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Hell yeah another beets thread!
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Mar 24, 2021 02:44
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Odds on Big Wayne getting his leg injured by a vehicle?
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Mar 24, 2021 02:47
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DeadFatDuckFat posted:Odds on Big Wayne getting his leg injured by a vehicle? lol
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Mar 24, 2021 02:50
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Waiting for that permanent dye.
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Mar 24, 2021 09:55
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Chapter 8 Before The Storm https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsC6ybaefwM The next afternoon I woke up and found Charlie in the living room, surrounded by a bunch of fabric and sewing supplies. I assumed it was just one of her regular projects like a dress. "Whatchya workin' on? A new dress for you or a cool shirt for me?" "Nah, it's something else. You'll see... they'll see. They'll all see. Sort of." That made me nervous because she said it in the same tone that she used when she was planning some kind of weird and terrifying prank on me. "Ooooookay," I said. I knew she wouldn't have told me anything else so there was no sense in asking. It was the weekend, so I only had to work with the carnies. It was nearing the end of their stay. After two more days they were going to start breaking everything down to get ready to move on to the next town. Charlie said she'd come by later and hang out to see what else she could learn about Big Wayne. She also said she was going to give something to Hector. That night while making my rounds and picking up litter I spotted BulletHead along with D-Train and his crew talking to Charlie near Hector's pen. As usual, Alcindor was with that loving creepy two faced rabbit. I was thinking that they were plotting to play a prank on me but as I got closer I realized that something was going on with Hector. He was being very vocal and was rubbing his head on Charlie and the kids. It looked like he was happy. Charlie reached up and put something on his head. He started singing, clearly enjoying what was going on. Then he turned around a bit and I could see his rear end as well.  Charlie made a little pink bow for his tail- just like Eeyore's- and also got him a big hat. And it was a big hat indeed- it had to be to fit Hector's huge head. It was obvious Hector loved all the attention. He was always happy when kids were around, but this was a new level. It made his situation with Wayne even more frustrating because Hector was such a sweet, sweet animal. I laughed and said the hat and bow looked great, and asked Charlie if it was what she had been working on. Laughing, she said "Oh, no. No no no. Not at all. Heh." My eyes widened but I couldn't say anything because it was so ominous sounding and I was afraid. The two Waynes saw what was going on and came over. "What the gently caress are you doing to my donkey?! Take that poo poo off of him!" "Tell 'im Big Wayne, TELL 'IM!" D-Train was the first to say something. "No! Don't! He likes it! And it looks good on him!" "Yeah! He looks sooooo cute!", added Courtney. "Who did this poo poo?" asked Wayne. "I did", said Charlie. Wayne started to move toward Charlie. Before I could do anything, D-Train stepped between them. He was a big and brave kid and while I appreciated Danny intervening, I wasn't going to let him fight my battle or get hurt. I pulled him back and told Wayne to back off. "I told you fuckers to not mess with my donkey. Get the gently caress out of here." He looked at me and said "You're fired. Don't come back." The kids started yelling at Wayne. He yanked the two faced rabbit from Alcindor's hands and tossed it on the ground. Alcindor jumped at Wayne but BulletHead stopped him from getting too close. Wayne grabbed the hat off Hector's head, threw it on the ground and stomped it. Little Wayne ripped the bow from Hector's tail. I looked at Charlie and could tell she was about to go ballistic. She yelled something in her thick angry Cajun accent but I have no idea what she said, though I'm sure it was not nice. Realizing tensions were pretty high and seeing Hector start to get riled up, I ushered everyone away and back toward the mall. Wayne yelled "Stay away from my carnival!!" as we walked away. Courtney said "We've got to do something! He's going to really hurt Hector!" "But how? The carnival is leaving in a couple of days." BulletHead said "I know where they're going next when they leave here. We'll think of something." Charlie added "That rear end in a top hat has no idea of the storm that is coming for him." Alcindor asked "Hurricane Charlie?" "Yes. Hurricane Charlie."
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Mar 24, 2021 21:10
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Are there links to your other stories? I genuinely enjoy your writing style.
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Mar 25, 2021 09:52
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Voted 5, waiting patiently for the next episode.
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Apr 6, 2021 02:36
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Can't believe I almost missed this.
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Apr 6, 2021 17:52
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Timby posted:Are there links to your other stories? I genuinely enjoy your writing style. Thanks! Here ya go- The time I thwarted a drug robbery: A night watchman's tale. The time I crippled a Scientologist stripper: A bouncer's tale. The time I was cursed by a witch and battled a monster: A bodyguard's tale. The Time I Spent Going From Town To Town Punching Nazis: A Roadie's Tale GEEKABALL posted:Voted 5, waiting patiently for the next episode. The 'rona kicked my rear end and then did a number on my wife so things have been nuts. I'm feeling much better now, so....
