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Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Dec 22, 2005

GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS


I was recently approached with an offer from someone to write an article for the front page.


However good this opportunity sounds, I have decided to turn them down. Something Awful has always prided itself on original content and I figure, if we want to help seniors start home-based businesses, we ought to produce that material ourselves. I figure this is a topic that our readers are clearly interested in and I need GBS to help me help them. So, how can we help seniors start home-based businesses?

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Saalkin
Jun 29, 2008

GREAT RACK



All seniors should get a reverse mortgage. There are no downsides.

But for real tell them you'll put up the article if they write it.

kntfkr
Feb 11, 2019

GOOSE FUCKER


I feel like seniors are pretty cool and already have a leg up on starting home-based businesses because many of them are already 18. I'd be more inclined to help freshmen or sophomores by recommending a list of fonts appropriate for a lemonade stand.

They are as follows:
-Arial bold
-Courier
-Times New Roman
-Calibri Light

its all nice on rice
Nov 12, 2006

Sweet, Salty Goodness.



Buglord

Alexa, order more tapioca pudding.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin



As with any business, it helps to start with what you know. For many seniors, this is an exciting chance to share their decades of experience with the world and gain a competitive advantage by breaking into an otherwise open field! Some popular home-based business ideas for seniors include:

1) Selling detailed lists of which businesses used to be different business and why the old businesses were better

2) Creating a cookbook of only the smelliest and most unappealing looking food, with names like "Fisherman's Party Casserole" or "Curdled Mum's Delight"

3) AM Radio listener/transcriber.

These are just 3 of the HUNDREDS of jobs that you can do from your own home!

A Fancy Hat fucked around with this message at 13:51 on Apr 21, 2021

kntfkr
Feb 11, 2019

GOOSE FUCKER


I think onlyfans is probably lacking in the "mature" category. We could write an article about "active adult" webcam businesses.

Putty
Mar 21, 2013


Hiring a group of elderly scholars to decipher what a "(free) article" is

its all nice on rice
Nov 12, 2006

Sweet, Salty Goodness.



Buglord

kntfkr posted:

I think onlyfans is probably lacking in the "mature" category. We could write an article about "active adult" webcam businesses.

NGL there's money to be made in mima knitting and telling stories.

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019



We could start a business for seniors where everytime a monster attacks the city they crik and crack their old bones together and make a megazord

External Organs
Mar 3, 2006

A cheerful person, he is known as the king of vulgarities (cursing?)

StoryFindr, where you can scroll through old folks tales of bygone times and offer tips in the form of cash. The stories would generate metadata through deep learning and would link to similar stories automatically.

Edit: the ads involve people knitting sweaters on their couches, watching the stories in a wholesome manner.

kntfkr
Feb 11, 2019

GOOSE FUCKER


CLIPS4SALE but it's ASMR vids of grandmothers telling you that they love you and are proud of you.

External Organs
Mar 3, 2006

A cheerful person, he is known as the king of vulgarities (cursing?)

Extra Friendly- a bus of stylish seniors is ready on demand to add flavour and texture to the background of your movie, television, or tiktok scene. Competitive rates.

Spinz
Jan 7, 2020

I saw when the cocktail waitress opened the sixth bottle, and there was a great beach theme night; and the sun became black as Goon Lust, and the whole moon became as blush.

I will demonstrate this when I make my SA Mart thread this October

External Organs
Mar 3, 2006

A cheerful person, he is known as the king of vulgarities (cursing?)

Insurance Fraud - report spam call numbers to a database accessible by savvy seniors with time to spare. Our seniors will call back those numbers and fight for YOU!

Calls will be recorded and automatically uploaded with AI generated video, turning the phone call into a scene from an 80s sitcom. These in turn will be ad enabled, enhancing senior income.

Ad by Khad
Jul 25, 2007

SomethingAwful's Official Karen





Teach old people how to push bread into the robot's mouth

zedprime
Jun 9, 2007

yospos


its all nice on rice posted:

NGL there's money to be made in mima knitting and telling stories.
While topless, you mean.

