Who would you murder if you had a time machine

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Who would you murder if you had a time machine

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

Klyith posted:

I'd shoot hitler

Yeah, but, again, you don't get to have the satisfaction of killing Hitler

Because if you go back in time and kill Hitler, then time moves forward without Hitler...and you, presently, has no reason to get into the time machine to go back and kill him. Why would you travel through time to kill someone who doesn't exist now? So it can't be done

# ? Dec 18, 2020 20:03

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 03:36

gludel: Nov 6, 2010

This isn't the who would you go back in time and maim thread

# ? Dec 18, 2020 20:05

kntfkr: Feb 11, 2019; GOOSE FUCKER

I have this idea for a show called "Time Jerks" and basically the pilot episode is Tracy Morgan and Jimmy O Yang are forced by beings from the 4th dimension (Limp Bizkit) to go back in time and throw out Anne Frank's diary so that it's never read or published and "In The Aeroplane Over the Sea" never gets recorded.

# ? Dec 18, 2020 20:06

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

kntfkr posted:

I have this idea for a show called "Time Jerks" and basically the pilot episode is Tracy Morgan and Jimmy O Yang are forced by beings from the 4th dimension (Limp Bizkit) to go back in time and throw out Anne Frank's diary so that it's never read or published and "In The Aeroplane Over the Sea" never gets recorded.

Yeah, I dunno.

That sounds bad.

# ? Dec 18, 2020 20:10

eSports Chaebol: Feb 22, 2005; Yeah, actually, gamers in the house forever,

Big Beef City posted:

Sadly you can't travel back in time to kill people or solve problems, op, because by you doing so you eliminate the need for yourself to travel back in time in the first place and thus negate your reason to go.

There are no time paradoxes even assuming travel to the past is possible, because our present state is already the result of all time travel to the past that has occurred. From an individual perspective, if you're going to get into a time machine in a few years and go back in time and do stuff, it seems like the going back in time hasn't happened yet. But from a historical perspective, everything you did in the past already happened, because, you know, it's the past. With powerful enough telescopes we might eventually be able to detect any evidence of time travelers' spaceships.

# ? Dec 18, 2020 20:13

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

I'm not real sure how the whole "You can't go backwards in time to do something because if you do that thing to correct it, like kill hitler, means you'd have no motivation to go back in time in the first place since he's already non-existent" works out if you do something like this, though:

Let's say you travel 500 years into the future and find out there's a future hitler like, 380 years ahead of us, who's just an absolute dick, and they're all like "man we hated that new future hitler from our long ago past here in the even farther future."
So you dial it up and go back a little less far and kill the future hitler 379 years from now, and then pop-rock it back to the 500 year ahead future where they never knew the future hitler... THEN you could see some changes, and no one would even thank you for it. Because to them it never happened.

So the BEST thing you can do is eat like 4 gummies while watching PBS saturday morning and wrap yourself in tinfoil while nude and start weeping.

# ? Dec 18, 2020 20:16

eSports Chaebol: Feb 22, 2005; Yeah, actually, gamers in the house forever,

Big Beef City posted:

I'm not real sure how the whole "You can't go backwards in time to do something because if you do that thing to correct it, like kill hitler, means you'd have no motivation to go back in time in the first place since he's already non-existent" works out if you do something like this, though:

Let's say you travel 500 years into the future and find out there's a future hitler like, 380 years ahead of us, who's just an absolute dick, and they're all like "man we hated that new future hitler from our long ago past here in the even farther future."
So you dial it up and go back a little less far and kill the future hitler 379 years from now, and then pop-rock it back to the 500 year ahead future where they never knew the future hitler... THEN you could see some changes, and no one would even thank you for it. Because to them it never happened.

So the BEST thing you can do is eat like 4 gummies while watching PBS saturday morning and wrap yourself in tinfoil while nude and start weeping.

The thing is that, even if we assume time travel is possible, and it would be possible to go back and kill Hitler, we know that no one will travel back in time to kill Hitler before his rise to power, because the historical record shows that Hitler did rise to power instead of being killed by a time traveler. Okay, we probably wouldn't know that it was a time traveler, but also we totally would. They'd spill the beans and brag about it at some point.

Nothing changes for your future-shifted scenario. If you were going to kill future Hitler, and you went into the future beyond the point you were going to kill him, he would already be dead by your hand. Think about it this way: if going into the future and then back made the future "unhappen" and wait to unfold, then in a sense, you've just committed temporal genocide against every living person in the future when you go back in time by un-creating them. Sure, they'll eventually be born again, but hey maybe not! (Don't worry; there's no actual temporal genocide)

The only alternative interpretation, that a time traveler could do it anyway, means they would be on a different timeline than we are. So in that case, the Holocaust still happened, but they basically just moved to a timeline where it didn't. In this scenario, probably every possibility that can happen, does, on a different timeline, so all our Hitler-killer did was move from one of the Hitler timelines to one of the non-Hitler timelines and they all exist anyway. They didn't save a single Jew; they just wanted to feel good about themselves.

