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Week 439 Crits Tree Bucket - Untitled This had a cool, clipped cadence that wasn't as annoying as it sounded, the dystopian world is revealed rather elegantly with sparse exposition, but the main character loses me in near the end. Amver's cousin is a weak foil, a privileged caricature spewing canned statements designed to make us dislike him. I found it a little too on-the-nose. Amver's motivation to stir poo poo is kind of muddled and doesn't give the ending the punch it needs. brotherly - Thirty People I found this a fun, quirky read, if a bit forgettable. The main character has an engaging internal sassy voice that stops just short of being too obnoxious. I thought some of the minutiae on the "heaven" to be unnecessary and wasteful. I was waiting for a good cathartic moment but it just kind of fizzles out by virtue of the characters not really working for it. Their relationship improves mostly because things just fell into place. Staggy - Trajectory Some great prose here. The world-building felt organic. Sadly I'm at a loss for the main character's motivation to rebel against their masters. Why? It just felt like they decided to screw them over for kicks. Were they a double agent from the start? Did they have a change of heart? Hated their boss so much they decided to sabotage the mission out of pettiness? You had words left over for this. Weltlich - Into the Breech So I liked the foot soldier drama. There is a good dash of sincerity, but the action/shooty stuff is more than a little confusing. The talking ordnance felt tacked in like you just wanted to fulfill the flash rule. Ending's a little weak. I think it's intended to be hopeful, but it ends up a bit too cheery for the bleak situation, and not in a black humor way. It's just jarring. Tyrannosaurus - den sisters, we This was genuinely good, the sisters felt like real people who were having a messy conversation about touchy topics. This was the one story where I walked away feeling something that wasn't disgust or disappointment. However I feel like the main character feeding her dad to her mom was a bit too mean even if it was kinda awesome in its own way. The one she has a beef with is the mother, but she... takes it out on the father? Yeah the dad is complicit and guilty in his own right but I don't see how making mom eat dad would hurt mom--it wouldn't probably hurt her campaign because she's a snake and snakes are predators, so she could just go with the defense that she's just following her nature. Perhaps it's the main character just wants to see her mother's *true nature*, but eh it was a little too reckless. If we follow the logic of this story she could face a murder charge or something. There's a reason why mom and dad were kept separate in the first place. ANYWAY the emotional punch was great, it's just that some of the internal logic of the story is wonky. Thranguy - The Grass Whisper Among Themselves, Blade to Blade Across the Field This story is confused and it suffers for it. There is a head (deepfakes, information war and poo poo) and a heart ("wow this guy didn't invite us, rude... but why?"), but it pursues both ends and sort of rips itself up in the process. The big reveal is basically poo poo sucks, sorry about that wedding, we don't actually know a loving thing, the end.The ending paragraph also lost me as it seemed to be trying to make a moral out of the thing like it's an afterschool special. sebmojo - The day before I don't get the ordered list, it looks too gimmicky. Story's okay, I guess. A bit too sparse to make me feel anything. I feel like you have the ability and the words to color in the relationship between Gabriel and the main character, but for the sake of brevity just chose not to. It also ends up a little vignette-ish which might be deliberate?
