Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Post
  • Reply
numberoneposter
Feb 19, 2014



from now on jokes go in this thread and not other threads. please do not post jokes in other threads, link to posts in thread if you must, but keep all other threads free and clear of jokes.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

William Henry Hairytaint
Oct 29, 2011



I have proof that the OP only exists because the cumshot that made him dribbled out of his mother's rear end in a top hat and down into her vagina (they were doing it doggy).

feelix
Nov 27, 2016



when five guys was just becoming a big thing, one was getting ready to open up on my college campus and me and my friend were walking by it and he was like "why isn't it open yet" and I was like "because look, there's only four guys in there" (you could see 4 men through the window)

AHH F/UGH
May 25, 2002



An Italian, a Jew, and a Greek all die at the same time and find themselves in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them "You three get one more chance to give up your sinful vices and live good lives or you won't go to heaven. You screw up one time here, and you're going to Hell!"

So the three appear on the streets of NYC and are walking home until they pass an pasta restaurant. The Italian takes a biiiiiiiiiig whiff of the delicious tomato sauce coming from the front and poof, he disappears

So the Jew and Greek continue their walk.

Soon, they see a ten-dollar bill laying on the sidewalk. The Jew walks toward it, and the Greek says "No! Don't pick up that ten-dollar bill! You heard what St. Peter said!"

The Jew says, "Oy they're not going to worry about ten measly dollars." So he bends over to pick up the bill, and the Greek disappears.

Zeluth
May 12, 2001



516 922 WINE

Professor Shark
May 22, 2012




AHH F/UGH posted:

An Italian, a Jew, and a Greek all die at the same time and find themselves in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them "You three get one more chance to give up your sinful vices and live good lives or you won't go to heaven. You screw up one time here, and you're going to Hell!"

So the three appear on the streets of NYC and are walking home until they pass an pasta restaurant. The Italian takes a biiiiiiiiiig whiff of the delicious tomato sauce coming from the front and poof, he disappears

So the Jew and Greek continue their walk.

Soon, they see a ten-dollar bill laying on the sidewalk. The Jew walks toward it, and the Greek says "No! Don't pick up that ten-dollar bill! You heard what St. Peter said!"

The Jew says, "Oy they're not going to worry about ten measly dollars." So he bends over to pick up the bill, and the Greek disappears.

Idgi

Is it Racism?

DeadFatDuckFat
Oct 29, 2012

This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.


Professor Shark posted:

Idgi

Is it Racism?

Gay

Meme Poker Party
Sep 1, 2006

THIS NEW AV WILL LET ME POST LIZARD TITS TWICE AS EFFICIENTLY!

IT'S GIVING ME A FUCKING BONER RIGHT NOW!


I'm the notoriously sinful vice "pasta sauce."

Mega64
May 23, 2008





Professor Shark posted:

Idgi

Is it Racism?

The joke is that this never happened and is all the imagination of a thirteen-year-old autistic boy.

my dog died im sad
Jun 29, 2015


numberoneposter posted:

from now on jokes go in this thread and not other threads. please do not post jokes in other threads, link to posts in thread if you must, but keep all other threads free and clear of jokes.

I don't get this joke??

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015



Professor Shark posted:

Idgi

Is it Racism?

He buttfucks him.

William Henry Hairytaint
Oct 29, 2011



The proof is me btw I was the butthole (but I'm not anymore).

Szyznyk
Mar 4, 2008


Zeluth posted:

516 922 WINE

Use your finger!

MakaVillian
Aug 15, 2003

Well, in Whoville they say - that his tiny hands grew three sizes that day.


William Henry Hairytaint posted:

The proof is me btw I was the butthole (but I'm not anymore).

Ehhhhhhh *wiggles hand*

BIG TIT LIL NIP
Oct 5, 2005






my wife

Professor Shark
May 22, 2012




I dont like that joke

Edit: not your wife

DarkSoulsTantrum
Apr 6, 2011

this kills the crab

Sure, they're visually impressive, but a lot of posters find large avatars physically uncomfortable. Furthermore, the owners of large avatars often rely on their size alone and don't bother to develop more refined posting techniques.





Cross posting this from the actual joke thread because its the best joke ever. If you ever tell it at a party, be sure to act it out.

Al Cu Ad Solte posted:

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms You have finally freed me after all these years, so Ill grant each one of you 3 wishes. The first guy immediately blurts out I want a billion dollars. POOF, hes holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,000

The second man thinks for a bit, then says I want to be the richest man alive. POOF, hes holding papers showing his net worth is now well over $100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life. POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them its time for their second wish. First guy says: I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth. POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want. POOF, his looks change and the first guys wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die. POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die. POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees dont bother him any more.

Second guy says I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever. POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth. POOF, hes now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: Ive invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and Ive never gotten so much as a cold in all these years. Second guy smiles and says Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, Im still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I havent aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

Guys, I think I hosed up.

ninjoatse.cx
Apr 9, 2005



Fun Shoe

How many Germans does it take a to screw in a lightbulb?