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Apr 6, 2021 20:48
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Chapter 9 She Had A Plan https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIey6yMw7-U Over the next couple of days the carnies packed up all of their equipment and moved on to the next town. I did get to see Hector one more time before they left, and he didn't look happy. The little pink bow that Charlie made for him was on the ground in his pen, so I grabbed it and put in my pocket. As I was leaving, a woman exited Big Wayne's trailer in a hurry. She looked upset and Big Wayne rushed out behind her, yelling. He spotted me and shouted something about not wanting to see me around when the carnival returned around Halloween. * * * * One day, after coming home from somewhere and before I went to work for the night, I found Charlie sitting on the floor surrounded by a bunch of random stuff. She had large industrial sized elastic bands, PVC pipe, burlap scraps, drills and screwdrivers, and assorted pieces of wood. Whatever she was up to, it looked like it was something elaborate. "Hey Charlie, whatcha making?" I asked. "Sshhh! I'm thinking!", she said. "Oooookay". This was another of those times that I knew to just let her do her thing without asking asking any questions. I heard someone knock on the door, and when I opened it I was greeted by D-Train. "Hey Sam! Charlie asked me to come over to help her with something." "Uh, sure. Come on in, I guess." D-Train immediately went over to Charlie and they started talking but not loud enough for me to hear. "So, you guys want my help with whatever you're doing, or...." I asked. Charlie quipped "No. We don't need you. I haven't gotten to your part yet". Well poo poo. I was getting shut out of whatever crazy hijinks my girlfriend and a 16 year old kid were up to. I didn't think they'd be brazen enough to build a prank for me right in front of me, but this was Charlie. A few minutes later, there was another knock at the door and this time it was the rest of the gang- Sean, Courtney, and Alcindor. I was being invaded. "Well, okay, bye. I'm heading to work", I said as I started to walk out of the door. None of them said anything in return; they were too busy talking to each other and pointing to something drawn on a piece of paper. Again, I announced that I was leaving. "See you later, Charlie. I'm heading out." "Uh sure. Love you. Bye!", she replied with a now skeedaddle, you! wave of her hand. I drove to work, trying to figure out what the hell they were up to. When I got to our office, I asked BulletHead if he had noticed the kids acting weird or suspicious lately. He said no and then asked why I was asking. I told him all of the kids were at my place with Charlie, clearly planning something wild. "Oh," he said. "I just assumed you knew." "Knew what? What the hell?" "You need to ask Charlie. My part in it all is small. Well, smaller." "Your part? Your part in what?" I asked. "I still have no idea. Charlie hasn't said a word." I was getting frustrated. I hated being the last guy in on anything. "I really don't know all the details. Like I said, ask Charlie." I pestered him for the rest of our shift but he wouldn't tell me anything. * * * * At home after work, I discovered that all of the stuff in the living room was gone, and there was no sign of what they were working on. That made me nervous because there was still a chance that some kind of crazy insane, heart-stopping, Sam-killing prank device was waiting for me somewhere. I cautiously made my way through the duplex, ready for something to pop out and scare me. I safely made it into the bedroom and Charlie was there, awake. She had a binder full of paper in her hands. "Hey babe," she said. "How was work?" "Okay. Nothing exciting happened. But BulletHead said something that I can't get out of my head. He said you have some kind of scheme that he's involved in. You haven't told me anything! What are you up to?" "Com'ere. Let me show you." Relieved that it apparently wasn't anything directed at me, I sat beside her on the bed and she began to tell me what she had in mind- rescuing Hector. "Rescue Hector?! I mean, yeah, sure... I like the big guy too, but... rescuing him? Don't you mean stealing him?" "Yes. I do mean that." She continued to describe her plans. I sat there with my mouth wide open as she showed me diagrams and pictures. If she, or rather we, could pull this off, it would be epic. When she finished, I was pretty much speechless. "Okay, so how- what do- where- wha- what about- I - WHAT?! Okay. Nevermind. Let's do it." She said there was one part of her plan that she was unsure about and asked if I had any ideas for who could help. "I know just the people," I said.
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Apr 6, 2021 20:49
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isaboo posted:The 'rona kicked my rear end and then did a number on my wife so things have been nuts. I'm feeling much better now, so....  Glad you're feeling better.
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Apr 6, 2021 21:00
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quote:"I know just the people," I said. Battlecat?!!?
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Apr 6, 2021 23:14
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Ventral EggSac posted:Battlecat?!!?
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Apr 7, 2021 01:57
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gently caress!! I need more!!
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Apr 7, 2021 02:11
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What a tease...
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Apr 7, 2021 02:28
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Chapter 10 On The Road To Find Out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocu7XObxRZ8 The summer was nearly over and the kids were about to go back to school. Charlie said they had done their part of her plan for the time being, but we'd need them later on. We had a few months to kill before the carnival came back to our town, so we had time to flesh out the rescue a bit more. We still needed to fill a few roles, too. Armed with a better idea of what was going to go down, I approached Brenda and Moopy. They had met Hector and adored him, but hadn't spent as much time around him as the rest of us had. Once I told them how Hector was being treated and how big of an rear end in a top hat Wayne was, they were on board. The plan was to take a road trip to where the carnival was operating, check on Hector's well-being, and do a little surveillance on Big Wayne's drug operation. The problem was that Big Wayne would definitely recognize me, and would likely recognize Charlie, so we needed someone unknown to him and the carnies. That was where Moopy and Brenda, along with BulletHead, would come in. One weekend Charlie and I made the two hour drive to visit the carnvial; Brenda, Moopy, and BulletHead followed us there. Brenda supplied burritos for everyone and Moopy provided drinks and snacks. Once there, Charlie and I stayed in our car while the other three wandered around among the rides and games. I had a pair of binoculars to keep tabs on them, and to get a view of Hector. The big donkey was kept in an even smaller pen than we had seen before, and on a smaller lead. He couldn't even turn around. Charlie was in tears and was more determined than ever to get him out of there. I saw BulletHead and the two ladies walk over to Hector. Training my binoculars on them, I could see that BulletHead was holding one of Brenda's vegetarian Brendaritos- it looked like he had taken only a couple of bites. They stood there at Hector's pen, petting and talking to him. He didn't seem to be very engaged with his visitors; he looked sad and lonely. He looked like he was interested in the burrito, though. CHOMP! Hector snatched the burrito out of BulletHead's hand and gulped it down. I had never known a donkey or horse