since I missed last week.
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sparksbloom posted:In https://twitter.com/AurasBirds/status/1407752614998052879 t a s t e posted:In and in need of bird https://twitter.com/AurasBirds/status/1408477791935467526 Idle Amalgam posted:In, bird me please https://twitter.com/AurasBirds/status/1409439898751406080
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Jul 6, 2021 19:05
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crimea posted:In. Hand over the bird. https://twitter.com/AurasBirds/status/1405210813904953345
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Jul 6, 2021 23:14
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Flesnolk posted:In but no toxx because I think we've seen that never goes well. Bird please. https://twitter.com/AurasBirds/status/1402189908802998272
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Jul 7, 2021 09:33
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Uranium Phoenix posted:in. give me my GOT DAM BIRD https://twitter.com/AurasBirds/status/1412807833851158532 Gorka posted:In, bird me up. https://twitter.com/AurasBirds/status/1406160604939886596
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Jul 7, 2021 23:02
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AlmightyDerelict posted:In, tentatively. May I have a bird for inspiration? https://twitter.com/AurasBirds/status/1399386566154502145
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Jul 8, 2021 07:27
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Signups are closed.
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Jul 10, 2021 11:35
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 Submissions are closed
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Jul 12, 2021 09:32
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Week 466 - Results This was a fun week. I personally enjoyed everyone's takes on the prompt and I think the other judges would agree with me that the quality of the submissions was generally high. I also appreciate that nobody tried to be edgy and circumvent the "feel-good" part of the rule. That would not have been appreciated. Now, the results. To start with, the loss goes to ZearothK - Ops, I did it Again. I'm giving one Dishonourable Mention this week and it goes to Idle Amalgam - Deus ex Beakina. There are two Honourable Mentions and they go to sparksbloom - BIRD WITH A GUN and t a s t e - Honeymoon. The scramble at the top was tight and there was some difference of opinion between judges. In any other week, these two would both have been in with a good shot at winning. There is only one win, however, and it goes to  rohan - Master of Assassination (Majoring in Daggers) .
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Jul 13, 2021 08:37
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Thunderdome - Week 466 - Threatening Birds - Crits Uranium Phoenix - Lawyers in Space I’m struggling a bit with your tone at the start. It’s not quite managing to blend wacky and serious in a satisfying manner. Between the ship and the kid and the other ship there’s a lot going on and it doesn’t feel particularly connected. On a larger level, not much of what happens before they dock feels connected to the remainder of the story, most of which feels crammed into the final 20%. I like the concepts at play - I like a bird AI piloting a spaceship, I like Space Lawyers and I like the massive flesh monstrosity/space station/dad. It just feels a little like they were all thrown together without much thought. ZearothK - Ops, I did it Again All I can think of with that opening line is “you’re not bored, you’re boring”. It’s not much of a hook to start with. After that, your use of long, drawn out, neverending sentences creates a very slow pace. That could be used to good effect somewhere else but this is still the opening and I’m still not really hooked. Vary it up a bit, please. I think your tenses are starting to slip a bit. You say the captain “decided to place that area” - when? Because immediately on the heels of “Everaldo waited” it makes it seem as though the captain has just done it in the immediate past, at the same time the story is going on. I actually quite like your dialogue; it’s got the high energy, rapid pace that I associate with parrots and similar birds. The AI comes across as something mimicking humanity, rather than truly human, be that bird or machine or both. The drink makes the crew instantly alert and also instantly drunk? That doesn’t make much sense. That sort of contradiction could be interesting, if you did something with it. My eyes glazed over the worldbuilding dump. I like your story idea. I’m not sure how much I like your story execution. 1200 words isn’t enough for a meandering start and a huge chunk of exposition. It doesn’t help either that your protagonist doesn’t really do anything - just say hello to the AI and then “Yeah, I guess”. If Everaldo had had to struggle with an AI with the temperament of a parrot and the idea that it needs to nuke the planet into peace, if the carving of the mountain had been his idea - that would have been more interesting and made Everaldo feel a lot more proactive. Barnaby Profane - Cassie’s Not A Pet I really like your opening. The first few sentences do a great job of establishing character and you switch the the story hook just before I start to wonder where this is all going. I quite like your dialogue too. There are a couple of lines that don’t quite ring true (“This felt more authentic to my parenting style”) but overall it’s smooth and natural. The exception is Elizabeth - I know you call attention to it with the line about the public school but that makes it sound like the weirdly adult tone is a one-off, whereas