Tactical Cargo Pants: it's 2021 guys

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Tactical Cargo Pants: it's 2021 guys

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

Cargo pants own, never let a crazy fashion woman diminish your masculinity. We are men, we are strong, we are practical, we wear cargo pants. :hai:

# ? Mar 9, 2021 01:23

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 14:34

BigBallChunkyTime: Nov 25, 2011; Kyle Schwarber: World Series hero, Beefy Lad, better than you.; Illegal Hen

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

Cargo pants own, never let a crazy fashion woman diminish your masculinity. We are men, we are strong, we are practical, we wear cargo pants.

More room to keep our tools and other manly items on our person.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 01:30

vandalism: Aug 4, 2003

Palpek posted:

shorty got that thicc knee

# ? Mar 9, 2021 02:12

Weka: May 5, 2019; That child totally had it coming. Nobody should be able to be out at dusk except cars.

Spinz posted:

All the guys in the Op look hot (except last pic)

I was going to criticize these pants for being too tight for the cargo pockets to be of much use, but I see it is a cost worth paying.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 02:12

Bad Purchase: Jun 17, 2019

It�s 2021 men, if you aren�t dressing like a JoJo character, fashion has sadly left you behind.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 02:37

CPL593H: Oct 28, 2009; I know what you did last summer, and frankly I am displeased.

Palpek posted:

They're realy enthusiastic about chopping off those balls.

Tactical Cargo Pants are the official pants of cock and ball torture.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 02:49

istewart: Apr 13, 2005; Still contemplating why I didn't register here under a clever pseudonym

thx op, any word on fresh Utilikilts?

# ? Mar 9, 2021 02:53

Fartington Butts: Jan 21, 2007

istewart posted:

thx op, any word on fresh Utilikilts?

Yes. The new ones have a built in fan that blows air on your business region.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 03:12

Flannelette: Jan 17, 2010

I will buy any pant that lets me slide down rocks without being shredded and is easy to move in I am sick of having to wear kevlar bike pants while 'sploring.
Not going to lie these pants would be really useful for me in the forest.

feelix posted:

If only taser balls guy had one of these

That's a good point, do these pants have the conductive weave you can make that discharges taser weapons?

Flannelette fucked around with this message at 03:46 on Mar 9, 2021

# ? Mar 9, 2021 03:26

feelix: Nov 27, 2016; THE ONLY EXERCISE I AM UNFAMILIAR WITH IS EXERCISING MY ABILITY TO MAKE A POST PEOPLE WANT TO READ

If only taser balls guy had one of these

# ? Mar 9, 2021 03:32

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

The most tactical things I've ever seen.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 03:50

knuthgrush: Jun 25, 2008; Be brave; clench fists.

i was looking for some new pants for the woods recently. i wish i knew about the pants that stop me from stabbing myself in the balls, though. i mean after a while alone in the woods your mind plays tricks on you and you think maybe your gonads are talkin' to you... they tell you to do terrible things.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 03:52

Fartington Butts: Jan 21, 2007

knuthgrush posted:

i was looking for some new pants for the woods recently. i wish i knew about the pants that stop me from stabbing myself in the balls, though. i mean after a while alone in the woods your mind plays tricks on you and you think maybe your gonads are talkin' to you... they tell you to do terrible things.

Ball Witch Project

# ? Mar 9, 2021 05:01

Mrs. Dash: Apr 11, 2009

I have some tacticool cargo pants for hiking and let me tell you they own. I fill all the pockets up with snacks for easy access

# ? Mar 9, 2021 05:24

Full Metal Jackass: Jan 22, 2001; Rabid bats are welcome in my home

Mrs. Dash posted:

I have some tacticool cargo pants for hiking and let me tell you they own. I fill all the pockets up with snacks for easy access

For some reason I read "snacks" as cheese and had to do a quick reread.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 05:25

knuthgrush: Jun 25, 2008; Be brave; clench fists.

Full Metal Jackass posted:

For some reason I read "snacks" as cheese and had to do a quick reread.

*notices ur cargo bulge*

you gonna eat those cheese curds?

# ? Mar 9, 2021 05:26

Do it ironically: Jul 13, 2010; by Pragmatica

Can I purchase these through budk?

# ? Mar 9, 2021 05:27

knuthgrush: Jun 25, 2008; Be brave; clench fists.

Do it ironically posted:

Can I purchase these through budk?

The other posters cheese curds or the knife to try to stab your nards through your britches?

# ? Mar 9, 2021 05:44

Milo and POTUS: Sep 3, 2017; I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?

Spinz posted:

All the guys in the Op look hot (except last pic)

what are you talking about the last pic they're topless

# ? Mar 9, 2021 05:53

Ferdinand Bardamu: Apr 30, 2013

Following

Cargo pants are awful you goony goons.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 05:56

Full Metal Jackass: Jan 22, 2001; Rabid bats are welcome in my home

WaryWarren posted:

Following

Cargo pants are awful you goony goons.