to eat anything like that. I knew that meat can be very toxic to herbivores, but thankfully there was none in the burrito. About thirty seconds or so later, Hector released a giant torrent of poo poo. Laughing hysterically, I wondered if Brenda was offended that her food apparently didn't agree with Hector. I spotted Big Wayne leaving his trailer, leading two women away but he didn't see what was going on at the petting zoo. I kept watching them and saw a large, muscular man catch up to them. He carried a big backpack, and after a few minutes of standing around talking to Wayne, the two women took the backpack, got into a truck and drove away. A little while later Brenda and the others came to our car and asked us what we wanted them to do next. We all had a laugh about Hector immediately pooping after swallowing the burrito. Brenda said "Maybe I should change the name to Burro-rito!" "Find out who the big dude is." I said. "I haven't seen him before but he seems to be a part of Big Wayne's crew. Ask Hank the sword swallower about him." Charlie added, "Frank, can you get closer to Big Wayne's trailer and kinda scope it out for us?" "Will do", BulletHead replied. The three of them returned to the carnival. Brenda and Moopy caught sight of the big guy- it looked like he was working the Strongest Man In The World attraction. Hank's area was right next to it, so Brenda struck up a conversation with him. After a bit of small talk Hank revealed to them that Tony, or Big Toe as he was known, occasionally joined the team to work. When he wasn't impressing carnival goers with feats of strength, he was doing work for Big Wayne on the side. We all knew what that meant- that he was likely a loving rear end in a top hat doing bad things. Meanwhile, Frank made his way over to Wayne's trailer. Charlie and I were surprised to see BulletHead knock on the door. Big Wayne opened it and after a short discussion, he invited BulletHead inside. I suddenly realized that I hadn't seen Little Wayne anywhere. BulletHead was inside the trailer for at least thirty minutes, long enough for Moopy and Brenda to finish their part of the reconnaisance and return to me and Charlie. "I wonder what they're talking about", said Brenda. "He's been in there a long time." I said "If I know Frank, he's playing Wayne like a fiddle. I can't wait to hear what happened." The door opened and BulletHead stepped out, followed by Little Wayne. "Ah, so there's the little poo poo", I said. "I wondered where he was." I passed the binoculars to Charlie so she could watch. I could see her knuckles turn white when she spotted Big Wayne- her grip wanted to break the binoculars in half. Little Wayne and BulletHead shook hands and parted ways. Soon, Frank was back and he told us what he and The Waynes discussed. "So I knocked on the door and told Big Wayne that I was looking for a job, and asked if he needed any help around the carnival. He said yeah, that he in fact did need some help- just manual labor, but that if things went well I could do other things. I asked him what he meant and he said stuff like manning one of the attractions, rides, etcetera. He didn't mention anything shady but I wouldn't expect him to right away. While he was talking I glanced around the room looking for anything incriminating but I didn't want to act too suspicious. Then Little Wayne spoke up and said he recognized me as knowing 'that security guy from the mall, Sam.' That got Big Wayne's attention and he said something like 'That rear end in a top hat isn't out there in my carnival is he?' I said that no, you weren't, and that I didn't like you anyway. In fact, I made it sound like you're a giant rear end in a top hat to everyone." Laughing, I said "Gee, thanks a lot Frank." He continued- "We talked a little more about you- nothing good- then discussed my job a bit more. Little Wayne said something about having me help Big Toe, whoever that is." Moopy spoke up. "Big Toe! That's the Strongest Man in the World guy!" I told Frank about seeing Big Toe give two women a backpack, probably full of cash or drugs or both. BulletHead went on to tell us that Wayne offered him a job, basically the one that I had previously, and that he could start immediately or within a couple of days. Frank wouldn't have time to both work at the mall and the carnival, so we didn't really have the possibility of an inside man... yet. We didn't have much time left- maybe two hours or so before the carnival shut down for the night, and Brenda and Moopy had to head back home soon. Charlie and I had planned to stay overnight anyway, and Frank said he could either leave or stay. Charlie had an idea. "Brenda... how about you go let Hank the fire eater sword swallower guy know that Sam and I are here? We think he's sympathetic to our cause, but even if he isn't I don't think he'll tell Big Wayne anything. Just flirt with him a bit and mention you know Sam, and go from there." Brenda agreed and spent a few minutes talking to Hank before rushing back to us. "Hank is on way." A short time later Hank found us. At first he was worried that we were there for the drug business that we had hinted at before. We told him no, that we had other plans, and we could tell he was very much intrigued. Moopy asked him "What do you think of Hector?" "I love Hector! Everyone loves Hector. Well, everyone except The Waynes and Big Toe, but gently caress those guys. I wish Hector had a better life," he said. The five of us all turned and looked at each other, laughing. "What's so funny?" asked Hank. "Oh, honey. You'll see. Yeah. You'll do... you'll do just fine," said Charlie. We had found our inside man. isaboo fucked around with this message at 03:56 on Apr 7, 2021 |
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Apr 7, 2021 03:43
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Charlie's Eleven
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Apr 7, 2021 12:07
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I must know how the plan comes together.
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Apr 7, 2021 15:35
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Modulo16 posted:I must know how the plan comes together. Do you love it when a plan comes together? (I am also on tenterhooks).
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Apr 7, 2021 17:25
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mom and dad fight a lot posted:Charlie's Eleven
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Apr 7, 2021 17:50
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Modulo16 posted:I must know how the plan comes together.
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Apr 8, 2021 01:46
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Chapter 11 All Of My Friends Were There https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaR7FZSfcKw We shared some of the plan with Hank, who looked both impressed and a little bit afraid of what Charlie could come up with and he wasn't the only one. With Hank on board there were only a couple of holes to fill. I suggested we should meet in a couple of days for a big cookout at my family's farm and go over the remaining details. Everyone was there except for Hank who had to work at the carnival. His role was small so he didn't need to know much more than we had told him already. Nighttime rolled around and we were sitting around chatting when Charlie spotted a vehicle coming up the long driveway. "Who is that, Sam?" she asked. "Just some people that I used to hang around with. You've heard me talk about them." With a horse trailer towed behind it, the truck stopped and three men stepped out. "Saaaaammm! Where you at, Chief?" "T-Man! Over here, bud!" T-Man, Poodle, and Johnny Dangerous- my old Battlecat bandmates- had arrived. A huge smile appeared on Charlie's face. She had heard the stories but had never met the guys. "So y'all are the legendary Battlecat, eh?" she said to Poodle. "Well, I wouldn't call us legendary" T-man replied. "gently caress that! Hell