|
Jesustheastronaut! posted:>Torpor for a millennia i accept the challenge of incorporating this
|
#
?
May 4, 2021 19:09
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 16, 2024 23:32 |
|
|
>realize I a shameful turtle >extend neck to butt >fart in me own mouth
|
|
#
?
May 4, 2021 23:15
|
|
|
You look out the window and see a tall, hairy bipedal creature pressing its face against the pane. You hear a muffled, "Dude, bro, can you crack the window?" You do so and exhale a blast of smoke. "I'll be with you in a second." You then take a nice long piss all over the cab, reverse-fart the rest of the blunt into your rear end, then extend your neck to your butthole and turn your body into an organic bong as you fart it out again and breathe in. "Ok, what do you want?" "Hey man you know I was just walking around and I smelled your weed, and you know I was wondering if I could score some. If that's cool." Joe John opens his eyes halfway and stares. "Dude, Doc, Bigfoot is outside." "No, you idiot, its a skunk ape. Totally different. How much weed do we have left?" He fumbles around with the bag. "Couple blunts' worth maybe." You turn back to the creature. "You got money?" "Well, no, man, dangerous to be walking around a place like this with cash on you. You know? Freaks around here'll hold a piece to your head and make you suck a dick before they rob you. Happened to my cousin once." "Allow me to consult with my partner." You roll up the window. "Joe John, this dude might be useful. If we could get another gun and give it to the skunk-" "What exactly are we loving doing?" he bursts out. "Doc, this has been some crazy poo poo, but do you have like a loving plan or something?" "Sure. First we dump the dolphins and otters in the ocean, after telling them to meet us in Florida. Second, we go to loving Florida. Then I find a mate and mash uglies. After that I'm not sure." Joe John considers this while blazing. "Ok, sure, let's go. Always wanted to go to Florida. Some serious rear end down there." You open the door and tell the skunk ape to get the gently caress in. Joe John starts up the truck, and the three of you head to Veteran's Ave, where you turn south all the way to Life's a Beach Scooter Rental and drive directly onto the beach. You climb out the back window to address the beasts. "Listen fuckers, you owe me. Meet me at the shore at Palm Beach and I'll tell you what to do." Joe John manages to turn the truck around and back it up into the surf, then lifts the bed and dumps all the dolphins and otters into the water. They swim away. Unfortunately the dump truck is now stuck in the sand with the tide going out, leaving it mired in axle-deep muck. The three of you spot a few surfers to the east, and some people with flashlights approaching. Inventory: dump truck, spectacles, AR-15, 24 rounds, weed >_
|
|
#
?
May 5, 2021 00:18
|
|
|
>get our poo poo out and set the dump truck on fire as a distraction >steal one of the surfers cars. At least one of them left that poo poo unlocked with the key inside. Probably with more weed inside too.
|
|
#
?
May 5, 2021 00:24
|
|
|
Can you burn some weed to make a cloud that gets the people searching for you really really high? Then you can escape while they play in the ocean.
|
|
#
?
May 5, 2021 02:01
|
|
|
Joe John is sobering up. "poo poo, Doc, what do we do now?" "We need to acquire more weed, rapidly. Get out and gather the tarp and rope. Skunk Ape- what the hell is your name anyway?" "Man you wouldn't be able to pronounce it." "I'm a doctor, try me." "Hng'wi'thy'was'kf." "Yeah I'm not saying that poo poo," you say as you waggle your claws. "I'll use a nickname.....Shoggath." Shoggath shrugs. "Sure man, cool." "Here, hit this poo poo," as you roll the second to the last blunt. "Get under the truck and rip all the fuel lines and rip off the fuel tank." As this happens, Joe John in his damaged state manages to pull out the tarp and the ropes. You demand his cell phone and look up the prevailing winds. quote:GMZ532-050815- You rip up a huge portion of the upholstery and make it into a wick. You light one end on fire with the cigarette lighter and leave it strewn around the cab, then scramble out. The three of you hightail it across the beach as the truck erupts in flames. "Joe John, give Shoggath your shirt." "What? Why? It wouldn't even fit." "He'll look more human in the dark, and you'll look more normal." As he begrudgingly does this, the truck explodes with a tremendous shock wave, sending flaming diesel all over the beach and surf. Some of the surfers floating on their boards or hanging out by fire pits cheer and holler. Meanwhile, you look around, and spot a VW van parked near the dune. "Joe John, pick me up. Shoggath, pick him up. Carry us to that van." It proves to be unlocked, with the keys in the ignition. You rummage around in the back for a bit, and find what your scientific mind estimates to be 20 pounds of marijuana, as well as an old surfboard and several road flares. Joe John and Shoggath's eyes may as well have cartoon swirls. "Joe John, drive us past the truck and take a hard right back onto the road after Shoggath chucks some of this weed into the flames." Your trio escapes the beach with a massive weed cloud enveloping the sand and all present. You get back on Route 90 heading east. After a while, your party approaches Biloxi Bay Bridge. There appears to be a road block, or police checkpoint, just east of Myrtle Street. Inventory: spectacles, AR-15 with 24 rounds, old surfboard, 14 pounds of weed, vw van, large tarp, 50 feet of rope, 5 road flares >_
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 04:16 on May 5, 2021 |
|
#
?
