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A Small Car
Aug 24, 2016




As Leng knows, I'm not great at feedback/editing, but I did want to chime in and say that I'm thoroughly enjoying reading your work so far. I'll be a bit of a contrarian by saying that I enjoy the slow burn you've got going on, but that's always been my favorite type of detective story. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but this:

Leng posted:

[*] Lucia and Rush always having a back and forth about the next steps. I know a lot of it is characterization about her uncertainty this being her first case and all, though I think we kind of get it after the first few times
I thought was a nice bit of characterization for Lucia. I may be entirely wrong, but I read this less as it being her first case and her being uncertain about it (thought that's certainly true), and more as her finally having a partner that she felt she could actually disagree with instead of being forced to go along with whatever they said for the sake of fitting in. I feel like it also has the potential to play into making Lucia more overtly racist early on (maybe Rush wants to go see Asa right away, and Lucia overrides him, which then leads to them missing their chance?), without making her into an entirely unsympathetic rear end in a top hat.

I look forward to reading the rest of this book, and to reading the sequel next year!

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A Small Car
Aug 24, 2016




I know you don't plan to publish, but I would totally buy this if you ever did! My one burning question is, what was Lucia making? My best guess is a vegetable casserole

A Small Car
Aug 24, 2016




I loved it and look forward to reading the next one! It'll be interesting to go back and read the whole thing in one sitting, I've intentionally avoided re-reading previous chapters while the writing was ongoing. Well done!

A Small Car
Aug 24, 2016




For what it's worth, I prefer the second cover, largely because it pulls something that was actually in the story itself with the bee. I'm throwing out whatever random crap knocks around in my head at this point, but what about doing a cover where you see the split city, and the nocturnum side all lit up, and the bee has been turned into a constellation? Or is that just dumb?

I will eventually get around to going through the complete story, things have just been pure chaos here lately, sorry about that!

A Small Car
Aug 24, 2016




Leng posted:

I'd suggest playing to your strengths. The artwork you linked is amazing–what if your cover had more illustrated elements? I think as long as you get the right tone promises across in the cover you'll be ok.

Agreed, this is an excellent idea! I don't know where you live or how comfortable you'd feel doing this, but what about wandering around where you live at night taking pictures/sketching/whatever, things that you think capture what you want on the cover, and then just drawing your whole cover based off of that?

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A Small Car
Aug 24, 2016




newts posted:

Re: italics. I did look through your Nano project and noticed you used them for both regular and magic thoughts. I didn’t have a problem with it. Maybe I should just trust my readers? Because they are smart and know how to read poo poo?

Personally, I've got no issue with how you have things set up now, and it's clear to me what's a text and what's telepathy, so if that makes things easier from a publishing/ebook standpoint, I think just go with it.

I'll second the sentiment that I'm very glad to see a sequel! It may be short so far, but I'm still finding myself drawn in. As always, I look forward to reading more!

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