yes we are! WE'RE BATTLECAT!" Johnny Dangerous exclaimed. Alcindor asked "What the hell is Battlecat?" Moopy, Brenda, Frank and the kids had no idea what was going on- they didn't know these people but were definitely intrigued so I told them a little of the Battlecat story. Their reaction was basically "What the gently caress, Sam?! You did that stuff?". I guess they thought I had always been a big dumb mall security guard. Later I properly introduced T-Man to Sean. The two of them would be working together on one aspect of The Plan- Sean was going to need to know how to drive a truck with a horse trailer attached. T-Man wouldn't let Danny drive his truck, so we hitched the trailer to mine. Over the days and weeks, Sean would come to the farm to practice. Pulling a trailer isn't that hard, but he was just 17 so we needed to make sure he could handle it. He wouldn't be towing it with our dear Hector aboard, though. That was too risky for everyone involved. Charlie and Courtney went over their parts while Alcindor and D-Train goofed off with Poodle and JD. We'd have plenty of time to get them up to speed so I wasn't worried. Besides, most plans fall apart immediately anyway, and with a crew like the one we had assembled, there was no telling how off the rails it might get. It wasn't my first go-round with the Battlecat guys so I knew what to expect, but I trusted them to do their best. Being on the road had taught JD and Poodle a lot. I was getting excited about the whole thing and Charlie was absolutely loving the fact that her plan seemed to be coming together. At the end of the night, the guys surprised me with something really cool. Poodle went to the truck and came back with an acoustic guitar, a plastic bucket, and a pair of drum sticks. T-Man took the bucket and sticks, and he and Poodle played an acoustic version of Harbinger of Death, our favorite Battlecat song. It was surprisingly good, but what was even better was the song that Poodle played after that. It was a nice, sweet, love song with a bit of a country twang to it. It seemed he had matured, if only with his songwriting and guitar playing. I'll never forget that moment. It was late so the kids had to get home and we all had to mull over everything we discussed. We all agreed to meet at the mall a week later to get a feel for the distances involved, our predicted timing of events, and other little things that needed to be tested on site. Charlie was on point with it. She was determined to make it work. After we had our trial run, the only thing left to do was wait for the carnival to return to the mall. It wouldn't be a long wait- it was the beginning of September, and our target date was one that would either make or break the whole thing- Halloween. isaboo fucked around with this message at 04:21 on Apr 8, 2021 |
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Apr 8, 2021 04:18
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Yessssss god I am so pumped
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Apr 8, 2021 14:53
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Ventral EggSac posted:Battlecat?!!? Fuckin' CALLED IT
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Apr 8, 2021 14:54
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Holy poo poo!Ventral EggSac posted:Yessssss god I am so pumped
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Apr 9, 2021 00:42
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isaboo posted:"gently caress that! Hell yes we are! WE'RE BATTLECAT!" Fuckin' A! isaboo posted:Besides, most plans fall apart immediately anyway, and with a crew like the one we had assembled, there was no telling how off the rails it might get. Fuckin' A!
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Apr 14, 2021 03:02
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Chapter 12 Squad Up https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imyW-gKy1QE The Sunday one week before Halloween, The Donkey Squad - the name we all agreed our team was to be called - met again at the mall after it closed to solidify the plan and make sure all of our devices and contraptions were ready. Hector's Heroes was a close second choice and we sometimes referred to ourselves as such. Charlie had our costumes complete and ready to go. We were a team of rescuers after all, and since the operation was going down on All Hallows' Eve we each needed to wear something appropriate for our roles. T-Man and D-Train would be the muscle, so Danny opted to be The Incredible Hulk. His costume was easy- a pair of ripped shorts, green body paint, and black hair dye. Sean was our driver, and he chose to dress as Richard Petty the NASCAR driver. Courtney, the agile high school track star and gymnast, would wear a Catwoman costume. And of course Alcindor was already a sneaky ninja, so that's the garb he chose to wear. The Battlecat guys were going to be milling about the carnival in regular clothes. Charlie had a ghillie suit prepared for herself- I finally realized what she had been doing with all the burlap scraps and sewing stuff months before. I wasn't going to wear a costume- I needed to make sure I was unencumbered as possible when everything went down. BulletHead didn't need a costume because his position was going to be distant from and elevated above the action. We did another test run with everyone in their respective positions. We had to assume that the carnival would generally be laid out in the same fashion as before. If the setting was much different, the plan would likely fail. BulletHead and Poodle were positioned on the roof at the corner closest to where we guessed Big Wayne's trailer would be. They had one walkie-talkie while Charlie had one at her spot, hidden from view from pretty much everything. Her ghillie suit blended well with the foliage that bordered the field, near the area that Hector's pen would be located. Charlie was the spotter for our rooftop artillery team, and would also be sniping as a distraction. Courtney, the fastest among us, practiced running the route she would be taking from the carnival to the mall and through its corridors. Sean drove our security golf cart to his assigned waypoints, and later practiced with my truck and the horse trailer a little more. Alcindor, T-Man, D-Train, and Johnny Dangerous couldn't really do much in the way of practicing without the carnival being there. Instead, they helped set up the rooftop artillery and traps in the mall corridors. Brenda and Moopy fed us as usual. They wouldn't be participating in the rescue itself, but both were expected to be there to witness it all. Hopefully the whole ridiculous but awesome plan would go off without a hitch. We could just roll up with the truck and trailer, bust Hector out of the pen and drive away with him, but Charlie wanted to make sure we planned for contingencies and she wanted to minimize any chance of a pursuit. She also wanted to make a show of force - without really hurting anyone - to let Big Wayne know he was out-classed and out-manned. * * * * Charlie and I stayed away from the carnival, only watching it from afar with binoculars while the kids and Battlecat did some up close recon. To our surprise, Big Wayne had a new and improved Gorilla Girl tent. Well, it was newer than the previous one but didn't look all that better from the outside. That presented a problem- the canopy was taller than the original and blocked part of the view from the mall's roof. Fortunately, it was still positioned next to Hank's sword swallowing / fire eating setup. I asked Brenda to talk to him once again. "Well, I told Hank about our dilemma," Brenda said. "He laughed when I told him the reason we were worried about the height of the tent, and asked if we were really going to do do what we planned. I said that The Donkey Squad was one hundred percent serious and would not be deterred." I asked her if Hank had any ideas and she said "He's got different swords for his show- some are real, and some are gimmicks. He offered us the use of