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google THIS



google THIS posted:

Trying to catch a surreal killer

The murder weapon was this melting clock. Suspect is believed to have fled on a thirty-foot elephant.

google THIS posted:

"That's him officer, the man with the apple covering his face."

FactsAreUseless posted:

Mystery On The Fireplace Express

RickRogers posted:

Murders all take place in strangely empty Spanish plazzas

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Nexein

"Donuts of
Champions"


Send these prints we picked up from the lobster telephone down to forensics

https://giant.gfycat.com/FragrantGorgeousLeech.mp4
Spring masterpiece courtesy of Prof. Crocodile, thanks!

Stoner Sloth



police powerless to solve the crime spree after a killer carefully writes 'this is not a murder victim' in french next to each of the bodies


https://giant.gfycat.com/AngelicIndolentAlligatorsnappingturtle.mp4
sigs by the awesome Manifisto, Vanisher, City of Glompton, Pot Smoke Phoenix, Nut, Heather Papps and Prof Crocodile!!- ty friends!

Manifisto




"it's the damndest thing, folks" said the lead detective to his squad. "this is a photo of the corpse. forensics shows that it has been shot, strangled, poisoned, stabbed, sawn in half, bludgeoned by a lead pipe, and stung by a toxic jellyfish while 500 miles from the nearest ocean. and yet," he frowned, "somehow, this is not a murder."

e: ^^^


ty heather papps and luvcow

google THIS



"We believe the victim was pushed down some stairs."

"Where is the body?"

"Still falling."

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN


I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.




Determining the time of death has proven difficult because, I mean, just look at all the clocks.

Luvcow




this police sketch is just terrible, like how does the suspect have eyes on the side of his face and what the gently caress is even going on with his nose?

nut


Stoner Sloth posted:

police powerless to solve the crime spree after a killer carefully writes 'this is not a murder victim' in french next to each of the bodies


Manifisto posted:

"it's the damndest thing, folks" said the lead detective to his squad. "this is a photo of the corpse. forensics shows that it has been shot, strangled, poisoned, stabbed, sawn in half, bludgeoned by a lead pipe, and stung by a toxic jellyfish while 500 miles from the nearest ocean. and yet," he frowned, "somehow, this is not a murder."

e: ^^^

lol

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/BowedParallelAcouchi-mobile.mp4
god bles manifisto for the springtime signature

nut


Officer: It took us all night, detective, but we think we've solved it. But, hey, don't let me spoil it for you, take a look for yourself.

Detective: *nervous* ha ha ya totally...wow, great work ha ha who would have guessed it was them. Not me ha ha. Now maybe you could spoil it for me for fun, ha ha I'm just an audio learner or

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/BowedParallelAcouchi-mobile.mp4
god bles manifisto for the springtime signature

Luvcow




nut posted:

Officer: It took us all night, detective, but we think we've solved it. But, hey, don't let me spoil it for you, take a look for yourself.

Detective: *nervous* ha ha ya totally...wow, great work ha ha who would have guessed it was them. Not me ha ha. Now maybe you could spoil it for me for fun, ha ha I'm just an audio learner or


Buttchocks

No, I like my hat, thanks.


Chief, we intercepted a phone call that we think is the killer, but he's disguising his voice by whispering through a flute.

Manifisto




"anything unusual about the body?"

"well, she was filled with ants, and was arguably a pile of rocks on a cliff"

"hmm. well, he has a type"


ty heather papps and luvcow

PHIZ KALIFA
ABS THUNDERSKULL.

element: thunderbolts.

steed: a thunderbolt.

slogan/motto: "gonna clap them cheeks like a Thunderskull."


going undercover by elongating my left asscheek to such comic proportions that it necessetates a supporting cane, then draping a steak over it.

mods only know two things: eat hot grape and lie

Heather Papps


hello internet friend




"i'm getting too old for this poo poo," the grizzled detective grunts as he collapses into his chair, loosening his tie. "when i started on the force things were impressionistic, i guess. you could solve the case if you could get enough perspective. but these days, the closer i look, the less things make sense!"


tyvm hbag

Manifisto




for the hundredth time, detective smith takes out the crime scene photo and pores over every detail. "it just doesn't make sense," he mutters. but this time, something clicks, and his eyes widen. "sarge, you've got to see this," he says urgently.

"what is it, detective?"

with a trembling hand, smith grabs the photo and flips it upside down. "do you see it?" he breathes. "maybe the victim was descending the staircase."


ty heather papps and luvcow

Jaguars!




Homicide detective: Call Arson. This ain't my department

Policeman: But he's not burnt, there's a knife in his back

Detective: But look at this:

Jaguars!




lol should have known that one would already have been done twice

Gramps





yes, we found some moustache hairs at the crime scene, but they were found on the fourth dimensional plane of a hypercube so it turns out they might not actually be there yet. get me my typewriter that has all R keys so I can drop a quick note to the hyperbolic topologist on duty. Maybe he can make sense of this.

