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super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009



Go back and consume the soup to gain the power of our slain brethren and gain our poo poo back.

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PinheadSlim
Apr 2, 2015

FRIENDS for EVER

>Wait for groundskeeper to let his guard down

>Sneak up behind groundskeeper and sever one of his achilles tendon with our bite so he falls down

>Grab his now floor level dick with our mighty jaws and tell him we won't remove his dick if he puts us in his car with the keys in the ignition

>Remove his dick whether he does what we say or not

Pinche Rudo
Feb 8, 2005



PinheadSlim posted:

>Wait for groundskeeper to let his guard down

>Sneak up behind groundskeeper and sever one of his achilles tendon with our bite so he falls down

>Grab his now floor level dick with our mighty jaws and tell him we won't remove his dick if he puts us in his car with the keys in the ignition

>Remove his dick whether he does what we say or not

This plus
>Have the groundskeeper drive us to the gulf coast so we can build a turtle army

Derpies
Mar 10, 2014

BORN TO AWOO
WORLD IS A TUG
Squatch Em All 1989
I am trash poster
42,069 DEAD WOLFGIRLS




>tug

BigBadSteve
Apr 29, 2009

Self Defense
Nil Satanus carborundum

Yeshua akbar!
(Xtian anarchisto, no bombo)


Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







You grab one of your golf balls in your claw and shout "Swing batter batttteerrrrr" and hurl it at the groundskeeper, braining him right in the dome, knocking him out. You jerk off in triumph. When the groundskeeper comes around, he groggily introduces himself as Joe John. Some of his assistants run over, but you bite them in the heels; they fall into the pond and either drown or are killed by gators.

"Joe John," you say, " I'm Doc Snappers. Do what I tell you to and I wont cripple you for life."

"Praise Jesus," he says, "I see that you are sent by the Almighty. I will help you however I can."

"Take me to the Gulf Coast pronto," you say. "You have a truck, load my golf cart in the back of it, bitch."

Joe John follows your commands as you crawl into the passenger seat. The two of you set out to



Hollywood Resort and Gulf Coast.

On the way down State Route 603, you come across a dump truck astride both lanes, in the middle of the night.

Inventory: spectacles, golf cart, two golf balls

>_



Geemer
Nov 4, 2010




>Commandeer the dump truck. You'll need it to transport your army.

jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

Screw you OP, ain't nobody gonna change my avatar.



Go to the nearest zoo and release the honey badgers and chimpanzees, assemble a genital destroying posse.

BigBadSteve
Apr 29, 2009

Self Defense
Nil Satanus carborundum

Yeshua akbar!
(Xtian anarchisto, no bombo)


>jump into dump truck window
>bite off driver's dick

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

All this dick snapping is too lonesome. We must find a proper mate/accomplice in dick snapping turtling.

DeadFatDuckFat
Oct 29, 2012

This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.


Ghost ride the dump truck with Joe John

Dignity Van Houten
Jul 28, 2006

abcdefghijk
ELLAMENNO-P


>Ditch the golf cart. The dump truck will get you to your final destination faster...

Dignity Van Houten fucked around with this message at 13:55 on May 2, 2021

BigBadSteve
Apr 29, 2009

Self Defense
Nil Satanus carborundum

Yeshua akbar!
(Xtian anarchisto, no bombo)


Colonel Cancer posted:

All this dick snapping is too lonesome. We must find a proper mate/accomplice in dick snapping turtling.

Then one turtle could bite off the dick while the other bites off the balls.

By popular demand
Jul 17, 2007

IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!




Dignity Van Houten posted:

>Ditch the golf cart. The dump truck will get you to your final destination faster...



Oh poo poo, start biting at Jacksonville and sever the entire Florida dick off!

Zeluth
May 12, 2001



> This rotting vegetation smell is wonderful. So many sights to see.
> Why am I commanding myself in the third person?

Pinche Rudo
Feb 8, 2005



Dignity Van Houten posted:

>Ditch the golf cart. The dump truck will get you to your final destination faster...



We need to build our army before we're ready for that.

>Use Joe John to distract the dump truck driver, go for the dick/carotid snapping combo and take the truck!

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







Joe John turns on the high beams. You use your glasses to look at the cab of the dump truck. There appears to be no-one inside. You and Joe John get out and investigate. As the dump truck seems abandoned, you tell Joe John to ditch his pickup along with the cart and commandeer the dump truck. At this moment, several flashlights light up in the woods on both sides of the road, and a group of swamp-folk emerge, shouting, holding AR-15s and pistols. Joe John puts his hands up.