one of the real ones... to, you know- chop chop!" I understood what she was getting at. I had often wondered if Hank swallowed real swords but upon hearing he used gimmicks, I realized that during his show he would cut through a melon with a real one to show it was sharp, then subtly switch to a fake one. Brenda continued with something we didn't expect. "He also said that Paco and Loni are sympathetic to our cause. They won't stand in our way." That made me wonder just how far word of our rescue plan had spread through the carnival. "I asked him that," Brenda continued. "He said only he, Paco, and Loni know. And they don't really know much at all." With that new knowledge everything was set as well as it could be. BulletHead and I made sure the other securtity guards would stay away from the roof area by telling them it was dangerous to go up there because of some damage. We also told them the corridors we would be using would be closed for a while and used as temporary storage areas. We didn't need them finding the traps we rigged. Hector looked especially lonesome and depressed. We sent the kids to check on him and while we knew he couldn't understand their words, we hoped he would sense good intentions. The Donkey Squad was assembled, the Donkey Squad was ready, and the Donkey Squad would not fail.  isaboo fucked around with this message at 05:21 on Apr 15, 2021 |
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Apr 15, 2021 01:34
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Apr 15, 2021 23:18
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Chapter 13 The Action Is Go https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YO62xu6HJDI Halloween arrived on a Sunday, and it was also the last day that the carnival would be in town. The Donkey Squad had lunch together for one last briefing from Charlie. We were all excited to get the operation underway and get Hector out of there. Hector's temporary home would be T-Man's family farm. We knew he might be anxious and upset after being moved to a new place, regardless of how much better it would be for him. After letting him chill out and roam around on the farm for a couple of weeks, we planned to move him to a farm owned by T-Man's friends in Tennessee. There, he would live with another donkey- a female named Polly. The mall normally closed at 6pm on Sundays, but on Halloween it remained open until 9pm as a safe place for trick or treating. Not all the stores participated, but there were enough that would stay open to attract a reasonable amount of costumed kids. The carnival would shut down at around the same time. The plan was for Charlie to take up her sniper position, armed with a BB/pellet rifle, at around 8pm. Being an avid hunter, she was fine with remaining quiet and still in one place for a long time. She would also be in communication with BulletHead, serving as his spotter. BulletHead would make his way to the mall roof and make sure our large slingshot and PVC pipe potato cannon were ready to go. I would join him for a while, and scope out the carnival with binoculars. We had already tested the artillery on the farm, and were confident the projectiles would reach their targets - Big Wayne's trailer and the zoo area. For slingshot ammo, the kids had filled about 50 balloons- half of them with permanent dye and the other half with a disgusting slurry of wet cat food and various liquid condiments. Alcindor had the most risky job among the kids. His mission was to disable the vehicles that could potentially pursue us- Big Wayne's truck, Big Toe's truck, and a couple of cars. Under the cover of dark and in his ninja suit, he would go to each and puncture the tires and block the tailpipes with rags. The trucks were close enough to Big Wayne's trailer to be the most high-risk targets. If anyone spotted him, Charlie would distract them with her BB rifle. Courtney's first task was to walk through the entire carnival and look for the two Waynes and Big Toe. If she found them, she would signal us to hold off on starting our attack and she'd then get Hank involved. Hank's role was to get the two Waynes and Big Toe into Big Wayne's trailer and keep them there as long as possible. Once they were all in the trailer, we'd start the assault. The artillery fire directed at the trailer was intended to keep them pinned inside. We didn't want to hurt anyone but if Big Wayne took a high speed potato to the head, so be it. After that, Courtney would run to the mall and make sure the escape route through the mall corridor was open and clear and that our traps inside were set. The kids designed all the traps. In fact, they weren't even a part of the plan until Courtney brought up the idea. We were originally just going to have someone make sure the corridor's entrance and exit doors were open so I could get through. Courtney suggested that she could slow down any pursuers with some obstacles. It was a good idea and gave the kids more things to do so we went with it. The first trap would be a bit tricky to pull off. Once Hector and I passed through the open door, Courtney and D-Train would stretch a giant piece of clear plastic shipping wrap across the entrance and anchor it with duct tape. It wouldn't hold up to anyone bursting through it, but the hope was that it would entangle them enough to slow them down. I asked why not just close the door and try to hold it closed from inside, to which Courtney replied "Where's the fun in that?". Fair enough, I thought. Next was a bag of marbles taped to the wall of the corridor just inside the entrance. If anyone was chasing I would grab it and toss the marbles behind me. Further down the hallway Courtney attached a bucket to the ceiling. In it was slop made from water and waste from Brenda's burrito joint. Dangling from the bucket was a short length of rope; pulling it as I rode by would dump the nastiness all over the floor and anyone behind me. Poodle was orginally assigned to accompany Courtney, but after we learned about the new Gorilla Girl tent we all decided he would be the one to solve that issue for us. Using one of Hank's real swords, Poodle would cut the ropes anchoring the side of the tent that blocked our view. We had no idea if it would actually work and if it didn't BulletHead would have to rely solely on Charlie's direction. Sean was going to stand by with our security golf cart, positioned on the north side of the mall out of sight from the carnival. Once the action got started, he was to pick up each of the other kids and drive to the opposite side of the mall to our rally point. He'd then back the trailer up to the corridor's emergency exit doors and wait for me to to arrive with Hector. My job was to get Hector from his pen, and ride him through the mall corridor to the waiting truck and trailer. It sounded simple but I knew it was the most difficult job of them all. I had no idea what kind of opposition I'd run into, and I also didn't know how Hector would react to having a big guy jump on his back. Another worry was if he'd even enter the corridor at all. I hoped that he was ready to get the hell out of there and wouldn't take much convincing. T-Man and Johnny Dangerous would keep any carnival goers out of the line of artillery fire, and also serve as my backup in case poo poo hit the fan. If things did go haywire, the kids were to get out as fast as possible, change into other clothes stashed near the mall, and deny everything. I was fully aware - and the kids were too - that at the very least we were contributing to the delinquency of minors and at the worst, child endangerment. But dammit, we had to get that sweet donkey out of there. By 8:45pm we were all ready and in position. The poo poo hit the fan shortly thereafter.
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Apr 22, 2021 00:15
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isaboo posted:
I'm assuming this is a simple statement of fact, and a literal fan and a quantity of literal poo poo are going to come into physical contact.