If you're not a fan of cheese just say it.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 05:58

A Bakers Cousin: Dec 18, 2003; by vyelkin

Those all seem rather snug. I always wore really baggy army pants when I had to wear tactical pants

# ? Mar 9, 2021 06:06

gloom: Feb 1, 2003; distracted from distraction by distraction

Flannelette posted:

I will buy any pant that lets me slide down rocks without being shredded and is easy to move in I am sick of having to wear kevlar bike pants while 'sploring.
Not going to lie these pants would be really useful for me in the forest.

That's a good point, do these pants have the conductive weave you can make that discharges taser weapons?

Have you tried rock-climbing pants for this? They seemed popular when I occasionally bouldered at the gym or visited a crag in the before times. Tough, light fabrics, cut for freedom of movement without being loose enough to catch on stuff. Having a gusseted crotch is great for anyone, irrespective of the size or status of their junk. And unlike most of these tactical pants, they make you look like a free-spirited outdoor type, rather than a fascist cosplayer or a cop (lot of overlap there).

# ? Mar 9, 2021 06:29

Do it ironically: Jul 13, 2010; by Pragmatica

knuthgrush posted:

The other posters cheese curds or the knife to try to stab your nards through your britches?

Nard pards

# ? Mar 9, 2021 06:40

Brother Tadger: Feb 15, 2012; I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!

Palpek posted:

Is that a tactical- gusset or a hidden-gusset? This is important.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 06:42

Sophy Wackles: Dec 17, 2000; > access main security grid
access: PERMISSION DENIED.

How could someone even go outside without cargo pants? Where do you keep all your EDC stuff??

# ? Mar 9, 2021 06:50

Punkinhead: Apr 2, 2015

Pawn 17 posted:

How could someone even go outside without cargo pants? Where do you keep all your EDC stuff??

go outside??????

# ? Mar 9, 2021 07:17

CPL593H: Oct 28, 2009; I know what you did last summer, and frankly I am displeased.

I really want to get into this scam of throwing the word "tactical" before the name of some lovely overpriced subpar junk that sells like hotcakes to grown rear end men who are still terrified that someone might call them a homo. The people doing this must be making a goddamn fortune because I see it absolutely everywhere. I recently saw an add for a "tactical" diaper bag.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 08:43

eSports Chaebol: Feb 22, 2005; Yeah, actually, gamers in the house forever,

Super Nintendo 64 posted:

>tactical pocket i never use after it got sand in it

Are you an idiot? There�s nothing more TACTICAL than pocket sand!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTAXUYLbFYk

# ? Mar 9, 2021 08:51

Dignity Van Houten: Jul 28, 2006; abcdefghijk
ELLAMENNO-P

I like the fireproof material that expands to 1,000 times its size. So if the pants can be rolled up and fit into a pringles can, then if you expose it to fire it will expand to a space equivalent to 2 and a half standard bathtubs, or a queen sized waterbed

# ? Mar 9, 2021 08:54

CPL593H: Oct 28, 2009; I know what you did last summer, and frankly I am displeased.

Dignity Van Houten posted:

I like the fireproof material that expands to 1,000 times its size. So if the pants can be rolled up and fit into a pringles can, then if you expose it to fire it will expand to a space equivalent to 2 and a half standard bathtubs, or a queen sized waterbed

I found that part to be almost absurd enough for me to want to buy these pants so I can set them on fire. Do they just puff up and then you look like you're wearing that suit from the Missy Elliott video? A thousand times their original size seems like it would be huge. Do you get stuck in them and have to cut yourself out? Because if you do you're not going to have much luck, we've already seen what happens when you try and cut that fabric. I'm starting to think that these so called safety features make these much more dangerous than regular pants.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 09:02

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

BigBallChunkyTime posted:

More room to keep our tools and other manly items on our person.

Yeah let me see a WOMAN pull a perfectly UNSMOOSHED roast beef SANDWICH out of her PURSE! Not gonna happen. Leave this one up to the MEN! :fella:

# ? Mar 9, 2021 11:08

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

You might be asking - where do you keep the knife that your tactical pants are stopping you from using to chop your balls with?

# ? Mar 9, 2021 11:26

Weka: May 5, 2019; That child totally had it coming. Nobody should be able to be out at dusk except cars.

CPL593H posted:

I found that part to be almost absurd enough for me to want to buy these pants so I can set them on fire. Do they just puff up and then you look like you're wearing that suit from the Missy Elliott video? A thousand times their original size seems like it would be huge. Do you get stuck in them and have to cut yourself out? Because if you do you're not going to have much luck, we've already seen what happens when you try and cut that fabric. I'm starting to think that these so called safety features make these much more dangerous than regular pants.

The pants don't become 1000x bigger, merely the material, which makes up a small proportion of the pants.

# ? Mar 9, 2021 12:15