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Jan 6, 2021 16:55
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Week 440 Crits Tree Bucket - Bridge Party I felt a little lost in the setting and the bridge, and it doesn't quite form a concrete enough image in my head to be really engaged. So I guess if that fails the "so what?" test, I'll just go look for a character to root for. So MC in a fish-out-of-the-water situation is always a reliable hook, and for a while the story settles comfortably into it (I thought the paragraph where The Beloved's penchant for ball-kneeing was a overwrought and could have benefited an editing pass and cut to add focus to a more crucial part of the story), but the climax makes the story fall apart. What was The Beloved's plan at the start and how could she get flustered over a technicality? If a public proposal from the main character wasn't part of the plan, then what was? Now it feels like MC was just tacked on into the story, considering he was ill-fitted to the place for starters already. Because of this the ending feels unearned. brotherly - What Did You See Creepy but in an okay way, not in a "I'm gonna stop reading this poo poo yikes" way. I just feel like the licking thing is very oddly specific which makes me wonder if you just wrote your kink into your story. Anyway. There wasn't much of a sense of threat in this story, and the way the husband-to-be was handled felt flat in a "huh wtf" kind of way. I could dig the weird family tradition though. It's okay, I guess. I also don't really get how and why Jeremy doesn't know what the people who lick the orb see, I feel like that was a wasted opportunity to sneak in something interesting, as Mellie really really doesn't want to admit that she's a certified ghostfucker. I mean, this story already has that weird licking thing, why get blue balls there? Yoruichi - ’Til Death Do Us Part I think this could have worked better for me if the MC's heart didn't swing every other paragraph. She's in love with Emerald (totally out of nowhere, and we're supposed to go with it), and then she does that to her soul in the end. I wish I could call it an entertaining trainwreck but most of the story baffles me out of suspension of disbelief. I guess all the nonchalant killing is part of the mood of the story, but I found Magnolia insufferable. Nice words though. Nice weird but highly specific metaphors, too. Simply Simon - Death of the Family I read this beforehand (a little too late to suggest any significant changes to the story though), but now that I think of it it's Juan who's the real bad guy here. Antonio is a loon but at least he's the funny type who fakes his own death to show up at his funeral as a Zorro impersonator. Juan demeans and gaslights his fiancee and I absolutely do not have high hopes for their wedding. The story is mostly silly, but it also feels a bit ashamed of itself--I thought that choosing not to lean into the premise's inherent goofiness really hamstrings the story. Thankfully the melodrama at the end is short enough. flerp - i tell you this to make it true This is nice, but it's mostly a vignette. It's a good vignette, but I was looking for an actual story throughout reading it. Not really sure what was the entire point of it but nice words, I guess? Mercedes - My City, My Rules Speaking of a story that fully embraces its silliness, this one is pretty good. The sudden attempted assassination kind of surprised me but I found it funny for the characters to be having a spirited conversation about the whole thing. The magic battles were cool. Now I don't think this was some high-quality top-shelf stuff, but its audacity is enough to help me finish reading with a smile than with a scowl. Idle Amalgam - The Right Wish Ah, this is peak K-drama. That said, Crenshaw is a sadsack protag with little to no redeeming qualities. When he finally starts noticing Sarah (where you throw in sentences describing her dress and appearance), the gears started turning in my head. The Groundhog Day-esque transition was pretty nice, even if the next scene just reuses the first few paragraphs in an earlier scene. That's a little too lazy, don't you think? I like it, it had some emotional punch, even if I feel that Crenshaw didn't really earn that good ending. He's just an awfully sullen character without anything to make people root for him, and you can't expect readers to root for someone just because they're the main character. Noah - Together, Forever Okay so I guess this one pulls out the "love interest is actually manipulative and evil lol" card near the end. (Also Carmila is a stock villain name) Yeah it's supposed to have a weird tonal shift but it still comes off as a little too far-fetched. I really don't understand why Carmila just turned on them like that, and decided to massacre an entire village. I could've liked the bromance more, if not for the unusually cruel ending wherein bad things happen to the protagonists, and then they die. Not really good unless you're Franz Kafka or something. Thranguy - Here Be Dragons Very cool premise that is hampered by the word limit. Because there are too many disjointed scenes, there really isn't enough story to fill in the bones. I think if I were to pick the most interesting part of the story, it would be the last scene, because peace is messy and people who've been fighting all their lives absolutely suck at it, so there's a lot of potential for conflict. That or just have Fafnir slaughter Nazis by the dozen. sebmojo - Three Alarmer I liked this! I mean, I liked how Dave the himbo is a disaster and the Tony is inside the manor trying to rescue his secret lover's dad while being all baffled and conflicted about Dave wanting to marry him. And then the manor's like, fucken, "I know how it be," which is a big big mood. This feels like downtempo absurd millennial humor and I absolutely gobble that poo poo up. And life just goes on. Same.
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Jan 12, 2021 08:42
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I'm in.