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Apr 22, 2021 01:28
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When I first heard the thread title, I thought "man that must've been a crazy weekend". I was not expecting a loving heist movie. VVV Edit: Hahahaha jesus christ, I haven't lived half as well as this man VVV mom and dad fight a lot fucked around with this message at 20:31 on Apr 22, 2021 |
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Apr 22, 2021 17:44
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I have a heist story that happened when I got mixed up with a crew of bounty hunters, but it is complicated and would take a long time to tell here. It would be a good one to try to write in 3rd person. I'd have to change a lot of details to avoid outing myself and others and even then I'm not sure that would work.
isaboo fucked around with this message at 01:39 on Mar 26, 2022 |
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Apr 22, 2021 19:18
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Paul Blart Mall Blarp
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Apr 22, 2021 19:27
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Chapter 14 Chaos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKo_iyilR4o Charlie radioed BulletHead. "I'm in position. No sign of Big Wayne, Little Wayne, or Big Toe... over" "Copy that", he replied. He used another walkie-talkie to make sure Sean was set and ready to go. "BulletHead to Richard Petty, are you in position, over?" "Richard Petty here. I'm ready, over." Charlie radioed again to tell us that Alcindor had successfully disabled the vehicles and was now in hiding somewhere. "Well, I guess this is it. I can't believe we're doing this, but here we are", I said. As I left the roof to head to the carnival, BulletHead gave me the thumbs up and said "I never would've thought I'd say these words, but go get that donkey." I waited on the perimeter of the carnival for a few minutes, not wanting to be spotted before everything started. When I was ready, I'd place both of my hands on my head to signal BulletHead to begin his artillery strike. He'd give me a few moments to open Hector's gate and get him moving before launching the first barrage of potatoes at the trailer. If anyone stepped outside he'd switch to the balloon launcher but hopefully the flying spuds would keep our adversaries inside. I walked past Hank and gave him the thumbs up- he pointed to one of his real swords and returned my salutation. I met up with T-Man, Poodle, JD, and Danny, and gave Poodle the go-ahead to cut the Gorilla Girl tent's rope. I whispered "This is it, guys. We're stealing a loving donkey!" Poodle yelled "BATTLECAAaaaaat!" as he ran off towards Hank to get the sword. "Poodle with a sword... maybe we didn't think this through enough", I said. T-Man laughed and agreed then went with the other two guys to the zoo area. Courtney found me and said she hadn't seen the Waynes anywhere so all I could assume was that they were in the trailer. I told her to head to the corridor and make sure the doors were open and the path was clear. In the distance I heard "Hey! Put that back!" and I recognized the voice as Little Wayne's. Following the sound I saw him chasing after Poodle, who was running and yelling something while holding the sword over his head. Oh for gently caress sake, I thought. It's already not going as planned. Once again I heard the cry of "BATTLECAT!" and saw the corner of the Gorilla Girl tent collapse a few feet, hopefully enough for BulletHead to see his target. gently caress YES! He did it! Then Poodle did something unexpected- he started running toward me, with Little Wayne behind him. No. No no no no NO! I yelled "Goddammit Poodle, don't bring him to me!" but it was too late- Little Wayne spotted me and yelled "You're banned from here! Get the gently caress out!" gently caress. I had to get to Hector right away or we'd miss our chance. Running as fast I could, I made it to the zoo area and got as close to the trailer as possible to listen for anyone inside. I didn't hear anything, but I decided to give BulletHead the signal to commence firing. Something hit me in the back. Whatever it was, it had a little sting to it. When I felt it again, I realized it was Charlie shooting me with BBs to get my attention. As I turned to check her position, I was greeted by Big Wayne. "I thought I told you to stay the gently caress away from my carnival, rear end in a top hat." I heard a whistling sound over my head then a loud thud as a potato hit the ground. "What the...." said Big Wayne as another one hit. "Who's throwing poo poo at..." Another spud passed overhead and hit the door of the trailer. Goddamn, that's some good aimin', Frank. Big Wayne yelled "Ow! What the gently caress!" as he started jumping around. My girl Charlie was shooting him with pellets. SPLAT! A balloon full of disgusting liquid landed a few feet from Big Wayne. The next one landed closer. "I told you to get the gently caress out of here WHAT IS GOING ON!" he said as he ran into the trailer. Heh, that's just where we want you. A couple more potatoes hit the trailer as I opened the gate and started to untie Hector's lead, then the barrage stopped. I didn't know it at the time, but the potato launcher had broken and was of no further use. Little Wayne appeared and when he spotted me trying to get Hector free he yelled "He's taking the donkey!! He's trying to get the donkey!". He charged me and pushed me into the gate. I punched him in his gut, sending him to the ground. The door to the trailer opened and both Big Wayne and Big Toe stepped out. Big Toe said "How would you like it if I punched you that hard?" I replied with a snarky "I don't think you can." Waving a handgun in the air, Wayne said "So you want my donkey, huh? How about I just shoot you? Or better yet- how about I shoot the loving donkey?" Looking around I saw that T-Man, JD, and Danny were closing in. I yelled to Danny "Get the other kids and get out of here. Now. NOW!" D-train could tell I was serious, and seeing the gun that Big Wayne had in his hand, knew it was no place for him to be. Hell, I didn't want to be there either at that point but the can of worms had been opened. Now it was time to open a can of whoop-rear end, Battle Cat style. * * * * I backed off from Hector's pen as Big Wayne moved toward me. He walked over to Hector and put the gun to the donkey's head. Hector started shrieking, knowing that something bad was going on. Wayne held the gun there and said to me "I'll splatter this dumb animal's brains all over you if you don't get the gently caress out of here right now." An instant later, something did splatter all over me, but it was a balloon full of vile liquid- I had been hit by friendly fire. It surprised me but didn't really faze me- after all, I was Charlie's boyfriend and was used to being surprised by all sorts of wild things. Big Toe had a shocked look on his face, wondering what the hell had hit me, but then found out what it was himself as a balloon hit him square in his chest. Big Wayne took a little collateral damage, only it was permanent dye and not wet cat food. Surprised, he lowered his gun from Hector's head. T-Man saw an opportunity and charged Big Wayne, knocking aside Little Wayne who was still trying to catch his breath. With T-Man on top of Big Wayne on the ground, Johnny Dangerous grabbed the gun from him. Big Toe wasted no time and punched me right in my head. My previous statement to him was wrong; he did hit me hard - hard enough to see stars and wobble me a bit - but not hard enough to put me down. I spit out some blood, smiled, and said something like "I'm awake now. Let's dance, motherfucker." Little Wayne tried to get into the fray but JD kicked him directly in his nuts, sending him to the ground once again. JD said "Bitch, we