|
On January 25th, 1975, journalist George Hoffenstorf had stumbled upon a disturbing cache of weapons in a mostly-buried bunker out in the rural fields of Perduha-Pizduha, where one of the great Oompa Loompa conflicts occurred. Digging deeper, he discovered at least twelve Gacksplat 10.8MM Specials, extensively used by the Huyuha guerillas against the Fintuha Legion and Molyuha Gendarmerie, reviled for their extreme accuracy and precision over the standard issue Candygunk 7.55MM carbines using chocolate ammunition. These guns are apparently made of licorice and all have crude Wonka-Regime style proofmarks hastily ground off as not to be traced from the exact chocolate factory assembly line, yet their origins are easily traced with recent historical documentation coming into the light. They have a six-gumball capacity and could blow an Ooompa Loompa's head as clean off as a microwaved Peep up to 300 meters. Historians and archeologists strongly suspect more weapons have yet to be recovered from the lost Willy Wonka Wars. |
#
?
Mar 13, 2021 05:07
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 24, 2024 08:29 |
|
|
Call of Wonka: Willy Warfare 2
|
|
#
?
Mar 13, 2021 05:52
|
|
|
|
Nearly as frightening were Wonka's propaganda videos. Observe 1948's "Another Puzzle," in which Wonka's 'Oompa Loompas' invite American citizens to consider what they may get if they "don't sign the treaty," and goes on to reveal that they will "get such a beating." Another broadcast, titled "The Danger Must Be Growing," was intercepted by British intelligence. It has never been released to the public, and many speculate in regards to its contents. |
|
#
?
Mar 13, 2021 07:49
|
|
|
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 17:07
|
|
|
|
son, do i have to tell you what you can do with a nerd rope
|
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 17:12
|
|
|
|
sugar is a drug, willy wanker is a drug dealer |
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 17:24
|
|
|
What the gently caress did you just loving say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Wonka Academy, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on the Slugworth cartel, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top caramel producer in the entire military-confectionary complex. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the gently caress out with candy bullets, made with culinary precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my loving words. You think you can get away with saying that poo poo to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Oompa Loompas across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the flood, maggot. The molasses flood that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're loving dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can candy-coat you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in candy-based combat, but I have access to the entire cookbook of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable rear end off the face of the continent, you little poo poo. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your loving tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will poo poo fudge all over you and you will drown in it. You're loving dead, kiddo.
|
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 18:39
|
|
|
|
sk posted:What the gently caress did you just loving say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Wonka Academy, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on the Slugworth cartel, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top caramel producer in the entire military-confectionary complex. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the gently caress out with candy bullets, made with culinary precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my loving words. You think you can get away with saying that poo poo to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Oompa Loompas across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the flood, maggot. The molasses flood that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're loving dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can candy-coat you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in candy-based combat, but I have access to the entire cookbook of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable rear end off the face of the continent, you little poo poo. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your loving tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will poo poo fudge all over you and you will drown in it. You're loving dead, kiddo. |
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 19:12
|
|
|
|
Colonel: Your mission is to proceed up the Chocolate River in the SS Wonkatania. Pick up Willy Wonka's path at Blu Emin Em, follow it and learn what you can along the way. When you find the Wonka, infiltrate his factory by whatever means available and flavorblast the Wonka's command. Capt. Charlie Bucket: Flavorblast the Wonka? General: He's out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. And he is still in the field commanding Loompas. Photo Journalist: The lemonheads. You're looking at the lemonheads. Sometimes he goes too far. He's the first one to admit it. Lt. Col. Sweettooth: I love the taste of snozzberries in the morning. Tastes like...snozz. Willy Wonka: This is the end. I said good day! Willy Wonka: The suspense... The suspense... |
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 19:46
|
|
|
|
sk posted:What the gently caress did you just loving say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Wonka Academy, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on the Slugworth cartel, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top caramel producer in the entire military-confectionary complex. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the gently caress out with candy bullets, made with culinary precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my loving words. You think you can get away with saying that poo poo to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Oompa Loompas across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the flood, maggot. The molasses flood that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're loving dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can candy-coat you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in candy-based combat, but I have access to the entire cookbook of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable rear end off the face of the continent, you little poo poo. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your loving tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will poo poo fudge all over you and you will drown in it. You're loving dead, kiddo. 