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Feb 3, 2021 02:06
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 That's Why I Didn't Give Up on Music 891 words At the park, Andrea set her cello down, testing the strings. She examined her bow, noting every little feature of it down to the grain of wood. She was hyper-fixating to distract herself of her heart's aches, and her wallet's woes. The one silver lining about unemployment was that she could practice in the park. She tried not to think of Amy. She had been a partner, someone Andrea hoped to make music with. It didn't matter if Amy came from a different world, shredding face-melting guitar solos in front of a rowdy audience. They promised to play together, electric guitar and acoustic cello, in the upcoming Muse Fest. And Amy, ever-chasing more lucrative musical highs, left her to join some big-shot band that needed a new guitarist. It would have stung less if she actually cheated on her, honestly. Suppressing a sigh, Andrea tuned her cello, even if she had tuned it before heading off to the park. It had lasted her through music school, and with care it would last a decade longer. Drawing strength from her old friend, she began to warm up. Finger exercises, scales, and a beginner's piece. Her left hand trembled slightly, which got more prominent as she fought it. Andrea slouched on the park bench. She wallowed in her despair, until she heard the grass rustle and saw a little girl staring at her cello, her mouth agape. "You have a giant violin," she said. "It's a cello," Andrea said. A common misconception, but she knew better than to tell off a child. "Why big?" "Big is for deeper sounds," Andrea said. She played a low note to demonstrate. "Wow." Seeing her young audience transfixed, Andrea played the C major scale, simple and pleasing to anyone's ears. The child smiled. "I feel it in my tummy," she said. "Mika!" a woman's voice called. An adult strode towards the child and grabbed her hand. "Don't go running off by yourself, please. Mommy's worried about you." "But I wanted to see the lady play the big violin," Mika said. "Cello," Andrea said, without a hint of chastisement in her voice. "Cello," Mika said. "Mom, the woman taught me a new word! It means big violin." Andrea snorted a laugh. Big violin, then. "Would you like to hear a song?" "Can I, mom?" "I don't see why not," Mika's mother said. "But just one." Putting a flourish to her grip on the bow, Andrea played the prelude to one of Bach's cello suites. She had known the piece since she was ten, and it comforted her more than any friend or lover could. It wasn't perfect, but her hands obeyed her for the most part. When she finished, Mika burst out clapping. The child's applause spoke louder than her pained heart. Andrea stood up and bowed. "Thank you!" Mika said, and dashed away as children did, their attention already elsewhere. "Mika..." the mother sighed. She turned to Andrea and smiled. "Thank you for playing for my daughter. Are you okay?" Perhaps her fingers still trembled after all. If it were a friend she would have started crying already. "I'm working on it," Andrea said. "Then I'll do my best to keep my daughter away," the mother said. "Good day to you." As the woman left, Andrea wiped the sweat off her hands. She wasn't going to let anything stop her from practicing today. Not random kids, not unemployment, not Amy. Speaking of Amy, the scent of her familiar perfume reached Andrea's nose. She ducked just in time as Amy tried to prank her from behind. "Whoo, you've gotten better," Amy said. She was wearing black despite the humid day, without a drop of sweat on her. Andrea wondered how she could do it. She changed her lipstick, though. "Why are you here?" Andrea snapped. She wrapped her arms around her cello, as if it could protect her. "Can't I go where I please? I just heard your sloppy playing from a mile away and decided to drop by. You're rusty, girl." "And whose fault was that?" Andrea said. Whose fault was it indeed? The woman who dragged her around to late-night gigs, who got them a slot at Muse Fest, powered by big dreams and nothing else? Or the woman who agreed meekly to all of it? "There you go, blaming others again. Classic Andrea. I really dodged a bullet with you." Her cold dismissal dropkicked Andrea's heart, and she flinched as if physically struck. But she wasn't backing down this time. "You're not worth it," Andrea said. The last vestiges of the Amy in her heart faded away as she confronted the real Amy, standing in front of her. "What?" "You're right, I've lost my touch. But I played for a live audience today. It sucked, yes, and I'm far from where I should be, but I managed to make someone happy with my music. You're not going to take that away from me." Amy shrugged. "Whatever, loser. See you at Muse Fest." She turned and walked away, waving her off with a dismissive hand. Andrea stared at her back until she finally disappeared from view. Andrea slapped her face lightly. Muse Fest was just two weeks away. Putting everything else away from her mind, she hunkered down, and started playing notes, one after the other.
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Feb 8, 2021 07:52
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I would like to judge, if you'll have me.