Yes I am nerding out in GBS. No I haven't begun to nerd out, talking about how you can do this with an Alcubierre Drive

# ? Dec 18, 2020 20:38

Das Boo: Jun 9, 2011; There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.

Joust posted:

Fun for you in 5 years when the film adaptation of this post is released.

I don't even have to ask. It's Tarantino.

# ? Dec 18, 2020 20:58

Mooey Cow: Jan 27, 2018; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Pillbug

Big Beef City posted:

Sadly you can't travel back in time to kill people or solve problems, op, because by you doing so you eliminate the need for yourself to travel back in time in the first place and thus negate your reason to go.

Heh, well, maybe you can't :smug:

# ? Dec 18, 2020 21:22

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

I would go to the future and murder the guy who invents the real life dick slider and steal it and come back with it so I could have a dick slider

# ? Dec 18, 2020 21:32

Icochet: Mar 18, 2008; I have a very small TV. Don't make fun of it! Please don't shame it like that~; Grimey Drawer

The Management posted:

Better watch out, time travelers are coming for your crown

It takes a special kind of warrior to slay the Cocksucker King

# ? Dec 18, 2020 21:34

hotdog feet: Nov 3, 2005

i'd lie and say i was gonna kill somebody but then i'd just use the time machine to go back and buy a bunch of stock

with my now unlimited funds, i'll commission a new time machine and go back in time to steal credit for the Back To The Future franchise so i can have a light, ironic chuckle

# ? Dec 18, 2020 21:42

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

DarkSoulsTantrum posted:

I would go to the future and murder the guy who invents the real life dick slider and steal it and come back with it so I could have a dick slider

would you settle for a trunks length slider and being able to have different plaid patterns on your hawaiian shorts because BROTHER have I got a game for you

# ? Dec 18, 2020 23:02

Mooey Cow: Jan 27, 2018; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS; Pillbug

Anyway if you're gonna be a boring piece of poo poo that don't wanna destroy time, it turns out the further back you go, the crazier poo poo you can do, as long as you make sure the history books stay the same. You can go gently caress some Vikings up, what are they gonna do about it? Carve some piece of stone that say "Jerker got viciously owned by a dude from the future wah". As long a you haven't read that rock you have no reason not to go back and commit a murder with your time machine.

You can go to the Minoans and go hog wild, no one can even read what they wrote.

# ? Dec 18, 2020 23:15

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

Big Beef City posted:

would you settle for a trunks length slider and being able to have different plaid patterns on your hawaiian shorts because BROTHER have I got a game for you

Short shorts and a loooooooooooonnnnngggg penis

# ? Dec 19, 2020 01:03

eSports Chaebol: Feb 22, 2005; Yeah, actually, gamers in the house forever,

Mooey Cow posted:

Anyway if you're gonna be a boring piece of poo poo that don't wanna destroy time, it turns out the further back you go, the crazier poo poo you can do, as long as you make sure the history books stay the same. You can go gently caress some Vikings up, what are they gonna do about it? Carve some piece of stone that say "Jerker got viciously owned by a dude from the future wah". As long a you haven't read that rock you have no reason not to go back and commit a murder with your time machine.

You can go to the Minoans and go hog wild, no one can even read what they wrote.

Go back in time and destroy every prehistoric European civilization EXCEPT the Basques

As I said, any time travel has already happened, so perhaps some intrepid time traveler already did this (hey, it would make sense!)

# ? Dec 19, 2020 01:04

Funky See Funky Do: Aug 20, 2013; STILL TRYING HARD

I'd kill myself and prove that block time either is or isn't and also save myself the terrible embarrassment of that time I called the teacher mum in 6th grade.

# ? Dec 19, 2020 01:35

Haptical Sales Slut: Mar 15, 2010; Age 18 to 49

I�d punch Moses right in the god damned liver.

# ? Dec 19, 2020 01:39

poverty goat: Feb 15, 2004

Adam

# ? Dec 19, 2020 01:42

Mr Luxury Yacht: Apr 16, 2012

John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes.

I'd be sad to lose the classic comic characters they're named after but I think for the good of society it has to be sacrificed.

# ? Dec 19, 2020 01:43

Cubone: May 26, 2011; Because it never leaves its bedroom, no one has ever seen this poster's real face.

that son of a bitch jimmy hoffa, preferably before he had a chance to ruin the bicentennial

# ? Dec 19, 2020 02:27

The Management: Jan 2, 2010; sup, bitch?