|
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 20:08
|
|
|
|
Thothanon posted:Lt. Col. Sweettooth: I love the taste of snozzberries in the morning. Tastes like...snozz. |
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 20:10
|
|
|
Every moment I stay here I grow weaker, every minute the Oompa Loompa squats in the jungle he grows stronger. Wonka developed a military ration that's a whole three course meal and desert all in one, perfect for maintaining stamina under extreme survival conditions and the whole thing's no bigger than a plain ol' stick of gum. |
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 20:21
|
|
|
“History is much like an endless waltz. The three beats of war, peace, and revolution continue on forever…” - Grandpa Joe 
|
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 20:32
|
|
|
|
Mark VII Chocolate █████: Lt. ███████ recovered the Mark VII Chocolate █████ from a refrigerated section of sub-basement level ██ of the Wonka facility. It remains inert until heated to ███ degrees C, at which point it begins emitting low level ████. Test subjects placed in the room with the activated █████ at distances of ██, ██, and ██ meters were found to have extensive █████, and only subject ██ avoided ██████ chocolatey goodness. ██████ (aka "fizzbuster"): Appears to be standard issue for █████ █████ grenadiers. Captured █████ █████ were found to all have █ of the items in their possession upon capture. There is no battlefield record of ██████ being deployed against our forces, leading us to believe they are possibly too ████ or too tasty for anti-personnel purposes. |
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 21:02
|
|
|
The warlord leader of chocko haram; "Wonka"-is believed to have kidnapped the children by use of euphoria enducing, ediblebars of an unknown composition. |
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 21:10
|
|
|
George: There's no way it's everlasting. Kramer: No, it says it right there on the label- "everlasting" Elaine: How do they know? Kramer: What do ya mean? Elaine: If it's everlasting, someone's still, you know- gobstopping one of them somewhere! Jerry: What IS a gobstopper? Kramer: Well, your mouth is a gob, and if you put a piece of candy in it, you shut yer gob; right? Elaine: Why don't they just call them "shut the hell ups" then? Jerry: Kids would never go for that. Kramer: They eat Tide Pods for crying out loud! https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 21:16
|
|
|
|
Thothanon posted:Colonel: Your mission is to proceed up the Chocolate River in the SS Wonkatania. Pick up Willy Wonka's path at Blu Emin Em, follow it and learn what you can along the way. When you find the Wonka, infiltrate his factory by whatever means available and flavorblast the Wonka's command.
|
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 22:13
|
|
|
VHS tape inserts into player. Grainy footage of ex captive undergoing debriefing. "Were you mistreated by your captors?" "I think I was tied up, I had a blindfold over my eyes and they stuck, I think it was a chocolate gun in my mouth" "What sort of questions did they ask" "He told me 'count to three, make a wish'" "Was that all?" "He told me to 'imagine paradise', I'm sorry this too distressing... I..." [fingers to cut the recording] Recording ends. |
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2021 22:37
|
|
|
|
I am become jawbreaker, destroyer of teeth
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 02:52
|
|
|
Wonka: I'd like to introduce you to the GundamBar Gundam Mike: What's a GundamBar! Wonka: Well, ironically named child; a GundamBar is a wonderous new development by the Oompa Loompas that turns you into a Gundam! Gundam Mike (reaching for one): Neat, gimmee one! Wonka: Before you tear into that and eat it, there may be risks! Gundam Mike (tearing into it and eating all of it): Wow, I feel weird! Wonka: Uh oh, it's working... *takes pics with his Wonka Camera* Gundam Mike *already mostly a chocolate Gundam*: Help! Help! I'm made out of chocolate! **Bright lights turn on. Bright, HOT lights.** Oompa Loompas march out in formation Oompa loompa doompety doo I've got a perfect puzzle for you Oompa loompa doompety dee If you are wise you'll listen to me Gundam Mike visibly and rapidly melts while vocally protesting loudly What do you get when a robotic suit Happens to be made out of chocolate, too Suddenly the lights all come on Hotter than the loving sun (Look at how you melt and run...) Oompa loompa doompety dumb You're just a puddle of chocolate, son It's the stupidest thing we've ever saw It's a good thing we all brought a straw Oompa Loompas all produce long metal straws So we can just slurp up you https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 03:48
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 04:28
|
|
| I was not surprised at all to find out that after the truth and reconciliation committees that Augustus Gloop was a legitimate war criminal. | |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 06:09
|
|
|
Derpies posted:I was not surprised at all to find out that after the truth and reconciliation committees that Augustus Gloop was a legitimate war criminal. His last, haunting words from the gallows: "Ich bin hungrig" |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 06:48
|
|
|
The Butcher of Dusselheim |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 09:56
|
|
|
|
Some folks are born made to wave the flag Ooh they're purple and white And when the band plays "Hail to the Chef" They point the cannon at you, Lord It ain't me, it ain't me I ain't no candy maker's son, son It ain't me, it ain't me I ain't no loompah one |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 13:30
|
|
|
|
Finger Prince posted:Mark VII Chocolate █████: |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 13:41
