”

Outpost22
Oct 11, 2012


William Henry Hairytaint posted:

An Alaskan bushmaster is forced to become a hero when he stumbles upon an ANTIFA plot to introduce heroin to Santa's elves

Santa gives away stuff each year freely, he's definitely a dirty socialist. MAGA chugs should be the antagonist

Lucky Guy
Jan 24, 2013

TY for no bm



This Ain't Christmas - A XXX Parody - Santa has one night to cuckold every man on earth.



This actually probably exists already, doesn't it?

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

I thought it was time you had a new av so typed in random picture and this is what came up


Santa gets covid and being several centuries old and obese, his survival isn't likely. The elves take the opportunity to unionize and take down their oppressor while he's at his weakest

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

I thought it was time you had a new av so typed in random picture and this is what came up


Because this movie is aimed at American audiences, the socialist elf upstarts are soundly defeated, the union busted and Santa recovers fully thanks to a Not Amazon owner and billionaire genius's singlehanded effort to create a vaccine in exchange for presents every year.

SilvergunSuperman
Aug 6, 2010



Jesus (chris pratt) is ressurected just in time for Christmas and begins the second coming by recruiting the faithful, but is gunned down in a home invasion misunderstanding by a patriot (scott baio) who must assume the crown (of thorns.)

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

you can call
but I seldom answer after all





An Uber driver is working on Christmas Day to try to afford the gift his daughter wants the most, insulin. He looks at the small amount of money he's making throughout the day with sadness, but understands that being classified as an employee and earning more would not only limit his personal freedom, but would also be unfair to his bosses, who were generous enough to give him this opportunity. He makes an impassioned plea to his supervisor, who, moved, organizes a donation drive for him. In the end, the money is pooled, and the driver is presented with a 20% off coupon for the local pharmacy.

Uber Technologies presents Dean Cain in "Capitalism for Christmas", starring Kevin Sorbo as the pharmacist

gleebster
Dec 16, 2006

Only a howler

Pillbug

A team of topless Japanese pearl divers are recruited to pull off a jewel heist on a billionaire's yacht. Unbeknownst to them, the billionaire is aware of the plot and is planning to capture the pearl divers and extract their glands to rejuvenate him. Can an undercover tax authority agent posing as a yeoman not only prevent the murders but also nail the billionaire for not declaring millions in income?

Oh, and at the end they go out for fried chicken.

Relax Or DIE
May 8, 2006

Hey, everybody. I'm a stupid gamer with an ugly gamer and a big gamer and my gamer smells, and I like to kiss my own gamer.

it's Christmas

Nefarious 2.0
Apr 22, 2008

Offense is overrated anyway.



santa tries to piss but cum comes out

Frankenstyle
Dec 3, 2005



Progject posted:


My Smelly Christmas


Isn't that a franchise featuring Jason Bateman and Ed Helms?

phasmid
Jan 16, 2015

Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY


Goodbye, Mr. Christmas

An atheist police state outlaws all forms of religion. Jesus comes back and is shot to death by SWAT. Two dudes suck eachother off through the whole movie and in the end Mohammed comes back as Lassie. Merry Ex-Mass.

dee eight
Dec 18, 2002

The Spirit
of Maynard



the ghost of herman cain visits the white house on xmas eve and rattles some chains. the first lady says a bad word. don jr says dad bless us. the end.

Supreme Allah
Oct 6, 2004

working from home


Nap Ghost

after forgetting his anniversary and a poor evaluation from his boss, Santa has to save his job, salvage his relationship with Mrs Clause and deliver 2 billion presents, all in one crazy night

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD

Ok so get this, it's Christmas in two days and a father is away doing work and has to get home in time for Christmas but here's where it gets exciting - it's snowing and so stuff is closed which makes it hard for him to get home in time.

Linux Pirate
Apr 21, 2012

Well, there goes our grant money.





Santa: Clause of Survival

Santa, having just finished his work in Russia flies to Japan. He is eager to deliver delicious buckets of KFC to the jolly people of Japan. As Santa leaves Russian airspace crossing over to Chinese airspace things seem to be going off without a hitch. It appears to be another smooth flight for Father Christmas.

As Santa left Chinese airspace and crossed over into North Korean Airspace, all seems well. Unbeknownst to Santa, a North Korean KN-06 surface to air missile system picked up a sleigh shaped blip on the radar. Knowing that Santa oppresses the proletariat and is in direct opposition with the ideology of Juche, the operator, without hesitation fires on Santa and his eight tiny reindeer. The missile hurls towards the sleigh and in seconds takes out Rudolph along with Donner and Blitzen. Rodolph's nose, still glowing, fades down through the clouds. Santa's sleigh, unable to sustain flight with just six reindeer begin plummeting to earth. He is able to keep enough control to glide to a crash landing. Santa was knocked unconscious.

