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DarkSoulsTantrum
Apr 6, 2011

this kills the crab

Sure, they're visually impressive, but a lot of posters find large avatars physically uncomfortable. Furthermore, the owners of large avatars often rely on their size alone and don't bother to develop more refined posting techniques.





Derpies posted:

is this before or after your electric smoker app beeps for attention

If the electric smoker stimulated my prostate when my ribs were done Iíd probably get one

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Canuckistan
Jan 14, 2004

I'm the greatest thing since World War III.







Soiled Meat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyuv3WXPQsM

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

STABASS posted:

I don't want to hijack this thread, but do any of you guys have experience with prostate massagers? I've tried manual prostate stimulation and didn't find it particularly pleasurable; just want to see if anyone found something like an Aneros to be a game-changer.

Not really a gamechanger but it's worth a shot dude

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015



DarkSoulsTantrum posted:

I went all Tim the Tugman Taylor on mine and now that babyís got a Briggs & Stratton and you gotta run it outside

*ARRUGH*

Gotta start it with a pullcord now huh?

Fartington Butts
Jan 21, 2007



Nooner
Mar 26, 2007

I am Nooner



i herd chikcs like to shove thes e things uip their poosays!!!!!!

DarkSoulsTantrum
Apr 6, 2011

this kills the crab

Sure, they're visually impressive, but a lot of posters find large avatars physically uncomfortable. Furthermore, the owners of large avatars often rely on their size alone and don't bother to develop more refined posting techniques.





ClamdestineBoyster posted:

Gotta start it with a pullcord now huh?

Properly primed, it usually gets going by the third or fourth tug

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015



DarkSoulsTantrum posted:

Properly primed, it usually gets going by the third or fourth tug

Nice.

majestic12
Sep 2, 2003

Pete likes coffee

STABASS posted:

I don't want to hijack this thread, but do any of you guys have experience with prostate massagers? I've tried manual prostate stimulation and didn't find it particularly pleasurable; just want to see if anyone found something like an Aneros to be a game-changer.

nice try, STABASS

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004


here he comes
and he's gone again


Nap Ghost

Nooner posted:

i herd chikcs like to shove thes e things uip their poosays!!!!!!

that's why they're so big, so you can get the entire thing in there to reach the womb (the most pleasurable spot for a woman)

Derpies
Mar 10, 2014
Probation
Can't post for 12 hours!


Mozi posted:

that's why they're so big, so you can get the entire thing in there to reach the womb (the most pleasurable spot for a woman)

I am learning so much in this thread

Waterbed Wendy
Jan 29, 2009


gonna ride the pelvic waters but first i must awaken this on-board motor apblpblbplbplb aplblbplb apblblbplbb abplbpblblpblbpblbpbpbpblbplblbblbpblbpbbplbpbblblpbblbpbpbp etc

I. M. Gei
Jun 26, 2005

I fear the man who has hit one dinger ten thousand times.




R.L. Stine posted:

The Hitachi Magic Wand is pretty cool, yeah, but the Elder Wand is one of three objects that make up the fabled Deathly Hallows along with the Resurrection Stone and the Cloak of Invisibility. According to "The Tale of the Three Brothers", it was the first Hallow created, supposedly made by Death himself. It was bestowed upon Antioch Peverell after he requested, as his bounty, a wand worthy of someone who had outsmarted Death. According to legend, whoever united the wand with the other two Hallows (the Resurrection Stone and the Cloak of Invisibility) would become the Master of Death.

It is said to be the most powerful wand that has ever existed, able to perform feats of magic that would normally be impossible even for the most skilled wizards, such as mending another wand damaged beyond normal magical repair. The Elder Wand's core is the tail hair of a Thestral, a potent yet tricky substance to master; only a witch or wizard who is capable of accepting death can do so.

The wand is made of elder wood, is 15 inches and contains a Thestral tail-hair core. The latter is "a tricky substance that only wizards that mastered death can control." Despite it's legendary reputation and immense ability, the Elder Wand was an unassuming object. Appearing at face value to be a wand like any other, it had a smooth, unadorned shaft and a handle formed from two conjoined spheres.

According to the "Tale of the Three Brothers" (as compiled in The Tales of Beedle the Bard) three brothers ó suspected to be Antioch, Cadmus, and Ignotus Peverell ó were out travelling when they came to a treacherous river that had been known to claim the lives of many that had attempted to cross it. Taking no chances, the three brothers pulled out their wands and conjured a bridge out of thin air. However, as they began to cross it, they found a hooded figure blocking their path. It was Death himself, dressed in a simple long black cloak. Death felt cheated that the three brothers had outsmarted him and had not drowned in the river, as many others had.

While pretending to congratulate them for their triumph, Death schemed against them. He offered each brother their choice of gift as a reward for outsmarting him. The eldest went first, and being a belligerent man he asked for a wand that would defeat all others. Death went to a nearby elder tree and created a wand from its wood, which he handed to the eldest brother. The second brother, who wanted to humiliate Death even further, asked for an object that would recall the dead and was given the Resurrection Stone. The youngest was wiser than his brothers and was sceptical of Death's intentions. He asked for an object that would allow him to live his life without the fear of Death following him. Reluctantly, Death handed over his own Cloak of Invisibility.

Albus Dumbledore thought it was unlikely that the Elder Wand was actually made by Death, and assumed that it may have been created by the eldest of the three Peverell brothers, Antioch. However, Antioch did not possess the Elder Wand for very long: After killing a rival wizard in a duel shortly after creating the wand, Antioch drunkenly boasted of the wand's powers. He was murdered in his sleep that night and another wizard took possession of the wand.

Over time, this powerful and mysterious wand passed through various hands, usually by violent means, and acquired names such as "the Deathstick" and "the Wand of Destiny". Several of the wand's owners are well-known to wizarding history, as the "bloody trail" wrought by the wand was recorded in numerous historical accounts. Many owners were killed by their successors in a lust for power, and over time the inaccurate legend grew that murder is necessary in order to attain mastery of the Elder Wand.