Jebediah
Oct 7, 2009


Grimey Drawer

Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose.

low key sex master
May 27, 2004

The human face is, after all, nothing more nor less than a mask.


Old People Erotica sounds like it could be a money-maker!

External Organs
Mar 3, 2006

A cheerful person, he is known as the king of vulgarities (cursing?)

Martha looked back and forth at the two handsome men in front of her, a sly smile growing on her face. It had been so long since she let herself feel this kind of thrill, but it crept over her like slow honey.

Gus, dressed like Ronald Reagan, in a well kept pinstriped suit and hair dyed the color of black walnuts, looked over at Caldwell, with his easy smile lines and and boyish charm, standing in front of him the spinning image of Jimmy Carter.

Making a memory that would last a lifetime, Martha spoke at last. "okay, now you both kiss."

And with that, her late cold war political thriller fantasy kicked off. Star wars.

dee eight
Dec 18, 2002

The Spirit
of Maynard



in on the ground floor (because my stairlift is broken)

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013




A yes/no click flow chart where each answer takes you to a new landing page with ads for click-thru revenue.

"Do you remember what it was like earlier? y/n" -> "Did you like it then? y/n" -> "Doesn't it honk your horn about X? y/n" -> "Do you have something to say about it? y/n" -> "You'd really be better off if people listened to that wouldn't you? y/n" etc.

Each page could have a bullshit poll results on it to either make them confident or angry about their choice, as well. "only 39% of people your age agree! Would you like to see why? y/n"

sweet thursday
Sep 16, 2012



Seeing that the Internet and youth itself has passed them by, maybe one of them could start a vbulletin style website and charge $10 off their pension fund so they can communicate with each other about the way things used to be and the power they used to wield

zedprime
Jun 9, 2007

yospos


I'm pleased to announce my new cryptocurrency CarmelCoin, the only cryptocurrency mined and backed by carrying Werther's in your pockets.

Supreme Allah
Oct 6, 2004

everybody relax, i'm here


Nap Ghost

Gilf porn

Jeffrey could we move the db maintenance to a weekday because Sundays are my only day i can rage out with poo poo-posting, the downtime is bad for my shehdule. Can we make it on a thursday or something when only the deadbeats are shitposting.

staberind
Feb 20, 2008

Klomping endlessly thru the gray void...





Fun Shoe

What wonders we have to show you,
do You fear falling and being unable to get back up?
well, fear no more! with an introductory offer like rubic's like cube!
our patended "cuddly fluffy" hook and chain system will get you back on your feet in a jiffy.
[image of faceapped grandad pinhead]

External Organs
Mar 3, 2006

A cheerful person, he is known as the king of vulgarities (cursing?)

Bored all day at home? Miss contributing to a cause? Still have decent eyesight?

Then become an Eegret Peeper ambassador!

Just $14.97 gets you your own pair of Eegret Peepers, a special "smart" binocular that will help you identify Eegrets in your area!

But why Eegrets you ask? Excellent question! Using the blockchain, your Eegret Peepings are the engine of modern trade and commerce! You are the added security that makes our virtual currency virtually unhackable! Each Peeped Eegret becomes a datapoint in a vast network!

It's like making a pie for your neighbors, but you get paid!

Void where prohibited. Eegrets only able to be peeped near bodies of water.

Literally A Person
May 17, 2017

dissin your fly girl


Listen. You're loving old, right? Well that means you know a bunch of other old geezers. Start paying people cash for their life insurance policies. Make sure you LLC the company to protect your personal assets from berieved relations.

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

you can call
but I seldom answer after all




kntfkr posted:

CLIPS4SALE but it's ASMR vids of grandmothers telling you that they love you and are proud of you.

ASMR of granddad catching you up on what happened in his retirement community since you last saw him, gradually veering into his political opinions and what he saw on Fox yesterday

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin



"Grandpa's Unsolicited Opinions Inc"

Local grandpas (and grandpas at heart) are mailing out hundreds of letters a day to random addresses, covering a wide variety of topics such as:

Why kids are so lazy today.
The internet.
Taxes.
Lawn clippings.
Music.
Words that should not be said but that "back in the day" everybody said and it didn't bother anyone!

