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SoylentCola
Mar 21, 2001



Ultra Carp

Every year we wait to see what people have been sticking in themselves because we are awful humans and humanity is a vile disease. The list is American holes, as you can see there is a lack of non US regional items such as Hockey sticks or Bowler hats. This list is cautionary and not a challenge.

Anyway without further delay here is the list in order of descending orifice:

Ear
    Coffee Grounds
    Rubber Bands
    Several Hair Bands
    “Patient’s Siblings Put A Piece Of Paper In Patient’s Right Ear Trying To Show Him A Magic Trick”
    Lollipop
    Toy Sword
    “Takes Shower With Earplugs In Ears In Attempt To Prevent Water From Going In & Now Earplug Is Stuck In Left Ear”
    Bobby Pin
    Hairpin
    Hair Trimmer Attachment
    “Found A Bead And Placed It In His Ear So He Wouldn’t Lose It”
    Toy Dinosaur
    Tweezers
    Fiberglass
    “Car Was Rear-ended And He Hit His Head On The Back Of The Front Seat, C/O Headaches Since, Also Put A Piece Of Paper In His Right Ear 1 Month Ago”
    Tooth
    Comb Tooth
    Dog Tooth
    “Was Sleeping When Her 4 Yo Child Broke Wooden Tip Of A Paint Brush And Put It In Her Ear”
    Pen Cap
    Marker Tip
    Nail
    “Was Experiencing Pain In Ear So Rolled Up Pieces Of Paper To Put Inside It. Changed Them Out A Few Times When The Last One Became Stuck In Ear”
    Pearl
    Piece Of Wicker Clothes Hamper
    “Put A Crayon In Each Ear In School. Crayon Removed From Right Ear But Not From Left”
    Necklace
    Bracelet
    Receipt
    Clay
    “Had Earbuds In His Ears Under His Snowmobile Helmet Hit A Water Bar And His Helmet Pushed His Ear Buds Deep Into His Ear”
    Plastic Magic Wand
    Candle Wax
    Blue Slime
    “Placed Bbs In Ear Buds And Forgot There Were In There. Stuck The Ear Buds On And Now Has 2 Bbs Lodged In Ear”
    Soda Can Tab
    Plastic Spoon
    “Felt Like Something There. Burning Sensation, Flushed The Ear And A Worm Flushed Out”
    Airsoft Pellet, Piece Of Purple Crayon, Small Rock (All Same Patient

Nose
    Earplug
    Confetti
    Balloon
    Candy Wrapper
    Fake Diamond
    Flower
    Sunflower Seed
    Toy Car Tire
    Toy Lizard Tail
    Steel Nut
    Quite A Bit Of Tissue Paper
    Mini Flashlight
    Mini Bowling Pin
    Sponge
    Toy Carrot
    Bread
    Pom Pom
    Googly Eye
    Sister’s Hair
    2 Batteries
    Peanut

Throat
    Disposable Straw
    Metal Straw
    Plastic Fork
    Plastic Cup
    Plastic Jail Wristband
    Cat Toy
    Bib
    Piece Of Sock
    “A Bee Or A Wasp”
    Small Pool Ball
    Honey
    Tip Of Knife
    Metal Pipe
    Sewing Needle
    Electrical Tape
    Thermometer
    Glow Stick
    Small American Flag

Penis
    Cock Plug
    Tongue Ring
    Balloon
    String Of Magnetic Beads
    “Playing With Phone And Fell Asleep When He Woke Up His Stylus Was In His Uretha. Injury Occurred 4 Days Ago And Didn’t Seek Treatment”
    Pen
    Pencil
    Paintbrush
    “Metal Screw In His Urethra To Cause An Erection”
    Wire Hanger
    Lanyard
    “Has Had A Marble In His Penis For The Past 4 Years And Decided He Needs It Removed”
    Glue

Vagina
    Shampoo Bottle
    Battery
    Pill Bottle
    Small Vibrator
    Large Vibrator
    Paper Clips
    “Patient Was Intoxicated 4 Months Ago Placed A Crumble Of Tin Foil Inside Vagina”
    Film Canister
    Part Of Slinky
    Eyebrow Pencil
    Screw
    Pen
    3 Bags Of Meth
    Bullet
    Rock
    Bath Bomb
    Baby Shoe

