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Greetings, Gentlepeople of Byo-B. May Ham’mock shine diligently over your days. I come to you with today’s debriefing, but you may keep your briefs on for this one. We have discovered a habited planet in a back-woods corner of the Milky Way. The semi-intelligent beings on this planet call it “Theearth”, or “Earth” for short. Our Tele-probes have observed more than 1,000 years of light from Theearth and a report on our first Earthican observations is now available. Please see attached an Artist’s Rendering (fig 1).  (Theearth is roughly seventeen times larger than Byo-B, though it is dwarfed in stature by Byo-A.) Enormous Planetary Crack (Obj. 1) (named “Grand Can’yon” by Earthicans) is an enormous crack running throughout the planet. The purpose of the Enormous Planetary Crack is yet unclear. It is attached to the nearby “Stone Hinge” (Obj. 2), possibly an impressive feat of neolithic architecture, we are yet unclear whether the hinge is truly made of stone. Even still, a hinge capable of opening an entire planet is a rather impressive feat for Earthicans’ limited technological prowess, regardless of the materials used for construction. (Obj. 3 & 4) “Four-ests” are accumulations of tents (usually green) commonly guarded by “Four-tresses”, which by our estimations are colossal guardian beings similar to our own Bon Jovis. These Four-tresses seem to live in parasitic harmony with Earthicans, at times even allowing them to climb inside their outer shells. “Four” is the Earthican word for the Atlantic Numberal “4”, the inclusion of the Sacred Math within these objects’ names is unclear, though it is not surprising to learn that Atlantissa spilled its lecherous broth across this planet as well. (Obj. 5) Depicts Earthican living spaces, we approximate that three to four Earthicans live inside each structure, swarming out when disturbed in a fashion resembling that of the Hambug. Though Earthicans pose no real threat, they are reported by early scouts to be capable of delivering an incredibly painful sting. More than seventy million of our scouts have been dispatched to Earth on covert assignments of scientific inquiry. Most remarkable in our early learnings is that Earthen currency is remarkably similar to our toilet paper - pan-planetary caches of surplus toilet paper from the virus wars have been sent along with these scouts, who have now purchased Earthican domiciles to begin their work.We expect a flood of new reports on Earthican biodiversity and culture over the coming days. |
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Feb 8, 2021 05:16
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| # ? Apr 20, 2024 05:04 |
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i move that the preliminary scouting reports on unknown objects 7 and 8 be released. if the earthicans are testing technology that allows them to encircle a planet, we need to be made aware of it!
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Feb 8, 2021 16:35
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get some wd40 and spray it on the stone hinge and lets crack this baby open and see what insiude |
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Feb 8, 2021 18:45
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Is it too early to suggest we n'ooke it from orbit? |
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Feb 9, 2021 03:11
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object 6 is a post box come at me feds
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Feb 9, 2021 03:13
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| # ? Apr 20, 2024 05:04 |
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lets just mess w/ their crops and bother their cows for a bit lol |
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Feb 9, 2021 20:45
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