One, they're efficient but not very funny.

Heated Gaming Moment
Feb 27, 2016

YOSPOS




Whats the difference between Baptists and Methodists?

Methodists wave to each other in the liquor store.

low key sex master
May 27, 2004






numberoneposter

There's the joke

down1nit
Jan 9, 2004

outlive your enemies

DarkSoulsTantrum posted:

Cross posting this from the actual joke thread because it’s the best joke ever. If you ever tell it at a party, be sure to act it out.

This is amazing

Wendigee
Jul 19, 2004




turn off your monitor for the joke

BigBadSteve
Apr 29, 2009

Self Defense
Nil Satanus carborundum

Yeshua akbar!
(Xtian anarchisto, no bombo)


A guy is at a restaurant, and he walks into the bathroom to take a piss. While he's peeing, a very short man in a green suit with bright orange hair walks in and takes the urinal next him. The first man, being naturally curious, looks around the divider for a comparison,and sees that the short, orange haired man has a monstrous penis. Shocked, the first man strikes up a conversation and says, "Hey, I couldn't help but notice that you have a huge dick." The short man replies with a very thick Irish accent, "Well yes, I'm a leprechaun, ya know." The first man says, "Well, if you'e a leprechaun, that means you grant wishes, right?" The leprechaun says, "Sure I grant wishes. Whatcha want, son?" He replies, "I would like to have a large dick like yours." The leprechaun nods and says, "Big dick? No problem. But, as payment, I have to do ya." The first man looks confused for a second and says, "Do me? What do you mean by that?" The leprechaun chuckles and says, "Well imma take you in the stall, bend you over and do ya." The man considers it and accepts the offer. They go into the stall, and the leprechaun starts doing him, and asks "So, son, what's your name?" The man grunts and says, "Tommy." "How old are you, Tommy?" "Twenty six." The leprechaun chuckles for a second and says, "Tommy, don't you think 26 is a little old to be believing in leprechauns?"

low key sex master
May 27, 2004






BigBadSteve posted:

A guy is at a restaurant, and he walks into the bathroom to take a piss. While he's peeing, a very short man in a green suit with bright orange hair walks in and takes the urinal next him. The first man, being naturally curious, looks around the divider for a comparison,and sees that the short, orange haired man has a monstrous penis. Shocked, the first man strikes up a conversation and says, "Hey, I couldn't help but notice that you have a huge dick." The short man replies with a very thick Irish accent, "Well yes, I'm a leprechaun, ya know." The first man says, "Well, if you'e a leprechaun, that means you grant wishes, right?" The leprechaun says, "Sure I grant wishes. Whatcha want, son?" He replies, "I would like to have a large dick like yours." The leprechaun nods and says, "Big dick? No problem. But, as payment, I have to do ya." The first man looks confused for a second and says, "Do me? What do you mean by that?" The leprechaun chuckles and says, "Well imma take you in the stall, bend you over and do ya." The man considers it and accepts the offer. They go into the stall, and the leprechaun starts doing him, and asks "So, son, what's your name?" The man grunts and says, "Tommy." "How old are you, Tommy?" "Twenty six." The leprechaun chuckles for a second and says, "Tommy, don't you think 26 is a little old to be believing in leprechauns?"

lmao

Internetjack
Sep 15, 2007

oh god how did this get here i am not good with computers


Top Cop

Its my favorite party joke and its pretty terrible, but the context is important. It was told to me by a matronly grandmother lady probably in her late 70s, at some BBQ picnic thing I was at. Imagine your grandmother telling you this joke.


There is an accident and a guy's wife ends up in a coma in the hospital. After a week or two the doctors are stumped, not sure how to revive her. They talk with the husband, suggesting maybe he can sit with her and read a favorite book, or even just the newspaper. The husband is willing to try anything, so yeah... Doctors say we will be in the next room monitoring her signs. Unfortunately nothing changes. The docs say they will discuss it and come up with another plan.

The next week they suggest he holds her hand, brushes her hair, talk to her, etc, maybe the physical contact from her husband will work. Husband is a-okay with that. Docs say they will monitor from the next room. Again though, nothing changes. The doctors again say they will discuss it and see what they can suggest.

Third week, and the docs suggest that though this is very personal, maybe some oral stimulation could cause a reaction. Husband is all in, anything at this point. Again, docs say they will be in the next room monitoring. The docs leave.

Monitoring from the next room, the docs are watching vital signs. Suddenly the heart rate monitor goes from beep...beep...beep, to BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP and then a flatline...
They rush into the patient's room...

The husband is buck naked totally panicked out. They ask what happened. His reply:

"I think she choked."

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004


here he comes
and he's gone again


Nap Ghost

what did the italian cheesemaker say when his cheese factory exploded?

gouda grief-a!