I thought it was every line. Overall, though, this is a fun little story. It’s also the first one this week to actual make me feel good about the ending. Trim out some of the stuff with the dad at the start, focus in a bit more on the background of the bullying and make a bit more of the conflict re: M. Butt and you’d have a very solid entry. Zurtilik - Rebecks’ Gift Your opening paragraph sets the scene quite nicely apart from one thing: would I know that these characters are birds without the context of the flash rule? Probably not; not until the “hen” line; the “nest” line if I’m not as quick on the uptake. “The tradition states no hen could resist a courtship offer of the Silver Leaf and its status as a nesting symbol was unmatched, all would know the derring-do of the Cock of the Nest.” - this sentence feels a bit disjointed. It’s something that comes up elsewhere but not to this degree. Simply put, the final clause (“... all would know …”) feels like it should be in a separate sentence. The flashback (“Rebecks and I became friends …”) feels clunky and out of place; it breaks up the flow. Showing the bond between the two birds could have been done earlier. I feel like you’ve got the heart of the story nailed down: there is motivation, conflict, struggle and closure. The details, though, are a little loose - Sky is presented as the protagonist but Rebecks is the one driving the action, for example. Sky could have benefited from a more clearly defined motivation of their own. But hey, a cute little story about Bird Friends. I’m not complaining. Sparksbloom - BIRD WITH A GUN This is a good example of something that I struggle with being done very well - establishing a - let’s face it - zany premise and having it be accepted at face value without coming across as ~wacky and random~. And I just really enjoyed reading the line “I believe you, baby. That was a goddamned wren with an AR-15.” Despite being under 700 words this feels complete and cohesive in a very satisfying way. Short, sweet and slightly menacing - just like a BIRD WITH A GUN. My only questions - how big was the BIRD? How small was the GUN? T a s t e - Honeymoon It takes a deft touch to cram three different scenes and three different p.o.v.s into 1200 words, so kudos for that. I’m not really sure what to say about your story. It’s clean and clear and complete; the language is good, there’s nothing left unresolved, and so on. If I had to criticise it, I’d say that it’s not always immediately clear whose p.o.v. you’re in each time it shifts and not a lot really happens. I think that might be the ultimate downside of your three scenes/p.o.v.s - you have to build up your characters’ internal state and drivers from fresh each time. Everyone comes off as a bit aimless as a result and while that’s not unrealistic it is a bit unsatisfying. This needed some polish but honestly, not that much. Idle Amalgam - Deus ex Beakina Ninety percent of your opening paragraph is fluff - unless you’re about to pull an “Event Horizon” does it really matter how your FTL drive works? To be honest, there’s a lot of fluff here. I’m writing this as I just got to the Commander’s little inspirational speech and it just feels unnecessary. If I’m caught in the gravitational pull of a neutron star and about to die, that’s my motivation - not some hokey words about exploration. Now I’m at the end and I don’t really see the point of the story. It felt like the synopsis of a story at most, just Event A -> Event B -> Event C. The ship being stranded and the detonation of a nuclear fuel cell were given less emphasis than the Commander telling Ripley “no, don’t worry, you did good”. Which is a shame. Rohan - Master of Assassination (Majoring in Daggers) I got halfway through before remembering to take notes. This is fun to read; there’s a clear premise and motivation, the characterisation is setting up some good tension and everything moves swiftly along. And then the assassination targets come back from the dead? I am intrigued. I am not going to quibble over the exact parameters of “feel-good or upbeat”. If I had anything negative to say about your story it would be that you maybe - just maybe - tried to cram too much in. The ending feels a bit rushed; with another 200 words to use I think you could have made everything after tracking down the necromancer feel a bit more active and accomplished. I enjoyed this. Good work. Thranguy - How To Make a New Friend I like a good heist but with the setup I was expecting something more involved than “grab the briefcase from him on the street and hope he doesn't resist”. It also took me a couple of re-reads to realise that when Lise stumbles into the man, it’s the guy tailing the target and not the target himself. I’d also like more of a motivation than “he has money and we want money”. It’s easy to root against a crooked politician but I’d prefer a reason to root for the gang. Your prose is clear and your dialogue is pretty natural but nothing really seems to happen. I’d prefer a tighter focus on the actual heist itself - trim down the preamble, have the guy tailing the target be more of an obstacle/ risk to the protagonist, etc. Chairchucker - No Escape This was cute and funny and I like the contrast of terrible angelic power with the self-control of a bird. Not much happens and it all feels a bit rushed (and I think we both know why) but I didn’t hate it. The tone came off as a bit flippant at times (“... from wherever it is that gods and goddesses look down. Olympus, right?”) but it at least felt consistent. I’ve read far worse stories that went on for far longer.
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Jul 13, 2021 08:38
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RSVPing to my invite.