Emeric the Evil was a short-lived but exceptionally aggressive wizard. He was the first historically known master of the Elder Wand after Antioch Peverell's killer, though it is possible that others possessed the wand before him. Emeric terrorised the south of England in the early Middle Ages and was eventually "slaughtered" in a ferocious duel against Egbert the Egregious.

Egbert the Egregious became Master of the Elder Wand after defeating and killing Emeric the Evil in a duel. What became of Egbert after mastering the Elder Wand is unknown. What is known is that century later, Godelot is recorded to have obtained mastership of the wand.

Godelot is known to have become Master of the Elder Wand around a century after Egbert the Egregious. Godelot considered the Elder Wand an instructor, and used his knowledge of the Wand's powers to write Magick Moste Evile, a book containing information on Dark magic (including a passing reference to Horcruxes in its introduction). Godelot perished in his own cellar after he was locked in there by his son, Hereward, who did this to gain ownership of the Wand.

Hereward mastered the Elder Wand after defeating and killing his father, Godelot. He succeeded in this by locking his father in his own cellar to die and stealing the wand afterwards.
Barnabas Deverill

Following Hereward, the next known Master of the Elder Wand was Barnabas Deverill. In the early eighteenth century, he used it to carve out a reputation as a fearsome warlock until his reign of terror was ended by Loxias, who murdered Barnabas and gained mastery of the wand.

Loxias became Master of the Elder Wand following his defeat of Barnabas Deverill. Loxias gave it the name "the Deathstick" and used it against anyone who displeased him. It is unknown who defeated and/or killed Loxias, as ó according to Dumbledore ó many claimed to have finished him off, including Loxias's own mother. From Xenophilius Lovegood's understanding of history, either Arcus or Livius seemed to have killed him, as he believed one of them to be the next Master of the Elder Wand.

According to Xenophilius Lovegood, it is debated whether Arcus and Livius became the Master of the Elder Wand after Loxias's death, as tracking the wand's history any further than this point becomes difficult.

At some point during the nineteenth century, the Elder Wand came into the possession of wandmaker Mykew Gregorovitch. Upon realising that it was the most powerful wand in existence, Gregorovitch spent many years experimenting to try and duplicate its powers. Gregorovitch, somewhat foolish by nature and hoping it would improve his business, even started a rumour detailing that he possessed the wand and his efforts to replicate its properties. This would eventually lead to his undoing; sometime between 1899 and 1926, Gregorovitch heard someone breaking into his workshop one night. He promptly ran inside and saw that an intruder had taken the wand: a blonde haired young man, who promptly shot a Stunning Spell at Gregorovitch to acquire mastery of the wand, before leaping out the window. Gregorovitch never discovered the man's identity.

Gellert Grindelwald was one of the most dangerous Dark Wizards of all time, with only the more powerful evil Lord Voldemort being deemed to be his superior. He was educated at Durmstrang Institute, but was later expelled. Grindelwald's great-aunt was the famous magical historian Bathilda Bagshot, and following his expulsion he lived with her in the village Godric's Hollow for a summer. During this time he struck up a friendship with a young Albus Dumbledore, and the two made plans to find the Deathly Hallows. They believed that possessing the Hallows would allow them to create a world in which Muggles, out of necessity and for the greater good, would be subservient to wizards and witches. This partnership fell apart after the two were involved in a vicious three-way duel with Albus' brother Aberforth, which resulted in the accidental death of his sister Ariana.

After his falling out with Dumbledore, Grindelwald delved into his research of the Deathly Hallows and uncovered the location of the Elder Wand. Rumours had been circulating that the renowned wandmaker Gregorovitch had the wand and was trying to duplicate its properties. Grindelwald broke into the wandmaker's workshop, and succeeded in claiming ownership of the fabled wand by waiting until Gregorovitch came and then casting a stunning spell at him, making himself the rightful owner.

Over the years, Grindelwald raised an army and began a reign of terror that spread through several European countries and resulted in the murder of many wizards and Muggles. He never attempted to seize power in Britain, though, due to his fear of his former friend Dumbledore, who was "a shade more skilful" than he was. During his reign, Grindelwald built the Nurmengard prison to hold any enemies or objectors, all while claiming that everything he did was "for the greater good", which was the phrase he inscribed above the entrance of Nurmengard.

In 1927, Grindelwald used the wand in his escape. Later on, Aurors infiltrated the rally in Lestrange Mausoleum on PŤre Lachaise Cemetery in Paris, Grindelwald used the Elder Wand to conjure a circle of protective fire around himself, and added an enchantment designed to test the loyalty of his followers: those who entered with complete fidelity and believed in his cause would survive; those who did not, would be engulfed and perish. Abernathy, Vinda Rosier, Credence Barebone, and Queenie Goldstein joined Grindelwald into the circle and Apparated. Grindelwald proceeded to use the wand to quickly dispatch many Aurors, manipulating the ring to cast columns and balls of black fire that slayed even Aurors in mid-apparation. Ultimately, about half a dozen of the fifty Aurors Theseus Scamander had brought along accepted his offer and joined him in the circle as well. Then Grindelwald, mocking Newt Scamander by asking whether he thought Dumbledore would mourn for him, attacked him and Theseus and would have succeeded in burning them alive had he not been distracted by Leta Lestrange, who screamed to him to stop. Grindelwald did so, manipulating the black fire to act as a wall to prevent Theseus from doing anything, and in response, offered her to join his ranks. She refused, however, and cast the Stunning Spell at him that missed and blasted Vinda Rosier instead, causing her to drop it, smashing his skull hookah into pieces, with Grindelwald killing Leta with the flames, incinerating her. Having struck down Leta, Grindelwald let out his fury over losing such a valuable tool by fully unleashing the dark fire, with the intent on destroying the entirety of Paris, and all of those present along with it, before he disapparated. Just in time Nicolas Flamel has arrived and instructed Newt, Theseus, Tina Goldstein and Yusuf Kama to form a ring around the mausoleum, plant their wands in the ground and use the General Counter-Spell. The effect was the creation of a counter-spell so great that it forced the black fire back into the mausoleum where it ended its effects.