He woke up. It was still night, he calculated he'd must've been out for, at most half-an-hour. He looked to the reindeer. Prancer and Cupid were dead, the rest had all had broken legs. Santa cried "Dohohoh". His belly shook like a bowl full of aspic made from despair. "I'll be back my dear friends" knowing in the back of his mind this would probably be that last time he would lay eye on his beloved reindeer.

He wondered the forest for a while till he came the outskirts of a town. There he saw a little starving girl, tiring to pick something, anything of value or food from a creek. Santa approached the little girl. Santa being immortal and knowing every tongue, alive and dead, approached the girl and asked in a warm but strained voice "I've crashed and don't know where I am, can you help me?" The girl, weary at first said "T--This is Kaesong. Who are you?" ("What luck I'm not far from the JSA" he thought to himself) Santa then replied "Why I'm Father Christmas, Santa Claus! I bring gifts and joy and consumerism. What might your name be little girl?" She answered "Eun, I'm an orphan and have no home." "That's awful! If you help me I can get to the JSA I can promise you food and gifts and an adoptive family in the south." "That is dangerous, I don't know if I can. If I am seen with you I will be shot."

Just then a military patrol vehicle approached. A Soldier got out and pointed his Type 70 pistol at Eun. "What are you doing out little girl? You're not allowed to wander" Eun turned to Santa but he was no where to be seen. Eun Stricken with fear, blinded by the headlights began to stammer. Then she saw a fat red figure appear behind the soldier. It was Santa! He held in his hand a glass coca-cola bottle. He raised it up and then struck it with such force on the back of the soldiers head, that it shattered the glass, lodging a shard onto the soldiers spinal column leaving him paralyzed to bleed out. He dropped like a sack of potatoes. Santa grabbed the pistol and told Eun to get in. He handed her the pistol telling her to shoot any soldiers they may pass. Santa grabbed the Type 58 assault rifle from the gun rack in the rear of the vehicle and inserted a magazine, setting the gun on his lap. He began to drive to the DMZ.

Things went smoothly until they hit the first checkpoint. Santa floored it and readied his gun and told Eun to do the same. They both pointed their guns out of the windows. The guards, seeing the vehicle speeding towards them readied to shoot. Santa, steading the rifle on the door, shot three rounds at one guard killing him. Eun shot five times, hitting the guard in the gut. They flew through the checkpoint breaking the wooden gate. The wounded guard radioed for back up.

As Santa and Eun sped on without being perused for three minutes, a group of trucks began to follow them; shots pinging off the back of the vehicle. The JSA was now in sight and they were filled with an uneasy sense of relief. Just then a bullet hit the back left tire. It went flat and the rubber started to tear away. Santa kept driving though they were slowing down. Santa got his rifle ready again and shot the visible guards on the northern side of the JSA, killing each one with a head shot comparable to that of a master marksman. He ejected the mag and grabbed a full one, inserted it, and then turned sharply. Sparks flew from the now bare rim as the car went into a drift. He readied his gun and began shooting not only the drivers, but the passengers as well, killing or mortally wounding each. The car skidded to a stop and he an Eun leapt from the vehicle. They ran toward the JSA, South Korean soil no less than a dozen meters away. Suddenly Santa felt something like a burning punch in his left leg. He had been shot by an guard in an unseen tower. He dropped his rifle. Time seemed to slow. "I never though it would end like this, I defeated hundreds of enemies, the Burgermeister, Martians, even the goddamned Devil. Who would have thought it would be a random soldier in a tower to down Ol' Saint Nick." Santa then heard a bang, Eun had raised her pistol an shot the guard right betwixt the eyes. "Eun" he said" I owe you my life! My child I shall never forget you." They Santa limped to the JSA along with Eun. Once on South Korea soil Santa was tended to by medics, and Eun was given the first good meal in her short life. It was over


Epilogue: Santa recovered quickly and, striking a deal with KFC, got everyone in Japan a bucket of the Colonel's famous chicken for free. Eun was adopted by loving parents that were unable to conceive. Throughout her life she she was somewhat of a pariah do to the stigma of North Koreans that had escaped and are living in South Korea, She also had PTSD from her adventure with Santa that she has to attended therapy for it. Every Christmas Santa would visit her and would give her whatever she wanted that year, and while she did appreciate it, it was also kind of triggering. Kim Jong-Un found the reindeer and ate the four survivors and can now fly, but has a painful debilitating disease unknown to modern science.

The movie ends in a freeze frame and Hot Dad's "Taco Bell Christmas" plays

Either that or the Aquateen Hunger Force Episode with the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future featuring blood in Carl's pool but in movie form.

Linux Pirate fucked around with this message at 04:49 on Nov 22, 2020

Straight White Shark
May 16, 2009



Fun Shoe

Carol Anne is an executive at the big city dick sucking factory. She tells her sister Cathy she can't come to her small town farm for Christmas because she's too busy with work, until her boss orders her for business to scout out a takeover opportunity in the town's local artisanal dick sucking workshop. Carol Anne arrives at her sister's farm and has a hard time adjusting to the relaxed pace of wholesome country living, until she bumps into Cathy's handsome friend Steve who comes by to help Cathy fix her porch. Steve shows Carol Anne a lesson in small town cooperation and neighborly spirit and they hit it off, but she is shocked when she realizes Steve owns the local dick sucking workshop her company plans on buying out and gutting.