Chrs
Sep 21, 2015



drat OP well miss you in the other threads

gary oldmans diary
Sep 26, 2005



DarkSoulsTantrum posted:

Cross posting this from the actual joke thread because its the best joke ever. If you ever tell it at a party, be sure to act it out.
heh pretty good

Chrs posted:

drat OP well miss you in the other threads
hes just going to be in other threads jokeless and morose. somberoneposter

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019



What do Jehova's Witnesses and Balls have in common?

They knock but they never get in.

Nefarious 2.0
Apr 22, 2008

Offense is overrated anyway.



Ventral EggSac posted:

What do Jehova's Witnesses and Balls have in common?

They knock but they never get in.

may I direct you to the balldo thread

YeahTubaMike
Mar 24, 2005

*hic* Gotta finish thish . . .


Doctor Rope

guess what

chicken butt

AHH F/UGH posted:

An Italian, a Jew, and a Greek all die at the same time and find themselves in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them "You three get one more chance to give up your sinful vices and live good lives or you won't go to heaven. You screw up one time here, and you're going to Hell!"

So the three appear on the streets of NYC and are walking home until they pass an pasta restaurant. The Italian takes a biiiiiiiiiig whiff of the delicious tomato sauce coming from the front and poof, he disappears

So the Jew and Greek continue their walk.

Soon, they see a ten-dollar bill laying on the sidewalk. The Jew walks toward it, and the Greek says "No! Don't pick up that ten-dollar bill! You heard what St. Peter said!"

The Jew says, "Oy they're not going to worry about ten measly dollars." So he bends over to pick up the bill, and the Greek disappears.

If smelling food is a sin, then I'm going to double hell or something.

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019



Nefarious 2.0 posted:

may I direct you to the balldo thread

Oh, I've been there many times, heh



(Balldo == Watchtower??? gently caress )

Geemer
Nov 4, 2010




I Ii
II I-

gary oldmans diary
Sep 26, 2005



it turns out that hobbits name was bilbo. theres probably a joke in there someone could think of

Songbearer
Jul 12, 2007




Fuck you say?


This joke only works if you're a Brummie

What kitchen utensil is both cheap and costly?

Six pence sieve

Space Race Riot
Jun 4, 2014

Meowdy Purrdner



Grimey Drawer

Internetjack posted:

Its my favorite party joke and its pretty terrible, but the context is important. It was told to me by a matronly grandmother lady probably in her late 70s, at some BBQ picnic thing I was at. Imagine your grandmother telling you this joke.


There is an accident and a guy's wife ends up in a coma in the hospital. After a week or two the doctors are stumped, not sure how to revive her. They talk with the husband, suggesting maybe he can sit with her and read a favorite book, or even just the newspaper. The husband is willing to try anything, so yeah... Doctors say we will be in the next room monitoring her signs. Unfortunately nothing changes. The docs say they will discuss it and come up with another plan.

The next week they suggest he holds her hand, brushes her hair, talk to her, etc, maybe the physical contact from her husband will work. Husband is a-okay with that. Docs say they will monitor from the next room. Again though, nothing changes. The doctors again say they will discuss it and see what they can suggest.

Third week, and the docs suggest that though this is very personal, maybe some oral stimulation could cause a reaction. Husband is all in, anything at this point. Again, docs say they will be in the next room monitoring. The docs leave.

Monitoring from the next room, the docs are watching vital signs. Suddenly the heart rate monitor goes from beep...beep...beep, to BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP and then a flatline...
They rush into the patient's room...

The husband is buck naked totally panicked out. They ask what happened. His reply:

"I think she choked."
Norm MacDonald tells the best version of this ever, but it's awesome an old grandmother-type was telling it lol

Space Race Riot fucked around with this message at 22:50 on Feb 24, 2021

Methanar
Sep 26, 2013
ASK ME ABOUT NOT TIPPING DELIVERY DRIVERS, OR ABOUT MY DIET OF CANNED BABY CORN AND CHICKEN NUGGETS

this thread is a joke

Space Race Riot
Jun 4, 2014

Meowdy Purrdner



Grimey Drawer

A jewish rabbi and a catholic preist are on a plane filled with seminary students on their way to do missionary work. Suddenly the engines fail and the plane begins to plummet from 30,000 feet. The pilot can't control it, it's clear that there only a few minutes left before the inevitable impact. Priest turns to the rabbi and says, we should gently caress these boys. The rabbi responds, out of what?

gary oldmans diary
Sep 26, 2005



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYvVMmV7khM#t=531s

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

William Henry Hairytaint
Oct 29, 2011



Space Race Riot posted:

A jewish rabbi and a catholic preist are on a plane filled with seminary students on their way to do missionary work. Suddenly the engines fail and the plane begins to plummet from 30,000 feet. The pilot can't control it, it's clear that there only a few minutes left before the inevitable impact. Priest turns to the rabbi and says, we should gently caress these boys. The rabbi responds, out of what?

That preist has gone rouge and the cheifs at the vatican need to send an enfrocer to bring him back in line!!

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Post
  • Reply