In 1945, at the height of Grindelwald's power, Albus Dumbledore finally felt compelled to confront his former friend due to the public outcry. Despite Grindelwald's mastery of the Elder Wand, as well as putting up a fight, Dumbledore defeated him in what became known as a legendary duel. Grindelwald was subsequently incarcerated in his own prison, Nurmengard, where he remained for decades. He was eventually slain there in 1998 by Lord Voldemort, who was in search of the Elder Wand. Grindelwald, however, refused to divulge any information about the wand, defying Voldemort in a last attempt to find redemption.
Albus Dumbledore's possession.

When Albus Dumbledore defeated Grindelwald in 1945, mastery of the Elder Wand passed to him. Under his ownership, the wand was largely used for good, unlike many of its former masters. Dumbledore performed great magic with this wand, furthering his reputation as the world's most powerful wizard. Among that magic was the ability to produce Gubraithian Fire, a flame which has been enchanted to burn forever without dying. It is quite an advanced piece of magic, as few wizards were capable of it. Dumbledore provided Rubeus Hagrid with a branch of this fire as a diplomatic gift for the giants.

During the 1994-1995 school year, Dumbledore used the wand to stun Dolores Umbridge, Cornelius Fudge, John Dawlish, and Kingsley Shacklebolt as he made his escape when the Ministry tried to take him to Azkaban. When he arrived at the Ministry to aid the Order of the Phoenix in the battle against the Death Eaters, he engaged in a ferocious duel with Lord Voldemort, using his wand to enchant the statues from the Fountain of Magical Brethren to protect Harry. Dumbledore was able to maintain the upper hand in the duel, countering Voldemort's attacks. While the Dark Lord was able to counter or dispel Dumbledore's hail of assaults, he was ultimately forced to flee.

During Harry's sixth year, Dumbledore and Harry set out to the Cave where Dumbledore believed a Horcrux resided. When Harry dipped a goblet into the lake to provide water for Dumbledore (who was incredibly weak and thirsty after drinking the Drink of Despair to reach the Horcrux), all the Inferi that resided in the lake grabbed at Harry and attempted to drag him down and drown him in the lake. Dumbledore recovered enough to conjure a firestorm around them to ward off the Inferi, but remained very weak.

When they returned to Hogsmeade, Madam Rosmerta informed them that the Dark Mark had been conjured over the Astronomy Tower. In the tower, Dumbledore told Harry not to interfere in the events that were about to take place there, and, to ensure this, placed him in a Body-Bind Curse under his invisibility cloak. Hidden, Harry was unable to intervene as Dumbledore (now extremely weakened by the potion) was Disarmed by Draco Malfoy. The wand flew from Dumbledore's hands over the battlements, but was clearly found later, as it was placed in Dumbledore's grave alongside his corpse.

Dumbledore was conversing with Draco about the plot to assassinate him when several other Death Eaters entered the tower and tried to persuade Draco to finish his task as well as Dumbledore. The present Death Eaters included Thorfinn Rowle, Corban Yaxley, Gibbon, Amycus Carrow, Alecto Carrow and Fenrir Greyback. Dumbledore briefly exchanged words with Bellatrix and Grayback. When Draco hesitated, Severus Snape appeared and performed the Killing Curse on Dumbledore himself. Harry learned that, in order to save himself from a more agonising death, and to prevent Draco from tarnishing his soul, Dumbledore had instructed Snape to kill him, of which Snape himself had reluctantly agreed to.

Unbeknownst to Snape, Dumbledore had also done this to ensure that when Snape killed him, Dumbledore would not unintentionally be "defeated" (as they had agreed to it beforehand, and Dumbledore intended to pass on the Elder Wand to Snape and was ready to accept death) and thus the mastery of the Elder Wand would be with Snape. However, not all went according to Dumbledore's plan, since Dumbledore was disarmed and thus was defeated by Draco Malfoy. Without his knowledge, Malfoy thus became the next master of the Elder Wand.

During the summer of 1997, Voldemort held a meeting at Malfoy Manor with his Death Eaters, in which he revealed that, in order to defeat Harry, he would need to borrow another person's wand because of the connection that his own wand shared with Harry's. He finally settled on Lucius Malfoy's wand as a way of punishing the Malfoy family, but that wand was destroyed by Harry's during the Battle of the Seven Potters. After this, a furious Voldemort tortured Garrick Ollivander into revealing more solutions to defeat Harry, eventually leading Voldemort to know of the Elder Wand's existence. Although originally desiring another wand only to defeat Potter, upon hearing the wand's legendary powers he sought its mastery in order to not only to conquer Harry Potter, but also to secure his desire as the ultimate wizard in the world, which he believed would make him invincible.

He devoted the latter half of 1997 (and into the spring of 1998) into a relentless and murderous search for the Elder Wand. He killed many people who stood in his way, including an innocent Muggle woman and her two small children. He eventually traced the wand's recent history, murdering both Gregorovitch and Grindelwald in the course of his search. It was after breaking into Grindelwald's cell in Nurmengard that Voldemort tracked the wand's ownership to Dumbledore, despite Grindelwald's efforts.

Voldemort broke into Dumbledore's grave and robbed it of the wand, which had been buried with its former master. However, unbeknownst to Voldemort, the former owner of the Elder Wand, Albus Dumbledore, had been disarmed by young Draco Malfoy. He believed that Severus Snape was the true owner of the wand after he realised the wand was not living up to its full potential, as Voldemort thought that Snape had been the one to kill Dumbledore, not taking into account the fact that Draco had disarmed Dumbledore before Snape killed him. As a result, Voldemort got his pet snake and Horcrux Nagini, to murder Snape. He believed he was now the Elder Wand's true master, but in the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry Potter, his young adversary, revealed to Voldemort that the wand had not belonged to Snape, but to Draco, and, after defeating Draco himself, Harry Potter.