[this is a slight intermission, I won't ignore the other commands]

>_



PokeJoe
Aug 24, 2004

hail cgatan




you've dealt with good ol boys before. hide in wait and give em the ol Lorena Bobbitt

Skeleton Ape
Dec 21, 2008



You feel drowsy. Sun yourself in the road for a while and hold up traffic by virtue of being a turtle and also too big to run over. Hiss at any who approach

BigBadSteve
Apr 29, 2009

Self Defense
Nil Satanus carborundum

Yeshua akbar!
(Xtian anarchisto, no bombo)


>tug

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Some of y'all might be thinking, a turtle! Hmm there's good eatin' on one of those... But think again, how will you be eating with no dick? Are you feeling lucky today, punks???

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







As Joe John stands in the blaring headlights, and flashlight beams, you scuttle away into the woods. Then you start hooting and whistling.

"Squatch! We got Squatch!" the men shout. One of them gets into Joe John's truck and drives away, while the others try to spread out into the forest. One man approaches you, stumbling with his flashlight and rifle over the wet leaves. You wait until he gets close, then sever his Achilles tendon with your jaws. He falls and his screams are muffled with his face in the turf. You finish the job on his neck, then take his rifle.

Joe John is still standing with his hands up by the dump truck, trembling. The sounds of the good ol boys crashing through the underbrush echoes through the night. You tell Joe John to start the truck while you clamber inside. As he reaches in to turn the key, two men return to the road, yelling. You push your claw on the accelerator as Joe John reaches through the open door to work the gear shift with one hand and the clutch with the other. He runs alongside the truck as the two men chase and open fire in a scatter-shot fashion. After a few minutes, you evade them, as Joe John pulls himself into the cab. Naturally you jerk it at this point.

Your flight down 603 takes you past the resort and on to Henderson Point, Mississippi. It is nearing dawn. Joe John has to stop for diesel.



You take this brief respite to poo poo on the floor of the cab. When Joe John returns, you ask him, "You have one of those loving smart phones?"

"Yeah sure Doc of course I do. Everyone does."

"Then look up the nearest zoo."

After a minute he finds directions to the Mississippi Aquarium in Gulfport, only a while up the road.



"It has bottlenose dolphins, sharks, rays, penguins, otters, crocodiles and some other poo poo. It's closed right now, though."

Inventory: spectacles, AR-15, 30 rounds of ammo, dump truck

>_



DeeplyConcerned
Apr 29, 2008




Become overwhelmed with sadness at the plight of trans people in this state. Think ruefully of all the poor men trapped in women’s bodies and vice versa. As you contemplate this an idea forms. You change your mind about the zoo thingand set your mind to offer services as a professional dick snapper for the nearest gender reassignment surgeon.

Ventral EggSac
Dec 3, 2019



Free the crocs

Kirk Vikernes
Apr 26, 2004

Count Goatnackh

Gleefully gape your rear end in a top hat.

Demon Lord
Jun 8, 2003
ex nihil, ex omni, ad infinitum

The zoo is closed...
> Snap front gate lock

Pinche Rudo
Feb 8, 2005



>break into the zoo to free the animals into the gulf

>tell the freed animals to meet you in Florida.. .

Pinche Rudo fucked around with this message at 03:13 on May 3, 2021

DeadFatDuckFat
Oct 29, 2012

This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.


Indoctrinate the Aquarium

Nooner
Mar 26, 2007
Probation
Can't post for 4 hours!


Kirk Vikernes posted:

Gleefully gape your rear end in a top hat.

turtles can breath through their assholes so this is a good way for our hero to "catch his breath"

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







Joe John pulls the truck into the lot of Boozer's Brew @ Cafe. The two of you get some grub. Joe John scores some weed from a kid working there, and you blaze in the cab. As you come out of the initial haze you realize the museum, or aquarium whatever, is open now.

"Joe John, get the google sat view of that place up on your phone." He does, and you huddle up.

"drat, this is an old view, but I can see where the gate is. Let's wait until night and then infiltrate."

"Why do you even want to get it?" Joe John says while exhaling a toke, "You wanna live there?"

"I have my reasons."
---------------------------------------------------------

Around midnight, Joe John slowly drives up to the gate of the Mississippi Aquarium with the headlights off, where you get out and casually snap the lock, then wave for Joe John to drive through. "Hey Doc," he says, "there's bound to be security guards or something."

"Rent a cops. Look around for an office or something so we can figure out where the exhibits are."

There is a little welcome station that you break into by Joe John throwing you through the window. You find some pamphlets with a map of the complex, then clamber back out of the busted window. "Alright, here's the croc paddock. And here's a maintenance building. Go there first."

At the maintenance shed you break in and find a large tarp, ropes, and a water pump with hoses. "Here's what I want you to do, Joe, line the bed of the truck with this tarp and tie it down. I'll handle the pump."

"What the poo poo are we even doing?" says Joe John.

"Busting some animals out. Surely you know how to make a redneck swimming pool, dumbass."

You both proceed to the croc paddock, where you break in through the handlers' access door. As you swim through their pond you decide to gape your rear end in a top hat; the sensation of the cool water in your rear end is refreshing. When you find the crocs, you get the first word in.

