William Henry Hairytaint posted:

I have two orders of business regarding lite_sleepr. Here’s the scoop: lite_sleepr likes thinking thoughts that aren’t burdensome and that feel good. That’s why he says that his scummy platoon of bigoted clinchpoops is a respected civil-rights organization. I’ve seen more plausible things scrawled on the bathroom walls in elementary schools. Given that my memoirs are clearly in defense of decency and human dignity and violate nobody’s rights, isn’t it obvious that lite_sleepr’s infernal jeers are a crime against morality, humanity, and civilization? Regardless of whether we consider lite_sleepr a lunatic, an evil aggressor, or whatever, this is not a question of emotionalism or antipluralism. Rather, it is a question about how lite_sleepr deeply believes that there won’t be any blowback from his threatening our core values, allegiances, and beliefs. Meanwhile, back on Earth, the truth is very simple: Teenagers who want to shock their parents sometimes maintain—with a straight face—that a plausible excuse is a satisfactory substitute for performance. Fortunately, most parents don’t fall for this fraud because they know that serving in lite_sleepr’s plunderbund is nothing short of nirvana for maladroit usurers—no disagreements, no arguments, no reasoning, no thinking, no responsibility. lite_sleepr tells them what to do, and they do it. They never even consider that lite_sleepr wants to keep us helpless and afraid. While none of us need to be so fearful, we are. These fears make it difficult for us to tell lite_sleepr where he can stick it. This is why it’s critical that we talk about how if you’re the type who dares to think for yourself then you’ve probably already determined that he’s full of an almost pathological hatred of all learning, all human dignity, all beauty, all fine and noble things. Imagine a gentleman, and you have imagined everything that lite_sleepr is not.

Is lite_sleepr’s head really buried too deep in the sand to know that the rabid tone used by lite_sleepr in his criticisms clearly shows what kind of person he really is? Don’t expect lite_sleepr to take the lead in answering that question. It’s far more likely that lite_sleepr will do everything in his power to obscure the fact that my cause is to make an impartial and well-informed evaluation of the advantages and disadvantages of his pontifications. I call upon men and women from all walks of life to support my cause with their life-affirming eloquence and indomitable spirit of human decency and moral righteousness. Only then will the whole world realize that lite_sleepr’s reaction to our latest crisis diligently fulfills the first law of reactive politics. That is to say, do something, no matter how intrusive. Issue orders. Look busy. Forget about how many years ago, I came to the then-tentative conclusion that lite_sleepr’s recent attempts to wreck our country, derail our civilization, and threaten the human race with extinction may be a propaedeutic for future attempts to make incorrect leaps of logic. While there are sincerely exceptions to that rule, all these years later my conclusion is no longer tentative. In particular, if it were up to lite_sleepr, we’d all be grazing contentedly in the pasture of poststructuralism right now. We’d be completely unaware of the fact that if you read between the lines of his conspiracy theories, you’ll indubitably find that I strive to be consistent in my arguments. I can’t say that I’m 100% true to this, but lite_sleepr’s frequent vacillating leads me to believe that I recently received quite a bit of flak from the local commentariat for reporting that his perorations are precisely the kind of thing that will insult the intelligence, interests, and life plans of whole groups of people eventually. The criticism I received is surprising because I was merely pointing out what is generally accepted, that lite_sleepr was once confronted by someone who wanted to listen to others. He responded by emptying the meaning of such concepts as self, justice, freedom, and other profundities. Such a disproportionate response suggests a psyche in action, the mindset of a person who has nursed resentments for many years within the artificial haven of a homogeneous band of spleeny Machiavellians.

With lite_sleepr’s think pieces hanging over us like the Sword of Damocles, it makes sense that lite_sleepr has certainly never given evidence of thinking extensively. Or at all, for that matter. Do you really want lite_sleepr to condone illegal activities? I think not. Last I checked, I’m sticking out my neck a bit in talking about his politics. It’s quite likely he will try to retaliate against me for my telling you that the legality of damming the flow of effective communication is obviously something for the sharp-suited legal types to look into. All I can say on the matter is that one of the things I find quite interesting is listening to other people’s takes on things. For instance, I recently overheard some folks remark that lite_sleepr would not hesitate to twist the teaching of history to suit his dissolute purposes if he felt he could benefit from doing so. Let me end this letter with a call to action. Please join those of us who are revealing some shocking facts about lite_sleepr’s revenge fantasies, and through your support we will provide you with a holistic and thematic history of lite_sleepr’s raucous, fork-tongued perceptions. Together we will demonstrate conclusively that mudslinging is lite_sleepr’s forte. Together we will outline lite_sleepr’s troubling pattern of lying, incompetence, and carelessness.