Nearly a year after Draco had unintentionally become the wand's master, Harry Potter had taken Draco's wand by force during the Skirmish at Malfoy Manor, making him the new master of the Elder Wand. Late in the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry, who had learned that he had been accidentally made into Voldemort's Horcrux when he was a year old, walked into the Forbidden Forest to sacrifice himself to Lord Voldemort. Voldemort cast a Killing Curse on Harry using the Elder Wand. The wand seemingly worked because Harry intended to die at Voldemort's hand, much as Dumbledore had planned his death with Snape. Harry had entered a limbo state, portrayed as King's Cross Station, from which he could choose to return. When he did return, Voldemort cast the Cruciatus Curse on Harry's "dead" body but caused no pain. At this point, Harry realised that he was, in fact, the master of the Elder Wand.

Only in his final encounter with Harry at the Battle of Hogwarts was Voldemort told that he had failed to win the true allegiance of the wand, as he did not gain ownership by defeating its previous owner. Despite this, Voldemort used the Elder Wand to cast his final Killing Curse against Harry's Disarming Charm. However, because the wand's allegiance was to Harry, Voldemort's spell backfired and killed him, once and for all.
Harry's decision

With Voldemort defeated, and Harry now the true master and possessor of the Elder Wand, he used it to repair his damaged original wand of holly and phoenix feather, which he said he was "happier with". After the repair, Harry told Dumbledore's portrait that he would place the Elder Wand back in Dumbledore's tomb, and when Harry died a natural death, the wand's power would be broken as Dumbledore had intended. The portrait of Professor Dumbledore approved.

The Elder Wand was the most powerful wand in existence. Its owner could have used it to cast spells more powerful than any believed to be magically possible. For example, Harry Potter was able to repair his regular Phoenix feather wand using the Elder Wand in 1998, even though broken wands were held, by experts such as Garrick Ollivander, to be damaged beyond magical repair, and despite not having any training in wandlore. Both Ollivander and Voldemort believed that the wand's legendary powers is the only one capable of overpowering the bond between the latter and Harry, which created such an effect that Harry managed to overcome Voldemort's attempt to kill him.

However, there does exist limitations in the Elder Wand's power, appearing to merely able to improve pre-existing spells to perform the seemingly impossible but not actually able to perform the impossible. Dumbledore himself was incapable of curing the petrified victims of Salazar Slytherin's Basilisk or nullifying the curse on Marvolo Gaunt's ring entirely, and neither was he able to overcome the enchantments upon Voldemort's Drink of Despair with the wand amplifying his own magic. In addition, while most of the times where the Elder Wand shifted allegiance was not in a fair fight but by cunning assassination, it does not entirely guarantee victory against others, as displayed by Dumbledore's ability to defeat Gellert Grindelwald despite him having mastered the Elder Wand, while Egbert the Egregious was known for having actually defeated Emeric the Evil in a duel to claim the wand. This can be attributable, however, to the fact that in these circumstances, the proper counter-charms or counter-potions weren't known to the master of the Elder Wand at the time. Moreover, not all spells have a counter-spell, but instead, a counter-potion. These scenarios are comparable to when Neville in his first few years studying at Hogwarts was cursed by Draco Malfoy many times, such as being bounded by the Leg-Locker Curse, which only Hermione in their year, was able to undo the effects of. Neville himself was unable to undo the Leg-Locker Curse's effects on him, but Hermione was, highlighting the fact that knowledge of the curse, its effects, and counter-curses or counter-potions are important in removing the effects of curses and other dark magic.

While it is stated that a wand will not give up its master so easily if it is attempted to be won, The Elder Wand seems to do this time and time again. However, this might not be referring to its willingness to give up its master, but rather to the amount of effort it took to defeat the wielder of the Wand. As the wand, like the eldest brother in the Tale, embodied the conceit that "Might is Right", greater power would, from its perspective, indicate superiority. Ron has noted that he would choose the wand of the three Hallows, but argued that he would do so while not proclaiming his ownership of it, reasoning that the wand was only dangerous to the first brother because he bragged about owning it rather than the wand being dangerous on its own.

When Lord Voldemort used the Elder Wand without mastering it he claimed that the wand only unleashed his regular (albeit immensely powerful) level of magic and not the unbeatable effects it was rumoured to possess. It's unknown if the wand would work this way for another who hasn't mastered it though, as Voldemort has used the wands of others in the past with no handicap, it's likely that this is his own power rather than that of the Elder Wand.

It did have one redeeming quality like all other wands, however: it refused to harm or kill its master nor those under sacrificial protection.

I read this entire post and I donít know why but it was entertaining

nunsexmonkrock
Apr 13, 2008




My job once gave me a knock off wireless hitachi, but as a gay man I really had no use for it. So I'd just turn it on and chase the cat around with it because he was terrified of it. I think it got lost in a move or something. No big loss

Edit: unironically I think it was called a fairy.

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

What, gay men don't get back & neck pain?!

1redflag
Feb 15, 2012

I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!


Gay men ainít got no prostates?

Endless Trash
Aug 12, 2007




1redflag posted:

Gay men ainít got no prostates?

Please donít try to put a hitachi up your rear end

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Hey if it's smaller than a man's fist,

nunsexmonkrock
Apr 13, 2008




Colonel Cancer posted:

What, gay men don't get back & neck pain?!

I already have a back an neck massager that works very well tyvm!

Zil
Jun 4, 2011

Satanically Summoned Citrus



One More Fat Nerd posted:

I think this was an Achewood comic.

Some goon who had worked in a sex toy store years ago talked about these things and if I remember right they called them "Divorce Machines", because apparently hetero couples who get them tend to break up shortly. They theorized that it was either:

1) if your woman needs this to get off with you, your relationship is hosed, or

2) that it basically results in excising the man from the womans sex life.