"Do not try to eat me, or I will bite my way out of your guts in gruesome fashion. I'm breaking you out. The door is open, just walk out. Also kill any guards you come across. But if you see a dude with a baseball cap and plaid vest who looks like an idiot, leave him alone." You turn around and leave, with the crocs trailing you. They disperse into the park.
--------------------------------------------------
I am going to make this a two-parter

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







part 2
--------------------------

Back in the truck with Joe John, you look at the map. "The otter and dolphin areas are near each other. That way. Go."

As the truck trundles down the lane, a flashlight shines at you. A guard is waving his arms with a radio in his hand, shouting for Joe John to stop.

"Floor it and run him over before he uses the radio. Kill him."

Joe John looks at you with nervous astonishment. "I ain't a killer, Doc. I ain't doing time for murder."

"You won't. Trust me, killing is easy. I've killed two dudes in forty-eight hours, and I'm a loving turtle. Do it. If we get caught, I promise I'll kill you, you won't serve a day in prison."

Joe John slams the gas and swerves as the guard tries to dodge. The man goes under the tires with a dull thump. One of the crocs start ripping into the body.

The truck approaches the otter and dolphin areas. You hop out while Joe John gets the tarp ready. You break into the access areas for both exhibits, dragging the pump and hose. You pump water into the truck bed while chatting to the animals, who immediately comprehend the plan. The otters simply walk out, but you have to shoot the glass of the dolphin tank to let them out. They pour out with the gushing water onto the pavement.

"Help them into the truck bed," you tell Joe John. The otters are easy enough to lift, but he balks at the dolphins, who are flopping around.

"I can't lift a fuckin dolphin, Doc."

"Sure you can. Believe in yourself. Find some source of leverage and spirit within praise Jesus."
Joe John power lifts the four dolphins into the water-filled truck, crushing a vertebrae and tearing his ACL in the process. You hear sirens in the distance.
Joe John, in agony, starts the truck and turns it around, approaching the gate. A police squad car is pulling in to the lane.

Inventory: dump truck, spectacles, AR-15, 24 rounds of ammo, weed

>_



Space Kablooey
May 6, 2009





> get a better joe john

Geemer
Nov 4, 2010




>don't make good on your promise to kill Joe John. Make him a scapegoat.

DeadFatDuckFat
Oct 29, 2012

This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.


Have Joe John lie to the cops to lure them into the park where the crocs are

Zeluth
May 12, 2001



> weed time. It is now that I wish I had a lighter and maybe an apple to poke with my ar stub.

naem
May 29, 2011



> SEDUCE Joe John

Zippy the Bummer
Dec 14, 2008

pro hobo

Silent Majority
THE DON







You order Joe John to turn on the high beams, which blind the two cops as they get out of the car. Meanwhile you tumble out of the truck and scuttle underneath it, out of sight.

"This man took me hostage," you shout, "I had nothing to do with this. He said he'd kill me if I didn't go with him." As an aside you hiss at Joe John to shout that he has a gun and they are bitches.

The cops approach with pistols drawn and demand that Joe John get out of the truck. You see a couple of crocs nearby and motion to them to come near. They silently lizard walk to the truck. You scuttle out from under the truck and bite the ankle of one, causing him to stumble over. A croc grasps his head in its jaws as he tries to yell muffled screams. The other officer shoots the croc before being killed by two others.

You climb back into the truck. "Floor it, moron," you shout, and the truck smashes past the cop car and out onto East Beach Boulevard, turning east, with water sloshing out of the bed. Over the radio, you both hear news reports of shots fired and a break-in at the aquarium. Joe John speeds down the road to Camillia Street, where he turns north to Cajun RV Park and backs into a grove of trees with the lights off. Cop sirens wail in the distance, but no one has detected you.

Joe John rolls a blunt and lights it with the truck's cigarette lighter, puffs, and passes to you.

After a few minutes, you turn and say, "You know, JJ, I am a doctor. I could help you with your spine and knee, if you'd let me, Jesus be praised of course."

"How? Even if you are a real medical doc, which you ain't, you're probably a doctor of history or some poo poo, you're still a drat talking turtle."

"I know about...physical therapy," you say as you gently stroke his thigh. "I can help. You, me, we can become more powerful than you can imagine. If we work together."

"How?"

"Once the heat dies down, drive us to the beach and we'll dump these animals. I have a mind to use their help later. Then we'll put more miles between us and this swamp hole."



At that moment, you hear something pounding against the passenger-side door, hard enough to rock the truck slightly.

Inventory: dump truck, AR-15, 24 rounds of ammo, spectacles, weed

>_



Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 01:34 on May 4, 2021

DeeplyConcerned
Apr 29, 2008




Piss all over the truck cab

Pinche Rudo
Feb 8, 2005



>roll down the window and blow a bunch of smoke at whoever is tapping on the glass

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Jesustheastronaut!
Mar 9, 2014






Lipstick Apathy

>Torpor for a millennia

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