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Full Metal Jackass
Jan 22, 2001

Rabid bats are welcome in my home

Unless you are jobless or live in your own filth collecting dogecoin all day for your 40k miniatures, you are probably working for a company/someone else. This thread is to complain about the dumb poo poo your management does and makes you do. I've got a couple to start with.

1. Whenever we make an engineering change against design documentation we have to create "change pages" detailing what things are changing. The problem is, we are not given engineering tools. So we have to make drawing changes in MS Paint, write out a detailed description the best we can, or if you wanna get real fancy, use something free like draw.io. These change pages then all get applied to the applicable drawings (as attached files), and once they reach a certain threshold (like maybe 5 to 10 changes) a designer who actually DOES have engineering drawing tools, will incorporate the changes the best they can to the original diagrams/schematics. It may take more than a decade to actually reach the threshold, even though the change pages are official changes to the design. So in the meantime the field has to review the original documentation and get all of the change pages and spread them out like they're trying to solve a cold case murder by connecting the evidence, and determine what the actual current configuration should be. Yes there are errors made.

2. There has been an ongoing company anti-phishing campaign, where IT is essentially trying to trap employees into clicking email links they shouldn't, so that they can be publicly humiliated by their peers. Which is fine. However, every time a fake phishing email gets sent out, it's followed by other emails from leadership in our management chain to everyone telling us to NOT CLICK THAT LINK IN xxxxxx EMAIL. It kind of defeats the purpose of trying to increase awareness of the Dangers of the Internet, and to always have your guard up. I guess it doesn't seem to matter though because there's always some boomer clicking the fake phishing links, despite the dire external email header warning and the numerous emails from leadership warning of the email. They're probably thinking they missed their USPS delivery of medications or something, who knows. What is comical about it is our Cyber Security department has the worst metric for falling for these fake phishing attempts in the company.

Let's hear some dumb stuff that I can laugh about and continue to ignore my work duties.

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WILDTURKEY101
Mar 7, 2005

Look to your left. Look to your right. Only one of you is going to pass this course.

zoom meetings for "self care" which is an hour of listening to people bitch. I usually gamble on horses in another tab during these.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin



I had a zoom meeting last month and for the first 10 minutes they played music and told everyone to dance. Like a half dozen people were doing it (out of a few hundred) and they just kept that music on loop for the whole time. At the end of the meeting they said they didn't have enough "dance footage" and told everybody to put their cameras on.

Most of the meeting was talking about how we aren't getting raises or bonuses this year despite having one of the most profitable quarters in company history.

Those same people started dancing again.

Negostrike
Aug 15, 2015




A Fancy Hat posted:

I had a zoom meeting last month and for the first 10 minutes they played music and told everyone to dance. Like a half dozen people were doing it (out of a few hundred) and they just kept that music on loop for the whole time. At the end of the meeting they said they didn't have enough "dance footage" and told everybody to put their cameras on.

Most of the meeting was talking about how we aren't getting raises or bonuses this year despite having one of the most profitable quarters in company history.

Those same people started dancing again.

Best allegory ever

Full Metal Jackass
Jan 22, 2001

Rabid bats are welcome in my home

A Fancy Hat posted:

I had a zoom meeting last month and for the first 10 minutes they played music and told everyone to dance. Like a half dozen people were doing it (out of a few hundred) and they just kept that music on loop for the whole time. At the end of the meeting they said they didn't have enough "dance footage" and told everybody to put their cameras on.

Most of the meeting was talking about how we aren't getting raises or bonuses this year despite having one of the most profitable quarters in company history.

Those same people started dancing again.

Ah yes we too have had virtual celebration. Gotta love hearing a manager say enthusiastically so what is everyone excited about for our accomplishments this past year?

I think someone coughed but uncomfortable silence from 75+ people is funny. Another manager saved him.