So you are saying I just made a terrible mistake when I bought my wife one of these as a gift to replace her broken vibrator.

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

No you made a great gift of freeing your wife from the patriarchal institution of marriage

Derpies
Mar 10, 2014
Probation
Can't post for 12 hours!


Zil posted:

So you are saying I just made a terrible mistake when I bought my wife one of these as a gift to replace her broken vibrator.



Time to start checking out local studio apartments

nunsexmonkrock
Apr 13, 2008




Zil posted:

So you are saying I just made a terrible mistake when I bought my wife one of these as a gift to replace her broken vibrator.



Hey I'd give my husband 10 blow jobs and use it on him if he ever got me one of these things.

https://usstore.tenga.co/products/tfz-001

So your wife can have hers and you can have yours.

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

you can call
but I seldom answer after all




nunsexmonkrock posted:

I already have a back an neck massager that works very well tyvm!



the ideal ratio

Weka
May 5, 2019

And if you gaze long into an abyss, you will say `look, no ring.`

Balls... on the side!?

twistedmentat
Nov 21, 2003

What's a war hero got to do to get some lubrication around here?



The Symbol of the Revolutionary Sex Workers Council


AKA


All of my Sex Worker friends swear by them. First things most bought with the money they made from OF or MFC or CB or wherever they ply their trade.

Coxswain Balls
Jun 3, 2001



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x52zPfr3c08

The bearings and screws are rusted, not sure how moisture got in there.

Nefarious 2.0
Apr 22, 2008

Offense is overrated anyway.



i shoved it up in me and i feel TERRIBLE

QuarkJets
Sep 8, 2008

It's a handshake in progress


R.L. Stine posted:

The Hitachi Magic Wand is pretty cool, yeah, but the Elder Wand is one of three objects that make up the fabled Deathly Hallows along with the Resurrection Stone and the Cloak of Invisibility. According to "The Tale of the Three Brothers", it was the first Hallow created, supposedly made by Death himself. It was bestowed upon Antioch Peverell after he requested, as his bounty, a wand worthy of someone who had outsmarted Death. According to legend, whoever united the wand with the other two Hallows (the Resurrection Stone and the Cloak of Invisibility) would become the Master of Death.

It is said to be the most powerful wand that has ever existed, able to perform feats of magic that would normally be impossible even for the most skilled wizards, such as mending another wand damaged beyond normal magical repair. The Elder Wand's core is the tail hair of a Thestral, a potent yet tricky substance to master; only a witch or wizard who is capable of accepting death can do so.

The wand is made of elder wood, is 15 inches and contains a Thestral tail-hair core. The latter is "a tricky substance that only wizards that mastered death can control." Despite it's legendary reputation and immense ability, the Elder Wand was an unassuming object. Appearing at face value to be a wand like any other, it had a smooth, unadorned shaft and a handle formed from two conjoined spheres.

According to the "Tale of the Three Brothers" (as compiled in The Tales of Beedle the Bard) three brothers — suspected to be Antioch, Cadmus, and Ignotus Peverell — were out travelling when they came to a treacherous river that had been known to claim the lives of many that had attempted to cross it. Taking no chances, the three brothers pulled out their wands and conjured a bridge out of thin air. However, as they began to cross it, they found a hooded figure blocking their path. It was Death himself, dressed in a simple long black cloak. Death felt cheated that the three brothers had outsmarted him and had not drowned in the river, as many others had.

While pretending to congratulate them for their triumph, Death schemed against them. He offered each brother their choice of gift as a reward for outsmarting him. The eldest went first, and being a belligerent man he asked for a wand that would defeat all others. Death went to a nearby elder tree and created a wand from its wood, which he handed to the eldest brother. The second brother, who wanted to humiliate Death even further, asked for an object that would recall the dead and was given the Resurrection Stone. The youngest was wiser than his brothers and was sceptical of Death's intentions. He asked for an object that would allow him to live his life without the fear of Death following him. Reluctantly, Death handed over his own Cloak of Invisibility.

Albus Dumbledore thought it was unlikely that the Elder Wand was actually made by Death, and assumed that it may have been created by the eldest of the three Peverell brothers, Antioch. However, Antioch did not possess the Elder Wand for very long: After killing a rival wizard in a duel shortly after creating the wand, Antioch drunkenly boasted of the wand's powers. He was murdered in his sleep that night and another wizard took possession of the wand.

Over time, this powerful and mysterious wand passed through various hands, usually by violent means, and acquired names such as "the Deathstick" and "the Wand of Destiny". Several of the wand's owners are well-known to wizarding history, as the "bloody trail" wrought by the wand was recorded in numerous historical accounts. Many owners were killed by their successors in a lust for power, and over time the inaccurate legend grew that murder is necessary in order to attain mastery of the Elder Wand.

Emeric the Evil was a short-lived but exceptionally aggressive wizard. He was the first historically known master of the Elder Wand after Antioch Peverell's killer, though it is possible that others possessed the wand before him. Emeric terrorised the south of England in the early Middle Ages and was eventually "slaughtered" in a ferocious duel against Egbert the Egregious.

Egbert the Egregious became Master of the Elder Wand after defeating and killing Emeric the Evil in a duel. What became of Egbert after mastering the Elder Wand is unknown. What is known is that century later, Godelot is recorded to have obtained mastership of the wand.

Godelot is known to have become Master of the Elder Wand around a century after Egbert the Egregious. Godelot considered the Elder Wand an instructor, and used his knowledge of the Wand's powers to write Magick Moste Evile, a book containing information on Dark magic (including a passing reference to Horcruxes in its introduction). Godelot perished in his own cellar after he was locked in there by his son, Hereward, who did this to gain ownership of the Wand.

