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Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON









You are a COMMON snapping turtle by the name of Dr. Snappers. You are 27 years old and quite large. You live in a small pond just north of Vicksburg, Mississippi. You have sired many progeny over the years, but you are the only turtle in your pond. Your nextdoor neighbors are Squibbles Muskrat, and Hammerita Woodpecker. One day as your are sunning yourself on a road that runs by the pond, Mrs. Beaks the Heron drops your copy of The Riparian Times in front of you. You don your tiny reading spectacles and open the paper.

INTERNATIONAL CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE TO BE HELD IN VANCOUVER

SEA TURTLES GATHERING ON GULF COAST TO LAY EGGS

FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH OF CHRIST TO HOLD ANNUAL TURTLE SOUP DINNER AND CHARITY DRIVE

You hear the crunch of dry weeds and see a couple of good 'ol boys with fishing rods approaching the pond. You peer at them over your glasses.

>_



Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 21:53 on May 1, 2021

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super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009



Wait until they get in range and then snap.

Luvcow
Jul 1, 2007




super sweet best pal posted:

Wait until they get in range and then snap.

pull them into the pond if possible

Aardvark!
Mar 3, 2002



what is our doctorate in?

free hubcaps
Oct 12, 2009



are we an alligator snapping turtle or a common snapping turtle tho

super sweet best pal posted:

Wait until they get in range and then snap.

cuz its gonna make a big difference in snapping range

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







Aardvark! posted:

what is our doctorate in?

whatever you want. or maybe you just call yourself that.......it is up to you.....

mexican willie
Mar 17, 2007



>check inventory

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







free hubcaps posted:

are we an alligator snapping turtle or a common snapping turtle tho


cuz its gonna make a big difference in snapping range

good catch. common. i amended the op

Inventory: reading glasses, newspaper

Aardvark!
Mar 3, 2002



wait these are good ol boys right

>Impersonate Mitch mcconnell

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

I'd like to snap someone's dick off

Gin
Aug 29, 2004
and Tonic

I politely clear my throat and ask the good ol boys for a cold one. In exchange I relay to them the location of that catfish bitch Helen, hiding there under the log.

William Henry Hairytaint
Oct 29, 2011



ask the good old boys for a ride to the church, this turtle soup charity drive cannot be allowed to continue

Luvcow
Jul 1, 2007




Aardvark! posted:

wait these are good ol boys right

>Impersonate Mitch mcconnell

Dignity Van Houten
Jul 28, 2006

abcdefghijk
ELLAMENNO-P


Colonel Cancer posted:

I'd like to snap someone's dick off

Was thinking this before I even read the OP

Joust
Dec 7, 2007

No Ledges.


Drink all the pond water.

mexican willie
Mar 17, 2007



>use reading glasses on newspaper

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







You slowly set aside your paper and slide into the water with hardly a ripple. As you skim along the bottom muck, you see a chunk of chicken on the end of a fishing line. You grab the line and tug once, twice, three times, then let go. A pair of bare feet appears before you, wading cautiously into the pond. You keep fiddling with the line, enticing the man further and further in, until he is up to his chest in the water. Then you strike, darting forward and snapping at his crotch. Your powerful beak-jaws tear through his flimsy swimsuit and sever his dick. He shrieks in agony and falls fully into the pond, at which point you bite his carotid artery. The pond billows with red clouds as he dies.

You slowly rise to the surface and extend your neck, shaking your jowls and staring at the other man, who stands in shock on the bank.

"This pond....does not negotiate with terrorists....nor will it cow-tow to those who would bully us on the world stage," you solemnly declare.

"Holy poo poo, you can talk?!" the man says.

"If you agree to take me to First Baptist Church of Christ in Vicksburg, I'll tell you where that bitch catfish Helen is," you reply. The man lights a cigarette with a shaking hand and nods.

A few minutes later, he carries the fish, and you, back to his truck, and drives into Vicksburg. At the church, the preacher is in the middle of a sermon as you and the man enter.

Inventory: spectacles

>_

William Henry Hairytaint
Oct 29, 2011



It's amazing how many goon CYOA's involve a terrified person reluctantly doing what we tell them to do.

mexican willie
Mar 17, 2007



>equip spectacles

mexican willie
Mar 17, 2007



>use spectacles on preacher

Zeluth
May 12, 2001



>look down

Hey, stop looking for me at your local creek. I hope you get bit by a water moccasin.

mexican willie
Mar 17, 2007



>slumber in pond.

Geemer
Nov 4, 2010




>poo poo all over the big kettle of soup.