Play
Apr 25, 2006

So I roll with a rolling thunder
And I howl with the howling wind
And I drift downstream for as long as it takes
To get up and around the bend

They make me do work. I know, pretty hosed up

In seriousness, my job is an absolute nightmare of low efficiency practices. The person who is supposed to be "supervising" me has no clue about what I'm doing, no clue what I'm supposed to be doing, no clue what to do when I ask for necessary information he's supposed to have and never (and I mean NEVER) answers his emails. He also doesn't come to the office anymore apparently. I'd think he didn't actually exist if I hadn't met him before

Play fucked around with this message at 18:43 on Jan 29, 2021

Extra Large Marge
Jan 21, 2004



Fun Shoe

They set up a mandatory 6PM zoom "Happy hour" with a client. I got to sit in a video chat and watch some rear end in a top hat mortgage executive drink white wine and talk about his recent vacation to Aruba.

Combo
Aug 18, 2003





My boss likes to buy random poo poo at auctions because "it was a good deal" and then try to force them into use. He just bought a few spools of wire that's normally used in marine environments. We don't build anything that goes in a marine environment, which is typically fine, wire is wire, etc. He wants us to use it in place of wire we normally use. Problem being it doesn't follow the color schemes of the normal stuff, so if we were to use it and then our product has issues down the line and tech support is trying to help, they're going to reference a purple wire for a certain component and randomly there will be a window where everything created in a certain time frame will have green wire with white striping instead.

IT WAS A GOOD DEAL, THOUGH

Play
Apr 25, 2006

So I roll with a rolling thunder
And I howl with the howling wind
And I drift downstream for as long as it takes
To get up and around the bend

My boss hired a 60 year old man without any computer skills (at the suggestion of his gay brazilian former lover) to lead our marketing team and the results have been about what you'd expect

Cowman
Feb 14, 2006

Beware the cow








Have to have cameras on during meetings where we talk about nothing important. It's mostly just people awkwardly sitting there trying not to stare at the camera.

Supposedly they just got the ability to view our monitors without us knowing so it's great having that bit of paranoia

r u ready to WALK
Sep 29, 2001



if my job told me to start turning on my camera during conference calls i think i'd quit

ClothHat
Mar 2, 2005

ASK ME ABOUT MY LOVE OF THE LUMPEN-GOBLITARIAT
protip: trust no links I post


Since our numbers have been down ever since we started working from home (they think this is because the staff are lazy and not working, it couldn't possibly be related to the ongoing pandemic), my boss has asked me to conduct a four hour evaluation of every one of my staff every month. She then asked me if this was taking up too much of my time, and when I said yes she helpfully tallied up the total number of hours it would take every month and said that's not that much.

Prism Mirror Lens
Oct 9, 2012

~*"The most intelligent and meaning-rich film he could think of was Shaun of the Dead, I don't think either brain is going to absorb anything you post."*~






Fun zoom quizzes after company meetings with questions like “what is our target for next year? Is it a) 12.5%, b) 15% or c) 12.2%”

Play
Apr 25, 2006

So I roll with a rolling thunder
And I howl with the howling wind
And I drift downstream for as long as it takes
To get up and around the bend

ClothHat posted:

Since our numbers have been down ever since we started working from home (they think this is because the staff are lazy and not working, it couldn't possibly be related to the ongoing pandemic), my boss has asked me to conduct a four hour evaluation of every one of my staff every month. She then asked me if this was taking up too much of my time, and when I said yes she helpfully tallied up the total number of hours it would take every month and said that's not that much.

Just take the staff into a conference room and watch youtube videos and eat popcorn for 4 hours imo. Or do the equivalent if you're 100% wfh I guess

Dear Watson
Jun 25, 2005




Hell Gem

Haha they hired me

fat bossy gerbil
Jul 1, 2007



“DELIVERY TIMES ARE TOO HIGH! QUALITY IS SUFFERING! DO SOMETHING!”