Hereward mastered the Elder Wand after defeating and killing his father, Godelot. He succeeded in this by locking his father in his own cellar to die and stealing the wand afterwards.
Barnabas Deverill

Following Hereward, the next known Master of the Elder Wand was Barnabas Deverill. In the early eighteenth century, he used it to carve out a reputation as a fearsome warlock until his reign of terror was ended by Loxias, who murdered Barnabas and gained mastery of the wand.

Loxias became Master of the Elder Wand following his defeat of Barnabas Deverill. Loxias gave it the name "the Deathstick" and used it against anyone who displeased him. It is unknown who defeated and/or killed Loxias, as — according to Dumbledore — many claimed to have finished him off, including Loxias's own mother. From Xenophilius Lovegood's understanding of history, either Arcus or Livius seemed to have killed him, as he believed one of them to be the next Master of the Elder Wand.

According to Xenophilius Lovegood, it is debated whether Arcus and Livius became the Master of the Elder Wand after Loxias's death, as tracking the wand's history any further than this point becomes difficult.

At some point during the nineteenth century, the Elder Wand came into the possession of wandmaker Mykew Gregorovitch. Upon realising that it was the most powerful wand in existence, Gregorovitch spent many years experimenting to try and duplicate its powers. Gregorovitch, somewhat foolish by nature and hoping it would improve his business, even started a rumour detailing that he possessed the wand and his efforts to replicate its properties. This would eventually lead to his undoing; sometime between 1899 and 1926, Gregorovitch heard someone breaking into his workshop one night. He promptly ran inside and saw that an intruder had taken the wand: a blonde haired young man, who promptly shot a Stunning Spell at Gregorovitch to acquire mastery of the wand, before leaping out the window. Gregorovitch never discovered the man's identity.

Gellert Grindelwald was one of the most dangerous Dark Wizards of all time, with only the more powerful evil Lord Voldemort being deemed to be his superior. He was educated at Durmstrang Institute, but was later expelled. Grindelwald's great-aunt was the famous magical historian Bathilda Bagshot, and following his expulsion he lived with her in the village Godric's Hollow for a summer. During this time he struck up a friendship with a young Albus Dumbledore, and the two made plans to find the Deathly Hallows. They believed that possessing the Hallows would allow them to create a world in which Muggles, out of necessity and for the greater good, would be subservient to wizards and witches. This partnership fell apart after the two were involved in a vicious three-way duel with Albus' brother Aberforth, which resulted in the accidental death of his sister Ariana.

After his falling out with Dumbledore, Grindelwald delved into his research of the Deathly Hallows and uncovered the location of the Elder Wand. Rumours had been circulating that the renowned wandmaker Gregorovitch had the wand and was trying to duplicate its properties. Grindelwald broke into the wandmaker's workshop, and succeeded in claiming ownership of the fabled wand by waiting until Gregorovitch came and then casting a stunning spell at him, making himself the rightful owner.

Over the years, Grindelwald raised an army and began a reign of terror that spread through several European countries and resulted in the murder of many wizards and Muggles. He never attempted to seize power in Britain, though, due to his fear of his former friend Dumbledore, who was "a shade more skilful" than he was. During his reign, Grindelwald built the Nurmengard prison to hold any enemies or objectors, all while claiming that everything he did was "for the greater good", which was the phrase he inscribed above the entrance of Nurmengard.

In 1927, Grindelwald used the wand in his escape. Later on, Aurors infiltrated the rally in Lestrange Mausoleum on Père Lachaise Cemetery in Paris, Grindelwald used the Elder Wand to conjure a circle of protective fire around himself, and added an enchantment designed to test the loyalty of his followers: those who entered with complete fidelity and believed in his cause would survive; those who did not, would be engulfed and perish. Abernathy, Vinda Rosier, Credence Barebone, and Queenie Goldstein joined Grindelwald into the circle and Apparated. Grindelwald proceeded to use the wand to quickly dispatch many Aurors, manipulating the ring to cast columns and balls of black fire that slayed even Aurors in mid-apparation. Ultimately, about half a dozen of the fifty Aurors Theseus Scamander had brought along accepted his offer and joined him in the circle as well. Then Grindelwald, mocking Newt Scamander by asking whether he thought Dumbledore would mourn for him, attacked him and Theseus and would have succeeded in burning them alive had he not been distracted by Leta Lestrange, who screamed to him to stop. Grindelwald did so, manipulating the black fire to act as a wall to prevent Theseus from doing anything, and in response, offered her to join his ranks. She refused, however, and cast the Stunning Spell at him that missed and blasted Vinda Rosier instead, causing her to drop it, smashing his skull hookah into pieces, with Grindelwald killing Leta with the flames, incinerating her. Having struck down Leta, Grindelwald let out his fury over losing such a valuable tool by fully unleashing the dark fire, with the intent on destroying the entirety of Paris, and all of those present along with it, before he disapparated. Just in time Nicolas Flamel has arrived and instructed Newt, Theseus, Tina Goldstein and Yusuf Kama to form a ring around the mausoleum, plant their wands in the ground and use the General Counter-Spell. The effect was the creation of a counter-spell so great that it forced the black fire back into the mausoleum where it ended its effects.

In 1945, at the height of Grindelwald's power, Albus Dumbledore finally felt compelled to confront his former friend due to the public outcry. Despite Grindelwald's mastery of the Elder Wand, as well as putting up a fight, Dumbledore defeated him in what became known as a legendary duel. Grindelwald was subsequently incarcerated in his own prison, Nurmengard, where he remained for decades. He was eventually slain there in 1998 by Lord Voldemort, who was in search of the Elder Wand. Grindelwald, however, refused to divulge any information about the wand, defying Voldemort in a last attempt to find redemption.
Albus Dumbledore's possession.