Rectum
    Bouncy Ball
    Multiple Marbles
    Toothbrush Holder
    Crayon
    “Put A Pencil Up Rectum And Now Not Able To Sit”
    Nail Polish Bottle
    Shaving Gel Bottle
    Aerosol Container
    “Patient Reports Inserting A Deodorant Spray Can Inside His Rectum Last Night As He Was Constipated”
    “Shampoo Bottle In His Rectum That He Placed There Because He Thought He Was Constipated”
    Small Foam Football
    Stick
    Screwdriver In Anus, Handle Fell Off
    “Was Intoxicated & Is Uncertain If She Used Her Anal Beads Or Not, Cant Find Them @ Home […] None Found In Er Exam”
    Pipe
    Vibrator Ring
    “Vibrator Struck In Rectum. Vibrator Is Still On.”
    5 Inch Dildo
    6 Inch Dildo
    7 Inch Dildo
    10 Inch Dildo
    Apple
    Toy Shark
    Plastic Turtle
    Cat Toy Bell
    Baseball
    Newspaper
    Cologne Bottle
    Baby Oil Bottle
    Hand Lotion Bottle
    “Was Squatting In The Shower When He Got A Small Bottle Stuck In His Rectum”
    Remote Control
    Fork
    Water Bottle
    “3 Weeks Ago He Was Drunk And Put A Light Bulb Up His Rectum.”
    Pooparoos Toy
    Weeble Wobble Toy
    Writing Pen And Bottle Cap
    Foam Dart
    6 Magic Markers
    Christmas Lights
    “Put Dildo Into Rectum 2 Days Ago & Was Performing Daily Activities With It In Place. When Riding Lawn Mower The Dildo Slid Inside Rectum Completely”

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Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013




That's pretty impressive op! I'm proud of you.

Les Os
Mar 28, 2010


For sale: baby shoe, stuck in vagina

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009



Les Os posted:

For sale: baby shoe, stuck in vagina

You're supposed to wait until the baby comes out to put the shoes on.

Mooey Cow
Jan 27, 2018



Pillbug

I'm real constipated, I wonder if inserting a giant cork in my butt will do the trick

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013




super sweet best pal posted:

You're supposed to wait until the baby comes out to put the shoes on.

Call Your Grandma
Jan 17, 2010



there was a penis in your mom's vagina last year (mine) op

ausgezeichnet
Sep 18, 2005

In my country this is definitely not offensive!

Nap Ghost

drat near killed 'em

gary oldmans diary
Sep 26, 2005



SoylentCola posted:

Rectum
Remote Control
that kid finally made his parents regret cancelling his world of warcraft. proud of that kid

Best Bi Geek Squid
Mar 25, 2016


quote:

“Has Had A Marble In His Penis For The Past 4 Years And Decided He Needs It Removed”

I'm glad this guy is finally taking steps to improve his life

Earwicker
Jan 6, 2003



SoylentCola posted:

Rectum

“Was Squatting In The Shower When He Got A Small Bottle Stuck In His Rectum”

every year there are fewer and fewer people who feel compelled to hide their anal play with some kind of nonsensical story about how they accidentally sat down on something. which is good for societal hangups and all but also bad because those are the funniest

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013




Best Bi Geek Squid posted:

I'm glad this guy is finally taking steps to improve his life

Who said he felt it was an improvement? could have been for professional reasons and he hated the whole idea of it but has to kowtow to "the man" and the whole "Stop keeping a marble in your penis for safe keeping" trope

SoylentCola
Mar 21, 2001



Ultra Carp

quote:

5 Inch Dildo
6 Inch Dildo
7 Inch Dildo
10 Inch Dildo

Whereabouts of the 8 and 9 inch dildos is unknown.

Into The Mild
Mar 4, 2003

For you the day Duke graced your club was the most important day of your life but for me, it was Tuesday


SoylentCola posted:

Whereabouts of the 8 and 9 inch dildos is unknown.

Ohh I bet I know where those two dildos are.

(Up the butt)

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Maybe it was a 28 inch dildo and they had to cut it to get it out

Nirvikalpa
Aug 20, 2012


Why do men like to put things into their rectum?

Into The Mild
Mar 4, 2003

For you the day Duke graced your club was the most important day of your life but for me, it was Tuesday


Nirvikalpa posted:

Why do men like to put things into their rectum?

Por que no los dos?

Nirvikalpa
Aug 20, 2012


Into The Mild posted:

Por que no los dos?

I mean most women who put things up their butt like dick but a lot of guys who do that don't.

Into The Mild
Mar 4, 2003

For you the day Duke graced your club was the most important day of your life but for me, it was Tuesday


Aren’t there lesbians who like to have stuff up their butt?