We hire enough people to do the job.

“LABOR COSTS ARE TOO HIGH! FIND HOURS TO CUT! WE HAVE TO DO MORE WITH LESS!”

We cut labor and do as much as we can with less.

“DELIVERY TIMES ARE TOO HIGH! QUALITY IS SUFFERING! DO SOMETHING!”

Rinse and repeat.

Chrs
Sep 21, 2015



WILDTURKEY101 posted:

zoom meetings for "self care" which is an hour of listening to people bitch. I usually gamble on horses in another tab during these.

I have my Switch sitting right under the camera so it looks like I’m looking at the screen and then I hold the controller under the desk during poo poo meetings.

In useful meetings I do the same except I do something menial on it like level grind in RPGs

Rockman Reserve
Oct 2, 2007

"Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"



my current work nightmare is that a major client has come back with a shitload of problems and issues with this one project because management absolutely refused to interface with them at all to set expectations or coordinate anything

i have been saying it was a problem that was going to come to a disastrous head for months now and suddenly when it did people are still managing to act surprised about it. 'well the project management team is spread too thin right now' you don't fuckin' say?! maybe hire more managers, promote more people, do loving ANYTHING so that PMs aren't dealing with forty projects in a given week? just a fuckin THOUGHT?

Full Metal Jackass
Jan 22, 2001

Rabid bats are welcome in my home

Are we sure we don't all work at the same place

Mulaney Power Move
Dec 30, 2004


Rockman Reserve posted:

my current work nightmare is that a major client has come back with a shitload of problems and issues with this one project because management absolutely refused to interface with them at all to set expectations or coordinate anything

i have been saying it was a problem that was going to come to a disastrous head for months now and suddenly when it did people are still managing to act surprised about it. 'well the project management team is spread too thin right now' you don't fuckin' say?! maybe hire more managers, promote more people, do loving ANYTHING so that PMs aren't dealing with forty projects in a given week? just a fuckin THOUGHT?

this sounds familiar

Combo
Aug 18, 2003





Full Metal Jackass posted:

Are we sure we don't all work at the same place

Every place is full of morons pretty much

Skeletome
Feb 4, 2011




didn't put a free handjob voucher in the welcome pack

zaepg
Dec 25, 2008



Our workplace was built on a marsh so every time it rains heavy we flood out.
lol capitalism.

zaepg fucked around with this message at 19:05 on Jan 30, 2021

Kirk Vikernes
Apr 26, 2004

Count Goatnackh

In person staff meetings with 35-40 staff members in a small school library.

ELI PORTER
Sep 16, 2007

I posted on Something Awful and all I got was this lousy t-shirt


HR incompetent, wat else is knew

Pekinduck
May 10, 2008


Sir Not Appearing posted:

In person staff meetings with 35-40 staff members in a small school library.



At the monthly department zoom meeting someone joined on their cell phone, put it in their pocket and walked somewhere.

*shuffle shuffle shuffle*

Dept. Head: The person with the phone can you stop making noise?

*shuffle shuffle shuffle*

Someone else: Just mute them.

*shuffle shuffle shuffle*

Dept. Head: How do I mute someone?

10 minutes later...

Someone else: ok can you now see the red button that looks like a microphone on their video box thing.

*shuffle shuffle shuffle*

Dept. Head: The one that looks like a frankfurter?

Someone else: Sure yeah.

*shuffle shuffle shuffle*

Dept. Head: Wait that made my powerpoint presentation exit.

*shuffle shuffle shuffle*

ArbitraryC
Jan 28, 2009
Pick a number, any number

Pillbug

Rockman Reserve posted:

my current work nightmare is that a major client has come back with a shitload of problems and issues with this one project because management absolutely refused to interface with them at all to set expectations or coordinate anything

i have been saying it was a problem that was going to come to a disastrous head for months now and suddenly when it did people are still managing to act surprised about it. 'well the project management team is spread too thin right now' you don't fuckin' say?! maybe hire more managers, promote more people, do loving ANYTHING so that PMs aren't dealing with forty projects in a given week? just a fuckin THOUGHT?