May 5, 2021 04:12
|
|
|
>Goatse at the cop as you roll down the window.
|
|
#
?
May 5, 2021 05:25
|
|
|
>Try to suggest Joe John and Shoggath hook up, in a chill way - just float it out there. As they both gave in very quickly to a life of servitude and crime under a weed-motivated snapping turtle with Daddy spectacles, I think they have what it takes to be the beta seeds of a solid polycule. (Or a harem I guess, if you don't respect them enough to be equals.) Plus, you already have the van
|
|
#
?
May 5, 2021 05:29
|
|
|
> plant a pound of weed underneath the car in front of us and stick some in the tail pipe to get the pigs on their scent >If the cops stop us tell them you think the car behind us is Antifa
|
|
#
?
May 5, 2021 05:36
|
|
|
 Lets kill time until the roadblock ends by going to the arcade or going gambling at the Golden Nugget. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awcx-gTQDLM
|
|
#
?
May 5, 2021 15:38
|
|
|
>shoot cops with AR-15
|
|
#
?
May 5, 2021 18:45
|
|
|
Take the Betsy Ann Riverboat out to sea
|
|
#
?
May 5, 2021 20:20
|
|
|
As the traffic jam at the check point compacts, you take the time to make a plan. "Joe John, Shoggath, get in the back and start humping like rabbits." "I ain't fuckin a skunk ape-" "Shut up. Just do it. It doesn't have to be real, unless you want it to be. And give me that roll of tarp." The giant roll of tarp allows you to sit at the level of the driver's side window. You use the rifle to manipulate the pedals. As you slowly approach the check point, you put the van in park, grab a pound of weed, exit the van and shove the weed into the tail pipe of the Escalade in front of you, along with one of your road flares, which you ignite. The weed cloud and billowing smoke is lit up like a fireworks show by the red light of the flare, the headlights of the cars, and the lights of the cop vehicles. From underneath the Escalade, you fire several shots at the cop cars, some blowing out their tires and others just at random, and then you scuttle back to the van. Angry officers disperse amongst the traffic, shouting orders with weapons drawn. They mainly focus on the Escalade and drag the driver out of it. One cop knocks on your window. You roll it down, turn, and gape your rear end in a top hat at him. The van is gently shaking back and forth by the vigorous grinding being delivered by Shoggath to Joe John. The officer just stares, bewildered, and slowly starts laughing as he inhales the weed cloud. "Officer...Preston, is it?" you ask. "That is an excellent gun you have there. Might I have a closer look at it?" "Sure man, sure," he says as he hands you his pistol. "Cool, hey thanks. It's ok, I'm a doctor." You roll up the window. You use the rifle to drive the van in a U turn onto the shoulder, then transit onto Myrtle Street. You pull over in the parking lot of Golden Nugget Casino for a breather. "You can stop humping now," you shout into the back. "We have things to do. Holy poo poo, there is an actual Bubba-Gump Shrimp Co? What the poo poo, no way." Joe John throws open the side door and hobbles out. "This is horse poo poo! I'm not doing this poo poo anymore Imma chat up some cocktail chicks." "You aren't wearing a shirt, guy." But Joe John wanders off toward the casino. "Shoggath, keep an eye on him. I need to do some recon." "Hey man, I don't think they'll like seeing me...at all. I can't hide in there." "Just say you've been at a furry convention. You'll probably get some compliments." Shoggath trots off after Joe John. You exit the van with your rifle, some weed, rolling paper, and a lighter you found in the van. You can smell the water nearby and head towards it. There is a large riverboat docked at a pier. The sign says that it is open for tours, but the only person around is a lone rent-a-cop at the booth. You approach him. "I'm taking this boat. Throw your radio into the water and go away without a fuss, or I will kill you." The astonished and terrified man does as you say. Once on the boat, you don your spectacles, find your way to the helm, power up the engines and use the charts to find your way out into the bay. The radio has some chatter from the harbor master, which you ignore. After fifteen minutes or so, you arrive at Deer Island, just south of the harbor. Using your expert riparian skills, you gently beach the boat and climb off onto the beach for a look-around. There is a thick woodland. From it emerges an enormous stag with antlers six feet wide. He addresses you. "Who dares encroach on the realm of Staddigurn King?" Inventory (at the moment): AR-15, 12 round of ammo, 1 pound weed, rolling paper, lighter, spectacles >_
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 23:21 on May 5, 2021 |
|
#
?