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Feb 9, 2021 16:12
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Week 445 Crits This was a disappointing week. The prompt was already as straightforward as it could be, but you bozos instead decided to write stories that a) sacrificed emotion for cool genre stuff (which ended up being inaccessible because there was nothing I could latch on to aside from wow cool genre stuff), or b) tried hard to be quirky-funny in order to dodge the messy but necessary task of writing about feelings. I can't speak for the other judges, but I did place some weight in nailing the emotion each of you were given. I'm not expecting some melodramatic, cry-fest tale, I just wanted to feel something in my cold, dead heart. This was a fantastic week to lean into harnessing emotions for your writing but you all decided to second-guess yourselves. Who are we trying to fool here? I know it can be scary to crash and burn and lose but I wished people had taken more risks this week! Also because I'm a weeb so I'm assigning each story an anime. Go look them up. Or not. brotherly - See You in London This was pretty cool. I would have evaluated it higher if it had entered in another week, but it's so devoid of feelings that I couldn't enjoy it in the spirit of the prompt. The ending is unsatisfying and I guess that's kind of the point given the emotion you were made to work with (oh god please let this time be different)? But it lacks oomph. Shame, because the agent developing strong feelings for their target would have made for some delicious drama. Anime: Monster Azza Bamboo - Not to Fail at Valentine's Nailed the emotion in theory, but the story feels like it's going through the motions instead of actually exploring what it means and feels to be excited about something the other party isn't enthusiastic about. I mean, the AI is well-written enough, but you spent more words trying to be quirky instead of making an attempt at real pathos. So it ends up being just okay. Anime: Idolmaster Xenoglossia toanoradian - A Clown and A Fool So the first time I read this, it confused me. So I reread it, then I read the story that one of the characters came from (big mistake, it left me even more bewildered). Basically this is a story of a quirky couple who've gotten their love languages down pat, but you don't really convey that clearly to your unsuspecting readers. I kept wondering why Evelyn is making all that effort not to have sex with Abraham. Is she a sex-repulsed ace? Or is it a joke, and she's applying reverse psychology? The jokes would have worked if you sold the characters more to me, but they fell a little flat. My personal loss pick, not because it's particularly bad or anything, but I just found it the weakest. Anime: I Can't Understand What My Husband Is Saying Casual Encountress - Lipstick Kisses Funny and self-deprecating in that millennial manner. I liked that you didn't sacrifice self-reflectiveness over the bad decisions the main character was making. It adds a layer of depth to what feels like a believable character. I just think that you could've milked the tension between her and Jennifer more, as the latter just gives the MC a free pass the whole time. Just adding some more tension in whether she would get mad or not would have added a lot more spice to the story. My pick to win, but just because it annoyed me the least. Anime: Scum's Wish flerp - We Didn't Drown Not much to say about this story really, other than the fact that it's just barely a story. It wears its heart on its sleeve, but it doesn't have much to say, and even as a vignette it's not particularly memorable. I also don't think that the emotion was nailed here. It almost feels like you wasted my time reading this, but the words aren't too bad so it ends up being the literary equivalent of eating a tasty bag of chips. Anime: Toward the Terra Thranguy - Emotional registers There is some neat and dense worldbuilding here for a sub-1k word story. I can't quite picture some of the terms used like rider, roamer, or wraith, though. From what I understand, Dan is a digilect rider partnered up with Stan, but started piloting Stan's body as his condition deteriorated, and then he had to get a new body afterwards (the Ken). But I will forgive that given the very limited wordcount you had to work with. Anyway. I don't expect such a character to be particularly emotional, but the tension is too clinical and impossible for me to get into. The fact that Lilly could have betrayed him, but didn't, was such a meaty question that deserved more attention. I would have liked to read more about what they thought about each other, instead of the job they worked together. Anime: Appleseed Yoruichi - Hell-crossed Lovers Maybe I'm slow but it took me a few paragraphs to figure out that Kana is a demon. The story takes us in the middle of an established relationship, and it's been handled fairly well for the most part. I can sort of appreciate the humor and light tone the story is going for, but I feel that it skimmed off some of the emotion in the process. Like the other stories you keep