Where can I find a job where "not enough managers" is a problem instead of "too much middle management that does nothing but collect pay checks and no you can't get a raise money is tight this year because our overhead costs are so high"

Zeluth
May 12, 2001



My desk suggests I have something going on. Entering your office requesting a job is my thing.

Who is beholden to who?

Zarin
Nov 11, 2008

I SEE YOU


Full Metal Jackass posted:

Are we sure we don't all work at the same place

Edit: I don't THINK we do that thing you said with engineering drawings, but I don't know for sure tbh.

Poohs Packin
Jan 13, 2019

My god, Winston, is that infernal sun still giving my buttocks that entirely too cool smirk?!


My job is pretty good tbh.

My old job though, hooo boy. I was a chef for a high end caterer. We did functions on big yachts . The owner had ruined his brain with cocaine but was an all around good guy but mostly terrible cook. He would come in during the middle of a plate up and make huge messes for other people to clean up. He rarely knew what was going on and was just a sloppy mess.

He would drop random homeless or non english speaking people off unannounced at the kitchen during busy days as dishwashers. These people usually came with some sort of baggage and required an inordinate amount of coaching and/or guidance. I was usually sympathetic but some new person with zero capacity and limited english was often a burden.

One guy stuck around but had to be let go when he disclosed that he had been carrying a weapon because he genuinely believed we were going to sacrifice him. He was driven to a hospital.

We had someone's Chinese grandmother show up wearing flip flop sandals. Zero English. Probably mid 60s. I spent a good 20 minutes trying to explain that she legally needed closed toed shoes. She seemed sweet and I felt bad but she ended up being more of a burden, needed help lifting big pots when she returned with sneakers, etc.

The boss wife believed she needed to manage us and liked "being in kitchens". Shed stand around and just pull culinary ideas out of the aether and then ask us to create them. Boozy gummy bears was one that turned into a month long pointless project. Its nearly impossible to get a gummy bear consistency with a significant amounts of booze.

Whenever her car pulled up our day doubled in length because wed get some neverending project. Like replicating a ferrero rocher but savoury and with pork for example. Think Claire from BA Test Kitchen type projects but weve got heaps of other poo poo going on.

We would try to push back and ask questions like "how do we do that", and she would just shrug and say "youre the chefs figure it out". She was also never, ever satisfied with the result, as she was usually pulling heavily doctored photos off of instagram and the stuff we made didnt look as good under the fluro lights.

The job had its perks but the bullshit tended to be of a very distilled variety.

Loden Taylor
Aug 11, 2003










Poohs Packin posted:

My job is pretty good tbh.

My old job though, hooo boy. I was a chef for a high end caterer. We did functions on big yachts . The owner had ruined his brain with cocaine but was an all around good guy but mostly terrible cook. He would come in during the middle of a plate up and make huge messes for other people to clean up. He rarely knew what was going on and was just a sloppy mess.

He would drop random homeless or non english speaking people off unannounced at the kitchen during busy days as dishwashers. These people usually came with some sort of baggage and required an inordinate amount of coaching and/or guidance. I was usually sympathetic but some new person with zero capacity and limited english was often a burden.

One guy stuck around but had to be let go when he disclosed that he had been carrying a weapon because he genuinely believed we were going to sacrifice him. He was driven to a hospital.

We had someone's Chinese grandmother show up wearing flip flop sandals. Zero English. Probably mid 60s. I spent a good 20 minutes trying to explain that she legally needed closed toed shoes. She seemed sweet and I felt bad but she ended up being more of a burden, needed help lifting big pots when she returned with sneakers, etc.