May 5, 2021 23:06
|
|
|
>pretend to be a moose by gaping rear end in a top hat six feet
|
|
#
?
May 5, 2021 23:29
|
|
|
Ask him if he knows any hot turtle babes that you can hook up with
|
|
#
?
May 6, 2021 01:16
|
|
|
> Shoot the deer
|
|
#
?
May 6, 2021 01:56
|
|
|
What if the deer is Merlin in disguise? Or perhaps is convinced he's Merlin
|
|
#
?
May 6, 2021 02:01
|
|
|
Say it is I the weed turtle! Then roll a quarter pound of the weed in a single J using several of the paper stitched together. Give the Mooos the cherry on it as a sign of respect
|
|
#
?
May 6, 2021 02:06
|
|
|
Get the deers antlers for more prestige in the animal kingdom
|
|
#
?
May 6, 2021 03:51
|
|
|
>smoke the joint of peace with the moose >join forces for your Florida plan
|
|
#
?
May 6, 2021 04:51
|
|
|
>ask if they have never thought of expansion. Offer to ferry their warriors to shore so their conquest may begin. All you ask in return is a favor for when you get to Florida.
|
|
#
?
May 6, 2021 06:53
|
|
|
"I'm Doctor Snappers. Are there any turtles, or any other deer, on this island? Or humans?" Staddigurn gazes off into the horizon, his mighty antlers silhouetted again the moon. "For eons my people have dwelt here. Twelve thousand years ago, the humans arrived, with their arrows and spears, and there was strife between us. But then my forefathers made peace with the hairless ones. The storms came, and we could no longer go to our kin on the Great Land--" You shoot him in the haunch. "OW gently caress why did you do that you little rear end in a top hat?" "To get you to shut the gently caress up." "You're really not going to let me finish my lore?" "No need. Anyone with a knowledge of water can tell from google satellite view that this island is eroding and has been for some time. Of course it was part of the mainland once. I give it a couple hundred more years before the sea claims it, and you'll be hosed." You begin rolling a massive joint. "How many creatures do you have under your command?" "Fourteen deer, and some terns...seagulls...why? How do I know you're a doctor?" You turn around and gape your rear end at him. "HNNNNNNNGGGG mmmmmphhhh," you strain, stretching it to a diameter of six inches before you feel your anus starting to tear. "If I wasn't a doctor, would I be able to do this? Gastroenterology is one of my specialties, bitch." Staddigurn looks on in amazement. "Truly, I am impressed, small one. Yes, there are sea turtles that come to my beaches, but they have not come this year." You offer him the lit joint. "Hit this poo poo. I have a proposition for you." He accepts, and lies down. You have to help him share it back and forth. Dawn is breaking on the eastern horizon by the time the two of you are finished haggling, blazed as all hell. ------------------------------------------ Around 6AM, Staddigurn and his fourteen deer trot aboard the riverboat, while terns and gulls perch on the roof and deck rails. You set off for Bellefontaine Point to the east. While the boat putters along the shallow coast, passing fishing boats and kayakers, Staddigurn enters the bridge. "I have reconsidered. The gulls inform me that there are many evil and dangerous things in this realm of Florida. Florida Men, they say, and alligators, panthers, and huge snakes. I want my people to be safe." You speak around the blunt in your mouth as you gently guide the boat. "Florida is a pit stop, like we talked about. When we're done there, I'll take you wherever you want to go. Unless we die, of course. Do you believe in an afterlife?" ------------------------------------------ [You are now in command of the character Joe John] You are dimly aware of the phone buzzing in your pocket as you sit drunk and the bar at the Golden Nugget Casino. You are broke; you blew the last of your money at roulette. You knee is beginning to throb again as your high wears off, and the booze won't touch it. Through half open eyes you watch a few women chatting up Shoggath, telling him how his costume and make-up looks so authentic. Suddenly, five police walk in, and over the casino's loudspeaker a voice asks for the owner of the VW van in the parking lot to present themselves at the front desk. Inventory: phone, vw van (and in the van, 9mm glock with 17 rounds, old surfboard, 12 pounds of weed, large tarp, 50 feet of rope, 4 road flares) >_
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 01:01 on May 7, 2021 |
|
#
?