hunt Nazis for fun. You ain't poo poo. Stay down." Little Wayne did as he was told. A balloon exploded on the ground near his feet. I threw a couple of punches at Big Toe but he dodged them well and returned a flurry of punches, cracking me in the head again. It wasn't the hardest I've been hit, but I have to admit it did hurt. The door to the trailer opened and someone else stepped out- one of the women I had seen before - and she had the big backpack that we thought was full of drugs. When she saw what was going on, she yelled "KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" I assumed she was talking about me, but in fact she was yelling at T-Man who was on top of Big Wayne, pummelling him. She ran over to Big Wayne and started hitting him with the backpack as T-Man sat on his chest and pinned Wayne's arm to the ground. At this point Charlie joined up with us and we had also attracted a few spectators, including Hank. Hank was clearly enjoying the action because he lit up his fire sticks and started twirling them around as he danced and yelled and laughed. More balloons were being launched at us, and I already had quite a bit of dye and cat food on me. It was the quite the scene- a multi-person fight, a shrieking donkey, a crazy woman in a ghillie suit running around, and a man tattooed from head to toe dancing with fire sticks- all against the neon lit backdrop of a run down carnival. Charlie - still in her ghillie suit minus the headpiece - ran up behind Big Toe and started hitting him in his back with the butt of her BB rifle. He turned and punched her, knocking her down. Everyone stopped and went silent for a moment as they all looked at me to see my reaction. I heard "Oh gently caress. Sam gonna kill him for sure" from JD. Big Toe had a glimmer of fear in his eyes for the first time, and it was appropriate. Poodle came running through the area and tossed me the sword- I let it hit the ground. JD tried to hand me the gun but I shook my head no. I didn't need or want a weapon. Seeing Charlie pick herself up from the ground, her lip bloody, was all the motivation I needed to unleash hell. To JD and Poodle I said "Get her out of here. Find the kids and get to my truck." As they pulled her away from the action, Charlie was kicking and screaming and yelled "Hector! We need to get Hector!" Hector looked like he was ready to get the hell out of there. He bolted out of his pen and ran into T-Man who was still holding Big Wayne down. T-Man and Big Wayne got up, and when Wayne turned to see what was going on, Hector stopped, shrieked, and looked Wayne right in his eyes. It was not a friendly look. Hector's time for revenge had come.
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May 2, 2021 23:35
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May 3, 2021 00:41
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I laughed, I cheered, and then I got scared.
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May 3, 2021 01:12
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Holy poo poo, I hope to one day look back at my life and find it at least half as interesting as yours.
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May 3, 2021 02:14
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Chapter 15 Donkey https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsyIcJIy-yM Snorting and screaming, Hector stood in front of Big Wayne. Wayne acted like he had a gun pointed at him- he held his hands up and said "Whoa there... easy.... don't do anything stupid" as he backed away. He tried to slowly step aside to get around the giant donkey, but Hector wasn't having it- he mirrored Wayne's movement and stayed in front of him, blocking any escape path. Big Toe tried to scramble away from me, and ran directly into T-Man. T-Man shoved him back toward me, knowing I wasn't finished with the rear end in a top hat just yet. "Do yo thang Chief", he said. Big Toe put his hands up and said "Hey man, I didn't know it was a girl I hit, I'm sor-" Before he could finish his sentence I punched him in his mouth and it rocked him backward a couple of feet. He spit out some blood along with a tooth. His eyes widened and he once again tried to move away from me, but I caught him with another hard punch and a kick to his inner thigh. As he tried regain his footing I tackled him, rolled over onto my back, and choked him unconscious. I pushed him off of me, got up and headed toward Big Wayne. T-Man grabbed my shirt to stop me and said "Hold up Chief. Let the donkey have his day." Hector was still staring at Wayne, who I guess thought it would be a good idea to try to intimidate Hector into letting him pass. It was, in fact, a very bad idea. Wayne screamed and waved his arms wildly. "You loving useless piece of poo poo! Move! YAHHHH! MOVE!" Hector moved, alright- he turned around and kicked Big Wayne, launching him into the door of his trailer. Thankfully it was a glancing blow with only one leg, otherwise I think it might have killed Wayne. Wayne stumbled forward and collapsed, landing next to Big Toe. Hector looked at me, snorted, let loose with a stream of hot donkey piss all over Wayne and Big Toe, then nuzzled my chin with his forehead. I took that as a sign to get going, so I jumped on his back. Looking around I saw the woman with the backpack dump its contents onto the ground, then set it all on fire with one of Hank's fire sticks. I learned later that the bag was full of cash and drugs. Some of the drugs were legal but were stolen, like some ill-gotten insulin. The rest was cocaine and various pills. The woman laughed hysterically as Wayne laid there, covered in piss, watching his world burn. I heard tires screeching as BulletHead pulled up in our security golf cart. He said that Charlie and the kids were safe, except for Alcindor; no one knew where he was. I told T-Man to go with BulletHead, find Alcindor, and make sure the kids were ready to go. BulletHead said that the route was clear and the trailer was backed up close to the exit door. All I had to do was get Hector through the dark corridor. * * * * As I mentioned, I had never been on a giant donkey before and I don't think Hector had anyone on his back before- at least no one as big as I was. He hesitated for a while, not sure what to do. I stroked his neck and whispered to him that it would be ok, that he was going to be with people that cared for him. He tossed his head around and snorted and moved a little, then stopped. Hank came up behind us and said "Let me light a fire under this rear end" and waved his fire stick at Hector. That got us moving- so quickly I almost fell off. We were on way! As he coughed up blood, Wayne yelled "Bring back my donkey, jackass!" Riding out of the carnival, I passed Paco who handed me the headpiece to the gorilla costume. I put it on and roared like a good gorilla riding a donkey would do. I tried to steer Hector by tugging on his ears and mane and working him with my legs as best as I could. He seemed to know what I wanted and trotted along toward the open door of the corridor. Peering behind us, I could see Big Wayne and Little Wayne and another carny getting into one of the vehicles Alcindor had sabotaged. They wouldn't get far, but they might be able to close some distance on us since Hector wasn't that fast. We got to the open door and Hector immediately stoppped. gently caress. I was afraid of this. He did not want to go into that dark place, and I couldn't blame him. I had always assumed that we would get stuck in the hallway- either because we were too loving big to fit through some areas, or he'd just decide he wouldn't go further. Going around the mall the other way would take far too long, and the near side was blocked by a fence. I had no choice but to go through the mall. I managed to get Hector moving toward the main entrance. We rode by a father and his