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Jul 26, 2021 21:30
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| # ¿ Apr 20, 2024 03:53 |
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Cake (+600): It’s someone’s birthday! Soda (+100): Your story begins and ends with the same line. Soda (+100): “I still owe you an …” Chips and Cookies (+200): Two female characters must have a 200 word conversation about something other than a man. -- On Ice 989 / 1,000 words “I still owe you an actual present.” Sandra spoke the line without thinking. Before her, conjured into being by the ship’s holo emitters, an image of Angelique flickered and fizzed. After three months running through the simulation, Sandra could see the cracks by their absence - it lacked the tiny imperfections of her wife, slumbering away in the cryopod three decks below. The image, taken from five hundred hours of security footage, glossed over the half-chewed nails and split ends. The personality, driven by the memories of the real Angelique, fell back on the same old routines and teases. “What, seeing you isn’t enough?” The image looked around at a scene only it could see and that Sandra had to remember. “I’ve never seen the canteen look this fancy! You didn’t have to wake up early just for me!” “It’s your birthday - I wanted to get you something to remember me by,” Sandra said. That line was the most effective follow-up she’d found so far, opening up a whole realm of conversational space. Half the dialogue tree she’d mapped out started here. “I don’t want you forgetting me while I sleep.” She’d originally said it with a soft chuckle but after three months the joke had lost its charm. “I never could,” the Angelique image said with a smile. “Seriously, Sandra, this is perfect. I was just going to have an extra pudding ration or something before bed. I love it.” Sandra looked down at the checklist. “Happy birthday,” she said, without looking up. “What do you want for a present?” It was a crude attempt to refocus the simulation but it usually worked. “I don’t want anything except to spend the day with you,” the image said, smiling. Sandra sighed and rubbed eyes. So it was going to be one of those sessions. “What physical object do you want for your birthday? As a present, from me.” The image froze, mouth half-open, for several seconds. When it resumed, it was in a sudden burst of sound and motion. “Idon’twantanythingexcept tospendthe day with you.” Sandra groaned and put the checklist down with just a bit too much force, the sound echoing around the empty bridge. “What object would you be happy to find waiting for you when you wake up out of cryo?” It was a risky move, drawing the simulation’s attention to the fact that it was outside of the scenario it had been based on but Sandra had seen this sort of response loop before. Once it got stuck in a particular response it tended to stay there, no matter how illogical that response became. “What gift would you be excited to receive?” Then, as an afterthought: “Anything out of the ship’s replicators.” The image jerked its head down to one side at an unnatural angle and for the first time, lost its smile. “I don’t want -” “Forget it!” Sandra snapped, slamming at the control panel. The image vanished, the bridge temporarily dark as the lights recalibrated - when they kicked back on, painting the room in sterile white, Sandra felt suddenly very small and alone. Breathe. In. Out. She glanced at the sheets and sheets of paper taped over the viewscreen, blocking out the depths of space with branching paths of dialogue and arguments and notes. It has been a joke at first, finally getting a straight answer from her wife. What was three months of talking to a simulation when she usually spent six months trying to figure out what Angelique wanted for her birthday? But the lights were a little bit too bright and the environmental settings were a little bit too cold and all the jokes had lost their charm. Try again. She tapped the controls and the lights dimmed, the image of Angelique appearing before her once more. The simulation waited for Sandra to start but the words caught in her throat. Minutes stretched out. “What do you want?” Sandra croaked at last. “I don’t want anything,” the image of Angelique said. It tilted its head around. “Did you do this? I’ve never seen the canteen look this fancy! You didn’t have to wake up early just for me!” Another loop. The hair on the back of Sandra’s arms rose. “Earrings,” she snapped, not giving the simulation a chance to respond before carrying on. “A diamond the size of your head. I’ll steal the Mona Lisa out of storage for you if that’s what you want! Just tell me what you want! Please!” The image flickered and the smile seemed that much sadder. “What do you want?” it asked. “I’ve never seen the canteen look this fancy!” It froze like that, waiting for Sandra’s input. Sandra stared at it, through it, where the decision tree taped to the viewscreen was just about visible when the image faded and flickered and finally shut off. She sat and she thought and when the ship’s clock chimed the hour she called up the crew roster, scrolling forward through the years until she found Angelique’s name. Nowhere near hers, of course, but she could fix that. For a day. When she cleaned up the viewscreen and recycled the paper, she saved a single scrap just large enough for a couple of lines. She wrote on it and she took it down three decks to her wife’s cryopod and she taped it to the glass there, facing in. For the next three months, when the lights were too bright and the environmental controls were too cold, she would leave the bridge and go down three decks and sit there, by the glass. When her six months were up and her replacement was thawed, she climbed into a cryopod of her own. She took nothing into the ice but herself, two servings of pudding in each hand and the memory of the message she had taped to the glass. “Come wake me up. I still owe you an actual present.”
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Aug 1, 2021 23:25
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