Fake Edit: It turns out I contaminated the crime scene and now the chief is up my rear end. We gotta catch this guy before my blood pressure kills me.

google THIS



drat, his alibi checks out. The murder took place at a pond with three swans but he was at a pond with three elephants.

nut


the usual suspects line up looking like an animorph book cover

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/BowedParallelAcouchi-mobile.mp4
god bles manifisto for the springtime signature

Luvcow




*holds up a floppy knife that has the consistency of a flaccid penis* i uh... I think I found the murder weapon

Gramps





the killer wanted us to find this

*holds up a half eaten baguette sticking out of an old boot*

but what is he trying to tell us

Gramps





apparently he kept his victims in a petting zoo and dressed them up in one of those 2 man horse costumes and then let a fat man ride them across a moat filled with old VCRs. The woman in the front half of the costume made a break for it when the man in the back half tripped over a stack of gore vidal novels. She's in the next room giving her statement. would you mind grabbing me a cup of coffee? I think it's gonna be awhile. She just got to the part about the treehouse full of eels.

Buttchocks

No, I like my hat, thanks.


Freeze! Put your hands in the air! Now put the hands growing out of your fingertips in the air! And the hands growing out of the fingertips of those hands! It's hands all the way up!

PHIZ KALIFA
ABS THUNDERSKULL.

element: thunderbolts.

steed: a thunderbolt.

slogan/motto: "gonna clap them cheeks like a Thunderskull."


they released a police sketch of the suspect but it just looks like a bunch of atoms floating in space.

mods only know two things: eat hot grape and lie

Royal Updog

Do you ever wonder if there are other planets out there
(source)

*Sat across from the killer in an intense tête-à-tête. He produces a work from my cubist period.*
"If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"


original sig do not steal

Heather Papps


hello internet friend




it seems the killer transforms his victims into bugs, then stomps on them

not our purview, that's kafkaesque killers - wait - he turns them into bugs, or they turn into bugs when he stomps on them. the latter would need to be directed to lynchian murders.


tyvm hbag

PHIZ KALIFA
ABS THUNDERSKULL.

element: thunderbolts.

steed: a thunderbolt.

slogan/motto: "gonna clap them cheeks like a Thunderskull."


you know it's a dali when the murder is just a less good copy of a murder already done by vyes tanguy

mods only know two things: eat hot grape and lie

Manifisto




PHIZ KALIFA posted:

you know it's a dali when the murder is just a less good copy of a murder already done by vyes tanguy

the shade


ty heather papps and luvcow

PHIZ KALIFA
ABS THUNDERSKULL.

element: thunderbolts.

steed: a thunderbolt.

slogan/motto: "gonna clap them cheeks like a Thunderskull."


he wasn't even his family's first salvadore. and now his ghost lives in the shadow his ego cast upon the world. i do not envy the man, nor what he called success.

mods only know two things: eat hot grape and lie

Prof. Crocodile



Dammit we need leads! A fingerprint, some security footage, a backward-talking midget in a suit... anything!


thank you heather papps for this historically great sig!
thank you deep dish peat moss for preparing me for The War with dope rhymes!

Gramps





"what's in the box"
"Mills, put the gun down"
"cmon man what's in the loving box"
"goddammit put the gun down"
*opens box*
*a duck wearing galoshes hops out of the box"

minecraft_holmes

FLUFFERNUTTER


ces't ne pas une knife

*BLAM*


thanks blaise rascal!

RickRogers

Woh, is that a thing I like??


"can somebody get rid of these damned pink elephants screwing up my crime scene??? And someone sweep up all these ants and pomegranates!"



Where's the body lieutenant?

It's endlessly tessellating with itself chief and...ohhh now it's butterfly's or something.

fartzilla

how disgusting

currently investigating a non-euclidean crime scene, not sure how to pick up the bullet casing that is simultaneously on and underneath the sidewalk???

Bacon Taco

Now with extra narwhal meat!
HAIKOOLIGAN

grand jury indicts a ham sandwich, and that ham sandwich is actually the murderer



alnilam


Posting in the springtime




ty blaise rascal

PHIZ KALIFA
ABS THUNDERSKULL.

element: thunderbolts.

steed: a thunderbolt.

slogan/motto: "gonna clap them cheeks like a Thunderskull."


im presented with a confession, instead of signing it i draw an elaborate sketch, thus making the paper more valuable than the financial value of all those crimes i absolutely just did.

mods only know two things: eat hot grape and lie

alexandriao

"What're quantum mechanics?"
"I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose."


Bacon Taco posted:

grand jury indicts a ham sandwich, and that ham sandwich is actually the murderer

unrelated but do you sell bacon tacos and if so where can i buy one thank you

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nut


detective: thanks ma'am, now could you explain what the perpetrator looked like?

ma'am: the feeling of a crushing anxiety, a cd-rom full of pain inserted into my mouth, light, but shattered

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/BowedParallelAcouchi-mobile.mp4
god bles manifisto for the springtime signature

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