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Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

If we estimate a task for too many hours the CEO gets involved and starts trying to design poo poo and then we go way over the estimate and he complains. So instead we just underestimate every task and then go way over the estimate and he complains.

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Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

We have a 2 hour meeting every Friday at 08:00 that the entire company is required to attend.

I take that one from my phone, in bed, asleep.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Our entire dev and QA departments have to get background checked and fingerprinted every time we get a new client despite the fact that they cannot view actual client data. Because security

The clients routinely send me emails with enough PPI to steal the identities of thousands of people despite being repeatedly told to stop. I don't even have security training because I'm not a dev.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

One of our long time system architects retired recently. On his way out our brain genius CEO decided to load him up with a ton of work only he knew how to do because the company doesn't believe in documentation or training.

I'll leave it to you, fine goons, to guess how much of that vital work he actually did.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

ben shapino posted:

all of it, like a good little boy?
On the contrary!

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

The CEO has announced some crunch time bullshit where the entire company must work unpaid OT tomorrow because there are 11 outstanding tickets.

We are all remote, and they have no way of tracking our time.

LOL

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Someone convinced the CEO we should do AGILE but he hated it so all we do is have scrums and planning sessions and then ignore everything and do whatever the emergency of the day is.

Our Scrum Master is a project manager for a client who we do no work for and have basically no interaction with. He has no idea what our team does and the sum total of his contribution is to add meetings to everyone's Outlook calendar.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

AHH F/UGH posted:

Here's the best email I ever got from one of our field techs. No information, no context, no nothing - just three words, his typical Windows 3.1 background, and his name.


Well... are you going to leave us in suspense?

What was wrong?

GARY

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Marcade posted:

Making changes on live without testing.
A lead dev made a change to the maximum size allowed for uploaded files by users, tested it herself, pushed to production, and then took a 3 week leave.

Somehow broke 3 totally unrelated systems.

There's no documentation, and no one has a clue what she did. The systems that are hosed are all externally hosted by our worst, most tech illiterate client, and can't be debugged by anyone who isn't onsite with them.

I dumped the ticket on one of her devs with a note that basically amounted to "Your boss has hosed this so hard our team can't even figure out how it's hosed." at 4:59PM and then left for the day.

BA Lyfe :lol:

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Woo, it's three-hour quarterly meeting day!

Highlights:

We can't have documentation or policies because it's too much work. We can't have competitive pay, OT, or bonuses because actually there is a very complicated policy that clearly outlines..."

HR giving HR awards.

We can't have federal holidays off because the CEO doesn't like holidays.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Turtle Sandbox posted:

You work security, why do you even give any shits? You aren't military, you arent guarding anything of actual value, you dont need to follow the general orders of a sentry. Slack rear end and if anyone every comes for whatever you are "securing", help them take it.
This man has worked security.

It's a dope job if you don't give a poo poo because nobody expects you to actually do anything except maybe walk around and look at stuff.

When I was a guard I never once did anything except hang around and talk to whoever was there. Got to chill with Richard Petty and The Big Show. Both great guys

Rent-A-Cop fucked around with this message at 16:09 on Mar 15, 2021

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Called me at 9AM on a Saturday because our QA department is a dumpster fire.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

My employer is insanely stingey about software licenses. I have made myself indispensable to our client-facing operations because I can edit PDFs.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Since work from home started my company has roled out three different conference solutions (Skype for Business, GoToMeeting, MS Teams), and our clients use at least three more. No training has been provided on any of them, and we use all of them simultaneously.

I just call people in the phone if I want to talk to them.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

ITT people who remember programming VCRs have the temerity to call anyone old.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

We do AGILE with no standardization of what points mean and it's hilarious. Constant points inflation as team leads compete for that sweet sweet praise.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

"We explained to the client how AGILE works and they said No."

- Project Management

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Time tracking systems are great. Yesterday we had company-wide mandatory OT with no notice, so I billed updating my resume and applying to new jobs to the client.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Scientastic posted:

I only recently experienced working on an “agile” project. I have come to the conclusion that the name was given by someone with a heightened sense of irony.
AGILE would work great if I could tell PMs to eat my rear end, but alas, I cannot.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

I have started forcing clients to talk to a project manager to schedule a meeting if they want to talk to me. I am doing this because I used to just call them and they abused that privilege. So now everyone must suffer.

These constant asinine meetings have improved my productivity because now I have an excuse to ignore Skype for 7 hours a day.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Today one of my clients removed a task from the upload queue to ask when it would be uploaded.

It is very urgent you see.

They can do this because we are transparent! :shepicide:

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Outrail posted:

If you have to tell a story I say give the people a story:

My AA meeting was really interesting this week, turns out my dad is an alcoholic too!

We visited my grandmother's grave but it had been vandalized by kids, my grandfather cried.

This week I took my therapist's advice and confronted the man who abused me but now he's senile and doesn't remember.

I was in the office all week, even on the weekend. If someone were to ask you where I was or if you'd seen me you should feel comfortable telling then I was in the office. Because that's where I was, in the office.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Hyrax Attack! posted:

Haha you're right about the in-house podcast thumbnails but they don't write annual reports. Did I already mention it takes eight of them to write an internal online newsletter that's maybe 2 double spaced pages a month, and is unpopular enough they have to bribe people with gift cards to read it?
At my job HR will send you lovely emails if you don't join the weekly management jackoff meeting where we're all forced to listen to the podcast we won't download.