May 7, 2021 00:58
|
|
|
Lmao
|
|
#
?
May 7, 2021 01:07
|
|
|
>think "It couldn't be a trap, the cops wouldn't assume I was that dumb" >goto front desk >say "The VW van is mine"
|
|
#
?
May 7, 2021 03:23
|
|
|
>Shout "Oh my god it's Brett Favre and his dick is out!" to cause chaos >Spray hot liquid diarrhea at the cops if they follow you >Head out the back door through the kitchen and steal a delivery truck from the loading dock
|
|
#
?
May 7, 2021 03:56
|
|
|
>get your name changed to John Joe, claim its always been that way around just to gently caress with people
|
|
#
?
May 7, 2021 07:09
|
|
|
You go to the front desk. "Vansh mine. Give it to me." The clerk motions for the officers to come over. As they approach, you try to text Shoggath, before remembering that the skunk ape does not have a phone. The police approach and question you. "Sir, you claim to be in possession of that Volkswagen caravan?" "Yup, yeah. Its on loan to me from a turtle. He's a doctor. Its ok. He'll be back any minute and he'll tell you." "Sir, are you on any drugs right now?" "Oh gently caress you, my weed ran out like an hour ago jackass. I'm just kinda drunk--" "Sir, I'm going to need you to put your hands behind your back, I'm arresting you for public intoxication and suspicion of stealing a vehicle--" You look around and spot the skunk ape. "Shoggath! Run for it! Run to the van!" You roll over the front desk and hobble through the nearest door, explosively making GBS threads yourself in the process. You clumsily pull your pants and underwear off and leave them in a pool of runny poo poo in the hallway. After a moment, you burst into the kitchen, filled with astonished staff at the sudden appearance of a fully naked man with feces trickling down his legs. You stop and think for a second. "Brett Farve is in the lobby and he's showing his dick to everyone! Get the cops!" The cooks and waitstaff run out in all directions. You stumble out of the back door into the outside garbage area, where you see a delivery truck by a loading dock. A man is helping another load a pallet onto a fork-lift. You crawl on your hands and knees over to them. "poo poo, dude, check this out," the driver says to the forklift operator, "this dude is clearly high as poo poo. See if you can scare up a security guard." As the forklift driver starts to walk away, you scramble at him and grab his ankle. "Lissen fucker. I'm on poo poo you've never heard of. Makes PCP look like bitch drugs. Run away or I will eat your face." The man flees into nearby underbrush. You look around and see that the truck driver has already fled. There are shouting noises from the building. You clamber into the truck, start it up, and toodle around to a dark part of the parking lot, where Shoggath is waiting in the van. "Hey man," Shoggath says, "I got that gun from the van and fired off a few shots on accident. The fuzz are running around like ants over there." He points to the far side of the casino. "What happened to your pants, dude?" "Help me lower ramps on the back. Then drive the van up inside. I'm not leaving this beauty behind." Shoggath and you make quick work of it, lock the back of the box truck, and you drive it to Myrtle Street, south, to Ship Island Excursions, where you drive the truck over the guard booth and through the gate, and directly onto the ferry, smashing through layers of flimsy walls and lovely furniture. You get out of the truck, fumble with the ferry's controls, and start moving it out into the bay. In the dim morning light, you can see coast guard vessels nearby. They hail you, asking you to halt for questioning. You grab the radio. "Yall yall thissis capn John Joe, what can I do ya for, over." Inventory: vw van (and in the van, 9mm glock with 13 rounds, old surfboard, 12 pounds of weed, large tarp, 50 feet of rope, 4 road flares)
Zippy the Bummer fucked around with this message at 00:38 on May 8, 2021 |
|
#
?