|
|
|
|
You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has candy, and that candy has to be created by little orange men. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Bucket? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Gloop, and you curse the Oompa Loompas. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know -- that Gloop's death, while tragic, probably saved the factory; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, is also delicious. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want that chocolate -- you need that chocolate. We use words like "Oompa," "Loompa," "Doompety doo." We use these words as the backbone of a life spent cooking something. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps mouth ringed with the very confections that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather that you just said "thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a spoon and stand the post. Either way, I don't give a drat what you think you're entitled to! |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 14:39
|
|
|
google THIS posted:You can't handle the truth! |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 15:01
|
|
|
|
At various times, in various situations, they carried M&M-14s and CHARM-15s and Swedish Fishes and greasy gum and captured AZ(Abba-Zabba)-47s and Chi-Clets and RPs (Reese's Pieces) and Skittleov carbines and black market Zotz and .38-cacaoliber Spree & Whoppers (S&W) handguns and 66 mm LAFFYs and Sixlets and Slo Pokes and Bubble Tape and Bottlecaps and C-2 (Charleston Chew) plastic explosives. Lee Strunk carried a sweetshot; a weapon of last resort, he called it. Mitchell Sanders carried wax knuckles. Kiowa carried his grandfather’s feathered jawbreaker. Every third or fourth man carried a Starburst antipersonnel mine — 3.5 pounds with its firing device. They all carried fragmentation grenerds — 14 ounces each. They all carried at least one M-18 sour grenade — 24 ounces. Some carried CS (Caramel Square) or Tic-Tac grenades. Some carried white chocolate grenades. They carried all they could bear, and then some, including a silent awe for the terrible power of the things they carried. |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 16:24
|
|
|
|
sk posted:What the gently caress did you just loving say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Wonka Academy, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on the Slugworth cartel, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top caramel producer in the entire military-confectionary complex. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the gently caress out with candy bullets, made with culinary precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my loving words. You think you can get away with saying that poo poo to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Oompa Loompas across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the flood, maggot. The molasses flood that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're loving dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can candy-coat you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in candy-based combat, but I have access to the entire cookbook of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable rear end off the face of the continent, you little poo poo. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your loving tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will poo poo fudge all over you and you will drown in it. You're loving dead, kiddo. |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 16:49
|
|
|
looooool
---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 16:56
|
|
|
alright soldier, its time for you to assassinate general beauregarde. make the most of your infiltration training cool what weapon do i get heres a stick of bubblegum kid, make the bastard suffer take the moon fucked around with this message at 17:13 on Mar 15, 2021 ---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 17:01
|
|
|
|
Lost my leg in the war. They fed me nothing but sugar until I contracted diabetes and had to have it cut off.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 17:02
|
|
|
getting amedal of valour in the willy wonka hyper war of 30xx but traumatized for life by the sight of a construct of chocolate and skin and chrome killing their friends all the while begging for its pain to end
---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 17:08
|
|
|
v beauraugarde action hero: im here to kick rear end and chew bubblegum, and i'm all out of, all out of, oh god
---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 17:16
|
|
| While I can't support Augustus Gloops genocide of the Oompa Loompas working the chocolate river, he was very clear leaving the factory he would be back fatter, angrier, and seeking Chokolatsraum. I don't know what they expected and why Charlie "Chamberlain" even bothered appeasing him. | |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 17:32
|
|
|
Augustus Gloop is still at LARGE "Don't worry, he can't eat them all" - Grandpa Joe, tempting fate |
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 17:49
|
|
|
|
Pot Smoke Phoenix posted:George: There's no way it's everlasting.
|
|
#
?
Mar 15, 2021 18:06
|
|
|
|
Pot Smoke Phoenix posted:George: There's no way it's everlasting. lmfbo
|
|
#
?
Mar 16, 2021 13:23
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 24, 2024 08:29 |
|
|
Loompa Leader: "Do you have any last words?" Resistance Member: "You judgemental little orange bastards. It's the addictive candy products that your factory produces that are the CAUSE of childhood obesity, why don't you make a song about that?" Loompa Leader: "I've had enough of your lies!!! Activate the Taffy pulling machine" |
|
#
?
Mar 17, 2021 11:45
|
|