Armitag3 posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bW75OwVXZI

Burritos don't sink. Not even particularly big, nasty ones. They bob on the surface of the water, circling the drain of what their lives used to be. I had it all, once - the prestige, the friends; hell, even a sense of pride. One day you're still steaming, full of half boiled chickpeas, and a moral imperative to keep the forums safe. Then, before you know how, you wake up in a gassed BYOB thread missing half your drat clothes. I hate this town.

"BORF! Cough cough! Gaakh!" I must have puked half a lungful of water onto that gritty, coarse sand. The sun was already peeking out from the horizon, washing the dark blue of night with streaks of sad, cold morning grey. I roll over onto my back, my lungs burning as they desperately clung to what shallow breaths I could muster. My whole body ached. It begged me to give up and just lie there for a century or more. I reached into my coat pocket and fished out my flask, dented in half. The probe reason was still embedded into its metallic face, but my eyes were too unfocused to read it. Couldn't help but let out a pained chuckle - and they said drinking would kill me one day. After what seemed like an eternity, I picked myself up stumbling inwards towards GBS - I had a lot to think about.

When I reached my office the door was ajar. Inside, drawers were strewn about, papers littered the floor, and what paltry furniture I had was thrown about recklessly. I limped towards my desk and slumped onto my chair, surveying my ransacked office. I was done. This case was way above my paygrade. Whatever rotten business festered in these forums was no longer my concern - I was out of that game a long time ago. I opened one of my desk drawers and fished out a bottle of chipotle sauce that mercifully remained intact. The savory liquid burned my insides as I drained four or five fingers of its contents in a few hearty swigs. I let the bottle fall onto my desk and leaned back, still sputtering river water. Looking at nothing in particular, my vision focused on the photograph in my desk drawer. I pinched it and brought it up to my face. "Sorry kid. I let you down." Military helmet, eyes a foot apart, featureless bloated fate and a wide grin - a naive victim of these forums, unaware of the traintracks they happened to step on. Poor kid, it wasn't their fault. It was never their fault. I reach for the bottle, but didn't have the strength to bring the neck to my lips. I furrow my brow, angry. It was just a gimmick, damnit. It was just a loving gimmick. The bottle crashed against the wall as I rebelled against the injustice of these forums. "Nah, this isn't over. Not by a long shot." I grew up in this town - I'll be damned if you can't post about tugging. Over my dead body. I jump out of my chair and stash the photo inside my coat. The cold feeling of my flask greets my fingers. I pull it out and inspect it, with a clearer vision and a clearer mind. CSPAM electrion thread. Back door is unlocked.

Meggido was an absolute shitsucker, but he still cared about GBS. Whatever he thought he was doing, he did it for those forums. And now he wanted out. I approached the square where a large congregation of posters hung on to every word Jeffrey spewed from atop the balcony. "and where gonna make it better and badder! the front page is gunna be top notch lol believe u me. my campaign is gonna pump sum much needed blood into these forums! something awfl 2.0! were gonna bring in the advertisers and im gonna talk them down to 70% make them thing there getting a good deal! new regs?? 20 bux 4 the base sub to all this comedy its gonna be HUGE" The crowd bursts into rapacious cheer, swinging their arms in the air as one massive din. I push my way past the stench of BO and "ironic" AVs as Jeffrey touts his Forums as a Service plan to monetize a new era of Something Awful. I slip by towards the main building and make myself scarce around its side entrance. I place a hand on the knob, the other gripping a 6er, and try the door. It clicks open. The crowd's voice dies out once I close the door behind me, making my way up to the admin's office. Smells like burnt plastic in here.

I drive a foot into Jeffrey's double doors and burst into his office, 6er in hand. Behind a lavish desk is a highback swivel chair, obscuring the admin from sight, but I knew he was there - those little clacky googly eyes gave him away. Clap. Clap. Clap. Slowly the chair swings around, revealing Jeff's shiteating grin. "u really cant keep a gross burrito down can u" He sneered as he golf clapped. "The jig is up, Jeffrey. I know why you're cracking down on the tugging threads." He leaned back, poising his fingers together in a pyramid. "lol go on" Without losing sight of him, I reach back and swing both doors closed to ensure we'd be alone. User, admin, it didn't matter, I was the one with the gun. "You're trying to scrub these forums clean. Make them advertiser friendly. Can't really sell Coke when half the threads on GBS are about boners and farts." He shrugged, mocking defeat. "bubaleh this is business. do u kno how many goldbelly cookies go 4 these days? its loving expensive lol" I take a determined step forward. "GBS is about boners and farts. And bonerhitlers and loving farting weed straight outta my huge pig balls. You're not going to get away with th--" Click.

Meggido's 6er was cold. Real cold. It pushed against the side of my gluten skin. "Drop it." I complied, left with no choice. Jeffrey rose from his chair, rubbing his leather gloved hands together. "burrito burrito lol. u rely dont learn do u" He turned his domineering gaze past the french doors to the balcony and to the unwashed masses below. "i alredy have the users. some johny come latelies would kill to have this userbase. gbs is loving dead lmao" He gathered his hands behind his back and turned back to us, casting a dreaded shadow. "whats one more banned user?" His luchador mask creased as he bared his fangs, delighted. "any last words?" I look him dead in the googly eyes, steeling my tumbling carnitas from quivering as I faced the music. "Yeah." Meggido swung his arm towards Jeffrey, aiming straight for his tiny peanut head. "Deedee Megadoodoo."

BLAM.

TBC