May 8, 2021 00:34
|
|
|
Board them, pirate style
|
|
#
?
May 8, 2021 03:15
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
May 8, 2021 03:24
|
|
|
>Invite them over for an orgy on the SS Boipussy >Use your signature sex move "The Supple Fist of Stone" to seduce them into helping you >Hotbox the delivery van Pinche Rudo fucked around with this message at 06:17 on May 8, 2021 |
|
#
?
May 8, 2021 04:42
|
|
|
The radio crackles. "Unknown vessel, we have no record of a Captain John Joe. Your boat matches the description of one reported stolen. Halt immediately and prepare to be boarded." You turn to Shoggath. "Grab a few cakes of weed, put them on the back of the boat and light 'em. Make sure they burn nice and good." You gun the engines to full speed, passing the Coast Guard cutter with about one hundred yards between you. The cutter turns hard and comes up behind you, into an increasingly thick cloud of smoke. The radio crackles again. "This is the Coast Guard. Stop immediately or we will....uh...ummm...." You pick up the radio. "This is the SS Boipussy. I'll stop first if you pull alongside. I have so much contraband on this boat you wouldn't believe it. I need to be searched." "Haha whoa yeah dude." You can hear an accordion playing over the radio. You stop the engines and let the cutter pull alongside. You shout at the skunk ape. "Find some hooks or a crowbar or something and tie it to that rope in the van." As he does this you roll a quick joint and blaze, then head out to the deck. Shoggath brings the rope with come-alongs tied to both ends. One you affix to the railing, and the other you hurl at the railing of the other, much larger ship. You don a life vest and tuck the glock into the straps. Then the ape holds you with his feet as he climbs the rope across to the other vessel. The weed cloud has caught up now that both ships have stopped, and it is as though a fog bank has descended. The two of you lurch over the railing and drop to the deck. You hear loud laughter from what you suppose is the bridge, and head that way, stepping over lethargic, giggling sailors. After ascending a flight of stairs you find yourself in the bridge. A woman who seems to be the captain turns to you. "Whoa, you have a gun," she says, then starts laughing. "Where the gently caress are your pants?" The helmsman takes out his phone and starts snapping photos. "Dude, I'm totally putting these bigfoot pics on my instagram." "Skunk Ape, dipshit, not bigfoot," you say, "and he's Shoggath, not 'it'. You racist." You draw the pistol. "I'm takin' control of this ship. Any you officers wanna come over to Boipussy, you're welcome. I got plenty of the good stuff and we can get all kinds a weird. Ever heard of the Supple Fist of Stone? Yeah. I bet it has a full bar too...I ain't been captain very long." Naturally they accept. For two hours, a release of sexual energy that would make Bacchus weep occurs on board SS Boipussy, mainly in the truck and later at the half-smashed bar/lounge. After, with all in a haze of weed-soaked stupor, you offer them a proposition. Pledge loyalty to you, in exchange for all the weed they could want, as well as splitting the share of any contraband seized on the way to Florida, with a portion going to the enlisted guardsmen, of course (as Shoggath explains). Captain Frida readily agrees, although some of the guardsmen seem dubious. Cpt. Frida and her helmsman help you raise Betsy Ann, so you can finally contact Doc Snappers. You explain all that has happened over the last several hours. He tersely commands you to meet him near Bellefontaine Point, and hangs up. You and Shoggath transfer some supplies to the cutter, and arrange for the SS Boipussy to be towed behind, as the riverboat can't match the speed of the larger ship. Shoggath and a small complement of guardsmen remain on Boipussy, with you on the bridge of the cutter with Cpt. Frida and the rest of the crew. As noon approaches, a group of a dozen guardsmen rush into the bridge room with rifles and pistols drawn. "We're removing you from command, captain. We won't let this happen." Inventory: SS Boipussy and everything on it (vw van, box truck, 9mm glock with 13 rounds, old surfboard, 7 pounds of weed, large tarp, 50 feet of rope, 4 road flares, full bar), the Coast Guard Cutter USCGC Dauntless* *real ship you can look it up >_
|
|
#
?