When Albus Dumbledore defeated Grindelwald in 1945, mastery of the Elder Wand passed to him. Under his ownership, the wand was largely used for good, unlike many of its former masters. Dumbledore performed great magic with this wand, furthering his reputation as the world's most powerful wizard. Among that magic was the ability to produce Gubraithian Fire, a flame which has been enchanted to burn forever without dying. It is quite an advanced piece of magic, as few wizards were capable of it. Dumbledore provided Rubeus Hagrid with a branch of this fire as a diplomatic gift for the giants.

During the 1994-1995 school year, Dumbledore used the wand to stun Dolores Umbridge, Cornelius Fudge, John Dawlish, and Kingsley Shacklebolt as he made his escape when the Ministry tried to take him to Azkaban. When he arrived at the Ministry to aid the Order of the Phoenix in the battle against the Death Eaters, he engaged in a ferocious duel with Lord Voldemort, using his wand to enchant the statues from the Fountain of Magical Brethren to protect Harry. Dumbledore was able to maintain the upper hand in the duel, countering Voldemort's attacks. While the Dark Lord was able to counter or dispel Dumbledore's hail of assaults, he was ultimately forced to flee.

During Harry's sixth year, Dumbledore and Harry set out to the Cave where Dumbledore believed a Horcrux resided. When Harry dipped a goblet into the lake to provide water for Dumbledore (who was incredibly weak and thirsty after drinking the Drink of Despair to reach the Horcrux), all the Inferi that resided in the lake grabbed at Harry and attempted to drag him down and drown him in the lake. Dumbledore recovered enough to conjure a firestorm around them to ward off the Inferi, but remained very weak.

When they returned to Hogsmeade, Madam Rosmerta informed them that the Dark Mark had been conjured over the Astronomy Tower. In the tower, Dumbledore told Harry not to interfere in the events that were about to take place there, and, to ensure this, placed him in a Body-Bind Curse under his invisibility cloak. Hidden, Harry was unable to intervene as Dumbledore (now extremely weakened by the potion) was Disarmed by Draco Malfoy. The wand flew from Dumbledore's hands over the battlements, but was clearly found later, as it was placed in Dumbledore's grave alongside his corpse.

Dumbledore was conversing with Draco about the plot to assassinate him when several other Death Eaters entered the tower and tried to persuade Draco to finish his task as well as Dumbledore. The present Death Eaters included Thorfinn Rowle, Corban Yaxley, Gibbon, Amycus Carrow, Alecto Carrow and Fenrir Greyback. Dumbledore briefly exchanged words with Bellatrix and Grayback. When Draco hesitated, Severus Snape appeared and performed the Killing Curse on Dumbledore himself. Harry learned that, in order to save himself from a more agonising death, and to prevent Draco from tarnishing his soul, Dumbledore had instructed Snape to kill him, of which Snape himself had reluctantly agreed to.

Unbeknownst to Snape, Dumbledore had also done this to ensure that when Snape killed him, Dumbledore would not unintentionally be "defeated" (as they had agreed to it beforehand, and Dumbledore intended to pass on the Elder Wand to Snape and was ready to accept death) and thus the mastery of the Elder Wand would be with Snape. However, not all went according to Dumbledore's plan, since Dumbledore was disarmed and thus was defeated by Draco Malfoy. Without his knowledge, Malfoy thus became the next master of the Elder Wand.

During the summer of 1997, Voldemort held a meeting at Malfoy Manor with his Death Eaters, in which he revealed that, in order to defeat Harry, he would need to borrow another person's wand because of the connection that his own wand shared with Harry's. He finally settled on Lucius Malfoy's wand as a way of punishing the Malfoy family, but that wand was destroyed by Harry's during the Battle of the Seven Potters. After this, a furious Voldemort tortured Garrick Ollivander into revealing more solutions to defeat Harry, eventually leading Voldemort to know of the Elder Wand's existence. Although originally desiring another wand only to defeat Potter, upon hearing the wand's legendary powers he sought its mastery in order to not only to conquer Harry Potter, but also to secure his desire as the ultimate wizard in the world, which he believed would make him invincible.

He devoted the latter half of 1997 (and into the spring of 1998) into a relentless and murderous search for the Elder Wand. He killed many people who stood in his way, including an innocent Muggle woman and her two small children. He eventually traced the wand's recent history, murdering both Gregorovitch and Grindelwald in the course of his search. It was after breaking into Grindelwald's cell in Nurmengard that Voldemort tracked the wand's ownership to Dumbledore, despite Grindelwald's efforts.

Voldemort broke into Dumbledore's grave and robbed it of the wand, which had been buried with its former master. However, unbeknownst to Voldemort, the former owner of the Elder Wand, Albus Dumbledore, had been disarmed by young Draco Malfoy. He believed that Severus Snape was the true owner of the wand after he realised the wand was not living up to its full potential, as Voldemort thought that Snape had been the one to kill Dumbledore, not taking into account the fact that Draco had disarmed Dumbledore before Snape killed him. As a result, Voldemort got his pet snake and Horcrux Nagini, to murder Snape. He believed he was now the Elder Wand's true master, but in the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry Potter, his young adversary, revealed to Voldemort that the wand had not belonged to Snape, but to Draco, and, after defeating Draco himself, Harry Potter.

Nearly a year after Draco had unintentionally become the wand's master, Harry Potter had taken Draco's wand by force during the Skirmish at Malfoy Manor, making him the new master of the Elder Wand. Late in the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry, who had learned that he had been accidentally made into Voldemort's Horcrux when he was a year old, walked into the Forbidden Forest to sacrifice himself to Lord Voldemort. Voldemort cast a Killing Curse on Harry using the Elder Wand. The wand seemingly worked because Harry intended to die at Voldemort's hand, much as Dumbledore had planned his death with Snape. Harry had entered a limbo state, portrayed as King's Cross Station, from which he could choose to return. When he did return, Voldemort cast the Cruciatus Curse on Harry's "dead" body but caused no pain. At this point, Harry realised that he was, in fact, the master of the Elder Wand.