Pinche Rudo
Feb 8, 2005



>sneak into the pulpit and bite the preacher's dick off

AHH F/UGH
May 25, 2002



> Bite any man's dick off

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013




AHH F/UGH posted:

> Bite every man's dick off

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







With your spectacles you observe the preacher, who is giving a riled up fire and brimstone sermon. The fisher man carries you up to the pulpit and places you on the floor, then hurries out of the church. The preacher picks you up. "The Lord has delivered us our first meal of the evening! For the benefit of those starving orphans in Darfur of course. And not my alimony. I done sinned. We all done sinned!"

As he holds you at waist level, you bite his cock off. The preacher screams, drops you, and stumbles out the door. You crawl up onto the pulpit and adjust the microphone in front of a stunned congregation.

"My brothers and sisters," you call out, "YAAAALLLL have sinned. Yes, for are we not all fallen?" A hush falls over the church. "For too long have you put my kin under the knife! For too long have you nursed at the tits of hypocrisy and licentious epicurean lust! Praise Jesus."

"Praise Jesus," the congregation echoes.

"Would that this day had never come BUT---- it has arrived. The day of Judgement has indeed arrived praise Jesus."

"Praise Jesus."

"Brothers and sisters, gather round. Gather round here at the podium and kneel, that I might lay claws upon you and intercede on your behalf with the Lord and ask for His forgiveness praise Jesus."

The congregation eagerly assembles at the steps of the sanctuary and kneels down. You clamber down from the pulpit, and bite the dick off the first man in line. "You have been graced by the blessing of corporeal pain and suffering!" you shout over the man's screams, and proceed to castrate all the men in the church, one by one. The congregation starts to wail and speak in tongues.

"Someone carry me down to the rec hall and show me the turtle stew." A small child obliges. "Now hold me over the pot so I can poo poo in it." You look down and do so. The soup is ruined.

The child deposits you outside the church. You find your way to a golf course water trap and take a nap.

>_



Dignity Van Houten
Jul 28, 2006

abcdefghijk
ELLAMENNO-P


>Find an unattended golf cart, crawl into it, and mash the accelerator

DeadFatDuckFat
Oct 29, 2012

This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.


I think this CYOA needs an ongoing Dicks Snapped count

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004


here he comes
and he's gone again


Nap Ghost

> eat a dandelion leaf

Nooner
Mar 26, 2007
Probation
Can't post for 4 hours!


tuertles are cool I have 2 pet turtles they are red ear sliders though not snapping turtles but i think they might still bite you if you annoyed them, one of them might anyway the other is pretty chill but one is kinda scary and she hisses at you if you take her out of the water but its like sorry buddy gotta clean your tank

Chief McHeath
Apr 23, 2002



>he bite he own dick

PinheadSlim
Apr 2, 2015

FRIENDS for EVER

Dignity Van Houten posted:

>Find an unattended golf cart, crawl into it, and mash the accelerator

This, but use the golf cart to find some rich old white golfers and give their dicks a good severing

Universe Master
Jun 20, 2005

Darn Fine Pie



...and so I started snapping...

William Henry Hairytaint
Oct 29, 2011



Sit directly above a hole and bite the dick of anyone who tries to move you so they can play

Smugworth
Apr 18, 2003

Well, I've got brain damage on the side of my brain, and I don't know which side, left or right, where I huffed gasoline for ten long years.




> bite sum nutz

Pinche Rudo
Feb 8, 2005



> head to the glory hole in the country club's men's showers to find the next victim

PokeJoe
Aug 24, 2004

hail cgatan




collect errant balls from the water trap and use them to lure unsuspecting golfers over to bite their dicks off

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







After your nap, you awake in the morning to find some wealthy looking dudes and ladies playing a round on the course.



Using your Mitch McConnell impersonation, you lure them closer to the pond. "We've never...never uh used the full might of riparian power to....fully enact American policy in our wetlands. And as much as I, along with, I'm sure....all turtles, want to avoid armed conflict, we must be ready and able if.....if uh that becomes necessary."

You attempt to bite your own dick, but that is impeded by the dimensions of your shell.

Several old dudes approach the pond. "Hey, I've got a poo poo ton of lost golf balls in here," you say.
The men gingerly step into the pond, at which point you bite the balls off four of them. Three escape, screaming. One particularly old man falls on his rear end in terror. You demand that he put you in his golf cart, which he does. You punch the accelerator and drive to the club house, where you clamber into the bathroom to take a gentlemanly piss. Doing so, you notice a glory hole in the stall wall, with a dick sticking through it. This of course you snap off. The shrieks of agony recede into the morning fog. A groundskeeper is summoned with a net and lasso. You hide behind a toilet.

Inventory: spectacles, three golf balls, golf cart

>_



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Zeluth
May 12, 2001



<< open up my satchel

,,Grab a ball""

S awiiiing batter!

> This harebrained scheme may work.

Zeluth fucked around with this message at 05:47 on May 2, 2021

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