I'd be pissed about this but I know the guy who scammed himself into the job of being in charge of the dumbass podcast and he's a cool dude. He does basically nothing since his team's only responsibility is two newsletters and a 30 minute podcast every month. Since he got the job he has become a much better drummer and I still occasionally go to see his band play.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

We have a client who requires that I have access to their internal email system to respond to the dumbass questions they ask me. As part of having an account on the system I must pass a few mandatory trainings. One of the trainings is active shooter training.

I work from home, if there's an active shooter here it's probably fuckin' me.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Verdugo posted:

There is someone in my org who needs to replace the battery in their smoke alarm and doesn't know how mute works so when we have work from home all hands meetings we get hear it chirping every 15 seconds or whatever.
We make an annual pilgrimage to my fiance's mom's house to celebrate Christmas and replace all the smoke detector batteries because apparently everyone else there is too deaf or oblivious to hear the beep.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Verdugo posted:

We had ours go out in the middle of the night once and I drove to Walmart at 230 am tor replace it because gently caress I am not having that chirp every minute.
That happened to me in my college apartment and maintenance wouldn't fix it until the following Monday. Being poor and an rear end in a top hat I frisbee'd that fucker into the parking lot and then just told them I never had one when they showed up.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Outrail posted:

Narrator: The junior workers were absolutely hosed.

Basically junior workers in some industries kind of need to be mentored and wfh doesn't let that happen in the right way. There needs to be a constant dialogue that gets messed up if you need to send a text or phone message and wait for a response. This could be overcome with concerted effort by management, but it won't. I think a lot of new to industry personnel really won't flourish under wfh.
Create a meeting in Teams for 9-5, invite the whole team. Problem solved.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

All project management systems are stupid because all project managers are useless middle management shitlers who combine the jobs of a salesman and analyst and do them both worse.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

I just don't answer the phone because caller ID is a thing for me since I'm not living in some kind of time hole where it's still 1988.

Also legitimate question here: What do project managers even do?

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

SkyeAuroline posted:

Funny enough, despite having an S21+ and being on Verizon, never did get working caller ID from them or elsewhere. I get a location and that's about it.

But I also don't really get called by scammers so I'll take that as good luck.
I don't much either really. T-Mobile has a pretty good spam blocker and I blacklist any calls from my area code since I haven't lived there in 15 years.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

GI_Clutch posted:

From my experience, things project managers do:
  • Create unrealistic project schedules without looking at anyone's calendars for time off or anything like that
  • Schedule meetings
  • Kickoff meetings and sit in silence until the wrapup
  • Be too afraid to call customer out on bullshit like missing contractual deadlines, giving us less time to actually deliver
  • Agree to do out of scope work without a CR because "we have plenty of hours"
  • Have their Teams messages ignored by me for hours because I'm too busy on another project that you know I'm busy with so gently caress off, Donna!
This excerpt our refuse to use Teams and will only use Skype. No one else is Skype.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

SubponticatePoster posted:

Still younger than Something Awful
I joined this dead website when I was working part time in a deli and doing overnights lifting heavy poo poo. Now I'm in charge of poo poo and I touch phones in my underpants for 5x more money.

Work is fuckin dumb :lol:

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Just found out that HR won't pay out my PTO if I quit and won't approve a PTO sale after I give notice.

Guess who isn't getting notice :lol:

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Thomamelas posted:

Some of the Sheetz here in NC are advertising $15 to $16 an hour starting pay. I'm sure that number is bullshit and dependent on factors no new hire could meet. But when you look at the McDonalds offering $11 an hour, that has to make recruiting harder.
Buc-ee's near where my folks live is offering $17 starting, $19 nights, and more for anyone handling food. Managers are making like $25. According to peeps I know those numbers are real too.

I never made more than $12.50 in that town and wasn't making $20 until I was a loving professional. Good for those folks!

From what I hear the local seasonal tourism employers are getting hosed because nobody wants to deal with them any more now that practically every job is $15+.

gently caress them and I hope several of my old bosses eat poo poo.

Rent-A-Cop fucked around with this message at 01:55 on Jun 24, 2022

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

I joined a consulting firm. They sent me to a big ranch where everyone is very nice.

This is definitely a fuckin' cult but the benefit plan is baller.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Dumb things my work did: Hired me, sent me to Atlanta for orientation, gave me a week of online orientation, sent me to Dallas for orientation, gave me COVID.

One month in and I might actually be able to do some work tomorrow. I'm oriented as gently caress though.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

My former employer ate a ransomware attack a couple weeks after I left and still hasn't asked for their lovely Dell laptop back. I would remind them, but they were mean to me on my way out so :laffo:

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

ChickenDoodle posted:

I wonder if I can get a doctor’s not saying I have a severe allergic reaction to people and offices.
"I have COVID" buys you a couple weeks to look for a new job.

Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

MrQwerty posted:

8 hours before going back after 2 weeks off, I'm sitting around contemplating since I have less than 90 days left before I'm filing UI for being laid off.
Don't wait till you're laid off to file if you've already got a date. A lot of states are still very behind on adjudicating new claims.

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Rent-A-Cop
Oct 15, 2004

I posted my food for USPOL Thanksgiving!

Presenting an education session on a new feature. Except it doesn't exist because management got involved and delayed it for 3 months to add features. We don't know what features either because the client refuses to approve any new designs until their PM comes back from PTO in two weeks. And we can't possibly deploy anything until December.

Should be a short presentation.

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