Only in his final encounter with Harry at the Battle of Hogwarts was Voldemort told that he had failed to win the true allegiance of the wand, as he did not gain ownership by defeating its previous owner. Despite this, Voldemort used the Elder Wand to cast his final Killing Curse against Harry's Disarming Charm. However, because the wand's allegiance was to Harry, Voldemort's spell backfired and killed him, once and for all.
Harry's decision

With Voldemort defeated, and Harry now the true master and possessor of the Elder Wand, he used it to repair his damaged original wand of holly and phoenix feather, which he said he was "happier with". After the repair, Harry told Dumbledore's portrait that he would place the Elder Wand back in Dumbledore's tomb, and when Harry died a natural death, the wand's power would be broken as Dumbledore had intended. The portrait of Professor Dumbledore approved.

The Elder Wand was the most powerful wand in existence. Its owner could have used it to cast spells more powerful than any believed to be magically possible. For example, Harry Potter was able to repair his regular Phoenix feather wand using the Elder Wand in 1998, even though broken wands were held, by experts such as Garrick Ollivander, to be damaged beyond magical repair, and despite not having any training in wandlore. Both Ollivander and Voldemort believed that the wand's legendary powers is the only one capable of overpowering the bond between the latter and Harry, which created such an effect that Harry managed to overcome Voldemort's attempt to kill him.

However, there does exist limitations in the Elder Wand's power, appearing to merely able to improve pre-existing spells to perform the seemingly impossible but not actually able to perform the impossible. Dumbledore himself was incapable of curing the petrified victims of Salazar Slytherin's Basilisk or nullifying the curse on Marvolo Gaunt's ring entirely, and neither was he able to overcome the enchantments upon Voldemort's Drink of Despair with the wand amplifying his own magic. In addition, while most of the times where the Elder Wand shifted allegiance was not in a fair fight but by cunning assassination, it does not entirely guarantee victory against others, as displayed by Dumbledore's ability to defeat Gellert Grindelwald despite him having mastered the Elder Wand, while Egbert the Egregious was known for having actually defeated Emeric the Evil in a duel to claim the wand. This can be attributable, however, to the fact that in these circumstances, the proper counter-charms or counter-potions weren't known to the master of the Elder Wand at the time. Moreover, not all spells have a counter-spell, but instead, a counter-potion. These scenarios are comparable to when Neville in his first few years studying at Hogwarts was cursed by Draco Malfoy many times, such as being bounded by the Leg-Locker Curse, which only Hermione in their year, was able to undo the effects of. Neville himself was unable to undo the Leg-Locker Curse's effects on him, but Hermione was, highlighting the fact that knowledge of the curse, its effects, and counter-curses or counter-potions are important in removing the effects of curses and other dark magic.

While it is stated that a wand will not give up its master so easily if it is attempted to be won, The Elder Wand seems to do this time and time again. However, this might not be referring to its willingness to give up its master, but rather to the amount of effort it took to defeat the wielder of the Wand. As the wand, like the eldest brother in the Tale, embodied the conceit that "Might is Right", greater power would, from its perspective, indicate superiority. Ron has noted that he would choose the wand of the three Hallows, but argued that he would do so while not proclaiming his ownership of it, reasoning that the wand was only dangerous to the first brother because he bragged about owning it rather than the wand being dangerous on its own.

When Lord Voldemort used the Elder Wand without mastering it he claimed that the wand only unleashed his regular (albeit immensely powerful) level of magic and not the unbeatable effects it was rumoured to possess. It's unknown if the wand would work this way for another who hasn't mastered it though, as Voldemort has used the wands of others in the past with no handicap, it's likely that this is his own power rather than that of the Elder Wand.

It did have one redeeming quality like all other wands, however: it refused to harm or kill its master nor those under sacrificial protection.

Ron Weasley you're not being paid to yammer, that dog poo poo isn't going to pick itself up

Mega64
May 23, 2008





Does that mean that the key to a good back massage is to have someone rub their dick and balls on your back?

Ziv Zulander
Mar 24, 2017

ZZ for short



Mega64 posted:

Does that mean that the key to a good back massage is to have someone rub their dick and balls on your back?

Lower. No, lower. Keep going.

Ahhh thatís the spot

Slugnoid
Jun 23, 2006



Nap Ghost

if i rub this on my butthole will i bust? or is this another example of the tyranny of the st8s...

nunsexmonkrock
Apr 13, 2008




Mega64 posted:

Does that mean that the key to a good back massage is to have someone rub their dick and balls on your back?

Correct! Unless they aren't hot, then it's grose.

~Coxy
Dec 9, 2003

R.I.P. Inter-OS Sass - b.2000AD d.2003AD

Do it ironically posted:

they don't call it the hitachi magic wand anymore OP because hitachi are prudes and sex shamers, it's called the magic wand original now so it wouldn't have hitachi's name on it

Oh, that must be the same reason they never had a special edition in Hitachi Green.

Rutibex
Sep 9, 2001

Official Forums Path of Exile Expert


hitachi is noob level. you need to get a massage gun OP, then you have some real power

Madness
Jan 23, 2007


OP try the clit stimulator from target called the pulse my wife loves that poo poo and it's available at loving target lol.

QuarkJets
Sep 8, 2008

It's a handshake in progress


Rutibex posted:

hitachi is noob level. you need to get a massage gun OP, then you have some real power



gently caress yeah you can literally shoot massages at people

nunsexmonkrock
Apr 13, 2008




gently caress that noise. Get a Sybian:



vvv: You know what it's about!

nunsexmonkrock fucked around with this message at 12:37 on Apr 11, 2021

Mr Ice Cream Glove
Apr 22, 2007
"If you put a hamburger in the toaster it'll say Happy Birthday."




nunsexmonkrock posted:

gently caress that noise. Get a Sybian:



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Klyith
Aug 3, 2007

GBS Pledge Week


~Coxy posted:

Oh, that must be the same reason they never had a special edition in Hitachi Green.


They did, but it was only available with the Heavy Duty model:

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