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Boiled Water
Apr 5, 2006

YOU ARE A BRAIN
IN A BUNKER


The story so far:

quote:

Before you stand two CTOs. One has a budget, but cannot make spending decisions. The other has social capital and decides the course but has no budget. They are enemies.


Your project deadline set by both white men in t-shirts and blazers is coming up.
What do you do?


quote:

> start replying to people on linkedin

A recruiter you replied to wants to have a phone screen, but before he is allowed to do so by his superiors could you, like, possibly do this very short take-home? Also please send me your resume anonymized.
The recruiter emphasizes his eagerness to "get you on board".



quote:

> send spike

quote:

Spike sent

You send the recruiter a carefully crafted virus packaged in your resume pdf. Alas the crafty bugger is using a tablet.

"Great resume!", the recruiter replies, continuing: "Here's a link to the Code Challenge, oh by the way we'd like you to keep your camera on for the duration"



quote:

Go north

quote:

Interviewing continues to be garbage. Your put your head in your hands. After resting comfortably and dreaming of Belize you decide to walk about. Getting up from your desk in the software engineering quality creativity cluster, you make your way north. Before you are three hallways in shining glass:

1) Walkway to the C-level offices
a) Left hallway leading to HR and personnel services
α) Right hallway leading to IT, the office kitchen and accounting



>

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Ansible Adams
Mar 21, 2011


α

Best Bi Geek Squid
Mar 25, 2016


α to steal some nerd's lunch and / or lunch money

Powerful Two-Hander
Mar 9, 2004

Mods please change my name to "Tooter Skeleton" TIA.



>go to the bathroom

Boiled Water
Apr 5, 2006

YOU ARE A BRAIN
IN A BUNKER


Best Bi Geek Squid posted:

α to steal some nerd's lunch and / or lunch money

You make your way towards the break room, you have a hankering for some lunch and it ain't your own! On the way to the office kitchen you pass the bathroom, but you don't need that right? Stealing your terrible co-workers lunch is more important than bodily functions.
In the kitchen is: An espresso machine no one can figure out how works, are parts missing? A hot water kettle covered in limescale, table with six chairs crammed in, a sink never, a microwave and your prize the fridge.

>

Ansible Adams
Mar 21, 2011


Boiled Water posted:

You make your way towards the break room, you have a hankering for some lunch and it ain't your own! On the way to the office kitchen you pass the bathroom, but you don't need that right? Stealing your terrible co-workers lunch is more important than bodily functions.
In the kitchen is: An espresso machine no one can figure out how works, are parts missing? A hot water kettle covered in limescale, table with six chairs crammed in, a sink never, a microwave and your prize the fridge.

>

put the kettle in the microwave for 15 minutes

mediaphage
Mar 22, 2007

Excuse me, pardon me, sheer perfection coming through


find old fish in refrigerator and swap with kettle in the microwave

Powerful Two-Hander
Mar 9, 2004

Mods please change my name to "Tooter Skeleton" TIA.



you're an engineer right?
> try to fix coffee machine

Fart Sandwiches
Apr 3, 2006



mediaphage posted:

find old fish in refrigerator and swap with kettle in the microwave

put fish in the kettle percolator

Jeoh
Jul 20, 2010




mediaphage posted:

find old fish in refrigerator and swap with kettle in the microwave

Boiled Water
Apr 5, 2006

YOU ARE A BRAIN
IN A BUNKER


Kettle of ... fish? Surely that saying comes from this exact situation. Now the real question is which fish. The fridge contains the following fish based items, ownership of your friends in the office (you do have friends in the office right? ):

  • 24-hour store sushi pack, 8 pieces and wasabi
  • A sandwich, tuna melt
  • A sandwich, tuna, no wait, salmon mousse
  • One can, label sporting swordfish, no obvious date markings

The microwave of brand and make "Haier Electronics Ltd" can draw up to a maximum of 900W and is plugged into a standard socket with no ground. It has a variable setting for time, ranging from 0:30 to 10:00 minutes. The power settings are helpfully labeled: ☐, ⊙ and ✇. A number pad is also present, along with button labeled ⌧ and the ever helpful lever style door push open.

The kettle is either unbranded or the name rubbed off. It has a power lead with the ground pin helpfully ripped out. It will effortlessly cook a liter of water to boiling within a couple of minutes. You must supply yourself tea bags or powdered coffee.

bob dobbs is dead
Oct 8, 2017

hes dead


Nap Ghost

i miss haier the sa posters posts about fuckin randos in the china gbs thread

they were v disgusting but very funny

burning swine
May 26, 2004





> swordfish in kettle, kettle in microwave. 15 minutes

Achmed Jones
Oct 16, 2004





no dont!

> empty swordfish in kettle

> put water in kettle (2c)

> boil water

> put sushi on plate

> put plate in microwave

> nuke 15m

> go out

bob dobbs is dead
Oct 8, 2017

hes dead


Nap Ghost

dont forget the long protracted argument over whether putertouchers are engineers

make rigorously sure you never ask actual engineers

Best Bi Geek Squid
Mar 25, 2016


swordfish in microwave - 10 mins, ✇ power

burning swine
May 26, 2004





> throw baby into lake

Bloody
Mar 3, 2013



can in microwave, microwave on ✇ for 6 minutes

Bloody
Mar 3, 2013



store the kettle and sushi in inventory

Nomnom Cookie
Aug 30, 2009





pee in the kettle, set to boil

FamDav
Mar 29, 2008


Nomnom Cookie posted:

pee in the kettle, set to boil

drink from kettle

Shala
Oct 15, 2006

i shot the pilot



Lipstick Apathy

plug them both into the unground socket and turn them both on at the same time for the maximum time (with pee in both obvs)

Boiled Water
Apr 5, 2006

YOU ARE A BRAIN
IN A BUNKER


Content with the thought that no friends exist in this retched place, and surely none of them are true engineers, you unzip piss in the kettle before dumping the contents of mystery-can into said kettle. Pissing in a kettle shouldn't feel this good, but you really needed to go. From the sight and the smell you should drink more water and less coffee, or is it more coffee? Whatever the case the kettle now contains 330ml of piss you wizard of piss.