two young trick-or-treaters leaving the mall- the dad said "I don't know what the hell that costume is supposed to be, but it's badass!" I heard the Waynes yelling at us as we passed through the automatic doors. Their vehicle stopped about 50 yards from us, and they were now chasing us on foot. Big Wayne had to be helped along by the other two men- the donkey kick had clearly hosed him up. I imagine he at least had some fractured ribs. Once inside, Hector slowed down and stopped. It was obviously a strange, new environment for him and he wasn't sure about any of it. I looked back and saw our pursuers getting closer. The mall was dark- the lights had been turned down to make it spooky for the kids. That was an advantage for us; I knew the layout of the mall and could navigate it in my sleep. I steered Hector to the side of the big water fountain opposite the entrance. There were fake trees lining part of the water feature, and were big enough to hide us for a few moments if we remained still. Hector took a big gulp of water- I hoped he was refilling to piss on Wayne again. When they got inside, Big Wayne and the others quickly determined that the only way for us to go was to the left; the escalators were to the right and they knew Hector wouldn't be able to go upstairs. In my head I called upon my Comanche ancestors to help me guide Hector to safety and slapped his rump to get him going. When we got to the stage, he jumped onto it. It had to have been an amazing sight- in the dark was a giant donkey, with a half man half gorilla on his back, rearing up and screaming. There was no hiding now; Hector revealed where we were and The Waynes started coming after us. The closest escape route for us, that would take us to the waiting trailer and The Donkey Squad, was straight through the food court. There were only a few non-mall employees left, and they would certainly get out of the way once they saw us coming. We trotted along, Hector snorting and shrieking the whole way. It felt like he was growing comfortable with having me on his back and it was getting easier to steer him. He stopped when we got to Brenda's burrito restaurant. She was standing there, holding one of her Brendaritos. Seeing that Hector was reluctant to get going again, she tempted him with the snack that he had so readily gobbled down before. With our enemies closing in, Hector finally snatched the burrito from Brenda and started moving, though not quickly enough. As he passed by, Brenda grabbed his tail. Her costume was that of a 1970's roller derby girl- and she was wearing high-peformance, custom made roller skates. Using the giant donkey's momentum, she swung around and quickly skated toward The Waynes. She raised her elbows and was going to smash into them, but they got around her. With them maybe ten feet behind us, Hector decided to give them something else to deal with. I guess the combination of the burrito and the tugging of his tail was too much, because Hector released a torrent of poo poo as we headed for the exit. Big Wayne, Little Wayne, and the other carny ran directly through it only to slip and fall. It was a vile mess, and they had trouble getting up. In fact, Big Wayne was so busted up from the donkey kick and now falling on his rear end that he just sat there, sobbing. Moopy, dressed as Cookie Monster and watching the action, walked over to Wayne and sarcastically said "Awww honey, you look like crap. Here, have a cookie." Wayne angrily grabbed it and tossed it aside. We were almost free. The exit was close, and I could see T-Man and Charlie outside the door waving and cheering. The other two security guards were standing there in the food court, mouths agape at what was happening. BulletHead approached them and said "You didn't see anything. Got it?" Sensing his freedom, Hector started running faster and we were soon outside. As I rode past T-Man I asked if he had found Alcindor. He hadn't. gently caress. "Well, we've got to get out of here. I hope he's somewhere safe", I said. T-Man, Poodle, and JD went into the mall to head off anyone that might still be chasing us. T-Man said "We've got this. Get out of here, we'll catch up to you at the farm." After some encouragment, Hector got into the trailer. Everyone was accounted for, except for our little ninja Alcindor. I got into the truck- Charlie was in the passenger seat while Danny was in the back. Sean and Courtney were in his car and were already driving away. As I started to pull away Alcindor popped up from behind my driver's seat, holding that drat two-faced rabbit and scaring Charlie and I half to death. "I fell asleep in here with the rabbit a while ago. What'd I miss?" And that's the story of The Time I Rode A Donkey Named Hector through a mall. isaboo fucked around with this message at 22:32 on May 3, 2021 |
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May 3, 2021 21:33
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Epilogue We all safely made it to T-Man's farm and celebrated a successful, albeit chaotic, operation. The police showed up at the mall shortly after we left and asked a bunch of questions. Brenda and Moopy played dumb, saying they had no idea about anything that happened. The woman that worked for Big Wayne spilled her guts, telling them all about the prostitution and drug dealing. After some investigation and searching, he was arrested. I'm not sure what ultimately happened to him, Little Wayne, or Big Toe but neither they nor the carnival ever came to our area again. BulletHead erased any security tapes that might incriminate us. They were useless anyway, since the mall was so dark at the time and I was wearing a gorilla mask. He also revealed that he had been having an affair with the mall manager for years, and she wasn't going to implicate any of us in anything that happened on mall property. Frank worked there for several more years, then retired. I lost track of what eventually happened to the kids, except for Alcindor. He was so fascinated by that two-faced rabbit's mutation, he became a prominent geneticist of some kind. Hank quit the carnival that night and asked if he could work at the mall. BulletHead arranged for him to take my job, which I quit that night also. The mallrats loved Hank- his tattoos and stories of his carny life provided them with lots of entertainment. Charlie and I continued to date for a while, then grew apart. She finished school, then moved to New York and worked as a costume and production designer on and off-Broadway. Hector lived on T-Man's farm for a couple of months before we moved him to Tennessee, where he lived a long and happy life with a female donkey named Polly. I visited him a few times over the years and every time I'd see him, he would nuzzle me until I'd get on his back and ride him for a while. He was a truly special and sweet creature; I'll never forget him. The Battle Cat guys went back to doing whatever they were involved with at the time, but Hector's rescue would not be the last time we'd do something crazy together. Battle Cat is forever. As for me, I began bouncing in strip clubs and bars, while getting my professional fighting career underway. Those days in the late 90s were nutty and full of all sorts of craziness. The real fun started in early 2000, but that's a different story. isaboo fucked around with this message at 21:57 on May 3, 2021 |
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May 3, 2021 21:35
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 20:57 |
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quote:Hank was clearly enjoying the action because he lit up his fire sticks and started twirling them around as he danced and yelled and laughed. it's me, the guy who knows when it's time to party
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May 3, 2021 21:56
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