People enjoy butt stuff

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013




Nirvikalpa posted:

I mean most women who put things up their butt like dick but a lot of guys who do that don't.

One of the differences is that if you're a guy you've got a prostate, so even if the general idea of gay penetration doesn't turn you on, penetration still has a bonus.

For gay men and women who simply enjoy the act of penetration "I like dick in general" would seem, relatively, statistically consistent, yes?

Earwicker
Jan 6, 2003



Nirvikalpa posted:

I mean most women who put things up their butt like dick but a lot of guys who do that don't.

because it is an erogenous zone on many humans regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation

Earwicker fucked around with this message at 21:22 on Dec 28, 2020

Jailbrekr
Apr 8, 2002
A TOWN LEVELED BY AN EXPLOSION? DOZENS LIKELY KILLED? OH GOD LET ME SEE THAT SWEET VIDEO OH MY GOD I'M CUMMING


SoylentCola posted:

Vagina
Part Of Slinky
[/list]

I really want to know where the rest of the slinky is. Like, irrationally so.

Nirvikalpa
Aug 20, 2012


https://forums.somethingawful.com/newreply.php?action=newreply&postid=511087470

quote:

The motivation of foreign rectal body insertion is mostly sexual stimulation. Patients are typically young and predominantly male, with a male to female ratio of 6:1.

Rascar Capac
Aug 31, 2016

Surprisingly nice, for an evil Inca mummy.

SoylentCola posted:

Whereabouts of the 8 and 9 inch dildos is unknown.

A great prank is to put 5-, 6-, 7-, and 10-inch dildos in your rectum and then go to the hospital. The staff will spend ages looking for the 8- and 9-inch dildos!

Noblesse Obliged
Apr 7, 2012



Rascar Capac posted:

A great prank is to put 5-, 6-, 7-, and 10-inch dildos in your rectum and then go to the hospital. The staff will spend ages looking for the 8- and 9-inch dildos!

Number them 1 2 4 5 and 7

Noblesse Obliged
Apr 7, 2012



The us constitution has been up someone’s rear end surely

Noblesse Obliged
Apr 7, 2012



I think any president should have the constitution carried around in their rear end as a constant reminder of their duty

Call Your Grandma
Jan 17, 2010



Sometimes I just wish I could roll GBS into a ball and stick it up my butt.

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013




Call Your Grandma posted:

Sometimes I just wish I could roll GBS into a ball and stick it up my butt.

So do we. ...so. do. We.

Wifi Toilet
Oct 1, 2004



Toilet Rascal

What about that guy who stuck magnets up his nose for science? I don't think this list is completely accurate, what other things were stuck up people's holes that we aren't being told about?

DarkSoulsTantrum
Apr 6, 2011

this kills the crab

Sure, they're visually impressive, but a lot of posters find large avatars physically uncomfortable. Furthermore, the owners of large avatars often rely on their size alone and don't bother to develop more refined posting techniques.





SoylentCola posted:

Whereabouts of the 8 and 9 inch dildos is unknown.

Because seven ate nine

Knormal
Nov 11, 2001



SoylentCola posted:

Rectum
    Pipe


Also I'm very curious how someone got honey stuck in their throat.

Buttchocks
Oct 21, 2020

No, I like my hat, thanks.


Knormal posted:


Also I'm very curious how someone got honey stuck in their throat.

"Honey" is what they call their partner.

GAYIDS
May 3, 2020

by Pragmatica


I got a guys cock caught in my rear end. Happened many times actually

a mysterious cloak
Apr 5, 2003

Leave me alone, dad, I'm with my friends!




DarkSoulsTantrum posted:

Because seven ate nine

Moon Atari
Dec 26, 2010



SoylentCola posted:

“Was Intoxicated & Is Uncertain If She Used Her Anal Beads Or Not, Cant Find Them @ Home […] None Found In Er Exam”

Turns out it's not always in the assed place you look.

Dumb Sex-Parrot
Dec 24, 2020

bird/bird


im the tiny American flag stuck at the back of your throat.

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Into The Mild
Mar 4, 2003

For you the day Duke graced your club was the most important day of your life but for me, it was Tuesday


Rascar Capac posted:

A great prank is to put 5-, 6-, 7-, and 10-inch dildos in your rectum and then go to the hospital. The staff will spend ages looking for the 8- and 9-inch dildos!

I can just imagine the kind of person who sticks 4 big dildos up his rear end, going to the hospital, and saying to the doctor

“Yeah that’s it just a little deeper, maybe to the left..”

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