trying to disarm the reader with humor than pathos, and it almost works. Had you pulled off making me emotionally invested about this silly couple, you would've won. Anime: Panty & Stocking With Garterbelt Pththya-lyi - Song of the Warleader This story establishes its tone in the opening paragraph, which is good. Nargol is likeable enough, if a bit horny on main, and I can sort of believe that Jaime is in a relationship with him. I just think that the story jumps to the resolution too quickly without much lead-up. This could've been a stronger tale had you milked their talk about taking things slow. The ending tries to be funny but... shrug. Anime: My Love Story!! sebmojo - One job Kind of a fun if inconsequential caper. My suspension of disbelief stretches during the whole "my car is burning but I need to get the flowers" part, which is pretty much the entire story, so I'm wondering if Dave is supposed to be a himbo or something (maybe establish that more?). It's a story about a guy who loves his wife very much and while I respect that, I also feel that you really missed a prime opportunity by turning it into a comedy, because I really would have loved reading a sincere story about a guy who loves his wife very much. Instead we got a perfectly decent story that sits in the middle of the pack. Anime: Haven't You Heard? I'm Sakamoto Lily Catts fucked around with this message at 10:24 on Feb 17, 2021 |
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Feb 17, 2021 10:22
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Week 446 crits for Simply Simon and a friendly penguin Simply Simon - Hospitality So this was pretty fun, even if I had to read back at the beginning to see where you telegraphed Black getting swatted. Once the tiny super sentai people showed up it was smooth sailing. The piece suffers a little bit for having too many talkers, but that's a hell rule for you. a friendly penguin - Wiped Out This piece is mostly dialogue, which works because the two characters' voices are distinct enough. It's pretty natural and easy to read, you've dated the story well enough, but it feels lacking in a way that the story just sort of ends. It feels a little too light on the drama--Dave even got arrested, but it's resolved off the page and they don't seem to learn anything from it (maybe it isn't a rare occurrence for them?).
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Feb 25, 2021 13:39
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In for the party
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Jul 27, 2021 05:30
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Flash rules: Cake! +600 words - It's someone's birthday! Soda! +100 words (x3) - You must have a happy ending. - One character is non-binary. - "I still owe you an..." Chips and Cookies! +200 words (x2) - You are limited to two locations. - You must bring one of two things to the story: an elephant or an embroidery project. A Sweet Delusion of Peace 1297 words "Happy birthday, Mistress Rhea!" the children said, presenting the cake to their local witch. Aurea evaluated their work, as her partner and knight Aurelia hovered nearby, brimming with anticipation. The knight had helped the children in their "surprise", even if Aurea could hear the commotion from their room as she busied herself with needlework. She had set aside the embroidery she was working on for Aurelia's scarf. The queen-in-exile noted the imperfect placement of the strawberries. At least the icing bearing her assumed name was legible. "Thank you, children," she said. "It means the world to me that you would spend time with me today." "Auncle Lia helped us a lot," Tomas said, the local thatcher's son. "They took care of the oven." "I see," Aurea said, sparing a glance at her partner. The knight smiled awkwardly. Good work, she told them through their bond. The witch felt her knight's gratitude embrace her. In this remote cottage in the woods, Aurea felt most at peace. She tried a sliver of cake. It was a curious taste, one she would take to the end of her days. The actual specifics didn't matter--Aurea had suffered through too many failed cakes to care about every flaw, but the love and goodwill infused in the pastry shone truer than any magick she could weave. "How did it taste, dear?" Aurelia asked, their anxious feelings radiating through their bond. "I shall remember it fondly," Aurea replied, winking. She brought the children close and embraced them. "Well done, everyone." She felt her knight relax, and she sent them a wave of sincere gratitude. "It's the least we could do," Sofia said, the mayor's daughter. Aurea and the mayor had not been on the best of terms, but even he grudgingly admitted that her presence was helpful to the town, as Aurea's potent medicinal brews had helped many an ailing soul. "Shall we eat the cake, then?" They set it down on the dining table, large enough to accommodate their three esteemed guests. Aurea let the children bask in the satisfaction of a job well done, and let them have their slices first. "Are you not eating, Lia?" Aurea asked her partner. "You know my diet," Aurelia said. "Then