May 9, 2021 01:21
|
|
|
>piss all over the floor >slip on the piss and jerk the boat wheel to throw everyone off balance >Use the supple fist of stone on the lead mutineer to win him over
|
|
#
?
May 10, 2021 00:13
|
|
|
The law of the sea makes it clear what must happen to mutineers.
|
|
#
?
May 10, 2021 00:30
|
|
|
William Henry Hairytaint posted:The law of the sea makes it clear what must happen to mutineers. Mutineers don't get any taco bell when we stop at the drive thru
|
|
#
?
May 10, 2021 00:34
|
|
|
DeadFatDuckFat posted:Ask him if he knows any hot turtle babes that you can hook up with Make sure you have consent before hooking up with those hot turtle babes.  Forgetting that consent can lead to trouble: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVLzlyGUCdU
|
|
#
?
May 10, 2021 02:15
|
|
|
Staring at the burly sailors, you shout. "Ensign Cogsworth! Bring me the book of the rules and poo poo." The flustered and stoned young man rifles through some drawers and produces a binder, which he places in your hand. You open it up to 10 U.S. Code § 894 - Art. 94. Mutiny or sedition. "Check this out fucker. According to this, a mutineer is anyone with 'intent to usurp or override lawful military authority, refuses, in concert with any other person, to obey orders or otherwise do his duty (you take a long drag on your doob here) or creates any violence or disturbance is guilty of mutiny'. Capn' Frida, does that apply to anyone here, as far as you know?" "Not to my knowledge, Commodore. Except for these men. In the eyes of the government I am still in command of this cutter." The lead mutineer, whose badge reads 'Brady', raises his rifle at Cpt. Frida. "You let this half-naked freak take over the ship after getting most of the crew high. Give us the room." "The incident with the marijuana was an unfortunate accident, it was ignited in the course of...acquiring contraband seized in 'Murican waters. Capn' here is still your superior officer. Oh, might I read this? 'A person who is found guilty of attempted mutiny, mutiny, sedition, or failure to suppress or report a mutiny or sedition shall be punished by death or such other punishment as a court-martial may direct.' Yeah bitch. You gonna report your capn for mutiny or sedition? Or maybe she should report all yall. Hold on one sec." You move to unzip your pants, but since you don't have any, you just piss where you are standing while finishing your blunt. As you do so, still urinating, you walk over to the helm and give it a whirl, throwing the ship into a sharp turn to port. Brady and his comrades slip and stumble all over the bridge. You grab Brady and deliver the Supple Fist of Stone to his rear end, with the help of Ensign Cogsworth. "Give up your attempted mutiny and betrayal of our country, and I'll get you Taco Bell when we reach Florida," you whisper to him. "If ya don't, you ain't never tasting loaded potatoes again." He nods with an expression of agony and ecstasy. The crew collects the weapons from the others. ------------------------------------------------------ Early in the afternoon, your party rounds Deer Island and moves toward the east. The bridge gets a radio call from SS Boipussy. Shoggath reports that a group of rickety boats led by a large speed-boat are approaching from the south Inventory: same as before >_
|
|
#
?
May 10, 2021 06:10
|
|
|
>smear your still poo poo covered hand onto a t shirt to make a smiley face and a pot leaf >raise your new flag to show them that you are are friendly
|
|
#
?
May 10, 2021 06:24
|
|
|
Oh yeah and one more thing >Have the coast guard crew radio in that everyone on the SS Boipussy drowned
|
|
#
?
May 10, 2021 15:38
|
|
|
>be inspired by the good doctor and snap off a dick or two
|
|
#
?
May 10, 2021 16:33
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 16, 2024 23:32 |
|
|
I forgot to include these images in the last post SS Boipussy  USCGC Dauntless  I'll be back later
|
|
#
?
May 10, 2021 19:35
|
|