*click*, it merrily begins heating.

Meanwhile, the can. You daren't open this massive bulge of what is probably tuna. Into the microwave it goes, bombs away.

But how does this help your discussion with the CTOs? That deadline is creeping and you're not paid 6.5 figgs to bum around with a pisskettle.

Now what?

>

Bloody
Mar 3, 2013



leave early

mediaphage
Mar 22, 2007

Excuse me, pardon me, sheer perfection coming through


Boiled Water posted:

That deadline is creeping and you're not paid 6.5 figgs to bum around with a pisskettle.

wrong

anyway send out an email in five minutes complaining about someone heating fish in the microwave to proactively lay the blame elsewhere, preferably by implicating your office rival

Captain Foo
May 11, 2004

we vibin'
we slidin'
we breathin'
we dyin'


>return to desk, but detour to the office manager’s desk and take a piece of candy from the bowl she always has

>if she’s there, obliquely mention a possible issue in the kitchen

kitten emergency
Jan 13, 2008

get meow dis wack-ass
crystal prison











> start a petition to have your salaries paid in bitcoin

The Management
Jan 2, 2010

sup, bitch?


this isn’t even fixing the hunger problem.

eat the tuna sandwich. go back to your desk and write a CYA email that unless we can get more budget this project will not be on schedule. after that slack off for the rest of the day.

Bloody
Mar 3, 2013



sit down at your desk, open up a new tab in your favorite web browser (microsoft edge, ofc), type in "yospos", and select the first result

Boiled Water
Apr 5, 2006

YOU ARE A BRAIN
IN A BUNKER


You grab the sandwich definitely containing tuna and head back to the desk, best not loiter at the scene of the crime. Even if you wanted to get caught, still better to not be near what is now an improvised explosive device. On your way back to your desk arrangement you bump into Jeff the junior marketing manager (previously junior marketing intern). Jeff attempts to capture you into a conversation about some kid in Iceland who picks up trash on the beach and he collects 250 filled trash bags each year and ...





"(...) and you know, I think the kid had it coming. Even garbage is someones private property". Jeff is finally finished. How much time passed? The sandwich is lukewarm now, also definitely tuna.

Do you:

a) Continue speaking with Jeff in an attempt to figure out why a person earning 22k and living in a live-share tenement would be a libertarian
1) Leave Jeff mid sentence leaving behind only disdain where you now stand
c) comedy option

>

Bloody
Mar 3, 2013



c

tiaz
Jul 1, 2004

PICK UP THAT PRESENT.


show him the sandwich and ask if it's his. if he says yes, eat it in front of him.

Powerful Two-Hander
Mar 9, 2004

Mods please change my name to "Tooter Skeleton" TIA.



edit changing to the above but also say that "all property is theft"

bob dobbs is dead
Oct 8, 2017

hes dead


Nap Ghost

Achmed Jones
Oct 16, 2004





> c

Boiled Water
Apr 5, 2006

YOU ARE A BRAIN
IN A BUNKER






please supply at least a little bit of comedy. Your time starts now.

The Management
Jan 2, 2010

sup, bitch?


goddamn it Jeff, I gotta cover my rear end in email so that there’s a paper trail when this project tanks and they’re handing out the blame.

tell Jeff I don’t believe in personal property and start talking about the GNU project to scare him, all with a mouthful of sandwich

hbag
Feb 13, 2021

YOU ARE A FLESH AUTOMATON ANIMATED BY NEUROTRANSMITTERS




channel max stirner and tell jeff that he is in fact my personal property

Captain Foo
May 11, 2004

we vibin'
we slidin'
we breathin'
we dyin'


c) invent a meeting with his boss you’re supposed to be in right now

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Boiled Water
Apr 5, 2006

YOU ARE A BRAIN
IN A BUNKER


"Goddamn it Jeff" you mumble while fiddling with the sandwich wrapper. Who wrapped this thing its so tight. The wrapper says "Jennifer" but surely she couldn't

wait

wait now just a minute

Are you, a software engineer of good standing and excellent skills, a misogynist?


...


...


...


No, this is not the time for introspection, this is the time for action! You bite through the plastic wrapper for that sweet sweet tuna sandwich. With a mouthful of sandwich and saran wrap you tell Jeff how personal property is all bunk: "you bhkwh whbat gff? gulp prbpersoabn prpasodbntyh bifs soahd sdfake". You leave Jeff with a bewildered look and bits of saran wrap and tuna on his face and continue your pace towards the engineering cluster. When you sit back down at your desk you notice the new hire, some contractor of no renown, has left his laptop wide open and it's right there next to you with Outlook wide open.

Do you:
a) Send an email to the entire office from the contractors laptop promising donuts and beer on Friday for everyone, possibly impacting the young persons career, or
1) Forge ahead with shirking work, responsibility or both?

>

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