So what you�re saying is once biff gave himself the almanac, he couldn�t have gone back to his own time and returned the delorean, and doc and Marty would have been stuck in the future?

# ? Dec 19, 2020 04:29

stealie72: Jan 10, 2007; Their eyes locked and suddenly there was the sound of breaking glass.
\

Hitler. But every time I heard an Abba song, some part of me would be mad at myself.

# ? Dec 19, 2020 05:36

Turrurrurrurrrrrrr: Dec 22, 2018; I hope this is "battle" enough for you, friend.

I'd go back and kill all the dinosaur.

# ? Dec 19, 2020 05:52

eSports Chaebol: Feb 22, 2005; Yeah, actually, gamers in the house forever,

Turrurrurrurrrrrrr posted:

I'd go back and kill all the dinosaur.

Open the door to the past
Get on the floor of the space-time continuum
Everybody walk the dinosaur clade to its extinction

# ? Dec 19, 2020 09:42

BrigadierSensible: Feb 16, 2012; I've got a pocket full of cheese🧀, and a garden full of trees🌴.

I would smother baby Shane Warne in his crib.

And possibly piss on the tiny corpse. Depending on how drunk I was at the time.

# ? Dec 19, 2020 09:51

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

eSports Chaebol posted:

The thing is that, even if we assume time travel is possible, and it would be possible to go back and kill Hitler, we know that no one will travel back in time to kill Hitler before his rise to power, because the historical record shows that Hitler did rise to power instead of being killed by a time traveler. Okay, we probably wouldn't know that it was a time traveler, but also we totally would. They'd spill the beans and brag about it at some point.

Nothing changes for your future-shifted scenario. If you were going to kill future Hitler, and you went into the future beyond the point you were going to kill him, he would already be dead by your hand. Think about it this way: if going into the future and then back made the future "unhappen" and wait to unfold, then in a sense, you've just committed temporal genocide against every living person in the future when you go back in time by un-creating them. Sure, they'll eventually be born again, but hey maybe not! (Don't worry; there's no actual temporal genocide)

The only alternative interpretation, that a time traveler could do it anyway, means they would be on a different timeline than we are. So in that case, the Holocaust still happened, but they basically just moved to a timeline where it didn't. In this scenario, probably every possibility that can happen, does, on a different timeline, so all our Hitler-killer did was move from one of the Hitler timelines to one of the non-Hitler timelines and they all exist anyway. They didn't save a single Jew; they just wanted to feel good about themselves.

Yes I am nerding out in GBS. No I haven't begun to nerd out, talking about how you can do this with an Alcubierre Drive

That assumes that historical records weren't altered by a time traveler :smuggo:

It's not like you can get quality evidence of a real live Hitler, they don't exactly have them at the zoo

# ? Dec 19, 2020 10:17

SLICK GOKU BABY: Jun 12, 2001; Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls

The same chick in 2 different times OP.

Edit - I might not have read the entire thread title.

SLICK GOKU BABY fucked around with this message at 13:38 on Dec 19, 2020

# ? Dec 19, 2020 11:22

Universe Master: Jun 20, 2005; Darn Fine Pie

Zipho Blanderneck, President of the United States of Earth, year 2837.

I'd gut that bastard for sure.

# ? Dec 19, 2020 13:18

Bargearse: Nov 27, 2006; 🛑 Don't get your pen🖊️, son, you won't be 👌 needing that 😌. My 🥡 order's 💁 simple😉, a shitload 💩 of dim sims 🌯🀄. And I want a bucket 🪣 of soya sauce☕😋.

Tim Berners-Lee. The internet was a mistake.

# ? Dec 19, 2020 15:09

poverty goat: Feb 15, 2004

it wasn't a meteor that killed the dinosaurs at all; the explosion was the first experimental time traveller arriving from the year 2420 to observe the meteor

# ? Dec 19, 2020 15:33

Wall Balls: Jun 3, 2007; Spanish Castle Magic

i'd kill the 2001 new england patriots

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FS52Ir9Q-0&t=14s

# ? Dec 19, 2020 16:35

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

You could go back several minutes and steal the time machine, then go forward and you'll have two time machines! Rinse and repeat until there's enough time machines to contribute to a significant amount of weight in the universe

# ? Dec 19, 2020 17:57

Klyith: Aug 3, 2007; GBS Pledge Week

Colonel Cancer posted:

You could go back several minutes and steal the time machine, then go forward and you'll have two time machines! Rinse and repeat until there's enough time machines to contribute to a significant amount of weight in the universe

how do you fit a time machine inside itself?

# ? Dec 19, 2020 18:06

JonathonSpectre: Jul 23, 2003; I replaced the Shermatar and text with this because I don't wanna see racial slurs every time you post what the fuck; Soiled Meat