Steve's heartfelt stories about how much the dick sucking shop means to him during the Christmas season win over Carol Anne's heart and she begins to reconsider her stressful workaholic lifestyle. She uses her business knowhow to help Steve balance the books and put the shop on the right track, making her company's buyout offer pointless. When her boss calls demanding explanations she tells her that she's learned a thing or two about small town living and won't be going back to the big city. Together, she and Steve formally kindle a relationship and a business partnership as they announce that mass corporate dick sucking factories have no place in this town.

blackshreds
Feb 7, 2004

Take my hand and just, follow me...

It’s called “Stuffin Santa’s Sack” and that’s as far as I’ve got with it.

Ooh and it stars Tyler Labine and K. Trevor Wilson

blackshreds fucked around with this message at 06:10 on Nov 22, 2020

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

you can call
but I seldom answer after all





A Planned Parenthood employee falls asleep Christmas Eve night and an angel (Dean Cain) shows her that a baby she will be aborting the next day... is actually Jesus Christ, returned to the earth. The abortionist is reluctant to believe at first, but through the power of the love of our Lord, she realizes that what she thought was just a job was actually participation in liberal, factory-style murder of innocent babies, and if she doesn't do something to save the Christmas Baby, mankind will never be released from the bonds of sin.

With Candace Cameron and Kirk Cameron as the voices of Fritzi and Mike, the talking dogs

my dog died im sad
Jun 29, 2015


A movie where Christina Milian chooses to live in the world of a snow globe.

Tip
Mar 21, 2006

Your move, creep.



Code Jockey posted:

A Planned Parenthood employee falls asleep Christmas Eve night and an angel (Dean Cain) shows her that a baby she will be aborting the next day... is actually Jesus Christ, returned to the earth. The abortionist is reluctant to believe at first, but through the power of the love of our Lord, she realizes that what she thought was just a job was actually participation in liberal, factory-style murder of innocent babies, and if she doesn't do something to save the Christmas Baby, mankind will never be released from the bonds of sin.

With Candace Cameron and Kirk Cameron as the voices of Fritzi and Mike, the talking dogs

Does she take the woman hostage for months and force her to give birth?

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

you can call
but I seldom answer after all





Tip posted:

Does she take the woman hostage for months and force her to give birth?

Well now you've ruined it

Tip
Mar 21, 2006

Your move, creep.



Code Jockey posted:

Well now you've ruined it

Maybe it's one of those fabled live birth late term abortions, and she just refuses to put baby Jesus into the tiny guillotine.

CPL593H
Oct 28, 2009

I know what you did last summer, and frankly I am displeased.

What would be a better name of a Jason Statham Christmas movie, Brawl Through the House or Season's Beatings?

"This Holiday season, there really will be a war on Christmas!"

Funky See Funky Do posted:

Ok so get this, it's Christmas in two days and a father is away doing work and has to get home in time for Christmas but here's where it gets exciting - it's snowing and so stuff is closed he dies in a car accident and turns into a snowman which makes it hard for him to get home in time.

CPL593H fucked around with this message at 07:50 on Nov 22, 2020

PureEvil6_13
Jun 1, 2004

I LIKE PETA AND THINK THAT SCIENCE IS EVIL

A veteran IT nerd goes to his wife's work Christmas party at Yamamoto Tower and their network is taken down because some idiot opened an attachment from a ransomware email and he spends the rest of the night trying to get all of the systems restored.

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

you can call
but I seldom answer after all





Tip posted:

Maybe it's one of those fabled live birth late term abortions, and she just refuses to put baby Jesus into the tiny guillotine.

in her vision, G*d (voice of G*d played by Mike Huckabee) tells her that she will know the babby is his Son because she will for the first time not feel an intense need to kill Him once she lays eyes upon Him. she refuses to believe it. "I'm a professional," she says

During the opening of the movie, the main character (the unrepentant abortionist) is shown walking through the dimly lit halls of the Planned Parenthood, lights flickering and buzzing

she walks by a room with a doctor who, upon removing a full sized baby from a woman (who is busy using her cell phone and drinking a latte during the procedure), takes the baby into his hands, turns 180 degrees, and jump-shoots it into a small corner waste basket. "Kobe!" he exclaims, as he launches the baby, and he and the woman laugh

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD
Jan 21, 2007



how about an hour and a half of video footage of 18-25 year old women having sex for money to buy gifts for sick kids? if it makes you feel uncomfortable we can drop the sick kids bit, it didnt test well with the target demo (16-95 year old men)

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Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

you can call
but I seldom answer after all





In their first feature-length adventure, Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer learn the true meaning of Christmas when Buck Strickland suffers a heart attack at Jugstore Cowboy's on Christmas Eve and they're left to run the big Strickland Propane Christmas Party

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