The boss wife believed she needed to manage us and liked "being in kitchens". Shed stand around and just pull culinary ideas out of the aether and then ask us to create them. Boozy gummy bears was one that turned into a month long pointless project. Its nearly impossible to get a gummy bear consistency with a significant amounts of booze.

Whenever her car pulled up our day doubled in length because wed get some neverending project. Like replicating a ferrero rocher but savoury and with pork for example. Think Claire from BA Test Kitchen type projects but weve got heaps of other poo poo going on.

We would try to push back and ask questions like "how do we do that", and she would just shrug and say "youre the chefs figure it out". She was also never, ever satisfied with the result, as she was usually pulling heavily doctored photos off of instagram and the stuff we made didnt look as good under the fluro lights.

The job had its perks but the bullshit tended to be of a very distilled variety.

I know little about being a chef/cuisine as a trade but from what I do know this all sounds fairly standard

Xaintrailles
Aug 14, 2015



We have a paid social media person. They post twice a day or so. The posts average below 1 like each, meaning they don't even like their own posts, let alone have anyone else like them.

...much like me on SA.

Workaday Wizard
Oct 23, 2009

STOP IT

STOP ALL THIS
NONSENSE


i loving hate it when i have to manage contracts and procurement for poo poo we use. i am just a user. we already have contracts, supply, and legal departments let them deal with that poo poo. why are they getting paid when we have to do our own bidding process bullshit on our own. that would like facilities telling people to empty their office trash cans and replace their toilet paper.

Meme Poker Party
Sep 1, 2006

THIS NEW AV WILL LET ME POST LIZARD TITS TWICE AS EFFICIENTLY!

IT'S GIVING ME A FUCKING BONER RIGHT NOW!


Xaintrailles posted:

We have a paid social media person. They post twice a day or so.

Hyrax Attack!
Jan 13, 2009

We demand to be taken seriously


My MegaCorp has a podcast. Internal only, covering what’s going on in one dept. An audience measured in the low teens. This is produced by a team of eight and growing.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!



If we estimate a task for too many hours the CEO gets involved and starts trying to design poo poo and then we go way over the estimate and he complains. So instead we just underestimate every task and then go way over the estimate and he complains.

TheReverend
Jun 21, 2005



My old job I was a dev manager for a forgotten mobile app that had tons of other system dependencies that no one worked on.

The CEO would sell features to clients that were not even started , required those other systems to be updated including in-store systems, before we could even begin.

And because the app was what the user used, it became my problem.

And the VP would just be like "we have to act quick! Think outside the box".

This was a 2 Billion a year company too 🙄

SilvergunSuperman
Aug 6, 2010



I worked all the stat holidays this holiday season because nobody told me otherwise and that's how we've always done it. When I didn't get paid I inquired about it.

Manager said she texted me and I said I didn't get it. I get a nasty condescending letter asking what I did on days I worked "after being told not to" like I just loving love my job so much I couldn't stay away.

A lightbulb goes on and I find my old phone I hadn't bothered to cancel because it was cheap and I'm lazy. Sure enough she didn't update my number on her phone when I informed the company.

I gleefully tell her I'll need to speak to her manager about this situation and how she felt the need to treat me and I get no reply.

DickParasite
Dec 2, 2004




Slippery Tilde

We spend 3 million/year in licence fees for completely broken enterprise software. It's used for everything - procurement, payroll, work orders, but nothing works so people have had to develop workarounds. This was supposed to eliminate a bunch of the paperwork involved in running the organisation, but it's actually increased all of that. The geniuses in senior management decided to buy a version that was nearing EOL and after two years of working to patch the holes announced we're rolling back to the release version to prepare for the switch to the new version.

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Scathach
Apr 4, 2011

You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.




These jackasses bought a new label printer that prints three labels in the time the old printer took to print 32 labels. But it's "nicer" and "cheaper" and somehow "faster." Gah.

Like come on. You're a legit weed company. One of the largest in the whole drat nation. Figure it out.

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