it's more for me," the witch said. She grinned as the knight pouted. "I know you want it. Just a bite?" With a pained look, Aurelia nodded. Aurea elegantly shoved a piece of cake into her knight's mouth. It's going to be a rough night later, Aurea thought. As she imagined the things her partner would do to her tonight, she felt something--or someone--trip her magical wards. Aurelia felt it too, their scent changing into that of a cornered wolf. "Auncle Lia will be heading out for a bit," Aurelia said. She casually lifted the greatsword hanging on top of the mantelpiece and strode out of the door before any of the children could protest. Immediately Aurea felt the children's fear. "Auncle Lia and I will keep you safe," she reassured them. "It must be just wolves." She felt a pang of regret for not taking the king's life when she had the chance. Her arts had especially forbidden murder on pain of an excruciating death for her and her bonded, so she had simply stabbed him in a way that did not hit any vital organs. It still hurt though, much to her satisfaction. Aurelia's bond went silent. The knight had temporarily cut her off to avoid any psychic feedback from their butcher's work. In such cases, they had fifteen minutes before assuming the worst. If the bond was not restored by then, they would have to run. Aurea checked the clock on the wall. The children stared at the half-eaten cake, their appetites gone. Aurea offered them ciderkin, and they sipped it nervously. She accompanied Sofia to the privy. Five minutes. "There aren't any wolves in the woods," Tomas finally said. "Perhaps it's a bear," Aurea said. "Auncle Lia will take care of them." Aurea had seen her knight once drive an adult bear headfirst into the soil for the crime of trespassing. The incident gave them enough meat to last a moon. Ten minutes. "Should we look for them?" Gaspar opined. He was most fond of Aurelia, and sat on the knight's broad shoulders often. He wished to be as strong and as kind as them. Aurea resolved to protect the child's wish. "It will be harder for Auncle Lia to keep you all safe if you leave the house," Aurea said. If the king's people had come, they did not have much of a chance--they would go for the children first. "I'm sorry this had to happen today. Auntie Rhea has made some enemies." "You saved my father when he was sick," Sofi said, putting on an air of cheerfulness. "You're not a bad person, Auntie Rhea." I wish I weren't, child. Aurea had considered letting the mayor die, as he was most opposed to her settling in the woods nearby, but Aurelia talked her into saving him. Fifteen minutes. Aurea chanted a simple spell, putting the children to sleep. She would not have them awake for what was to come. If Aurelia had died, she wanted to at least give them a proper burial. As she opened the door, she saw Aurelia limping towards their porch, using their sword as a makeshift cane. Their body was covered in blood, and their left arm was a mangled mess. Don't turn on the bond, the voice of reason told her. The resulting feedback would be too much. Aurea had seen bonded couples die from it. She ran towards her knight. "It's them," Aurelia gasped, blood dripping from their mouth. "The king's assassins." "Did you finish them all?" the witch-queen said. Her knight smiled. "I slaughtered the scouts to the last man. They'd take a while to find our house. Run, Aurea. Take the children and go." Aurea shook her head. "I would never leave you alone." "You'll die." Aurea sighed. She had no choice left. "I'll miss this place. I'll miss the children, too." They were the closest they had to having their own. The witch held out her hand, and the dread grimoire materialized in it. It was the very grimoire that her erstwhile husband would move heaven and earth to retrieve. A single spell from it and they would attract all of the king's men, magical wards notwithstanding. Aurea casted three spells. The first: to restore Aurelia's body to what it was before. Time reversed on the knight's physical vessel, making them whole again. Aurelia stared at their restored arm, and sighed. I'm sorry, Aurelia said through their restored bond. Don't apologize. It would've happened sooner or later. As long as he breathes, we would never be safe. The second: to scramble the villagers' memories of them. Tomas, Sofia, and Gaspar would wake up not knowing they ever existed. It would be for the best. The third: she brought a slice of the cake to the palm of her hand, and ate it. "Why?" Aurelia said, their brow furrowing. "Because I love you, and without you I would have given up a long time ago," Aurea said. "Because I want to be a good person. Because I still owe you a scarf." She started casting a fourth spell. She was almost out of strength, but the children's cake had given her enough for one more. She grabbed Aurelia's calloused hand, which dwarfed her own. Take us away. A purple orb of light enveloped them. I'm going to kill the king, Aurea told her knight. Even if it would mean her death. I'm with you, Aurelia said, squeezing Aurea's hand. The witch-queen smiled. The orb blinked, taking them far, far away.