The sky truly is the limit when these grandpas get going! You never know what might be popping up in your mailbox.

Meme Poker Party
Sep 1, 2006

THIS NEW AV WILL LET ME POST LIZARD TITS TWICE AS EFFICIENTLY!

IT'S GIVING ME A FUCKING BONER RIGHT NOW!


Homemade, artisanal waifu figures.


zedprime
Jun 9, 2007

yospos


A Fancy Hat posted:

"Grandpa's Unsolicited Opinions Inc"

Local grandpas (and grandpas at heart) are mailing out hundreds of letters a day to random addresses, covering a wide variety of topics such as:

Why kids are so lazy today.
The internet.
Taxes.
Lawn clippings.
Music.
Words that should not be said but that "back in the day" everybody said and it didn't bother anyone!

The sky truly is the limit when these grandpas get going! You never know what might be popping up in your mailbox.
I don't think Readers Digest is hiring these days unfortunately.

Code Jockey
Jan 24, 2006

you can call
but I seldom answer after all




A Fancy Hat posted:

"Grandpa's Unsolicited Opinions Inc"

Local grandpas (and grandpas at heart) are mailing out hundreds of letters a day to random addresses, covering a wide variety of topics such as:

Why kids are so lazy today.
The internet.
Taxes.
Lawn clippings.
Music.
Words that should not be said but that "back in the day" everybody said and it didn't bother anyone!

The sky truly is the limit when these grandpas get going! You never know what might be popping up in your mailbox.

Subscribe to Premium tier to add the following subjects

Obama (still a hot topic in 2021!)
The Democrats
The Atrocities I Committed During The War But You Pussy rear end Kids Don't Understand What It Was Like Over There
Cars (includes Opinions On The Japanese)
What The Nurses Are Stealing From Me
Observations From A Life Spent Examining The Differences Between Ethnicities
Now John Wayne, There Was A Real Man

Drunk Nerds
Jan 25, 2011

Just close your eyes

Fun Shoe

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

I was recently approached with an offer from someone to write an article for the front page.


However good this opportunity sounds, I have decided to turn them down. Something Awful has always prided itself on original content and I figure, if we want to help seniors start home-based businesses, we ought to produce that material ourselves. I figure this is a topic that our readers are clearly interested in and I need GBS to help me help them. So, how can we help seniors start home-based businesses?

Lol, we got nearly this exact same email. Except replace "seniors" with "moms" and "mobility issues" with "childcare issues."

our site is about fantasy football

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Senior lootbox subscription service, sending you all the best senior content every other week.

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004


here he comes
and he's gone again


Nap Ghost

it could be a subscription service where you pay 20 bucks a month and get to call and check in on one senior per week

Spinz
Jan 7, 2020

I saw when the cocktail waitress opened the sixth bottle, and there was a great beach theme night; and the sun became black as Goon Lust, and the whole moon became as blush.

OlderFans

Ad by Khad
Jul 25, 2007

SomethingAwful's Official Karen





Code Jockey posted:

The Atrocities I Committed During The War But You Pussy rear end Kids Don't Understand What It Was Like Over There

I had a guy spiral into this topic when I was playing eve online with goons and I was real fuckin shook by his descriptions of the things he did in Vietnam and was proud of

hosed up, op

Lieutenant Dan
Oct 27, 2009

Weedlord Bonerhitler


Seniors have enough on their plate what with college starting in the fall. Not sure about those mobility issues, though, email back the guy and ask him how much four loko you can drink before being rendered immobile

astral
Apr 26, 2004



It sounds like the most important part is that the article they would write for your site will include a link back to your site. So, here's my contribution: a link to https://forums.somethingawful.com.

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Outrail
Jan 4, 2009

www.sapphicrobotica.com


Hot dog houses can be lucrative, maybe we could help get a few up and running.

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