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Aug 2, 2021 08:28
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Week 470 crits First of all, I'd like to thank all the participants who submitted. I hope that you found the lovely selection of photos from The Dorkroom to be inspiring and thought-provoking. And if you did enjoy them, why not take up photography in earnest? Personally, I've found it to be a very rewarding creative outlet. (I may or may not be prouder of my photos than my stories, but that's neither here nor there.) Anyway, this was a rather middling week. None of the stories were catastrophically bad, and none of them particularly stood out to be a clear winner. I also think that none of the stories ever addressed the theme of collaboration in a meaningful, memorable way. Take this as a challenge to better your craft. flerp - The Hurt This was generally well-written, but it seems to dash towards the ending after the band-aid scene. Strange, because the story was still way below the word limit. The protagonist's brother doesn't do much, so I didn't really get a proper sense of collaboration in this story. In fact, at one point I surmised that the brother was actually dead or something, but thankfully that wasn't true. Yoruichi - Because I Love You I feel like this story was written to toe the "no erotica" rule. Strictly speaking, it isn't erotica, because the naughty bits aren't the point, it's about a couple trying to work things together after a catastrophic accident. I'd be fine if the story leaned on the plot, but it busied itself with the porn-y stuff, much to its detriment. The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak, I guess. If this were a lesser story, I would've DMed it. MockingQuantum - The Attic This story gave me some profound feelings, and then immediately dropped the ball by introducing a twist, which brought the story down several notches. I felt that the author was trying to be cute with the twist, dropping it out of nowhere (the way Neil seemingly ignores Emily completely took me out of the story, until I realized that everything beforehand was just the protagonist's memories). I think the bigger paragraph break is misplaced--if it had been moved one paragraph down (which ends with Emily hugging the protagonist) it would've worked better, to signify the end of the flashback. I would've liked it a lot more if the story also addressed the protagonist's feelings about Emily, because their decision to sell the house comes off as abrupt and unearned. I didn't feel anything but bewilderment coming into that line. Hawklad - Effluence Cool sci-fi story. I like the worldbuilding on the post-ecological crash, it feels fresh. The stakes are well-outlined, and they managed to make me worry about Elene's father. However, I didn't really find the collaboration theme at work here, as an unwitting robot doesn't really make a good collaborative partner. At the very least it ends on a hopeful note. Not bad, but I wished there was more. t a s t e - The Summit As I read the initial paragraphs, I had the sneaking suspicion that these characters were puffing themselves up and trying to look bigger than they really were. And the big twist at the end is that they're just a bunch of hormonal teenagers fussing about a school dance. I felt like my precious time was wasted as the story went on a tangent about someone's stained shirt, and before I knew it the story was over. I did feel that you tried hard to capture the reader's attention by pointing out the dynamics within the group, but ultimately none of the characters really connected with me as they just postured around. Personally this was my loss candidate, because it just meandered along without saying anything meaningful. Idle Amalgam - Lived In Cool pfp/post combo. This was a story about an unlikable couple encountering a creepy haunted house. It's barely a story because it spent so many words outlining the house in graphic, horrific detail, but I don't know, I just didn't care. (I found the disgusting imagery pretty neat, but it wasn't enough to save this tale.) Also the final paragraph is weird because it's Derek's phone calling, so why would it be calling Derek? Why does Kayla carry a gun around? So many questions. Thranguy - Owls and Matchsticks A fun little caper that has an abrupt ending that's very much a leap of logic. So what if Jeb turned out to have an artistic side? So what if they turned the log into some neat things? Why should I care? You had more than enough words to fill out the characters, make them someone to root for, but they just bungled their way into the end. At least it was fun and light, though. Chairchucker - I’m Hungry, But I Ain’t That Hungry Yet So this was better after multiple readings. I thought there was a huge leap of logic between "Jack is held at gunpoint" and "Jack eats the brains of three grown men". The prose is so parse it's maddeningly obvious that this story was crammed in the last minute, but it somehow works. There is a beginning, a middle, and an end, and aside from that quibble I couldn't find anything else to complain about. But I didn't think this story was good, only decent. sebmojo - Flamingo Dreams This piece made me feel something. I can't describe it very well, but it's melancholy acceptance in a nutshell. The world is equal parts absurd and awful, and there's not a damned thing we human beings could do to change that. But we have the power to react and respond, and sometimes holding hands with someone you barely know, sitting in a couch as the waves carry you off to God knows where is a valid thing to do. Climate change sucks, guys. A younger me would've detested this story, but now that I'm a little bit wiser, more tired, I can appreciate this dreamlike story where not much stuff happens. I guess the only glaring flaw we noticed was the "one week later" line, which made us think of the logistics involved for the characters to have survived just stranded inside their house.
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Aug 11, 2021 17:41
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